here is where i put lyrics to songs which are not for sale.
All these songs have actually been recorded, though!
a lot more lyrics are at the INEPT RECORDS page, along with some free mp3s.
(unreleased album)
- blot I
- SATAN CAVORTS THROUGH THE MEMBRANE
- I'M GOING TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE MY BLADDER JUST LIKE JERRY LEWIS
- FEED THE EXTRA PARTS TO AL GORE LATER
- COMING THROUGH YOUR BUTT LIKE VACLAV HAVEL
- TWO FISTED NAZI MASTURBATOR
- EVILL ZOOKEEPER
- P.T. BURZUM AND THE GREATEST HOES ON EARTH
- HAIL THE LOWLY OX-TAIL
- BANSHEE AT THE FISH FRY
- Mr. MAGOO PROTRUDES FROM MY RECTUM
- BEHIND THE WALL OF SLEEP (TAKE YOUR WARM AFRO, BOSS!!)
- FUNK METAL AT LAST!
- mao mix
- SIT ON THE BED AND PLAY WITH ED ASNER
- BLOT II
1. BLOT I
2. SATAN CAVORTS THROUGH THE MEMBRANE
he dwells inside a sickle-cell
planning a scheme to tickle Hel????l
Satan cavorts through the membrane
but gets rather surly, sitting in traffic in Brisbane
so the sickle cell pops out of Kissinger's earlobe
and lodges up his butt when he gets his ass probed
finding a polyp, he flirts like a trollop:
"If you don't come with me, babe, I'll give you such a wallop...!"
at his behest, they elope through his breasts
and go back in thru his urethra to invite more guests
like a gay sperm cell dressed as Marie Antoinette
he's huffing and-a puffing (like a crazy with Tourette's)
keeping a ribosome and DNA as pets
he's catchin hemoglobin in his nets
and eats till he gows to the size of a Kobold
then bursts through Kisssinger cus he is so bold!
like "Alien in Brisbane Part II: The Hurting!"
or "Harold and Maude" meets "Godzilla" in "the
Splurting!!"
to comment click here.
3. I'M GOING TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE MY BLADDER JUST LIKE JERRY
LEWIS
kumquats and quarks, and things that seem neato
(like pat robertson in a speedo)
showing his bulge like my uncle vito
barfing up a refried ghandi burrito
singing falsetto in the warsaw ghetto
"If I were a rich maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan" like Paul Dianno
rockin like reagan and menachem begin
but when I bust shots, you'll wind up like sadat
or a sadistic hawaiian, perot, or pol pot
sailing a yacht "straight up your poop chute,
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"
....I put the naughty back in nautical when I get scatalogical
using a proctoscope instead of a monocle
this here's a chronicle of my ill-fated escapade
I confess it made no sense cus i'm mad, i'm mad as as a hatter
i'm going to circumnavigate my bladder...
....just like jerry lewis....
a felon like magellan, navigating like a nudist
or amerigo vespuchi, who's somewhat of a hoochie
him and marco polo going doggie style with
"poochie the rocking dawggg": he's the crudest!
a creepin' and a crawlin' like savvy bhuddist
I'm gonna spank your tuchus with george
lucas
he's coughing up mucus on the seat of your bloomers
now i'm going to sit and dine on your tumors
selling all your humors to the good humor man:
black bile, green bile, blood and lymph glands
hands down i'm the klown making' em go 'Boo Hiss!'
with a toga like brutus, and a tutu like
desmond
am I looking GQ? no question!!!!
here's today's lesson: make a noise like a hessian
(Tom Arraya pops in:)"yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
it's your duty
to get the poker from colonel mustard and kill hootie
shaking my booty on an ark made of leather
sharing my cooties with birds of a feather
I'm a postulating prophet sitting on my toffet
if a smurf comes my way i'm going to grease it up and boff
it
to comment click here.
4. FEED THE EXTRA PARTS TO AL GORE LATER
I crashed my schooner into hugh hefner's gnu
so he plays a funeral dirge on his digerey-dooo
australian ditties make me wanna cut a rug
so I jump off the deck
and start doing the frug
dance a hoochie koochie with kristi yamaguchi
who pulls off her mask and reveals that she's Il Duce
I yell: "shiver me timbers and lance all me boils
save all the juice for the thirsty mohels !"
they're going head-hunting with the wild men of borneo
screaming 'lookout!!!" like ronnie james dio
back in the lab I syntheszye an elk
with an ovum of cher and the sperm of lawrence whelk
it's ogling the boobs of a wealthy old dowager (boioioioiong!!)
pretending they're the moles of lemmy kilminister
lemmy's heisting the lute from a quadraplegic trubador
chop off his arms and legs and stick them in the humidor
then file'em down till they're nothing but a stub
put 'em in my shorts as I sail down to the club
where darth vader lapdances are all a the rage
obi juan's on the pole and chubacca's in a cage (wookie noise)
gilligan won't stop giving me head so
we made him jack off with the grateful dead
now he's eating pavarotti's weenie garnished with scallopini
regurgitates it twice and feeds it to fellini
who whips out his camera and films a naked shirley feeney
I try to leave cus the scene was getting too steamy
but three legged fetuses clogged the escalator
and the doorway's blocked by mulatto masturbators
so I scrape the dead babies off and head for the elevator
so I can feed all the extra parts to al gore later
so I can feed all the extra parts to al gore later
so I can feed all the extra parts to al gore later
so I can feed all the extra parts to al gore later
to comment click here.
5. COMING THROUGH YOUR BUTT LIKE VACLAV HAVEL
coming through your butt like Vaclav Havel
gouging my nose on the remains of your felafel
the pain was so fun I could write a novel 'bout how my
anal spelunkin' disgraced my fellow eunuchs
but i'll show you my nub when I flip up my tunics
battling the fringe as I fight some punics
Carthage is my enemy , from Rome I do hail
screaming through the tuba in an e flat scale
coming up to Jesus with some wood and some nails
I'm a pompous ass not a pompous pilate
never quit sailing cus I'm the staunchest pirate
I'll kill that scurvy swab with a Richard Simmons diet
got so many planks for you to walk
"so jump ye matey!" the parrot done squalk
and sing a long With cap'n Dio as he says "We Rock!!!"
first mate Eddie Vedder: call for the cabin boy
with Gorbachev's dick it's good to add soy
riding Freddie Mercury's mustache like a toy
coming up your colon with a UV meter
bashing my testicles with an egg beater
pumping fluid out of Rod Stewart liter after liter
we sailing to Tonga in our Tonka tug boat
delivering 25 kilos of spastic stoats
which we'll all freebase until we bloat
10 seconds to write a rhyme is not enough
I take a bite out of mimes like a rabid McGruff
this is far less commercial than a Daddy named Puff
with a giraffe flambe i'm getting pretty tasty
hiding my ass from the sun makes it white and pasty
my funk styles are secret like William Casey!
to comment click here.
6. TWO FISTED NAZI MASTURBATOR
St. Patrick says, "snakes don't taste like chicken"
used pam on the griddle, so the boa won't be stickin
then we throw on donald trump to make it finger lickin
pickin off my scab with my forefinger and flickin
I am saint paddy marinating a viper
and rocking out hard with bands like stryper
snack on a diamondback in my yellow leotard
or a pallatable python with a sirape full of lard
'chim-chimmery' I say
like an old schooler
i'm a fool for the hula and
cooler than don schulla:
(the) dolphin coach
i'm not gauche,
i'm so classy
like haile sellasse,
with jane pratt
doing the nasty
on the cover
of the new sassy
i fricasee a chickadee and shellac some similac
'i'm back in black, I hit the sack'
I take prozac and brie like ralph nader,
i'm a two fisted rapper like a nazi masturbator
oh no here I go through another dimension
dissecting jimmy carter with the help of jim henson
riding on a zebra saying 'vote for lloyd benson'
playing strip poker with the trilateral commission
with a smith and wesson
teach ricky lake a lesson
or we'll put her in a car
with an angry-looking hatian
prohibit
that yenta like
I was carrie nation
i'm so cuckolded
I got horns
like satan's
im the scourge of the sea, can't you see i'm dead serious
delerious punks that emerge from below
go 'yo ho d'oh!' and run perot off the poop deck
eject the redneck cus i fogot the alamo
cold getting stupid like a retarded eskimo
I sail the sargasso in my hydraulic galleon
I yodel like a yogi eating super-spicy scallions
with a brie chaser, i'm not a free baser
cus I listen to erasure while I tattoo you with a razor
the damage is major like the britain's ole P.M.
now living in a lean-to in front of the U.N.
he pulled a smelt from his belt and said 'god bless the indians!!'
my avant-garde prose is much worse than tom pynchon's
i'll give the leather turnip to the angry patrons
cooked in tabasco cus i'm such a cajun
stagin' a revolt with my .45 colt
and my uzi named suzi , gonnna turn you into a debolt
now you're a quad cus of my fussilade looking like
quasimodo, cus i ran you over with
my desoto, cus I drive loco on the
run from sherrif lobo! and hold your condo in escrow
with my 45 colt, turn you into a debolt
now you're a quad cus of my fusilade
looking like Quasimodo cus I ran you over with me DeSoto
cus I drive loco on the run from Sherriff Lobo
and hold your condo in escrow...
