cali damage

i’m moving.  no posts for a while.  go here instead.

what if people’s vanity licence plates told the truth?

5OLAMME
N0FRNDZ
AFRRA1D
RLYS0RY
MYFAULT
WACKEMC
ALLR0NG
UGLY5AD
NOH0PER
GAVEUPP
5MALPN5
KANTSPL
STLVRGN
SMELFAT
TTLPOSR
W8N4DTH
UNLOVED
OHGODNO
PROBLEM
PITYMEE
PLZHELP
WYMOMWY
HELAHIV
BATHOS
WOE15ME
BADLIFE
BOTTOM
NOMAMA
BADL1FE
CRASHME
RICKETS
SPRCHNG
DYSFNCN
NORSPCT
GODH8ME
WIPEYOU
ORPHAN
PNKBTCH
WLTSMRZ
DADSLUT
BRN2MOR
TRKKKIE 

adam “i have no talent or brains and yet everywhere i go people throw huge giant sacks of million-dollar bills at me” sandler has a new movie out.  adam “i have made one movie, which even beavis and butthead find childish, 17 times over in a row, and yet, no one tires of it and i swim in a heated jacuzzi full of models made entirely of platinum” sandler’s new movie has a tagline. the tagline is, “What if you had a universal remote controller which actually controlled your universe?”
  
Naturally,  my first thought was, “wait — doesn’t adam sandler ALREADY have that remote controller?”  I mean, it would explain a lot.

also, speaking of adam “my shit-eating smirk will be remembered long after the people who work at AIDS hospices tending to the terminally ill  have been forgotten” sandler, and Puerto Rican rap star Daddy Yankee, am I REALLY the first person to notice THIS?!??

yeah, especially when there are so many single guys around that area.  They obviously work out a lot and dress well. . .You’d think they’d of found a nice lady already.

It’s weird.  Since the 60’s, recording studios have made HUGE  advances.  You used to have a giant mixer that cost as much as a house and weighed twice as much. Now you can make a professional-quality album with a laptop and a microphone. Plus all the ‘digital hard-disk recorders,’ ‘keyboard workstations,’ and software that allows you to edit out mistakes, correct vocal pitches, and sample any instrument.  And yet, the actual RECORDINGS sound JUST AS CRAPPY as they did in the ’60s. I’m not even talking about crap songs. I’m talking about “Hey, it sounds like the drums are basically nothing but a hi-hat, which must be 18 feet wide, because it is louder than the guitars, which were I guess using walkman headphones as speakers in lieu of an amp.” I’m talking about, “Hey, the bass was apparently recorded through a cement wall, or perhaps several buildings away.”  I’m talking about, “I surmise that the vocalist is inside the kickdrum, and they are both 3 inches away from the microphone, while the rest of the band (including the other drums somehow) is 40 feet away inside a shoebox.” 

Why is this? Why have huge advances in recording technology not resulted in huge advances in recording quality? Because, in recording technology, like in every other field (medicine, computers, porn)– when someone makes an advance , the new tech becomes industry standard: EVERYONE ELSE COPIES IT. It’s ONLY dumb musicians who try to re-invent the wheel every fucking time despite a success rate of less than 10%.  I’m talking about setting up, micing, and tuning the equipment. The fact is, making guitars distorted but you-can-still-hear-what-notes-they’re-playing is DIFFICULT. and making drums sound like what they sound like (as opposed to bubble-wrap-popping kickdrums and tupperware-sounding snares) is hard as hell, PLUS you have to actually make it so that no one drum dominates over the others. This happens very rarely, even with professional engineers. And yet, when they finally get it right, they tear it down and the next band comes in and sets up THEIR equipment and try to start from scratch.

 
I SAY FUCK THAT!!! When I’m president, anyone that gets lucky enough to record a good guitar tone or drums-that-sound-like-drums, they will have to put HUGE LOCKS on all the microphones, and weld covers over the amps and guitars, so that no one can mess with any of the knobs.  Anyone lucky enough to stumble on a drum submix that you can actually hear everything, should call the cops who will come and put barbed-wire fences around the mixing board so no one is tempted to fuck with it.  Bands who want their equipment back will be given drugs until they shut up. It belongs to history now. 

