cali damage

I’d like to start with some poetry today.

Lookin real fine standin 5′9
High heels on right on time
God Damn look at shawty she makin that ass jiggle
I like the way you wobbedy wobbedy when it wiggle

Now, let me ask you – is that something my ten year old cousin wrote in 30 seconds, or something written by a famous artist that sold over a million albums? *

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think about it –   We are now living in an age where it is HARD TO TELL if a lyric is written by a genius super-millionaire or a retarded 9-year-old.  that is fucking amazing. I mean, sure, rock and roll has ALWAYS had its share of nonsense lyrics, from ‘womp bomp a loo bomp a bomp bam boom’ to ’sha na na,’  but rockers did not consider themselves poets. they played instruments and put on a show, and the words were nonsense because they did not matter.  but rap isn’t anything BUT lyrics. 

When I think of rap in 2006, here is what I imagine:  some guy, sitting at a huge desk made from a single hunk of pure platinum, holding a ballpoint pen covered entirely in diamonds, flexing his face with the intense concentration of a lawyer taking the BAR examination.  Slowly and carefully he writes each letter, while subvocalizing: “she. . . making . . .that . . . ass. . .jiggle.”  (pause, look to the heavens for inspiration) (sweat beading on the fingers, dripping into the cracks between diamonds on the pen)  (the flash of sudden insight, followed by rapid scribbling, quickly, before the sweet voice of his muse fades into oblivion) “I like the way you wobbedy wabbedy when it wiggle.”   Then some white guy in a suit wipes the sweat off of his forehead with a towel made from a single giant emerald, and hands him a check for ten million dollars.  “jiggle rhymes with wiggle!  Genius!  Mwah! This is garunteed double-platinum!”
This is what rap has come to – it’s on some Picasso shit.  guys that CAN write real rhymes are deliberately doing some shit that an 8-year-old could.  Do  .  and making Picasso money at it!

Don’t misunderstand my position on asses.  Asses are awesome.  Next to Brazil, America has the biggest asses ever and, like the Emancipaton Proclimation or the simpsons, this is  part of our cultural heritage that we can be proud of.  But, why is it that 5 guys get to rap about asses and make a million bucks, and then a million broke guys rap about the same asses and get no money at all??   

 Certainly, “looking real fine/ standing five foot nine”  is genius poetry, but is it really ONE MILLION TIMES more genius than MC NoRecordDeal’s rap where he goes, “shake that ass, bitch/ work it work it, bitch”?  I sort of imagine Mr. NoRecordDeal  hearing the Ying Yang Twins on the radio and smacking himself on the head, going, “Dang it!! If only I had written something more commercial like, shake that ass, WIGGLE/ work it work it  JIGGLE.  Guess that is why I am not a star.”

And what is up with rap consumers?  Ass-related music used to be like once-a-year summer-booty-anthem like ‘ride my pony’ or ‘whoomp it is over there.’  But now, when every single rap song on the radio is about asses, why are people still buying/downloading the songs a million a day??  Do they feel, like, not sufficiently informed about asses?  Are they, like, “OK,   I got a mp3 of MC Strip-club-going-a-lot, 2 albums by Sir Cheeks-a-Bouncin, and an ipod full of  Rumpy McWobble and the Tuchus Clique S.H.A.K.A.Z. , but I still don’t get it.  Asses are apparently important for some reason, but why?  WHYYYY???? If  only it wasn’t so complicated!  I need to buy  that new song by Professor BigGiantHumongousHippo’sBehindThatSmells, because maybe he will clear it up.  OK, I bought it.  but,   what if. . . what if, all these guys turn out to be wrong about asses?  I have to get another rapper’s opinion, lest I look foolish. I don’t want to commit without hearing all sides of the issue.” 

In conclusion,  I am not a total hater. I have great respect for guys and ladies that can freestyle.  Because that shit is really difficult.  But, if you are doing some shit anyone could do, you should get paid fry-cook wages to do it.  I mean, why don’t the record companies get ACTUAL 8-year-olds to do the raps, and then just pay them with a copy of Hustler and a Whopper, and then pocket ALL the profit?? 
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*Actually it’s by the Ying Yang twins.  they have sold over 2,000,000 albums.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 3rd, 2006 at 9:39 pm and is filed under Uncategorized, i hate it so much. . .!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

I’d like to start with some poetry today.

