cali damage

adam “i have no talent or brains and yet everywhere i go people throw huge giant sacks of million-dollar bills at me” sandler has a new movie out.  adam “i have made one movie, which even beavis and butthead find childish, 17 times over in a row, and yet, no one tires of it and i swim in a heated jacuzzi full of models made entirely of platinum” sandler’s new movie has a tagline. the tagline is, “What if you had a universal remote controller which actually controlled your universe?”
  
Naturally,  my first thought was, “wait — doesn’t adam sandler ALREADY have that remote controller?”  I mean, it would explain a lot.

also, speaking of adam “my shit-eating smirk will be remembered long after the people who work at AIDS hospices tending to the terminally ill  have been forgotten” sandler, and Puerto Rican rap star Daddy Yankee, am I REALLY the first person to notice THIS?!??

guys who hit on women.  You know, pigs.  If someone mentions ‘guys who hit on women’ you immediately think of someone from the ’70s with the open-collared shirt with chest hair and a medallion and a greasy smile asking an appalled girl what her sign is.  And often that IS the case.
But consider this: for every guy who is at a club, breathing alcohol fumes into some blonde’s face, there is a woman who is staying at home, watching sex in the city with her terriers, who has given up on ever being touched. So who is the bigger loser?

 
How do I know that these women exist? 

 
I don’t, but I can easily INFER their existence using the same foolproof (or in my case, misanthropic-drunkard-proof) methodology as Nobel Prize-winning Scientists who are studying dark matter.  For years, cosmologists and astrophysicists were puzzled by the erratic behavior of galaxies and the expansion rate of the universe.  It would take X megatons of matter to make the galaxies move in the way they were moving,  and Y megatons of matter to make the universe expand at its current rate. .. and yet they could only find 10% of X!   They decided that the extra 90% of X was invisible, unmeasurable  particles called Dark Matter. How much is out there? We don’t know. What the hell does it want? No clue.  Because, like dwarf stars,  this Dark Matter can only be ‘seen’ by its effect on the stars around it: making them wobble erratically. 

 
It does not take a genius to see the analogy to human relationships here. 

These women, I will call the Give-Up Girls.  I’m not talking about super-hardcore Cat Lady here. I’m talking about your co-worker or boss; your neighbor; the cashier at the supermarket.  Normal women that for whatever reason just said, fuck it. Or, don’t fuck it.  Whichever.  That’s the scary part:  they are everywhere but invisible!  Who knows how many of them there are?  Like Dark Matter, their existence can only be measured by the amount of  erratically wobbling men.

But here’s the thing:  everybody from professional comedians and sitcom writers to your ‘funny friend’ always makes fun of guys trying to pick women up:  “dood check it  out, he’s all ‘hey baby’ what a retard!” is basically guaranteed to get you a laugh even if you lost a ‘your-momma’ contest to Al Gore.
 

Which is fine, I guess.  I don’t like those guys.  But what I hate even worse is fucking double standards: The Give-Up Girls don’t get made fun of at all.  Even though they are worse than the guys! 
Why worse? Think about it – if  a guy comes up with a cheesy line that appalls a lady, there’s a GUY who is not getting laid.  But if a girl gives up on sex altogether, that is a GUY AND ALSO A GIRL who is not getting laid.  Therefore, worse.

Sleazy guys:  at least they are TRYING. Despite a 90% chance of humiliation.
Give-up girls:  take the easy way out, even if it hurts themselves.
Therefore, worse.

OK, now here’s the thing: From  the overuse of the pronoun ‘he’, to the lack of ‘women’s voices’ in discussions of WWII, ‘female invisibility’ is a rallying cry of feminists. So, feminists have a  DUTY to oppose female invisibility in the dating scene.  By exposing Give-Up Girls, and making fun of them just as much as sleazy guys get made fun of.  Equal rights!  

These women are fueled by a perverse combination of patriarchy and feminism:  Both ideologies give women an excuse to give up.
Feminism says:  ‘you don’t need a man.’
Patriarchy says:  ‘good girls are pure and innocent and never get horny.’
As far as I can tell, the feminist slogan is just putting a girl-power spin on a very traditional and hurtful stereotype!  It is pernicious!  Both ideologies are teaming up to screw both genders.  Why is this not a thing??!??

