FIFTY CENT INTERVIEW

MD: So Fifty Cent, thanks for meeting with us. I know you're real busy recording your new album.

50: no problem. I'm just excited about the whole scenario right now. I'm positive this is the best shit I ever did.

MD: well, that's what everyone's been asking about. What's Fifty going to drop next?

50: see, I'm going to tell it like this now. I'm going to tell it just how it is. your average rapper, He spend the whole album talking about how tough he is, how many bitches, how many gats, all that stuff. But 50 Cent ? I've been shot, I've been to jail, I've made a hit album, I got ten million dollars, I've played shows in all the different continents on the planet, you know. By any definition, I am the real deal. Any way you want to judge a rapper ? money, skills, street knowledge. I'm there, ma. So why should I continue to have to prove myself on my new album? You feel me? A real man doesn't have anything to prove. Fifty cent is already the top dog in this game.

MD: (laughing) I hear you, man. You got to the top of the mountain.

50: See, that's what I'm talking about. Now that I cleared out all the competition at the top of the mountain, I finally got a little elbow room here to speak on what I REALLY concerned with.

MD: which is . . .?

50: unicorns.

MD: uh...

50: Unicorns and ponies, man. That's what I'm into right now. I'm telling you straight, man. I like petting 'em and hugging 'em and watching 'em fly around the rainbow with like little flowers all up in their grill.

MD: man, that is?that is the most homosexual thing I have ever heard. Are you joking?

50: do I look like a joke to you? LOOK IN MY EYES. Look in my eyes and tell me you think I'm a joke.

MD: hey, I --

50: LOOK IN MY EYES MOTHERFUCKER. Am I JOKING?

MD: hey I ? I just ? man, I'm ? I was just a little surprised. I'm sorry man. I didn't mean any disrespect by that. I was taken by, by surprise is all.

50: you're god damn right. I'm taking everyone by surprise with this new joint. Did I scare you, man?

MD: well, I thought, you know ? I didn't mean ?

50: na, na, it's all good. don't worry about it. ahahaha-- See, that's my point. I'm the only man in this rap game who could do a whole album about unicorns and herbal tea and shit, and you're still scared to talk shit about it. that's my new concept man. . .

MD: ok, now I get it. I think…

50: . . . while, on the other hand, if I have to keep telling people, ‘i'm still hard, I'm still hard . .' THAT would be showing weakness. I already made my bones in this industry, I'm not weak, and that's what I'm representing on my new album "I LUV UNICORNS AND PONIES"

MD: unicorns and ponies?

50: that's right, it's a double concept. I'm giving ‘em both barrels here. Because that's my way of saying, "bring it on. You can do some shit about capping 26 niggas in the first verse, and I can do some shit about Mr. Special Bear and the fluffy bunny, and my shit will STILL be harder than yours."

MD: oh, now I REALLY get it. so, this is the new SLANG. Like, back in the day a ‘bird' was a key of cocaine or a ‘mule' is a drug transporter or. . .ok. Ha, I'm with it now. So what is ‘unicorn' symbolic of?

50: what? who told you I was talking slang? Rappers are always getting misquoted in the press. There's no media responsibility. Don't be making me say something that I never said. Consistency is the key to all success. That's why fifty cent has always kept it real, and I will continue to keep it real. And that's why, when I say unicorn I mean, ma, I mean a REAL motherfucking unicorn, with soft fluffy fur and big cute eyes and a REAL golden horn with magical powers, that I REALLY like to hug and kiss.

MD: you're saying, they're real? I'm not trying to disrespect, but no one's ever seen ? I mean, it's hard to believe . . .

50: oh, you believe it. not everyone can see them, though. you can only see them when your heart is pure. Or you can just get ‘em from the black market. Whichever, it's all good. I've got two already. My accountant says they count as a investment.

MD: OK, I can adjust to that. But Fifty, I think your fans will want to, uh, know how you got the idea for your new, um, concept here. can you help us out here?

50: Yeah, I can do that. It's really simple. I came up with 'I WUV UNICORNS AND PONIES' two months ago. It was just a flash of inspiration. I was fed up with rap at that time. I was, “Yo. I'm sick of beating Ja Rule and Puffy and all these other weak little MCs. It's too easy. The thrill has gone, man.” I was, that was my personal vibe at the time we created this new concept. I was like, 'The rap game has gotten too soft. These motherfuckers are so easy to beat, I'm losing my edge. If I want to keep my edge, I have to give these wankstas some handicaps. Straight up golf-style. Get up on some golf shit here, ma. Give ‘em a good 3 or 4 holes head start, and I'm-a play with just a putter, even in the sand trap. Know what I mean?'

MD: so that was your solution to the, uh, rap doldrums.

50: Heah. just, give the other guys a big advantage, to keep my game tight.

MD: so you're still on Shady records, a division of Aftermath. How did your partners deal with your new, uh, direction?

50: Well, it got a little . . Theo, my attorney and Paul Rosenberg, Em's attorney, had a meeting. I think Theo wasn't happy about the horn I had him wear, but I was like, “Fuck it. We have to show them we're serious about the new concept.” Besides, man, that horn was Armani. Tasteful, you know. High class. The whole nine. So they had their meeting, then Rosenberg talked to Em, who talked to Dre. I have to say Em was always supportive. Just 100% down with the whole idea. He's always got people telling HIM, do this, do that, you know, getting in his mix. And I think this give him more respect for the creativity process of other artists.

MD: and Dre?

50: well, Dre was, ahahaha, um, it got a little hectic with the scenario there. At first I thought he had a problem because of the content being, you know, unicorns. Or he had a problem with my new falsetto flow. He was all, “naah, naah,” and all that. But later I found out he was just against it because secretly he'd been working on his OWN unicorn album, you know, and he thought I was going to steal his spotlight!

MD: um, that, uh--

50: MOTHERFUCKER DO I LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU?!??

MD: no sir.

50: hahahah, don't worry, ma. I'm straight. anyway, like I was saying, Dre thought I was trying to cut into his action. But I persuaded him that I was just, like, going to get people accustomed to the magical world of caring, sharing animals. You know, so he wouldn't take so much heat for it when HIS joint came out. So he cogitated on that for a while, then he was cool with it. He knew he had his place, and I had my place. Actually recently we sat down and listened to the sneak preview of “THE MOTHERFUCKIN DOCTOR PRESENTS: MR. CUDDLEY PONY AND THE CANDY RAINBOW.” And I can say, ma, that Dre's new shit is just blazing. Both in terms of the production and the cute cuddliness.