Condo! Escrow! Eskimo!!!
i'm donning my bonnet as I throw down the gauntlet
i'll beat alex haley with a shillaylee and a grommet
till he vomits, whew, make him do the soft shoe
tap dance manouvre, shuffle through the louvre
and if you break dance on the mona lisa, we'll grease ya
wesson, canola, crisco and jiffy lube
kissinger's got the bag
if vanna white's got the tube
it's a debonair derriere enema spree
I wear my catheter with flair but still smell like pee
i'm frumpy, i'm grumpy, I recite my rhymes loudly
eat a knish full of fish and kick your ass proudly
doun't doubt me, i'm fiendish; have you ever seen this?
a man pull a tapeworm straight out of his penis?
got a squid in my pants, it makes me feel jockular
wearing rainbow suspenders cus mork is so popular
with velvet lederhosen lined with alpine goat fur
I got a lowrider chariot like my man ben hur
or pinochet's prostate which makes a tone in b-flat
please toot the gland elsewere cus I don't wanna see that...
so be a good boy or we'll throw you in the pee vat
PEE VAT! PEE VAT!!!
to comment click here.
7. EVILL ZOOKEEPER
Working at the zoo selling smack to all the gibbons
wear tapeworms in my hair cus I can't afford ribbons
I feed 'blot' to the lions cus it makes me chipper
when Jaques Cousteau comes over that's when i'm pimping Flipper
I get busy with baboons and messy with marmosets
I get more mammal ass than your average farmer gets
spanking the girraffes makes me get gooey
with my leather mask on I resemble Honk Kong Phooey
i'm feeeding Eskimo babies to the hungry polar bears
dosed their mukluks with LSD to take 'em unawares
i'm the evil zookeeper torturing all the animals
i'll sadddle up and elephant and yell "check it out, i'm Hannibal!!'
when i'm angry I tip over water buffallo
PETA protests but I just say 'Shut up you hubba-hoes!"
I get busy with baboons and messy with marmosets
I get more mammal ass than your average farmer gets
when the zoo shuts down I begin my nightly wing ding:
what I did with Ling Ling would put me in Sing Sing
beastiality is a very moral addiction:
knocking up animals to save them from extinction
it's not easy convincing an ibex to try sex
deep throat a dingo all the way down my neck
first I went into a mole hole
then I went into a mole hole
what do you get when you cross a man and a crow?
when it hatches i'll let you know
i'm kickin all the chicken and tickling rhinos
when the lions are hungry they also get to eat winoes
if i'm feeling really scary I go into the aviary
I perform Santarian rites with canaries
so I can see the future in their entrials
I see me swindling seals and killing whales
I see the SPCA is about to stage a raid
and feed me to alligators in the Everglades
so it's time to make my escape
ride a crazed wildebeest to the Bering Straits
to comment click here.
8. P.T. BURZUM AND THE GREATEST HOES ON EARTH
like Louis and Clark, I explore fast food
with my apron on, I'm the pizza dude
crude oil pours from my hairy breeches
and if you piss me off I'm gonna feed you leeches
(to suck out toxins, from my lox'n bagels)
I'll decorate my store with O'Keefes andNagels...
incontinent, I can't control my kegels
with a diaper on I impersonate Hegel !!
late to work and driving like Evel Kenevil
Run over a Nazi like I was Ellie Wiesel
fuck tom petty: I play MY raps on the p.a.
i'm a borderline psycho so give me lots of leeway
all you customers get out of my store
i'll shove a shmear in your rear till my wrists are sore
tie you to the booth and call you AL GORE
selling botulistic lox from the days of yore
Like PT barnum this is the greatest show on earth
I'm gonna harm 'em, cus they're the biggest hoes on earth
'I want some slamon in my yarmukle and make it snappy'
i'll damage ya cus 'hamische' is schmaltzy and sappy
let me smack up my manager cus it will make me happy
my pappy done tole me when I was in kneepants:
"don't eat the kelp or other sea-plants"
just eat fast tood till you blocks a colon
give me a salami enema which makes my poopoo rollin
then take the ground beef and make myself a Golem
In the shape of Henry Rollins!!!
but I break it down cus that shit's not kosher
and your rancid mozzarella draws the wrath of OSHA
no sir, odin, we're fresh out of blot
for 5 bucks a shot you're not getting ambrosia
strictly the hardcore-- grease and lard core
and if I eat too much it'll make my alimentary canal sore
busting more rhymes than an animated al gore
now what you dis my fast food style for?
the food is stale but the lyrics are fresh
I'll circumcize ya with the bagel slicer and make a big mess
I'll circumcize ya with the bagel slicer and make a big mess
I'll circumcize ya with the bagel slicer and make a big mess
I'll circumcize ya with the bagel slicer and make a big mess !!!!
Like PT barnum this is the greatest show on earth
I'll harm 'em, cus they're the biggest hoes on earth
I'll cook that pizza the way I want to
pete moss in the sauce, and dioxin in the fondue
bust nuts in the crust for all the nagging shit I've gone through
my restaraunt's too snooty,
hock a loogey in the lox cause we will, we will taunt you
like a montague
laughing at a capulet
if I was dr. strange i'd melt you down with my amulet
Like PT barnum this is the greatest show on earth
I'm gonna harm 'em, cus they're the biggest hoes on earth
to comment click here.
What characterizes all successful appetizers is visual power, intriguing textures
and aggressive flavors that heighten everyone's eagerness for later gastronomic
triumphs.
curried lamb coins
flavor profile
we call the sauce that accompaies the dumpling 'southwest ketchup'
new wave garlic bread
remove the loin and keep it warm in an oven while the eggs keep on cooking
accompany this with 'pollenta madness'
chickpea corea
spice gravel axe with mango salsa
even the most restrained guest won't be able to resist climaxing underneath
the pastry
lay a piece of ginger at the base of each side of napoleon
herb infused broth
scrub the crabs and mussels, pulling away the beards..
to comment click here.
i'm running down the road and screaming like a banshee
didn't look where I was going, so I ran into a shanty
where I saw Menachem Begin pulling down his panties
doing an Israelei striptease in front of some irish dandies
they were playing marbles with Sammy Davis' glass eye
along with seven Texas Rangers who were eating apple pie
Ronald Reagan's shavin' heads, making all the girls cry
and he combines the hair in a strange fetish coating bass for the big fish
fry!!
he's kicking all the asses of the nation's yoiyth
yes he's quite unconventional and a bit uncouth
he's putting a cap in their asses like William Booth
make em all dissapear: make em all go 'poof!'
to comment click here.
11. Mr. MAGOO PROTRUDES FROM MY RECTUM
Mr. Magoo protrudes from my rectum
kick me in the tummy; maybe that'll eject him
watch his body richochet off General Pinochet
And fall in a ditch where John Bobbit's penis lay
as he flew, he yanked out my condalomas
I feel like i'm passing venitian gondolas
I said, hold on, you give'em back to me fast
and explain your presence in the crack of my ass
why'd you crawl up, are you just mindless?
or did you get lost 'cause of your comical blindness
he said, I'll be blunt, like Allen Funt i'll be
candid...
"I'm the sleep bandit can you stand it?"
I'm a rectal invader whose going up your mudflaps
I said you made me have a anal prolapse
so I need to get a bag for colostomy
cause a cartoon character got lost in me
im a martyr to my sphincter like a diharettic jesus
cus of a little bald bastard who's looking like a fetus
you're an uncouth cartoon sodomist
even tex avery never would have thought of this
pinochet's confused, he keeps saying 'y que?
why don't we come back to chile and have us a 3 way!'
so I tooted his prostate it made a sound in b-flat
but I had to quit cus it kept making feedback
so now my ears are sore and my ass is too
all cus of a foo' named mr. magoo
so I get mad and pull out my mauser
magoo jumps down a well like a midget dowser
saying, "wait, hold on, let's make a deal:
that'll make us richer than shaquille o neal
you got rectal cysts from syphillus
i'm holding them in my shitty fist
if you blast my ass you lose these condolomas
but if you haul me up we can go down to soma
they're no less vulgar than our whole damn culture
so i
declare 'em modern art and sell 'em to moma
we'll charge 'em for a million and not a dime less
and pablo picasso can kiss my ass"
I said, "You're crazy we cant do that, cus the
right wing NEA will never give us a grant!
besides you reek of feces, you're out of hand
you need to get washed up like robert plant!"
quoth magoo, "I got a scheme, even though
its shystie
ill crawl up jesse helms's sexy ole hinie
from inside I control and manipulate him
he's on the senate floor spraypainting hail satan
jesse votes yes, and we get fat dough
now it's time to take the show on the road
we come to your town and magoo will hunker
and then emerge with a trophy like a shitty spelunker!