Lookin real fine standin 5′9
High heels on right on time
God Damn look at shawty she makin that ass jiggle
I like the way you wobbedy wobbedy when it wiggle

Now, let me ask you – is that something my ten year old cousin wrote in 30 seconds, or something written by a famous artist that sold over a million albums? *

.

.

.

think about it –   We are now living in an age where it is HARD TO TELL if a lyric is written by a genius super-millionaire or a retarded 9-year-old.  that is fucking amazing. I mean, sure, rock and roll has ALWAYS had its share of nonsense lyrics, from ‘womp bomp a loo bomp a bomp bam boom’ to ’sha na na,’  but rockers did not consider themselves poets. they played instruments and put on a show, and the words were nonsense because they did not matter.  but rap isn’t anything BUT lyrics. 

When I think of rap in 2006, here is what I imagine:  some guy, sitting at a huge desk made from a single hunk of pure platinum, holding a ballpoint pen covered entirely in diamonds, flexing his face with the intense concentration of a lawyer taking the BAR examination.  Slowly and carefully he writes each letter, while subvocalizing: “she. . . making . . .that . . . ass. . .jiggle.”  (pause, look to the heavens for inspiration) (sweat beading on the fingers, dripping into the cracks between diamonds on the pen)  (the flash of sudden insight, followed by rapid scribbling, quickly, before the sweet voice of his muse fades into oblivion) “I like the way you wobbedy wabbedy when it wiggle.”   Then some white guy in a suit wipes the sweat off of his forehead with a towel made from a single giant emerald, and hands him a check for ten million dollars.  “jiggle rhymes with wiggle!  Genius!  Mwah! This is garunteed double-platinum!”
This is what rap has come to – it’s on some Picasso shit.  guys that CAN write real rhymes are deliberately doing some shit that an 8-year-old could.  Do  .  and making Picasso money at it!

Don’t misunderstand my position on asses.  Asses are awesome.  Next to Brazil, America has the biggest asses ever and, like the Emancipaton Proclimation or the simpsons, this is  part of our cultural heritage that we can be proud of.  But, why is it that 5 guys get to rap about asses and make a million bucks, and then a million broke guys rap about the same asses and get no money at all??   

 Certainly, “looking real fine/ standing five foot nine”  is genius poetry, but is it really ONE MILLION TIMES more genius than MC NoRecordDeal’s rap where he goes, “shake that ass, bitch/ work it work it, bitch”?  I sort of imagine Mr. NoRecordDeal  hearing the Ying Yang Twins on the radio and smacking himself on the head, going, “Dang it!! If only I had written something more commercial like, shake that ass, WIGGLE/ work it work it  JIGGLE.  Guess that is why I am not a star.”

And what is up with rap consumers?  Ass-related music used to be like once-a-year summer-booty-anthem like ‘ride my pony’ or ‘whoomp it is over there.’  But now, when every single rap song on the radio is about asses, why are people still buying/downloading the songs a million a day??  Do they feel, like, not sufficiently informed about asses?  Are they, like, “OK,   I got a mp3 of MC Strip-club-going-a-lot, 2 albums by Sir Cheeks-a-Bouncin, and an ipod full of  Rumpy McWobble and the Tuchus Clique S.H.A.K.A.Z. , but I still don’t get it.  Asses are apparently important for some reason, but why?  WHYYYY???? If  only it wasn’t so complicated!  I need to buy  that new song by Professor BigGiantHumongousHippo’sBehindThatSmells, because maybe he will clear it up.  OK, I bought it.  but,   what if. . . what if, all these guys turn out to be wrong about asses?  I have to get another rapper’s opinion, lest I look foolish. I don’t want to commit without hearing all sides of the issue.” 

In conclusion,  I am not a total hater. I have great respect for guys and ladies that can freestyle.  Because that shit is really difficult.  But, if you are doing some shit anyone could do, you should get paid fry-cook wages to do it.  I mean, why don’t the record companies get ACTUAL 8-year-olds to do the raps, and then just pay them with a copy of Hustler and a Whopper, and then pocket ALL the profit?? 
.

.

.

*Actually it’s by the Ying Yang twins.  they have sold over 2,000,000 albums.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 3rd, 2006 at 9:39 pm and is filed under Uncategorized, i hate it so much. . .!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.