cali damage

In the months following 9/11, approximately everybody in the USA said, “if you criticize the president, you’re a traitor!”  Like even if you said something pretty obvious like, “So if 17 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi Arabian, why are we attacking Afghanistan and Iraq?”  they’d say, “Shut up, Hippy McTaliban, why do you want our soldiers to die?” 

Since 9/11, Bush’s approval rating slipped from 90ish% to 33ish%.

So, I am no mathemetologist, but, it seems like the majority of Americans done changeded their minds about him. The same people who said any criticism is anti-american.  How did that happen?

I’m not asking WHY republicans are critical now, I’m asking HOW they justify changing their minds. 

Do they ever once think, to themselves, when no one is around, “Ok, i spent 6 years saying Clinton was a murderer and a liar and should be impeached. Then Bush got elected, and I said anyone criticizing the president for any reason was a big fat traitor.  And now I think bush sucks, and it is OK.   Damn, how did that happen?!!!  I’m so amazing!!!  Hey, football isn’t on for another 5 minutes, so let’s spend this commercial break to formulate a coherent explanation for why  nothing I say is every contradictory or even slightly wrong in retrospect.”

I’m talking about all these newly-enlightened Midwesterners who are just now like, “Duh? He done did something bad? What? Sorry, I was at Wal-mart searching for oversized sweatpants to fit my huge middle-american ass for the past 3 years. What’s all this about torture and domestic spying?”. . . .I know the practical thing is for the Left to unite with them and make political progress that way.  But shit; they called us america-haters for like 3 years, for merely saying the same shit that they are saying now, and we’re supposed to embrace them now?  FUCK IT - I  want payback.  I’m talking about: Tie up all the bush voters to a chair and interrogate them.  It would have to be a pretty big chair. I know. I have people working on this.  That is not the point.  The point is, have a huge bass-heavy loudspeaker to yell at them like they yelled at us:

“WHY DON’T YOU APPROVE  OF OUR WAR PRESIDENT? ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT DEMORALIZING OUR BRAVE TROOPS IN THE FIELD WITH YOUR ANTI-AMERICAN POLL ANSWERS?”

“But, he lied to us about the reasons for Iraq war.”

“SO WHAT?  THAT WAS PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE BEFORE THE WAR! AND YET YOU SPENT 3 YEARS CALLING ANYONE WHO SAID ‘HE LIED’ A TRAITOR. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?’

“Well, that’s different.  Back then,I thought we’d win.”

“ASSHOLE.  WHY ELSE DON’T YOU LIKE HIM ANYMORE? BESIDES YOUR TIES TO AL-QUEDA I MEAN?”

“Well, his FEMA response was not good. He should have admitted he made a mistake in the planning.”

WHAT? DEMANDING ACCOUNTABILITY FROM AN ELECTED OFFICIAL? DIDN’T YOU GET DRUNK AT A FAMILY REUNION IN 2004 AND CALL YOUR COUSIN AN AMERICA-HATER FOR SAYING THE SAME EXACT THING?”

“Well, he IS an america-hater. I’m not –I just don’t like the way the President is leading the country right now.”

“THAT IS WHAT YOUR COUSIN SAID, TOO, AND YOU JUST YELLED OVER HIM.  YOU HYPOCRITICAL SWINE.  SO YOU DON’T LIKE THE PRESIDENT? WELL, SADDAM HUSSEIN IS WORSE.  DO YOU WANT TO PUT SADDAM BACK IN POWER? HUH? HUH?!? YOU SADDAM-LOVING TERROR-HUGGER?”

“Plus, he’s helping illegal immigrants. They’re called illegal for a reason!”

“WHO CARES?  WHEN YOU CRITICIZE THE PRESIDENT IN TIME OF WAR, YOU GIVE AMMUNITION TO THE ENEMY. YOU SAID THAT YOURSELF, BACK IN JANUARY. YOU MADE ABSOLUTELY NO DISTINCTION BETWEEN CRITICIZING DOMESTIC AND FOREIGN POLICY; IT WAS ALL VERBOTEN.”