There is a second perverted mixture at work  here.
I’m talking about the weird, eerie mixture of egotism and crappy self-esteem.
You can tell yourself, “No, I have GOOD self-respect.  Because I don’t go out with jerks. Or anyone.”  Uh-huh?  In other words, you are telling your body, “Shut up, vagina. Sex is NOT important.  There are absolutely no good guys left ever so stop complaining, you little meat wall.”  When I put it like that, it sounds a little self-hatey doesn’t it? Combine that with egotism: ‘I deserve prince charming, and I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather die an old cat lady than surrender my precious booty to a regular guy.’    How give-up girl can juggle both ideas at the same time is beyond me.

Disclaimer 1: I’m talking about women in their late 20’s and older here. Naturally if you are in your teens and early 20s, maybe you honestly haven’t met the right guy or girl for you.  Because you are young! So it’s not clear if you are a give-up girl yet.
 

Disclaimer 2:  I’m not saying women’s purpose on earth is to have sex with dudes: I’m against Give-up Lesbians too.  Change whatever pronouns you want, and my rant still works, because I am saying that  women are  equal to men: we’re all allowed to eat and fart and hump. 

Anyway, does anyone know a Give-Up Girl? 
What does she do instead of relationships?  
Is she kind of like, ‘fuck it. They’re all assholes.’ ?
Or  totally put all her sex-drive into some hobby? Such as?
Or is she totally devoid of horniness?

 if there’s one thing i hate more than ‘finals are hard plus i was late to work because my cat got sick,omg my crazy life!’  blogs, it’s deep and philosophical blogs like this one:

 i definitely know the feeling of… the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment.but that’s life for you and everything happens for a reason.  and of course initial reactions may include frustration, bitterness, sadness, confusion, and disbelief– all of which are indications for you to put forth your time and energy into something that will directly reflect the effort. life is just not fair.  thats why you may cry yourself a river, build a bridge, then get over it or simply just continue to let the world go ’round.  things ideally works itself out.  and if not, you’re way better than the situation at hand so move on, move up, move ahead.
ok.   I’m not exerpting this from a larger story. That is the entire entry,  apropos of nothing. What strikes me the most is, despite being sincere and autobiographical, it manages to be more impersonal than an IRS brochure.What did this person even SAY?  It’s like, “Hey, great!  you totally used words!  That’s excellent how you put, like, adjectives and nouns together to form a sentance there!  Good job!”  Moreover, this is a UC BERKELEY student writing this, apparently.  As in, someone who must have gotten 1400 on their SAT tests.  So why would they write something so impersonal?

This is a classic problem:  people want to have their name and their picture all over their blogs. because then they can be, HEY LOOK AT ME!  I AM ON THE INTERNET WITH MY PEEPZ HOLLA WOO.  But the flip side to putting your big ego out there is, you can’t say anything bad about your family, because they might read it. ditto for your boyfriend or your boss.  So basically you can’t write anything interesting at all, and you wind up typing 1400-SAT score things like ‘life is just not fair.’  What happened to this person to make her sad?  It might be a very interesting story.  Maybe she got kidnapped by pirates.  Or got in a knife fight with Bo Diddley.  Or lost an air-guitar contest to a legless Eskimo playing air-ukelele.  But because she has her dumb pictures all over her page, she can’t afford to actually, like, tell a story, and instead all we get to read is that “Things ideally works itself out.” (sic) (take that, SATs!).

If it was just one sorority girl being dumb, that would not be cause for alarm or even surprise.  but there are like 4 trillion blogs with this problem, so I have to step in and solve it. 

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DO A BLOG, DON’T PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.  DON’T PUT YOUR DUMB SMILEY PICTURE EVEN IF IT’S ‘SUPER HOT SEXXXY WHOO!’ BE MYSTERIOUS.  USE ACTUAL IDEAS TO GET YOURSELF NOTICED.  if you keep your identity a secret, you can write some truly exciting and real stuff, like a spy behind enemy lines.  You can expose your boss, the dirty secrets of your workplace,  the embarassing shortcomings of your ethnic group, the hidden initiations of your fraternity, all your family’s dirty laundry, your lover’s treacherous ways! In other words, you can actually write stuff worth reading about. Yes, you’ll have to change names of real people/companies, and maybe details about them.  Yes, you’ll have to make up an imaginary city for all this to take place in.  That’s all part of the fun.

