PRANK ADS I'VE PLACED

(men seeking women)

handsome European professional man...let me sweep you off your feet!

Reply to: anon-8803694@craigslist.orgDate: Wed Feb 19 11:23:45 2003

I'm a 6'4", blonde/blue-eyed, athletic professional man (neurologist) living in the Berkeley hills. I've got a wonderful house, a fulfilling job, and exciting hobbies (extreme rafting/ dancing/ snowboarding). All I need now is the right woman to share it with. I'm drug-and-disease free, honest, caring, and only looking for an LTR (no players!). If you like wine-tastings, fine restaurants, romantic nights, and long vacations to Europe, I would love to meet you and sweep you off your feet! Call me old-fashioned, but I like to treat a lady with class and respect, and . . . oh, wait, my porn finished downloading. never mind. You're on your own.

(men seeking men)

HARD TOP LOOKING FOR HEAVY-DUTY HAND HOLDING

33, 5'11", hot clean Scottish top-man looking for str8 or latino hung bottom for hand-holding 2night- all 5 fingers and thumb in my hot hand. Left or right ok. send pic and contact #.

(women seeking men)

HONEY, WITH LOOKS LIKE THIS, I CAN AFFORD TO BE PICKY :)

I like to describe myself as classy, sophisticated, beautiful, petite, and of course 'hot'. So it's only natural that I would ask YOU to be all of those things too! I'm picky but I'm soooo amazing that you'll dare to try for me anyway. ;)

I'm sorry but I won't respond to anyone unless they send a picture.

Frankly, I won't respond even if you DO. :)

So what am I doing online, if I'm such a good catch? Well, maybe it's because I'm single, dateless, and enjoy boosting my poor self-esteem by inviting guys to write me so i can reject them by the hundreds! And make fun of their pictures! And tell my friends about it! :))

AAAAhhh, that hit the spot! ::)*

But on the other hand, maybe I'm NOT playing games. Maybe I'm really that gorgeous!! You can't tell, can you? I might be the only woman on here who is perfect for you. You'd better write anyway. . .

HA HA HA HA! ! ! Male attention was never easier to get, or easier to dismiss with the touch of a button. Feel duped?? Well, you should have thought of that before my ex-boyfriend dumped me and made a vengeful hag of me!!

p.s. ::)>*

(men seeking women again)
I'LL DATE ANYTHING WITH AN EPICANTHIC FOLD AND NOT-A-PENIS

You heard me right. I'll date anything with an epicanthic fold and not-a-penis. This includes - but is not limited to- wizened old Chinese-american grandmothers with 5 bags of groceries or barely-legal Korean math nerds with coke-bottle glasses, morbidly obese Japanese-american teamster gals with huge 18-wheel rigs, or anorexic Pinay thug girls with loaded gun and falling-off pants, super-assimilated Malay quadriplegics or Hmong FOB girls with a pack of goats following them around, South Asian Hijjra eunuchs with garlic breath, or heroin-addicted Thai post-op trans-sexual golf caddies. . . I honestly don't care who you are, I'll date you all!

Pixellated 2D anime girls or recently exhumed Burmese gals buried with their Gamelan gongs or steroid-addicted Pyongyang bodybuilding Marxist-Leninists or pregnant Siamese twins from Siam-write to me. . . I'm that big a fetishist!

Let's go out-I know this great Asian restaurant. . .!

 

 


comments? got your own online / dating pranks to share? BBS. go.


WHO WANTS A LONG WALK ON THE BEACH WITH A SARCASTIC ASSHOLE?
(A Squinty Look At The F4M Personals)


Like most people, I find personal ads to be first and foremost a source of comedy, secondly a goldmine of deviant anthropology, and (coming in a distant third) a search for Mr. or Ms sixpack/cleavage/rockstar/yacht club/horndog. But somehow my totally serious girl-hunt in no way diminishes my ability to laugh at others' loneliness. Especially if they spell 'your titties' as 'you're titties.'

There's no shortage of books/films/articles illustrating how inadequate men are when it comes to dating. From China (the film "Personals") to England (the book "My Thousand Americans") to practically any issue of Seventeen, unattached men are exposed as creepy, weak, or both. Even in the one film about personals-dating by a man ("20 Dates"), he depicts himself as a chronic loser. In contrast, men tend to portray women as either sexy nymphos, hideous manipulating traitors, or (frequently) both. But nowhere can one find women mocked for merely for being loveless and desperate, socially awkward or undesirable! Nowhere can one find single women kicked when they're down the way single guys are. For too long, men have unfairly ruled the position of 'loveless, creepy, awkward person doomed to a lifetime of humiliating, unsuccessful pursuit.' Like the positions of 'judge' or 'senator,' it was seen as something only guys were fit to do. Even though many female pioneers were successfully doing it just as well as the guys, their voices were silenced and invalidated by a male-dominated media. It's in a spirit of equality and feminism I decided to take matters into my own hands. Not having the tools to make my own wack-single-chick movie, I decided to hit up the internet personals, the hugest single pool of dysfunctional single women. It was here I was determined to take my stand.


The ads you will soon see aren't necessarily the most bitter or bizarre. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to pick on the sad, middle-aged women. I made a strict rule to only mock girls who I'd want to date. Why? Because it's much more of a prank if I'm totally wrecking my chances with my potential future wife, just for a joke! If the stakes weren't so high, I might as well just be making up a fake personals ad and printing a fake response to it. It's the reality that makes it funny. Or fucked up. Or whatever.


AFTERWORD: I kept track of all the messages I sent on "Yahoo.personals!" These messages were seven sarcastic ones (all reprinted here) and, as it happened, seven very sincere, friendly responses. Thinking that the equal amount of nice to mean emails allowed for easy comparison, I did a scientific analysis:

 

NICE: 14% response rate
SARCASTIC ASSHOLE: 72% response rate

And if that doesn't justify mocking single women, nothing will.

 


the mfw postings on craigslist seem pretty sad, so thought i'd post for myself...

looking for someone tall, with a good heart, reasonably attractive and
smart. white or asian, please. i am 5'7", asian, 26, snowboarder, fun.

the guys i get along with best seem to be shorter and funny, but unfortunately, i'm not attracted physically to them. the guys i'm attracted to are tall and hot and have 100 women after them, but alas, no mental connection. somebody help me solve this problem please

Dear Asian Snowboarder,


so basically your problem is that you're doomed to go through life rejecting all your friends and chasing after stereotypical male bimbos who don't care about you.

the solution is clear: since you'll never ever, ever find love, get hooked on heroin. heroin never rejects you, and you'll never reject it. unless it's cut with some rat poison. which it almost certainly is. but it's too late, you'll come back for more. stupid junkie.

LET'S DOUBLE-DATE TONIGHT!

Hi there!

We're two single (by choice), attractive, mature, personable, responsible,supportive, fun/funny, easy going, open minded (non-sexual), intelligent, educated, decent, sincere, loving, caring, compassionate, honest, trustworthy, respectful/respectable, independent ladies who wants to double date with you and your buddy tonight.

We get approached by guys quite often (like last night) but are unwilling to just "settle" for anybody. It's so easy to just be with anybody but being with the "right" person is tough. We have standards and are unwilling to settle for anything less. We have goals to achieve and dreams to live out,therefore, we seek out guys who are fun/funny, intelligent, confident, and ambitious with his career like ourselves. We're not specifically looking for a relationship, but should there be chemistry from our meeting, we won't rule out the idea completely either but we have no expectations whatsoever. However, if there's no chemistry, we're glad we made two new friends. We're funny and easy going. We're willing to give people a chance and we definitely don't judge a book by its cover.

Please be the ages between 27-40, 5'10" or above, and with a good, stable job. Also, we prefer Caucasians because we truly believe that opposites do attract. (Gentlemen only!!!)

We don't have a picture online because this is so sudden and it's the first time we've try this, but I can guarantee you that you won't be disappointed. Ask us anything. We have nothing to hide. Remember, we're single by choice, not because of anything else.

Thanks for reading!

 

"Ask us anything. We have nothing to hide."

OK, don't mind if I do.

so you're posting on craigslist-- home of all loser bitter guys-- to find guys that meet your standards, and your standards are so high that you can't meet any guys in real life? and you want to meet not one but two of these amazing guys in, what, the next 4 hours? so you can have a 'double date tonight!!!'?

so, uh. . .. my question is:

did you find 'em?

I'll expect a full report by tuesday morning.

sincerely,

Mr. I Have Too Much Time On My Hands

Dear Mr. Too Much Time:

That's why we're not out with losers like you. Now leave us alone and go find something better to do!!!!!!!!!

Your date went that well, huh?


Gothic Model - Tired of Rich loosers and Geeky Geeks -Santa Cruz-

Reply to: anon-2301332@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Dec 3 02:42:28 2001


I am a very intelligent, smart, sexy 24 years-young part Jewish Goth Girl. I'm recently out of a terrible relationshop with a complete ass hole 10 years my senior and I'm looking to get back into the "real-life" scene.

I model (mostly hard core punk and fetish), but also go to school full time. I live in the Santa Cruz area but will be moving to the city for the Spring Semester. I can't get enough of the Techno / Trance Scene and I'm ready to find someone that knows how to appreciate a woman that DOESN'T NEED A MAN - but wouldn't mind having one around if he knows how to behave himself and not fall in love on the first date.

I'm VERY 401 friendly and you should be, too!!!

I've the body that you probably dream of - and the personality to match. You should be confident and sure or yourself.

I dance (retired but going back to work) as an exotic dancer so you'll have to be able to be around a woman who likes to flirt - and NOT GET ENVIOUS!!!

Since my break-up, I've been out with every kind of guy from geeky-geeks who try to woo me with thier money, concerts, dining out and offers of trips to Vegas -- too owners of private companies who suck in bed or jellous freaks who have a ton of baggage.


Do you like a hard body with lost of curves? Short (real short!) Black hair? A hard build and a ravenous sexual appetite?

Pictures a plus - I'll respond in kind.

Dear 2301332,

I don't think I'm worthy of dating you, not because of your great beauty (after all, I've got 'lost of curves' myself) but because I can't keep up with your intellect. I guess the stereotype of the dumb exotic dancer is all wrong, because your personals ad just went over my head, leaving me feeling ignorant and disoriented. . .

You're "VERY 410 friendly"? What, like the 401k tax-free retirement account? Are you sure you're 24 and not 64?

And what's this about being a 'hard-core punk model?' Is that like when some crusty kid pays you $400 to wear his new line of grindcore patches? And you deposit the money in your 401k?

I'm not sure what a 'relationshop' is, but I'm sorry yours sucked.

But if you can overlook my slow mind, and have the patience to teach me how 'geeky geeks' are different from all those 'macho geeks' out there, I think you'll find we're compatible. After all, you want a guy who is 'confident and sure or yourself.' That's me! Plus, I can garuntee I won't 'fall in love on the first date' or ever.

Here's a picture of me and a giant fish. He told me he's also a hardcore model-- have you heard of him?

