7/30 still angry ..

 

. A casual glance at my , ahem, website should tell the astute reader that I am no foe of vulgarity, nor am I a highbrow. While I have been known to read the occasional non-fiction book, I also revel in booze-soaked atrocities, simpsons quotations featuring the word “ass,” and have written countless rap songs about pirate sodomy on the high seas, and performed these songs live in a Sailor Moon outfit. Well, it was only one song, but still, that alone should be enough to disqualify me from future screenings of Merchant/Ivory films. While you, gentle reader, enjoy a fine white wine and Mahler concerto, I am obscenely trying to force an entire burrito in my mouth while watching Bill Hicks discourse about scat-mongers. So, why, then, you might reasonably ask, do I so loathe the phrase “get laid?” “fuck” is fine. “sex” is ok, if slightly teenager-y, “make love” a tad precious but not that irritating, “plow” quaintly amusing, and while even “screw” is but a really sad, poseur cousin of “fuck,” it is not nearly as teeth-clenchingly anger-making as Get Laid.

Let me endeavor to explain. Like a dying man whose entire life flashes before his eyes, whenever I hear that phrase, a big story flashes before MY eyes. Sit back and relax, if you would be so kind, as I attempt to slow the story down to normal speed so that you might better understand why we need to FUCKING DELETE THIS HORRIBLE FUCKING IDIOM.

Let’s say that after years of heartbreak, you finally find the man of your dreams. Someone who understands your very soul, who likes all the books and movies you like; who ? against all odds ? looks like a movie star yet is as humble as a lamb; who takes you on a magical date that re-ignites naiive adolescent feelings of True Love which you thought had long ago withered and died in the desert of adult cynicism. Who takes you for along walk on the beach, cooks you a delicious dinner, and for desert gives you a huge boquet of roses in your favorite color EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT THAT WAS. And you, in return, present him with a one-of-a-kind hand-made necklace composed of a dozen pewter lockets, within each locket is a small replica of something he loves (cats, dolphins, golf clubs, a guitar) which you have been secretly assembling for weeks. And that, beneath the glow of the moon, you tenderly kiss each other, and proceed to connect on so many spiritual and physical levels that it feels like you have become One Perfect Being For Eternity.

And then, the following day, some jackoff says to you, “HEY, DIDJA GET LAID??? HUH? DIDJA??? HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!! SHE GOT LAID!!! HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!”

Such a jackoff would never use “fuck,” “screw,” or any other slang. In this kind of case, it is always the phrase GET LAID.

Or, another example: let’s say that, as a result of childhood abuse, you suffer from fairly serious depression and an acute terror of intimacy. Which results in a terrifying lonliness and shame; which lonliness and shame is enough for you to attempt relationships, but in the end the childhood terror wins out and you sabotage the incipient relationships, which plunges you further into lonliness and shame and etc. and you are getting over a fairly serious breakup with what could have been the one woman who might have been able to save you, but you blew it and, in the process, betrayed her so badly that she tried to overdose on Percocet, plus the anniversary of the death of your viciously abusive step-mother is in three days, and in short you are dealing with a crippling overload of horrible psycho-sexual problems and look fairly blue.

You go to your friend for advice, and the asshole says, “DUDE, LIGHTEN UP!! YOU JUST NEED TO GET LAID!! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!”

Such an asshole would never use “fuck,” “screw,” or any other slang. In this kind of case, it is always the phrase GET LAID.

And THAT is why I hate it. Unlike the gleeful obscenity of “fuck,” or the nostalgic immaturity of “diddle,” get laid has this awful, braying casualness about it, like sex is just a joke; something to be taken really lightly. I have a suspicion there is an insecurity at work, where people feel threataned by it and try to make it into a crude joke (ideally at someone else’s expense) in order to defuse their own fears. And to that, my friends, I say, suck my dick.

 

 

Um, bad date service.

So, I want to start a Bad Date service. Not a Blind Date. Bad Date. Why would a guy pay me hard-earned cash money to set him up with a girl for a horrible time? Why would a lady pay me to introduce her to some gorgeous rich guy, go to dinner, and then arrange for the waiter to spill baboon piss on him? Or go to a movie in a taxi which is rigged to break down and then just barely miss the movie? And then get mugged on the way back??? Because, no matter how many dates you go on with someone, or how well you “get along”, you DON’T KNOW SHIT about them until YOU HAVE SEEN THEM MAD. Or sad. Or frustrated beyond endurance. Everyone knows this, but no one actually USES this knowledge.

This is the most brilliant premise, is it not?? Maybe the girl that is hella boring turns out to be really reliable when the chips are down. Maybe she knows how to disarm a mugger with her bare hands. Isn’t that a little more important than “what is YOUR favorite movie?” or whatever else morons talk about on ‘good’ dates? On the other hand, maybe that totally hot guy who looks deep into your eyes, maybe he turns out to be a total bitch when he doesn’t get his way all the time. Wouldn’t you rather find this out now, before you commit??

Mr. I Like Trip-Hop and Ms. I Like Trip-Hop Too --- are they really compatible?? Enjoying similar music or clothes or making a similar amount of money, what does that predict about your future with that person? Jack shit, is what. When you are discussing compatibility, you have to discuss ANGER. Your anger has to be compatible with their outrage. When they get angry, do they sulk? Yell? Repress it and then wind up arguing with you, a week later, about some totally unimportant, unrelated subject?? Flirt with the waitress in a shameless way?? This is important, people!!! Yellers should not date sulkers. Hitters should DEFINITELY date other hitters and no one else. Silent-treatement-ers should be forced to go out with each other. And let’s not forget those who follow their angry outburst with a huge litany of excuses, dating back to that time when they were three, which the excuses are much more unendurable than the acutal outburst itself. Um, anyway.

By going out on a series of Bad Dates, you will familiarize yourself with the basic types of Ways To Express Anger / Shame / Simmering Frustration, and then find out which kind you get along with best. THIS is the key to happiness. Because when you move in with someone, they will have bad days. And so will you. Sure it sucks to be in a movie theater next to some really loud guy who is chain smoking and talking on his cell phone. But it sucks even more to move in with a girl and THEN find out that she is a prize-winning sulker who thinks you can read minds. You want the ugly girl who likes KennyG, but in the end SHE is the one who tells the loud-cell-phone-chain-smoking movie guy “a-yo, quiet down or I’ll fuck your shit up, dood.” And THAT is why people will pay me $150 for the worst date of their lives. All I need is some capital to get this business started, rent an office, put ads out, and hire like 100 of the biggest assholes I can find.

 

SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS WITH COITUS

MAUDE --Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE-- Excuse me?

MAUDE-- Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

DUDE--I was talking about my rug.

MAUDE--You're not interested in sex?

DUDE--You mean coitus?

It’s often said that sex is the ‘most intimate’ thing that two people can experience. It’s described in terms of ‘two people becoming one.’ This is utter hogwash. At best it’s an experience that illuminates the difference between the partners, at worst it’s a competition that pits them against each other.

It’s easy to read this and think, “well THIS guy must have a messed-up sex life.” But I’m not talking about my sex life, I’m talking about YOURS, whether you know it or not. I’m talking about problems that everyone experiences, because these problems are built into the system of sex: they are SYSTEMIC. And these systemic problems are called. . .

. . .straight people.

Don’t give me any garbage about how God made the little pee-pee just the right shape and position to fit in the little poon-hole. Straight-people-sex is totally un-natural and alienating. This is probably the first time you’ve ever heard something this patently retarded so I’ll pause here and break it down:

You’re on a date. You go to the movie, and you both see the same movie. Then you get some ice cream. You both taste the same ice cream. Then you start having foreplay. You kiss. Your lips both taste like ice cream. So far, every experience has been mutual. Both people will remember doing the same things the same way. That’s intimacy. Then you start fornicating—BOOM. End of similar sensations. End of similar memories. You are now using totally different organs that the other person doesn’t have, feeling sensations, from start to finish, that the other person will never feel in their life. . . If you’re paying attention to anything besides your own selfish pleasure, you’re going to notice that sex is the time when you are MOST SEPARATE from your partner. By any standard, that’s the OPPOSITE of intimate.

Bitch!

The guy is trying hard NOT to come, the girl is trying hard TO come, one person is trying to stay hard, another person is trying to stay . .. tight .. or loose, or something, how the hell should I know? That’s my whole point! I’m a guy, I have no idea what the hell goes through a woman’s mind during sex.

Not only does it illustrate – better than any other activity – the separation between the two lovers, it also actively pits them against each other.

Scientists have developed a theory about human interaction: we’re all playing games. There’s the good kind, called a ‘NON-ZERO-SUM-GAME’, where both people can win. For instance, if I trade some wheat from my farm for some meat from your farm, then we both have a balanced diet. Or if I teach you how to make a polio vaccine—I don’t forget how to make one myself. Or if two bearded old bulldaggers are doing it in your Mom’s room while she’s at work. These are non-zero-sum games, and straight-people-sex isn’t like that.