You might think this is negative.  And it is. But for a reason:  If I want to find out why Phi Delta Gamma IS FREAKIN’ AWESOME of a fraternity, i can find that information on their official site. if I want to see wny Dow Chemical is TOTALLY FREAKIN’ AWESOME and loves the environment, that info is also readily available.  But if i want to read the  DIRTY LAUNDRY(both personal and institutional) I can’t find it anywhere, even though it is 1000 times as fun AND real!  According to some douchebag at Wired magazine, Blogs are supposed to enable us to, through the Miracle Of Technology, expand our horizons and learn about new cultures or points of view.  And yet here is what we end up with:  “life is hard.”  “LuV MaH PeEpZ whaZZUPP~!”  Thanks a lot, you douche.  Have fun at burning man.  To the lame bloggers: having your friends’ pictures all over your blog is a sure-fire way to get compliments even if you suck, But it is only the whistle-blowers and shit-disturbers that can deliver the promise of blogs, and  let us know what REALLY goes on in other walks of life!

Now, what I am suggesting goes against human vanity so it’ll probably neverh appen. But just in case, though, let me say what i want to read when i read your blog:

1) stuff other people think is super-important but you think is bullshit, and vice-versa

2) things you feel ashamed of / times when you knowingly did something phoney / times when you feel like a total fraud
3) lies you told
4) revenge you got or want to get
5) actual experiences, not pithy sayings
6) people you feel jealous of and why
7) secret stuff that people who are not in your race/social class/sex/job would not ordinairly know about.
8) weird stories about that crazy uncle/ ex-roommate / cat lady next door
9) pet peeves, the randomer the better
10)  weird notions that your parents put in your head, that maybe you don’t agree with them but you catch yourself doing it anyway.
11) social rules you think are bullshit.
12) embarassing habits/obsessions. things you do excessively when you are sad.
13) critiques of the media/your school/social group, based not on what they portray but based on WHAT THEY LEAVE OUT (i.e. what is NOT DISCUSSED that should be).

14) get all anthropological on your mileu (i.e.  list the unwritten rules of your clique/religion/workplace, and the social pecking order) 

Whether you are a scientist working on quarks, or a Klansman with a fetish for teddy ruxpin, or a college girl who is wrestling with self-determination-vs.-sluttiness issues. . . this 14-point secret-spy-style blog program is garunteed to produce a fun/sad/real blog. If you know any blogs like this, leave a comment and let me know!  If you know anyone with a crap blog, email THEM a link to this, so that they can get pissed off and write me hate mail.

p.s.in case you’re curious, here are two blogs that actually do this.  STEREOLABRAT and BIGDEADPLACE. 

In the months following 9/11, approximately everybody in the USA said, “if you criticize the president, you’re a traitor!”  Like even if you said something pretty obvious like, “So if 17 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi Arabian, why are we attacking Afghanistan and Iraq?”  they’d say, “Shut up, Hippy McTaliban, why do you want our soldiers to die?” 

Since 9/11, Bush’s approval rating slipped from 90ish% to 33ish%.

So, I am no mathemetologist, but, it seems like the majority of Americans done changeded their minds about him. The same people who said any criticism is anti-american.  How did that happen?

I’m not asking WHY republicans are critical now, I’m asking HOW they justify changing their minds. 

Do they ever once think, to themselves, when no one is around, “Ok, i spent 6 years saying Clinton was a murderer and a liar and should be impeached. Then Bush got elected, and I said anyone criticizing the president for any reason was a big fat traitor.  And now I think bush sucks, and it is OK.   Damn, how did that happen?!!!  I’m so amazing!!!  Hey, football isn’t on for another 5 minutes, so let’s spend this commercial break to formulate a coherent explanation for why  nothing I say is every contradictory or even slightly wrong in retrospect.”

I’m talking about all these newly-enlightened Midwesterners who are just now like, “Duh? He done did something bad? What? Sorry, I was at Wal-mart searching for oversized sweatpants to fit my huge middle-american ass for the past 3 years. What’s all this about torture and domestic spying?”. . . .I know the practical thing is for the Left to unite with them and make political progress that way.  But shit; they called us america-haters for like 3 years, for merely saying the same shit that they are saying now, and we’re supposed to embrace them now?  FUCK IT - I  want payback.  I’m talking about: Tie up all the bush voters to a chair and interrogate them.  It would have to be a pretty big chair. I know. I have people working on this.  That is not the point.  The point is, have a huge bass-heavy loudspeaker to yell at them like they yelled at us:

“WHY DON’T YOU APPROVE  OF OUR WAR PRESIDENT? ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT DEMORALIZING OUR BRAVE TROOPS IN THE FIELD WITH YOUR ANTI-AMERICAN POLL ANSWERS?”