“that was different! That was about unimportant stuff like torture, not the sudden and drastic problem of Mexicans.

“WHY DO YOU REPUBLICANS ALWAYS BLAME AMERICA FIRST?  ‘OH HE TOOK THE WRONG POSITION, LET’S JUST BASH THE HEAD OF THE FREE WORLD! NEVER MIND WHAT OTHER COUNTRIES ARE DOING TO ENCOURAGE IMMIGRATION, LET’S STRAIGHTAWAY BASH THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT BECAUE WE HATE FREEDOM AND JESUS. PASS THE TOFU!’ CHRIST ALMIGHTY, YOU REPUBLI-HIPPIES MAKE ME SICK.”

*sobs uncontrollably*

“SO ONE LAST TIME I’M ASKING YOU, WHY IS IT OK TO TALK BAD ABOUT HIM ALL OF A SUDDEN? TO KICK THE PRESIDENT OF THE GOD DAMN UNITED STATES OF JESUS, WHEN HE IS DOWN, AND MAKE THE TERRORISTS LAUGH AND GIGGLE AND PLAY WITH YOYOS AND SPOON EACH OTHER? WHEN DID THAT BECOME OK?”

“well, because your mom, is why. Look, i want my side to win.  Logical consistency and principles are for losers and whiners. If he is doing something to piss off liberals, any criticism is unpatriotic. if he is doing something I don’t like, criticism is ok.  And if he has become a political liability to the republican agenda, that is a worse crime than legalizing torture, suspending due process, domestic spying, stealing an election, and raping the environment combined. We will turn on him like hyenas, with no thought to any of our previous ‘war-president-is-unassailable’ rhetoric. Frankly, we can’t believe you guys were so stupid as to be cowed by that.”

“THANKS FOR YOUR HONESTY.  YOU HOLE.  HERE IS A RED-WHITE-AND-BLUE BAG FULL OF JESUS PISS AND GOD SMEGMA. NEXT TIME YOU FEEL AN OPINION COMING ON, SUBMERGE YOUR HEAD IN IT COMPLETELY UNTIL THE FEELING GOES AWAY.”

Then, untie them from the chair and let them stagger out into the light of day.  Praise the lord, the end.

Straight women:  have you ever been walking down a sunny street, by yourself, having a good time, and suddenly you see this totally gorgeous guy, your potential soul-mate? And he is beaming his radiant kind smile at the total skank he is with?  As if she were not, in fact, a total skank?
Gay guys:  see (straight women)

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Lesbians:  have you ever been  swaggering down a sunny street, by yourself, sweat condensing on your tattooed biceps, and suddenly you see this amazingly beautiful woman, your potential future wife?  And she is beaming her blindingly white smile at some douchebag loser guy who is totally not you?  But she is with him anyway? Despite his being obviously not you?
Straight guys:  see (lesbians)

My point is, we all experience jealousy at some point . . . even those of us who are in a relationship which rules!  The question is, how to handle it?  Maybe some asshole psychologist jerkface who is a jerk would say “move on. Be mature and glad that they are happy.”  And maybe that is healthy. But chances are, if you managed to find this website, you are not exactly interested in  mental health, so we can pretty much discard that option.

Let’s face it – seeing someone you like, with another person, is not fun.  Those of you who have been reading this site for a while know that I am a sunny optimist and life-lover at heart, so when I see that kind of couple, I try to keep my spirits up by saying, “That’s ok, she has herpes anyway.  And he’s married to another woman.  Who will get the herpes and club him with a tire-iron, and then blame it on some Muggers Of Color when the cops come. Jesus, what a racist douchebag. No wonder he’s cheating on her.”   My other stay-positive, sunny-side-of-life, affirmation that I think is, “Enjoy it while it lasts, Jerkass.  This is pretty you’re your last time together where you will be truly happy, because tonight she’ll tell you she’s pregnant. And you’re going to have a huge fight over whether to keep the baby, and then you’ll have to drop out of school to get a job to feed it, crushing your dreams of being a lawyer.  Not realizing that it’s your older brother’s baby anyway.”   See, usually this cheers me up. 