See you,

Steven


(no response. . . )

 

SPF in search of a decent SWM

Reply to: anon-2365057@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Dec 10 18:02:29 2001


Single professional female 24, 5'6 130lbs looking to meet a SWM (one that is tall 5'11 or above between the ages of 25-31), attracted to a man with dark features. This is no one night stand thing and men that post those dirty ad's need not to reply. And men that post in the women seeking men category shouldn't post on CL at all, they ruin it for the "normal" people that use CL. Anyhow I am looking for an hetrosexual open-minded individual that understands a woman and not too hung up on themselves. He has to be college educated, no excess baggage(drama), outgoing, adventurous, well traveled, and lives near the Bay Area. Someone that loves Sushi and Watching Baseball, good conversation..Only serious inquries need to apply please give a brief description of yourself(a pic. would be cool) and what you look for in a woman...:) Then we could go from there..Have a great day
-C

Dear 2365057,

You say you're "SWM (one that is tall 5'11 or above between the ages of 25-31), attracted to a man with dark features" That's me! I'm 6' 2", and 30 years old, and I'm attracted to Ricky Martin. Some people say that he's a has-been, but can't they look at the facts with an open mind? After all, Ricky got fired from Menudo, and he bounced right back like the star that he is. Face it, those people are nothing but jealous hatas. Just because he's soooo gorgeous and Latin, some people can't stand to see him get ahead, but still he's humble and thanks the Lord for what he's got. So what's the problem? Oh, sorry, I'm getting off topic. (I get really enthusiastic when I'm talking about Ricky :). Anyways, I think I'm the guy for you, especially if you don't like one night stands. . . when it comes to females, I don't do ANY stands ; ) But don't think I'm anti-woman. You also want a guy that 'understands a woman', that's me! I understand Judy, Liza, and to some extent Joan (both Collins and Jett). I understand the embarrassment of VPL, and the discomfort of a new pair of stiletto pumps. I'm also college-educated (MA Theatre Arts) and 'open-minded' . . . in fact, I'm soooo open-minded I'm willing to overlook your odd desires for heterosexuals and 'baseball.' So what do you say? Let's go find us some guys (but if we see Ricky, keep your HANDS OFF HIM, girl!)

Toodleoo,

Stevie,
(XOXOXORicky4evrXOXOXO)


(no response. . . )

 

smart, fun, cute SAF seeks date

Reply to: anon-2366858@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Dec 10 23:19:37 2001


I'm a petite SAF in my mid-20s but I've been told I look like an 18-year-old. I'm looking for a fun, good-looking, and smart guy who's interested in slightly more than casual dating. Who knows how far it'll go? Send me an email... I don't want to spend Christmas bored and alone!

I WAS REALLY STOKED TO READ YOUR AD. . .
Dear 2366858,

"I'm a petite SAF in my mid-20s but I've been told I look like an 18-year-old." I was really stoked to read your ad, because my current girlfriend just turned 20 and she's really, really over the hill. Wow, way to appeal to all the pedophiles out there! Is that your main accomplishment in life, looking 6 years younger than you are? Or are you some Vice Squad narc? Maybe you're my a prank posted by my hacker friend Ernst. Hi Ernst!! I like petite SAFs as much as the next pervert, but I prefer them to have some talents, accomplishments, or ambitions. Got any?

Sincerely,

Schultz


(no response. . . )

 

A JAPANESE ARTIST SEEKS A TALL CAUCASIAN.


-for a loving, committed relationship leading to marriage. i am a 36 years old artist, came from japan to SF two years before. i would like to find somebody who is sincere with simple tastes and can make warm and close relathioship together with me. i have been simply yearning after the warm love that will be made out of a good harmony of chemistry and similar sense of life.i would appreciate if you send me your picture, too. my looking? you won't be disappointed. i used to be a model when i was an university student. just for reference... thank you. have a great day!

Dear Japanese Artist,
I liked your ad on Craigslist very much, and sent you an email, maybe a month ago? You never wrote back, so I figured, "She's found a wonderful, handsome, kind man!" But since then, you've re-posted your ad on Craigslist. Several times. And also posted it on Yahoo, several times. And maybe on other servers as well? So, seeing as how your man-hunt is not really going anywhere, I was wondering if you were willing to settle for me now.
Just curious,
Steven


(response too sad to print)

 



Sexy Asian Female Seeking White Male

Reply to: anon-2617007@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Jan 13 20:31:39 2002


Hey there..
My name is Kat, short for Katherine. I am a 23 year old, 5'8" Asian, residing in San Jose. I love to snowboard, ski, dance, work out and travel. I am a fun loving and easy going person. I am down to try anything at least once. I love to stay active. I am looking for someone who is anywhere from 24 to 29 years old, also looking for friends and maybe more. Email me with your picture, and I'll email you back with mines.


I'M WHITE AND PERTTY SURE I'M MALE ALSO..


Hi Kat,
As luck would have it, I'm a 29 year old white male who is into snowboarding, dancing and travel, plus I'm fun loving and easy going too, and I'm totally rich besides. But I can't go out with you because Asian-American men say that girls like you are selling out the race, and that you must have negative stereotypes about Asian-American men. I mean, boy, are they pissed. So, no date for you. Sorry, but there's a lonely Chinese- or Korean-american guy sitting at home alone eating a cold hamburger and watching porno in the dark, waiting for the phone to ring, and I just know I'd be thinking about him as I was tapping that ass. That's not something I want on my conscience. The buck stops with me, I say. If there's going to be one single white guy who doesn't exclusively date asian woman in California, let it be me. I must take my stand and represent for Asian Pride, (or perhaps even 'Azn Pride', whichever is more proud).

Once again, sorry. Best of luck to you.
Steven

 

Need holiday ca$h ... but you get the PRE$ENT

Reply to: anon-2232031@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Nov 23 22:00:28 2001


A girl needs to pay the bills, right? $eeking generous and attractive males to help me out. And, believe me, I'll help you, too.
I'm incredibly attractive, intelligent, 5'6", 120, 34C. Would normally not do this (I'm a good girl), but necessity dictates.
Shoot me a note.

Dear 2232301,

Yes, I'm incredibly wealthy. I have more money than I know what to do with. I travel around the country doing arbitration for start-ups. First class, personal TVs and foot massages all the way. Now that the economy is slowing down, I find that I finally have some time on my hands, and no one to spend it with. Needless to say, this is good news for you. However, I didn't get this stinking rich by being horny all the time. I'm a success at arbitration because I love fiduciary matters, options, futures, put calls, all of it. More than sex. But my favorite aspect of financial wheeling-and-dealing has to be negotiating. "The Art Of The Deal," as Donald Trump so eloquently put it. The give-and-take, the bait-and-switch, the bargaining chip and the artfully-placed loophole, this is the crux of my libido. So why am I bothering to write? Do I, Mr. Time-Is-Money, actually have nothing better to do? An apt question! As it happens, your ad got me thinking. . . I'm seldom aroused by mere flesh, but negotiating over your price might just cook my books, so to speak. These will be long, hard negotiations, with no voyeuristic third-party arbitration. My initial phallic offering will be absurdly stingy, perhaps a kernel of candy corn. Raising my price (to the princely sums of which I am capable of effortlessly dispensing) will be up to you. In other words, I'm proposing a challenge: my negotiating skills and congenital stinginess against your acumen in the field of manipulation and seduction. If you're a real, bona-fide gold-digger who takes great pride in her ability to drive men out of their minds with desire, to make men put aside their best interests (and their high-interest, nested, tax-free hedge funds) in a fit of passion, you will no doubt accept!

Well, then, Mr. Investor ... Two can play at this game. While you may have me pegged as less than classy, or even--God forbid--stupid, I'm quite the opposite. I think we both can hope that my Northwestern University education, and the skills I've gleaned from my analyst friends, will come in handy. And while money may seem like the object to be negotiated, it's in fact not. Relatively speaking, money has been the object of barter for only a small chunk of the timeline. And while I'm not in the market for salt, gold or spices, there are other options.
Perhaps a shopping trip. In your cost/benefit analysis of this option, you'll
find that you'll gain as much as, if not more than, I will: for you'll win the
opportunity to be seen with me! What better reward than to be seen buying precious material goods for a classy, sweet-for-the-eyes lady? And one with an intellect, to boot!
Although, straight-up green is never to be turned down. So maybe $600 sounds a bit steep--not in terms relative to the rest of your wealth, but relative to the activities up for grabs. Well, in that case, let's pull out more
relativity. For that $600, you could buy a decent bottle of wine. Or a dinner at The French Laundry. Both, though, would be mediocre and short-lived. And while pleasing to the palate, there are other, better parts to please! That I can do.
I hope I've piqued your curiosity a bit.
--Lauren


Dear Officer Lauren,

Despite what you think, life isn't all Dom Perignon and Bentleys here at the top of the heap. My lawyer is so overworked with my SEC insider-trading litigation-- now in its second year-- that I had to buy him another Lexus just to keep him on the case. Now the IRS is making ominous references to an account I supposedly have in the Cayman Islands. Not only is this intimidating to me, it's also insulting!! Everyone knows that Cayman Islands money laundring is so 1995, all the real players have accounts in Sierra Leone now!! So as you can see, the LAST thing I need right now is to get busted by an obvious narc such as yourself. I'm sure that life in the Vice Squad is dismal, and bagging a high-roller like me would get you promoted to a decent job. But please, naming an actual fee in an email? That's way too obvious. I've got half a mind to phone my squash partner Captain O'Reilly and inform him of your poor knowledge of California entrapment laws.

Sincerely,

The Law-Abiding Mr. Schultz

 

 

STALKER SEEKS NEW OBJECT OF AFFECTION
suicide,homocide,pesticide...whatever...these guys are dropping like flies, so i need someone else to admire! by the way, i have a way of getting around those pesky restraining orders, so don't even bother...um...yes this is me, and a bad picture at that, so just a note that i am better looking in person. it actually works in your favor, since it won't be as frightening to see me staring through your bedroom window at two in the morning :) i'm kinda like watching a burger king commercial - you know - you'd rather enjoy a whopper in person than watch one on TV. oh, and no, i am not a transgender, but thanks for the compliment! also, if you leave a phone number with your response, i'll take it down to the hottest gay bar in town, so be warned! for those of you who have responded to my ad in the past (titled:cute ex-con seeks new friends), i have been incarcerated (but i SWEAR i was innocent - he fell on that knife 72 times!) so, please respond again, as i probably missed writing to you while in the joint. ...have a very pleasant day! :)

ANOTHER CHANCE FOR ME??

Dear "Stalker,"

I couldn't help but notice you're the same lady as "LET ME SMACK YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD". I thought that ad was brilliant too, but I didn't read it until maybe 2 weeks after you posted it. So I figured, "Between her winsome smile and scathing wit, she's probably already commanding a harem of hot guys, cleft chins and ripped abs, not unlike the studs of 'Temptation Island Two,' for who could resist such a devastating lady?" .... And I never wrote. But now you've put in this "STALKER" ad; it would appear you've been doing some cleaving and ripping of your own, and you ran plumb out of guys! So, now I've got another chance....

