cali damage

back online

schultzzzzzzz — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 11:11:57 +0000

i am back in tokyo. for maybe a year?

i am resuming TOKYO DAMAGE REPORT!

please check for updates weekly, at www.hellodamage.com/tdr/currentpage.htm

thanks!

also, since only 4 people are still reading THIS site, maybe you can email me and give me advice — how do i get the word out that i am resuming TDR? i mean, i don’t go to gaijin forums, and i have basically no idea where all the old TDR readers might be nowadays.

if you have a suggestion please leave it in the comment section for this site. thanks!

burning man is the poor man’s bohemian grove?

schultzzzzzzz — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 00:19:22 +0000

i really think i’m on to something here.

1) both are in summer (bohemian grove in July / burning man in early September)

2) both start with “b” (think about it!)

3) both are camp-outs, in the middle of nowhere.

4) both worship a giant effigy ( Dull Care the 45-foot owl / the 40-foot-at-least Burning Man)

5) both have a ceremony where they burn stuff ( the cremation of care / see above)

6) both have a certain amount of nude hi-jinks,

7) both use a half-assed pagan exuse (druid costumes / ‘tribal, dude!’)

and

8) both have an unparallelled level of self-congratulation among the members.

anybody that’s been to both, email me and compare.

moving

schultzzzzzzz — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:25:34 +0000

i’m moving. no posts for a while. go here instead.

HUMILITY PLATES

schultzzzzzzz — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 07:49:53 +0000

what if people’s vanity licence plates told the truth?

5OLAMME
N0FRNDZ
AFRRA1D
RLYS0RY
MYFAULT
WACKEMC
ALLR0NG
UGLY5AD
NOH0PER
GAVEUPP
5MALPN5
KANTSPL
STLVRGN
SMELFAT
TTLPOSR
W8N4DTH
UNLOVED
OHGODNO
PROBLEM
PITYMEE
PLZHELP
WYMOMWY
HELAHIV
BATHOS
WOE15ME
BADLIFE
BOTTOM
NOMAMA
BADL1FE
CRASHME
RICKETS
SPRCHNG
DYSFNCN
NORSPCT
GODH8ME
WIPEYOU
ORPHAN
PNKBTCH
WLTSMRZ
DADSLUT
BRN2MOR
TRKKKIE

schultzzzzzzz — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 19:08:46 +0000

adam “i have no talent or brains and yet everywhere i go people throw huge giant sacks of million-dollar bills at me” sandler has a new movie out. adam “i have made one movie, which even beavis and butthead find childish, 17 times over in a row, and yet, no one tires of it and i swim in a heated jacuzzi full of models made entirely of platinum” sandler’s new movie has a tagline. the tagline is, “What if you had a universal remote controller which actually controlled your universe?”

Naturally, my first thought was, “wait — doesn’t adam sandler ALREADY have that remote controller?” I mean, it would explain a lot.

also, speaking of adam “my shit-eating smirk will be remembered long after the people who work at AIDS hospices tending to the terminally ill have been forgotten” sandler, and Puerto Rican rap star Daddy Yankee, am I REALLY the first person to notice THIS?!??

spotted recently in craigslist:

schultzzzzzzz — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 22:23:11 +0000

yeah, especially when there are so many single guys around that area. They obviously work out a lot and dress well. . .You’d think they’d of found a nice lady already.

bands: don’t even try to get a unique sound.

schultzzzzzzz — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:12:52 +0000

It’s weird. Since the 60’s, recording studios have made HUGE advances. You used to have a giant mixer that cost as much as a house and weighed twice as much. Now you can make a professional-quality album with a laptop and a microphone. Plus all the ‘digital hard-disk recorders,’ ‘keyboard workstations,’ and software that allows you to edit out mistakes, correct vocal pitches, and sample any instrument. And yet, the actual RECORDINGS sound JUST AS CRAPPY as they did in the ’60s. I’m not even talking about crap songs. I’m talking about “Hey, it sounds like the drums are basically nothing but a hi-hat, which must be 18 feet wide, because it is louder than the guitars, which were I guess using walkman headphones as speakers in lieu of an amp.” I’m talking about, “Hey, the bass was apparently recorded through a cement wall, or perhaps several buildings away.” I’m talking about, “I surmise that the vocalist is inside the kickdrum, and they are both 3 inches away from the microphone, while the rest of the band (including the other drums somehow) is 40 feet away inside a shoebox.”