But —as  cheerful and optimistic as I am – there are times when I realize that, odds are, they will be having total complete sex that night.  With boners and everything!  And one of them will probably even enjoy it!   Which – how do you even begin to solve a problem like that? 

At some point I hit on the solution. Everyone, point to that couple that is messing up your day, and say it with me one time:

IF YOU AND YOUR WACK LOVER INSIST ON WALKING IN PUBLIC, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO HAVE SEX RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK WHERE WE CAN ALL WATCH.

Stay with me here. This makes sense.  Compared to imagining them doing it, seeing them actually go at it is waay less irritating.  Because at least you get a real show.  At that point, it becomes porn, which is entertainment.  I have yet to get jealous of anyone in porn.  Instead of being like all feeling sorry for yourself, you can high-five the pedestrians standing next to you, and yell “Faster!”  Plus, if the douchebag boyfriend IS an, um, ‘astute fucker’, then you can realize that she is with him for a reason, which will make you less mad at God.  If the guy is terrible,  then you can be like, “Ha. Ha. Serves you right for dating him and not me!” if the LADY is terrible,  on the other hand, you STILL come out ahead:  “oh damn, I am not missing out on anything here.  Jealousy . . . fading. . . fading. .. . gonnnne.”   

BONUS OPPOSITE-GENDER-PRONOUN VERSION FOR THE LADIES:
if  Cute-Guy’s Skanky Girlfriend  IS a good lover, then you can realize that he is with her for a reason, which will make you less mad at God.  If the skank is terrible,  then you can be like, “Ha. Ha. Serves you right for dating her and not me!”  If Mr. Cute  is terrible, on the other hand,  you  STILL come out ahead: “oh damn, I am not missing out on anything.  Jealousy . . . fading. . . fading. .. . gonnnne.”   

Now, my question for CALI DAMAGE readers of all genders and orientations:
If you had a ray-gun that could make those couples just GBNAF (as Ice-T would say), would you use it?  or would that just make it worse?

“But Schultzzz,” you say, “as long as we are speaking hypothetically, why can’t we simply have a ray-gun that causes that person to fall in love with US?”    Because that would be unrealistic, is why, sissy.

I realized what Myspace is – high school yearbook signatures.  Terrabytes of them.  Used to be that you only had to endure that circle-jerk of shallowness once a year. (Dood, remember that party, ur so kewl have a wicked rad summer don’t ever change xoxo).  Now, thanks to myspace, we can do that all year round!  Holla!

See, this is what happens when you get people who are incapable of any kind of introspection and let them make a page detailing their innermost thoughts.   Plus most of the writing is the result of mtv-reality-shows, where a whole generation thinks if they ACT all famous and have ‘an attitude’ then they will become famous.  You could say I am over 20 so I am supposed to hate myspace. Hell no—it’s not like there is a rule that teenagers HAVE to act like illiterate narcissists.  The fact is, my position on youth culture has not changed with age at all.  I hated teenagers since I WAS one.  Now I think about it, I hate them way LESS than I did back then.  With one exception – nerds. Fuck nerds. Bunch of sell-outs.

Let me explain: 

The irony of  all this myspace-and-MSM-etc is,  that  it’s  the smartest 1% of the population – nerds – who are working like 60-hour weeks programming the most advanced experimental code, to enable the dumbest 50% to ‘holla’ at each other and ‘hit me back’ . . . exactly the same kind of people that would never even look at those nerds in real life.

That’s so funny I could LOL!
 
That’s fucking great, “Amazing Amber124”— some guy worked an 80 hour week coding, so that we could all know that  “I  *heart*U2!”  . . .AND backup copies of your  statements are in bomb-proof data centers in 4 states! Because that’s how much we *heart* keeping your wisdom for future generations!

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Hey K3LLY— don’t you feel important? Some dudes and ladies went to grad school for 5 years to learn PLSQL and PYTHON coding, just so you can let us know that   “MY LIL BRO IS THE SHIETttTTTTT”. 
.