I go deep and finds some long lost lasanga"
I gold plate it and sell it to Sha Na Na
I gets more hole than andy warhol
i'm an artistic genius with a mighty sore hole
now I'm a millionare because of my deriere
That's when we got the call from a current affair
You're far too tasteful we're waiting for springer
so we can costar with lance the skitzo singer
to comment click here.
12. BEHIND THE WALL OF SLEEP (TAKE YOUR WARM AFRO, BOSS!!)
FEZZES, CONES WITHIN THE SHOWER
DEADLY PETALS FITS LATE SCOUR
FACES SHINE A DEADLY SMILE
AH, COMEON, YOU JULIA CHILD!
CHILDREN NUMB FROM HEAD TO TOE
I SEE SOME WITH FROSTY NOAM
HERMANN GOERING, CHIA SORROW
WHERE'S THE GLORY HOLE TOMORROW?
WHIZZER SPIRO WITH NO BRIS
WINDOW THE FALL INTO KNEES
TAKE YOUR WARM AFRO, BOSS!
ADD YOUR BODY, TWO ACROSS
NO FUN DOG-NESS HAS SPRING LAYS
WAR IS SLEEPY TOADTHAT MIGHT
WARREN'S KNEE IS FLY AND BROKEN
SUNSHINE SEEN YOUR WIENER WALKING!
to comment click here.
KERB 2= K
STEVE = S
CROW = C
k one to the two to the six to the eight
c i'm Mui Mui MacGrrrrrrrrrrregor the Samoan-Scottish crate
s carrying eight tons of Polynesian haggis
k always get my pork products blessed by the rabbis
k laying down the law like Moses in the Bible
c drinking with Jesus getting drunk on highballs
c my god lays prostrate getting sucked by Betty Crocker
s my prostrate's popping like Orovile Reddenbacher
c Wee Willy Wonka, sucking on the Tonka
s with your Wayne Newton mullet, you're still sayin' "Danke!"
k grow that mullet like you really mean buisness
s I got a yule log and it ain't even Christmas
j nor easter, chauuka, quanza or purim
c if the pencil in the ass don't help, nothing will cure him
s #2 Ticonderoga, made from the finest elm
k trading mascara with the Fuhrer Jesse Helms
s tugging our beards like some smart-ass philosophers
c mooning the priest cus we're so very jocular!
k eenie meenie miney mo, rob that bank!
c and kick Winona Rider's ass cus she's a fuckin' skank
s napalming Pengrove and nuking Petaluma
j we'll rock Sebastapol cus they got so many tunas
s turn on a dime and proceed through Cotati
k the famous stomping grounds of the Bavarian Illuminati
k taking special care as i'm shooting tennis players
c listening to Sade shen she used to sing in Slayer
s like, "the final COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAND!!"
k I play bass in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!
s we're in the Noun and so we hate the Kids
j and the Man and the church and the record biz
c growing bonsai trees out of Diesel Boy's butt
s chop up J Church and serve 'em as cold cuts
s overthrow the fuzz and pester the man
c Oscar the Grouch macking in a tuna can
k rolling like tank and we're flowing like a quatrain
c burning Schlong records and snorting lots of cocaine
c pooping in the sheets on Park Avenue
s let Phil Collins clean up my residue
s smellin' Boris Yeltsin and suckin on Skittles
k chomping on your ass like your pup and Tender Vittles
to comment click here.
14. MAO-MIX
bounding round the tundra like a hyper mongolian
knocking down fools like they was bowling pins
eating mao mix with a hungry ho chi minh
I get paid in lire, yen and semolians
got an enema it was full of plutonium
my ass is glowing --- don't know if I can hold it in
gave a sex change to napoleon
he's got his hands down his pants ---he's feeling his fallopians
carved a breakdancing klingon out of cubic zirchonium
I am the king of glutemates, there is none higher, call me monosodium
pigging out with the Kaiser, hes a roly poly Hun
we're bugging our waiter, 'is our cannoli done?'
with a fezzless head im an undercover Anatolian
like I said in 91 ---------I'm doper than opium
disfigure a VJ with flaming petrolium
make him snort agent orange, a toxic defoliant
Abnormal Growth live at the Hammersmith Odeon
they said I cohabit with the Unholy One
crazy wack beats I keep on composing em
this one's in a mode called Aeolian
masturbating Ewoks spurt on the Linoleum
they all got herpes from a dirty old Obi Wan
I bet my rostrum could beat up your podium
got an Abe Lincoln costume from Tom Jamgocian!
to comment click here.
15. SIT ON THE BED AND PLAY WITH ED ASNER
I got the horrid rhymes, but mine's are worse
I got the horrid rhymes, but mine's are worse
I got the horrid hymes, but mine's are worse
than a quadraplegic mime's; we're verbally cursed
my verse is badder than Marcell Marceau
doing charades when he's just a torso
badder than a peep show for the blind?
more so!
it's a malajusted rhyme
booger, burger, bergen, burzum, ahhhhhhhhhhh!
bannannaramma, mamma-jamma, slam-a tuna raw
wash the Winnebago with the blood of King Diamond
who lost his soul to Satan over a rigged game of Simon
I spooged out the image of Christ on the sidewalk
now he's stuck to the bottoms of my Converse high-tops
pick the pieces of feces off Phyllis Diller's face
as she vows vengeance on an incontenent Ace of Bass
eat that turnip or I'll sell you to the Czar
legal name is Blackbeard, but my friends just call me "Arrrrrrr!"
fillet my penis and serve it to Prince
this is by far the worst of Heloise's hints
I got the horrid rhymes, but mine's are worse
I got the horrid rhymes, but mine's are worse
I got the horrid hymes, but mine's are worse
than a quadraplegic mime's; we're verbally cursed
Brachiating Belgians high on dope:
got burned cus they smoked and swang on the same hemp rope
parading 'round the airport in nothing but felt
a) cus I hijacked a blanket from Linus van Pelt
b) "Anything to declare?" just a Daryl Hannah pelt
Kick the Anatolian while he is hunkering
With a crazy kung fu move like Dolph Lungren
Choke the chiuawa with that bratwurst on rye
and use its little skull as a ball in Jai Alai
scream "Oh shit!" when we tackle Unitarians,
pour battery acid on the lousy librarians
I'm picking up the pieces of the disemboweled clown
put 'em in me haggis and wolf it on down
Bob Ross starts burning churches in Norway
to publicize his 'wet-on-wet' corpse paints in the hardcore way
broke all the crayolas in Jesse Jackson's set
cus he said 'Hymietown' and claimed it was just tourette's
I got the horrid rhymes, but mine's are worse
I got the horrid rhymes, but mine's are worse
I got the horrid hymes, but mine's are worse
than a quadraplegic mime's; we're verbally cursed
blonde bombshells being shot through the cannon
they felt really guilty, after reading too much Fanon
scrape up the remains and serve em with some Dannons
a yogurty flavor with chunks of John Fogerty
he's a sinister rocker with Stevie Nicks in his locker
reanimates her using parts from Betty Crocker
going down to Cabo to sell Hagar some acid
him and Lucky Eddie fry so hard they capsize in Lake Placid
sit on the bed and play with Ed Asner
bow down beofre him and start shouting "MASTER! MASTER!!"
16. BLOT II
to comment click here.
- felt pelter
- Paul Gaugin
- chancre, chancre
- cough it up
- country-techno
- d*fase
- i know from sediment
- misanthrope pope
- plus-nine bib
- rhombus' rule!
- anemone
- water the fern, Mike!
- belinda carlisle: gangsta
- Cap'n Kaiser
- O'Houlihann time
- cornucopia
- dolodyke (sic)
- evill confectioner
- funky fjords
- on-screen freestyle
- hessian rap
- man on the silver mountain
- shit list
- vagina dentata
(sung to the tune of the verse of 'bang your head')
Tree creeper, bee keeper
Collecting core samples in my undersea beaker
Knee pleaser, e-teaser
Keeping dead muppets in my deep freezer
Flea flicker, pee licker
Out on the docks cruising for some free sphinctcer
Plank yanker, Frank spanker
Shining Kleig lights into my dank chancre
Vest tester, chest nester
Hijack a bus and take it to a Best Western
Belt melter, felt pelter
Throw in boiling water to watch the smelt swelter
Knight Rider, mite biter
Taking out Jedi knights in my new tie fighter
to comment click here.