MD: so it looks like it's going to be a summer of hits in 2004. (barely audiable snicker)

50: well, I'm dropping “WUV” around 23d of July actually. We already shot the first video, ma. I don't want to give away too much, but It's got me playing with some animated forest creatures, and then I give birth to a kitten.

MD: (unable to contain) hee heee,,, bwa, ha ha ha ha ha ha ? HA HA HAAAAHH HAAAA----

50: (click) BAM! BAM! BAM! (scarface voice) 'now look at you now!'

MD: (. . . )

50: (picking up interviewer's head like puppet) “Thanks for your time, fifty cent! I enjoyed interviewing you” (back to his own voice): you're welcome, ma. thanks for having me. Yo, everyone, pick up I WUV UNICORNS AND PONIE$ 23d July.

 

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newest: BRITNEY SPEARS INTERVIEW:

I managed to get a transcript of this interview, before Ms. Spears' publicist had a chance to edit it.here it is..

VH1: Your career seems to be putting more emphasis on your sexuality and publicity stunts like the MTV Awards kiss.

BS: Well, like spinal tap said, 'there is a very fine line between genius and stupidity.'Case in point: my new album.We spent like 5 months and $400,000 dollars recording it, and now maybe 10 million people heard it.fine.Then I go kiss old whatshername - rehearsal time ? 10 minutes.And like 15 million people heard about THAT.It's like,I bothered to record an album WHY?

 

VH1:Because you love music?

 

BS: What? oh, yeah. I love that thing you said.

  VH1: So during your hiatus, you were often seen at discos.Did you do drugs?

 

BS: Hell yes I did drugs. I'm a desperately unhappy person, is why.But I didn't get addicted because I'm acutely aware of just how much I have to lose!

 

VH1: Desperately unhappy? Why??

 

BS: Well think about it!I was the most famous, popular, well-paid, sexy pop idol in all America... before I was even old enough to vote! Once I turned 18, there was nowhere to go but down. That's a terrible thing for a young girl - to know that the rest of her life is nothing but a decades-long ramp leading straight down to ignominy.And of course I had not been taught any other way to be happy besides fame!So that's why I'm so tormented - I'm the Orson Welles of slutty-dressed pop stars.Even worse than that - at least Orson Welles was remembered for CITIZEN KANE, which he directed while in his 20s.That movie is still considered classic today. But10 years from now, no one will remember my music, just my midriff and possibly my breasts, and I know this.And it eats at me like cancer.A cancer, I tell you!!!

 

VH1: But you are still one of the most famous entertainers right now-isn't that a consolation? A million girls would kill to be in your shoes right now.

 

BS: Sure, a million. But 2 years ago it was 14 million girls that would murder their own mother to be me.That's an 85 % decline!!Let me tell you, there is a HUGE difference between the heady-rush-to-the-top-where-will-it-all-end type of fame and the oh-shit-the-new-album-only-sold-10-million-why-does-god-hate-me-so kind of fame.You really can't understand unless you've experienced it. Plus you have to realize that when I had the first kind of fame (the good kind) I couldn't even properly enjoy it because I was 100% controlled by my handlers, had no free time, and no idea that this was as good as it got!So I'm bitter about that, too. The handlers reaped the benefits of Stage One Fame, and left me to deal with the psychosis of Stage Two fame all by myself.Is it any wonder I am having plastic surgery even as we speak?

 

VH1: That sounds terrible.I had no idea you were this articulate. You actually make me empathize with the plight of the star who can barely sell 10 million records, the poor thing.

 

BS: Well good.I'm trapped in this kind of purgatory.Part of me realizes the grim certainty that I have nowhere to go but down and therefore just wants to leap off the celebrity treadmill as fast as possible. But the other part of me realizes with equal certainty that I have absolutely no worth at all if I am not a celebrity.I can't change a transmission or solve a quadratic equation, I don't know how to use a deep-fryer or code linux... I have nothing else to offer.

 

VH1: Is this latter certainty also grim?

 

BS: Yes, yes it is.so if I jump off the treadmill I have still got my mansions and yachts but I have lost my reason to live.But if I stay on, I merely prolong the agony of slipping down the charts, watching my former glory be eclipsed by a new generation of girls even more whorish and less talented than I. Add this final irony to the mix: even as I resent the new crop of stars, I know that I was responsible in some way for creating them-the precedents I set, the way I changed the industry, and so on.

 

VH1: And that's where the drugs come in, is it not?

 

BS: Yes, exactly.For how can a sensitive and introspective girl like me deal with these conundrua with the clarity of sobriety? It's too painful.

 

VH1: Thanks for speaking with us today, Ms. Spears

 

BS: No problem.It's about time someone listened to the 'real me.'

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RELIGIOUS CONVERSION DIALOGUE

EARNEST GUY:Can I tell you the good news about jesus christ?

SNIDE GIRL: Uh.... yeah, sure, tell me the good news.

EARNEST GUY:He died for your sins, so that you can be redeemed and go to heaven. (hands out brochure)

SNIDE GIRL: (scanning brochure) Hmmm... this is indeed an excellent brochure. You've converted me. I'll worship Jesus. But you just have to tell me one thing.

EARNEST GUY:What's that?

SNIDE GIRL: Which Jesus?

EARNEST GUY:Jesus Christ, of course.

SNIDE GIRL:No, I mean, which jesus christ?

EARNEST GUY: I don't understand. There's only one Jesus Christ. He's the son of God.

SNIDE GIRL: as far as I can tell, there's dozens of Jesus Christs. Every different christian denomination claims to represent the real jesus but all their Jesuses say different thingsI can be the most devout, confession-going, non-fornicating, non-gambling, charity-giving Catholic but if it turns out God is a Born-Again, I'm going to Hell. ...how am I supposed to know which real jesus is the real jesus??

EARNEST GUY: but. . .

SNIDE GIRL: … Or I can be a totally pious, non-cussing, non-dancing, church-every-Sunday, speaking-in-tongues Born-Again, but if it turns out God's a Jehovah's Witness, I'm going straight to Hell.

EARNEST GUY: well, I-

SNIDE GIRL: ….And even if I'm the best Jehovah's Witness who never cheats on my spouse, never enlists in the Army, has never celebrated a holiday in my stinking LIFE, prays every night. . . I'll wind up next to Hitler and Jerry Falwell in hell If God turns out to be Catholic! Just because I never took Confession. And so on. So I'm asking, which One True Jesus should I put my faith in?