Oh, plus  QTPRINCEzZ’s interests are :
movies. music, fashion, tennis, hot guys, life…anything…i love talkng to ppl..so much fun!!! eeek..hehe beach, snowboarding, shooting stars =), adventures, shopping, food, eating out, sports, friends, deep conversations, dressing up formally, hanging out, hanging out with the v-club!!! woop woop.  See, before the internet, I would have had to live without that information.  I would have been scratching my head, “What kind of guys does qtprincezz like?  Lame ones? Or hot?”  Or maybe losing sleep over the question, “Where can I find someone  else who likes both life AND food?  Am I the only one??”

Anyway, I know I can’t singlehandedly stop this whole ‘social network’ industry, I had to at least try to make it less dumb.  So here is a myspace page I made.   I encourage other people to make pages for stuff -  like the Battle of Hastings, and inanimate carbon rod,  coelacanth twins, or  a small flake of eczema.  Together they could make a more interesting network.

so, there is a story behind the banner image up there.

It was a slightly drunken evening in Tokyo, in December 2005.  Weaving home from the Izakaya on my bicycle, I realized I was hungry.  Now another person might have just stopped at the konbini (convinience store) and gotten some rice-balls, but I was feeling ambitious. I didn’t want a meal. I wanted an EXPERIMENT. I knew it could be dangerous, but with sake as my guide, I felt prepared to go where no (sober) man had gone before. 

This is one of those ideas that seem funny when you’re drunk, but in the cold sober light of day just seem fucking HILARIOUS.

step one:  cornflakes.

step two:  soy milk. 

(Yes, that is a Hello Kitty Decapitated Head Table)

Step three:  to increase the probability of an interesting chemical reaction, a catalyst is added.

The experimental batch turns brown! 

It’s almost sick enough for me to eat, but not quite.

I need something else. Something more wrong.  some seasoning, if you will.

 step four:

Q:mix the Jager, porn, soymilk, and cornflakes together and what happens?

A: SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, here I am, demonstrating the success of the experiment.

Didn’t finish the whole thing. Didn’t have to — I had enough data to work with.

My scientific conclusion, based on qualitative analysis of organic and inorganic compounds from all spectroscopic frequencies, is, it tasted bad.

See, any jerk can guess how bad it tastes, but only a serious Drunkentist like me or Issac Newton can actually KNOW it. 

What?? Newton was totally hammered.  Who else passes out under a tree and doesn’t wake up until an apple bonks ‘em on the head, innit?  He was like “cor blimey mate, i discovered Gravity!  I’m so pissed I can’t walk 3 steps without fallin’ down! Look, mate, I’m going to discover gravity again — woot” “Oi blimey, there it is again! and again!” “Cor, mate, now me VOMIT is going down, not up! That is what we call solid confirming evidence of me hypothesys, innit? BLEEEARGGH.”

See, this is why science is so fucking awesome.

My computer program is telling me that folks are linking to cali damage.  In a world where any semi-literate 14 year old with a myspace page can write “OMG KeWl HolLa ;0″ and get like 200 ‘friends,’ it’s nice to know that I can get 5 links.  Seriously, though, thanks to everyone who is linking! 

ok, so soon i will be moving this and all my other sites to a new server.   who cares?  well, you do.  because why?  i’ll tell you if you stop being so sarcastic.  you care because new server means new domain name.  as in, i have to pick one.  my high tech friends assure me that the Key to Cyber Fame lies in ‘branding yourself’, and so i should do  ’stevenschultz.com’ or ’schultz.net.’   while this might be practical, it is also lame.  as in, an every-dude-who-works-at-a-bistro-and-is-trying-to-turn-his-or-her-community-college-theater-class-experience-into-famous-hollywood-acting-career-does-that, degree of lameness.  (with the exception of the gorgeous and talented claybutler.com!)