“But, he lied to us about the reasons for Iraq war.”

“SO WHAT?  THAT WAS PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE BEFORE THE WAR! AND YET YOU SPENT 3 YEARS CALLING ANYONE WHO SAID ‘HE LIED’ A TRAITOR. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?’

“Well, that’s different.  Back then,I thought we’d win.”

“ASSHOLE.  WHY ELSE DON’T YOU LIKE HIM ANYMORE? BESIDES YOUR TIES TO AL-QUEDA I MEAN?”

“Well, his FEMA response was not good. He should have admitted he made a mistake in the planning.”

WHAT? DEMANDING ACCOUNTABILITY FROM AN ELECTED OFFICIAL? DIDN’T YOU GET DRUNK AT A FAMILY REUNION IN 2004 AND CALL YOUR COUSIN AN AMERICA-HATER FOR SAYING THE SAME EXACT THING?”

“Well, he IS an america-hater. I’m not –I just don’t like the way the President is leading the country right now.”

“THAT IS WHAT YOUR COUSIN SAID, TOO, AND YOU JUST YELLED OVER HIM.  YOU HYPOCRITICAL SWINE.  SO YOU DON’T LIKE THE PRESIDENT? WELL, SADDAM HUSSEIN IS WORSE.  DO YOU WANT TO PUT SADDAM BACK IN POWER? HUH? HUH?!? YOU SADDAM-LOVING TERROR-HUGGER?”

“Plus, he’s helping illegal immigrants. They’re called illegal for a reason!”

“WHO CARES?  WHEN YOU CRITICIZE THE PRESIDENT IN TIME OF WAR, YOU GIVE AMMUNITION TO THE ENEMY. YOU SAID THAT YOURSELF, BACK IN JANUARY. YOU MADE ABSOLUTELY NO DISTINCTION BETWEEN CRITICIZING DOMESTIC AND FOREIGN POLICY; IT WAS ALL VERBOTEN.”

“that was different! That was about unimportant stuff like torture, not the sudden and drastic problem of Mexicans.

“WHY DO YOU REPUBLICANS ALWAYS BLAME AMERICA FIRST?  ‘OH HE TOOK THE WRONG POSITION, LET’S JUST BASH THE HEAD OF THE FREE WORLD! NEVER MIND WHAT OTHER COUNTRIES ARE DOING TO ENCOURAGE IMMIGRATION, LET’S STRAIGHTAWAY BASH THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT BECAUE WE HATE FREEDOM AND JESUS. PASS THE TOFU!’ CHRIST ALMIGHTY, YOU REPUBLI-HIPPIES MAKE ME SICK.”

*sobs uncontrollably*

“SO ONE LAST TIME I’M ASKING YOU, WHY IS IT OK TO TALK BAD ABOUT HIM ALL OF A SUDDEN? TO KICK THE PRESIDENT OF THE GOD DAMN UNITED STATES OF JESUS, WHEN HE IS DOWN, AND MAKE THE TERRORISTS LAUGH AND GIGGLE AND PLAY WITH YOYOS AND SPOON EACH OTHER? WHEN DID THAT BECOME OK?”

“well, because your mom, is why. Look, i want my side to win.  Logical consistency and principles are for losers and whiners. If he is doing something to piss off liberals, any criticism is unpatriotic. if he is doing something I don’t like, criticism is ok.  And if he has become a political liability to the republican agenda, that is a worse crime than legalizing torture, suspending due process, domestic spying, stealing an election, and raping the environment combined. We will turn on him like hyenas, with no thought to any of our previous ‘war-president-is-unassailable’ rhetoric. Frankly, we can’t believe you guys were so stupid as to be cowed by that.”

“THANKS FOR YOUR HONESTY.  YOU HOLE.  HERE IS A RED-WHITE-AND-BLUE BAG FULL OF JESUS PISS AND GOD SMEGMA. NEXT TIME YOU FEEL AN OPINION COMING ON, SUBMERGE YOUR HEAD IN IT COMPLETELY UNTIL THE FEELING GOES AWAY.”

Then, untie them from the chair and let them stagger out into the light of day.  Praise the lord, the end.

I realized what Myspace is – high school yearbook signatures.  Terrabytes of them.  Used to be that you only had to endure that circle-jerk of shallowness once a year. (Dood, remember that party, ur so kewl have a wicked rad summer don’t ever change xoxo).  Now, thanks to myspace, we can do that all year round!  Holla!