I whip fools just like licorice when i get sick with this,
generic rappers are so ubiquitous
that means they're a dime a dozen just like dot-coms
you're so wack i gotta rampage like a polack
on some anti-semetic pogroms ....
by Mithra, by Crom!
i'm getting more wenches than Conan
while you're sitting at home committing sins of Onan
watching X-raided "murder she wrote" programs
(angela lansbury, now you got your hands dirty)
i put my foot in your ass so far you're coughing up my toe jam
leaving an impression sorta like Paul Gauguin
to comment click here.
CHANCRE, CHANCRE
(this is the result of me listening to Tori Amos' "Baker, Baker"
but being unable to decipher the lyrics. For maximum results, play the song
as you read this.)
Chancre, chancre: burning my face.
Ming me a die. King Leopold's ahead.
Gland, Your Honor: chivalrous fly.
Boots simmer soon behind.
Molest you split peas. Prawns in a lake.
Xanadu poultry: my Ghengis Fonzie, yeah!
When she elbows Tiny Tim away,
My Oldsmobile's a fiend.
Hef.....ner
Moose, bewildered.
Hef...ner
Moose, bewildered.
Heeeeeeef
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeef!
Chancre, Chancre: wallow in pain
Julio's heart. Glazed ass of icing.
Howl at a plumber, cus mimes can't paste.
Maybe krill can swim in brine.
I know you're vain for your next brain.
You cagey manticore with domino stomach.
I'll rub some skin and call Willie Mays.
Cannibal Listerine time!
Tongue...Klaus
Barbie's foolish
Tongue... Klaus
Barbie's dung for
Fuunnn
Maybe Allah's tongue.
Chancre, chancre: burning my face.
Ming me a die. King Leopold's ahead.
Donna Summer, sniff this cocaine!
Sniff this pee-pee chalet!
to comment click here.
You were born
A camel's hump
In a house next to a
Toxic waste dump
You're a freak; a limbless whore
You can't speak; your mouth's a sore
(you live inside a boiler in the basement)
Slide your glans through the holes in my hands
I feel like Christ on Thalidomide
But you don't cum sperm
You cum tapeworms
I watch 'em squirm down on the floor
You cum pus when I fuck your sores
And I cut off your mouth
And I stick it up my snatch
And Im'a catch, yes Im'a catch
Your ghonnorrhea, clap, VD
I snort that fetus in your phlegm
I give birth out my foreskin:
To a Mongoloid with a camel's hump
Cus your twat is a toxic waste dump
And you won't cough it up
Coughing up embryos
Like they was phlegm
Dribble down your chin
Out of my twat
I got a bad cough
From sucking your eyeball off!
Cough it up
to comment click here.
(cowritten with John Crowhurst)
The Old Man, screaming "Hocus Pocus!"
Rode a giant hippo, listening to Krokus
He hog ties a Bozon at the Quantum Rodeo
With no clothes on, Rikki Lake's a grody 'ho
I hiked Mt. Taylor with a squirrel in my pocket
I squished Danny Kaye; put him in my pocket
I'll pull him out later along with Ralph Nader
Whose foreskin prevents him from going to Seder
We scream "Par Four!!" at the grey-haired gentlemen
And kick their ass with Yehudi Menhuin
Maybe we'll torchure them with a Theremin
Or feed them to a very hungry Gentle Ben
The aggressive Aquarians battle Andre Aggassi
Algerian aquariums embark upon an oddessey
Across the Agean, they're a a-screamin' and a-peein'
Agamemnon is an Agnostic heathen
The stout motherfucker wears a breast plate from Tiffany's
Plumb out of Nutter Butter cookies, singin' great symphonies
Moses doing drive-bys on Mt. Saini
If you're wearing tie-dye you get shot like Mai Lai
Drinking all the mai-tais cus Moses is a lush
Roasting marshmallows on the Burning Bush
We're out in Tuscanny, balling all the sheep
And if they break a leg, we'll have to put 'em to sleep
Cut 'em up in lamb chops served to Meryl Streep
And she cranks up the Urian Heep
Her gown of rammie gives me Oedipal urges
I won a "Bammy" for my Stalinist purges
I dance the fandango as the music surges
But I lost my Kangol so I sing sad dirge
I store a sawed-off girraffe in my gazebo
I cornered Don Knots and made him swear it was neato
He's cooler than Guido but not as cool as a kumquat
Got a Volvo-sized freckle; I should of used sun block....
to comment click here.
The logey that I spit is a fit epitaph
For the leave you're taking as you're breathing your last
Breath of the death, the death that you're dying
Every time you said you were cool, you were lying
I approach my Zenith at the moment of your doom
Busting a gut as you zoom into your tomb
My mallet of love puts you through your last wicket
Here's a rusty old bucket: go ahead and kick it
If you were Alpo, Lorene Greene wouldn't lick it
I went to your funeral: out front, scalping tickets
I hope you die
I couldn't care less
I hope you die
Take me with you
I don't mean no harm, but you'll buy the farm
Then I'll steal the oats right out of your barn
Studies have shown an extensive correlation
Twixt my glee and your decapitation
Your death is on prime time not syndication
I'll tape the reruns of your annihilation
And press pause!
I would gladly build a pillar if you'd promise to plummet
Slice the brakes from your car if you'd promise you would gun it
The seconds you live are the ones I resent
I'm a grape of wrath, Baby: watch me ferment!
A mortician
In position
To be assisting
Your decomposition
Your body's rottin'
Wormies start growing
Filch 'em from your coffin
That's when I'm goin'
Fishin!
You're dust
You're toast
You're history at most
Your soul
Will roast
And then, you know, I'll hate your ghost!
to comment click here.
Believe me, I know!
I've been around the block
. I put two and two together...
I'm a world renowned geological authority and I know from sediment
Not too grainy, not too fine.
When you've got sediment, you've got a good time.
Belay all notions that it's just erosion
In a stream or an ocean. Are you out of your mind?
I may not know a lot about a brick or a rock
But let it get broke down and I'll go to town.
Rubble is trouble and rocks are for jocks.
Sediment on the double! Hanging round in a mound.
Many a hack and quite a few quacks talk about silt without all the facts.
With infinite patience I've made my acquaintance with all sorts of silt 'cus
I've got the knacks.
So if you want to believe and not get deceived, a sedimentary query you'll
bring to me.
If you give me a dollar, I'll be your smart scholar and answer as quick as
can be.
As quick as can be!
And those who'd laugh, have now earned my wrath.
Making mock of my studious ways when they'd say:
"There goes Old Silty" they might as well of killed me
but now I'm hella famous and I'll make them all pay.
I!
Know!
From sediment!
to comment click here.
Standing there, you stupid dolt
If brains were nuts, you'd have much bolts
I'm the Misanthrope Pope, and you're just a friar
Disassemble your brain with wrenches and pliers
And if I ate yours, I wouldn't need a bib
In other words, I don't like the cut of your jib
Expressing my contempt with rhythm and meter
Sticking up your dick like a Bandit Catheter
What you did to your mama really disgusts me
Your gall is appalling and that's no calumny
My life is like an obituary:
My friends all die cus I'm so scary
I'm in back of the limo; you're in back of the hearse
I'm getting higgledy-piggledy with every verse
Your mini-truck is a mobile tomb,
Cus I only like "the caws, the caws that go KABOOOM!!"
I am the Misanthrope Pope
No mercy and no hope
I'm a misanthrope; no joke
I can't cope with dopes
See, I'm an ornery foo' when it comes to rhyming
If rapping were makeup, I'd be King Diamond
Like Plato: sagacious Like Popeye: impatient
I rocks the 'Jurassic' and the 'Late Cretaxcious'
Your whole shit is so opprobrious
Flaws on your tip are copious
Killing immigrants in your Day-Glo shorts
You are the embryo I live to abort
I trod on your facade and reviled your style
Go to Morons Anonymous, cus you're in denial
Meter maids don't get paid, cus I'm ruder
Roll up on your scooter, catch a slug from a Six-Shooter
Hey, Clinton: Push the button
Homo Sapiens aren't good for nothing
Always rutting to make more fucked up babies:
Like John Wayne Gacy raping Dick Tracy
I am the Misanthrope Pope
No mercy and no hope
I'm a misanthrope; no joke
I can't cope with dopes
to comment click here.
