.

 

 

it was a good day (circa 1978)

How I would improve reality TV

creationism vs. dinosaurs

 

More reality tv show improvements-

Also I have been watching the new season of P. Diddy's Making The Band. Normally i am not suprised if tv is ass.but if the premise of your show is "Let's torture R&B singers" and it is STILL boring. . . that is just a mind-boggling fuckup. how is that even possible? Let's face it, R&B singers need to be tortured all the time, ever. but, because of the way music is totally denuded of anything like creativity, emotion, and life, the show still was dull. It's all, do this dance step, sing these lyrics, hit that note, faster faster! Basically it has turned into a job, albeit one where nobody gets paid. So it's got that going on too!

My favorite scene was where the contestants split into 4 groups of 4 and performed short acapella auditions for mr. Diddy. Not one of them did anything fun, like Pounding on a girl's back to make her sound like a motorboat when she takes a solo, or playing air guitar, whipping live king crabs out of their underpants and using ventriliquism to make it seem like the crabs are hitting the high notes, or doing an R and b version of "springtime for hitler," . . .which actually it might be more fun to see an r and b version of Millions of Dead Cops' JOHN WAYNE WAS A NAZI. For the finale they could all stagedive on the producers and go to jail. NOW THAT'S TEEVEE, MOTHERFUCKER!

actually what would be REALLY amazing would be a r and b version of fucking DIAMANDA GALAS. One of her trademark shrieking avant-garde feedback greek dirges about aids. basically she makes Yoko Ono look like Patsy Cline. Can you imagine that? "Hi Puffy, thank you for this wonderful opportunity to show our EEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIEII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Failing that, what if they did that thing that crazy Indian tabla drummers do where they do a whole drum solo with their mouth, complete with hyperspeed polyrhythms and like going from 6/13 to 5/9 and back while just staring at each other from 3 inches away and yelling "Dha Dha te te dha dha tuna tunA" in perfect fucking unison. Actually I am not making this up. It's apparently called "saying the bols."

But in the final analysis, I think the worst thing about Puff Deedily's MTB is that most of the kids looked stone sober. Frankly, if they were so drunk they could barely stand, I would be watching it every night. Plus, now that I think about it, MK-ULTRA'S MAKING THE BAND would be fucking awesome. In order to get more young people to sign up, the CIA sposors a band audition, then secretly doses the contestants with toxic amounts of lsd and dimethyltryptamine. At first, they think the nausea is just their nervousness, but when was the last time people got so nervous their pores all opened up and started screaming? And the screaming WAS OFF KEY! AND HAD NO PIZAZZ!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO LOSE FOR SURE!!! And then right in the middle of the song from Titanic, they start to actually drown, and suddenly eels are coming up out of the ocean and sliding under their skin. Medics are waiting with stretchers, four-point restraints and rubber tubes to stick in the mouth to prevent anyone from biting her own tongue off.

Ok, here is another one - PUNK MAKING THE BAND. Get like 100 punks and tell them, "Look, we don't care if you can sing or play guitar good. Talent is very mainstream. and besides, how can we be sure you really mean it about smashing the system? We hate posers here! That's why instead of auditioning on stage, I'm sending you out into the city. By this time tomorrow, anyone who has not punched a cop or burned down a bank will be cut. Any questions?" again, this is classic tv. Way more interesting to watch than my other idea, TECHNO MAKING THE BAND, which is basically some overweight flamboyantly gay nerd with a too-tight, stained tshirt lecturing the contestants, who are all inanimate drum machines and Protools. But, this being a Making The Band, he's super drill-seargant about it : "you call that sequencing? You call that quantizing? Excuse me, honey, I have quantized better stools than that!" "Ok, who wants to make some technooooo!! I can't hear you! I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! Ok, guys, if you are not going to take this seriously we can just stop right now."

also, I would like to do a ROCK version of Making The Band, which I assume would be called Making The Band Rock. IT would still have the same boot-camp atmosphere as the MTV one, except in my show, there would at no time be any actual music. You would have a few totally haggard burnouts like Ace Frehley or Phil Spector or Rick James, or one of the less famous, embittered Halens, marching around with riding crops, yelling, "snort this whole pile! If you overdose you will be cut! none of that wishy-washy, talent-show popularity-contest bullshit. Just, whoever lives is the winner. You can go back to your mama or go to the emergency room, but either way you are OUT OF HERE." "WHAT?? YOU CALL THAT SNORTING?? I'LL SHOW YOU SNORTING, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

Whoever survived the first round snort-off would go on to the next contest - Playing A Small Very Conservative Redneck Town In Mississippi And Getting Arrested For Indecent Exposure. Anyone who did not get sent to jail would be cut. Again, no music would be necessessary for this scene, but I have the feeling that the winning contestant would go that extra mile and write a special song, such as "Exposing My Gay Penis To Stem Cells Of An Athiest Abortion. . .Which Is Evolving."

There would also, needless to say, be Whammy Bar consultants and Guitar Face therapists. The remaining contestants would be told, "Ok, you pussies! Let's face it, most rock stars have vast vast amounts of STDs from years of sex with people they cannot remember. To do what we do day in and day out requires absolutely ignoring the huge pain emanating from our grotesque loins 24/7. to see if you can handle this, we will be making you perform live tonight for one hour, while wearing chastity belts wired to deliver constant 100 volt shocks."

And, if anyone survives that (plus the Paternity Suit segment, the Creative Differences segment and the Plane Crash), the final challenge is, Who Can Do The Best Live On-Stage Total Freak-out, Screaming And Cursing The Audience, Until The Promoters Have To Cancel The Show. Points would be awarded based on the amount, in dollars, of damage done by the ensuing riot. Also for passing out in your own piss. Points deducted for every song actually finished before the freak-out. "YOU DON'T KNOW MAH DADDY! YAH COCKSHUCKERSH! GUG YEW. . AH MEAN, FUG YEW, YOU DON'T .. .. YOU DON'T (BGLLLEAAHHHH) KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HEY WHAT? YOU GOT SHOMETHING TO SHAY? TOUGH GUY? WELL, GET DOWN HERE, PUSSY! IT'S THE JEWSH, MAN! THE JEWSH ARE DOING IT TO. . .(sobbing) I got a paternity suit, plus alimony. . WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE? YOU FUGGERS!! DON'T LOOK AT ME!! FON'T DON'T LOOG AT MEEEEIEEEEEEEIEEE!!!" (dragged off stage by bouncers)

The winner I mean, how cool would that be?? And the people who finally won and got to Be The Band. . . as soon as they win, they are all sued by their new record label for all the costs of making the tv show, plus the costs of lawsuits filed by the families of the deceased losers, plus all their master tapes are stolen and sold on the internet via Napster. Yes yes yes mmmm tv.

 

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IT WAS A GOOD DAY, (CIRCA 4 TH GRADE, 1978)

After school, leap off the bus and tear-ass home.

Get my snack on -- Graham-cracker-and-peanut-butter-sandwitches, and to drink? Tang dissolved in milk!

Kick the soccer ball up the steep hill and it would roll back down. . . because I Lived in the countryside, so there weren’t any other kids to play with. Or juggle the soccer ball like Pele, using knees and shins too. Kept telling myself if I could get to 100 then I would humiliate the school bully by winning the imaginary “soccer ball juggling championship”. Eventually get bored and kick it as high as I could, down towards my house, watching the huge arc the ball made, seeming to go even higher compared to the steep downhill grade of the hill, my most spectacular non-imaginary display of 9 year old power.

Then, tv ? captain cosmic, goldar and silvar, ultraman, captain scarlett, with chocolate chip cookies in the mix or better yet, tangerine sherbet (don’t spoil your dinner!)

Then put on my space helmet and tear-ass around the outside of the house with a ray-gun playing space. Used to make my own custom ray-guns out of Lego.

Toys ? shogun warriors, micronauts! Shoguns were totally expensive, but micronauts were a total bargain at k-mart, and, compared to GI Joes, micronauts had hella more poses you could do, plus their comic book was way better also. Another fun game was,“Dig a hole and fill it with water from the hose.” The rocky volcanic terrain around the house made hole-digging problematic but it was ideal for Green army men battles!!

Chores ? weeding in my dad’s huge garden, getting a quarter for every hefty-bag full of leaves I raked up, and watering mom’s big collection of indoor plants.

Then, dinner. Fuck no I am not going to eat my vegetables. Fine then, maybe I WILL stay here all night until I am done. M*A*S*H is a rerun anyway.

After dinner, bath. Hella tiny toy boats and The Big Battleship with moveable gun turrets. When I get out it is hella cold so I run wildly up to my room and sit in the center of the dark room with linoleum floors and I am on a tiny sun-shaped knit rug naked basking in the intimate red glow of the space-heater. My body curled around it for warmth, like a second woumb. That's what i got instead of hugs!

Maybe read the monster manual or some x-men.

Then, bed. Insomnia and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lying down, for hours every night, rolling my head back and forth on the pillow, and singing to myself making up melodies. Dr. don rose on KFRC. “Why dr. don, you son-of-a-(BEEP)!”

Radio right next to the bed, turned on as low as it will go, to test my ears.

One whole side of my room was windows, so every morning I would wake up to light streaming in colored bright golden by the curtains. Waste most of the before-school time in front of the space-heater again, then quickly tear around getting my breakfast on and brushing my teeth with a hysterical, violent ferocity. go walk to the school bus. Lived in the countryside so I’d have to walk like 20 minutes to get to the bus stop. All the neighborhod kids standing in a group and mercilessly scrutinizing whoever showed up next. That sucked. Ride the bus to school, hoping the bullies wouldn’t pick on me. Bus driver all playing top 40 radio ? paul maccartney and wings, dancing queen, and the song “my my miss american pie” which seemed to be in hourly rotation for every single day of my elementary school bus-rides. I tended to gravitate to the more hard-rocking stuff such as journey and foreigner.

At school, recess with achilles bronnemann, a first-generation swiss immigrant with a vast collection of smurfs and a yacht, and dana and eric moes. Dana was a hyperintelligent kid from a huge family of mostly adopted refugee and handicapped kids, headed by his biological computer-programmer parents. Eric was short, chubby and the quintissential spaz whose body seemed to naturally and constantly generate the kind of sugar high that most of us only got from eating froot loops. Achilles and dana would be the core of the group, and play eric off against me, alternately including one of us and excluding the other for their amusement. We would all sit and draw proto-comics of disembodied eyeballs, whoever got the muscles right was the coolest ? and of hyperviolent hamsters; our attempt to both embrace and reject the cuteness which we were in the process of outgrowing.