See, this is what happens when you get people who are incapable of any kind of introspection and let them make a page detailing their innermost thoughts.   Plus most of the writing is the result of mtv-reality-shows, where a whole generation thinks if they ACT all famous and have ‘an attitude’ then they will become famous.  You could say I am over 20 so I am supposed to hate myspace. Hell no—it’s not like there is a rule that teenagers HAVE to act like illiterate narcissists.  The fact is, my position on youth culture has not changed with age at all.  I hated teenagers since I WAS one.  Now I think about it, I hate them way LESS than I did back then.  With one exception – nerds. Fuck nerds. Bunch of sell-outs.

Let me explain: 

The irony of  all this myspace-and-MSM-etc is,  that  it’s  the smartest 1% of the population – nerds – who are working like 60-hour weeks programming the most advanced experimental code, to enable the dumbest 50% to ‘holla’ at each other and ‘hit me back’ . . . exactly the same kind of people that would never even look at those nerds in real life.

That’s so funny I could LOL!
 
That’s fucking great, “Amazing Amber124”— some guy worked an 80 hour week coding, so that we could all know that  “I  *heart*U2!”  . . .AND backup copies of your  statements are in bomb-proof data centers in 4 states! Because that’s how much we *heart* keeping your wisdom for future generations!

.
Hey K3LLY— don’t you feel important? Some dudes and ladies went to grad school for 5 years to learn PLSQL and PYTHON coding, just so you can let us know that   “MY LIL BRO IS THE SHIETttTTTTT”. 
.

Oh, plus  QTPRINCEzZ’s interests are :
movies. music, fashion, tennis, hot guys, life…anything…i love talkng to ppl..so much fun!!! eeek..hehe beach, snowboarding, shooting stars =), adventures, shopping, food, eating out, sports, friends, deep conversations, dressing up formally, hanging out, hanging out with the v-club!!! woop woop.  See, before the internet, I would have had to live without that information.  I would have been scratching my head, “What kind of guys does qtprincezz like?  Lame ones? Or hot?”  Or maybe losing sleep over the question, “Where can I find someone  else who likes both life AND food?  Am I the only one??”

Anyway, I know I can’t singlehandedly stop this whole ‘social network’ industry, I had to at least try to make it less dumb.  So here is a myspace page I made.   I encourage other people to make pages for stuff -  like the Battle of Hastings, and inanimate carbon rod,  coelacanth twins, or  a small flake of eczema.  Together they could make a more interesting network.

Where do I even start with this?  OK, circumcision. 

 Fine.   That is a thing which exists.

But some really hard-core Jews turn it up a notch.  They’re like some Mosaic hipsters, all “Oh, circumcision was cool back in the 12th century, but now everyone is doing it, it’s too trendy.  But let’s see the gentiles try THIS!”  and then they bend over and METZITZAH B’PEH all over your baby.   Metzitzah b’peh is not some guy who hangs out with Cthlulhu, and it is not a death metal band. Yet. 

What it is, is a 5,000 year-old Hebrew word. METZITZAH means “circumcise” and B’PEH means, of course, “by the mouth”.  I am so totally not making a Jew joke.  This really happens. According to Jewish Week magazine, Rabbi David Zwiebel says that it happens 2,000 times a year in NYC alone.

NY DAILY NEWS , being a respectable newspaper, describes the proccess like this:

“The practice, known in Hebrew as metzitzah b’peh, involves a practitioner, or mohel, drawing blood from a child’s circumcision wound by mouth.”

This being a mere webpage,though , I think it is safe to call it “vampire pedophile blowjobs.”   Occam’s razor, motherfucker!

What is amazing is, think of all the bullshit that Jews get accused of  throughout history- running the banks, doing the trade center bombings, eating christian babies and putting the blood in the catholic wafers, making up totally fake holocausts at the drop of a hat –

. . . and the whole time racists were making up dumb rumors, some hard-core Jews were doing real shit that was like ten times worse. Just goes to show that racists do NOT HAVE IMAGINATION. 

So, vampire pedophile blowjob. And that is not even the punchline. 

the punchline is, what happens when you combine metzitzah b’peh with a herpes, aids, syph, ghonnorea- infested rabbi?

 Well, the baby gets the disease.  One child died last year, and 6 more cases of  herpes-babies were reported. all 7 were b’pehed by the same guy. 