Radiant epiglottis scampering on my bib and
Peevishly defecating under my crib
Distended parabola writhing in chagrin
Quadralateral titters like a palsied Jacobin
Swishing Lombrosian calipers orbit your philtrum, and
Daintily regurgitate petulant elves
Translucent hemoglobin sheepishly caterwauls and
Priouettes, traversing the bib of my overalls
Supperating phalanxes of emboldened sores
Aptly reconnoiter betwixt the nematode pores
Swishing Lombrosian calipers orbit your philtrum, and
Daintily regurgitate petulant elves!
to comment click here.
(Another Phil Collins Naked tune, co-written by David Katz)
Rhombus' rule: A=BH
Rhombus' rule like King Henry the Eighth
Ellipses suck, parallelograms too
Don't even think about trapezoids
Cus rhombus' rule
You think it's a trapezoid just cus it's got four sides
But congruency is paramount so ram it up your snout
Rhombus' kick ass:
King of the quads
How long can you last
You parallelogram clods?
I say that they rule, it's geometry
You 'minus' well repent, cus it's proved mathematically
Acute angles and obtuse as well
So the area's half the product of the 'diag-o-nels'
Rhombus' shred, I elucidate
It's in the theorem, I'll brook no debate
It's got sharp sides: a preternatural plane
Ramming the parabolas so it causes them pain
It's not just any plane
It's not just any plane
It's not just any plane
I'll say it again
Rhombus' reign over the Second Dimension
And they have no Anal Retention
(Anal Retention in the Second Dimension!)
Parabolic curves don't deserve a mention
God damn that rhombus is a 'fine' invention!
Get one today cus rhombus' rule
Carve it on the desk at your junior high school
Cross out Def Leppard, Night Ranger and Queen
Write the scripture that's holy
Cross out the obscene
If it's got power like to kill and bomb us...
George Bush's head is a rhombus
Geraldo's dick is a rhombus
Yassir Arafat's nipple is a rhombus
There you go, wouldn't you be pompous
If one day, you could say, you had a rhombus?
Rhombus' rule, like it or not
They're the best polygons that we've got
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Go! Fight! Win!
Rah, rah, rhombus!
It'll melt your skin
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Kick your shin
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Do you in
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Go! Fight! Bisect!
Rah, rah, rhombus!
You're so erect
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Go! Fight! Formulate!
Boo! Hiss! Ellipse!
Go far, far away
From the rhombus and close to Doris Day
You laugh cus a rhombus ain't got no head
But a well placed rhombus could knock you dead
Rhombus to the knee, rhombus to the groin
More than annoyin': positively destroyin'
Rhombus to the kidney, rhombus to the eye
Rhombus' are neat when I watch you die
Remember forever, that you heard it here first You know the equation so forget
all the worst
C'mon everybody sing it one time
Grab your partner and do the Funky Rhombus!
to comment click here.
Well
Give me a nice sea anemone
A friendly little critter that'll never be my enemy
Lots a little tentacles and a mouth
When it wants to vomit, it turns itself out
Through an orifice like a cloaca
But watch your step or it'll attack ya
Jack ya just like plankton-- ouch!
Your feet swell up and you walk in a crouch
And all your homies start busting up
"Looks like an anemone fucked you up!"
The shame alone would be enough to bury ya
Trapped in a worst case scenario
You move to Ontario but you get diptheri-o
And every night you rue the day you were impolite
Cus if you treat an anemone right
You got a friend for life!
So
Give me a phat sea anemone
Or better yet, why don't you give me many of em
Plenty of em, like four or fifteen
Or even more (know what I mean?)
Cus the more is the merrier
When it comes to anemones there isn't nothing scarier
Than being (gasp!) anemone-less
This profound thought is too horrid to express
So
Give me a swell see anemone
All warm and cuddly so's I can keep it company
And love more than life itself
Shacking up down on the continental shelf
I cant go on, I'm getting choked up
Rapping about anemones, and stuff
So
Give me a keen sea anemone
Big and viscous with all the amenities
Like a big old head-foot for sticking it
To the ocean floor: just cold kicking it
Motionless, they're the quintessence of serenity
I can't tell you how much that they meant to me
We go together like drinks and Teddy Kennedy
Get yourself a sea anemone.............
It's like the new school of the tide pool
It's like the new school of the tide pool
It's like the new school of the tide pool
It's like the new school of the tide pool
to comment click here.
(cowritten with John Crowhurst)
Sitting on an isthmus, sipping on Tang
Hangin' with my homeboys, workin' on my slang
We all join hands and commence to hunker
And beat up Dolly Parton and escape in our clunker
Drive to the bunker and slide down the banister
We all take off our panties and put 'em in the canister
Lock it in the vault and don our custom boxers
And go to the kitchen were Yan can cook in the wok, sir
He said, "No, forget it; I'm far too lanky
So pull down my pants and really start to spank me!
My bare derriere protrudes like a bluff
And if you criticize my hiney I'll get really gruff"
So we mock it and sock it and give it to a glacier
Can we put on our bras and run out the house? Ok, Sir
Standing in formation, blocking the turnpike
We start jacking off, yelling "Water the fern, Mike!"
But our onanism fails to persuade him
So we start to masturbate him
Then Menachim Begin hands down the ultimatim:
"Water that fern or we'll call our pal Satan!"
With his fork he'll stab and with his spoon he'll gouge
He's really quite a mean guy, for this we'll vouch
If the fern starts wilting you'll be at the Hell Hilton
Mike says "Looks worse than what I read in Milton!"
The fern would start growing with the help of your jizz
Such a thing would not be printed in "Ms."
So we planted the fern outside of Rhonert Park
Planted its every Boson and Quark
Spewed all our cum thinking of Desmond Tutu
Mike's thinking of John Sununu in a see through muu-muu
The fern starts growing; it's a real monstrosity
Sprouts a big head, looking mighty "Farrah Fawcetty"
to comment click here.
Everybody get on your feet!
I know you can dance to the beat
With gangsta rhymes I'm replete
When it's time for payback I don't sleep
I don't creep; AK's bring heat
Saying "I love my people! Pull!!" and I shoot 'em like skeet
You smell the reek of shit creek cus I did you like Laura Palmer on Twin Peaks
I never retreats cus defeat's ignominious
A bigger Freak than Phineas
With beats fatter than Freddy's
The Don Gadda rocks steadily
Through all geological strata:
Igneous, metamorphic and sedimentary
I'm mentally sick:
Take out innocent bystanders and hit G's accidentaly
Now the CHP got an APB to hit me the BC ASAP
And maybe you think you're the OG
But I'm the O-G-O-G-O: Original Gogo
Fucking with whom is a nono:
More loco than Dahmer 2.0!
It's the psycho new-wave Arnold Palmer
Giving you a hole-in-one in your noggin
"I'm allright" like Kenny Loggins
So don't fuck around: you're going down like tobaggons
I'm cloggin veins
Of lame brains with my fat beats,
So be wary of catching a coronary like Jerry
Garcia, but I wouldn't wanta be ya
Angiolplasty's a good idea if you can't take the bellicose audio cellulose
The most glutinous:
If mikes were macs, I'd be shooting this
High calorie syntax
In fact, I'll jack your salary
Fuck leaving a survivor; I'm neither Mickey nor Mallory
Knox, but I knocks your blocks off when I busts shots
It's the modern day Countess Bathory, so don't even battle me
Instead you surrender
To Belinda
The winnah
Black belt, Slay-tannic sinner
Selling PCP to the governor, and pimping the wrinkled ass of the Senator
Competitors forbidden:
I'm whittling competition like an Appalachian
My aspiration is ro run economies of entire Latin American Nations
The dope fiend controller: I'm such a high roller...
I put the cocaine back in Coca-Cola
Taking candy from a baby and then jack his stroller
Who's got more strikes than an alley full of pro bowlers?
Carlyle, with the gangsta style!
Arrested for possession of the baddest surgical apparatus
For vivisection of bed-ridden seniors that's convalescing
No stressing, I'm flexing
H-bomb up my nose to blow this joint like nasal congestion!
Next stop: a chop shop to jack me a hum-vee
It takes a giga-watt taser to stun me: the punker Ted Bundy
I'm crusty, with more patches than Peter Elsea
Drive down to Stanford and go down on Chelsea
The Clinton that I'm pimping
For a quarter, you too can do the President's daughter:
Untouchable cus I got the lost files from Whitewater!