I just read your sick, sick personal ad. I've been living, alone and defenseless, in this apartment for about five months, and all I can say is. . . . it's about time! I even installed pink Hello Kitty drapes to make my place stand out to potential perverts, and (for easy surveillance) leave the drapes open at all hours whilst I pad around half-naked, wearing Ralph Lauren Polo socks held up with sexy sock garters. But no stalkers! I even left several volumes of "Catcher in the Rye" and "Helter Skelter" on my windowsill but when I came back, they were still there! What kind of bad neighborhood is this, anyway? At first I thought maybe there's too many heat sources, it's bound to interfere with someone's infrared binoculars. So I turned off the radiator, snuffed out my St. Adelheid votive candle (patron saint of sexually fixated obsessives), and even stripped down to my Dear Daniel boxers, but as I sat huddled and freezing, I knew I was just fooling myself. . . .I just wasn't stalk worthy. Then I read your ad, and I must say, you've given me new hope! I'm not like some of these guys that SAY they want a stalker but just up and move once the stabbing starts. Nor am I the type to suddenly take a new route to work each day. Teasers like that give us all a bad name. ... It sounds like you've been burned before, and you're brave to carry on. Please let me be your latest victim!

Thanks,

Steven

I am seeking an All-American Jock
I am seeking an All-American Jock (Valentine) between 27-32. I am looking for an athletic guy at least 5'10 who can call the shots. My dream guy should have a bit of class, a college education and a full time job.

I am new in the area and looking to meet some new people. I'm 5'5, shoulder length brown hair/brown eyes. I enjoy going for drinks and exploring the city.

Please send me a picture & I will do so in return.

It's your lucky day, little midwestern lady ! I am your dream Valentine's date, I have the take charge attitude you babes love, I sort of see myself as a cross between Indiana Jones and Rhett Butler, but without his little gay-ass moustache. I'm all man, AND I have a full time job. . . kicking ass!! My other pursuits include team sports, driving some kind of hot car, suppporting our troops in the Middle-East (I'd go myself, but I pulled a muscle doing extreme sports), and getting busy with non-gay women such as yourself, who know an all-american man when they see one!

Allright, honey, I'll be waiting to hear from you

Steven

p.s. How about a hot pic of you? Here's a picture of me relaxing after an exciting game of ball. (don't worry, she's just a friend)


Double dinner date, you pay, no sex


I want to be very straight forward. If you are not comfortable being frank, don't read on.

Me and my girl friend are both single, young (early 20's) and cute, college student. We love good food, so we are thinking why not meet with cute guys at the same time.

We realize this is not old days anymore and man are less considerate when the bill comes but more forward about their own needs. So we want to be very clear.

We want to set up a dinner date with two guys, older than 25 prefered.
You will pay for the dinner, and if we like you, we can talk some more, but we'are definitely not going to have sex with you that night. Just say this upfront so no confusion arise when we meet.

Respond to me with your pic and age please.
Ok, I know it's hard for some guys to listen, so here it is again:
AGE AND PIC, will get response.


Honest Girls

Dear Honest Women,



I'm 30, he's 24. Here we are in the woods, where our occult incantations are being interrupted by a phone call from the maitre'd of a five-star restaraunt.

Needless to say, we're both intrigued by your proposal.

We have the funds, the highly-evolved palates, and the good manners to please you.

So what is it you are offering in return for the food? Your ad said no sex, but the ad did NOT say that you were interesting, funny, or even easy on the eyes.

Are we to infer that this is charity work?

A world of free and delicious eatins' awaits you if you can only explain why we should spend money on you rather than the homeless, or, say, the Lost Boys of Sudan.

On the other hand. . . if you don't want to pay for the food or have sex, there is a third option. Perhaps you can help us with our unusual rites. (Usually we just throw away the carcass, but I see no reason we can't cook it up, and serve you two a juicy home-cooked meal!)

Sincerely,

Steven

(on the right)


Are White boys attracted to White girls anymore?

Reply to: anon-2712953@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jan 23 22:37:53 2002


I was just curious If any white boys still like white girls?

You can't all be taken.......

No.

no we're not. But thanks for asking. Your best bet is to head out to the Richmond district and get yourself an Asian guy!

 

SAF seeking SWM, but not why you think
Well, here are the requisite vitals: 30 years old, SAF, considered very attractive, 5'-4", 115, athletic, well-educated, well-read, and artistic. I'm seeking a single white gentleman, between 30-35 who is lean and fit, creative, likes backpacking, knows what "spiritual" means even if he isn't, loves words, makes me laugh, and likes to cook. I'm a bit skeptical about making this, my first online personal ad post, for fear of the kind of sickness that might land in my mailbox, but, well, here I am. How about this, do me a favor, in addition to telling me a bit about yourself, please explain how your interest in me is not simply because of a fetish for Asian women, and I'll tell you why I have an interest in Caucasian men.

Dear Not Why You Think,
"please explain how your interest in me is not simply because of a fetish for Asian women"

That's an excellent question! I can, uh, explain everything. .. .

Well, see.. . .the thing is.. . eeyoiiiii!


 


26 yr old SF wants to just hangout!

Reply to: anon-2699975@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Jan 22 16:36:59 2002


Hello handsome men out there!

I give up and now I am turning to the internet!!!!!

I've been in the dating scene far too long. I hate bars, pool halls, dance clubs, etc. Meeting people this way just doesn't seem to be working for me. Is it asking too much to find the right guy in this huge city? I just want hangout and make new friends and maybe more. Who knows, maybe CL will help me find the right guy.

About me, 26yrs, 5'7". 110lb, I am athletic built. I workout everyday so please you better be at least be doing the same. Sorry I can't stand men who don't take care of themselves. Pot bellies are such a turn off. Shows me the kind of person they are. You'll need to be fit to keep up with me.

I am looking for someone at least 5'10", between the ages of 26-35, athletic built and must be willing to workout with me. ethnicity is not a factor as I am open to all types.

Please send a Pic. because I will not reply to you without one.

I'M FLEXING MY CORTEX!
Instead of working out everyday and wanting a man who does the same, wouldn't it be simpler to stop being totally vain and insecure about your body, quit the gym, and find a guy who likes YOU and not your body? Then you guys could spend time cuddling and having fun rather than sweating, in pain, and trying desperately to mold your recalcitrant bodies into some muscle mag's definition of perfect?

Just asking,

Steven

p.s. you said pot bellies 'show me the kind of person they really are'. What a unique statement. Perhaps my own belly is sapping my intellect, but I can't really comprehend your statement. Elton john has a potbelly. So does the ex-dictator of Panama, Manuel Noriega. Are you implying that Sir Elton is the same type of person as Noriega? And what kind of person is that exactly? Perhaps if Noriega had spent more time doing the thighmaster he would have been too busy to much cocaine and loot the Panamanian national treasury. But how does this explain Pol Pot, who is a very svelte dictator by anyone's standards?

 

CAUTION: MUSIC ADDICTS ONLY!
You are most likely to find me in record stores, cruising in the hip hop, jazz, and soul section. I'm also into downbeat and a lil bit of punk. If you are into Atmosphere (aka. Slug, a hip hop artist), please write me so we can talk about our wedding arrangements. Oh, what I meant was, "Let's go record shopping!" :) I favor slender/average white males with the laid back and mellow look( with no obsession with asian cultures). You must be a cynic and refuse to be a walking advertisment for brandname companies. NOTE: The cautionary heading is really really FOREALS!!! I'd like to meet someone more knowledeable than me in music, or at least be able to interact on a leveled basis.


Dear Caution,

I read your personals ad because I, like every bay area guy under the age of fifty, am in a band. But you know us musician guys, we're not the brightest bunch! I'm pretty nifty with a whammy bar and a C minor arpeggio but I'm no whiz when it comes to understanding modern sophisticated urban women such as yourself. So, forgive me if I got a little bewildered reading your ad. As far as i can tell....

It seems you're an Asian woman. . .
Who only likes Black music. . .
But you only want to date a White guy. . .
Who only likes Black music. . .
And doesn't especially like dating Asian women.

So, I guess I'm wondering, am I confused, or are you?

Just Asking,

Steven

schultzsteven@hotmail.com

(response deleted because she spelled 'you' as 'u')

 

NOW LOOKING!--- resumes are welcome..
My experiences have taught me to have low expectations with the online ads. People are never as good as what they write. I have done this online thing a few time-- 3 to be exact and so far I'm batting 0-3 in the connection area. You see--I am a sucker for the writing...at least the guys seem sooo interesting on my computer screen yet somehow their personality is limited to the emails we exchange upon meeting in person. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how I was tried of the "bar/dance scene" and that I wish I could find someone to "take me away" from it all. She tells me that I am not going to find my Mr. Right at the bar. She's right of course-- I don't usually go for the guys at the bars or dance clubs. My problem is I love to go dancing and so that's where I hang out. I don't belong to any social clubs and when I go to the gym, it's to sweat --not meet my prince charming. I love the social environment of the bars and I love to dance-- where would I hang out? You figure people who enjoy those activities would hang out at the same place and chances are-- you would find one that you could click with. Everyone at these places can't all be losers right?? So here I am online ---

Dear NOW LOOKING,

You start your ad by admitting you're really hard up and then proceed to talk about how all guys are utter losers, and then abruptly finish the ad without talking about what you're looking for or saying anything about yourself.

Buh?????????????????????

At first I was scared by this, but after a few minutes huddling in the corner I started to realize a few things:

You must be really secure in your womanliness to admit you're hard up, and you must have really high self-respect and integrity to keep your standards up even though no guys ever meet them. Plus, if you didn't write down which kind of music, books, or culture you like, that must mean you're really broad-minded and know all of them.

Let's do lunch!

Steven


SEXY SPF FOR SPM


I'm damn cute and cool. I'm sexy and sweet. I'm smart and smart-mouthed. I'm spoiled but I'll spoil you too. I'm a good little girl with a naughty side and looking for someone who has a wild side to tame me. I'm working on getting past my "I want a bad boy" phase. I'm I dress well (in heels or sneakers), am well-educated, very expressive, very affectionate and very romantic. I'm looking for someone without too much baggage/hangups/insecurities, someone intelligent (so sexy but sadly, so rare), cute (you know, that chemistry thing), honest, funny, romantic, passionate, creative, sweet, not selfish or self-centered and overall, a nice guy who is still a bit of a bad ass.I'm looking for someone who is ready for something serious. I dont expect a full blown relationship overnight, just a good start.


If I sound like a person you want to meet, please send me a reply about yourself with a photo. I will send a reply if I am interested.


MY 'BAD' TO 'ASS' RATIO CAN NOT BE BEAT
Dear 2091583,

You're looking for "a nice guy who is still a bit of a bad ass?"
This is good news, as being 'a bit of a bad ass' has been my lifelong ambition. My ass is not the baddest in town, but neither is it the least bad. I have the black leather pants, but I'm just as comfortable running round town in my Hello Kitty pajamas. I play guitar in a brutal heavy metal band, but we only do covers of Barry Manilow songs. I have yet to drive a Harley motorcycle but I pilot my Honda Civic with such reckless ferocity that friends won't set foot in it. I am truly the synthesys of the bad and non-bad asses.

I also have the vast intellect you require, but I'm not an emotionless nerd. I'm just as happy explaining the non-local quantum mechanics of Hawking radiation as I am listening to your innermost thoughts and fears. Nonetheless, I don't know if you're smart enough to go out with me! Tell me the last five books you read for fun, and we'll take it from there.