This totally sounds like something you would read on www.nazimcbigotsfunpage.org or something.  But I am only quoting newspapers and Jewish magazines  here.  In fact, the herpes-killer rabbi himself has a page! That’s right, not only is he not in jail, he is still ordained as a rabbi.  and he is on the internets!  The webpage talks all about how awesome it is to have a covenant with god, but omits any discussion of a) herpes or b) sucking your infant’s peter.  Why, hide it, Rabbi? Why aren’t you proud of your Mosaic heritage????? God is crying!

Anyway, maybe I exaggerate. Maybe it’s ok to defend to the death your right to b’peh the night away because JEWISH PRIDE, BABY!, while  at the same time totally hiding b’peh from your Jewish clients.  After all, the parents can find out about that part later, when you suddenly start chugging away. 

The upshot is, he was told to stop sucking for a while while the other rabbis (not cops or health officials) investigate if he poses a hazard.  Because the hazard is not yet obvious, even to wise and learned men.  See, this is why rabbis are smarter than you or me.  To them, there are lots of ways that otherwise-unrelated children could get the same herpes.  From the mother, or one of those nurses that always make those awful videos, for instance. According to Jewish Week, STD-expert  and anti b’peh-er Dr. Zenilman said,

“It is also highly unlikely another nurse in the hospital or caregiver caused the infection,  as that would have required the nurse to spit on the baby’s penis or have direct mouth-to-genital contact that could have infected all three babies.”

Thanks, Zenilman, you anti-Semite. But you forget something -Those seven babies,  I’m not saying they were sluts,but well, they got around.  That maternity ward was like, the minute the nurse left, blaow.  Total orgy.  Probably some non-circumcised goyische baby got loose with the cooties and infected them.

According to Jewish Ledger.com, Rabbi Adler  suggests for families who consider fellatio-style circumcision an important tradition, but don’t want to ask the mohel if he has been tested for AIDS lately. . . .

“The father should consider performing the custom himself. Remember, the Torah commandment is for a father to circumcise his son. The mohel stands in for the father to do what the father cannot. If the father wants metzitza, the father can be shown how.”

See?  These guys didn’t spent 10 years at Torah School for nothing. Sharp as a tack.  But, what exactly did he mean “be shown how?”  is there a training video? an anatomically correct doll like they have at Catholic Priest trials? Does Dad practice on the Mohel himself?  Because that would be way more fun than a stupid doll.  “Yeah, that’s right, bitch. I’m fin to bust a nut here, Now remember, bitch, pretend it’s blood. OOOHHH SHHITTTT I’M SIGNING THE  COVENANTTTTTTT aww yeah.” On the downside, though, giving the Dad herpes too is kind of counterproductive.

Anyway, the NYC Mayor said he was not going to ban the practice. In fact, the NYC Department of Health stopped short of even requiring Mohels to TELL THE PARENTS THEY PLANNED TO SUCK IT.  Seriously. “informed consent” was dropped from the resolution.  Face it, if you don’t KNOW what “B’peh” means, you are a lousy Jew anyway, and you deserve to be surprised. “Hey check it out, Mom! Now comes the part where i do THIS!” All the board of health is doing is putting a warning on their web page, saying ‘maybe vampire pedophilia blowjobs are not a good idea from a health standpoint.’  They did not comment on the, um, aesthetics.

I, for one, agree with Bloomberg’s brave decision.  After all, if you get in people’s private lives and interfere with religion, next thing you know Mormons  won’t be able to have 15 wives, and next, Catholics won’t be able to  molest boys, and then Muslims can’t stone women to death for going to school, and then basically we would be living in some kind of communistical, Athiest police-state at that point, right? So we have to nip this big-government thing right in the bud. 

NY Daily News reports that NYC health commisoner Mr. Frieden said, “some rabbis use a glass tube, a sponge or sterile gauze pads to safely draw blood away from the wound.”   Glass tube?  basically he is saying it is OK to turn a Jewish baby into a human crack pipe.  I guess that would cut down on the number of children dying or getting STDs, but what if the rabbis start getting hooked on babies?  All running around with their glass pipe, looking for a hit.  Gives new meaning to that famous  “I’ll suck your dick, man!” scene in BOYS N THAT HOOD.

both sides, (the pro-herpes-herpes-sucky-sucky side (otherwise known as God’s Side) and the anti-herpes-herpes-sucky-sucky side (AKA commnist jew-haters)) have an unspoken agreement to only talk about the health aspect of the ritual.  From the same Jewish Ledger article:

Rabbi Moshe Tendler, a dean at Yeshiva University’s rabbinic school and a professor of biology there, as well as an expert in Jewish medical ethics with a doctorate in microbiology, opposes metzitzah b’peh as halachically unnecessary and medically dangerous.