EARNEST GUY: (speaking in MC Lyte voice) Shut the eff up, hoe! all you need to do is open your heart to Jesus, and love Him and you will be saved. It doesn't matter which denomination you choose.

SNIDE GIRL: But that attitude ITSELF is a denomination: Ecumenical. Like the Unitarians or something... And Unitarians are UTTERLY going to hell if God is Catholic, OR Born-Again, OR Jehovah's Witnesses.. Christ, EVERYONE hates you people.

EARNEST GUY: But you're forgetting something: what if God IS ecumenical?

SNIDE GIRL: What do you base that on?

EARNEST GUY: My faith in Jesus. That's all you need.

SNIDE GIRL: Faith isn't the issue; ALL these denominations have faith in Jesus and open their heart to Jesus, and yet they're ALL certain each other will end up in Hell next to Ghandi and Buddha and the other heathens. I'm asking what specific scriptural passages you can cite to prove every other major Christian denomination is wrong!!! Prove to me that God isn't Catholic or Pentacostal or Lutheran but Unitarian....or whatever the hell you are.

EARNEST GUY: well, why don't you take my bible and YOU read it, and then YOU can decide?

SNIDE GIRL: What kind of cop-out answer is that?? why not give me the Koran and the Bhagvat Gita while you're at it? YOU'RE the god guy! YOU'RE the one who's saved, and you can't even articulate why your denomination is the best?? Look, I don't mean to be a jerk, but we're talking about my immortal soul here. We're talking about the risk of being charred and poked for eternity! If you have a religion, you have to really SELL ME on it. I've met goons at Radio Shack that will give me more of a pep talk about a stinking diode. A DIODE, OK???

Look, say you convert me to your version of ecumenical, feel-good Christianity. Say you're the best witness in California; you convert a thousand people. Then the atom bomb hits, and we all die. If you're converting people to the wrong Jesus, not only are you going to the Bad Place, but you're taking 1,000 innocent people with you, people whose only sin was to take you at your word. How would you feel then? If not for your sake, at least for OUR sake, research all the Jesii until you find the real one.

EARNEST GUY: (partially obscured by Huge Brimstone Cloud and Thundering Sound Effect. . . also backlit malevolently) YOU'VE GUESSED IT-I'M THE LORD OF THE NETHERWORLD, HERE TO SWINDLE YOU OUT OF YOUR SOUL!! TEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!

SNIDE GIRL: yeah, nice try, Evil One. Which Satan are you exactly??

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THEORY GGGGIRL comic strip


STRIP ONE (inside, TG standing up from her laptop and stretching)
PANEL 1: (whew!) it was hard work, but I'm finally done eliminating racism

PANEL 2: I did it by questioning the epistemological basis for the demogogical paridigm shifts in the hierarchical power structure of the patriarchal consortium (blah blah blah)

PANEL 3: and best of all, I never had to go to a protest or go to jail. In fact, I never left my room!

PANEL 4: (thoughtful pause)

PANEL 5: now I'll cure sexism!

STRIP TWO (TG getting indie, non-corporate lattes with pal)
PANEL 1: gee, eliminating sexism is hard work, especially when the patriarchal power structure didn't include 'gynocentric' on my spell-checker

PANEL 2: (friend enters cafe) "Hey, Theory Ggggirl, some middle-eastern guy got beat up at a gas station! There's still racism in the world!"

PANEL 3: What, didn't they read my paper??

(awkward pause. . .)

PANEL 4: "the attackers said he was a Muslim terrorist!"

PANEL 5: well duh, I haven't questioned the fallacy of religio-centric absolutism yet! Wait 'til Tuesday!

STRIP THREE (same café)
PANEL 1: wow, I solved homophobia and pointedly addressed the systemic classism of the third-wave feminist movement, all before lunch! I deserve a break.

PANEL 2: I know, I'll validate my bodily nutritional issues by empowering my eating process. I'm starved!

PANEL 3: "Hey, Theory Ggggirl, can you pass the mustard?"

PANEL 4: "Well, that question raises some difficult issues, going back to the 13th century. Is 'pass' to be regarded as a transfer of ownership or merely a dialectic of transitory materialism. One doesn't want to fall into the fallacy of Cartesian dualism, so…"

(cut to fast-motion shot of sun arcing across sky)

PANEL 5:


STRIP FOUR (TG in her apartment, banging head against Sleater-Kinney poster on wall)

P1: I can't believe the injustice of this vile and inhumane war! How can I stop it?

P2: I know, I'll summon all my super-theory-powers and question the dominant ideology, question the role of gender in colonialism, and question the notions of geography and space as they apply to historical grievances!

(applying hands to forehead and grimacing, beads of sweat flying)

P3: <QUESTION, QUESTION, QUESTION, QUESTION!!!!>

P4: If they're still fighting after I'm done with my yoga class, I'll question it some more. . .


STRIP FIVE (TG indoors again, in feculent unventilated room with shades drawn)

P1: Whillickers! I've been questioning the role of gender and space in wartime propaganda for over 20 minutes, and they're still fighting!

P2: Maybe I need to get more people questioning, and interrogating the discourse.

P3: (thoughtful pause)

P4: Hey, I'll start a website!!

STRIP SIX

(actually there is NO strip six. Strips don't exist. They're just social constructions. HA HA made you question it!)

STRIP SEVEN (TG walking down busy city street)

P1: "hey, Theory Ggggirl, I'm a homeless battered wife. You care so much about inequality, can you help me with some spare change?"

P2: oh, I'll help you with something much more important-I'll contextualize your plight within the historic and social overcoding of patriarchal society so you can better understand the theoretical underpinnings of gender privilege that undergird the equestrian …

P3: "Please! My child is very sick!"

P4: Must you invalidate my discourse while I'm helping you?

"But she need money for antibiotics!"

P5: Sorry, I don't understand. . . Can you say that again, in academic?

STRIP EIGHT (introducing Theory Grrrl's arch enemy, Theory GGGGirl. At different café)

P1: (theory girrl's pal walks in....) "Why are you so angry, Theory GGGGirl?"

P2: It's that damn Theory Giiiiirl. . .what a traitor to the cause!! She's insisting that the solution to androcentric totalizing cathexis lies in deconstructing mediated gender tropes, instead of de-gendering deconstructed mediated tropes!!!!

P3: (pause)

P4: Plus, her zine is outselling my zine again!!