Also, in my personal hell, vanity domain-name people are in a special circle, with people whose licence plates read ‘2KOOL4U’, people who wear sunglasses at night, guys who rap in order to sell sneakers, and guys who pose in their band photos with arms crossed, and one fist under the tattooed bicep, sneakily smooshing it from behind, to make themselves look more muscular.  They will be punished by having Girls gone Wild go WHOOOOOOOooo directly into their eardrum for eternity. Other eardrum: Sting. First eardrum:  whoooo.

Anyway.  I need a new domain name.  Fast.  I don’t want to do “calidamage.com” because that name will not make any sense once i go back to tokyo. I need a domain name that makes sense (or nonsense) with ALL my sites, because they all will be hosted on the new server.  and if you haven’t seen all of the sites, the links are on the right side there, up a bit.

I’ve already thought of, and been repulsed by,

shitopia.com

ineverheardthrillerevenasachild.org 

screwflanders.net

opethopethopeth.net

seriouslyopethisfuckingamazing.net

mywaste.com

mailorderhusband.co.jp

yetanother.com

eskimosdontdothis.org

nudeshavedteens.psyche

gotkickedoutofjapanandalligotwasthislousy.com

okigotnothing.poo

—

anyway, this is where YOU come in. and your friends.  please send in your suggestions!!!!!

 to view other folks’ suggestions, just click the comments button.  this is how stuff works nowadays.

and this time she is dating cannibal corpse??

. . . talk about your gluttons for punishment.

is cannibal corpse really in love? let’s find out!

(reading from left to right)

“cannibal corpse ringtones” NOT SURE

“stalking your every move?” MAYBE

“her crotch is bleeding?” YES!

I can’t even figure out what is the weirdest thing about this.

plus, how likely is someone who is listening to “fucked with a knife” going to be to donate to disaster relief charity?   I like to think 100%, but the actual figure could be as low as 90%.

and this is NOT EVEN THE WEIRDEST THING.

the weirdest thing is below:

Someone wrote a computer program, using the latest technology, which  automatically tells me Cannibal Corpse Lyrics  fans may be interested in Aqua.

Lynyrd Skynyrd?  Bush???????

 OK, that part is pretty obvious.

but Aqua?  are you, like me, imagining a Death Metal cover version of I’M A BARBIE GIRL???

“I’m a barbie girl / in a barbie world/ no escape from your fate / you can comb my hair / undress me everywhere/ my knife deep inside /  life is fantastic”

 So, CC fans like aqua but, according to that same site’s Aqua page, Aqua fans do NOT like Cannibal Corpse.  Don’t blame me, man, i am just the messenger. 

last weekend was the wonderfully-named APE convetion; the Alternative Press Expo.

I am always surprised when I go there because . ..  even though  it is a comic book thingy, I can’t see   Mr. shaved-on-sides-with-pony-tail-and-trench-coat-and-pants-bloused-into-unlaced-combat-boots and his friend Mr. Obese-with-giant-4-color-shirt-and-huge-floppy-shorts-and-goatee. Instead, everyone looks like they are in an Indie band,  the gender ratio is almost 50/50, and everyone is friendly!

Fashion-wise, most of the gothic people have stopped coming, and have been replaced by a a wave of wacky thrift-store girls with tight wool sweaters,  flood pants, and purple stockings.  I don’t understand why this is, but I stand behind it 100%, and if anyone knows who is responsible for this change, please ask them if they can package the phenomenon, perhaps in ray-gun form. 

Anyway, here is my favorite new comics. they are all available online for free, but if you like them, you should buy the print version: 

action philosophers! world’s greatest thinkers explained to the layman in superhero format.
crying macho man! - it has jokes!
matt howarth was not at APE but damn, he has a webpage. His M.O. is to have alien bounty hunters attack real rock stars like Residents or Hawkwind. 
carl is the awesome! I really can’t explain this.
Hellen Jo’s Page-  she does  . … perhaps I should just give up even trying to summarize these.
Jason Thompson’s page  - incredibly detailed, obsessive renditions of HP Lovecraft stories, plus romance.

Derek Kirk Kim! – this guy wins awards. Everything from misanthropic rants, to bittersweet romance, with pictures.

same hat!
translations of obscure Japanese gag and horror manga.

http://www.girlsandcorpses.com/ - I have been assured that this is not photoshop.  Still don’t understand how they keep the corpses from falling apart, though. Those girls are pretty vigorous.