Straight-people sex is what game theorists call a ZERO=SUM GAME. That means that, in order for someone to win, someone else has to lose. If the lady comes, she can keep on coming. But if the guy comes, it’s over. This turns even the best sex into something of a race: “ha ha, I’m done! Later! Zzzzzzzzzzz.” And this is why female stand-up comedians don’t have to tell 100% menstruation jokes. The other example of a sexual zero-sum game in is, of course: pregnancy. “ha ha, I’m pregnant! Now we have to get married!”

Q: Who has these kinds of problems?

A: NOT HOMOS.

But even if you take the straight people and put them in a small internment camp somewhere . . someplace with plenty of school vouchers and diapers and Walmarts, there will still be sex problems. Because the real villain isn’t sexual difference. The real villain is THE DING DONG.

Half of women have no idea how to orgasm. The other half are totally multi-orgasmic and just won’t shut up about it. Men are more united in our dysfunction. Whether gay or straight, we share a common problem: we (apart from Mr. Viagra Bob Dole) can only come once. Sex feels good, so we want to come. But once we come, the sex is over. It’s a textbook case of bait-and-switch. Kick back and smell the irony! The very pleasure of sex is what kills it off!! it’s like Microsoft installed a ‘reformat hard disk’ switch right next to the ‘save’ button. Or INSIDE the ‘save’ button. Just a hideous systemic flaw.

This is the zero-sum-game to end all zero-sum-games. Because, see, even if you take away the women, AND take away the hot, hung gay guys, even if all we’re left with is one single solitary guy jerking off. . .he’s STILL in conflict WITH HIMSELF.

Damn.

comments? got your own tale of heartbreak? click here!

So in the past, I've written some articles (=rants)  you knew that)) about female behavior (4 main types of women, the Ogling double standards, Inter-girl Competition, etc). some have called me 'mysoginist' because I have recommended that women no longer be allowed in nightclubs.  But just to prove that I am a sensitive California guy, just to prove that I can and do feel your pain, I have written some more rants (rants: is there any problem they CAN'T solve?) about the plight of women in today's male-dominated society.  And these new, kinder, gentler, more sensitive rants I am calling:

WOMEN: WHY IT SUCKS TO BE THEM

 

 

Part one : YOUNG WOMEN

 

1) young women (trapped in patriarchal media-dominated society, plight of)

young women are caught in a trap.  Mainstream culture sends them positive messages like, 'you should love yourself, you should be powerful and stand out from the crowd'. . . at the same time, they are told the ONLY WAY to love yourself / be powerful / express yourself, is to be a slutty pop star and show tits and ass.

 

It's easy to hate pop stars for being 'bad role models' or 'inappropriately dressed'... but honestly I don't think this is the right solution.  Because this kind of simplification isn't going to make the pop stars act differently.  All it does is divide girls into a  'good girl - vs - bad girl'  battle.  And when girls fight each other, boys win.

 

The fact is, everyone wants to feel sexy sometimes.  There is nothing INHERENTLY wrong with loving your body or dressing in a short skirt sometimes.  Even I dress in a short skirt sometimes.

 

The problem is, the magazines / tv / movies / radio that ONLY show bitches in tiny skirts. The lack of balance is the real problem- live superbowl nipples or visible thongs is not the scandal.  the total erasure of smart or creative girls is the real scandal...or should I say the NON-scandal, because it's an absence rather than a spectacle (buzzword : +10 points) it's easy to miss.  Particularly when The Man wants you to not notice this erasure.

 

To understand my train of thought better, let's peer into an alternate world where things don't suck:

 

IF there were 3 young girls who were internationally famous, beloved role models (and rich too) because they were geologists.... AND there were ANOTHER 3 rich, famous, influential girls who got famous because they were kickass painters, AND another 3 celebrity girls who were mathematicians, AND another 3 who were famous for being historians or politicians or programmers.....

 

. . . . .THEN it would be cool to have 2 or 3 girls ALSO get famous because of their sexiness.  It's not a 'good girl' vs. 'bad girl' issue.  But the fact is, the world is NOT that cool, and pop stars ARE  making a mint off of ignorance.  I bet you a million bucks (which I would also have in an ideal world) that if there was unbiased coverage of young women doing all these diverse  (+5 points) things   (i.e. famous geologists and neroscientists and painters and documentary videomakers and mercenaries and pundits) then most young girls probably wouldn't WANT to be like the pop stars. So the pop stars are profiting off of girls' ignorance and profiting off of the lie that the only way to be loved / famous is to show titty.  Plus their songs suck.  Except 'love don't cost a thing.'  I really like that one.  This is TOO germane.

 

But when parents start saying, "well you can't wear those pants you are too young"...  to the kids, the PARENTS sound like Big Brother, pushing around the kids.  Which is exasperating, isn't it?  In pop culture, being powerful means you DON'T have to be shrill. 

 

the real big brother is  time/warner/aol and Viacom and rolling stone, etc.  because their influence is so subtle and pervasive, the kids don't even understand that they are being sold an ideology along with their CDs and videos. 

 

I think the best way to deal with it is for parents to create their own little network... take their kids to visit female scientists and authors and whatever.  also don't order your kids around. From an early age, teach them to think critically (because God knows the schools won't).... Teach them to scan incoming messages for ideology and bias before they swallow them. 

 

If that doesn't work, the parents should start dressing in sexy lingere and black leather codpieces when the 12 year old girls come down for dinnertime.  Be all like, 'yeah, I just read this interview with so-and-so and she says she's just expressing herself and she loves her body.  Wow, now she is my role model too. Don't you like it when your mom expresses herself? Finish your broccoli.'

 

(END RANT, CUE ANDY ROONEY - STYLE OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR)

 

The other interesting thing about pop stars nowadays is,  in the old days (i.e. infinity - 1984)  women would use sex appeal to

a) cover up a lack of talent

b) appeal to men

 

but the recent crop of pop stars actually ARE talented (if voice lessons on the Mickey Mouse Club from age 6 onwards count), and it's mostly young girls buying their CDs.  "does anyone else find this as weird / counterintuitive as I do?"

 

comments? got your own tale of heartbreak? click here!

SEMI-RELATED RANT:

POP STARS AND GENDER (+ 10 more points, if you're still keeping track)

 

(also, you are not crazy if you are thinking, 'isn't this drifting further and further away from the theme "women and why it sucks to be them?".  Yes, it is.  but  that is why this is a webpage, and not an article in a famous magazine or a critically acclaimed book of essays.  Damn, now I'm busting on MYSELF.)

 

while listening to NPR a few years back, at the height of the Thong Controversy (or was it the  Midriff Conspiracy) (at any rate it was well before Nipplegate) (is America a great country or what?).... They had a call-in show. Subject was, "what is up with britney spears making 12 year olds dress like prostitutes?".  As with most people, half the fun of call-in radio shows is yelling at the tuner, "dude, shut up! I could have said what you said twice as  articulately and in half the time!"  various people weighed in on both sides of the issue:  personal expression vs. corporate greed.  But NO ONE thought to ask the most basic question: what about gender? These aren't  any random 12 year olds. They're 12 year old  GIRLS. The importance of gender isn't really obvious until you consider the opposite: what if, as a result of backstreet boys and new kids on the block, millions of 12 year old boys started dressing like a Polk Street hustler?  With itty bitty cutoff shorts and half shirts and little teeny cockrings? 

The discussion would not be about 'is NKOTB bad role models or are they just expressing themselves?'.  The discussion would begin and end with : DUDE, ARE THESE LITTLE KIDS GAY OR WHAT????   and yet,  when GIRLS dress like sluts because they idolize a sexy grown woman, no one will ever ask, 'so does that make those girls gay or what?'  I'm not saying it's an intelligent question. I'm just saying that this example points out the very different and unspoken assumptions we as a culture have about our kids, is all I'm saying.  Dude.

 

comments? got your own tale of heartbreak? click here!

WOMEN: SUCKS TO BE THEM, PART TWO
MIDDLEAGED WOMEN, (trapped in patriarchal society, plight and suckiness of lifestyle of)

 

I fear that I am sort of re-inventing the wheel here. given the preposterous amount of time that single middleaged women have on their hands, I'm sure there have already been 100 best-selling books written on just this topic.  And, should I find such a book, which says just what I am about to say here, I will be HELLA embarrassed.  But , on the off-chance that my take on this topic might be a little unique - a little unusual, a little nutty--  I'm going to go on and rant some. 

 

 

It sucks to be a middle-aged woman because you're done with your partying days, done with your being promiscuous, and now you want a husband.  In other words, you expect more from a man (in terms of commitment, love, eternal sharing of property) at the very time when you have less and less to offer: you're not as pretty as the younger girls, you're probably cut off from lots of your married  friends (who might have been able to hook you up), and maybe you're super obsessed with your job and getting that big promotion.