At recess ? four square! No liners, no take-overs, and no tea-parties which were a problem mostly when girls got in the mix. Or, kick the soccer ball to your friends, which would only last until one of the bullies asked to see the ball “for a second” and then kicked it as hard as he could in the opposite direction. Somehow we never thought to team up on him even though there was like 3 or 4 of us. Then there was “let’s play space” on the jungle gym. . . climbing to the top and imagining it like the prow of a literal space Ship, cruising at great speed through the eternal void, me staring bravely ahead.

In class, always getting busted for drawing while the teacher was talking. I would always offer the same defense ? “I can listen and draw at the same time!” math, which was ok. I ruled the times tables but absolutely hated long division. My teachers said I did it the baby way and I had to learn to do it the grown-up way, although after graduating high school I never once long-divided. I remember in 6 th grade I read the whole dante’s inferno, loving the satanic violence and gustav dore’s insanely detailed illustrations. Skipped the footnotes, though. Tried purgatory and gave up ? not enough blood. As for heaven, forget it. My teacher asked me what I was reading, expecting me to say like “my little pony” or something. I said, dante’s inferno. She looked me right in the eye and said, “No you are not.” Just like that, end of discussion.

 

 

 

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Dinosaurs vs. creationism:

Why do Christians pick fights about dinosaurs?

Like, out of all the things in the bible, why are dinosaurs so freaking important?

I always thought the point of organized religion was to help people have good morals. To help them navigate the moral crises of everyday life. For example, “this guy owes me $4,000 bucks. He’s not paying it back. Should I accept the loss or should I get drunk, go to his trailer with a tire iron, and start smashing shit?” or, “I’m happily married but lately I’ve been attracted to another man. How do I deal with this?” or, “my elderly father just passed away. How can I cope?” THIS is the shit that religion is supposed to deal with.

Have you ever met anyone who, in the throes of a moral quandary, made their decision based on the age of the freaking earth? Like, “Well, the earth is over 4,000 years old, so I’ll bash his head in with the tire iron.” Or, “well, the brontosaurus really existed, so I’ll sleep with the guy.”

What the hell???

At least when Christians pick fights with violent video games or sexy movies, you can see how morality has something to do with it.

I mean, creationism is trying to defeat science with ‘facts.’ That’s like Stephen hawking turning down a chess contest and insisting on a wrestling match. Not only is this doomed, but even if it was successful, who the hell wants a fact-based religion??? Boooring. Instead of tyring to kick ass in the one field it’s bound to fail at, the Christians should change the battlefield to the one thing SCIENCE is failing at: morality. A good pro-christ, anti-science argument would go something like this:

“Science offers us two visions of the world: mechanistic determinism without free will, and quantum fluctuations which are basically random and therefore ALSO without free will. So, if there is no God and no free will, why should we be nice to each other? If there’s no God and the bible is just another book, why shouldn’t I cheat on my wife? Can someone explain, using only science, why I shouldn’t just steal your car and go to Vegas drunk and sell your car to some pimps and then use the money to play blackjack? Why should I work my ass off trying to get rich the old-fashioned way when I could just sell cocaine? And if there is no free will, how can we say that the murderer, the child molester, the racist or the war criminal are responsible for their actions?

Sure, the great majority of scientists are not wanton robbers or libertine, cross-country-killing-spree hijackers. But is that because they have some mathematical-type proof that one ought to be nice? Or is it just because they are a bunch of nerds that would not be able to rob and rape without getting their scrawny asses kicked?

So, stick with christainity. If nothing else, you’re more likely to stay out of jail.”

THIS is why I would make such a kick-ass preacher, if my other get-rich-quick schemes fail.

 

 

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SEXISM STILL BAD!

(JSYK : in this article I am not talking about college days, but adult life)

there is way more dude scientists and artists than wymyn scientist and artists. Much has been written about how this is sexist. To which I could not agree more : it is sexist against GUYS! At this point you may be forgiven for just rolling your eyes and thinking, “OK, here he goes again, just talking shit,” but bear with me. It is sexist against men because if a lady is in a band (or at a science conference for that matter) she will find herself surrounded by 80% guys. However, if a guy is in a band (or a science conference), he will find himself surrounded by 80% guys. If you are an hetero, the problem here should be pretty easy to see.

Of course some of this gender imbalance is the guys' fault. But I really think that, in 2005, you will have a hard time finding a guy who still says “Girls can't rock!” or “Girls can't factor a polynomial!” Mostly I think there is a gender imbalance because when a lady sees a good musician/artist she doesn't think, “Shit, man, I can do that! I'ma start practising 4 hours a day!” . . . she is more likely to think “I wonder if he's single?”

Don't lie. You know what I'm talking about.

The few women who DO go into creative fields get boyfriends pretty quickly, whereas the guys (ok, straight guys) find that our creativity works against us -- we are too weird for “normal” women and there is too few weird women to go around.

Why do women complain about male-dominated fields? Every straight guy I know would LOVE to be in a room that is dominated by women. But where can we get the opportunity?? What, I am supposed to go to the church picnic? I am supposed to give up going to punk shows and start going to the fucking aromatherapy workshop and pretend I am interested in scented bath-candles?? Not exactly the same, is it?

This status quo hurts women, too. For every lonely he-nerd spending $100 on porn, there is like 2 lonely women spending $100 on designer shoes or fad diets, as if shopping will make her a better person. God, that sounds so “sophmore humanities student” but it is true. Plus I totally messed up the plurals but I have a crippling hangover and can't be bothered. To reiterate -- there is no need for a lady in 2005 to bust her ass trying to “look nice” or keep up with trends! A lady can get a steady boyfriend way quicker with a drum set or a lab coat-and-calculator than she can with a gallon of hairspray and Chanel pumps. Not to mention that brainy girls are more interesting and fun to be with! And of course, one can be totally feminine AND creative if that is your thing.

So what exactly is the fucking hold-up, ladies?

because i am sick of waiting for the Crazy Girl Of My Dreams. . .

 

 

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THE BRAIN-DAMAGED HAVE A LESSON TO TEACH US ALL.

One of the most fascinating things I have ever heard, was a story about a scientific study. The participants were all people who had suffered an odd form of brain damage: the left lobe and the right lobe had been disconnected. These people aren't retarded or anything, but when they read something using their left brain, the right brain literally has no memory of it. So the scientists would give the left brain some instruction, such as “leave the room and wait outside please.” And then when the person went outside, they would ask the person, “why did you go outside?” and the person would invariably give some normal, sane-sounding answer such as “well, I was thirsty and I wanted to get a glass of water.” Or “I just wanted to stretch my legs a bit.” EVEN THOUGH THIS ANSWER WAS DEMONSTRABLY FALSE. THE PERSON BELIEVED IT WAS TRUE!!

The point, of course, is that normal people do shit every day for hidden reasons, or no reason at all. We do shit, and THEN we make up some kind of rationalization for it, and we persuade ourselves that the reason came before the action. And we honestly believe this delusion, and that is how we go about our daily lives.

Ok, has anybody else heard of this study? Can you email me and tell me where the official report of the study is? Because I sure as hell can't remember where I read this, but I swear it is true.

Anyway, (and here I am moving from Shit I Read to New Shit I Am Just Making Up), I think that this randomness and self-delusion applies not only to our everyday actions, but to the labels we give ourselves too. Like, people say, Oh, I am a football fan. I am an indie rocker. Blablabla. I am a metalhead, so therefore I hate fans of Michael Bolton. I like michael bolton so therefore I hate goths. All this kind of high school bullshit. And yet even after people supposedly grow up, they still keep in cliques. I'm a Republican. I am a Muslim, so I hate jews. Blablabla. And of course people can come up with pages and pages of reasons and arguments of WHY their group is better than the other guy's group.

But it's all bullshit.

Basically you are a member of a group because they are a surrogate family; people you can talk to, people that accept you; people whom you have something in common with. And that “SOMETHING” is totally fucking arbitrary. Whether that “something” is stamp-collecting or scientology or marxism or cb radio or the Skull And Bones society, it DOESN'T MATTER. All the “somethings” have the same function, which is to give your lonely ass some friends in this big cold world.

You did not join the Punk group because they are the “only ones with balls to stand up to the fucking system, man”. You joined because they were the only ones who would HAVE YOU. You did not become a football fan because “The NFL is the most manly, exciting sport ever” ? you are a football fan because that is the first group that would HAVE YOU. You could just as easily have become a stamp collector or some guy who recreates civil war battles, or gets together with pals to fly motorized planes sculpted out of balsa fucking wood. Deal with it. The hobby itself is just an excuse, a rationalization. The primary motivation is the bone-deep instinct of humans to find COMMUNITY. And this distaste for the hobbies/political parties/religions of the Other Guys is one of the main ways that a community defines itself. All your arguments and reasons why your group rules are just like some brain-damaged guy saying “well, I left the room to get a glass of water.”

A great example of what I am talking about : DOCTOR DEATH. This is a documentary about a man who makes lethal injection machines for a living. (warning ? this synopsis contains spoilers). it is an amazing job and he is a fascinating, if kind of lonely and awkward, guy. But then midway through the documentary, he starts talking about how the holocaust never happened. And you're like, did he just say that?? And it turns out he is a professional Denier. He was totally non?political. But then some neo-nazis approached him because of his experience with forensics. They paid him to go to some concentration camp and test for residue of Zyklon B. then he became a denier, and because of that, he lost his job working for the US prison system. So now he lives out of a suitcase and tours around the country speaking to fellow Deniers for a small fee. And here's the thing that makes the documentary brilliant ? it doesn't show the guy as a nazi dickhead. He isn't motivated by a hatred of Jews. He was just a lonely guy, and the nazis were the only people reaching out to him. And of course, it became this vicious cycle where they cost him his other friends and his job, but this just drove him deeper into their arms. Maybe you can't see the brain-damaged behavior in your own life but because DR. Death is such an extreme case, it is easy to see how community is a powerful allure, and how the need for community is the emotional motivator behind a lot of so-called “rational thought.” (end spoiler)

So what can we learn from this? Everybody, just lighten up. With your religious wars and your music bickering and your fashion bitching. You could just as easily have BEEN one of the Other Guys, because you are human and humans will jump in with the first damn group to offer them a home, because we are weak and lonely and the world is big and cold.

 

 

Also, happy new year.