On the other hand, Rabbi David Niederman said “There have been seven cases, allegedly over a span of 15 years,” he said. “you’re talking about 120,000 brises of metzitzah b’peh. You tell me, is it safer to give a flu shot or to do metzitzah b’peh?”  yeah, because  b’peh is just pedophile blowjobs.  But to get a flu shot nowadays, the doctors have to do anal double penetration on you. So that is a point.
Anyway, back to the Battle of the Rabbis, isn’t it convinient how they both happen to conclude (after rigorous study and prayer) that God wants EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED TO BEGIN WITH.  I mean, talk about lucky.  Plus,what’s the point of even HAVING a religion if 2 dudes can both study for 15 years of intense training and still come to total opposite conclusions about what God wants?  Frankly, me and my friend Moyce can study the torah for 4 minutes and be just as confused as these 2 Rabbis, but that leaves us an extra 14 years and 11 months to drink and have shennannegans. 

Oh, plus, it’s a DUDE SUCKING BLOOD OUT OF A BABY’S JHONSON. 

we live in a world, where there is an internet.  and on the internet, people see a unique ad which corresponds to  keywords in their ’search string’ or ‘email’ that they typed.  For instance, if i search google for cars, some car ads will automatically pop up next to my search results.   

how it works is, advertisers pay money  to the website based on which keywords they want associated with their ad.  there are bidding wars over popular words like ‘money’ or ’sex,’ whereas less obvious words such as ‘insalubrious’ or ‘chastity’ fetch lower ad prices.

 thus it is, that we are living in a time where the following webpage is possible:

(it is an actual screen grab from a lyrics.com page . . .

. . . with accompanying advertisement.)

my first reaction was: oh, disgorge, you fucking sellouts!! take your cross-platform grindcore marketing paradigm elsewhere!

my second reaction was: so, which keyword was it that associated the “are you really in love?” ad with this song? 

1) regurgitate?

2) entrails?

3) rotting rot?  (or is that 2 keywords?) 

anyway, what do YOU think?  which keyword was it? 

and, is disgorge REALLY in love?  or do they say that to ALL the (dead, eviscerated) girls?

 if you have a second, leave a comment and try to solve these vexing riddles.

I’d like to start with some poetry today.

Lookin real fine standin 5′9
High heels on right on time
God Damn look at shawty she makin that ass jiggle
I like the way you wobbedy wobbedy when it wiggle

Now, let me ask you – is that something my ten year old cousin wrote in 30 seconds, or something written by a famous artist that sold over a million albums? *

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think about it –   We are now living in an age where it is HARD TO TELL if a lyric is written by a genius super-millionaire or a retarded 9-year-old.  that is fucking amazing. I mean, sure, rock and roll has ALWAYS had its share of nonsense lyrics, from ‘womp bomp a loo bomp a bomp bam boom’ to ’sha na na,’  but rockers did not consider themselves poets. they played instruments and put on a show, and the words were nonsense because they did not matter.  but rap isn’t anything BUT lyrics. 

When I think of rap in 2006, here is what I imagine:  some guy, sitting at a huge desk made from a single hunk of pure platinum, holding a ballpoint pen covered entirely in diamonds, flexing his face with the intense concentration of a lawyer taking the BAR examination.  Slowly and carefully he writes each letter, while subvocalizing: “she. . . making . . .that . . . ass. . .jiggle.”  (pause, look to the heavens for inspiration) (sweat beading on the fingers, dripping into the cracks between diamonds on the pen)  (the flash of sudden insight, followed by rapid scribbling, quickly, before the sweet voice of his muse fades into oblivion) “I like the way you wobbedy wabbedy when it wiggle.”   Then some white guy in a suit wipes the sweat off of his forehead with a towel made from a single giant emerald, and hands him a check for ten million dollars.  “jiggle rhymes with wiggle!  Genius!  Mwah! This is garunteed double-platinum!”
This is what rap has come to – it’s on some Picasso shit.  guys that CAN write real rhymes are deliberately doing some shit that an 8-year-old could.  Do  .  and making Picasso money at it!