 

Plus there is another hurdle:  playboys.  Dudes that prey on lonely women.  when you are 20 and you go out with some guy, if it works out, you can go steady. If it doesn't work out, you can just have a nice fuck and then get on with your life. You can take these chances and just see where it leads.   But if you do that when you're 35, you run the risk of becoming The Desperate Old Lady.  It's the female equivalent of the 40 year old guy at the seven-eleven in L.A. with the ponytail who still tells everyone he's "this close" to getting a major record deal for his played out eighties glam band.  just wincingly embarrassing.  The female version is:  some lady getting all pumped up about this new guy who will rescue her from her solitary life, getting super duper into it, and then it turns out all he wanted was an easy fuck and then he bails.  Just, ouch.  The spectre of turning into That Desperate Old Lady is so daunting that lots of smart women would rather just NEVER fuck than run even a tiny risk of getting played.    So as the number of dudes willing to date you goes way down, your paranoia level re: those dudes goes way up.  This is just bad news.  

 

SHITTY SUCKKY THING NUMBER THREE:  husband material.  Even if he's not a playboy, you have to ask yourself:  "will he be a good husband?  Sure, it's our first date, but can I tell if he's husband material by the way he drives us to see a movie?  Probably not.  But maybe I can at least find a CLUE by the way he holds his fork when he eats chicken??"  See, these are things that 20 year olds do not have to worry about.  Even if you don't WANT to think about the 'husband material' issue, it's going to be there in the back of your mind.  The standards are higher, the pressure is much greater even though the dudes are much fewer.  

 

Guys get old too and ugly too. But we get to take advantage of 2 important double standards:  our society approves of older-dude, younger-lady pairs. AND middle-aged dudes generally are making the most money they will ever make in life, which attracts women who are into the shiny things. 

So:  this puts the women, through no fault of their own, in a uniquely screwed position.

Playboy paranoia, husband material, career busy-ness, awful anyone-over-20-is-ugly Hollywood brainwashing, sexist double standards about age..... that's a lot to deal with.  It would be easy, and compassionate, to end the rant here.  but the fact  .... The sad, sad fact is, a lot of  you gals just bring it on yourselves.   Often, the few guys that  make it past the age-discrimination, the player paranoia, and the husband-material-test, .. . . they get scared off by your 'I don't need a man' attitude.

 

No one wants to look square in the mirror and say, "I'm unloved."  That is just some ill shit right there.  So  a lot of women say, 'well, I don't want a man anyway. I'm too busy with the career.  I'm NOT sad. I'm NOT lonely.  I'm a powerful woman who is doing things her own way and if boys don't like that, tough.  I'm NOT lonely.  I am just too busy right now.'   every year you tell yourself these lies just adds another thick layer to the crusty outer shell which guys have to break through in order to free you from your own misery.    Denial means you scare off the guys. which increases the lonliness. Which increases the denial. And it becomes a vicious circle. 

 

Sure, lots of single guys are lonely.  And  some of them are in  denial too.  But, because of a) the middleaged guys benefiting from the age/sex double standard and b) because white-collar guys don't have a bug up their butt about having to prove they are successful/happy/can make it in the 'men's world', denial is wayyyy less of a problem for men. 

 

Advice? I have none.  I just wanted to make people aware of what middleaged single women are up against.  Guys:  try to have some understanding.  Young women:  you might not think this will happen to you, but EVERY SINGLE MIDDLEAGED SINGLE WOMAN thought the same thing at your age.  Maybe take more initiative and lower your standards if they're crazy high.  Older ladies:  I still think you are awesome.  Maybe try to go to totally new places like punk rock shows or  computer stores or  jail. 

comments? got your own tale of heartbreak? click here!

WOMEN: WHY IT SUCKS TO BE THEM... PART THREE

why it SUCKS TO BE A WOMAN WHO ENJOYS SEX

 

if a guy is all, 'dude, i'm into porn and coitus!' then he might get labeled a sexist or a goon. . . but no one is doubting what he means by that. and no one is questioning his masculinity.

 

but if a woman is all 'dude, i'm into porn and coitus!' no one will call her a sexist, but she will totally be plunged into an identity crisis .....her femininity will be questioned, AND no one will be sure exactly what she means by 'i'm into porn and coitus!'

 

this identity crisis happens  because we live in a culture that says men=horny, and women=not.

 

and no one knows for sure how much is biology and how much is sexist doctrine.

 

put another way, are women originally as horny as guys, but our civilization demands  that they act modest, to the point where even they don't know what they really want?

 

or ARE women just naturally less horny?  Compelled by biology to trade  sex only for  commitment and babies? 

 

if a woman is like 'sex=good', does that mean she is liberating her 'true' nature from society's shackles?  or is she just acting like a dude? or just trying to fulfill some male fantasy?

 

 It's not just whores  and sluts that get bludgeoned by the 'virgin/whore' dichotomy.  The virgins also suffer.  I mean, not like suffering from having your hand run though a belt-sander in slow motion, but suffer like, "I have no idea what I really want from guys and sex. Gah!"  the idea of not knowing what you want is kind of extreme. It sounds a little paranoid, doesn't it?  but think about the  twin messages women get ALL THE TIME:  from the parents "if you have sex you're a slut."  From everyone else "it's on every video and pop stars do it and it's the only way to be popular."  Repeat these messages every day  for like 18 years and it's not so far-fetched that girls might not really know what the hell they want.

 

to make matters even more confusing, BOTH sides of the nature vs. nurture dilemma can be read as sexist.  for instance, if you say men are more horny / into porn / born cheaters, this could be seen as 'male bashing'  OR it could be seen as 'boys will be boys' justification.  and if anthropologists / biologists find evidence that females cheat just as much as men do, and always have, is that a victory or defeat for women? 

 

which of course, neither complaint ('male bashing' / 'justifying cheating men' ) has any bearing on the actual biological facts, right?  but it certainly stifles debate to some extent.

 

based on nothing but stand up comedy (for years my only source of 'facts of life'), i would say that women cheat as often as men, but men naturally like porn more.

comments? got your own tale of heartbreak? click here!

 women: why it sucks to be them part four

FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS = NURTURING + NOT

female friendships aren't buddy-buddy like guys'.  or casual like guys.  on the surface they seem much more deep and meaningful and caring and nurturing than guys' friendships: the hugs are longer, the giggling is louder, the private stuff discussed for much longer. I doubt I'm the only guy who, while sitting quietly with his male pals at a table, looks at the group of women at the next table laughing loudly and hugging, and feels a little jealous. "why do girls get to have all the fun?"   . . . But the fact is that all this 'intimate nurturing' stuff is just because women just fucking flip on each other over the least provocation, and try to isolate their rivals and poison their friends against them too.  so the threat of ostracism is so great, women HAVE to agree on everything, HAVE to have super long hugs, etc,  ... just to constantly cement and re-cement the friendship.

 

because they know one day they will accidentally utter an opinion that contradicts their friend's opinion, and if hthey haven't built up enough emotional credit in the bank (via months of hugs, loud giggles, constantly agreeing and re-agreeing over trivial things) then BOOM the whole friendship will turn into full blown bitch battle.  you can say that  adult women don't often have full blown bitch battles.  but that doesn't mean women aren't THINKING in this way. it just means that they learned their lessons so well in junior high or high school... so well that they really can't imagine strongly disagreeing or acting casual or telling the truth to their adult friends, male or female.  not surprisingly,  these latter types of women don't understand men's buddy-style friendships too well.  the other kind of woman is the tomboy who totally understands male friendships. because she  MOSTLY has guy friends.  Tomboys have their own problems, too, but that's another rant.

 

my source for this rant is the amazing book :  (Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls)

comments? got your own tale of heartbreak? click here!

SEX: WARNING LABELS I'D LIKE TO SEE 

My pen-pal (a middleaged woman from the USA) was saying that she knows this staggering, uncanny, twilight-zone-y number of housewives that just don't want sex anymore... and they are only in their early thirties!  My response (besides 'WHAUH.......?')   Was this:  shit, the MTV version of sex is no better than the celibacy.  Here's the MTV version:  'this is something that should only be done by gym-toned 21 year old millionaires, and it's always happy and never awkward, and no one gets pregnant or AIDS. and if you are not doing it 24 hours a day you are a loser, because it is the only way to happiness.  plus money.'

 

if the choices were celibacy and MTV brainwashing, i would choose celibacy.

 

again. 

 

Not only is the elietism  offensive,  and the idea that being creative / smart / interesting has no worth..... the idea that there are NO CONSEQUENCES is really fucking offensive. 