Dirk’s Tokyo Comic> - this German Gentleman’s tokyo blog is in comic book form! Not only that, but if you have a stunt you want him to do, email him, and he’ll go out in public and do it, and then write a comic about it!

Permanent links to these comics are on the right side of the screen. 

Where do I even start with this?  OK, circumcision. 

 Fine.   That is a thing which exists.

But some really hard-core Jews turn it up a notch.  They’re like some Mosaic hipsters, all “Oh, circumcision was cool back in the 12th century, but now everyone is doing it, it’s too trendy.  But let’s see the gentiles try THIS!”  and then they bend over and METZITZAH B’PEH all over your baby.   Metzitzah b’peh is not some guy who hangs out with Cthlulhu, and it is not a death metal band. Yet. 

What it is, is a 5,000 year-old Hebrew word. METZITZAH means “circumcise” and B’PEH means, of course, “by the mouth”.  I am so totally not making a Jew joke.  This really happens. According to Jewish Week magazine, Rabbi David Zwiebel says that it happens 2,000 times a year in NYC alone.

NY DAILY NEWS , being a respectable newspaper, describes the proccess like this:

“The practice, known in Hebrew as metzitzah b’peh, involves a practitioner, or mohel, drawing blood from a child’s circumcision wound by mouth.”

This being a mere webpage,though , I think it is safe to call it “vampire pedophile blowjobs.”   Occam’s razor, motherfucker!

What is amazing is, think of all the bullshit that Jews get accused of  throughout history- running the banks, doing the trade center bombings, eating christian babies and putting the blood in the catholic wafers, making up totally fake holocausts at the drop of a hat –

. . . and the whole time racists were making up dumb rumors, some hard-core Jews were doing real shit that was like ten times worse. Just goes to show that racists do NOT HAVE IMAGINATION. 

So, vampire pedophile blowjob. And that is not even the punchline. 

the punchline is, what happens when you combine metzitzah b’peh with a herpes, aids, syph, ghonnorea- infested rabbi?

 Well, the baby gets the disease.  One child died last year, and 6 more cases of  herpes-babies were reported. all 7 were b’pehed by the same guy. 

This totally sounds like something you would read on www.nazimcbigotsfunpage.org or something.  But I am only quoting newspapers and Jewish magazines  here.  In fact, the herpes-killer rabbi himself has a page! That’s right, not only is he not in jail, he is still ordained as a rabbi.  and he is on the internets!  The webpage talks all about how awesome it is to have a covenant with god, but omits any discussion of a) herpes or b) sucking your infant’s peter.  Why, hide it, Rabbi? Why aren’t you proud of your Mosaic heritage????? God is crying!

Anyway, maybe I exaggerate. Maybe it’s ok to defend to the death your right to b’peh the night away because JEWISH PRIDE, BABY!, while  at the same time totally hiding b’peh from your Jewish clients.  After all, the parents can find out about that part later, when you suddenly start chugging away. 

The upshot is, he was told to stop sucking for a while while the other rabbis (not cops or health officials) investigate if he poses a hazard.  Because the hazard is not yet obvious, even to wise and learned men.  See, this is why rabbis are smarter than you or me.  To them, there are lots of ways that otherwise-unrelated children could get the same herpes.  From the mother, or one of those nurses that always make those awful videos, for instance. According to Jewish Week, STD-expert  and anti b’peh-er Dr. Zenilman said,

“It is also highly unlikely another nurse in the hospital or caregiver caused the infection,  as that would have required the nurse to spit on the baby’s penis or have direct mouth-to-genital contact that could have infected all three babies.”

Thanks, Zenilman, you anti-Semite. But you forget something -Those seven babies,  I’m not saying they were sluts,but well, they got around.  That maternity ward was like, the minute the nurse left, blaow.  Total orgy.  Probably some non-circumcised goyische baby got loose with the cooties and infected them.