Why is this? Why have huge advances in recording technology not resulted in huge advances in recording quality? Because, in recording technology, like in every other field (medicine, computers, porn)– when someone makes an advance , the new tech becomes industry standard: EVERYONE ELSE COPIES IT. It’s ONLY dumb musicians who try to re-invent the wheel every fucking time despite a success rate of less than 10%. I’m talking about setting up, micing, and tuning the equipment. The fact is, making guitars distorted but you-can-still-hear-what-notes-they’re-playing is DIFFICULT. and making drums sound like what they sound like (as opposed to bubble-wrap-popping kickdrums and tupperware-sounding snares) is hard as hell, PLUS you have to actually make it so that no one drum dominates over the others. This happens very rarely, even with professional engineers. And yet, when they finally get it right, they tear it down and the next band comes in and sets up THEIR equipment and try to start from scratch.

I SAY FUCK THAT!!! When I’m president, anyone that gets lucky enough to record a good guitar tone or drums-that-sound-like-drums, they will have to put HUGE LOCKS on all the microphones, and weld covers over the amps and guitars, so that no one can mess with any of the knobs. Anyone lucky enough to stumble on a drum submix that you can actually hear everything, should call the cops who will come and put barbed-wire fences around the mixing board so no one is tempted to fuck with it. Bands who want their equipment back will be given drugs until they shut up. It belongs to history now.

Bands can moan about, oh man, what about our creativity? what about our unique style? shut up. If you try to use your own equipment and own tones, 90% garunteed no one will even be able to HEAR your unique style. Because your guitar will sound like it was recorded inside a Jacuzzi, and the kickdrum will be louder than the vocals. Besides, your ‘unique style’ is a rip-off of your favorite band’s sound. And guess what? your favorite band HATES the way they sound! They are like, “Fuck! That album sounded terrible. We were too broke and inexperienced to make it sound good.” Look, dude, I know you want to rock, but you have neither the time or the money to make a good sound from scratch. Plus your equipment is crap and you are stoned. Just concentrate on making good songs, and use the studio equipment. I mean, do you insist on bringing your own digital recording hardware, made of twigs and berries and duct tape, to the studio? “Dude, we won’t use your big old mixer made by The Man. We have creativity and integrity! Use this Fisher-Price tape recorder we tricked out with pot leaf decals!” NO, no one does that. So why not think of the equipment the same way? . End of fatwa.

fuck water–!!

schultzzzzzzz — Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:17:50 +0000

honestly, it’s a hopeless liquid. you can’t taste it, and you can’t see it. Seems like everything in life which is the least bit fun — salty food, alcohol, hot baths, coffee — dehydrates me. Spending like half the day just drinking water to get back to normal. So, you’d figure, hey! What a great diet–! Anybody who drinks that much water must lose a pound a week! But in fact, no matter how much I drink, I’m still hungry! Totally useless, I’m telling you. Fuck 93% of my body.

more physics and sex!

schultzzzzzzz — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 20:44:24 +0000

guys who hit on women. You know, pigs. If someone mentions ‘guys who hit on women’ you immediately think of someone from the ’70s with the open-collared shirt with chest hair and a medallion and a greasy smile asking an appalled girl what her sign is. And often that IS the case.
But consider this: for every guy who is at a club, breathing alcohol fumes into some blonde’s face, there is a woman who is staying at home, watching sex in the city with her terriers, who has given up on ever being touched. So who is the bigger loser?

How do I know that these women exist?

I don’t, but I can easily INFER their existence using the same foolproof (or in my case, misanthropic-drunkard-proof) methodology as Nobel Prize-winning Scientists who are studying dark matter. For years, cosmologists and astrophysicists were puzzled by the erratic behavior of galaxies and the expansion rate of the universe. It would take X megatons of matter to make the galaxies move in the way they were moving, and Y megatons of matter to make the universe expand at its current rate. .. and yet they could only find 10% of X! They decided that the extra 90% of X was invisible, unmeasurable particles called Dark Matter. How much is out there? We don’t know. What the hell does it want? No clue. Because, like dwarf stars, this Dark Matter can only be ‘seen’ by its effect on the stars around it: making them wobble erratically.