 

Why can't I see just one video where the guy gets hit with a paternity suit from one of the booty-girls at the end?   Or it cuts to the rapper, bleary-eyed, getting up at 2 am to change baby's diaper. Baby all screaming loud enough to wake the dead. And just when rapper gets back to bed the baby starts screaming again, for milk this time. Close-up of his eyes, bleary and bloodshot, opening for the 40th time that night.  Cut to rapper wearing one of those 'male breast' milk harnesses and feeding the infant.  Going  back to bed.  Then the OTHER baby starts screaming.   That would be a fuckin' video I would watch.  Damn.   Cars and guns and even toothpaste comes with warning labels on the package.  But packaged sex doesn't, despite being even more ubiquitous. 

 

Even if you leave out the after-sex consequences..... the mental problems of sex ALONE are enough to totally wreck any music video or movie love scene.

 

The  awkwardness.  Weird stains and odors.  Impotence or premature ejaculation.  Trying a new position and falling out like once every five seconds.  Post-coital guilt and shame.   One person is horny and the other is just doing them a 'favor' and being really resentful about it.  performance anxiety.  Frigid or dead-fish women.  dead-fish men.  People that fuck you really hard but they're thinking of someone else.  Or they're just trying to impress you with their mad skillz but they're emotionally totally absent. Condoms that strangle.   Greedy or selfish lovers. Sex where no one comes.  The list of sexual faux pas is endless. 

 

Wouldn't  you love to see a movie where the famous star  films a love scene that looks all slick and perfect and quote 'hot', and then goes home and has REAL sex with their husband, which is totally awkward and unsatisfying? 

 

Actually That's an unfair comparison.  Because, even when these perfect-looking people are filming these 'perfect, slick, no consequences' sexy movies, it's STILL just as awkward as 'real sex' ... if not MORE awkward.  All the cameramen watching.  Cables and hot lights everywhere. Directors yelling, 'wait, a little to the left. Ok, now, from the beginning and act like you mean it!'.... the 'perfect movie sex' only happens afterwards when they edit it and remove all the fuckups and change the lighting and add special effects and stunt-peeni.   At the time they're performing, these people are not feeling passion. They've been at work for 12 hours and they just want to go home. They are not having more fun than you or me.  They are just doing their job. 

 

We all know that, so why do we still feel envy?? 

 

I've read books by LL COOL J and DMC ( of RUN DMC fame).  They both say basically that they had a lot of sex with groupies but later decided that it was totally empty and unfulfilling (wouldn't YOU like to be empty and unfulfilled that way?) and then discovered jesus and now they are much happier. 

 

I don't know if jesus is more fun than sex with an 18 year old with huge thingies, but I do think that it's cool for these guys to tarnish the music-video image of sex a little.

 

 Of course, MY rock-star video would take it a little further:

It would include the following SEXY THINGS:

Overpopulation.  (Montage:  the pope, condoms, starving Ethiopian fly-covered kids, limbless 8 year old beggars in Calcutta)

Rape.

Dudes fighting over bitches and someone winds up dead or in jail.

Rape.

AIDS, chlamidiya, warts, crabs, gonnharea, herpes, ummm....

Abortion and unwanted babies. (montage:  fetus, abortion operation,  middle aged lady getting fired because she's too pregnant to work anymore, 15 year old girls taking their babies to homeroom because the 23-year old father just left town,  crazy swamp families with 14 kids that they can't feed)

Parents sexually molesting their kids

Heartbreak. (montage: wife sitting at home drinking and crying (and watching booty-girl videos of perfect, no-consequences sex? No, that's too heavy-handed. If there is one thing I don't do, it's heavy-handed satire.) while husband is out just fucking the shit out of some fat dude with a beard and a tattoo that reads "DAMN!")

 

You'll noticed in the above paragraph I said 'sexy things' .... Probably you thought I was just joking.  But All these things are A DIRECT RESULT OF SEX. So why aren't they considered 'sexy?'  I mean you can't have overpopulation, incest, mass starvation, and back-alley abortions without sex.  So on what basis do people put those 'bad things' in a separate category? If you're going to look at sex AT ALL you should be looking at the whole picture. 

 

 

 

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GULLIBLE WOMEN, COWARDLY MEN

or

why is it feminist to say that Asian women are easy?

There's a certain assumption that guys who go to asia are instantly carousing with like 2 different women every night, no matter how unpopular they were at home . guys like this assumption because it's a sexy fantasy.Western women like this assumption too, because it fits their idea of men pushing everyone around.

This assumption causes a certain amount of suspicion and distrust between the sexes, both in America, and among foreigners living in japan.The suspicion and distrust is totally unnecessary , because this 'instant-pimp' stereotype is total BULLSHIT. It's weird how women are ready to believe the worst about guys being dogs, players, etc, but they don't believe that guys would, as Bushwick Bill put it, "lie on Jim." That is, lie about how many girls they'd fucked.

Guys exaggerate their sexual powers as much as women lie about how pure and unhorny they are. Even in places like Thailand where guys go to pay for sex, most of those guys wind up getting totally 'whipped by the first hooker they bang, and before you know it Mr. "I'm going to bang me so many hoes, I'm a player" is totally in love with her, paying the girl's bills and she's just sitting around his apartment smoking all his weed and getting all fat until the guy is flat broke and has to run home with his tail between his legs. (I got this information from this amazing book called PATPONG SISTERS. The book is kind of insane but often makes sense, so you should read it if you can find it cheap, which, like, how hard is that? It's totally in the bulk bins) But anyway, when Mr. Thai-whore-fucker gets home, is he going to tell his friends, 'DUDE I WAS SO WHIPPED LIKE INSTANTLY, I WAS PATHETIC'??? of course not! And so the myth that white guys dominate Asian women lives on.

It's funny, to see some feminists thinking they're so smart because they're making these elaborate theories about how race, sex, economics, and colonialism contribute to Asian women being dominated. . . when, in fact, they're totally dumb for believing guys' lies. if they were REALLY smart, they'd just be like, "dude, SHUT UP. You weren't a player at home and you sure as hell didn't turn into a player overseas. You didn't dominate even one woman. . . .

. . .so stop lying, fag!"

And while women bear some responsibility because of being totally gullible, guys bear even more responsibility for being outright cowardly! Because, no guy wants to be the first one to step forward and say, 'THIS IMAGE IS TOTAL BULLSHIT! I'M NOT GETTING LAID ANY MORE THAN I DID IN AMERICA! GIRLS HERE WON'T EVEN LET ME PAY FOR THEIR DRINKS!! ' : that will just not ever happen. No guy has the balls to 'take one for the team' and admit this simple truth. Even though, once the truth is out, both sexes will get along better in the long run.

OK, sure, there is a certain amount of attention you will get when you move to ANY foreign country, just because the local people are curious about you, and you're curious about them. And foreign women get that advantage in japan just as much as (or more than) the guys-just ask all the high-paid blonde hostesses. But since few foreign women go to japan in the first place, they don't experience this attention in the numbers that guys do . . . which makes them assume that travel to Asia is a 'guy thing', so they continue to stay away, and this just creates a vicious circle.

This is not my problem. If women avoid asia because they think it's a sexist pig's paradise, or because 'guys only go there for the women.' . . . .then it's the WOMEN who are being sexist. It's not only unfair to the guys, but it also demeans the asian women by assuming that they really ARE that easy. Also, Western women who avoid Asia are just plain hurting THEMSELVES because they're missing out on a lot of cool stuff.

On a slightly related note, I was reading some internet diatribe, some long-ass forum argument about 'WHY DO MORE FOREIGN GUYS COME TO JAPAN THAN FOREIGN WOMEN?' the thread was started by some Japanese guy basically accusing foreign guys of coming here for naughty reasons. As if 1) mad phat amounts of Japanese guys didn't go to Thailand, malasiya, etc. to score in much more exploitive conditions, and 2) as if Japanese women aren't writing 90% of the 'I want to make foreign friends' ads. Why is AngryInternetGuy blaming the 'other' guys for saying yes if 'his' gals are offering?

I mean, sure there IS an imbalance in foreigners. But why blame the guys? Why doesn't AngryInternetGuy instead ask the foreign women, 'WHY ARE YOU NOT COMING TO JAPAN AND GETTING SOME OF THIS ASIAN DICK? Why are you so stuck up about? Why are you so much more afraid to take chances than the foreign guys? Did women's lib even happen over there in your dumb western country?'

 

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THE 'NO GAMES!' OLYMPICS!

Many personal ads say, "no games!"

But almost no one ever actually says WHAT the games are.
It's a shame. So many people are getting burned all the time since we don't share our knowledge of the 'games.' People start out innocent, and have to aquire their dating wisdom the hard way-when they get burned. Wouldn't you have liked to learn from the mistakes of others, so you would not get burned so often? It's too late for you, you sorry wreck, but by working together, we can still help others! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!

What I propose is this: I'll post the most common games I know of. And you can add YOUR games to the list. This way, everyone benefits. New, innocent daters will be educated without having to learn about games the hard way. People who are the victims of those games can vent about it ANONYMOUSLY, and get their stories told. Venting always feels good, like you're having the last laugh. And people who PLAY games can kind of deal with their guilt by warning others! Men, women, straight, and gay can all contribute instead of squabbling with each other. Isn't that nifty?