 

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Iron chef rap

I don't think that getting a major label deal should be based on if you were REALLY in jail, the number of times you have been shot, or how many tattoos you have. Nor how good you look in a video, whether you knew 2pac, or who makes your fucking beats. All that should matter is just talent, and that is why I think all rappers should get dropped from all labels starting now. Just, boom, start over from scratch. Tear up everyone's contracts. Make the old pros compete with young unknowns and prove their worth, and award major contracts only to those who pass the test. What test am I talking about? RAP IRON CHEF. that's right. On the japanese IRON CHEF tv show, they give these 2 chefs some nasty ingredients (baboon ass, mayonaise, wasabi, and Monterey Jack. “ok guys, make a caserrole with that!”) and the chefs have like 30 minutes in order to ‘freestyle' a good-tasting meal out of the nasty ingredients. In the end the judges eat the 2 meals and decide the winner.

RAP IRON CHEF would do the same thing ? give both MCs some random, non-cliche topic out of the encyclopedia (“polar bears”, “Socratic discourse”, “aztec civilization”) and then they would have 30 minutes to write a rap about it. This would strip away all the bullshit of the industry ? no videos, no beats, no r&b singers, no image, no cliche rhymes about gats or the price of fame, etc. just show-and-prove. OK, maybe the encyclopedia is too hard, but the point being; if you are a real rapper you should be able to rhyme on any topic at any time. The rapper could use the topic X as a metaphor, or could try to do a story-telling rhyme where X is a character, or an exposition rhyme that just explains what X IS. . . however they want to approach it is cool, as long as they don't blow off the subject and rhyme about some easy bullshit. Reference materials would, of course, be provided. Pick up your number two pencils now. And. . . go!

To spice things up, they could use other ‘ingredients' besides topics. Maybe give both rappers the same hard-to-rhyme word (“paramecium”, “Columbia”, “battleship Potempkin”) and see who could find the most rhymes for it. Or, give both rappers the same set of rhyming words (“cartoon/macaroon, fuselage/mucelage, wood panelling/spirit channeling”) and make them REVERSE ENGINEER a coherent narrative from those rhyming words. It would be so amazing to see how a horrorcore rapper and an abstract/backpack guy do different interpretations of the same thing. I mean, come on.

Then they perform their hastily-composed raps for the judges, who declare the winner. But unlike the regular IRON CHEF, on RAP IRON CHEF the loser could appeal the decision by challenging the judges to a freestyle battle. This would be a very desparate gambit because the judges would be some formidable motherfuckers like KRS-ONE and CHUCK D and RASS KAS. But if an MC is fearless enough he can do like a 45 second freestyle which busts on the judges. Then the judges would have 45 seconds to bust back, of course, with the winner to be decided by the audience.

And that, in a nutshell, is RAP IRON CHEF. that's the kind of shit I would like to see.

 

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In a June 26 speech today, given at the Knesset, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had this to say:

-------

The Israel/ Palestine situation is one of the biggest moral quagmires of all time. Almost everything is shades of grey: who is responsible for the violence? Is it justifiable to shoot back at guys using kids as human shields? Is suicide bombing worse than helicopter airstrikes that kill civilians? Does Israel's increased violence suppress the Intifada or increase it further? How much are the neighboring Arab states responsible for the Palestinians' health and welfare? Which side is G-d on? Is one morally obligated to negotiate with people that one knows one can't trust? What will we do when there are more Palestinians than Jews living in Israel? But amidst this huge and turbulent fog of unanswerable questions, there is one moral absolute: settlers are assholes.

That's right. I don't give a FUCK what it says in the torah about the temple of the rock or about the chosen people. Here's what it says in MY torah: SETTLERS ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES THAT SMELL, SAYETH THE LORD. AND THEY GOT NO MAMA.

I mean, what else do you call someone who serves no purpose other than to stir up shit with the enemy? flout the law, and destroy any hope of reconciliation and equality. And that's not ME talking, that's THEM talking!

We kicked the Palestinians out of Israel and put them on little shanty-towns, and said, “ok, you guys at least can live here.” And then the settlers come in and say, “well, no,. Now that we think about it, we're going to take THIS land too.”

Not only do they hate arabs, they also hate regular Jews--you know, the 98% of Israelis that AREN'T settlers. They hate us because we're not a bunch of Moses Freaks and we don't want to have a race-war by Tuesday. Somehow we're not JEWISH ENOUGH. To them, we're only good for one thing: saving their ass when their Palestinian neighbors decide to assassinate them a little. They're all like, getting up in the arabs' faces and being all ‘NANNY NANNY NYAH NYAHH!' and expect US to take the consequences when the arabs get mad? Can you think of another country on Earth where the government would tolerate this bullshit?

Every day we spend like a million bucks, or sheckles or rubles, or whatever it is we use out here, we spend like a million of them guarding these little ungrateful fucks. Not only that but young Israeli army guys on ‘settler babysitting duty' risk death all the time just so that settlers can yell ethnic slurs at their arab neighbors. Meanwhile, the religious nuts don't have to put their kids in the army because Yahwey wants their precious little Moishe to study at Yeshiva all day. Suck my circumcised, Prime Ministerial shlong!! So it's Hellenists dying to protect the fanatics from the conflict they're trying so desperately to start. Because of the ‘Babysitting Patrol', Palestinians know they can't usually fuck with the settlers, so who do they kill instead? Regular Israelis! You know, US. The people who don't have enough clout to have 4 Mossad agents walk us to school and back every day.

And, as if that weren't retarded enough, they're teaching their KIDS to be violent bigots too, AND using their kids as human shields. Let me explain about that: even if we didn't want to protect the crazy adults, they know we are not going to stand by and let innocent kids get massacred by Palestinians. You cowardly fucks!! you hate Hamas? You're acting just LIKE Hamas!! Not only the children-as-shields, but the ‘G-d is on our side' and the ‘we can't have 2 states or any compromise' and of course the ‘dying makes me a fucking martyr' complex. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah, their shared hatred for the 98% of Jews in Israel.

And what's up with saying G-d wants all the Palestinians kicked out anyway? Back in the day, the super-orthodox Jews were saying Israel shouldn't even exist because the torah says ‘yo, you can't have Israel back until AFTER the messiah.' Now they're saying ‘G-d says Israel is SO BADASS we can't share it with anyone' well which is it, you cocks? It seems the only constant with you people is, you hate the Israeli government. Why don't the settlers and the wait-for-the-messiah freaks just go in a little room and argue with EACH OTHER all day and leave the rest of us alone?? That would be so sweet; Professor Griff could be the moderator.

And when we try to take them off the settlements, they get all hectic and start fighting the cops. Fuck it! They don't like the cops? Fine, we'll take the cops away and let them do it themselves. Why should they, the Chosen People Squared, have to put up with the mean repressive cops?

That's why, on Wednesday at exactly 11:38 AM, I'm pulling all the troops out of the Beth Shlamakel settlement on the Gaza Strip.

If you love your kids, send them back to Grandma's house in Brooklyn, NOW. If you let your kids get martyred, then the whole world will know what a cowardly fuck you are. And to Hamas, Hezbollah, the PLO, and the other wanna-be Al Quaeda motherfuckers out there, let me say this: if you get all trigger-happy and start shooting our soldiers as they're retreating, or killing kids that are getting sent to Grandma's, then I won't pull troops out of any more settlements, and it's your fault. But if you act nice and save the slaughter until after 11:38, then I'll keep pulling troops out of other settlements until there are none left. I'm explaining it nice and simple so you can hear it even if you have plastic explosives wedged into your ears.

Settlers want a war; Palestinians want to kill Jews, fine.
You assholes can go smoke each other.
Everyone's happy.
Peace through violence.
I got news for you guys: you won't last 5 minutes without us ‘stinking traitor Hellenists.'
Have fun meeting the G-d you love so much.

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BIKES AND SAN FRANCISCO

I love my bike, my bike named BIZZLE. I keep riding it even though I've been taken to the police station once and hassled half-a-dozen times. I ride it even when it's faster to take the train. Even when it's dangerous as hell. Most importantly, I ride it just for fun.

But I never would have discovered the joys of bicycling if I had stayed in California, and here is the reason : BAY AREA BIKERS ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES.

ALL OF THEM.

YES, YOU TOO. . .

. . . ASSHOLE!

Self-righteous, smug, irritating, spandex-girded assholes with gay little helmets and dreadlocks while discoursing at semi-lucid length about the evils of gas, man. NO BLOOD FOR OIL! And so on. Which is, in fact, perfectly valid. But I guess their mama never told them, ‘it's not what you say, but how you say it.' And saying it in a holier-than-thou tone that Jerry Falwell himself would covet, is not going to make me want to own a bike (except maybe as a hood ornament).

To understand about the bike-martyr mentality, first you have to understand about bay area politics. The problem is not bikes per se, but the insane proliferation of coalitions in the bay area. Normal cities have blocs of well-organized voters that politicians have to pander to: irish, Italians, African-Americans, Jews, Catholics. But S.F. (apparently not content with having way more religious and ethnic voter blocs than most cities) also has legions of single-issue groups who ACT like militant ethnic groups: Non-smokers, smokers, the legendary ‘AIDS-is-a-hoax' phalange of ACT UP, transsexual postoffice workers, the Allergic To Hair Products, atheist soccer dads, etc. And every single-issue coalition group appropriates not only the organization and militancy of the civil rights groups, but the sense that We Are Righting History's Greatest Wrongs.

You get off-the-leash-dog-walker-guy who is absolutely convinced he's the Mahatma Ghandi of off-the-leash-dog-walkers, and the non-smoker who will tell you that Martin Luther King was just a whiner because everyone knows non-smokers are the single most discriminated and voiceless group in earth's history, and then you have the Bike Martyrs, who go even farther: not only are they the single most discriminated, despised, denied, misunderstood, mal-treated and persecuted group, but they are THE ONE GROUP STANDING BETWEEN US AND THE TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF EARTH. Like the comic-book heroes, X-men, bike guys believe they are singlehandedly saving the planet from the super-villains of environmental gasoline destruction, but instead of thanks, they get abuse. OH, WHY OH WHY?? THE TERRIBLE IRONY! WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! Etc.

Just to clarify, further use of IDIOTIC ALL-CAPS will indicate the shrill, bongwater-smelling voice of a bike asshole, not my own much more calm and dignified voice.

You absolutely can not win an argument with one of these bike people: “man, this city hates bikes! Did you know that last month 2 bikers were killed in accidents?” “um, dude, last month 9 car drivers were killed in car accidents.” “Yeah, thus proving my point: cars are bad and evil!”