Today's gangstas is all fakers:
I'm such a drug pusher, my nickname is Bush, fuck 'Escobar' and 'Noriega'
It's the new waver, hurling cabers at punk-ass ravers
Not for the squeamish when I get fiendish like Darth Vader,
Fly my Death Star to the moon and shank Chuck Yeager with my light saber
Wet your Mama like a sauna: you couldn't save her
Cus I got the ill flavor like a mouthfull of Belladonna
With more drama than Carmina Burana
Onamonapoetic act when I 'smack!' carnivores fressing fauna:
I got gorillas, goombahs and goodfellas to wack bitches wearing chinchillas
Foe-foes blow holes in your mink stoles as you exit your Rolls
Poh-pohs calls me a looney-tune, trappers know me as Dr. Doom
Fur and meat: I eschew 'em
Best MC? I'm a shoo-in!
Leaving rascals in ruins like Mt. Vesuvius
Who's pumping red-hot lava in your gluteus?
Belinda!
Burning suckers to cinders-- glowing embers are doused by my volcanic, somatic
lyrics
Somatic meaning 'physical effects' but I inflicts conflicts when I corrects
derelicts:
First you're concave now you're convex cus I took a crowbar and wrecks
Yur proboscis: Cartilage losses
Left looking leporous so go join a colony
Get drunk; wake up and Ozzy's balling me
But he quit cus my slit smelled like Walleye;
Cunannan's a fall guy and I shot Versache
Like Potsie I has a Happy Days when I slays a fashion Nazi
An outlaw like Bonnie and fuck Clyde cus it's the buck wile
Honky whose hair is never shoddy: with styling gel and more Depp then Johnny
Getting naughty not nice, so fuck Santa
It's the G you can't handle
I'm so bad I make Tony Montana look like Tony Orlando:
"Tie a yellow ribbon round the Old OG
The Old OG
The Old OG
Stupid motherfuckers want to fuck with me:
You're trying to sell a gram but I'm moving fifteen keys...."
to comment click here.
The ole sea dog that they call Cap'n Kaiser
Lubber despiser and about to capsize your
Galley when I sally forth
Taking no shorts and I haul your booty back to
Port: Boom, boom, I got bullion
And I got dubloons, making cabin boys swoon and
Leaving maroons marooned
So what's up, Skipper? You think Kaiser is a tripper?
Well' I'ma board your schooner then I'll burst you like a blister
Cus a pirate like me has a hazarous occupation:
More Black Spots than 101 Dalmatians!
Taking your loot and give ya the boot
Just call me "Cap" cus you know I'm the kook
With the poop deck that you just can't scuttle
I'll immolate ya just like the space shuttle
Challenger; I'm chillin' ya
Put you on ice just like John Dillinger
Your head encased in lard is my calling card
you get scarred when I spar with my nefarious sarRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-
Dine by my side; beaming with pride
Much maligned by the kind that I dump in the brine
Cus I'm a mighty malcontent mariner
Connie Chung jumped ship cus I was scarin' her
In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue
Now it's 1992, and I rocked your world
And now it's askew!!
to comment click here.
Here's how it goes when I make the scene:
Like Mr. Coffee, I'll boil your bean.
Chop off your ween and leave you with a 'ham stub.'
I was a charter member of the 'Brandy Grainger Fan Club.'
Hence, I'm rolling. Controlling the mix.
Whilst dropping beats like they were pick up sticks.
So let me add urgency to the insurgency, by
Purging all the punk who be asking me for clemency.
Cus the answer is negative. Executions are
Consecutive, so don't even beg to live.
So stewed up, you could be in a trance.
Take and Ex-Lax and wipe your brain from the seat of your pants.
Capping on you like you were the defendant.
And I'm always protected by the First Amendment.
I put the 'disco' back in 'discourse.'
Not forced nor a source of last recourse, but an
Obvious ploy by the inscrutable Goy:
Carol!
Doing the Hula but I don't eat
Poi, or Mayo or even kelp.
If you were drowning in phlegm, I wouldn't even help.
I'm a lactating bitch, and you're my whelp.
But don't try to suckle, or you'll catch a knuckle.
The jam is flowing and growing like some wheat germ.
For those that contradict: from a dick you can eat sperm.
The time of the rhyme is clockwork.
In the funky Sears, I'm the manager and you're the stock clerk.
Malingerer! you're such a dead beat.
In a race with a corpse, you're still locked in a dead heat.
So let me repeat the dis that I reiterate:
A plethora of peons, they come on, but I incinerate.
Cus I drop hyperbole, with absurdity.
Still, you say that you never heard'a me?
Call me Carol. Can you take the terminology?
I get so ill, I should patent my pathology.
When the chips are down, I cold lamp with equanimity.
Such is the tendency of my proclivity
To get maleficent. Cus I'm a malcontent:
C-A-R-O-L, the rap deviant.
Going point blank to expurgate
Suckers who perpetrate like I'm not a potentate of rhyme.
Hammer? No. O'Houlihan time.
Don't try to stop me rapping cus I'm getting profuse.
Don't try to stop me capping cus it's no use: I don't give a
Whit, a smidgen nor an iota. Cus I'm Carol:
The epileptic Ayatollah!
Giving you the non-stop rhythm attack.
On the mic, compared to me, you're aphasiac.
Talk? Rap? Not! You've been disabled,
Cus when I inveigle, you get finagled.
Up past my bedtime, I get cantankerous.
My mouth is like a sore; when I rap it gets kankerous.
You can call me a honky-assed bitch or a ho, but
Here's how it goes to those in the know:
They call me Carol.
to comment click here.
I'm
Back in Vogue like Sofia Coppola
With a fist full of fruit like a funky cornucopia
Pardon me sir, sahib, effendi
I'm in sync like SMPTE, and you're just a bum
I got a horn of plenty and you got a horn of some
You're withered like a prune but I'm fat like a plum
Come running, jogging, hopping (not walking)
Just to hear me talking over the beat that I'm rocking with a
Half note, quarter note, eighth note, grace
From a hemi-demi-semiquaver to the fat bass
Mental case, analyst took one look at my face and said
"Bugged out ego to the ego to the id;
The kid gets vicious like a vermicious Knid"
Just like Willy Wonka, I'll stomp ya; I'll bonk ya
Got a Naked Lunch but I'm not Kid Congo
Buck, buck like a bronco but I won't be reigned in
I Get down with Don Ho so you know I'm not complaining
When I steal the show you consider me a threat
Cus my rhymes grow like a Chia Pet
Sprout like a trout that you thought you caught in a net
But lost a big bet when I jet; now you're soaking wet
And I don't flounder; I swim down yonder
Gotta dry your togs so you launder
Ponder the fate of the California Condor:
Extinct (Kaput in Deutche sprache)
Du, du, kaput mich mache!
Now all the illiterates they think I'm talking gibberish
But when I get paid I get paid with vigorish
Go downtown and I buy the fat licorice
Eating all the sweets and I floss cus I'm savvy
Like my main mongoose Rikki Tikki Tavi
Footloose; maybe I do got a screw loose
Just like Howard Hughes, the inventor of the Spruce Goose
Millionaire extrordinaire but he was a tripper
Like Thurston Howl and motherfuck the Skipper
Won one for the Gipper like Knute
One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock Rockne
You can't four o'clock, five o'clock, six o'clock stop me
Like a Great Auk or Johann Bach
Your mama raised you wrong, didn't read Doctor Spock, see
I'm fast like Locheed so why you wanna mock me
Negate or nix me... I flow like Ferrigno not Bill Bixby
Born in the Sixties, I never ate chickpeas
All you bandwagon jumping, "Alternative rock," Lolapaloozer, MTV
simple Simons can suck my dick cheese
Honky please
to comment click here.
Can I rock a wool sock in a big Birkenstock?
Never ever ever ever sucking cock, just clipping it
Chop it, drop it, I'm ripping shit
Like Lorena Bobbit,
Plus I'm butch like Xena
More groupies than Martina
I don't need a
Dildo cus I'm hung with a hyena clit
Burning your tongue like a jalpeno dip
I got it; I flaunt it; I'm going bottomless at Michigan
You're never caling me a bitch again; I don't think so
Check my lingo:
Rearrange your face, now you look like Ringo Starr
Go golf with Dinah Shore and I'm under par
Put granola down my gullet
'97 and I still have the mullet; daring you to pull it
Fuck Billy Ray Cyrus cus I was the O.G.