It's a win-win situation.

So - without further ado- here's the. . .

INCOMPLETE LIST OF 'NO GAMES!' GAMES…

 

4/9 new games i discovered:

 

african-american games

submitted by an alert reader

1. I am different than all other women. I do not want your money, actually I like to reciprocate in relationships, 50/50. Now that I have moved in I can work when I want and you can pay all the bills , plus when I don’t maintain my car I can use yours because that’s your purpose.

 

2. I like drama so much that I am going to physically attack you if you do not argue with me. Especially knowing the police will STILL arrest you with your black eye, busted lip , bloody nose and scratch marks.

 

3. This isn’t your child but because the guy I cheated with is no good I am going to put it on you, besides I slept with him and you the same day four times in two weeks.

 

4. I like you but I want you with emotional baggage, so let’s get together right after a bad relationship you just left. What? you want to wait until you emotionally recover? Well, now you are only friend material.

 

5. I want to be your girl. Lets have sex to celebrate. (after sex) Nah that’s ok, why don’t we just stay friends. (6 months later)  I want to marry you because you are the only one I can think of.  And still a year later she is still calling.

 

6. I don’t want you as a boyfriend, even though we finish each others sentences and by my admission you treat me better than other men have. I just want you for periodical hot sex. So if you want a real girlfriend, you should choose the other girl.  Now, you suck because you are with the other girl! . . . buuuuut even though you suck, I still want sex. Choose me. Now that she drove you off, I want sex but no relationship.  You are back together, I want you again.  No contact anymore after that.

 

7. “you’re not worth our time because you don’t make enough money and you don’t wear fancy clothes.” Buuut. . .if you even LOOK at a woman of another race, we’ll come after you saying “oh so its like that, all the 'sisters' around here interested in you and you go to the 'other'.  we knew you were a sellout, what our butts arent flat enough?  you are just talking to her because she is white.”

www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com

NEW GAMES I JUST INVENTED :

older games


1) Did I mention I'm married?
2) I will say I love you until you put out and I run away
3) Dinner whore
4) On the rebound from a long relationship, looking to hurt someone the way I was hurt
5) I'm pretty sure my ex will take me back, (in a month or two) but I need someone to be a backup lover until the ex calls me again
6) Watch me have a great time on the first date, but then never return your phone calls afterwards!
7) My ex WON'T take me back so I'm looking for an exact duplicate of my ex, and I'll blame you if you fall short
8) I have no fucking idea what I want. . . If you pursue me, I'll avoid you. But if you withdraw, I'll come after you.
9) I want the emotional intimacy of a lover - someone to call at 1 AM and complain about stuff, and do errands with - without any of the messy physical stuff a lover does.
10) Even though we're having sex, I'll still maintain that we're not 'going out' so I can continue to date other people, until I make up my mind in or around 2034.

OK, now it's your turn. email me with your OWN games: games you've played with others, or games you've been burned by, or games you've just been told about. It's anonymous and good for the community. Together we can make a brighter future.

 

follow-up: GAMES SUBMITTED BY MY SPIES, ALLIES, AND AMATEUR PSYCHOLOGISTS ON DA RISE:

(WfW version)

ONLINE PERSONAL AD GAMES submitted by bitter readers:

games for guys, submitted by anonymous but perceptive readers:


 

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EVERY WOMAN I KNOW, SUMMED UP IN FOUR EASY PIECES:

PART ONE:

Lady: oh, I'm so ugly, I'm so ugly, I'd better lose 10 pounds. I'll never meet my dream guy like this. I need a nose job, once I get a nose job and lose 10 pounds everything will be perfect, but god I'm so ugly

Guy: hi, you're pretty. Want to see a movie?

Lady: shut up, you're a loser. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm so ugly, I'm so fat, I need a boob job and some liposuction, I'll never meet a man like this, god when does the gym open. . .

PART TWO:

Guy: would you like to go to coffee?
Girl: ew, you guys only want one thing. That's creepy and gross. You're a pervert. I'm so insulted. I would never hang out with a horny bad pervert like you.
Guy: actually I'm not attracted to you. I honestly think you're interesting and I want to be your friend
Girl: ew, that's so insulting. I can't believe you said that. you think I'm fat and ugly. God, I would never hang out with a rude guy like you that thinks I'm fat.

PART THREE:

NICE GUY: hi, how are you?
<girl machine: leave a message at the tone!>
NICE GUY: haven't heard from you in a while, are you ok?
<girl machine: leave a message at the tone!>
NICE GUY: um, my grandma's dying, can you please give us a lift to the hospital?
<girl machine: leave a message at the tone!>

-- 3 months pass--


FEMALE: hello, Nice Guy?
NICE GUY: <picking up receiver> hello?
FEMALE: oh my god, I've missed you SO MUCH! My boyfriend just dumped me, and I need you to come over RIGHT NOW, and cheer me up! and bring those romantic CDs I like, ok?
NICE GUY: uh. . . ok…
FEMALE: also bring a dry erase board, I need to draw a chart of all the new guys who are into me, and I need your help to pick the best guy, because I need to get laid right away.


PART FOUR:

woman: Eww, that guy was so creepy and boring. Did you see how he was all over me?
pal: you go, girl.
Woman: I can't believe he made me sit there for an hour talking to him, and forced me to agree with his dumb opinions, and held a gun to my head and made me laugh at his lame jokes. What a jerk.
Pal: you go, girl.
Woman: I swear if that conversation went on another hour, I would have started talking about something I wanted to talk about, that's how boring he was.

Pal: you go, girl.

Where does he get off making me pretend to like him like that? some guys just don't have a clue. As if I have nothing better to do than waste an hour listening to some ugly boring guy, who I'd never sleep with, just to build up my fragile self esteem. and then do it again tomorrow. And then the day after that.

(pause)

(both together) : MEN!!

 

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FIRST TIMES AND THE LADDER OF ROMANCE:

Here's a little romance hint that applies equally to prudes and playas: when you're with a partner, the 'first times' should be more important. Whether it's the first time you tenderly hold hands or the first time you shove a live eel up someone's snatch, first times should be treated with much more reverence and respect. Even if the universe lasts 3,000,000,000 years, there can only be ONE first time; it's unique.

 

Here is my belief: before you do something for the first time, kick back with your partner and clear your mind. you want to anticipate what you're going to do. then do X,Y or Z. Then just chill and let the memory percolate through your brain. The human brain is restless. . . we're all programmed to want more even if we seem to 'have it all.' Even if you and your partner stay together for years, you're bound to get hell of BORED doing XY and Z with him, her or it. but you will always have the exciting memory of the 'first time' when it was new and special. . . but only if you BOTHERED to properly remember the first time. So don't fuck it up, pimp-face.

Another way of promoting that important 'first time feeling' is to go very slowly with your partner. Don't just go from 'first kiss' to 'first handjob'. . . you could do 'first kiss on the nose,' followed by 'first kiss on the philtrum' and 'first kiss on the chin' . . .you could actually spend a month just doing kissing, before you move on to more sexy pursuits. Challenge each other to see who can come up with new innovative 'first times'.

A good way to keep from moving too fast is to imagine intimacy as a ladder.

No matter what your fetish is-romantic snuggler or sexual athelete, sheep-shagger or chronic masturbator-everyone agrees that certain acts are more erotic than others. Everone has a 'ladder of intimacy,' with certain less-hot things at the bottom and orgasm at the top. Even if they arrange the rungs of the ladder in a different order, everyone still has the same basic ladder. Here's where most people are different than me, by which I mean WRONG: They want to get a fast orgasm so they rush up the ladder. Well, bullshit, Walter. No matter what the rungs are on your personal ladder, everyone has this in common: you can't back down!!! Once you fuck someone, you'll never get the same charge out of holding their hand or caressing their cheek. Stuff that used to be hot foreplay turns into a chore you 'have to' do in order to get to the orgasm.

Plus, if you fuck someone right away, they could later turn out to be a total jerk. If you take your time going up the ladder, you'll not only get better foreplay but you'll probably have time to find out if your partner is a jerk-before you put out and get played!

The trick to getting the most pleasure out of your partner, as well as getting to know them much better, is to proceed up the ladder as SLOWLY as possible. You'll never enjoy kissing so much after you 'move up the ladder' …So the trick is to just wring every last drop of enjoyment out of kissing!! Just do it to DEATH. Besides getting maximum enjoyment out of kissing, this delay will also make both of you more grateful and stoked when you finally move to the next rung!

 

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CONFESSION


Sometimes when I'm driving by myself, I'll be feeling down because I'm single. On these occasions, sometimes I'll stop at a red light and check the rearview mirror to pass the time. Sometimes these cursory rear-mirror checks reveal a straight couple in the car behind me.