Bands can moan about, oh man, what about our creativity? what about our unique style? shut up. If you try to use your own equipment and own tones,  90% garunteed no one will even be able to HEAR your unique style.  Because your guitar will sound like it was recorded inside a Jacuzzi, and the kickdrum will be louder than the vocals.    Besides, your ‘unique style’ is a rip-off of your favorite band’s sound. And guess what? your favorite band HATES the way they sound!  They are like, “Fuck! That album sounded terrible.  We were too broke and inexperienced to make it sound good.”  Look, dude, I know you want to rock, but you have neither the time or the money to make a good sound from scratch. Plus your equipment is crap and you are stoned.  Just concentrate on making good songs, and use the studio equipment.  I mean, do you insist on bringing your own digital recording hardware, made of twigs and berries and duct tape, to the studio? “Dude, we won’t use your big old mixer made by The Man.  We have creativity and integrity!  Use this Fisher-Price tape recorder we tricked out with pot leaf decals!”  NO, no one does that. So why not think of the equipment the same way? . End of fatwa.
 

 honestly, it’s a hopeless liquid.  you can’t taste it, and you can’t see it.  Seems like everything in life which is the least bit fun — salty food, alcohol, hot baths, coffee — dehydrates me. Spending like half the day just drinking water to get back to normal.  So, you’d figure, hey! What a great diet–! Anybody who drinks that much water must lose a pound a week! But in fact, no matter how much I drink, I’m still hungry!  Totally useless, I’m telling you. Fuck 93% of my body.

guys who hit on women.  You know, pigs.  If someone mentions ‘guys who hit on women’ you immediately think of someone from the ’70s with the open-collared shirt with chest hair and a medallion and a greasy smile asking an appalled girl what her sign is.  And often that IS the case.
But consider this: for every guy who is at a club, breathing alcohol fumes into some blonde’s face, there is a woman who is staying at home, watching sex in the city with her terriers, who has given up on ever being touched. So who is the bigger loser?

 
How do I know that these women exist? 

 
I don’t, but I can easily INFER their existence using the same foolproof (or in my case, misanthropic-drunkard-proof) methodology as Nobel Prize-winning Scientists who are studying dark matter.  For years, cosmologists and astrophysicists were puzzled by the erratic behavior of galaxies and the expansion rate of the universe.  It would take X megatons of matter to make the galaxies move in the way they were moving,  and Y megatons of matter to make the universe expand at its current rate. .. and yet they could only find 10% of X!   They decided that the extra 90% of X was invisible, unmeasurable  particles called Dark Matter. How much is out there? We don’t know. What the hell does it want? No clue.  Because, like dwarf stars,  this Dark Matter can only be ‘seen’ by its effect on the stars around it: making them wobble erratically. 

 
It does not take a genius to see the analogy to human relationships here. 

These women, I will call the Give-Up Girls.  I’m not talking about super-hardcore Cat Lady here. I’m talking about your co-worker or boss; your neighbor; the cashier at the supermarket.  Normal women that for whatever reason just said, fuck it. Or, don’t fuck it.  Whichever.  That’s the scary part:  they are everywhere but invisible!  Who knows how many of them there are?  Like Dark Matter, their existence can only be measured by the amount of  erratically wobbling men.

But here’s the thing:  everybody from professional comedians and sitcom writers to your ‘funny friend’ always makes fun of guys trying to pick women up:  “dood check it  out, he’s all ‘hey baby’ what a retard!” is basically guaranteed to get you a laugh even if you lost a ‘your-momma’ contest to Al Gore.
 

Which is fine, I guess.  I don’t like those guys.  But what I hate even worse is fucking double standards: The Give-Up Girls don’t get made fun of at all.  Even though they are worse than the guys! 
Why worse? Think about it – if  a guy comes up with a cheesy line that appalls a lady, there’s a GUY who is not getting laid.  But if a girl gives up on sex altogether, that is a GUY AND ALSO A GIRL who is not getting laid.  Therefore, worse.