Once a month they have a parade called CRITICAL MASS. The point of the parade is to clog as many downtown streets as possible during rush hour, in an act of civil disobedience.

The rationale is something like this: “well it worked to stop apartheid”

No, wait, the rationale is “by making car owners as pissed off as possible we'll bring them round to our side.”

No, wait, the rationale is “by doing an unlicensed parade, with police support and breaking all the traffic laws, we'll show everyone how disenfranchised we are”

The other 30 days of the month they spend spray-painting ‘DRIVING' below the word ‘STOP' on traffic signs, so that the rest of us know their views on driving and the stopping of it.

At first I was pissed off by the self-righteousness of this. But then I realized: bikers, who have never stopped at a stop sign in their lives, honestly don't know what it's for. They honestly think it's some kind of octagonal red billboard. These guys don't stop for stop signs, or red lights, or pedestrians, or one-way streets, or ANYTHING. They're free, man. Free like the wind. Free of conformity! Free of the steel-metal-and-plastic death boxes that the rest of us are jailed in, man! Free of dependence on foreign oil (as opposed to foreign hash, Jamaican hemp, and Mexican opium, which are I guess multicultural and therefore benign?), free of the whole freaking system, man!!

And yet, the minute some biker gets hurt, they're all shrieking “it's the CAR'S FAULT!! He wasn't obeying proper traffic safety laws! Why oh why must we suffer as second-class-citizens in this bike=hating, gas-guzzling maze of contrete and steel??”

Keep in mind that drivers don't WANT to be driving. The commutes are notoriously long and there is no parking. The only reason that people drive is because the bay area has one of the worst mass-transit systems in the country. BART, the subway that only stops every 3 miles, and MUNI, the bus that is slightly slower than walking. Every election there are only 2 issues, and always the same 2 issues: the homeless and MUNI. Yet you never hear about bikers trying to fix public transportation. That would be too helpful. That would actually give them common ground with the hated car owners, as well as being difficult work. They'd rather just complain about how hard they have it (as opposed to car owners, who everyone knows LOVE to be stuck in traffic for 3 hours everyday, just for the sake of inconveniencing passing bikers!! Ha ha, they're falling for our evil scam!!).

Does anyone live in the bay area that hasn't heard about the big 3 ? the 3 Things That Cars Do To Kill Cyclists?

parked cars that open doors into the path of oncoming cyclists (WHERE ARE THE CAR DOOR WARNING LIGHTS? WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!)

cars that turn right without giving the 10 seconds of warning required to register in the pot-fogged brain of the average cyclist, and wind up cutting him/her off

the high price of meth lately (oh sorry, that's just a bike MESSENGER complaint)

cars that don't give right-of-way to a biker that's lane-splitting, running a stop sign, or otherwise totally breaking the law. This is the #1 unsafest thing that cars do to discriminate against Earth's Selfless Guardians, the bikers.

Believe me, back when I was driving I got an earful of this. . . . almost everytime I had a biker pal riding in my car. A pal who begged me for a ride.

So, is it hazardous to bike in s.f.? yes! But, let me say, it's WAY WORSE IN FUCKIN' TOKYO. It's total anarchy here, and there is no organized single-issue activist group for me to turn to for ‘validation.' But you won't hear me whining and complaining about it. Why? Because, number one, I'm not an ASSHOLE. and number two, I LIKE BIKES. I'm just HAPPY to be able to ride one, not mad that everything isn't 100% my way. And to think that if I'd stayed in good old bike-friendly s.f. I never would have discovered how much fun bikes are.

 

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CROM-DIDDLERS!!!

Against all logic and reason, I checked out my enemy's homepage and to my delight it's much stupider than before. She's discovered politics,and is on some anti-sexist-guy diatribes.

I've read some really good anti-sexist-guy diatribes in my time. But this particular blogger is no Valerie Solanas or Mary Daly. Heck, she's not even BBCM. In fact, her diatribes sound suspiciously like the Asian Woman version of the Straight Guy who thinks all the homos and queers are checking out his package and coming on to him. And you just want to tell Straight Guy, "dude, those queers are NOT checking you out. You're ugly, and besides aren't you just a little too preoccupied with them for someone who's not into that scene?"

And that's exactly what I'd tell her to her face if I were still in California, which thank god I'm not.

In fact, I think it's time we made a word to describe asian-american women who yell 'pervert!' for fake reasons. Certain women are so goofy-looking or have such neurotic, unappealing personalities that their Azn Brothers prefer to keep the relationships strictly at a brother level. If you know what i'm talking about. Non-asian guys who can objectively compare them to other women also run screaming. So the only guys who will ever ask out these girls . . . are guys who are just 100% like, "hey, my little lotus blossom, wanna come back to my place and do origami.. .WITH MY PANTS??'.

Since these women only get the most extreme of the fetish guys, they get a totally distorted view of the male species: they think ALL guys are like that.

. What they SAY is, 'ew, asian-lovers are so gross!' but what they MEAN is, 'dude!! Why won't anyone remotely cool or cute ever ask me out????'

that's the true root of their anger but rather than look in the mirror for the answer, they lash out at the only guys who might possibly like them.

So we need a word for this foolishness. Honestly it doesn't matter what the word even is, just so long as you can hurl it at them as a cool exit line, leaving them to fume. So, I vote for calling them 'crom-diddlers'. As in,

WOMAN: 'the next guy who asks me if I will 'love him long time' is going to get a boot up his stupid ass!'

MAN OR MAYBE COOL OTHER WOMAN OR SOMETHING: 'tell the truth-no guy has ever asked you that, because he's busy hitting on every other girl in the room but you. Also, you are a crom diddler and smell.'

Ok, so that's not the best name but you get the idea.

Anyone with more better name-ideas can just post them to the forum, and it will turn into this huge waste of time I mean fabulous contest.

postscript: my friend asked me "Why don't you post her URL?" i said,

naw. she's kind of sad, plus she's not political anymore. but my point still stands. crom-diddlers are wack.

but still check this out: i'm sitting at this bar. she walks up, interrupting my deep thoughts, accuses me of stalking her to the bar even though she arrived AFTER me, demands to know why i'm at an asian event, and then i say, 'hold on, it takes me a while to get into conversation mode' to which she says, 'oh i have no intention of having a conversation with you. i just wanted to say hi. because i'm a good person. I'M A GOOD PERSON!!(yelling)' and runs off. total elapsed time : 20 seconds.

what the hell??

 

 

 

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SOME PEOPLE SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING LABEL

'DANGER!
THIS PERSON IS SO ADDICTED TO HIS OR HER OWN UNHAPPINESS AND SELF PITY THAT IF YOU MAKE THEM HAPPY THEY WILL TURN ON YOU AND FUCK UP EVERYTHING YOU'VE TRIED SO HARD TO BUILD TOGETHER, AND YOU . CAN. NOT. CHANGE. THEM. EVER.    DANGER!!!
EVEN THOUGH THEY MAY SEEM TOTALLY NORMAL AT FIRST, THE MORE HAPPY THAT YOU MAKE THEM, THE MORE THEY WILL UTTERLY FREAK OUT
AT THE POSSIBILITY OF ACTUAL INTIMACY, AND TURN ON YOU.
AND BY THAT TIME IT'S TOO LATE, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THEM.
LEAVE THEM TO THEIR MISERY-- STAY AWAY ---FAR AWAY--- RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.'

This label should be tattooed on their foreheads for easy reference.
They're fighting a war inside their heads - between desperately wanting intimacy and being totally scared shitless of intimacy.
And so anybody who comes close to them becomes an innocent bystander, a victim of this war.
And it's fucking IMPOSSIBLE to tell that they're fucked up at first.
Not only do you- the victim - have no idea about the war inside that person's head, most of the time THEY THEMSELVES
have no clue that they're fucked up.
At first they'll seem really genuinely happy to see you and be your friend.
It's easy for them to fool you, because they ARE really happy to make a new friend.
They are, as you might suspect, genuinely lonely people.
It's not until you start making them happy and dangling visions of a wonderful future together, THEN their self-destruct program kicks in and they find an excuse to fuck everything up.
But by then it's too late for you, you're in love with them.
So, that's why we need these tattoos.

 

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INDIE LABELS , FREQUENT SUCKINESS OF

Much has been written about why Major Labels Suck.

....SO INSTEAD.... let's talk about why minor labels suck. let's break the taboo, let's eat some sacred cow for a second. I'm not going to bust on minors for poor distribution / sales. After all, the majors are doing their best to drive the minors out of business. The strong point of indies isn't money, it's credibility. They say, "Sure, we can't advertise as much as WARNER, we can't bribe radio stations and wal-mart managers to carry the CDs. . . . .but unlike the majors, we are in it for the music. You can trust us."

And THAT'S what I'm going to bust on.

The sick truth is, YOU CAN'T trust an indie any more than a major. Barry Diller never says, "Yeah I know I owe you $200 but my mom is charging me rent now to live in the garage, so I had to give it to her. dude, she was going to throw me out in the STREET!" . this is not a problem for Barry Diller. Ahmet Etregun doesn't tell you, "Oh, yeah, I owe you $150, but it's like this. .. I got this totally sweet deal on some amazing pot, like 50% off, so I sunk my whole savings into it. hey?how about I pay you in pot?" Sumner Redstone from Viacom might rip you off on the royalties or cancel your career if your new album doesn't have enough hit songs, but he's not going lose your master tape because,

"Dude, I accidentally put it in the box of PAVEMENT WANNABE CDs that we were shipping to Alaska, but I still have this shitty cassette dub of your album, let's just make a new master from that! the 'lo-fi' trend is going to take off this summer, you're in luck, dude!! "

what do you mean, ACCIDENTALLY put my master in theShip To Alaska box?

"well, i owe that Alaskan label like $400 and they are really ragging me about it, so i was just putting hell of extra shit in the box of cds, hoping they'll forgive the debt, you know, just grabbing whatever was around, plus i was fighting with my 17 year old girlfriend at the time, so i wasn't really looking at exactly what i was putting in the box... PLUS dude, i had been up for 40 hours on speed at that point, just, you know, i only take speed for the sake of working on this indie label, so i can work for 40 hours straight and get a lot of stuff done....and speed is REALLY EXPENSIVE after a while. so therefore, just look how i suffer for you, the artists! how much i sacrifice for you!! and now you're giving me shit for ACCIDENTALLY losing your master?? damn, bro, why don't you just go sign with warner brothers, you ingrate sellout!!"

and so on.

not all indies are like that. duh. but for every GOOD indie there are lots that are like this:

Sure, the majors' accountants might be more crooked than Enron, but AT LEAST THEY HAVE ACCOUNTANTS . Try asking an indie guy to see the spreadsheet with the amount of your records sold. He'll either look at you like you're a sellout for even asking, or say something like, "oh MAN, where is the papers? The papers. . . . I think they're behind the couch under the 45s and pizza crusts." And assuming you put on your pith helmet and go exploring under the couch, and find the papers, there's going to be like 500 CDs unaccounted for.