 

Being a romantic person, I start yelling at the top of my lungs, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DIPSHIT?!??! GET OUT OF THE CAR, GO TO HER SIDE, OPEN THE DOOR, KNEEL DOWN RIGHT THERE IN THE GUTTER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER, AND SHE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO YOU!!! I HAVEN'T HAD A DATE IN MONTHS, BUT YOU HAVE THIS TOTALLY HOT BABE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN KISSING HER ASS???????" but the sad thing is, even if those guys DID get out of the car, go to her side, open her door, and kneel down in the gutter looking up into her eyes and confessing their undying love. . . the girls would most likely get all suspicious and be like. . .' What the hell are you talking about? WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO NICE ALL OF A SUDDEN? WHAT ARE YOU ACTING SO GUILTY ABOUT?!?WHAT DID YOU DO? FUCK MY SISTER? YOU FUCKED MY SISTER, DIDN'T YOU?!?? YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!'
And then I'm suddenly glad I'm single.

 

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REJECTION RANT


It all comes down to responsibility. If I like you, I can't just mope in a corner, feeling sorry for myself, and hoping you will come up and start talking. . . I have a responsibility to ask you out. if I'm rejected, I have a responsibility to be a god damn gentleman about it. I can't start phoning you at 3 AM calling you a tease or demanding a recount.


But you have a responsibility too! you have to handle the rejection properly. And make no mistake, there is a right and a wrong way to handle a rejection. If you fuck up the rejection, and I start calling you at 3 AM, it IS your fault.


So therefore, let me present THE HOME DESPOT RULES OF REJECTION.


Obviously the first rule is, don't reject at all if you can help it.

If you're single you should at least try to date the victim. At the worst you get a free meal, and you never have to see them again. At best, maybe you'll find out something surprising and cool about them on the date! Maybe they're not at all like you think. . . . so why should they pay the price for your ignorant assumptions? Just go on the date, and ask a bunch of rude, interesting, dishy questions to see if your assumptions are correct! So if someone asks you out, ask yourself a simple question: "If I was asking out the person of MY dreams, would I prefer that they give me a chance, or would I prefer that they just snub me?"


If you can't bring yourself to answer this question honestly, we move on to rule #2.


Be polite but direct. Direct as in, 'no. sorry, no. never.' Because if you try to be nice and say something like 'not right now,' they're just going to ask again later. So that wastes your time and wastes their time too. if they keep asking you out in the months that follow, DON'T blame them for being 'unable to take a hint.' If they're asking you to dinner or dancing, they are being straight-up with you. If you're not being straight-up back, you're not taking responsibility and YOU'RE the lame one, not them.

Maybe it seems scary to directly say no. But remember if you say 'never!' and they get mad, it's not your fault because you were straight up. It is THEIR fault for not being a gentleman. So who cares what they say?? Besides, most people actually PREFER an outright 'no' to being strung along. Because an outright 'no' lets them get along with their lives. So your victim might not be as hostile as you think!!


Which brings me to rule 3:


HOW TO ACTUALLY PHRASE THE REJECTION:
There are 3 main types. You can reject someone in a positive style, a negative style, or you can negotiate.


THE POSITIVE STYLE makes you look like a 'romantic or good person' for rejecting your victim. For example: 'sorry but I'm so deeply in love with someone else I'll go to my grave a virgin rather than give up on this incredibly romantic crush of mine'. The advantage of this is, your victim can't yell at you for being a dick. On the bad side, they'll probably like you more than ever for being so pure and good.


NEGATIVE STYLES are things like, 'NO. you're fat. You're too short. ' the drawback of this is they might think you're a superficial arrogant asshole. But on the good side, this probably means that your victim will not have a crush on your superficial ass anymore.


NEGOTIATION; this is when you tell the honest truth and say something like, 'I'd date you if you got rid of that hideous haircut, stopped listening to trip=hop because it's shite, and would it kill you to use deodorant?' This is the most difficult of the three. But honestly, it's the best option. Sure you're dissing your victim, but unlike options 1&2, you're offering something in return: you're offering information that will help him get dates later on-not just with you, but with anybody!

 

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SOME ROMANCE

(At a Mini-mart near the University of Cal Berkeley)

lady: One NutraBar please.

Guy: A NutraBar? Come on, that's no meal. That's not even healthy. Let me buy you a real dinner.

Sorry, but I've got to study.

That's even better! I just ate, so I'm not hungry. While you eat, I can quiz you from flash cards. If you don't have flash cards, I'll read to you. Textbooks, flowcharts, you name it. You get a free meal and I get to learn about the exotic world of academe.

That's hardly fair, is it? Why should I accept help when there's all those girls that might not be good-looking that really need the help with schoolwork? Why should they not get the help they need just cus you're shallow and horny?

The mere fact that you put together such a cogent and logical argument together extemporaneously shows that you aren't just beautiful but hell of smart, so that means that I'm not shallow for asking you out. So you should go to dinner with me.

But wait... since my argument defeated itself, then I'm actually kind of stupid. Which means you're shallow and shouldn't ask me out.

But the fact that you laid such a clever trap for me shows that you're in fact far smarter than I'd assumed in the first place and now you have to let me buy you dinner. QED!

(walking out of the store, NutraBar-less, with guy following closely)

I'm afraid that doesn't apply because you asked me out before you knew I was capable of making that argument, so you were in a shallow frame of mind.

But so what? Most guys would of been scared off by now, a woman of your intellect and all, but not me. I'm, like, hell of enlightened, so what's the problem?

You're enlightened? Take a number. I got guys, unenlightened, enlightened, whatever, all kinds of guys asking me out, but I don't go cus I'm busy studying and making straight A's. I'm worried about girls that aren't as good-looking as I am that might really need the help with homework, that don't have either type of guy asking them. If you're so enlightened why shouldn't the thrill of helping anyone learn be enough....

So do you have someone in mind?

No, but...

AHA! So now the truth comes out! You don't really care about the academic plight of the appearance-challenged! You're too stuck-up to even know their names, let alone stoop to help them out. You have to make me do your dirty work, just to fulfill your sense of magnanimity? Clearly, I'm far uglier than you, so you have to take me out to dinner, if you're so deep and sensitive! You know, put your money where your mouth is: get your nobliese oblige on!

Surprisingly, I really can't find a flaw in that reasoning.

(pause)

Look, we've got to stop by the apartment while I get my books. I was planning to study at home, so... (fumbling for keys) wait out here.

Roommate: (Coming to door) Who are you?

I'm what they call an Academic Sugar Daddy.

(Departing for high-end veggie-slop restaurant)

One last thing, though: You are a science major aren't you?

Uh, I'm in bio-chem. Why?

It's kind of a law I can't go out with anyone who is liberal arts or wears clogs. I'm sick to death of liberal arts. Science is new and I don't understand a word of it. To me it's really hot... it seems so foreign and exotic.

That's the first time I've been called exotic for being a chemist.

Uh oh. . . .

But really, though, you saw I was Asian when you asked me out, and now you're telling me it was because I was a 'scientist'? So either you have a magic, invisible 'scientist detector' or you assume all Asians are natural geniuses with our dominating nerd brains.

It was your posture, I swear! Liberal arts kids all walk bent over from having the weight of the world on their shoulders, and the plight of the oppressed and heavy philosophical bullshit thoughts all the time. Scientists walk straight up because they're hell of vigilant. They're waiting to observe the new phenomena, ready to 'boldly go', and shit. Except maybe computer guys. But your posture was so good it never occurred to me that you weren't hard science!

M-hm.

Think about it, I like good posture but I don't have it. I think everyone wants what they don't have....That's what attraction is.

Well, what about male models? Everyone tells them they're perfect but they still find time to be gay.

That's because they're models! They're too dumb to have logically thought the whole deal through. If they did, they'd just beat off all the time, and fantasize about themselves.

(entering upscale veggie-slop restaurant)

So what do you think about when you masturbate?

(holding forth loudly in front of embarrassed waiter)

Oh, god, I hardly do it anymore. Cus I'm not a model, and I'm not in love with myself. Like I can have an orgasm even limp. On the other hand, I've had orgasms with a hard dick but no ejaculation whatsoever. It's like a little preliminary dick contraction fools my endocrine system itself into thinking I've come and my brain floods my blood with post-coital hormones telling me I've come and should be satiated when clearly I haven't. The whole deal is so, uh, counterintuitive I'd just rather avoid it. But enough about my orgasms, what about eukaryotic proteases?

Hahahah.

Look, I'm serious, I said I'd help you study. I don't want you thinking I'm some sleazy character who makes promises just to uh, manipulate, so you're gonna study now if you like it or not!

Look, I do like you, and want to see you again, but all the studying in all the curricula in every major ivy-covered blablabla institute is not going to get me to give you that orgasm.

As if I wanted anything so mundane with an exceptional scholar like yourself...