Don’t misunderstand my position on asses.  Asses are awesome.  Next to Brazil, America has the biggest asses ever and, like the Emancipaton Proclimation or the simpsons, this is  part of our cultural heritage that we can be proud of.  But, why is it that 5 guys get to rap about asses and make a million bucks, and then a million broke guys rap about the same asses and get no money at all??   

 Certainly, “looking real fine/ standing five foot nine”  is genius poetry, but is it really ONE MILLION TIMES more genius than MC NoRecordDeal’s rap where he goes, “shake that ass, bitch/ work it work it, bitch”?  I sort of imagine Mr. NoRecordDeal  hearing the Ying Yang Twins on the radio and smacking himself on the head, going, “Dang it!! If only I had written something more commercial like, shake that ass, WIGGLE/ work it work it  JIGGLE.  Guess that is why I am not a star.”

And what is up with rap consumers?  Ass-related music used to be like once-a-year summer-booty-anthem like ‘ride my pony’ or ‘whoomp it is over there.’  But now, when every single rap song on the radio is about asses, why are people still buying/downloading the songs a million a day??  Do they feel, like, not sufficiently informed about asses?  Are they, like, “OK,   I got a mp3 of MC Strip-club-going-a-lot, 2 albums by Sir Cheeks-a-Bouncin, and an ipod full of  Rumpy McWobble and the Tuchus Clique S.H.A.K.A.Z. , but I still don’t get it.  Asses are apparently important for some reason, but why?  WHYYYY???? If  only it wasn’t so complicated!  I need to buy  that new song by Professor BigGiantHumongousHippo’sBehindThatSmells, because maybe he will clear it up.  OK, I bought it.  but,   what if. . . what if, all these guys turn out to be wrong about asses?  I have to get another rapper’s opinion, lest I look foolish. I don’t want to commit without hearing all sides of the issue.” 

In conclusion,  I am not a total hater. I have great respect for guys and ladies that can freestyle.  Because that shit is really difficult.  But, if you are doing some shit anyone could do, you should get paid fry-cook wages to do it.  I mean, why don’t the record companies get ACTUAL 8-year-olds to do the raps, and then just pay them with a copy of Hustler and a Whopper, and then pocket ALL the profit?? 
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*Actually it’s by the Ying Yang twins.  they have sold over 2,000,000 albums.

Bouncer;  ok, you meet the dress code and your ID checks out, that’ll be 30 bucks, sir.
Customer – ok, here (hands bouncer a paper)
Bouncer – what is that?
Customer- read it, sir.  

Bouncer -  a bill?

Customer —  I owe you 30 but I am charging you 14 for searching me, violating my privacy even though I am innocent, and another 12 bucks for judging my clothes because that is just plain insulting, 8 bucks for paying a DJ an insulting amount of money, just to press ‘play’ and then passing the cost of it on to me, and finally  10 bucks, which is the cost of buying water in the club since you just confiscated my water.  so essentially, YOU owe ME 14 bucks. Pay up.  Sir.
 

all these waaay-too-california moments happened right when i got back from Japan  . ..  and reminded me why i am so ashamed to be from here.

 #1

I was in the health food store.  The cashier was eyeing my  tofu and soymilk with distaste, saying that it was kind of a sellout health food, and the real health food was – no kidding – hemp oil.  “There have been studies, man.” At that point, the guy in line before me came back, saying, “Yeah, that’s amazing. Right on.  Hey,  wait — you charged me for the completely wrong stuff.”  Cut to commercial.  

#2

Driving down Lombard street in San Francisco. Even though it is a green light, the guy next to me screeches his brakes.  I stop too, to see what the fuss is about.  Some blonde pony tail woman is so into her cellphone conversation that she walked into a  4 lane road when her light was red.  And  here is the amazing part – her face shows the fear and shock appropriate to someone who just came within a foot of death, but somehow SHE IS STILL TALKING ON HER CELLPHONE.  Like, perhaps she is. ..  NARRARATING  the whole thing to Ashley or Tiffany or whomever??

#3,

 me and my pal go out to dinner.  A few minutes later, a white-guy-asian-lady couple sits down next to us.  A few minutes after THAT, another white-guy-asian-lady couple sits down on the other side of us.  The first guy had his fucking blackberry PDA out on the table all blinking so everyone could see how important he was. The other jive turkey was dating a fine buisnesswoman in dignified black pant-suit, but he was some dungeon-master-looking clown with flip flops.  At least asian women from Thailand  or the philipines have third-world-poverty as an excuse for sleeping with utter tools.  What the hell is going on here??