That's right,

Schultz


(no response. . . )


Hello,I lived in Santa Rosa for 6 years.I have a long black hair and big chinese eyes.My friends say that I'm attractive, but I think that my strong suits are my nice heart & my sense of humor. I am just a simple type of person. I like all kind of sports. I would like to meet the best friend and have a nice conversation.If you are the best one.I will meet you in the further.

dear Anonymous 2081096,

i don't want to date you; i just feel sorry for you because you live in santa rosa, and i wanted to help out. . . i used to live there, and i can safely say this is the way to get a hot guy:

1) get a pickup truck
2) lower it, and add lots of customizing details (perhaps a flashing, beeping plate holder for your "ILUVGOD" or "DOODLVR" licence plate)
3) install some 12" subwoofers in the back, and play Garth Brooks or NWA (or both, somehow) for the whole neighborhood.
4) drive said lowered, booming pickup truck up Mendocino Avenue.
if this doesn't result in getting several dates, then...
5) drive said lowered, booming pickup truck BACK DOWN Mendocino Avenue.
6) repeat this loop for as long as it takes.

if you're still not swarmed with hot guys, you're probably...
a) neglecting to wear your black satin 'raiders' jacket
b) failing to drive with one elbow sticking out your rolled-down window, clutching a chocolate shake or other cutting-edge beverage from Wendy's.

correct these problems immidiately, and you'll surely get guys. bonus points if you score some guy that is 'planning on going to the Junior College.' he's one of the local achievers.

(no response. . . )


DKNYGURL
I'm petite, girly, happy and love to have fun. Down to party but appreciates good company.Loves humor, can be sarcastic, but can also TAKE sarcasm.Don't worry, I won't cry if you say something mean...Anyways,I'm just looking for new friends to chat with or POSSIBLY hang out. I belive in taking care of myself and dressing well, and of course I hope you feel that way too.I guess you can say I am a bit narcissitic. I like girls too so if you're a cute girly female reading this, please reply! I think looks are important because that's the first impression you give to someone. If you have a picture, then respond. If not, please don't waste my time.


DEAR MS. DKNYGURL.,

Your ad describes you as 'narcissitic.' My raggedy old Webster's defines 'narcissism' as 'egoism or egocentrism.' Hey, there's nothing wrong with that; it just means you feel good about yourself. Maybe after you're finished getting your hair and your nails done, and your stair-master workout and singing some videos into the bathroom mirror, you can find another source of self-esteem. Such as the warm, good feeling that comes from knowing how to actually spell 'narcissistic.'

 

(no response. . . )

 


TOP TEN REASONS WE'LL GET ALONG
Top ten reasons why I guarantee we can get along with (Keywords: Chinese, traditional, family, husband..) 10) I won't let you feel lonely as I can bring in my whole family and live under the same roof. 9) I won't let you get bored as you can spend the rest of your life to learn my language. 8) I can help you succeed in the Market as I can discipline you "The Art of War" written by Sun Tzu in BC 400. 7) I can help you keep in shape as I can eat up your meals and I'm still slim and petite. 6) You can be at the wheel all the time when we hit 30mph above. 5) We will have fun to reassemble a BBQ duck from head to feet on the dinner table. 4) I can entertain you by karaoke. I can amaze you how to beat eggs by chopsticks. 3) You don't need to worry about our children as they can only be engineer, doctor or lawyer. Least choices are politician or Rock'n Roll star. 2) As you get my 24x7 attention, your beer buddies no longer bug you for watching games. 1) I leave this to you. No matter what you say, you always impress me. If you are SINGLE AND UNATTACHED, are happy with who you are while appreciate where your mate is from, know how to take control of your life while know how to use an abundant sense of human to enjoy it, please drop me a line. I guarantee I don't bring my mom to a date :)

(Keywords: German, musician, nerd, leiderhosen)
Yes, I'd love to marry you! Your family could live in my bunker. . . I could teach your mother the traditional recipie for Salzburger Knockwurst. I've got a 100 CD karaoke machine full of the latest polkas for family singalongs! My surplus Rommel half-track doesn't do over 30 mph anyway, and we could all spend a happy evening silk-screening your family chop onto some of my decorative armbands!

Your ad rules! I just hope I'm not too late. . . My name is Steven, I'm a sound engineer and I live in Oakland. I'm 30, 5'11, with blue hair. Thanks,
Steven
p.s. I'm pretty sure I've got an 'abundant sense of human.'

 

(she actually responsed, but denied me. . . it seems she's got an asian fetish)


rice daddies...no thank you.

Reply to: anon-2290019@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Dec 1 00:13:38 2001


I think Buffy the Vampire Slayer is rad. I collect rare records. I want to be a librarian. I'm a career dogwalker. I haven't hit 30 yet.

I'm looking for a responsible computer geek: 30-35, tall & slender. I once dated a microsoft virtual reality r&d geek. Top that.

I'm Asian. No men with Asian fetishes desired. * ABSOLUTELY NO rice daddies!*


Dear 2290019,
Don't worry, I'm not a "rice daddy." My last girlfriend was Anglo-Saxon, like me. So was the girlfriend before her. I won't bug you about (or make assumptions about) 'your culture', as I don't really care about Asian culture. Or history. Come to think about it, I'd never go out with you in a million years. But thanks for asking!
Sincerely,


David Duke.

 

SPF looking for a gentleman

Reply to: anon-4386903@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Jun 21 18:40:38 2002


First a little about me: I'm 31, professional, really energetic and (I hope)interesting. I have a lot of interests, but not a lot of time to pursue them all. I work pretty hard but I never let it consume me. I've met a lot of really nice guys but it's so hard for it to be "just right." I am very attractive, and have a nice smile and friendly personality. I'm still hoping to meet the guy who's meant for me...

About the guy I'm looking for: Someone who can relate to people but retains his own distinct character and style. A goofy sense of humor is really attractive to me, as is intelligence. I don't have a "type," and I'm pretty open so send me a message. Thanks!

WOW, I'M INTRIGUED!
'I've met a lot of really nice guys but it's so hard for it to be "just right." I am very attractive, and have a nice smile and friendly personality.'


let me consult my Craigslist decoder ring. . . (twist, twist. ..)

are you sure you're not a spoiled princess?

can you leave the house without looking in a mirror?
do you have to have to wear all designer clothes, even when you're running to the corner store for some tampons?
do you find it difficult to believe something like poop could ever come out of your body?
when you go dancing, does your butt never actually move?
does the ease with which you meet new men cause you to lose respect for men?
do you think you deserve nothing less than Mr. Perfect?

maybe that's why you're still single. . .

just trying to help,

steven

p.s. think I'm totally wrong? well, don't just sit there fuming. take me out to dinner and show me you're not a princess. your perfect revenge: won't i be embarrassed if you turn out to be cool!!


(no response, amazingly. . . )

 

RESPONSE TO AN AD I LOST. . .

Linda,

I never heard back from you. . . Did you find your Mr. Perfect already? Or were you repulsed by my gruesome mutant face? If we go on a date, I could put a bag on my head!

Seriously though, I hope you can find someone you like.

s

Hi Steven,
I'm sorry I haven't responded to you in awhile. I
haven't found Mr. Perfect yet but am currently dating
someone. I do wish you the best in finding your Ms.
Perfect and thank you for your emails.

Linda

Linda,
I wish happiness for both of you. But if you happen to be innocently rummaging through his medicine cabinet or bedroom closet and find something unspeakable, I'm still available!
s.


SAF, Look at the Response I Got

Reply to: anon-2460057@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Dec 23 22:30:24 2001


I posted the ad and look at the response scary I got. The sad thing is that without the SAFs out there, this guy would have had no girlfriends. BTW, my friend (white) and I posted similar ads, and I got about 3x as many responses.
Note, I did not write to him, he just responded to my ad this way.
*****

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm 29 yo, have ONLY dated Asian women, and had ONLY 2 girlfriends, both Chinese. HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME A FETISHIST? I'll tell you how it doesn't.....

The American Heritage College Dictionary defines a "fetish" as "n. 1. An object that is believed to have magical or spiritual powers, esp. such an object associated with animistic or shamanistic religious practices."

This clearly does not describe Asian women.

Get off your high horse and stop being so judgemental. I love and admire Asian culture and you want to label me a "fetishist" and castrate me for it? Go to Hell. With that kind of attitude I hope you die lonely.

(that was her letter, not mine. here's mine. . .)

OH REALLY?
so you got 3 times as many letters as your white friend. so asian women are way more popular than white women. and you're complaining? get real. other people of color have SIGNIFICANT problems (racial profiling, police brutality, AIDS, and getting beat on because they're 'terrorists') whereas Asian women's problem is. . . everyone wants to date you. Of course you don't put it that way, because then everyone would laugh at you. So you use the word 'fetishist', to get people to sympathize with you. I'm not condoning the language of the guy that wrote you that abusive email. i'm just saying, you have to expect a negative reaction when you're advancing a preposterous notion like the notion that asian women are oppressed by being too popular!!

Plus, the fact that you got flamed doesn't prove that fetishists are all abusive. the women that asked for a free pedicure got flamed, too, right below you. guys that send pictures of their penises, rather than their faces, to potential dates get flamed. while someone could (in theory) get flamed unjustly for making a brilliant point about racism, it seems the vast majority of people mocked publicly in CL are buffoons. something to think about. . ..

(no response. . . )

 

Chinese female seeking attractive men to satisfy her needs

I am an attractive, skinny and spoilt chinese female, currently studying part time in SF, seeking young men to satisfy my "needs". He must be tall, blond and blue eyes, to remind me of my (ex) husband. Descreet encounters expected, with all costs carried by you.

Send me an e-mail and I will repond with my telephone number and web site.

Dear Ms.2193985,

Hmmm... you didn't specify what your "needs" are so I'm just going to assume the obvious: that you "need" an immidiate and thorough ego deflation. I could start by mocking your poor grasp of plurals in English grammar, but I'd prefer to make you insecure about your body. Send me a pic and I'll get started right away!

Helpfully yours,

Schultz

(mysteriously, Chinese female didn't send me her promised website or pictures!)


LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE
I have brown hair/eyes, fair skin with big dimples as you can see from the photo. I like to look/ dress nice, enjoy a great conversation, love cooking/ baking, gardening, going to the movies, long walks and meeting new people. I enjoy all types of food, enjoy travel to warm/exotic places. I am friendly, fun and love chidren (never have met a child who doesn't like me), I have the most wonderdful kids and they are the most important people in my life. I have a great passion for life and am hoping to find that special someone to share my days with...he is a gentleman who is intelligent, responsible, sense of humor, romantic, loving and caring. Do write if you are that someone....

theresahelmer@yahoo.com

YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE PERSON. . . . TOO NICE
Dear Ms. Helmer,

You really shouldn't put your real name in your email address, there's too many psychos out there.

Not me, though.

I'm just saying.

I mean, sure, I sleep with a four foot tall Hello Kitty, but in this crazy, topsy-turvy world, who doesn't? It's the guys with knives that you have to watch out for. Or clubs. I think Ted Bundy used a club.


If you're meeting a strange man for dinner, it's a good idea to get his licence plate number and home address. Explain to him that you'll give this information to your best girlfriend, so she can call the police if you wind up missing.