What do you want to do with me then, Mr. New Phenomena?

Must you be such a patriarchal chauvinist? It's much more sexy if we follow your agenda, because then not only do I get into your, uh, stuff, but, I'm actually getting inside part of your brain that not many people know about. Not too many, I hope. Besides, then I don't have to worry about fucking up. I used to worry about doing something too crude and getting, like, reprisals for it, but then I learned that girls are hornier than guys... now I just worry about being too boring.

In the first place, you're still being patriarchal since, by your own admission, you're getting into my brain and having more fun than me! And in the second place, you're wrong if you say you're boring. You haven't said one damn boring thing yet. Boring how? What do you like that's so boring?

I like to... I could spend like 30 minutes.... arrhhh! Let me give you an example. When I first saw you, walking across the street from me, you got to the light and I sighed. "There goes another totally gorgeous girl I'll never see again... She's gonna get to the end of that block and then beam back to the Cute Gal Dimension where she will have nonstop fun laughing with all the other Cute Gals, looking down on all us regular folks." but then you turned ninety degrees, and walked towards the store. I had this vision of you just endlessly turning and walking around the intersection, obeying all traffic laws and with your proud posture- did I mention I love your posture? just walking and walking so I could see you coming and going from all angles. I wondered, 'How long would I stay and just watch her?' at least thirty minutes. No nudity, no even, no hint of lewdness or nothing, just that. It's hypnotic. Everything about you I see I could analyze. Your neck. It's rocking my world as we speak.

My neck? It's just normal.

No, that's because you're not paying enough attention to necks. It's not too wide, and your chin doesn't droop into it, or jut out of it, it's not too long. If it were an eighth of an inch thinner, you'd be an ostrich, but now you're a beautiful swan. See, fuck this boob fetish this, Asian fetish that, I've got my own deal going on.

Uh... Neck fetishism probably isn't as reassuring of a thought to most people.

No, no, everything. I pick a neck at random. You could show me anything. You're that bad. A knee. Whatever. I'd be on it like paint on a Pollock. So that's what I like....So tell me what you like.

I'd like to see you in 2 weeks. I've got midterms, then I have a paper to submit on y-vector monosodium bundling.

Oh, so you don't want me around when you study. And I suppose I'm only good for my body, right? Look, why are you fronting like that? You know I'm fun to talk to cus you're taking me out!

Yes, but you're too fun to talk to. I haven't gotten anything studied yet.

That's because you've wasted the whole time trying to seduce me! But now you know you've seduced me, you can get down and work. Right now! What's a beta-reticuli endoconverter?

I don't know, we haven't gotten that far.

What? Is that what you're going to say when you're a famous chemist, and there's a mutant Anthrax plague killing billions and you're the only one that can stop it, "Oh, we haven't gotten that far?!?" C'mon! Proactive! C'mon! New paradigm! C'mon! Beta-reticuli endoconversion!

( laughter and extensive studying. Leaving the restaurant a shambles and going back to the apartment stoop)

Well, thanks for a wonderful dinner. Really. I feel like I'm a foot off the ground. You make me feel beautiful and smart, but I can't see you again until I'm caught up. Give me your phone number.

( number exchange)

What, we really can't study together?

I want to have my whole attention on you. It's got to be a reward situation. This way even though you won't be with me, you'll still be motivating me to be faster and smarter. Think about it that way. You don't want me to kiss you passionately right here for like 3 minutes . No, that's the last thing you want. You don't want me to get that self-esteem rush which would lead me to take you for granted for months, before I finally call you, right? You want me to do some smoldering.

I can't argue with that.

 

 

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WHAT SHE SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM. . .


So I'd really like to kiss you, but… uh… Jelly told me that you've never kissed a girl before. I know, it's none of my business. But if i just minded my own business like a good girl, I'd wind up destroying you utterly. . . because you're going to take this relationship 100 times more seriously than me. Which isn't my fault for being a hoe or yours for being a wimp, it's just a byproduct of us having very different levels of experience.

I don't want to be responsible for destroying you, I'd feel guilty. What you need to do before I can kiss you is you need to go out with some really lame girls. normally being lame equals being bad but this is the one area of life where lameness is not only productive; it's downright essential!!

See, normally a person's first relationship scars them for life when it ends, especially if it's a relationship with someone more old and experienced. And you're unbelievably vulnerable because of how long you've gone without kissing a girl. The only way to keep from getting scarred for life is to go out with a lame girl. That way you are actually happy to break up with her: after you go out with lame girls you won't expect every relationship to be true love forever and you won't expect that being in a relationship will solve all your problems and make you a totally different person, and thus breakups will hurt less. I'd desensitize you myself but that would mean like constantly picking my nose and never washing my underwear and I'm not prepared to be that lame.

Yeah, of course there's the chance that we'll never break up, we might just fall into each others' arms and just stay in love until we die, but that's a good way to become destroyed. The last two boyfriends I had I thought it would last forever too, and even I almost got killed when it didn't last!

So while it would be great if we went out forever, the odds against it are so astronomically small that it would be downright irresponsible to assume we will; you'll wind up getting destroyed. Like even if you dump me, you'll still be destroyed to some extent, just because I know I can get another man easily and you think you'll never find another lady. And it's not like you can just wait for some girl that has exactly as little experience because the odds of meeting such a girl are getting smaller by the day. So you must be properly desensitized.

I know it sounds like a cruel procedure, like it's taking part of your soul or something, but mainly what it is, is desensitizing you to the pain brought on by unrealistic expectations and the pain brought on by excessive loneliness. You need to shoot your wad first, there's no way around it. The lame-girlfriend process doesn't really desensitize you to pleasure, is the good news. I've been thoroughly desensitized by the lamest of boyfriends, and I can still feel really really really really good when I get a new guy. And I want you to be that guy, so tell me the kind of things you really find lame, obnoxious or pathetic, and I'll try my best to hook you up with some of those girls.

 

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GIRL QUIZ:

1) When you were little, old enough to fantasize about boys, but not old enough to know the mechanics of sex, what did you want to do with your imaginary boyfriend? What would he say to you, what would you do together?
1b) Would you prefer that kind of relationship to the real thing?

2) What parts of your body do you like most, and dislike most?
2a) Do you think more about the good parts or the bad parts?
2b) What would you change about the bad parts?

3) Who would you like to be if you could be a different girl altogether?

4, 5, 6) Describe 3 instances where a girlfriend told you decided to date/dump a guy for reasons you felt were superficial.

7) What are the top three things that other girls have that make you jealous of them? (money doesn't count; that's a class thing and not a sex thing).

8) How many crushes do you have a year? Like, do you like a whole bunch of guys in a general way, or just like one or two guys obsessively, for years on end, or are you somewhere in the middle? Explain.

9) If you meet a totally fine guy for the first time, how do you act? Do you get really quiet around him, or are you outgoing and flirty? Or cold and mean? Or babble uncontrollably? Or some other approach?

10) Do you feel you're entitled to any guy you see and like?
10a) does seeing a cute guy make you happy or sad?


11, 12, 13, 14, 15) Describe 5 times that you've rejected a guy that wanted to date you. Rejection can be by saying "No, I won't" or just by deliberately ignoring him. For each case, say what method of rejection you used and why you didn't like him in the first place.

16, 17, 18, 19, 20) Describe 5 times you've been rejected by a guy you wanted to date, and why you think the guy didn't like you, and at what point you decided to give up on him.

21, 22, 23, 24, 25) Of your last 5 boyfriends, how long did each relationship last? In each case, who confessed to liking the other person first, you or him? Who initiated the breakup in each case?

26) How many times have you dumped a guy?
27) Been dumped by a guy?

28) When you lie awake at night, how much time do you spend thinking about past relationships, and how much do you spend thinking about stuff that will happen in the future?

29) why are you most jealous of guys as a whole?

30) why are you most glad you're not a guy?

 

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YAHOO GUYS' MONEY AND REVENGE THING

The dudes who invented Yahoo! are now worth billions of dollars. Can you imagine how many lame, shallow girls that used to reject those guys for being nerds are now uttering a collective, higher-register, "D'oh!"? I'm surprised I don't hear such a galactic-sized "D'oh" on the wind every time the breeze picks up. I wonder how well the guys are handling the money-vs.-revenge issue also. Can they resist the temptation to dial up old high-school crushes, now 40 pounds heavier and married to a security guard, raising 2 screaming kids, and yell "EEEEEEEEEEEYah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!!!!" until they asphyxiate and the butler has to hang up the phone? Do they stoop to that or are they just content with the 30 or so call girls every night (or call boys; one shouldn't presume)? This is what should be in the business news, not some dumb merger internet stock bullshit. The sex. The sex and the drama. I would pay good money to read a book written by the Yahoo! guys detailing exactly how women treat them differently, on a girl-by-girl basis, with graphs. I don't care about mergers and data cyber bullshit.... I want sleazy, chart-filled anthropology! Are they stoked to be popular, or even more angstier because of how phony people are now? Have years of rejection and humiliation left them with a residual hatred towards women, that makes them hire whores to do degrading things, just because they can? Or has their sex drive become entirely subsumed by the drive to make money? Or what? And I won't even get into the armies of hired thugs breaking into the auto dealerships and insurance offices of the ex-high-school jock tormentors and setting them aflame. That's a given.