And he's just a wanna-be new jack mullet-haver
Soon to be cadaver
Cus like Bo I'm a 10 without the cornrows,
Still shoot you down like I was Aileen Wournos
Ow! I'm sweeter than the matzoh at a Passover seder
Castarate a breeder with an eggbeater
Yes, yes, y'all I'm a bad mama jamma
Cobain stole my flannel so I said 'Fuck Nirvana'
"Sisterhood is powerful" is my mantra
So I borrowed your sister to practice my tantra
With more fruits on my face than Carmen Miranda
Rhymes like these are seldom printed in Granta
To all you patriarchal pricks, you can't rule me
To all you psychologists, you can't even fool me
Say I want a woody, say I need a woody, say I crave the woody
But I'd rather have his stepdaughter Soon-Yi
Cus I'm the biggest pagan on the continent
I went to Salem and burned me a motherfuckin' Protestant
I got more rhymes than Adrienne Rich, and
"Don't Burn the Witch" like Venom says
Plus I'm giving Popes life-size crucifix enemas
For sayin' I'm a sinner just cus I got a uterus
While he's raping a choir boy, I consider that ludicrous
He hates women, he hates women
Kick his nads so hard, he's coughing up jism
Kill a punk rapist, still don't give a fuck about a pro-life Papist
The latest born-again sadist accosting me
Quoting from the Book of Deuteronomy
Saying I'll burn for sodomy
Just cus I put the 'dyke' in 'dychotomy'
You wanna throttle me and gimme a lobotomy
Check and see, your policies are full of shit like colostomy
Bags, you nags need to back up offa me
Or I might just jump ya like a wallaby
You want the Bible, I'll give you Armageddon:
Grab a tire iron and beat your fucking head in
I don't give a fuck, I don't give a shit, so drop dead
Eat the hot lead, I'm coming hotter than Hothead
Paisan, till the break of dawn, kicking your ass hither and thither and yon
And get off Scott free just like Bon
From AC/DC
You make me queasy
Cus you're trying to fondle the Amazon
Pre-menstrual and madder than the Wrath of Khan
Play your skull like Eddie Van Halen when I hammer on
So call me Sister Sledge when I hurt you
When it comes to virtue, I'm a paragon:
Fuck up the patriarchy and blow up the Pentagon!
Fuck Farrakhan and the Million Man March:
I got a Billion Bitch Brigade, and Mama Weer All Krazee Now like Slayde
Frat boys get spayed with the blade of my labrys
Cus I'm the maddest, punk, I'm the baddest
Take back the Knight just like Gladys
Fuck a Pip, I'm a trip, when I'm swinging my axe I just gotta rip some shit
Swinging like Muffin on a good-for-nothin'
Giving you a hole in one, Son
A hole in your crotch: You're welcome
So now you're bleeding because of the axe I had
I yell 'Think fast!" and toss you a Maxi-Pad
You can use like a Kotex, I get mo' sex than the Wimbledton locker room
Like Gertrude Stein, I'll make your Cow jump over the moon
Never mind the spoon; I ran away with Joan Jett
You can bett I'm a freak:
Like a k.d. lang gang bang I get all you can eat
More seafood than a barracuda, go pearl diving and I don't have to scuba
I'm a top, I'm a dom, there is none stricter
I'm 5 on the Kinsey and 10 on the motherfucking Richter!
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Howdy!Doody!
I'm getting unruly!
So sue me,I'm dowdy.
D'ja know that about me?
Don't crowd me, kid,cus you're making me jumpy.
I dress real frumpy, like a septagenarian:
Breeding so many basses inside my aquarium.
Nary an hour passes without Marion Barry carryin'
A pipe to the Aryan slob. Yessiree Bob, that's me.
Buryin'Rival Mcs is my job:
Shish-kebab 'em,
And leave 'em in a coffin So Charon can ferry 'em.
Or slice 'em open like a Caesarian section.
I rig and election Like Nixon.
Mixin' it up is my predilection.
I'm jinxing the stupids. I get convoluted.
To heck with perfection, I circumlocute it.
Pollute it like Exxon, as I put the Fixx in
To the tape deck: 'Reach for the Beach.'
Select an opponent to teach by example.
I trample your rectum, ejecting a sample of stool: unwanted,
But still I'm undaunted.
I'm vexin'contenders with poisoned confections,
Baked to perfection with infected injections.
Concoctions? I got some !
Small pox toxins.
I'm outfoxin' any rapper that walks in.
Dioxin's a menace and so are wack Mcs
Who don't say 'please,' just sieze the mike.
I like your synthesyzer; it's so 'new waver.'
Your album was so faulty I had to call Ralph Nader.
Yeah, you got flavor: like milk that's lumpy, bro.
Now I know how you got that grumpy flow:
Your style is so old it's gone curdled
You're gonna fall off like Yertle the Turtle.
You passed your expiration date.
I sniff a whiff of your verse; the stench made me curse.
"Jesus Christ!!"
Your lyrics lack merit. Totally generic.
Inherit a gangsta line from '89 that you parrot.
I declare it: You share it with fifty
Copycat Mcs and now you want to hit me.
So don't be lienent, call me a sucker.
How convinient: it rhymes with 'motherfucker.'
Genius! Did you go to Rutgers? I think not.
My rhyme is calligraphy, yours is an ink-blot.
You sicken me: wack.
I want my money back.
You got a pocket full of talent, I got a gunny-sack.
He's all about fashion and trying to cash in.
A simple tongue-lashing will not suffice.
The price of a mic-snatchin' is a pathogenic thrashin',
Cus you're weaker than Annie Lennox!!
It's plain to see he's causing pain to me,
So I resort to chicainery.
I feign to be impressed by his feeble freestyling.
I confess I'm beguiling him. Piling in candy to his palm.
A tainted time bomb ticking as a token of my esteem.
Hoping you'll scream when you open
Wide.
Cyanide got you tongue-tied.
I supplied the treats that you're eating, beaten by my gumdrops.
They went off like gunshots.
Since I was a young tot I thought a lot about a fun plot I could hatch
With a batch of salmonella. Morphin' like Cinderella.
Not to a pumpkin, Jack, morphin' to a sac
Of pus in your guts, putz, plus you're goin' nuts
As spirochetes masticate your neurons like Wheaties.
You're in deep feces.
Salivate, lachrymate, urinate and defecate:
A SLUD reaction
Attackin' like a Scud
Or a spine from a thistle.
My lines all sizzle cus they're hot off the griddle.
My rhyme is devine; it's a funky epistle.
I'm tough like gristle on a trout. Don't doubt my clout.
I'll make you shout,"Who's that Kraut?"
I'm about five-ten and I'ma win
Any bout with a lout that I rout with a smack to the snout.
Knock him out and I smoke him like hickory.
Then make him pout as I tout my victory
Achieved through trickery: I poisoned your candy.
Can I quote a line from Mandy?
"I came and I gave without taking." So why's your skin flaking?
Cus I got the mentality to give you a malady.
Think you'll recover? That's a fallacy,
cus in reality I gave you the leprosy.
I'm sick like Stravinski not soft like Debussy.
And you can't stand it, so what's the commandment?
"Thou shalt not take candy from a baby,
Or from a canny MC who's crazy loc."
Can I poke a syringe in your dessert'til it hurts:
A microscopic lynchin.
I see you flinchin' but it's no lie.
Go die,
Cus in my needle was th E Boli virus.
You're the victim of a nihlist.
Send you to the underworld to kick it with Osiris!
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ALL ABOOOOAARRRD my fresh fjord
Deplored by Vikings
Hiking past
With a fast velocity
You oughta be scared too
Wearing a jacket of Nehru I stand
In the forbidden land
Headquarters of Dead Fjorders
Reanimated by the mystical arts
But I get physical with ballistical arcs as I spark
The flint of my blunderbuss I plunder cus you wonder what's
Up with the Zombie Sweede, swinging like Sam Sneed
Writing screeds, so read all about it
Rascals got routed when I sail down from my lattitude
With a criminal attitude
Data spewed
Out of my Newton
Shooting out bytes in a ASCII format
Rights I insist on cus I'm not a dormat
So cram these looney runes in your RAM or your hard disk
Cus I am the smartest
Viking ghost, crusty like toast or Skaven
No, I'm not bathin'
But unlike Fats, I am misbehaving
Fuck the big hats, I ain't raving,
Just singing a shanty
As I up the ante: I know you can't stand me
You're tainted clams and I'm shrimp scampi
A hermit, goldurn it
Your flag: I burn it
"Fuck off" is my motto
So learn it; I'm never sotto
Always creschendo; I'm breaking shit like kendo
You got carpal tunnel from playing Nintendo
But I'm playing Pong cus I'm a leisure Mennonite
Nice girls go home but skeezers spend the night
A necrophile style ho-trick
I get xenophobic and go kick
The rump of a Norwegian chump cus he faked the Slavic funk
I'm so white I never saw The Color Purple
And fuck a Black Metal Circle
Cus Grishnacht's only plyaing Jailhouse Rock in the lock up
With the cute long hair now he's knocked-up, taking cock up
Wanted to be the new Charles Manson, but now he can't seem to keep his pants
on
Just for that rhyme you can see I'm not an itty-bitty talent
I'm gallant like Conway Twitty, more pretty than Hello Kitty
And I rock harder than Nitty Gritty, Rap City or Scritti Politti
So go tell the Nobel comittee
I flow so well I get a prize:
Biggest verbal tumor to metastatize
From a Viking Ghost to the public
And most wanta rub sticks together
To immolate me, you hate me
Rate meX cus I endager you safety
Stately? Not even close, G
I'm mostly spaztic
My frenetic phonetic gymnastics, verbal calesthenics wax bonbastic
Stretch punks like elastic
Saying Danes is fantastic, but, yo, Kid, I was being sarcastic so check it
My toe up your anus is a henious ass-kick
I pick another trick to rap on, cap on
Hanging inverted from my clampons like Matthew Barney
Britons call me Barmy, Krauts call me the Kaiser
MC Burgermeister
Cus I run shit like Jim Fixx
Blasting hicks like Tom Mix, leave 'em bloated like ticks
Got a plaster cast of Tom Brokaw's dicks
Mugged Stevie Knicks just to get a quarter in order to play Qix!!