Anyway, good luck finding 'that special someone'
Sincerely,

Steven Schwartz.


LOOKING FOR CUTE WHITE GUY
Reply to: anon-2194977@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Nov 18 11:01:16 2001


SAF looking for cute white guy to play with and keep me warm.

me: 20-something, attractive, long brown hair, educated and in good shape
you: baby-face (or at least look younger for your age), fit, smart, funny and very sweet. between 25-35.

must live in sf or peninsula please. thanks!


Dear 2194977,

I've got a question for you: In the course of your epic man-hunt, have you ever heard a white guy complain that you're 'fetishizing' him and his kind? Or complain that he feels stereotyped, or that asian females who only like white guys are 'creepy'?? You know what I mean. Probably you haven't, but if you DID, it would be so totally hilarious that I'd love to know about it.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck finding Mr. White, I mean Mr. Right . . . I'd offer to take you out, but I'm spoken for.

Curiously yours,

Steven

(no response)

 

PANDORA'S BOX
Have you heard the story about the Pandora's box? What will happen when you open the box? Will you release all human ills and spread over the earth? Or you find the box contain all the blessings of the gods? Open it, otherwise you will never know. Therefroe, if you want to know more about me, just E-mail me. I would like to meet someone who is nice, interesting, and about my age.

I REALLY FELT A CONNECTION WHEN I READ YOUR AD!

I've always had a soft spot for women who compare themselves to 'all human ills.' It takes a certain self-confidence. Many of today's modern women like to 'take charge' and 'kick ass,' but it takes a really special kind of lady to 'be a festering cesspool of every scrap of human misery.' Maybe it's the evill; maybe I'm just a sucker for the ambitious type. But for me, women who are just 'most human ills' won't do.

Back in college I dated some girl who was Death, Famine, and War, but it turned out she lied about also being Pestilence. What could I do? I dumped her. Apocolypic evil is one thing, but I've got my self-respect and don't have to put up with simple dishonesty. My last memory is of her, bone thin, surrounded by cannons and skulls, vainly trying to hock up some phlegm and telling me it was Ebola. When things get that pathetic, it's better for everyone to end it quickly...

I wish I could say, 'I'll pick you up at eight in my fiery chariot driven by seven-headed bat-winged, coke-addled stallions,' but the truth is I'm not even a little evil. I like Hello Kitty and country music... Maybe it's an 'opposites attract' kind of thing.

In your case, there's always the chance you might contain 'all the blessings of the gods.' But that's a risk I'm willing to take. Something about you tells me the odds are in my favor!

Write me?

Steven

 

Hi, thank you for reading my ad. let's get it straight. Here is me: ready to settle down, responsible, have a good sense of humor, good looking, intelligent, great cook. independent, witty, healthy... I have no kids, want 2 or 3 of my own in the future...Here is he: Asian or Caucasion, no kids, mature, gentle, at least college grad, Ph.D a plus, between 35-43, taller than me, good personility, ambisious, successful, organized... Sorry for the harsh tone, just don't want to waste my or your time. If you think you are "he" and you like my picture, drop me a line. Otherwise good luck on your search. Thank you.


Hello!

I don't believe in dishonesty or making excuses, so I'll just tell you this up front: I'm 32, three years younger than your ideal man. But if you meet me, you'll find I am very old for my age. People often tell me,
"Why, you look at least 40!" My sagging jowls and veiny hands are sure to provide the look you desire.

Perhaps you want an older man because younger men have a reputation for being 'players' . . . love-em-and-leave-em types who prey on older women such as yourself. I've got the sex drive of a man more than twice my age,with all the experience of a bumbling 14-year-old!! Years of working on a nuclear submarine have left me as impotent as an octogenarian eunuch. Maybe after watching some "Murder She Wrote" I'll get all excited by Angela Lansbury and goose you, but then I'd have to take my pills again.


But you're concerned with more than looks and sex... and I respect you for that. Many women just want me to come over and gum them for a while, and I feel so used. Personality is important to both of us, and once again, you will find I have everything you could wish for in a man twice my age! my favorite black metal bands are OLD FUNERAL, OLD MAN'S CHILD and ANCIENT EVIL, for Christ's sake! Furthermore, get off my lawn.

Like you, I'm also ready to settle down. I'm sick of staying out til 9 every night. The bingo scene is too wild for me. I have no kids, I'm ambitious and successful, and. .. what was that other thing you wanted? Eh? Eh???

 

'cute girl seeks ambitious man'

(SORRY , I lost the orignal ad. . . but here's my response)


I enjoyed reading your ad, but I've got one question. You're not the first woman to request an 'ambitious' man. But I always assumed that 'ambitious' related to a person's job or career. What does 'ambitious' mean in the context of a romance? Like, "OK, lady, I've got big plans for us! I know it's only the first date, but I'm a man who thinks big, big, big! So listen up, I've worked out how the next 4 years are going to go. . . by the third date, you'll move in with me. You'll have to have your cat put to sleep, because my apartment doesn't allow pets. we'll have a huge fight about that around 3 months from now, but we'll make up in time to enter the Most Ambitious Couple contest of 2002 in early March. Then we'll train 8 hours a day, until August, when you'll become pregnant and discover that I've left the state. Then you'll hire a private eye and a litigator around roughly November, and then. . ."

Or what?

 

SWF for SWM... friends first


Okay, here goes. Lately, I'm starting to doubt whether there are still educated, single (bachelor), tall (5'10 above), cute, intelligent, witty, charming, nice, athletic, clean, stable (in all aspects), caring, sensitive men out there with a good sense of humor and a taste for clothes who don't already have boyfriends (this is SF after all, no pun intended). Looking for a guy with substance and can handle a good conversation (even a good argument once in a while) over a cup of coffee, go for walks, family oriented. Likes dogs, modern rock and other musical genre (except rap and country) a plus. Catholic preferred. Smokers, alcoholics, pervs, old (late 30s & above), womanizers, and/or married men need not apply.

If you don't think this is too much to ask for and this is you, reply with a pic. I'll give more info later


Dear anon-2627355,

It was a pleasure to read a personals ad from a woman who really knows what she wants! I don't find your list at all excessive or unreasonable. In fact, I enjoyed your ad so much, I've taken your requirements (all 23 of them) and rated myself using the standard AD&D (advanced dungeons and dragons) format for determining a person's characteristic. (with 3 being the least amount and 18 being the highest amount of that characteristic) (unless one is a demi-god, in which case the stat can go up to 20 or even 25!).
NAME: steven
AGE: 33
HEIGHT: 5'11"
SINGLENESS: 18
CUTENESS: 11
INTELLIGENCE: 17
WIT: 16
CHARM: 14
NICENESS: 16
ATHLETIC: 12
CLEANLINESS: 14
STABILITY: 17
CARING: 18
SENSITIVITY: 16
HOMOSEXUALITY: 3
CONVERSATION SKILLS : 17
ENJOYS WALKING: 18
FAMILY-ORIENTATION: 6
DOG-LIKING: 8
MODERN ROCK-LOVING : 5
CATHOLICISM: 4
SMOKING: 3
DRINKING:3
PERVERSION: 3

So as you can see, I'm a very good match for you. I'm looking forward to hearing from you, but since your ad didn't include any information about you, I've taken the trouble to construct a 'character sheet' for you, based on my own requirements:

NAME
AGE
HEIGHT
CATHOLICISM
JEALOUSY
PASSIVE-AGGRESION
DEMANDING THINGS WITHOUT GIVING ANYTHING IN RETURN
ARMOR CLASS
INSANE PICKINESS
RESULTING EXTREME LONLINESS
BITTERNESS


I was going to send a picture of me attending the opening of LORD OF THE RINGS in full regalia, but my dungeon master still hasn't had them developed yet.
Have fun,

steven


(what's amazing is, she wrote back, and actually included her statistics. . . .)

 

Sexy SAF looks for a live-in SWM

Reply to: anon-2616350@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Jan 13 18:34:21 2002


Very sexy and attractive Single Asian Female ,28, is looking for a live in Single White Male boyfriend (28 to 40 years old with stable housing and work)in the South bay. Interested reply with your photo
and details about you.


NICE PRANK
But seriously though, what's the punchline? Is this going to be an article in some riot gggirl zine?

 


PART TWO: PRANK ADS I'VE POSTED. . . .AND THEIR RESPONSES

MY IDEA OF AN ACCEPTABLE DATE:

It could involve debating the meaning of Murakami's 'WIND UP BIRD CHRONICLES' while eating steaming hot chicken tikka masala. Or it could involve sitting in an obscure East Bay fern-lined grotto, recalling old heartbreaks. Or maybe it involves staying out until the wee hours doing pirate jigs at some elite drum-n-bass club until we're forcibly ejected. Or we could recline in the antique bunkers of the Marin Headlands and swap stories of white-collar crime... (you can't figure out how I got you to admit to your junk-bond Ponzi scheme). Or maybe hiking through the Piedmont Cemetery, feasting our eyes on the massive obelisks and their cryptic Masonic insignias, prompting a discussion of wacky conspiracy theories. Or maybe just drinking expired Odwallas and watching Temptation Island Two, hurling advice at the doomed souls on the screen. Then again, maybe we could sneak in USF's medical library and peep at pictures of hideous embolisms, or engage in a light-hearted but devastating freestyle rhyme battle, where (desperately seeking something to rhyme with 'Conan') I'd cross the line of good taste and spend the rest of the evening apologizing. I mean, I'm down for whatever. You know.


(thread one)
Fascinating ad... but how old are you, what age range are you looking for?

tara

Dear Tara S.,

I'm 30 years old, and I'm looking for. . . (thinking about it).... uh, 20-40, I guess. But if you include a detailed essay on age-discrimination, disenfranchisement, and why this 20-40 range should be broadened to include you, I'll sure give it a read! Or, if you ARE 20-40, I guess your next step is to email me explaining how you can possibly be all those years at once.

Steven

LOL
Ok, well I'm in that range...but now I don't remember
what your ad said!


Well, me neither. I was probably talking about my abs. That or my quads.

(Thread two)
YOU SEEM SO COOL
"i loved your craigslist post. you seem like such a cool guy :P"

I SEEM SO COOL
Yes, I am. What of it?

(no response)

 

(thread one)

IS IT HARD BEING SO PERFE CT LMAO

GOD WE WOMEN SHOULD WORSHIP YOU. DAM YOUR PERFECT, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE
OTHER MEN OUT THERE. YOUR SO LUCKY YOUR PARENTS BLESSED YOU WITH SO MUCH TO
OFFER. LMFAO
KEEP DATEING THOSE ASIANS AND IM NOT SURPRISED YOUR STILL SINGLE, WHITE
PEOPLE WOULD'NT BUY THAT LOAD OF SHIT YOUR TRYING TO PASS OFF ON YOUR
POSTING. LET ME KNOW IF YOUR BULL SHIT FLYS WITH SOME DUMB BITCH.

Dear Special 2004,
Thanks for writing, I'm happy to finally meet someone who has as much free time as I do! But perhaps you could better spend this free time learning about grammar and punctuation? I'd tutor you myself but I'm busy sailing on my yacht with 13 fly honeys. . . and a robot.