"well man, it's like. . . dude, I had to move a lot of the CDs to bob's apartment, because this touring band needed to sleep here and there was no room for them."

Bob, the junkie? Bob, who steals everything he can get his hands on? His house?

"yeah, but he was the ex-bassist for WEARS TIGHT PANTS, so it's cool. anyway, that's where you know, 100 or 200 of your CDs are. The rest, well, some I gave to my friends' band to sell on tour. Dude, people all across the country will be hearing your tunes man!"

how many did you give them? And how much do I get per sale?

"Well, I don't know man, we were all pretty wasted. I'm sure they'll pay you some money for them when they get back, unless they have to spend all the CD money fixing the van. That's an old van, man. Anyway, I think I gave like 20 copies away to different people, because those people are really cool and I want to be their friend. You know who I gave one to? the ex-drummer from OLD INDIE BAND YOU NEVER HEARD OF! He's totally got your cd dude! And it only cost you $4! Anyway that accounts for like maybe 90% of the missing CDs."

and about the rest?

"Man, why are you giving me so much shit for? After all I've done for you! Do I look like some conservative, country club accountant? It's the indie labels, man!"

ok, yeah. Thanks for that. But what about the 40 CDs you said you were going to mail out for review? So that actual paying customers might be able to hear the music?

"well, the thing about that was, the line at the post office was really long, dude, and I had to be at Billy's house by 4:30 in order to score some weed and bum a ride to the SOUNDS LIKE NEUROSIS BUT ISN'T concert, so I just . . . ."

Ok, never mind.

" . . . plus honestly dude, I don't have money for stamps right now! could you loan me like fifteen dollars? Just till next week?"

Anyway to sum up: really being 'in it for the music, man' = trustworthy + not.

 

 

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here's a review of the passion of crhist....

MEL GIBSON'S NEW MOVIE WHICH I HAVEN'T SEEN YET....

.. But that's not going to stop me from having an opinion of it.

Basically I think it's fucking rad.
The principle of the thing.
The movie itself...I don't know.
The movie isn't even important at this point!!
Who cares about the movie???This movie is just a sort of spiritual flashlight which illuminates not only the contradictions of Christianity but the contradictions of our society as well.

It's not an attack on Jews, it's an attack on modernity. In the bible times they belived everything in the bible literally.
Nowadays, you teach people a little about science or democracy and next thing you know, most Christians are like, "Well I believe in a literal god but
I'll just obey the parts of the bible I agree with and ignore the depressing parts"
Then they're like, "Well, it says specifically that non believers will burn in hell, and homosexuals, and adulterers. But, man, that's kind of not p.c.
I don't have the courage to be a serious Christian and go around killing my bhuddist and adulterer and homosexual coworkers.
But neither do I
have the courage to just quit being Christian either, just because it is a hateful murdering religion....
So I'll just ignore the contradictions, and pretend that God is a nice guy like me only with a beard. Okely-dokely!"

That is modernity. And it sucks!!

Also the movie is interesting because it says something about the importance of CONTEXT.
Consider this:
a bunch of devout Christians bought blocks of tickets and organized field trips to see the movie on opening weekend, and it became #1 at the box office.
And the movie was about what?
Their true lord being slowly tortured and murdered while people run around mocking him and laughing at his pain.
Could you explain this to someone from mars, should they happen to visit?
How would you explain it??
what the hell????

But consider this too:
if the EXACT SAME MOVIE had been made (Christ being slowly tortured, mocked, mercilessly and slowly murdered) but
Mel Gibson crossed his name off the credits and wrote 'BY GLENN DANZIG AND SLAYER' and changed the title to 'LET'S ALL KILL JESUS!!!!'... Christians would be burning down the theatres instead of making the movie #1.
am I right??
I am totally fucking right!!
How would you explain THAT to someone from Mars?

And that's why just the IDEA of this movie is awesome.

About the controversy:
I mean,
Gibson has got like 1,000 jews and ecumenical (

'modern, feel good') Christians
saying, "It's antisemetic
BECAUSE IT IS QUOTING TOO LITERALLY FROM THE BIBLE."

I am so not making this up.

According to the new Yorker magazine, the original protestors objected to LINES OF BIBLE DIALOGUE
being put in the movie, on the grounds that it would make people hate Jews.

Can you see something weird about that?
You logically cannot slam Gibson for being antisemetic and not slam the bible!
If they were consistent and rational they'd say 'Well, the BIBLE is antisemetic.
And ANYONE who reads it, we will protest them.'
I mean, duh.
And if you DID say that, you'd have a damn good point.
Of course the bible says some mean things about Jews.... for the same reason that
you won't find the Jews, circa 0-100 AD writing lots of nice things about Christians either: at that time in history,
early Christians and Jews were fighting over who the real messiah was.
So yes, anti-semetic.

But to say Gibson ALONE is an antisemite - to say he's an ABBERATION-- just for drawing attention to parts of the bible that Good Christians like to sweep under the rug (and Good Jews will likewise turn a blind eye to, rather than antagonize Christians)... that is such bullshit!!

Plus, another critic in the new Yorker was slamming the movie because it 'turned jesus' message of love into one of violence and suffering.'
. . . as if violence and suffering was unchristian?
Hello, anyone remember ALL the martyrs? All the super big and realistic statues and paintings all over Europe depicting Christians who were tortured to death by the heathens, in thousands of inventive painful ways?
Remember the crusades and the inquisition??
How can the critics act like Gibson just, out of thin air, INVENTED the connection between Christianity and suffering??

What about all the
4,5,6 foot tall statues of Bleeding Jesus, in super detailed crucifixion poses, all over Latin America? What about the Philipine rituals where women channel the 'spirit of baby jesus' and re-enact the passion of Christ, the whole town watching and clapping, as their neighbors (dressed as romans) crucify the women with big nails??
(ok, maybe this is fake like the Philipine faith healers, but a: it looked real in the video and b: just the fact that the people are
INTO this kind of spectacle is enough to prove my point)....

. oh, and what about the fact that EVERY SINGLE CHRISTIAN wears a fucking TORTURE DEVICE around their neck?????
Yeah, right, Gibson just is crazy for noticing a connection between Christianity and suffering.
He's a wacko all right.

Basically what he has done is taken the contradictions of the bible, the parts that modern day "feel good" Christians, "want to ignore or sweep under the rug.    And for this, I salute him!!
So
that is why, like i said, this movie illuminates not only the contradictions of Christianity but the contradictions of our society as well.
That is what art is supposed to do.

Plus I hope this movie succeeds because if it succeeds it will encourage more rich famous people to just go fucking nuts and start filming whatever crazy shit comes into their heads.
Hopefully more people will realize, "Damn, I have twenty million dollars in the bank, I do not have to keep on making boring predictable movies! Why don't I make a movie myself, where I play a gay Muhammad who screws Buddha in the ass, while fellating the Michellen Man? This has always been my dream!"
... and it turns out that's the Pope's new movie.
That is the kind of world I want to live in.

 

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GEORGE W. ADDRESSES THE REST OF THE WORLD:

I know that, since I've become president, I've pretty much done things my way. And if you guys didn't go along with it - global emissions standards, test ban treaties, invasions, what have you. . . I really didn't care. Angola, Guam, Portugal, screw you. But tonight I come to you a changed man. a man who listens and is not afraid to change.

I'm not deaf. . . . I know I've ruffled some feathers. I know, whenever we invade someplace like Afghanistan or iraq, some people are always calling us 'the big bully' or 'the imperialists.' Ok, we went in unilaterally, bombed the hell out of the place, reinstituted free speech and freedom of religion for the people who were still alive, found the dictator, and are going to put him on trial. So, we're the bad guy. fine.

But tonight I say, that was the Old Me. Tonight, the New Me says, let's concentrate on what we agree on, rather than what we disagree on.

For example, we agree what Kim Jong Il is doing is wrong. I mean, no matter what country you're from you must think it's not cool to make your own citizens starve to death while you spend billions on nuclear weapons to blow up foreign countries. Right? You have to admit it's wrong to kidnap people and break up families and force citizens of south korea and japan to be your slaves, for decades and decades, right?? So, OK. We agree on the problem, we just don't agree on the solution.

But I'm not going to go invade North Korea. Why? Because I AM LISTENING to you little nobody countries like Sri Lanka and Canada. Despite what you think, I DO value your input. So, just to prove America is not an imperialist bully, we're going to leave north korea to the rest of you countries.

That's right, Netherlands, france, Peru,: it's your turn. Hey, Luxemborg, Tonga, Haiti! Tired of being overshadowed by the U.S. of A.? well, now is your time to shine. Liberate North Korea. Nepal, you too. Step right up; don't be shy. What are you waiting for? Don't let ME hold you back.

What are you going to do about kim il jung? Even if you would rather turn a blind eye to the suffering of the people, even if you'd rather ignore him because you don't want to be labeled an 'imperialist,' .. . .he's got nukes, he'll nuke your ass. This isn't Chauchescu, people! This isn't some kind of Romania / Burma type scenario, where the dictator hopes no one will notice how he is oppressing his own people, and just keeps to himself. Pyongyang wants your attention, and they also want your money!! It's called 'nuclear blackmail.' And Kim Jung Il is going to be hassling you guys even more, now that he knows America isn't protecting you anymore. . . .

You can't ignore him! And I'm not going to help you, since that would make me a big bully. So what are you going to do?

seriously, what?

I'm not being a wiseass. If you guys can find a nonviolent, non-imperialist way to liberate a country run by homicidal, plutonium-hoarding, Stalinist maniacs, AND you can do it while I'm still in office. . . I promise I will change america's foreign policy OVERNIGHT. My cabinet all says I'm crazy for doing this, but I'm doing it anyway because that's how strongly I believe in listening to, and learning from, the less important countries. America IS ready to be part of a global democracy.