 

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ANGRY LESBIAN BREAKUP


You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, okay? You're not worth it. You're too mentally weird. I ate your pussy last night, and today you're gonna have a fit cus I ate your cereal? You're too anal retentive. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather go out with someone less intelligent, less talented and less creative than you, if it would only mean that I could at least relax around them for one instant. Here we've been as intimate as two people are ever gonna get and still I feel like I got to walk on eggshells around you. Did I not wipe my feet enough on the mat? Did I double check to make sure I put the dust-cover down on the record player? It's difficult. You gotta get your priorities straight. You gotta ask yourself "Is it more important that the soup cans go in the recycling all the time or that I have a girlfriend? Is it more important that all the salad forks are together or that I have some love and affection in my life?" Damn. What makes me really mad is that your good points are so unique. If you were just hell of rich, or impossibly gorgeous, at least I'll possibly maybe meet someone like that in the future, but I'll never meet someone with your good quirks again, but now I gotta lose you on account of your bad quirks.

 

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ALTERNATE WORLDS

Imagine everyone who ever rejected you, or went out with you but only so they could play you and laugh about it, and everyone who you never could even talk to because you were so paralyzed with fear....now consider that every one of those people has gotten played THEMSELVES: dumped, rejected, betrayed, been stripped of every shred of dignity. Sure, you know it in your head, but it doesn't help, does it? You have to SEE them getting rejected in order to feel better about things. Therefore, I think everyone should be under constant 24-hour-a-day video surveillance.

Here's how it would work on Planet Despot: if someone asks you out and you turn them down, and embarrass the fuck out of them, they get to see a videotape of you getting rejected, and making an ass out of yourself. It wouldn't matter if you tried to weasel out of it by, say, changing the subject, or saying 'Gee, I dunno' over and over, or even by showing up at the cafe 4 hours late with a fake moustache and hiding behind a newspaper.. Cus that would be on video too. Your weaseling-out would be played in front of the judge (of course there's a judge) , who would go, "Hey, looks like there was no date! Roll the clip!" Personally, I wouldn't even regret all the times I've been turned down if I would of been able to see an equally pathetic vignette of my crush getting just trampled. And not just trampled, but totally losing her shit and being unable to let go of the guy that's totally blowing her off, and begging him to come back, knowing that he'll just treat her shitty again. On the one hand, that guy might be the total reason she turned me down, because he messed her up, but on the other hand, he's my hero.


I think this system would make people in general more well adjusted: cus you wouldn't be able to delude yourself that the object of your affections was godlike, or that your suffering was unique and unparalleled in the history of humankind. It would go a long way towards breaking the spell of your crush, to see them groveling in front of some fat, balding death rock guy in front of a subway terminal, in 1989. You'd laugh your ass off and get over the crush. And knowing that there's this built in 'get even factor' you'd be less scared of asking people out in the future, so you'd get more experience and skills asking people out and thus be more confident and acceptable to them. Plus more people would say 'yes' cus they'd be scared of what you'd see on the video. Also, the looming specter of video groveling might remind them of all the times they were in your shoes, and they got their hopes and dreams torn to shreds, and might even eventually come to see things from your point of view, and be compassionate to you. Everyone would emerge better adjusted. Although there would still be antisocial creeps that would abuse the loopholes in the system, by, for instance, asking out people they didn't like at all, with every intention of getting turned down, just to see the videos of those people and guffaw. Of course, I would be one of those people.

 

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LETTER TO ASIANWEEK

Dear Editor:
the articles on inter-racial dating were a totally worthwhile look at a much-neglected subject, but I think you could have spruced up the writing style a bit. Here's the sidebar from page 15, as I've rewritten it.


PERSPECTIVES OF TWO INTER-RACIAL DATERS
(excerpted from AsianWeek, Feb. 3 2000) (new and improved version)


Maly Ly, 22, said she has had three serious boyfriends in her life. All have been white, including the one she is seeing now. But the Cambodian-Vietnamese American denied that she singles out white men for relationships.

"I'm'a put it like this: I got friends of all different races, but the only guys I, like, lust after are death rockers. Ain't no rule saying you have to be white to be a death-rocker... fuckin' look at ME, dude!! So it's straight-up RETARDED for some guy to tell me I'm prejudiced against Asians....that I got a white fetish... I look at it like, Asian guys are prejudiced against DEATH ROCK! Fuck that! If you want me so bad, get done up like an Edwardian vampire, the fangs, the ruffles, the velvet, the whole nine, and you'll stand a chance. If you don't want to do that, fine, don't fuckin' beef at me. Get some cliché, good wife, piano-playing, I-won't-give-you-any-back-talk-as-long-as-you-keep-buying-me-designer-handbags broads, cus you wouldn't like ME even if we did go out!

"Some kid at a club sees me with my hairy barbarian boyfriend and he straight goes up to me, and he's like, fuckin', uh, "You don't like Asian guys." I was like, "What the fuck?!? Who are you?" I told that fella, "Please to detach from my nutsac with that shit! I was single all last month, and you never hit on me then, and this fella DID, so how can you beef? You had a shot but you blew it... what am I supposed to do? Sit by the phone until I'm 80 years old, waiting for you to call, and I don't even know you? Fuck that!" I'm pointing at this 200 pound Chinese girl in a miniskirt, yelling, "There's a precious Asian girl right there, why don't you go hit on HER? You're scared, that's why! You got enough balls to step up to an Asian chick you don't even know, talking some personal insults and shit, but you don't have the balls to go up to some Asian hoe, and tell her you like her and want to dance.... now who's got the self-hatred, motherfucker?" I was on fuckin' FIRE, man... my boyfriend was tugging on my arm wanting to leave, like a little bitch.... I had to smack him up later..... he was making me look weak."

Filmmaker Michael Gibson, 26, likes Asian women. He's attracted to Asian women. And he's dated Asian women. But he also likes black women, Latinas, blondes, brunettes, redheads-all kinds of women in fact.

"I'm from the fuckin' MISSION, dude! The mission has big-ass, wompin' problems with, like, heroin and gentrification, but the one thing we absolutely do NOT have is the sort of old-fashioned, in-your-face racism where someone looks at you hard if you're going out with the wrong race chick. It's not just me- EVERYONE fucks everyone here. To get that kind of prejudice you have to take an Asian broad into the Richmond district where it's mostly Asian, and guys will look hard at me like, "You come here to take our women!" and I'm like, "You dumb suck, she ain't even from your neighborhood to begin with, and you KNOW that...she's got dreadlocks and fifteen mouth piercings... her lips look like a fuckin' ZIPPER... and besides, if you want to come down to MY neighborhood, and get some white pussy you're more than welcome to it, just lighten the fuck up with that shit."

"But my brothers, man, oh, shit!! They both got that racial virus to the fullest fuckin' extent... I'm talking like, like, uh, the stereotypes of guys that have stereotypes! Like, uh, if they had Cindy Crawford naked, on her knees, and on the other side of the room is one of those old, Yoda-looking broads they got waddling around Chinatown, who can remember when Chairman Mao was just a chubby kid in knee-pants with a red coloring book.... my brothers are going to go out with Yoda. But it's all good, though. Cus SOMEBODY has to tell Cindy Crawford she's not the center of the fuckin' universe. See, people have the idea that fetishists are superficial, that they don't see the full female, the full broad, and shit. But there's plenty of obese, one-legged, carbuncled Asian chicks that Asian guys won't go near, and those are the gals my brothers Mack on. Should these girls get no love? Just cus they got like braces and one arm? Seems like the REGULAR guys are the ones being superficial, if you take my meaning.

"I DON'T think white guys get all the action, not by any fuckin' means, dude! What the fuck kind of question is that? I went to school with this dude, man, he was from, fuckin' Japan.... He grew up with a dream that one day he could come to America and diddle a fuckin' white broad. And he did. I mean, he got rejected like a hundred times, but he didn't let that deter him, cus he knew he only needed one 'yes.' And he wound up with this white wench who all she wanted was to diddle some Asian dude. So they both saw each other as these totally dehumanized fetish objects, but that's what made their relationship work so well, cus there was this, like, RECIPROCITY!"


See, I got all the crucial points in, with much more colorful, engaging language and emotional feeling, and it's only 890 words, as opposed to the original sidebar which is roughly 1,000 words! If I can do it, you can do it! I look forward to reading more articles on sexual frustration in the future!!

 

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NUBILE AND CREEPY: TOGETHER AGAIN


CREEP: Oh,