I'm quite wonderful!
s.

fly honeys lmfao and a yacht shit, that is why your dumb ass is on the net.
dream on your to funny. men crack me up, must be fun in your world. lol

(thread three)


u my friend r not nice sweetie..u should be ashamed of ur self...

oNLY kIDDING ..Butt Sounds like you need a MASSAGE LUV I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH MANY TALENTS~~ NNN~~U WILL LEAVE MY PLACE WITH *SMILES* ON UR FACE hUN~~n where is MY CASE OF JIM ~~BEAM **HEHE** I SURE COULD USE IT TODAY IF POSSIBLE CALL ME SEXY, CIN I WILL DEFINATELY MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WILD SIDE LOL.. SO CUMMMHITHER TO ME I AM NOT ASIAN ** butt PLS DON'T BE PREJUDICE** AGAINST BEAUTIFUL BLONDES WITH HIGH CHEEK BONES LIL NOSE N MOUTH BUTT CAN DO GREAT THINGS WITH LIL MOUTH GR...PURR...CALL(650) xxx-xxxx I MIGHT HAVE SOME AVILABLITY 4 AN APPT 4 U IF U WANT OR I WANT HEHEcIAO 4 NOW KISSES N LICKS TO UR CHEEK NNN** NO NOT THAT CHEEK Devilish Grins* N Please MAY I HAVE MY KLEENEX TOOO...HEHE U CAN SPANK ME LIL ASS LATER oH i'm iRISH LOL BYE




Dear Ms. Tyler,
What can I say? I'm the type of guy who thinks that good grammar and spelling are a much bigger turn-on than, say, blowjobs. So I'm not going to take you up on your kind offer of a 'massage.'
But, can I ask you a question? Have you had much luck making 'appointments' with men using this I'M AN OUT-OF-CONTROL, ALL-CAPS SEX-MACHINE style of yours? I've been giving this question a lot of thought.
Cheers,

s.

(hungover response about her adorable pets deleted)


Let's go to Visual Kei shows!

I'm from America. I'll be coming to Tokyo in July. I'm a fun, polite, pink-haired musician. Seeing Indies bands was the best part of my last Tokyo trip!! Please write eviloverlord@hellokitty.com

THREAD ONE. . .

(no subject)
HOW OLD R U?

(RE: no subject)
I'm 33. how much do you weigh?


(no response)

THREAD TWO

My name is Takako. I'm Japanese 26years old. single,slender body,big eyes,big bust and long hair.........working and reside in Tokyo now. I saw your message from japan HP. I have similar hobbies like you I like Japanese culture movies and music. and I'm looking for boyfriend that live in San Francisco. I'll be on holiday in San Francisco July 3 - August 4. I would like to find out about more fun places !!. Hope to hear from you soon..........I'm waiting your reply.
Love,
yours, Takako

Hi Takako!
Thank you for writing to me. Of course I will write you back. I am a gentleman!

I don't think that boyfriends will be a problem for you! Japanese women are very popular in San Francisco. Even if a Japanese girl looked like 'Downtown' Matsumoto Hitoshi, she can have an American boyfriend by the time she leaves the airport. (I don't know why, but it's true)
When I visit Tokyo, the people were very nice to me, and showed me fun places. So of course I am happy to show you around San Francisco.
Bye-bye!
Steven
p.s. would you like to see my picture?

Hi, Steven. how are you things going for you?????. I just came home from
work and I'm so sleepy. I am Inter-net photogravure nude idol in Tokyo.
\(^o^). This is me. I wanna to see your photo. Could you send me??????.
Do you have Japanese or American girlfriend now??. I am lonely.........and I
want meet you in Cisco.

Love,

Takako

Hi Takako!

I hope you slept well.

Tomorrow is my day off, I will spend all day at the beach.

Thank you for your glamorous pictures!
I think I have lots of questions about your 'nude idol' career.
But I am not prejudiced against women in this industry.
Some of my friends have been strippers or S/M mistress
But they are just friends, not girlfriend.

So you want to know, who is my girlfriend?
She is also a Japanese idol. . . do you know her?



OK, see you!
steven


I HATE hello kitty and yourself. and I wanted to meet BLUE eyes men in
America. I really don't want to see u again. and U are so poor face U are
MOTHER FUCKIN and WHITE TRASH!!!!!!.
SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!

 

(then, a month later. . . )

 

my friend 'kayoko, called me ,,,,, did you come to Japan ???????? when?????????? i called you then ,,,,,,,,,, i wanna get a american visa now,,,,,,,,,, can you merry me right now ??????????? your looks is poor ,,,,,so do you wanna merry with me ????????? call back to me soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need american visa now ,,,,, help me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!andfucking me !!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahaha joke,,,,,,,,,, your's takako (^o^)\

Dear Takako,

Thanks for writing, you really made my night! my friend says I should marry you but I have some questions. Why do you need a work visa for America? I think maybe we have enough porn stars here right now. Also, If you marry me, you will become mother-fucking white trash too-- it's the American law. Is that ok?

Steven.

 

 

 


comments? got your own online / dating pranks to share? BBS. go.


OTHER PEOPLES' PERSONALS

I'm archiving these pranks even though I didn't do them . Why? Because they usually get deleted by humorless fucks. And someone has to preserve them. Anyone wanting to psychoanalyze these folks, please submit essays to

eviloverlord@hellokitty.com

thanks!!

Japanese Girl in Special Situation - 23

Reply to: anon-18566071@craigslist.org
Date: 2003-10-30, 10:04PM


I would like to meet someone nice. I think the men I have met are coming on too strong and It's not comfortable so I want to meet a nice man. I also have a special situation where i am looking to meet a good man for freindship who also has some freezer space because I have too many defects in my freezer and there is no room for any more. How did this happen. I had a stomach trouble and i went to a doctor -holisitic- who consulted me and told me he needed to see samples of something - I don't want to mention the word, He said take seran wrap and put on the toilet with some space and defect into it. I did this and tried to make an appointment to give him the defect but he is very busy and I can not reach him. I am worried because I paid him so I put the defect in the freezer until i can meet him. Now every day I have been making defects in the wrapper so they will be fresh and i can't talk to the doctor so I put them in the freezer too. I don't have any more room in my frezzer! If you have some room and also some time for a nice cup of coffee it would be nice to hear from you! I am a 23 years old Japanese female, slim.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around New York

 

why i'm toast

Reply to: anon-7795015@craigslist.orgDate: Tue Jan 7 12:38:002003

being stuck in a boring relationship is the doldrums, but then it's so hard to break up when he really loves you.

tell me why you should be my next bread and butter swf, 27, petite, brunette and sassy


Ladies, be cautious of any penis pics you get...read on...

Reply to: anon-7446482@craigslist.orgDate: Tue Dec 17 21:58:302002

If you've gotten a photo of a man's penis next to a Renuzit can, I have actually met that guy in real life, and if the pic did not come from "thickninenahalf", then whoever sent you that pic is sending a fraudulent photo. Be aware...



INTER-RACIAL BULLSHIT: perspective of a Black man

Reply to: anon-7551288@craigslist.org

Date: Tue Dec 24 12:46:56

2002first of all, I think some black men are just plain ignorant, stupid, insecure, man-child, infantile and utterly irresponsible. I'm referring to the black men that date any fat, ugly white women just because she's white and because her cunt is easy to get. Black men, please open your ears, if you don't love black women, cherish, adore, protect, nuture and be their spiritual rock, we're all in a loosing and self defeating battle...Most of you know that a large number of white women in their best of times sees you as a black mandingo and at their worst, a NIGGER! you can try to fool yourself, but it's reality. Black men are perpetuating the myth of us fucking any fat mass of flesh, whereby, we all know who the real sex sicko's are, the VENERABLE WHITE MEN.

 

Also, they do fantasise about our women, but they think black women can show them some dirt that thie little sick minds want to satisfy-not all white guys of course, but most. they want to come on black women's face. THIS IS A FACT. tHE MEDIA AND THE ESTABLISHMENT HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD TO WEAKEN OUR STRENGHT AS BLACK PEOPLE AND THEY DO THAT BY SEPERATING THE BLACK MAN AND WOMAN. PLEASE THINK ABOUT IT! Black men, do you think a white woman wouldn't betray your ass if needs be? only a black woman would stand by you thru thick and thin-believe that. And why do you'll want a white woman anyway, their pussy smells funny, but they do know hoe to suck a dick..I give them that, but that's because you expect that from them. if you expect all these good stuffs from black women, they will make you strong and for all you spineless brothers out there get a black woman, she'll give you some spine.

 

NOW TO BLACK WOMEN: WHAT'S ALL THESE SHIT ABOUT THUGS? WHAT IS A THUG? SOMONE LIVING ON THE FRINGE OF SOCIETY? A COMIC CHARACTER, LIKE SPIDERMAN? A FATHER? NO, I THINK NOT, A PROVIDER? NO, I DOUBT IT? A NUTURER, PLEASSEEE. So why do you'll wants thugs? for the sex? for a roughneck sex? I'm beginning to feel that some blac women are as confused as a blind crab that thinks he's crawling in a straight line. You'll are watching too much videos, too much basketball games. BLACK WOMAN: THE IMAGE OF A BLACK MAN IS NELSON MANDELA, MLK, JORDAN, BAYO OGUNLESI, FRANK RAINES, STANLEY ONEAL, DENZEL and 2-pac, but if you want him, he died early and Pac was a baltimore school of arts educated brother. At least if you'll gonna get a thug, get a smart one.

 

In any case, stop being too bitter, the world owes you nothing. it got here wayyy before you did. If you want some thug luving, then get some thug luvin, and shut the fuck up about brothers not being good or about educated brothers dating white women. As a matter of fact, an educated brother thugs out his brain for almost 5yrs and you expect him to date some woman that constantly wants him to mimic OLD DIRTY BASTARD? you must be growing horns! The truth of the matter is there're enough brothers out there that wants a nice, caring, joyful responsible non-bitter black woman. why don't you'll give that educated brother a chance. and help him lift our society. not some thug that will impregante and leave ya ass and ya kids with no life insurance and the kid will in turn become a thug.

 

STAND BEHIND THE BRAINS OF OUR SOCIETY, THAT'S OUR ONLY HOPE. AGAIN, I'LL REPEAT, BLACK WOMEN..STAND BESIDE THE BRAINS OF OUR COMMUNITY, THAT'S OUR ONLY HOPE. THUGGING IN THIS DAY AND AGE MAKES NO GODDMN SENSE. THE THUGS ARE STILL WORKING FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT ANYWAY. HAPPY HOLIDAYS..PEACEOUT/


What Happens when you're 30(ish) and Still Single - w4m

Reply to: anon-7503122@craigslist.org

Date: Sat Dec 21 00:21:50 2002

Once you are in your 30's the whole dating scene changes. Lemme tell you, it sucks the big one. For Women: The men who ask you out will be: A- Married (all those guys who married in their early-mid 20's have discovered that their sweet, loving wife is a shrew who wouldn't blow them after they said their vows).

B-Over 40 (for some reason, as SOON as you hit the magic 3-0 all the old farts seem to think you should be grateful for their attention.)

C- Determined Bachelors (who have really learned how to play on a woman's desire for love and affection to get what they want, only what THEY want).