I believe in democracy so much . . . .so much that I'm not just talking to the governments. I'm talking to the people of all the countries. To the bookie in rio dejanero: kim jong is starving his citizens. What are you going to do? To the plumber in cuba: some guy in Pyongyang just got shot because he thought it would be a nice idea to start a free newspaper. What are you going to do about it? To the housewife in new dheli, and the schoolteacher in Tokyo: kim jong il is building nuclear weapons. What are you going to do? To the seven-eleven guy in hong kong and the macdonalds manager in paris, and the Foghat cover band roadie in Belgrade: what are you going to do to improve life for the millions of brainwashed enslaved skeleton people of north korea? After all, how can you get mad at Kim Jong Il for suppressing free expression, if you HAVE free expression, but you aren't using it? democracy, it means rule of the people, right? So obviously you have to fight this battle yourself, not just leave your government to do it, right? Ok!

You don't want America starting another war. . . . so now YOU have to solve the problem yourselves.

Like I say, if you guys can find a way to overcome your differences and work together to peacefully liberate north korea. . . you will change not only the fate of the north Koreans, but you will change america too: if you do something all peaceful and effective, we'll become peaceful too. Let me state this again: if you can rig it so that Kim Jong Il is all, like, "oooh nooo, here comes Belize and Beirut! Dude, I am out of here!" if you can make him be all, "what? Lichtenstein is at the front door? And they brought Uraguay? Oh crappity crap crap crap!! better empty out the gulags!" -- hey, I'll change my ways. But if you guys totally blow it with north korea, then. . . .guess what?

It will be on like Donkey Kong, my friends.

Donkey Kong!

For those of you not familiar with the work of Ice Cube (who is now Secretary of Alcohol Tabacco and Firearms, but that's a domestic policy issue and we needn't go into it here) this means that America will just start invading anyone, at any time, because diplomacy doesn't work. And this time, you guys won't be able to say shit about it.

this is george motherfuckin' dubya, over and out.

 

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WHY DO I HATE RAVERS MORE THAN GOTHS??

I mean, both subcultures have awful music, ridiculous clothes, no sense of humor, and a total commitment to avoiding politics. So why not hate them both equally?

1---Is it just that there were Goths at my high school, but no ravers, and therefore I'm simply too old to 'get' rave? Well, no. I'm too old to get Powderpuff Girls. Rave, however, is just a disco ripoff, - the mirrored balls, the metronome beats, the decadence-for-the-sake-of-decadence, etc . And therefore I'm too YOUNG to get rave.

2---Plus, what's up with people who are imitating the music of the '70s all acting like they are from the future?? Plus this whole 'THIS SUBCULTURE STARTED OVER 15 YEARS AGO YET WE STILL ACT LIKE WE'RE FUTURISTIC PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL ON SOME NEW SHIT' attitude. Gotta hate that.

3---Or is it that Goth, for all its "no one understands me, I am a creature of the night" hoo-ha, at least shows SOME capacity for introspecton and alienation, whereas ravers are so one-dimensional and they're all like, 'fun is good! Wheeee. Let's all dance and not think about anything ever.'

4---Plus, goth people have actual bands. Ravers seem to be convinced that a DJ is a band. DJs are all pumping their fists in the air, like "DUDE, CHECK IT OUT!! I TOTALLY PLAYED THAT RECORD!!! AWRIIIGHT!!! ALL BY MYSELF EVEN!!!" while 'turntablist' djs, despite their pretentious name, can be quite cool, the 'DJ' type of DJ is the worst kind of middleman- "I've installed myself here on the stage, the only way you can hear the music is by kissing my ass! You certainly can't make your own! Give me drugs and girls now." I could go on in this vein for hours, but fortunately, a very good rant on this subject is here ...

5-while we're on the subject , the drugs. Sure, Goths have an idiotic tendency to idolize heroin (it goes in your BLOOD!! Like a VAMPIRE!!), ravers are worse: "yeah man, you just take these pills and you can dance all night. You just become one with the music. Cmon, it's really good stuff." When even the music's defenders insist that you need to be bombed to tolerate it, it's safe to say that the music has serious problems.
6---The sort of 'nothing matters except me' decadent sex-drugs-and-posing posturing seems really hollow, lowest common denominator stuff. Like they got together and said, 'ok, we're starting a new youth movment. How can we make sure it's popular? Oh, sex. And, fun. Everyone likes sex and fun, right?' Like, exactly what is so SUBCULTURAL about that? You're just taking the 3 things that everyone wants, and all acting like you invented it. "oh, I can't believe that yuppie jerk is all acting like a raver, he doesn't know what it's really about!! He's not hip to the underground!". Translation: "that yuppie jerk likes dancing and feeling good and trying to score? Shocking!!"

7--the only original ("underground") things the rave overlords added to the sex and drugs and narccissm recipie was a bunch of little doodads ( plastic shoes FROM THE FUTURE!! Plastic pants FROM THE FUTURE!! Glow sticks!!) that you could spend your money on. Oh, plus a moronic "we are the vanguard!! We can bring about a new age of peace and love with enough drugs and glowsticks" philosophy.

 

8--Plus, at least you don't hear Christian Death or Sisters of Mercy selling sneakers on TV. I swear to god, man, it took the Madison Avenue weasels like 30 years to co-opt rock music. . . . 30 years before you started hearing the Beatles' songs on commercials. Whereas with rave, I was hearing techno music on commercials BEFORE rave took off in the U.S.

9--Plus, the guy who singlehandledly 'invented' u.s. raves, Michael Caruso, is a notorious drug dealer / murderer / police informant . I hear they've made a movie about this. There's also several 'true crime' books about the 90s NYC dance scene that dig up the dirt on this wanna-be Mafioso. DISCO BLOODBATH being the one with the coolest name.

10 -- I can count to 10 because I haven't eroded massive portions of my brain with MDMA. How many ravers visit their friends in the hospital after they OD / get all dehydrated and go into shock / become retarded off drugs? Hey man, hospitals are sad. They really kill the vibe. Let's go to a rave instead, it's so much more fun!

It should also be noted that I have no idea if ravers actually say 'man' or not. I can't be bothered to find out.

please, please don't think I'm trying to defend goth here.

Like everyone else, I tend to see goth people as preposterous, self-obsessed, pretentious fanshion victims. Once glimpse of a surburban wanna-be Dracula waiting at the bus stop will tell you everything you need to know about the absurdity of this whole subculture.

it's precisely because of the lameness of goth that it makes a good yardstick - if something is even worse than goth, it's GOT TO be near the bottom of the cultural dustbin.

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KILLING THE DEBATE THAT WOULDN'T DIE!

Does the world really need yet another rant about inter-racial dating? Hell, my website ALONE is practically bursting at the seams with them. But it's precisely the unending monotony of this 'debate' which forces me to write this article. Because someone has to finally solve the damn problem so we can get back to arguing about OTHER dumb things, like 'is green day a sellout?' or 'that lord of the rings movie was better than the book / no it wasn't, jackass.'

So anyway the Asian American Female's popularity has risen faster than Asian American Male's. boring. Boring. Boring. It's no surprise that this has led to years and years of bitter acrimony between asian Americans. Most of this acrimony takes place in unbelievably sad message forums consisting of only men, who constantly ask the question "why??" to women . . . .who will never set foot in that chat room, because they're too busy going out on dates. But enough of the anger manages to escape the chatrooms, and spills out into everyday life, creating one of those ARGUMENTS THAT WON'T EVER DIE.

Like the eternal punk question of , 'THEIR FIRST ALBUM WAS BETTER/ NO IT WASN'T" , or the lesbian version: "bisexuals are traitors / yes they are" the inter-racial debate has been raging endlessly with nothing getting accomplished, and just when you think that everyone's as sick of it as you are, it pops out of the grave like a zombie. Since it's axiomatic that zombies feast on the brains of the living, this could explain why the arguments are so stupid.

The general gist of the arguments is this:
"Anyone who dates outside their race is a sellout" vs. "nuh uh."

What's sad is, if you read angry letters, you can't tell if they were written in 1990 or yesterday, because so little has improved despite so much effort. No one understands each other better.

Why is that? Because everyone's painted into a corner.

Things that should be totally obvious, have become laden with so much baggage over the years. . . that no one can admit the truth.

The girls feel like, if they admit that they are even slightly benefiting from a social trend, then that would be like admitting the guys are 100% right. : that AAFs are all sell out sluts and brainwashed, and deliberately trying to destroy the asian heritage. So of course the women won't admit anything!

And the guys feel like if they admit that even a tiny fraction of interracial couples are legitimately in love, then the girls must be 100% right: the guys are just a bunch of dickless whiners and everything is their fault, and they might as well just kick themselves in the balls for eternity. So of course the guys won't give an inch either.

So, in the interests of diversity and whatnot, I thought I'd finally solve the ethical quagmire once and for all.

First. We need to reframe the debate in a new and more productive way. , we need new tools of analysis. "we" meaning you. I already have new tools of analysis. A handy tool is the 'ZOOM' icon. It's shaped like a little magnifying glass, and it lets you see things on different levels. In PHOTOSHOP, the zoom lets you see the whole porno or just a few pixels. In sociology, the zoom lets you look either at social trends, or the individuals which comprise those trends.

Here's the 'MICRO' level; If you went up to 100 inter-racial couples on the street and asked them, "so, why are you guys going out?" they'd swear up and down that race had nothing to do with it, they just happen to really really like Emiko or Stuart or Thuy or BillyBob or whomever.

But if you were all sneaky and looked at what people actually DID instead of what they said, well, you'd realize that love is FAR from color blind. let's say you sat in a corner on Saturday night in san Francisco with your magical Race Detector, and noted the races of every couple that passed you.. . . you'd see that there IS lots of inter-racial stuff going on, but the love is not spread equally across all races in some 'color blind' way. there are big trends, where some races and genders are more popular than others. And I don't need to point out which asian gender is more popular with the rest of the Americans. And this is the MACRO level.

But the guys need to realize that lots of these AFs, really are in love with their non asian beaux, even though they're part of a large TREND which is lame.

And the women need to realize that there really IS a trend which shafts asian men, even if they're not deliberately doing it.
BOTH of these levels are true!

Dude X, if you admit that Girl Y really is in love, and not trying to intentionally 'sell out,' that doesn't mean that there isn't a trend. And Girl Y, if you admit that there's a trend which favors you, that doesn't mean that you personally are a sell out. It just means that you've both accepted reality a little. Then you'll have some common ground to further discuss things. only then can people admit the obvious without totally throwing away the rest of their cherished beliefs.