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STANFORD

SCENE: the Stanford Oval, a huge plot of well-trimmed green grass. An Asian woman and an Indian guy are practicing volleyball stunts. Up walk a mischievously grinning nerd girl and a worried-looking punk guy. The following exchange ensues:

GEEK GIRL Excuse us...we've been watching you play volleyball and frankly, we're a little.. uh..

PUNK GUY ...concerned.

STUDENT: What's wrong?

PUNK GUY Nothing's wrong, that's the scary thing.

GEEK GIRL You're obviously young, good looking, clearly intelligent, clearly athletic, with a bright economic future....

PUNK GUY ........and lots of social skills, you know, doing masculine things while retaining your femininity and being comfortable with guys, and....

GEEK GIRL In short, you seem to be completely well-adjusted in every way, and...uh...

STUDENT: And?

PUNK GUY ..And nobody's that well adjusted! If you don't have any immature, destructive, taboo outlet for your aggressions, or a way to express the irrational, monkey side of your brain, then you're doubtless repressing it and are due to explode in an orgy of random violence by the time you hit 30. Most people would just take a shotgun into a crowded theater or blow up a Taco Bell or some such, but in your case--- Seeing as how you go to Stanford and are learning all this high tech shit-- and you'll definitely be married to some rich guy by then with lots of resources---

GEEK GIRL ---You won't be content just shooting a bunch of kids... you'll own a lab and whip up some insane virus or nanotech horde that will take out half the planet. So for our own peace of mind, please tell us if you have something wrong with you at all. Just so we can go to sleep at night.

PUNK GUY: ...and you don't even have to say what it is. Just as long as you have some irresponsible, anti-social, outlet for the weirdness within.

GEEK GIRL If you don't tell us, I'm gonna fear for my life. I'm gonna go to Australia and live in a mud hut.

PUNK GUY She's done it before. It's not pretty.

STUDENT: Well. Uh....heh heh....yes, I've got something.

GEEK GIRL AND PUNK GUY: WELL, WHAT IS IT THEN? 'FESS UP, YOU PERVERT!!

PUNK GUY: Is it...self-mutilation in some place that we can't see right now, or weekends spent on cocaine binges, or even something simple like obsessively writing threatening letters to celebrities or collecting porno or uh...

GEEK GIRL: ...or collecting guns...

PUNK GUY or even indexing and filing your own boogers. Something!!

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WHAT IS 'THE SMITING?'


(another Phil Collins Naked tune)
OMAR: Say, Dave, do you have any idea what The Smiting is?
DAVE: Heck, Omar, I can't even play it on bass.
OMAR: But, like, what is The Smiting?
DAVE: What is The Smiting?
PRIMUS GUY: Welllll...
OMAR: What is The Smiting?
And what shall teach thee what The Smiting is?
The day when men shall be as scattered moths, and the moths as?
DAVE: Wool?
OMAR: No, no! Corded wool. That's the most smitten kind of wool.
Then as for him whose scales are heavy, his shall be a life well pleasing.
DAVE: Fair enough.
OMAR: And as for him whose scales are light (derisive snort), his abode shall be? Eh?
DAVE: The Pit?
OMAR: No, but you're close. The Bottomless Pit.
DAVE: Oh, the Bottomless Pit.
OMAR: And what--
DAVE: --is there a worse kind of Pit?
OMAR: --Shuttup! What are you, a heretic?
DAVE: No, you're a heretic. I'm an infidel.
OMAR/SHAFT: Then I can dig it.
OMAR: And what shall teach thee what that is?
DAVE: What what?
OMAR: The Bottomless Pit we were discussing earlier.
DAVE: Enough with the pit, already!
OMAR: A raging fire.
IT'LL TAKE A RAGING FIRE TO TEACH THEE WHAT IT IS, BUDDY! HAHAHAHAH!
Hot enough down there for ya, pal?
DAVE: It's like a sauna in here!

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RUSH LIMBAUGH LOSES IT ON THE AIR

You know, folks, one thing-- one thing that really ticks me off is all these people asking me, "Rush, do you worship Satan?"

 

Well, of course I worship Satan, as should every good American!

 

Let's be honest here, folks: what kind of God do you believe in? An omnipotent, just God or a weak-kneed, impotent, Liberal God? If Satan is truly an OPPONENT of all that is right and good, it would sure take a soft-on-crime, lilly-livered liberal God to mollycoddle him and let him exist, wouldn't it? Is that the kind of God you believe in? If you actually think Satan is a bad fella, an evil fella working against God, you're calling God a liberal, and I don't have to tell you that's blasphemy of the first order!! C'mon folks, let's get real. If you truly love and respect and revere God, as I do, you gotta believe that God is all-powerful and just. An all-powerful God wouldn't let someone weaker than Himself, such as Satan, exist on this planet-- or more accurately, thrive on this planet, as you can see from the welfare and abortion statistics-- a strong, conservative God wouldn't tolerate such evil if Satan were actually opposing god and trying to undo His works.

Clearly, Satan is working FOR god. Satan is god's police officer, SWAT team, and hanging judge all rolled into one, folks. I kid you not-- it is precisely because God is just that he has assigned Satan the role of punishing the wicked and tormenting the evil. Did you ever wonder why God has allowed our law-abiding nation to become the global superpower and freedom cop of the entire world? Because he is a law-and-order God, my friends, and He likes what we're doing. Let me put it another way: What would you call someone who says "Oh, we should take money away from police funds and prisons, just to get more degenerate Darwinist books for the schools!" You'd call that person a liberal moron, am I right, folks? Liberals hate responsibility and punishment, so they want to take away the cops and jails and let Willie Horton at all our women! So, and again, this is the same hypothetical situation, what if instead of 'police', that person says, "Oh, we have to get rid of Satan, he's bad?" What if instead of 'prisons' he says "Hell?" It's the same thing, dittoheads!! Only liberals are against Satan. They want to take away God's second amendment rights to own a weapon against sin!! They want a liberal god who doesn't judge or punish, because they are bad, lawbreaking, dope smoking Americans who don't want to get caught.

Think of Satan as the beat cop, watching over your shoulder. Being a conservative dittohead, I'm sure you've never drank underage, or got an abortion for your daughter, or divorced or masturbated, so why should you fear the Great Beast 666? You should welcome the presence of the Dark Lord over your shoulder, because if anybody messes with you, offers you drugs or abortions or whatnot, it's because of Satan that that scumbag is going to go to hell. Who else is going to take them to hell? Buddha isn't going to take 'em to hell! The Three Tenors aren't going to take them to hell, not for a long time anyway, and you can't expect God to take 'em up to Heaven, can you?