D- Reformed Playboys (former determined bachelors who now find thermselves stuck home alone because their "posse" has married off)

E- The Divorced Man without kids (Typically married too young or married someone psycho, highly commitment-phobic, tons of baggage).

F- The Divorced Man with kids (run...looking for a mom, housekeeper, cook, laundress etc etc. Afraid of sex because they have learned the hard way what a pain it is to have kids).

G-The Younger Man (Thanks for the reminder A!- These guys LOVE the idea of dating an older -especially the Jaded- chick, will learn all they can from ya then go find an 18 yr old to show off their new skills).

For Men: The women you meet will be:

A. Sluts (Spent their 20's jumping so fast from guy to guy looking for the love daddy never showed them.)

B- The Jaded Chick (either has never found love before and doesn't believe in it, or was in a long-term relationship that ended badly. Has potemntial if you have patience)

C- The Golddigger (the first thing she will ask is. :"So, what do you do for a living?" What she means is, "Can you afford my credit card bills?")

D- The Desperate Damsel (looking to GET MARRIED, will put the relationship into hyperdrive and overlook reality for the ring).

E- The Divorcee without kids (if husband left her, has major baggage. If left her husband, he probably cheated or ignored her. Tends to need abnormal amounts of attention.)

F- The Divorcee with kids (Tired, needs help, will settle. If you want an instant family, she's probably going to take very good care of you.)

G- The Married Woman (husband cheated, she's getting her revenge. Expect animal sex.)

H- The Career Chick (found herself on the fast track, realized that work sucks, is lonely, can be a good find IF she has learned that her personal life should be a priority.)

sexy, single gal seeks...

Reply to: anon-7421631@craigslist.org

Date: Mon Dec 16 17:37:17 2002

Hi! I'm 420 friendly! That means I like pot, but won't just come out and say that I like pot! Maybe I smoke a little pot now and again; maybe I'm a staggering bong-breathed dope fiend with blazing red eyes and smoke-stained teeth! You'll never know, because I prefer to use cutesy little buzzwords like "420" because I'm so damn cool. I've never posted on Craig's List before, but apparently the men I meet in real life find me much less impressive than I do. Maybe they can't see that. Either that, or they aren't 420-friendly! Since my massive ego needs constant assuagement and external validation, I'm going to try this cyber-dating thing while assuming that the men who read these postings are just as desirable as the men who ignore me in real life but, for some reason, lack an iota of self-esteem and will allow me to get away with murder. So here goes!

 

I'm totally complex and a mystery. I'm gorgeous - just utterly gorgeous. And I'm wicked deep and spiritual and, like, evolved, but you still have to send me a picture for me to respond to your email. And while I'm non-judgmental, I have a lengthy list of exact qualities that you must possess in order to merit a response. And though I'm liberated, I demand a man who treats me like a princess - that means supplying me with loads of 420, among other things. Also, no game-players or one-night stands, or guys with complexes, or guys who dont live within a quarter-mile of my house, or guys with roommates, or guys without cars, or guys who like televised sports, or guys who dont ski, or guys who don't wear the right shoes, or guys who don't earn enough money, or guys who don't want to bow and kneel in worship before the precious, ineffably beautiful blossom that is my perfrect womanliness. You must be 28 to 32, and handsome, and at least 6'2", and in good shape but not a gym rat, and you MUST be completely and utterly free of any emotional baggage at all, so no relationship junkies or rebounders or starry-eyed romantics need apply.

 

That means that you have been single for between 38 and 74 days, or else you're either rebounding or a loser who can't commit.

And have a really high-paying job while you're at it, but be an iconoclastic individualist who stands on his own while shopping at all the right boutiques. And be 420-friendly, of course, and look like you maybe are partially descended from an exotic yet non-threatening non-Caucasian ethnicity, unless you're Asian in which case forget it. Or Indian. Or Arab. OK, just be tan and be 420 friendly and rich and worship my big, selfish, stoned, entitled ass. And send that damn picture!


Morbidly Obese Male seeks Hot, Blond Vixen or Bucket of Chicken

Reply to: anon-2190153@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Nov 17 11:40:05 2001


If you have both I might even fuck you after I eat the chicken.

If you are high today and a good looking and female, contact me to hook up with a 29 year old swm, cute, athletic guy (me). Bring chicken.

Other ways to contact poster:
gravy or biscuits.

loser seeks same

Reply to: anon-4422207@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Jun 24 19:05:38 2002


Fat, ugly, lazy, bitter, emotionally crippled, sexually frigid flake seeks similarly disfunctional male. Email me if you get the energy and I may reply.


convince me to break off my engagement

Reply to: anon-4162674@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jun 5 11:52:02 2002


do you have what it takes to convince me to break off my engagement??? getting cold feet


Single Asian Male Seeks Leftover Hot Asian Female

Reply to: anon-4442629@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jun 26 12:03:35 2002


If there are any Leftover Hot Asian Women who haven't had time to place a Seeking White Male ad, and haven't gotten around to replying to the Guy From Hillsborough Who Lived One Year in the Orient, then what the heck, this may be for you.

I'm a good looking, successful Asian male, 29, 6' tall, with a passion for the arts and diverse musical tastes and talent, great cook, love to travel/explore, read, host intimate parties with friends, non-fanatical love for sports and exercise, enjoy researching random periods of world history-holy crap what am I thinking...

Let me re-phrase (if you're still reading this):

Tall, Hot Rich Man (asian), late 20's, knows locations and operating hours of all the best Bay Area shopping malls. Drives a luxury sports car (or a sporty luxury car, you decide), it's three years old but still shiny and has those classy tinted windows. Have lots of white friends, in fact my best longtime buddy is Caucasian (that means white, doesn't have anything to do with "asian"), you can meet him. I also have lots of wonderful colored friends but all it takes is a re-format of my contact manager to change that. Able to hold an entire dinner conversation without once acknowledging our similar Asian-ethnic background. Like Italian food? Promise to take you to at least three important parties per night so you can tell your friends on the way out you "have somewhere else to go". I have two platinum credit cards I never use, and there's no room in my wallet because it's stuffed with cash (mostly 20s but often a few hundreds), maybe you should hold them. My cock is 7 1/2 inches long and thicker than my wallet on payday, which stands up pretty well against the world median average. If that's too much Pain Stick for you, I'm sure your lack of participation and effort when we copulate will keep it at half mast.

Unfortunately, I too have a penchant for Asian Women that are Hot. There should be one or two of you left over. You are now free to leave an emasculating message in
my inbox.

Are you dumb and vain?

Reply to: anon-4436350@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Jun 25 16:51:31 2002


Headline SWF 55 5'5" Undeniably bizare I'm the girl down the block with a flair for bad puns and west coast dis-interest With me it's what you see is what you get. I'm unpretentious, a little dry between the legs, and selfish - Ex boyfriends are the ones I'm saving a bullet for. I give 9-5 jobs a day but still love to on the weekends and occasionally spit it out.

Some stuff I like
- crab lice-
back seat driving -
picking at my teeth in public-
Drinking to the point of vomiting -
fast food -
my pet earwig -
giving the occasion BJ in the girlsroom at the uptown -
Penises (I have a major fetish for penises)
- My other pet earwig -
My favorite in the Trojans miniature pack is the Mr. Goodbar

I'm looking for a playmate in life who is emotionally stunted but fully capable of some playing around on me. I'm looking for a guy who will forget who I am after the 4th beer. I'm interested in someone between 18 and 50 with play time. doesn't piss or shit, is dishonest, cheats and is just like my last boyfriend.


You don't have to be a social outcast to be on CL

Reply to: anon-4016837@craigslist.org
Date: Fri May 24 14:47:25 2002


Happy spunky genuine and eligible bachelorette wants to meet a nice bachelor to get to know each other over the e-mails for now and for future romance.

Candidates interested are encouraged to reply with a photograph and answers for the following questionnaire.

1-1. Your name
1-2. List the people you live with at the moment
1-3. Name of the person you're still in love with right now
1-4. List the names of the people you fell in love with in the past
1-5. List the names of people you're dating currently
1-6. List the names of your ex-wives
1-7. Number of your children
1-8. List the names and the species of the pets you currently have

2-1. Your birth year
2-2. Your sign
2-3. Your height
2-4. Your weight
2-5. Your waist size
2-6. Your shoe size
2-7. Your IQ
2-8. Your blood type
2-9. List the diseases you had or currently have (Do you have herpes or HIV?)
2-10. Does your skin get easily bruised? (in the scale of 1-10, 10 being the thinest skin, what's the rate of your skin?)

3-1. Name the major(s) and the universities you graduated from (graduation year/major/degree)
3-2. List the names of jobs you've held in the past
3-3. Your occupation
3-4. Your birth place
3-5. Your parents' birth places
3-6. Name your siblings and your birth order
3-7. List your criminal records
3-8. List your current medication
3-9. List the brand names of your choice of chemicals such as alcohol, nicotine, caffeine and narcotic drugs
3-10. List your experiences with rehabs, mental hospitals, shrinks, AA or NA meetings
3-11. List the surgical operations you've had
3-12. List the disabilities you have
3-13. Percentage of your financial contribution in dating that you're comfortable with
(choose one: 100%, 90%, 80%,... 20%, 10%, 0%, - x% (wants to be paid for your time and work by your dating partner))

4-1. How many times did you vacuum your home in the past 30 days?
4-2. How many times did you cook your own dinner in the past 30 days? List the names of dishes you cooked.
4-3. How many times did you do the dishes in the past seven days?
4-4. How many times did you do your laundry in the past 30 days? How many times did you wash your bedding in the past month?
4-5. Where did you spend most of your money except for your home in the past 30 days?
4-6. Amount of time you spent working out, exercising, playing sports in the gym in the past seven days?
4-7. The highest record of your weight lifting
4-8. List the sports you played in the past 30 days
4-9. List the sports that you can play better than average
4-10. List the recreational activities you did in the past 30 days
4-11. List your hobbies
4-12. Number of times you had an intercourse in the past 30 days
4-13. Number of times you woke up with a creature next to you in the morning in the past 30 days
4-14. How many days did you drink in the last 30 days?
4-15. List top 7 activities that you spent most of your time in in the past 7 days

5-1. Name the people you admire
5-2. Name the people you despise
5-3. List your favorite restaurants in the Bay Area
5-4. List your favorite cities in the world and why
5-5. List the people you talked with more than an hour total in the past 7 days and the names of their affiliation
5-6. List the things you read in the past 30 days
5-7. List your favorite authors
5-8. List your favorite magazines
5-9. List 5 most prominent cases that made you outraged in your life.
5-10. Verbalize your obsession
5-11. List the television programs you watched in the past seven days
5-12. Pro-life or pro-choice?
5-13. Do you think your tax that could be spent for single mothers or the poor in general should be increased or decreased?
5-14. You're politically (conservative, liberal etc.) why?
5-15. Describe your view on Globalism
5-16. Describe your view on Terrorism and which road America should take

6-1. List your favorite artists
6-2. List the musical instruments that you can play including voice


*** About your preference in women ***
7-1. Range of height
7-2. Range of weight
7-3. Race
7-4. Range of age
7-5. Body type
7-6. Degree of education
7-7. Income level
7-8. You're looking for a female partner to
(A. have sexual adventure with
B. worship a goddess
C. accompany a best looking girl in a party to impress your friends and strangers
D. help you to attain your financial and status goals
E. have a sexual slave
F. to be appreciated of your integrity and benevolence by a sweet girl
G. have somebody to tell you what to do and motivate you
H. have someone subservient around who would give you unconditional love because it's lonely all by yourself
I. do all the outdoor activities you wished to do with somebody
J. have someone to take care of your chores
K. have someone to support you for the rest of your life
L. have a second income for financial security
M. Fondle and cuddle with every 5 minutes
N. make love with 3 times a day
O. have children with
P. have a back-up date #367 in your dating pool
Q. rant at and share your resentment with whom that would be impressed by your intelligence and sense of humor
R. change your life and have a mega ego boost of your lifetime by taking control over a far more able, successful and better looking person than you
S. be able to buy a home with the combined income
T. be accepted by old boys' club by forming an alliance with the type of woman the club members would want and approve
U. Other - explain)


Copyright (c) 2002 craigslist


I am Judas, prepare to destroyed.