You ask "Why is he so sick?"
Could it be my birthmark, reading 666 ?
The Beast, and unlike Judas Priest, I'm unleashed in the Northeast
In the west, NWA said Fuck the Police
But I'd rather suck Ed Meese
Give piece a chance, I did for an instant, you missed it,
So now we're back to ballistics
With a "Boom, ping, ping" now you're a statistic!
Used to be a Mormon missionary, but I'm a hard core man and a visionary
So allow me to prognosticate my fate at a later date:
Heaven number 3 I didn't make it
Cus I walk in the Tabernacle butt nekkid
And my drawers is unholy like Vemon's cabinet
You're waving your Bible and I'm grabbing it
Stabbing it like a shower scene and then force feeding you caffiene
And Folgers: I'm the True Shit and Brigham is a poser
Am I am Mormon? No,sir, nor a Hindu
But I'll do you in, crews
Get knocked down like bowling pins
I'm kicking shins but you got no shin-guards
Plus you know I'm hard like schist
Went to communion and I gargled the Eucharist
Norse get dissed by my long-boat when I sail down and cut throats
Cus I'm the Viking striking you better-Erik-the-Red-than dead
Pointy-ass helmet on my head, and the giant beard
But don't be calling me a weirdo, cus I'm not R. Crumb
I'm the one
With the big bass drum beating like a tympanni
Kicking fannies
The dead Viking: a mutilated corpse with wormies growing
And I'm glowing cus I was too near Chernobyl so you know my shit is real
Medievil: Tuff like Beowulf when I swing my steel
So fuck Grendel, Holmes
I'm smarter than Oliver Wendell Holmes
Building stave Bucky Fuller Domes
My geodesic lingustics baffle even Noam
Chomsky, cus I'm the bomb, see
The funky funky Sweede with more beats than Bronski
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Slack-jawed you wack-frauds pause
as my words.... emerge
from your display-screen,
you may-scream, when i act-raw
with more rhymes than whales got baleen!
an MC cetacean, with more clout
retaliation, impossible as I short out
your whole cerebellum,
I'm Ready like Hellen to rewire your synapses
cus your mental OS
is the slowest
like molasses, your styles is dinosaur like J. Mascis!
Now I'm updating your whole system,
insemenating lyrical jism, replicating in your cortex,
you want my skills like more sex,
so upload my rap, the killer app is 'hardcore.exe'!
no compromises when i circumcises MC's
when i dis, it's like a bris,
cutting off your career like Nixon did Alger Hiss
with bizarre stories
that defy categories like a lyrical monotreme-
infecting yall with my memes, when you download this data stream,
my shit is so hot it melts your whole modem,
you weak MCs are saps like xylem and pholem,
now you're headed-for
a dictionary to decode my metaphors,
give me credit-for the scientifical oratory,
i'm the pundit, decrying your boring-stories
cus they're redundant,
you're on some CNTRL+C shit,
but i delete shit,
i'm the hata overwriting your data,
i conduct rap like Zubin Mehta!
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I'm so hesh
Unlike John Tesh
I'm Slayer stoopid, not funky fresh
Worship Satan, not Ganesh
Pray to Him for a real moustache
Party in Hell with David Koresh
Kill a virgin and eat her flesh
My fingerless gloves are made of mesh
Hate showtunes like 'Porgy and Bess'
Prejudiced like Rudolph Hess
Smoking cess and thinking less
Looking up Lita Ford's dress
Dio is good but Ozzy is best
Got wasted and flunked my test
I hate posers with vigor and zest
I have a Mullet, I must confess
Is my El Camino jacked up? Yes
Meth lab blew up, what a mess
Now I'm under house arrest
Paint AC/DC on my denim vest
Sucking Danzig's dick is my quest
Eat junkfood, not watercress
My love of metal I do profess
Fed from bottle not from breast
But I digress:
I'm so hesh!
Yessir, I'm a hessher
Uglier than Fran Dresher
Kicking your ass with pleasure....
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MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN (with apologies to Dio)
I'm the Man on the Silver Mountain
With lyrics flowing out like a fountain
I'm the freak, y'all
I'm on the peak y'all
And I can stay on the beat without counting
Wider than an Ozark, taller than the Andes
Rhymes keep flowing like the river Ganges
Do you like the flavor? Take a sip
Or make like a Hindu and just take a dip
I'm on the tip, on the apex and I break necks
Mountaineers live in fear of my artillery
Too steep to creep so fuck Edmund Hillary
Cus I'm the man on the Alp
If you battle me, kid, I might just take your scalp
Make you shout "God damn! He's the Man!"
You're shocked: you didn't think I had it in me
But I'm living larger than Mount McKinley
I ain't skinny; I'm bigger than Everest
Or Shasta, and I don't mean the beverage
You couldn't move me if you had leverage
I'm heavy. I take out a bevy of foes
I suppose that many of those
Claim that they're huge like the Sierra Nevada
But I got news for em: I'm much badder
So scatter before you get shattered, you li'l foothill
You got second hand rhymes just like Goodwill
So chill or you might catch an avalanche
On purpose, punk! (No, it's not happenstance)
Cus boulders fly everytime I start shouting:
I'm the man on the god damn Silver Mountain
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You're on my shit list, my consarn hit list
Disappear from here with a quickness
I'll interfere with your physical fitness
Like a slit wrist, now you look listless
That's what happens when you're on my shit list
Fuck your wish list, you're getting coal for Christmas
You can't get me on your Monkey Business,
Cus I'm not Gary Hart's mistress
Go take a long walk off a short isthmus!
Why you wanta treat me like a misfit?
Kid, that was witless, you can't get with this
You want to quit this before I rupture your shit like a
Slipped disk, cus you're on the shit list
The hit list… go to court and the case was dismissed
Why? Cus I never leave a witness!
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Rhymes I got a batch with a snatch to match
You dash up fast for a flash of the gash of the
Hussy with the big, fat pussy that will
Scratch quick, trick, now patch up your dick
I ain't an ordinary chick, G
And I don't got an ordinary s-l-i-t
Either, my beaver is so much scarier:
I got teeth in the Down There Area
I gotta vagina, vagina dentata, the way that I spay ya is
Serious, furious, you might get delerious
When I break you off something literal
Punk, that's what you get for fucking with the clitoral
B-r-o-a-d and you start calling me a ho
You say you wanna drive but I'm not a vechicle
So you wine and dine and start to talk about romance
But I know your mind is just on getting in my pants
Claiming you're well hung; you're trying to seduce
Dumb motherfucker stick your dick right in my noose
You're just a papoose and I'm a full grown squaw
I got the power to devour and that power's down by law
You're frightened of my craw; you're trying to withdrawv But my vagina's an
organ grinder
My molars gnash up, smash up, and do the Monster mash up
D-a-m-e dame with the g-a-m-e game
Showing no shame, making you tame, ripping and clipping the lame-brane
Harasser, you'll never be my master
Used to be much faster but now you're in reverse
Cus I'm the kind of bitch you wish was riding in a hearse
Sugar and spice, and everything nice
Tramp with a C-clamp, I'm gripping like a vice
I cut off Robert Bly's; I didin't think twice
It's a heist; a dingus theft; you're scared to death
My ginch is a motherfucking winch
Hauling you up, hauling you up inch by inch by inch
And then I pinch, I clinch, I bite into you
Ain't that a bitch, boy, I bit right through you
Mr. Mack got jacked for the tallywack
Cus the trap on my lap took care of that
Now how you gonna act? Wack, cus you're bleeding and stuff
Punk! I get that every month
Now, eenie meenie, miney, mo
Where'd your weenie go?
Used to be the pro till you got cut through below:
Now they all be calling YOU the ho!
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