Sleazy guys:  at least they are TRYING. Despite a 90% chance of humiliation.
Give-up girls:  take the easy way out, even if it hurts themselves.
Therefore, worse.

OK, now here’s the thing: From  the overuse of the pronoun ‘he’, to the lack of ‘women’s voices’ in discussions of WWII, ‘female invisibility’ is a rallying cry of feminists. So, feminists have a  DUTY to oppose female invisibility in the dating scene.  By exposing Give-Up Girls, and making fun of them just as much as sleazy guys get made fun of.  Equal rights!  

These women are fueled by a perverse combination of patriarchy and feminism:  Both ideologies give women an excuse to give up.
Feminism says:  ‘you don’t need a man.’
Patriarchy says:  ‘good girls are pure and innocent and never get horny.’
As far as I can tell, the feminist slogan is just putting a girl-power spin on a very traditional and hurtful stereotype!  It is pernicious!  Both ideologies are teaming up to screw both genders.  Why is this not a thing??!??

There is a second perverted mixture at work  here.
I’m talking about the weird, eerie mixture of egotism and crappy self-esteem.
You can tell yourself, “No, I have GOOD self-respect.  Because I don’t go out with jerks. Or anyone.”  Uh-huh?  In other words, you are telling your body, “Shut up, vagina. Sex is NOT important.  There are absolutely no good guys left ever so stop complaining, you little meat wall.”  When I put it like that, it sounds a little self-hatey doesn’t it? Combine that with egotism: ‘I deserve prince charming, and I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather die an old cat lady than surrender my precious booty to a regular guy.’    How give-up girl can juggle both ideas at the same time is beyond me.

Disclaimer 1: I’m talking about women in their late 20’s and older here. Naturally if you are in your teens and early 20s, maybe you honestly haven’t met the right guy or girl for you.  Because you are young! So it’s not clear if you are a give-up girl yet.
 

Disclaimer 2:  I’m not saying women’s purpose on earth is to have sex with dudes: I’m against Give-up Lesbians too.  Change whatever pronouns you want, and my rant still works, because I am saying that  women are  equal to men: we’re all allowed to eat and fart and hump. 

Anyway, does anyone know a Give-Up Girl? 
What does she do instead of relationships?  
Is she kind of like, ‘fuck it. They’re all assholes.’ ?
Or  totally put all her sex-drive into some hobby? Such as?
Or is she totally devoid of horniness?

ok!  i fixed the main page’s link to warusaru records.

and i fixed the corrupted movie file — you can now watch the complete LEGACY OF CUTEALITY video.

thanks to everyone who helped point out broken links!

 if there’s one thing i hate more than ‘finals are hard plus i was late to work because my cat got sick,omg my crazy life!’  blogs, it’s deep and philosophical blogs like this one:

 i definitely know the feeling of… the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment.but that’s life for you and everything happens for a reason.  and of course initial reactions may include frustration, bitterness, sadness, confusion, and disbelief– all of which are indications for you to put forth your time and energy into something that will directly reflect the effort. life is just not fair.  thats why you may cry yourself a river, build a bridge, then get over it or simply just continue to let the world go ’round.  things ideally works itself out.  and if not, you’re way better than the situation at hand so move on, move up, move ahead.
ok.   I’m not exerpting this from a larger story. That is the entire entry,  apropos of nothing. What strikes me the most is, despite being sincere and autobiographical, it manages to be more impersonal than an IRS brochure.What did this person even SAY?  It’s like, “Hey, great!  you totally used words!  That’s excellent how you put, like, adjectives and nouns together to form a sentance there!  Good job!”  Moreover, this is a UC BERKELEY student writing this, apparently.  As in, someone who must have gotten 1400 on their SAT tests.  So why would they write something so impersonal?