It does not take a genius to see the analogy to human relationships here.

These women, I will call the Give-Up Girls. I’m not talking about super-hardcore Cat Lady here. I’m talking about your co-worker or boss; your neighbor; the cashier at the supermarket. Normal women that for whatever reason just said, fuck it. Or, don’t fuck it. Whichever. That’s the scary part: they are everywhere but invisible! Who knows how many of them there are? Like Dark Matter, their existence can only be measured by the amount of erratically wobbling men.

But here’s the thing: everybody from professional comedians and sitcom writers to your ‘funny friend’ always makes fun of guys trying to pick women up: “dood check it out, he’s all ‘hey baby’ what a retard!” is basically guaranteed to get you a laugh even if you lost a ‘your-momma’ contest to Al Gore.

Which is fine, I guess. I don’t like those guys. But what I hate even worse is fucking double standards: The Give-Up Girls don’t get made fun of at all. Even though they are worse than the guys!
Why worse? Think about it – if a guy comes up with a cheesy line that appalls a lady, there’s a GUY who is not getting laid. But if a girl gives up on sex altogether, that is a GUY AND ALSO A GIRL who is not getting laid. Therefore, worse.

Sleazy guys: at least they are TRYING. Despite a 90% chance of humiliation.
Give-up girls: take the easy way out, even if it hurts themselves.
Therefore, worse.

OK, now here’s the thing: From the overuse of the pronoun ‘he’, to the lack of ‘women’s voices’ in discussions of WWII, ‘female invisibility’ is a rallying cry of feminists. So, feminists have a DUTY to oppose female invisibility in the dating scene. By exposing Give-Up Girls, and making fun of them just as much as sleazy guys get made fun of. Equal rights!

These women are fueled by a perverse combination of patriarchy and feminism: Both ideologies give women an excuse to give up.
Feminism says: ‘you don’t need a man.’
Patriarchy says: ‘good girls are pure and innocent and never get horny.’
As far as I can tell, the feminist slogan is just putting a girl-power spin on a very traditional and hurtful stereotype! It is pernicious! Both ideologies are teaming up to screw both genders. Why is this not a thing??!??

There is a second perverted mixture at work here.
I’m talking about the weird, eerie mixture of egotism and crappy self-esteem.
You can tell yourself, “No, I have GOOD self-respect. Because I don’t go out with jerks. Or anyone.” Uh-huh? In other words, you are telling your body, “Shut up, vagina. Sex is NOT important. There are absolutely no good guys left ever so stop complaining, you little meat wall.” When I put it like that, it sounds a little self-hatey doesn’t it? Combine that with egotism: ‘I deserve prince charming, and I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather die an old cat lady than surrender my precious booty to a regular guy.’ How give-up girl can juggle both ideas at the same time is beyond me.

Disclaimer 1: I’m talking about women in their late 20’s and older here. Naturally if you are in your teens and early 20s, maybe you honestly haven’t met the right guy or girl for you. Because you are young! So it’s not clear if you are a give-up girl yet.

Disclaimer 2: I’m not saying women’s purpose on earth is to have sex with dudes: I’m against Give-up Lesbians too. Change whatever pronouns you want, and my rant still works, because I am saying that women are equal to men: we’re all allowed to eat and fart and hump.

Anyway, does anyone know a Give-Up Girl?
What does she do instead of relationships?
Is she kind of like, ‘fuck it. They’re all assholes.’ ?
Or totally put all her sex-drive into some hobby? Such as?
Or is she totally devoid of horniness?

fixing the website

schultzzzzzzz — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 06:05:54 +0000

ok! i fixed the main page’s link to warusaru records.

and i fixed the corrupted movie file — you can now watch the complete LEGACY OF CUTEALITY video.

thanks to everyone who helped point out broken links!