Face the fact, folks: If it weren't for Nick Scratch, then Hitler and Stalin, and the Ayatollah whatshisname and Charlie Manson would still be among us, as zombies, eating human flesh and commanding huge armies!!! Okay, Manson is, uh, still among the living, for now, but you get the idea!! Think of the dedication of this Devil! Over two thousand years, dealing with the worst the human race has to offer, and still he doesn't quit. How long would you last in that kind of high-pressure work environment? If Brimstone Boy slacked off his job for just one second, Ted Bundy would have bounded up from the electric chair and run off to kill your daughter!! No coffee breaks, no holidays: you can tell right away the Devil is no union-loving lefty!! You should all get down on your knees and thank the Prince of Darkness that he's doing such a good job!! You should thank him that you're not speaking Zombie Russian right now, that your kids aren't praying to a Zombie Ayatollah in school! Thanks a lot, Moloch! Thank you for keeping Ted Bundy's soul confined so it's not roaming around and possessing the Den Mother of your daughter's Girl Scout troop. Yes!! Give the Devil his due!!

So that's why I get so, so hot under the collar when people come up and ask me "Rush, why do you worship Beelzebub?" Without considering all he's done and is now doing for them. I don't mean I'm against God here, I just mean I give The Horned One praise for all the great work he's done enforcing God's laws. And of course, the occasional child sacrifice, but really that's just a drop in the bucket compared to the appalling number of abortions performed in this country, abortions which are somehow 'legal' even though they do absolutely nothing to prevent, as I said, the zombie Hitlers and so forth. How crazy is that? If secular humanists kill millions of fetuses every year so girls can act like sluts, it's legal, but if we cut up a mere 157 infants in order to keep Satan happy, and keep every dead mass murderer, rapist, dictator, and communist in hell where they belong, it's against the law?? I tell you, I'm going to write a letter to those lefty loonies on the supreme court, and I advise you to do the same.

Okay, folks, I'm now opening up the lines to callers wanting to praise the Goat Lord of the Abyss.... caller, you're on the air.

CALLER: Hey, Rush, I was wondering what Clinton was gonna do about all these gays in the schools--

Sorry, caller, uh, I'm only taking calls about my Master the Prince of Darkness.

CALLER ONE: who?? What?

(click) Next caller!

CALLER TWO: Rush, you devil-worshiping, Satanic, psychotic, son-of-a-bitch, there's children lissening! I oughta come over there and whip --

Liberal!! (click)
Caller, you're on the air. I hope you have something intelligent to say about the Lord of Lies.

CALLER THREE: Well, uh, I... uh... I been listenin' to your show, and it, uh... I mean, what you say makes sense, uh, in a way, but.... don't Satan kind of like to tempt people into doing evil stuff they otherwise wouldn't do? Isn't that, like, uh, being in favor of evil?

What's your name, caller?

CALLER THREE: Billy.

Well, Billy, that's an intelligent question. I have question for you, too. Have you ever heard of an undercover cop?

BILLY: Yep.

The brave men and women of our police forces couldn't keep us safe if they didn't sometimes have to pose as bad guys to catch bad guys, right?

BILLY: Ditto, Rush.

So of course, Satan will tell us to kick a dog, or smoke some crack, or shoot passing motorists with a flare gun, or, say, rub up against an albino child eating an ice cream cone and make it spill the ice cream and cry but no one will believe it when it accuses you, cus, look at it, it's a freak! But that doesn't mean, Billy, are you still with me?

BILLY: Yep.

Satan doesn't really want you to do any of that stuff, anymore than the undercover cop really wants a million dollars of cocaine. Satan is just testing you!

BILLY: But, still, uh.. at least some of the temptation succeeds, and the albino kids cry, or whatever, and so, so you're gonna have more evil on the earth than... that if it was just god and no Satan at all.

Billy, now... Billy, think about that for a second. Think about what you said. If there's no Satan to tempt people, we're all going to go to heaven. Do you want to go to heaven and wake up next to Angela Davis? I mean, one second you're in a fatal car collision with an 18-wheeler full to the brim with live scorpions, die the most grizzly death imaginable, is the first thing you wanna see when you enter the pearly gates the whole Black Panther Party? I don't think so. Do you want Motley Crue and Ralph Nader and, and Yasser Arafat in your heaven? Come on, Billy!! The more people Satan tempts to sin, the happier I am, cus the more room there is for me in heaven. I can barely fit through a door, for Christ's sake!! For me, heaven is a place where I got room to move!!

Now, Billy, I see my engineer frantically clawing at my Plexiglas window. He's shouting something, can't quite make it out, but I can tell he's agitated. I was always agitated, too, before I found The Unholy One. See, without Satan in their lives, people are doomed to a negative outlook on life, constantly mad at all the things that don't go their way, the people that screw them over. But once you've met Lucifer, and signed the contract, and shook his hand, it seems all your problems are over! Every bad in your life turns to good!! Every parking ticket, IRS audit, botched liposuction, albino-retarded-kid lawsuit, becomes an opportunity to rejoice because I know my Cloven Hoofed Overlord is going to roast that person for eternity. Eternity, Billy!! And every night I pray to him to add a couple of degrees to the fire.

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THE EXCITING WORLD OF CHRISTIAN DEATH METAL:

AN INTERVIEW
WITH OTTO AND BARTHOLOMEW OF 'THESSALONIA'
I= dumb music journalist guy

O=otto

B= Bartholomew


I: So, you're Christians? How can you justify playing Death Metal?

Otto: It's funny to me, how that question seems to be a favorite both of uptight old Christians AND uptight extreme Satanists! Shouldn't it disturb them that they agree wholeheartedly with each other on this point??

Bartholomew: Obviously, it's a form versus content issue. Just because the lyrics of Metal have historically been, if not Satanic, at least vehemently secular (sex, drugs, and so on), that doesn't mean the form, (music) is bound to be Satanic! After all, for thousands of years, statues were only of pagan idols. And if sculptors like Michelangelo had said 'this is a heathen art form' we'd never have the beautiful christian sculptures that inspire so many people today! Anyway, this whole argument is old hat. The white churches used to be against Gospel music, in the 1800's, because it was jungle music, race music, it would corrupt the minds and souls of good white folk that listened to it. This is like a century before a similar debate occurred with rock. And now not only do white people sing gospel

Otto: Crappy gospel...