This is a classic problem:  people want to have their name and their picture all over their blogs. because then they can be, HEY LOOK AT ME!  I AM ON THE INTERNET WITH MY PEEPZ HOLLA WOO.  But the flip side to putting your big ego out there is, you can’t say anything bad about your family, because they might read it. ditto for your boyfriend or your boss.  So basically you can’t write anything interesting at all, and you wind up typing 1400-SAT score things like ‘life is just not fair.’  What happened to this person to make her sad?  It might be a very interesting story.  Maybe she got kidnapped by pirates.  Or got in a knife fight with Bo Diddley.  Or lost an air-guitar contest to a legless Eskimo playing air-ukelele.  But because she has her dumb pictures all over her page, she can’t afford to actually, like, tell a story, and instead all we get to read is that “Things ideally works itself out.” (sic) (take that, SATs!).

If it was just one sorority girl being dumb, that would not be cause for alarm or even surprise.  but there are like 4 trillion blogs with this problem, so I have to step in and solve it. 

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DO A BLOG, DON’T PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.  DON’T PUT YOUR DUMB SMILEY PICTURE EVEN IF IT’S ‘SUPER HOT SEXXXY WHOO!’ BE MYSTERIOUS.  USE ACTUAL IDEAS TO GET YOURSELF NOTICED.  if you keep your identity a secret, you can write some truly exciting and real stuff, like a spy behind enemy lines.  You can expose your boss, the dirty secrets of your workplace,  the embarassing shortcomings of your ethnic group, the hidden initiations of your fraternity, all your family’s dirty laundry, your lover’s treacherous ways! In other words, you can actually write stuff worth reading about. Yes, you’ll have to change names of real people/companies, and maybe details about them.  Yes, you’ll have to make up an imaginary city for all this to take place in.  That’s all part of the fun.

You might think this is negative.  And it is. But for a reason:  If I want to find out why Phi Delta Gamma IS FREAKIN’ AWESOME of a fraternity, i can find that information on their official site. if I want to see wny Dow Chemical is TOTALLY FREAKIN’ AWESOME and loves the environment, that info is also readily available.  But if i want to read the  DIRTY LAUNDRY(both personal and institutional) I can’t find it anywhere, even though it is 1000 times as fun AND real!  According to some douchebag at Wired magazine, Blogs are supposed to enable us to, through the Miracle Of Technology, expand our horizons and learn about new cultures or points of view.  And yet here is what we end up with:  “life is hard.”  “LuV MaH PeEpZ whaZZUPP~!”  Thanks a lot, you douche.  Have fun at burning man.  To the lame bloggers: having your friends’ pictures all over your blog is a sure-fire way to get compliments even if you suck, But it is only the whistle-blowers and shit-disturbers that can deliver the promise of blogs, and  let us know what REALLY goes on in other walks of life!

Now, what I am suggesting goes against human vanity so it’ll probably neverh appen. But just in case, though, let me say what i want to read when i read your blog:

1) stuff other people think is super-important but you think is bullshit, and vice-versa

2) things you feel ashamed of / times when you knowingly did something phoney / times when you feel like a total fraud
3) lies you told
4) revenge you got or want to get
5) actual experiences, not pithy sayings
6) people you feel jealous of and why
7) secret stuff that people who are not in your race/social class/sex/job would not ordinairly know about.
8) weird stories about that crazy uncle/ ex-roommate / cat lady next door
9) pet peeves, the randomer the better
10)  weird notions that your parents put in your head, that maybe you don’t agree with them but you catch yourself doing it anyway.
11) social rules you think are bullshit.
12) embarassing habits/obsessions. things you do excessively when you are sad.
13) critiques of the media/your school/social group, based not on what they portray but based on WHAT THEY LEAVE OUT (i.e. what is NOT DISCUSSED that should be).

14) get all anthropological on your mileu (i.e.  list the unwritten rules of your clique/religion/workplace, and the social pecking order) 

Whether you are a scientist working on quarks, or a Klansman with a fetish for teddy ruxpin, or a college girl who is wrestling with self-determination-vs.-sluttiness issues. . . this 14-point secret-spy-style blog program is garunteed to produce a fun/sad/real blog. If you know any blogs like this, leave a comment and let me know!  If you know anyone with a crap blog, email THEM a link to this, so that they can get pissed off and write me hate mail.

p.s.in case you’re curious, here are two blogs that actually do this.  STEREOLABRAT and BIGDEADPLACE.