According to Jewish Ledger.com, Rabbi Adler  suggests for families who consider fellatio-style circumcision an important tradition, but don’t want to ask the mohel if he has been tested for AIDS lately. . . .

“The father should consider performing the custom himself. Remember, the Torah commandment is for a father to circumcise his son. The mohel stands in for the father to do what the father cannot. If the father wants metzitza, the father can be shown how.”

See?  These guys didn’t spent 10 years at Torah School for nothing. Sharp as a tack.  But, what exactly did he mean “be shown how?”  is there a training video? an anatomically correct doll like they have at Catholic Priest trials? Does Dad practice on the Mohel himself?  Because that would be way more fun than a stupid doll.  “Yeah, that’s right, bitch. I’m fin to bust a nut here, Now remember, bitch, pretend it’s blood. OOOHHH SHHITTTT I’M SIGNING THE  COVENANTTTTTTT aww yeah.” On the downside, though, giving the Dad herpes too is kind of counterproductive.

Anyway, the NYC Mayor said he was not going to ban the practice. In fact, the NYC Department of Health stopped short of even requiring Mohels to TELL THE PARENTS THEY PLANNED TO SUCK IT.  Seriously. “informed consent” was dropped from the resolution.  Face it, if you don’t KNOW what “B’peh” means, you are a lousy Jew anyway, and you deserve to be surprised. “Hey check it out, Mom! Now comes the part where i do THIS!” All the board of health is doing is putting a warning on their web page, saying ‘maybe vampire pedophilia blowjobs are not a good idea from a health standpoint.’  They did not comment on the, um, aesthetics.

I, for one, agree with Bloomberg’s brave decision.  After all, if you get in people’s private lives and interfere with religion, next thing you know Mormons  won’t be able to have 15 wives, and next, Catholics won’t be able to  molest boys, and then Muslims can’t stone women to death for going to school, and then basically we would be living in some kind of communistical, Athiest police-state at that point, right? So we have to nip this big-government thing right in the bud. 

NY Daily News reports that NYC health commisoner Mr. Frieden said, “some rabbis use a glass tube, a sponge or sterile gauze pads to safely draw blood away from the wound.”   Glass tube?  basically he is saying it is OK to turn a Jewish baby into a human crack pipe.  I guess that would cut down on the number of children dying or getting STDs, but what if the rabbis start getting hooked on babies?  All running around with their glass pipe, looking for a hit.  Gives new meaning to that famous  “I’ll suck your dick, man!” scene in BOYS N THAT HOOD.

both sides, (the pro-herpes-herpes-sucky-sucky side (otherwise known as God’s Side) and the anti-herpes-herpes-sucky-sucky side (AKA commnist jew-haters)) have an unspoken agreement to only talk about the health aspect of the ritual.  From the same Jewish Ledger article:

Rabbi Moshe Tendler, a dean at Yeshiva University’s rabbinic school and a professor of biology there, as well as an expert in Jewish medical ethics with a doctorate in microbiology, opposes metzitzah b’peh as halachically unnecessary and medically dangerous.

On the other hand, Rabbi David Niederman said “There have been seven cases, allegedly over a span of 15 years,” he said. “you’re talking about 120,000 brises of metzitzah b’peh. You tell me, is it safer to give a flu shot or to do metzitzah b’peh?”  yeah, because  b’peh is just pedophile blowjobs.  But to get a flu shot nowadays, the doctors have to do anal double penetration on you. So that is a point.
Anyway, back to the Battle of the Rabbis, isn’t it convinient how they both happen to conclude (after rigorous study and prayer) that God wants EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED TO BEGIN WITH.  I mean, talk about lucky.  Plus,what’s the point of even HAVING a religion if 2 dudes can both study for 15 years of intense training and still come to total opposite conclusions about what God wants?  Frankly, me and my friend Moyce can study the torah for 4 minutes and be just as confused as these 2 Rabbis, but that leaves us an extra 14 years and 11 months to drink and have shennannegans. 

Oh, plus, it’s a DUDE SUCKING BLOOD OUT OF A BABY’S JHONSON.