Bartholomew: But it's widely regarded as upstanding, moral music by the same Christians that revile Christian metal! I read the Bible every day and I've never read anything about Thou Shalt Not Crank Up The Distortion.

Otto: Beware of Christians who can't cite scripture when they try to tell you how to live.

Bartholomew: Our music is full of horror and violence, but this places it firmly within a millennia-old Christian tradition...from the blood-soaked passages of the Old Testament, to the infernal torments pictured by mid-evil guys like Bosch and Brughel, to 1800's fire-and-brimstone sermonizing of the revivals. It's funny. Some of the Satanic bands use Bosch as cover art. Don't they know it took a Christian mind to produce their favorite art? Is his message totally lost on them? That's like those good ol' boys with the pickup and the confederate flag, driving up the main strip blasting Gangsta rap. It's comical. If you like the gore, you should be a Christian because we had gore centuries before Satan-worshippers.

I: What do you think about all the Satanic Metal bands?

Bartholomew: I would question their sincerity. I don't hate them or make speeches condemning them to hell; God knows I did enough dumb stuff before I got saved, too! But I would question their sincerity. Christian metal bands have next to no audience, so therefore the only people doing it are people that actually believe in it. But with Satanic metal, it seems just to be part of a cookie-cutter mold that all the bands are cut from... it's indicative more of a lack of originality than a deep desire for Satan. Instead of asking "Why do metal bands all have to worship the Devil?" you could just as easily ask "Why do metal bands all have to wear tight black jeans, with ammo belts, and baggy black T-shirts?" because I think that the Satanism for them doesn't go any deeper than the T-shirts. It's not spiritual, you could say. More of a 'lifestyle.'

Otto: Occasionally you get someone like Glen Burton, who... I mean, he branded an inverted crucifix on his forehead.... I wouldn't question his sincerity! But even he doesn't seem to have a deep relationship with Satan. I read an interview with him, in Terrorizer I think. He said that he didn't believe in a physical Satan: "dude, I don't believe there's a literal red guy with horns, I don't believe he'll come up and smoke a joint with me!"... and I was amazed, reading this. Here's the most Satanic dude on the planet, and he doesn't believe in a physical Satan! What a cop out! Even very mild-mannered Christians, some are so kick-back you wouldn't even know they were born again, but even they believe in a literal, physical God that you get to meet personally after you die. Millions of us do. So we're actually more extreme than the extreme Satanists!!

Bartholomew: Satanic bands seem to have only a very superficial grasp of evil. Like they'll say "Kill God" or something. But that's such a small, superficial part of evil. For every guy uttering that kind of blasphemy, there's hundreds of guys raping their sons, beating their daughters until they have to go to the hospital. My question to the Satanic Bands would be: "Is that evil? When a guy rapes his 6 year old stepson and gives the kid AIDS? Is that something you want to claim, as a Satanist?" Or some cop throwing a kid in jail for 10 years just for a small bag of weed.... I would consider that evil, do they want to claim that, too? What about kids getting killed by drunk drivers, or people starving to death while other people get rich? Do Satanists really want to come out on the side of judges, cops and huge corporations? Maybe they do, I would respect them more if they actually did come out in favor of that, rather than dodge the tough questions like a bunch of politicians.

Otto: Not that we're holding Satanic bands to a more strict standard than Christian bands. Most Christian music is crap, because Christians have been taught that dancing is lewd and music should be uncreative if it's spiritual.

And even Christian metal bands don't do much but preach to the converted. For a long time, we were scared to play in front of secular crowds, too. Most regular kids mock Jesus, and Christian metal... but with good reason! So many of the preachers are corrupt. Unless you're really looking hard to find it, you're not going to find any love in modern Christianity.... just a bunch of old guys yelling rules about "Thou shalt not! Thou shalt not!!".. and then you find out the old guy has been living with a transvestite whore for 10 years, so why SHOULD you have faith? So I don't blame the secular kids... I blame the apathetic Christians! People too lazy to crack their own bible and check the preachers' interpretations of the gospel... who let the preacher do all their thinking for them, who would rather pry into someone else's life looking for sin than look at their own lives. Every real Christian should give those TV preachers a kick in the ass! These guys have turned more people off to Jesus than all the Satanic Metal bands combined.

If I was the guys from Slayer, I'd be praying every night, "Thanks for sending us Jimmy Swaggart and Pat Robertson!!" I know it sounds corny, but if you're really full of love for Jesus, He gives that love back and you get peace of mind. You don't walk around hating homosexuals all day.... "Grrrrr!!!! Sodomy!!!!" Your world is more peaceful because you have less temptation. Your everyday life is more productive cus you're more focused.

I: If you have peace of mind, why is your music so sick and angry?

Bartholomew: Because brutal torment is such a part of our genre, we hope to convert the Death Metallers by showing that brutal torment is actually very Christian, and in fact, the Satanic Death Metal guys are just lamely imitating the brutality of medieval Christian theology.

Otto: Again, the obvious examples are guys like Bosch and Brughel. Like them, we're hardcore Christians expressing the brutality of Hell in order to shock you to your senses. The battle for your soul, for billions of people's souls, is real to us. If the music is angry it's because we're deeply passionate about this battle. We can't turn our eyes away from the evil. We can't just say, "We're saved, we're happy, everyone else go die!" We have an obligation to witness to secular people, we can't fulfill that obligation by playing to all-Christian crowds, or singing unintelligible Christian lyrics and then maybe once every 10 minutes just saying "God! Yeah!" ... We have to really make a difference. So we play to the most Christian-hating crowds there are, but we can't witness effectively by getting up in front of total strangers and telling them how wrong they are! We have to give them the gore they want, and then. . . .

Bartholomew: We've stumbled upon a solution, and I think it's going to work out great: instead of passing out lyric sheets, we're gonna Xerox the goriest passages from the Bible, along with page and chapter numbers for other violent, sick parts to get the kids to crack a Bible on their own!! See, if you go to a metal show, kids are in a frame of mind for chaos and destruction. If we show them that the Bible has that, they won't feel condescended to or like we're preaching down to them; we're speaking their language... we're emphasizing its relevance without diluting its message.