Reply to: anon-2843985@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Feb 7 01:06:21 2002


Just tonight I sent this little hussy back to her husband with some tips on breathing and anxiety management. Who the f..k is next?

I am six foot one.
190
Look like prince William.

All you should send me is your photo. You won't allowed to say much anyway. I will be too busy incanting demons in latin and mauling your hind parts.


I'm the only one here that is not a BBW

Reply to: anon-2802502@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Feb 2 15:48:23 2002


Just because I am a stripper and shoot porn for a living doesn't mean that I don't desire respect and love. What the hell is wrong with being naked on the Internet? Guy's love it. So why don't guys love me? Am I too old already at 35?

A green-eyed redhead who desires respect, love and a steady boyfriend that I don't have to support.

If you believe in monogamy and romance and are not afraid of a commitment shoot me an email.

Save the pics and send words. I've seen enough dicks for a while.


Irreverant, Irrepressible Dwarf

Reply to: anon-2704307@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jan 23 08:29:08 2002


likes tennis, jazz
iso Mexican
(mildly disabled/mildly retarded ok)
for friendship, and more

looking for some coke in Marin

Reply to: anon-2680400@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Jan 20 17:08:54 2002


Wanting to do some coke tonight


ninja master seeks someone older than 110 to pleasure

Reply to: anon-2645449@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jan 16 15:02:40 2002


I am several hundred years old, and am looking for a magical, hermaphaditic sorceress to use spells and incantations to pleasure me sexually, and spiritually. She must be able to levitate, use gardening tools, repair wigs, climb inside of a tire and roll down hills for long distances, negotiate hostage situations, have hair like Robert Plant's, digest anything in the world, and she must also not be named Devon. I will not respond to emails from people named Devon. This foul name has plagued me for centuries. I have an annual income of $7.23 (before taxes) and can offer financial support and spiritual guidance. Being a ninja, it is quite difficult to find someone who can tolerate my violent, sociopathic nature, and furthermore, someone who can survive the pokings and proddings from my utility belt when we are making out. Therefore, my prospective mate must have a nearly invincible midsection. I am socially tactless, ugly, irreverent, and terrible in bed. (I have no genitaila most days of the week.) My own age and sex remains a mystery to me. Solving this mystery is a burden that my prospective significant other must undertake. Keep in mind that although now I have no STDs, within a few seconds from now I might contract every sexually transmitted disease known to man. (I am a magical Christian.) These diseases have a tendency to spring up on the unsuspecting internet user. The same goes to you, reader. For a response, please send a brief letter which includes a short discourse on powerboat rental ethics, as well as a vague, ambiguous personal description with no real tangible personal information. Thanks.
Devon


RE: Cut and pastes are for kindergarten - THEN REPLY BACK

Reply to: anon-2546340@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Jan 5 19:55:57 2002


YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY'RE CUT AND PASTE?? BECAUSE A MAJORITY OF THE POSTERS (W4M), DO NOT HAVE THE COMMON COURTESY TO EVEN SEND A SIMPLE REPLY WHEN THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED.

SO I POSE TO YOU... WHY THE HELL SHOULD A GOOD MAN SPEND ALL THAT TIME WRITING A PERSONAL TO YOU IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF EVEN SENDING A REPLY??

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND... YOU WOMEN ASK AND ASK AND ASK... BUT YET REFUSE TO EVEN GIVE BACK SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS A REPLY. I HOPE YOU FIND SOMEONE ABUSIVE.

GUARANTEED: BRYAN OR WHOMEVER FROM CRAIGSLIST WILL BE DELETING THIS POST SOON BECAUSE SOME WOMAN IS GOING TO FLAG THIS. WHAT'S THE MATTER? THE TRUTH STINGS TOO MUCH???


Small-Dicked GWM for NURSES EXAM

Reply to: anon-2479605@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Dec 27 17:21:06 2001


Gay guy seeks physical exam from nurse. I'm mid-30s, a bit chubby, hairy chest, small dick (a cub build if you know what that means). You can do it alone or with friends, for fun or for real practice. Expect me nude and at your mercy.

Other than that, this isn't a sexual thing, just a scenario for fun! Let me know if you're interested, thanks.


Haggish, Embittered Angry Chick Seeks Arrogant, Self Centered Man

Reply to: anon-2363312@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Dec 10 15:07:52 2001


I mean, why gloss over our issues, why not *wallow* in them?


Free Spelling Lessons for all CL Posters

Reply to: anon-2319779@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Dec 5 00:21:14 2001

Let me introduce you to a few of my friends. They've been abused of late, and I'd like to set the record str8.
your
a possessive adjective. as in, your beautiful cock
you're
a contraction of 'you' and 'are'. as in, you're biting my beautiful cock
definitely
an adjective. as in, definitely don't want me no ugly chicks
definately
does not exist. not a word. you know you're a redneck if...
there
Pronunciation: '[th]ar, '[th]er . . .Function: adverb
1 : in or at that place <stand over there> -- often used interjectionally
as in, Where? Over there!
their
Pronunciation: [th]&r, '[th]er, '[th]ar . . .Function: adjective
1 : of or relating to them or themselves especially as possessors, agents, or objects of an action <their furniture> <their verses> <their being seen>
as in, Their pad is da bomb!
they're
a contraction of 'they' and 'are. as in, They're amazing cock suckers!
discreet vs. discrete
discreet
Pronunciation: di-'skrEt
Function: adjective
1 : having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech : PRUDENT; especially : capable of preserving prudent silence
discrete
Pronunciation: dis-'krEt, 'dis-"
Function: adjective
1 : constituting a separate entity : individually distinct
2 a : consisting of distinct or unconnected elements : NONCONTINUOUS b : taking on or having a finite or countably infinite number of values <discrete probabilities> <a discrete random variable>
synonym see DISTINCT
hint: you want the first one (discreet) as in, My wife would prefer we keep this affair discreet.
losers vs. loosers (thanks to Joseph for this one!)
losers
Main Entry: los·er
Pronunciation: 'lü-z&r
Function: noun
Date: 1548
1 : one that loses especially consistently
so, plural form
loosers
well.... 'nuf said :)
uninhibited vs. uninhabited
uninhibited
Pronunciation: "&n-in-'hi-b&-t&d
Function: adjective
Date: 1880: free from inhibition
uninhabited
Main Entry: inhabited
Function: adjective
Date: 15th century: having inhabitants
so, the opposited of 'having inhabitants' would be 'not having inhabitants'
hint: you want the first one (uninhibited) as in, Need a girl next door who's completely uninhibited with my pet boa.
' vs. "
'
used to indicate foot units. as in, 6' tall, blonde hair, blue eyes
"
used to indicate inch units. as in, my well-equipped tool stands hard as granite at 6"
and, YES! I've seen a request for a man "...with a 9' tool to satisfy my wife!" I speak as a normally wild, daring, adventurous woman: "OUCH!!!"


abbreviations
str8
meaning, straight
st8
doesn't work. unless you're talking about The Great State of California, don't drop the 'r'.
hetero
meaning, heterosexual, straight.
hetro
doesn't work. not a straight variant of retro.
-- with lots of luv to my favorite group of entertainers!

i need a dyke with a truck and some free time to help me move

Reply to: anon-2275992@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Nov 29 12:21:35 2001


here's the deal..i'm a femme that was just in a car accident and i need to move back into the city. i'm moving on the 8th (sat in dec) and i can help but i need some dyke or two to help me with some of the bigger stuff, there isn't much furniture but a good amount of boxes. I'm willing to pay you for your time and truck or van use, and cover the cost of gas ..unless you'd just be willing to help this femme for free..*wink wink* in which case i'll definatley cook you breakfast before we start moving and and a nice kiss...alright so i don't care what i have to do i just need some help and a truck...if your interested email me i need to know as soon as possible so serious people only..thanks..mandie

I have the body of an adonis..the looks of Brad pitt..and a coc.......

Reply to: anon-2232635@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Nov 24 02:05:00 2001


cock the size of your little finger. But I'm intelligent...so good looking..in fact I'm brilliant...I'm so funny..so rich..so in love with myself...that only a woman on craigslist could like me more than I like myself. Listen up women...I'm that man you all seem to be looking for...Handsome..smart...great personality...other than a dick the size of a peanut...I'm practically perfect.
so...send me your picture and we shall have a wonderful romantic evening.


why are all the white chicks so heavy? i mean fat..

Reply to: anon-2222558@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Nov 21 18:39:23 2001


i've read some ads and alot of the white chicks are overweight.
250lbs??

i'm a SWM and i'm amazed at the weight situation on white women.


clown girl

Reply to: anon-2221433@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Nov 21 15:23:39 2001


christian clown girl seeking a fellow traveler on the lord's path.

I'm not the one you want

Reply to: anon-2221423@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Nov 21 15:23:52 2001


Looking at all the postings today is making my stomach hurt...and my head.

I've concluded I'm probably not anything you'd want. From what I can see, ladies here are making bold statements about:
1. Free sex to whoever is horny because they are.
2. Sex for pay and sugar daddies are in demand.
3. Asian women only wanting white guys, what's up with that???
4. Women in groups that are really men in disguise, who are athletic, tall, and do it all just like a guy??? Wonder when their female hormones will kick in. Oh yes, maybe when they get pregnant.
5. Women looking for prince charming, and he must be a tall one.
6. Women looking for a sex god, a perfect man, or the best lover in the world.

Well, I am not involved in any of the above issues or rants, and tomorrow I will be really thankful. I am a mid-40's woman who has seen it all and done just about all of it, and a lot of it with Craigsmen. So, what does that tell you? Not much I'm sure.



HEY LADIES
Reply to: anon-1667574@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Sep 2 06:26:23 2001


Hey ladies. If you have some extra cash and would like to assist me in cheatin on my wife today could be your lucky day. I am a religous man with convictions. Most of them happen to be felony convictions but I learned a lot in the pen and can show you the ways of the world. I know I sound too good to be true, but I really am that fly. Well got to get back to my anger management class so hurry up and send that picture and your pin number for your bank card.


RE: hot girl looking for generous$ gentleman

Unabashedly high maintenance girl wants unbelievably rich, good