cali damage

so, there is a story behind the banner image up there.

It was a slightly drunken evening in Tokyo, in December 2005.  Weaving home from the Izakaya on my bicycle, I realized I was hungry.  Now another person might have just stopped at the konbini (convinience store) and gotten some rice-balls, but I was feeling ambitious. I didn’t want a meal. I wanted an EXPERIMENT. I knew it could be dangerous, but with sake as my guide, I felt prepared to go where no (sober) man had gone before. 

This is one of those ideas that seem funny when you’re drunk, but in the cold sober light of day just seem fucking HILARIOUS.

step one:  cornflakes.

step two:  soy milk. 

(Yes, that is a Hello Kitty Decapitated Head Table)

Step three:  to increase the probability of an interesting chemical reaction, a catalyst is added.

The experimental batch turns brown! 

It’s almost sick enough for me to eat, but not quite.

I need something else. Something more wrong.  some seasoning, if you will.

 step four:

Q:mix the Jager, porn, soymilk, and cornflakes together and what happens?

A: SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, here I am, demonstrating the success of the experiment.

Didn’t finish the whole thing. Didn’t have to — I had enough data to work with.

My scientific conclusion, based on qualitative analysis of organic and inorganic compounds from all spectroscopic frequencies, is, it tasted bad.

See, any jerk can guess how bad it tastes, but only a serious Drunkentist like me or Issac Newton can actually KNOW it. 

What?? Newton was totally hammered.  Who else passes out under a tree and doesn’t wake up until an apple bonks ‘em on the head, innit?  He was like “cor blimey mate, i discovered Gravity!  I’m so pissed I can’t walk 3 steps without fallin’ down! Look, mate, I’m going to discover gravity again — woot” “Oi blimey, there it is again! and again!” “Cor, mate, now me VOMIT is going down, not up! That is what we call solid confirming evidence of me hypothesys, innit? BLEEEARGGH.”

See, this is why science is so fucking awesome.

last weekend was the wonderfully-named APE convetion; the Alternative Press Expo.

I am always surprised when I go there because . ..  even though  it is a comic book thingy, I can’t see   Mr. shaved-on-sides-with-pony-tail-and-trench-coat-and-pants-bloused-into-unlaced-combat-boots and his friend Mr. Obese-with-giant-4-color-shirt-and-huge-floppy-shorts-and-goatee. Instead, everyone looks like they are in an Indie band,  the gender ratio is almost 50/50, and everyone is friendly!

Fashion-wise, most of the gothic people have stopped coming, and have been replaced by a a wave of wacky thrift-store girls with tight wool sweaters,  flood pants, and purple stockings.  I don’t understand why this is, but I stand behind it 100%, and if anyone knows who is responsible for this change, please ask them if they can package the phenomenon, perhaps in ray-gun form. 

Anyway, here is my favorite new comics. they are all available online for free, but if you like them, you should buy the print version: 

action philosophers! world’s greatest thinkers explained to the layman in superhero format.
crying macho man! - it has jokes!
matt howarth was not at APE but damn, he has a webpage. His M.O. is to have alien bounty hunters attack real rock stars like Residents or Hawkwind. 
carl is the awesome! I really can’t explain this.
Hellen Jo’s Page-  she does  . … perhaps I should just give up even trying to summarize these.
Jason Thompson’s page  - incredibly detailed, obsessive renditions of HP Lovecraft stories, plus romance.

Derek Kirk Kim! – this guy wins awards. Everything from misanthropic rants, to bittersweet romance, with pictures.

same hat!
translations of obscure Japanese gag and horror manga.

http://www.girlsandcorpses.com/ - I have been assured that this is not photoshop.  Still don’t understand how they keep the corpses from falling apart, though. Those girls are pretty vigorous.

Dirk’s Tokyo Comic> - this German Gentleman’s tokyo blog is in comic book form! Not only that, but if you have a stunt you want him to do, email him, and he’ll go out in public and do it, and then write a comic about it!

Permanent links to these comics are on the right side of the screen. 

all these waaay-too-california moments happened right when i got back from Japan  . ..  and reminded me why i am so ashamed to be from here.

 #1

I was in the health food store.  The cashier was eyeing my  tofu and soymilk with distaste, saying that it was kind of a sellout health food, and the real health food was – no kidding – hemp oil.  “There have been studies, man.” At that point, the guy in line before me came back, saying, “Yeah, that’s amazing. Right on.  Hey,  wait — you charged me for the completely wrong stuff.”  Cut to commercial.  

#2

Driving down Lombard street in San Francisco. Even though it is a green light, the guy next to me screeches his brakes.  I stop too, to see what the fuss is about.  Some blonde pony tail woman is so into her cellphone conversation that she walked into a  4 lane road when her light was red.  And  here is the amazing part – her face shows the fear and shock appropriate to someone who just came within a foot of death, but somehow SHE IS STILL TALKING ON HER CELLPHONE.  Like, perhaps she is. ..  NARRARATING  the whole thing to Ashley or Tiffany or whomever??

#3,

 me and my pal go out to dinner.  A few minutes later, a white-guy-asian-lady couple sits down next to us.  A few minutes after THAT, another white-guy-asian-lady couple sits down on the other side of us.  The first guy had his fucking blackberry PDA out on the table all blinking so everyone could see how important he was. The other jive turkey was dating a fine buisnesswoman in dignified black pant-suit, but he was some dungeon-master-looking clown with flip flops.  At least asian women from Thailand  or the philipines have third-world-poverty as an excuse for sleeping with utter tools.  What the hell is going on here?? 

if one has bad-enough diarrhoea, at some point the poo is under so much gas-pressure that it stops coming out like cheap curry and starts coming out like frappuchino, all carbonated tiny bubbles.  that’s right:  crappuchino.

 remember, i am not doing this for me; i am not doing this for you. 

i am doing this for SCIENCE.