Once people find this common ground, AAFs can help fight dumb trends on the macro level (by standing up for asian men) while continuing to date whomever on the micro level. AAMs will finally be cool with AAFs dating whomever, because the AAFs will be saying stuff like:
"No, I won't be your Imitation Connie Chung Newscaster unless you also hire an asian American reporter with a schlong, thank you."
"Oh, your Irish boyfriend left you? why don't you meet my cousin Lim? No, he's not a FOB, you jackass,Don't be prejudiced. He's got his own rap band."
"no, I'm not going to star in your stupid movie unless the famous Chinese actor in the lead role gets to kiss as many girls as I get to kiss boys."
"oh, your Japanese girlfriend left you? too bad. Do you want to meet my friend Latishia? No, she's not a gangsta. You jackass, don't be prejudiced. She's a huge Gandam freak."

Thus empowered by the mighty AAF Public Relations machine, AAMs can start totally macking on white, black, and latina women.

boom. Problem solved.

But in the meantime, how do you persuade an AAF to come out of her corner without making her feel like you're accusing her?

i think that the fellas should start by asking the ladies the following question:

"how would you feel if you entered THE TWILIGHT ZONE. . . if you were teleported to some other dimension, where you got ignored by asian guys AND white guys, just stone cold not-asked-out-ever-even-by-totally-ugly-ones, but every single city block you walked down, you saw at least one asian man/ white woman couple walking arm in arm. . .and this happened every day, every city block? And they were all happy and laughing and smiling, and shit? And you asked your asian girlfriends about it, and they said the same thing happened to them?? would you be 'whining' to point out what was going on? would you be 'haters' to feel a sense of diminished self-worth? how would that make you feel after a couple of weeks? how would that make you feel after a couple of years?"

if you pose this question (or one like it) then you're getting your point across without without dissing her relationship with the WM, or saying she's a bad person, or anything like that. you're ASKING HER OPINION instead of backing her into a corner where she feels like she has to defend herself. . . .so she's more likely to listen.

i think it would be cool if AFs honestly answered this question in, say, a 'short essay' format. (actually i think most of life's problems can be solved by the 'short essay' format). . .

... although i can't imagine anyone giving an honest answer to it!!

also, i would LOVE to hear even ONE AAF express some gratitude that she is MUCH more popular with various races than an AAF in 1960 or 1970.

even if she is legitimately in love with a guy who 'just happens' to be white, and he 'likes her personality' (etc). . . the 'color blind love' IS STILL RACIAL, because 30 years ago the guy would probably not have asked her out or tried to get to know her!!!

. . . therefore, i'd like to hear every AAF say, loudly and in unison, "thanks, historical and cultural forces beyond my control, for making me much more popular than i'd be in Asia, or in 1960s America, through no effort of my own."

That wouldn't really guarantee AAMs a lot of dates with white/black/latin women, but it would sure make ME feel a lot better.

Boom. Problem solved again.

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DOGS:

I'm a vegetarian; have been one for 11 years. But if you gave me a dog on a plate, I'd eat it today. I'd eat it RIGHT NOW. I'd eat its flanks and its drumsticks. I'd eat its fucking HEAD with paprika. Even after I'm full, I'd eat another dog, for no good reason except they'd have to kill the dog to cook it. I'd eat little Spot's eyeball and leave the rest of the carcass to rot. No doggy bag for me. ouch. . . ok, I've finally managed to offend even myself.

Consider the following points:

1: Dogs, vulgarity of.
I am not a snob. I like beavis and butthead. . . heck, I even like me some $hort Dog (AKA rapper Too $hort). But even I draw the line at the nonstop poop-everywhere, lick-everything, slobber-on-everything-else party that is the earth dog. I'm sick of the BARK REALLY LOUD FOR NO REASON AT 2 AM IN A CROWDED APARTMENT aspect, and the leg-humping and the pissing every five feet, and the butt-smelling. Can't leave out the butt smelling. Who wants to see that? at least beavis and his pal occasionally would talk about something else, but dogs don't ever do anything but be vulgar. Of course you could say that it's the dog's nature, and the owners should be blamed. Which brings me to point 2…

2: Owners, mental shittiness of:
ever been in a park, and some dog is pissing on your car, or comes right over and starts, like, EATING YOUR FOOD? And the owners just stand there, and say, 'Come here…. here Booboo, cmon that's a good dog?' or they make a little KISSING NOISE at it? yeah, that's going to put the fear of God into the dog, right, if you're making a kissing noise at it! Then you ask them, "dude, can you get your dog to stop eating my lunch?" they look at you like you're crazy. "Oh, he's friendly!" "that's just his way of saying hi".

It would never occur to these assholes to say, 'BAD DOG! BAD DOG!!' and give the mutt a good kick. It doesn't occur to them to say 'bad dog' because to them, it's a LITTLE FURRY SON OR DAUGHTER. The dog owners are so unloved, so reviled by their own family, that they have to turn to a nonhuman for love! It's like, "Sorry your kids hate you, sorry that you're sterile, sorry that your wife finds you unattractive now that you're fat and old, but why does that mean your dog has to lick MY sandwitch, bumhugger?"

that's why dogs are so popular, they're substitute children for people who can't handle or can't even get real human love. So these fucking losers pick the ONE SPECIES that will love them no matter how shitty they are. Dogs are FAMOUS for needing human approval. . . even if you kick your dog every day, it'll still be glad to see you. I'm sure that Pol Pot or Hitler could get love from a dumb-ass dog. . . so it's pretty cowardly to get a pet who will love you unconditionally. I mean, that's WHY they love their owners, they're GOD DAMN ANIMALS!! They can't do math or compose 12-tone concertos or even use the remote. .. . They're too STUPID to see what a cock you are.

Plus, the very vulgarity of dogs (the pooping and peeing and licking and so on) is what reminds people of human babies. So of COURSE the owners will love that part of their dog's behavior!!

Three: the importance of attack rhinos.

Fuck it, I'm going to get a fucking RHINO. I'll give him a cute little name like Bobby. I'll take him to the beach, where all the dog-loving fartknockers let their dogs run around illegally off-leash. And I won't have fed Bobby for about a week. And he'll just start eating all the dogs, and I'll be like, "oh, he's FRIENDLY! That's just his way of SAYING HI, and eating you, but mostly saying hi." "oh, he's never done that before. Normally he leaves a leg or something, but eating a whole rottweiler, he's never done that."

Sure, cats can be aloof and spray everywhere, but they'll never be so annoying that someone goes nuts. The Son of Sam wasn't named after a cat!! Sam was his neighbors' dog that wouldn't stop barking. Eventually David Berkowitz decided the barking was a coded message from Lucifer, telling him to smoke some fools.

Four: DOG EATING IN HISTORY…
it's odd that Koreans are the most famous dog-eaters, because Korean dogs are actually REALLY REALLY CUTE!! They've got these little perky triangle ears, and these adorable smiles, and they're so small and fuzzy. You'd think that dog-eating would have originated in, say Scotland. Not only are Scottish terriers tiny and defenseless, but they're ugly and yap constantly and look greasy no matter how much you wash them. Plus, they're so broke up in Scotland they were eating SHEEP LUNGS for christ's sake! You'd think that back in the middle ages when Haggis was invented, Mr. And Mrs. McHungry would be like,
MR. MCHUNGRY: isn't there anything more to eat?
TERRIER: yap, yap
MRS. MCHUNGRY: no, the plague killed off all the cows and the corn
TERRIER: YAP yap yap yap
MR. MCHUNGRY: what about the sheep?
TERRIER: yap, YAP YAP YAP YAP
MRS. MCHUNGRY: we've eaten almost all of it, all that's left is the lungs!
TERRIER: YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP , YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP, I'M SMALL AND UGLY AND LOUD, YAP YAP YAP
MR. MCHUNGRY: Christ, I wish there was something else to eat. ..
TERRIER: YAP YAP YAP YAP EAT ME, EAT ME NOW, I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
MRS. MCHUNGRY: well, looks like sheep lungs again. . .

Five; THE FINAL IRONY:

Here's the punchline: …It's not ME that's the enemy of dogs. . . the urban dog owners THEMSELVES are the dogs' worst foe. dogs DON'T LIKE BEING IN THE CITY. That's WHY THEY FUCKING BARK ALL THE TIME AND WAKE UP ALL THE NON-DOG-OWNERS. In your cowardly quest for uncritical love, you're punishing your dog DAILY. Dogs need to run free, in packs, 24/7. they DON'T need to be penned up in your tiny-ass apartment all day while you're at work. The dogs are going NUTS being trapped like that. the same owners that scream bloody murder if you try to enforce a leash law, the are also so fucking selfish they'll imprison their own pet just to feel that wet sloppy tongue for a couple of minutes a day, when it's convenient. The fuckers!!!


conclusion:
If you really love your dog so much that it is as important as a baby, if you love your dog so much that it can't do anything wrong even when it's pissing on my car or humping my leg. .. . MOVE TO THE COUNTRYSIDE. Just leave your job, leave your family, move to some hick town and get a job as a dishwasher, because honestly that's what it will take to provide your dog with the right environment as Nature intended. If you honestly don't love the dog to that extent, fucking admit it. stop torturing your pet. . . cut its throat and put it in the oven and have it for dinner!

Word.

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ADVICE:
I don't like advice. Advice is some bullshit. It's not that I'm too proud to admit I have problems, but There's a difference between advice and help, and I like getting help. Here's the difference: advice is, 'maybe you should try to act more confident. Girls like confidence. And sit up straight.' Help is: 'hey I know a girl named Gloria, I'll introduce you to her.' advice is ,'hey, have you tried changing the font on your resume? Maybe you should become a web-based book reviewer? I hear that's really easy to do.' Help is: "I know a guy who's hiring, here's his number."

In a nutshell, advice has this totally patronizing subtext of "I'm stooping to give you a hand. I'm putting myself in the superior position without actually doing anything to EARN the superior position, because I won't actually solve anything. Even though I don't know how to solve your problems, I'll still convey the general impression that I never have the kinds of problems you have. And by implication, if you act more like me, you'll be better off."

Either help or shut up.

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PUBLIC VS. PRIVATE selves, and why I want to see you lying in a puddle of your own vomit and/or waste.

I've never gotten over the bizarre separation between people's public and private selves. Despite all my cynicsm, misanthropy, anger, and general distrust of people, when I look at someone who seems confident, I STILL go, "Wow, he's really confident. He must have a great life!" I have yet to accept it as fair that I can see my OWN inner turmoil, self-doubt, insecurity, and prejudice, but can't see the turmoil, self-doubt (etc.) of others. It still trips me out that I can be standing an inch away from a stranger on a crowded bus, but a million miles away mentally. Is he a saintly man, working 3 jobs to pay for treatment of his stepson with Parkinson's disease? Or a bestio-corpophiliac whose only joy in life is eating badger poop? Or both??