Otto: If you convert, you'll get to keep your gore, and get to go to Heaven too! it's a win-win scenario! Because of AC-DC, kids all think Hell is this big party. It's supposed to be like the back of the school bus for eternity. You really think all the cool people are in Hell? When you get there, you'll be right next to Jimmy Swaggart, the Pope, and Jerry Falwell, and every other, hate-filled, hypocritical, lying, stealing Christian, for all time. Hell is full of really annoying people, folks. That's why they're there! Did you really think your gym coach that felt you up was going to get into Heaven? He's right next to you in the fiery pit, right next to Jerry Falwell screaming about how rock music is all bad. Bon Scott is like a hundred miles away. He can't hang out with you. He's being mobbed by all the Mormons that married their daughters.

Bartholomew: A big part of religion- ALL religion- is that religion answers the question of 'where do we go when we die?' I'd go so far as to say that by focusing so exclusively on death, dismemberment, and mutilation, many 'Evil' grind and Death bands are expressing a spiritual concern with death, and dying, even as they mock religion. It's precisely because these people desperately, secretly want to believe in life after death, in redemption, that their music is so ugly and mean. They're angry and hateful because they're scared that they might be RIGHT.... that they might actually NOT have a soul or a chance at eternal life!

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EXCERPT FROM RIKKI LAKE SHOW

Muslim Guy: Yes, I used to be what we in the Nation of Islam call 'mentally dead': I was running around in the streets, getting in all kinds of trouble. If it weren't for two things, I would be dead or in jail right now. Firstly I learned through the teachings of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad that the black man is god. (muffled catcalls from audience) Secondly, I learned that true peace and happiness can only come from HO scale model railroading.

KKK Guy: (apoplectic with shock and scorn) What??? Hell, boy, I... Well, I ain't surprised. In fact, it stands to reason you people would still be playing with children's toys. It's typical of the Negro's laziness and lack of skill that you're still messing around with HO scale model railroads (audience grumbles and prepares to pounce with righteous indignation)... when the Aryan Brotherhood has moved on to Double-O scale model railroads. Yes, folks, the elegance and smaller size of OO-scale modeling requires more dexterity, more finesse and more intelligence to assemble and configure into a lifelike diorama than any of these Uncle Tom Negroes...

Muslim Guy: (sputtering with rage and shock) You ignorant... you dim-witted, grafted simpleton!! Every fool knows that OO-scale model railroads were a product of Zionist, Jew technology. How can you call yourself a Klansman? It was in 1916, that Moey Zimmerman, fed up with the Ho-scale railroads that were too big to fit in the tiny apartments of impoverished Brooklyn Jews, devised an even smaller train set to meet their needs, and started the Jewish model-railroad conspiracy that you're advocating ...(drawing himself up to full height, and pointing at Klansman's hood for dramatic effect) Sir, you're a disgrace to that uniform!

KKK Guy: That's a gol-durned lie! Boy, you're opening a whole can of woop-ass if you're casting aspersions on Moey Zimmerman! I've said kaddish for him many a time. Fact is, the whole Alabama troop of the Grand Dragon Lodge of Aryan Stormtroopers sat shiva for Moey in 1969. But we're just into Judaism for the Modeling! That's totally different than being into the religion, and the Christ killing and the International banks, and whatnot.. Totally different!

Muslim Guy: Don't deny it! (to audience) You heard him, the Grand Dragon of the Aryan Stormtroopers, declare his sympathy for the blood-sucking Zionist, Yiddish plot. Black people of Amerikkka, there's only one way for us to fight this Satanic, cracker-hebe conspiracy: We need Black Nationalism! We've got to unite. No more, "Oh, I'm just a poor ghetto youth, I can't afford all the papier-mâché" No more "I'ma have to wait for a welfare check to buy my limited-edition 1939 caboose" NO! If all of black America rose up and pooled our resources, we could have a HO-scale track in every major city by next month that would put the crackers' tracks to shame! Huge, papier-mâché mountains; finely textured moss and lichen forests, skillfully painted HO-scale figures of Shaka Zulu and Marcus Garvey! If we can't go back to the motherland, HO scale model railroads offer us a way to bring the motherland here! By the next millennium, we could have.... a fully developed HO scale model of all of Liberia!! So send your checks to, Nation of Islam, Post ...

RIKKI LAKE: Oh please just fight

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COLORADO

REPORTER (to black-clad high-school student on lunch break): Excuse me, do you think black trench coats and Goth music caused the Colorado shootings?

STUDENT #1: Uh, I think...

STUDENT #2: (to student one) Why are you even talking to this clown? Do you really want to help him profit off of the death of those students? The more kids get killed, the more papers he sells. (to reporter) It's like, why don't you just pay students to shoot their classmates? Then you'd really be making all the money!

STUDENT #1: In a way, they already are paying kids: With the lure of free nationwide publicity, many kids now just on the edge will be encouraged to kill...

STUDENT #2: ,....and make more money for the media!

STUDENT #1: ... who will turn and blame everyone else BUT themselves! It's the music, it's the haircuts, it's the, uh, computer games....

STUDENT #2: On Thursday they reported that the shooters 'only took off their trenchcoats to bowl'. So why not blame bowling! After all, bowling leagues aren't big advertisers, you can afford to dis them. What a catchy headline! 'BOWLING KILLERS DRIVEN INSANE BY 7-10 SPLIT'

STUDENT #1: 'MARLYN MANSON GETS HIS INSPIRATION FROM BOWLING'. . .it would be as scientific as blaming trenchcoats. After all, there's a million deviated kids that don't kill anyone, but if you look at all the shooters over the past 18 months, they're mostly these square, Midwestern, all-American teens. So statistically, you ought to be saying that being square makes you crazy.

STUDENT #2: But all the stories on Littleton make it seem like 'Oh, they were deviants. If only they were normal there would of been no conflict.' Like...like doesn't it occur to even one newspaper in the whole country there would of been no conflict if the 'normal' students had just lightened up and let the deviant kids alone? Is that, like, not an option?

STUDENT #1: Yeah! Why is it always the responsibility of the weird kids to co-exist with the jocks and preppies, instead of the reverse? There's probably kids getting beat up right now in, like, Florida or Maine, by jocks in 'retaliation' for the so-called Goth shooters, thanks to your poorly researched coverage. But that doesn't matter cus it's our fault, we're deviants, vampires, whatever....

STUDENT #2: But who's the real vampire? You guys have the blood on your hands! It's your sensationalism and bloodthirsty voyeurism that have turned one or two teenage psychos into a nationwide trend! It's no secret that when Madonna was on every magazine, all the girls had to wear a crucifix and a 'midriff', and when grunge came in, everyone had their ski caps and pendletons...because it was on every TV, magazine, cover...