To make matters worse, the fake 'public self' that people present on trains, buses, the sidewalk, etc. . . this fake self is ALWAYS cooler than that person is inside. Even if they're sad or something, they rarely show it. So it's easy to believe that I'M the ONLY ONE in a crowd who is insecure or full of self-doubt. Intellectually I know they have as many moments of private weakness as I do, but emotionally. . . .IT DOESN'T COUNT UNLESS I SEE IT HAPPEN!! Am I also THE ONLY ONE to feel this way?

This public strength/private insecurity problem gets even worse, because I live in a fuckin' college town! So practically everyone here is younger and prettier than me. not only that, but they ALL have this smug attitude of "I got into this prestigious school, I am elite." And they have this youthful energy undampened by the realities of the workin' world.

Fuck!!!

The thing is, I KNOW they aren't that cool all the time. I'm sure even the most chic young things cry eventually-over bad test scores, a failed relationship, a zit, over SOMETHING. Some of these perfect looking people might actually have a huge family tragedy-an autistic brother, a mom who's a political prisoner in Burma, an aunt who molested them-but I'll never know it. It's not fair! I have to deal with MY weaknesses 24 hours a day; can't I get to see everyone else's weaknesses for even a minute? Without using the infrared binoculars??

Why, why, why???? How can we all muddle through life with only the blind faith that everyone else is just as messed up as we are? How can we function without proper SCHADENFREUDE?

Fuck a time machine, I wish someone would build me a schadenfreude machine that would show me everything I REALLY want to see. Who cares about Cleopatra, Moses, Socrates and those guys? I mean, those fools were PRETTY OBVIOUSLY FUCKED UP. I don't need conformation of THAT. anytime I'm innocently walking down the street and I'm ambushed by someone way cooler than me, I should be able to push a little button on my machine and see the other half of the picture, the one they don't want me to see!

Why do I only get to see the cute girl with the navel ring when she's talking to her friends and laughing? Why can't I see her last weekend, passed out in a puddle of her own vomit at a sorority party?

Well-CLICK, BUZZZZ - FOOP! schadenfreude machine to the rescue.

Why am I forced to see my tall, handsome neighbor in the designer waistcoat as he's cruising blissfully on his scooter, every time I leave my apartment? Why can't I see him when he was sobbing into his father's arms after his mom got her skull crushed by a hoverbike?? No problem!!

BUZZ-FOOP! Self-esteem. . . skyrocketing. . .hatred of humans. . . decreasing. . .I love you, schadenfreude machine!

Why do I only see the happy couple walking arm in arm, chuckling at some private joke? Why can't I see them when she confronts him about the herpes sores she's suddenly sprouted on her labia?

BUZZ-FOOP! BOIINGINGINGINGINGING… this is better than any porno.

Why do I have to even for a moment deal with the coterie of cute girls happily practicing their dance routines with their little baby-t shirts and floppy ponytails? Why can't I see them vomiting into toilets and taking razor blades to their inner thighs in an "I'm so fat and ugly" frenzy? Now I can!!

FOOP!


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CONVERSATION, death of

People, myself included, have very boring conversations. Sure, it's fun to talk about one's addiction to elf-porn or help one's partner chart the growth of her ovarian cysts using this handy, step-by-step guide. . . but eventually you run out of problems to talk about. And when you run out of problems, you run out of conversation. . . then you either START TROUBLE to provide more fodder for talk, or you gossip about other people's problems. Sure, it's cool to talk about problems. . . to an extent. It's never good to keep a secret hidden and festering within you. You feel trapped. But if all you ever talk about is "my exciting life" and "my friend's exciting life", then you feel trapped also. Your world shrinks to a meniscus which extends maybe 3 inches from the pair of you. Who wants that?? Why can't people discuss something more substantial? And less selfish? Like, I don't know. . . ANY FIELD OF HUMAN ENDEAVOR??!!?? (politics or religion or space travel, or history or anthropology or human consciousness or chemistry or. . .)

I mean, when did people make the rule: "You can't talk about Plato or Einstein until you've exhausted the conversational potential of your hangnails and 'that dude at work is kind of a dick.'???"

I mean, if I were to cook myself an omolet, would I start by rubbing sticks together to make fire? Or would I use the stove? If you wanted to GO to the SHOW and sit in the FRONT ROW (assuming that you were LL COOL J, of course), would you try to invent your own car, or would you take an already-built limo full of a posse of freaks? Of course, you'd take the limo. My point? People totally rely on the inventions of others in most areas of their lives. So, my question is, why don't we apply the same philosophy to our conversations???

There have been so many totally burly, creative people, working for so many years to create interesting things! Picasso spent years learning to paint, Newton spent decades making a theory of something or other, Beavis and Butthead had a really good run on cable. . .(and their DVDs are now sold by Time/Life books, which is kind of hilarious). .. who am I to NOT talk about their work?? It's a slap in their face! What makes me think I have to reinvent the conversational wheel every time I talk to some fool? Why can't I pick up where these great men (and presumably women, though I can't think of any at the moment) left off?

Let me say it again: AVERAGE WATER-COOLER SMALL TALK should consist of , "Have you heard about the latest plasma?","Christ, man, what was up with Emperor Vespasian?", or "Glottal stops rule!"

And if, in fact, you DON'T think that glottal stops rule, why can't you just argue? "No way, dude, glottal stops are played out. fricatives kick glottal stops' ass from here to the atmosphere." Arguing doesn't have to mean criticizing someone's life or hurting their feelings! Why not just take contrary positions and elucidate them for the same reason the other people play basketball: because it's a workout and competition can be fun!! We love our sports, right? So why can't we treat our conversations the same way? Again, some sample topics will prove how wonderful life could be if we let it: Bronze-age Hitties vs. Hurrian tribesmen, Goethe vs. Jackie Collins, Igneous vs. Metamorphic, Manichean vs. Mennonite, etc.

Or, for that matter, why discuss real things at all? Why not hang out with your friends and invent fictional characters, invent stories, fictional ecosystems, or something like that? I'm sorry, but to me the idea of huddling around a piece of paper saying things like: "OK, let's do the uh, wind, the low pressure front in red ink, and the spore distribution vectors in pink ink. Now, what kind of troll do the spores turn you into?" is fucking awesome. As opposed to, "That new Pauly Shore movie sucked." Well, of course it did, but that's not the point. The point is, At the end of the day everyone could have copies of an elaborate flowchart, or sheet music for some acapella rock opera, or even a series of risqué haikus! You could have accomplished something, while having fun, and preserving the memory of that fun, and you could do it every day!

Another alternative to banal conversation: take polls! It's a great way to inject some content into interactions with total strangers. Imagine working as a checkout clerk at Safeway. . . you wind up saying the same boring thing to a million people. "Howyadoon? Howzitgoin?" You don't really want to know the answers to this question, and they don't really want to tell you.

By thinking of a new poll question every day, you can exercise your creativity by coming up with an interesting question, such as "Helper monkeys: pro or con?" "Would you rather spend 24 hours stuck in an elevator with Andrew Dice Clay or Henry Kissinger?" then ask each question to the customers so THEY can have something creative to do while they're waiting in the checkout line "Hmm. . . well, Kissinger would at least be funnier…" You've personalized the interaction without asking inappropriate personal questions. So finally, you have a vested interest in the person's answer: you really want your poll to succed! And the person has a vested interest in your question: he's probably never been asked that particular question before, and he really wants to know, "wow, what DO I think about brontosaurus flavored Gelato?" And the more people come through the checkout line, the more answers you'll get! Instead of being an impediment to content, the 'short conversation with strangers' format becomes an asset. AND at the end of each day, you'd take home the results of the poll, which you could display in the form of a pie chart. So you wouldn't just be working for the Safeway bosses, you'd also be working for yourself in a sense, and have something to show for your labor!

So, these are all things I'd hope to do in everyday conversations. But I don't, because I'm boring.

 

 

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HERE'S WHY WOMEN SHOULD NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BE ALLOWED IN NIGHTCLUBS, STARTING RIGHT. . . . . NOW

What's up with women that spend like 2 hours doing their hair, another 2 hours deciding on exactly which pair of identical polyester ass-pants to wear. . . .and then when they finally get to the club they spend the whole night dancing with their female pals and ignoring the guys?

Not content with just ignoring the guys, they form a Lonely Girl Circle and face inwards so they can actively repel the guys. An arieal view of the dance floor of the average club would show several of these Lonely Girl Circles sprouting up like fungi. Now, come on!! You can PRETEND you're too good for the guys, but if the guys stopped showing up at that club, we all KNOW you wouldn't go to the club anymore, you'd drop it like a hot potato and find another club with more guys! So why be all coy about it?

Women aren't just coy and dishonest about guys, women are just as dishonest about girls too. Take your $300 Gucci handbag for instance. Who the hell takes a handbag to a club? You can't dance with a handbag, that only leaves you with one free hand! Why pay $300 when you could get one for $3 down at Thrift Town? It's not like some hot guy is going to go, "Hey, did you see the handbag on that broad?" ask any woman why she's got a pedicure or a Prada bag or some shit and she'll say, 'because I like to look good.' oh BULLSHIT. You're paying the money to show up the other women. Women are the only ones who will notice the handbag, the pedicure, the extra-curly eyelashes. Women are the only ones who will be jealous of you but you don't admit it. you say, "Oh, I just like to dress up." Or "Oh, I'm just trying to look like a whore." Or some other excuse. But face it-if YOU WERE THE ONLY WOMAN left in the city. .. just you and all these guys. . . you wouldn't spend fuckin' $400 on a fuckin' purse! You'd go around in sweatpants. Tell the truth, motherfucker.

But back to the regular girls with the hairstylists and designer size 1 clothes. .. The only reason you have such insanely high standards for yourself is that you are trying to lure a man to you without so much as talking to him. Not only that, you have to lure a man SO MUCH that he'll talk to you in SPITE of your "Go away, I don't need you" body language. Well, that's setting quite a challenge for yourself, isn't it? (can you say 'self-sabotage?') THAT'S why you to have painful workouts, expensive wardrobes you can't even afford, unhealthy diets, and ugly painful shoes. . . you're trying to make a guy cross the room and risk getting dissed, and he doesn't even know if you're a bitch or not! And even after you spend the money and go on the diet and squeeze into the