STUDENT #1: But suddenly when kids get wall-to-wall media coverage for shooting and stuff, you guys are all, like "What a surprise! To see such carnage in this quiet Midwestern town so far from gangs and drugs! Just like the other 8 Midwestern towns where schools got shot up! How shocking!" and pointing the finger everywhere but at yourselves... but this is the new trend. If you're a loser this is the way to get popular. Coast to coast, overnight, maximum TV saturation, famous reporters scrutinizing your diaries and your Web page, all that stuff.

STUDENT #2: When was the last time you ever did a cover story on a kid who got straight A's, or who wrote a novel or symphony or who was really good at something?

STUDENT #1: So the killers get famous, you get rich, and the students that haven't done anything wrong, get all our rights taken away in the name of 'stopping future shootings.' ...which of course won't stop because it's not about the dress code or the music, it's about the guns and publicity. In the last 18 months there have been, what, like 8 mass murders at schools. Compared to how many in '97? Like one, or none? And the year before that? Like none. There's no other reason for it to jump off like that. There have been pissed off adolescents since forever, there's been violent entertainment since the 60's, video games since the 80's, and there's even been guns everywhere since the country was founded! And yet, no mass killings till '98! Clearly the only thing that's changed is the publicity. Now it's, like, expected to shoot up a bunch of students.

STUDENT#2: It's all about getting the high score. And it's all your fault!

STUDENT #3: I'M BEING DRIVEN 'OVER THE EDGE' BY EXPLOITATIVE JOURNALISM AND A VIOLENT MEDIA ESTABLISHMENT!! I'M NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! (stabs reporter in neck)

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MILLI VANILLI RANT

ROB: The American musical consumer consistently and by a huge margin favors totally derivative music over experimental music, favors people who don't write their own songs over people who do, prefers people who don't write their own dance routines, who don't play any of the instruments, who quite often have no live musicians whatsoever, just a computer, who don't direct their own videos, who don't design their own t-shirts, who have 'image consultants' deciding what they wear, and whose stage shows consist of several dozen lasers, smog machines and stage props offset by throngs of dancers, with the star being this tiny ant-sized speck in the center of the stage you can barely see, and in short voluntarily buys music that is 99 percent totally phony, and this same American public feels this totally visceral, almost incredulous sense of betrayal that we lip-synch? Did I miss something?

FAB: Did I, also, miss something?

ROB: Are you totally unable to draw a distinction between slick, prefab pop icons like Madonna and Bon Jovi and rustic, authentic folk singers like Bob Dylan or Utah Phillips? Just because, you know, "They all sing"? That's like me saying "Me and Paula Abdul are the only real musicians ever, because we actually write our own dance moves, and everyone else actually secretly hired some choreographer to fool the good people of America."

FAB: And then everyone actually agreeing with us. Saying, "Hey, all the fun I had at the Bon Jovi show, it was all an illusion cus the choreography was fake. This spectral hack choreographer has somehow retroactively siphoned off all the hours of fun I had listening to this band, and now I can't like them anymore." I'm not saying Bon Jovi is bad, I'm saying it's absurd to crave bogosity in 9 of 10 categories, and then claim you're getting a totally authentic experience because #10 is inviolate.

ROB: Sure, we lip-synch. Movie stars have body doubles for naked scenes. You make them millionaires.

FAB: You vote for politicians that haven't written a speech themselves in years.

ROB: You care more about what happens to a TV character than your next door neighbor, and then you call me phony? Me and that other guy in my band, whatever his name is? FUCK YOU!!!

FAB: Suck my spandex cock, American music purchaser!! You're the fake-ass perpetrating motherfucker du jour! You just blame us because you don't want to think about why YOU bought our phony album in such alarming numbers. You, the discerning, savvy record-buying person, from the coolest nation on Earth, couldn't possibly be so vapid. Somehow the fake singing fogged your otherwise alert mind, and you couldn't tell the rest of the album was obviously ghost-written, computer-performed, and pre-fabricated.

ROB: Insert sarcastic affirmative phrase here.

FAB: You're going to catch a Reebok in your rectum talking that shit.

ROB: Don't get me started.

FAB: So have it your way. Milli Vanilli is breaking up. But since we're such 'fakers,' don't expect us to 'really' break up.

ROB: Oh, no, we're an insidious bunch of swindlers.

FAB: We're a viper's nest of treachery spanning a global-wide conspiracy.

ROB: Here's what we're going to do:

FAB: We're so confident of your utterly loathesome lemminglike stupidity that we'll tell you right now what the plan is. Let no one say we are utter dissimulators. We're giving you our sordid plot now, and you'll fall for it anyway.

ROB: It'll just make our eventual victory that much sweeter.

FAB: We'll keep on releasing records, me and Whatsisname, Other-Guy-Face, we'll just keep pumping out the totally phony, generic aerobics music you people can't seem to resist. Only we'll use other people's names. Madonna. Cher. C&C Music Factory. MC Hammer.

ROB: Why not? We're fakers, right?

FAB: We'll keep putting out these phony albums and you'll keep buying them, and you'll make us richer than ever. Then, sometime around 2005 when we finally achieve complete global domination, we'll put on every TV, radio and newspaper, a list of all the albums we put out under assumed names. Names so dumb any idiot could clearly tell it was a joke: "Nine Inch Nails", "Marilyn Manson", "the Orb."

ROB: And you'll be overcome with grief at your own stupidity. Tearing your hair, lashing your firstborn, lamenting "Oh, why, why didn't we buy music with actual instruments that couldn't have been faked by two Eurotrash morons and a mediocre sequencer? Why did we spend 20 years totally shunning the hundreds of great, original, inimitable musicians, and driving them into starvation? Why did we throw ourselves headlong into the most humiliating scenario even though we'd been warned??"

FAB: And then we'll record you lamenting, and tape contact mikes to your torso as you autoflagellate yourself into a blood-soaked repentant frenzy, and use that as vocals on our 'comeback' Milli Vanilli album.

ROB: And, in a final gesture of crushing contempt, we will, in utter seriousness, claim that we did all the singing even though you can clearly hear your own voice cursing yourself out in the most vile language on the record.

FAB: And it will be played everywhere, on all the media that you helped us buy by purchasing millions of these bogus dance-pop records. Every elevator, aerobics club, disco, every airport, dentist office, is going to have this tune in heavy rotation. "BOOM,-CH, BOOM-CH, BOOM-CH, "I'm such a fuckin' moron..."BOOM-CH, BOOM-CH, "Please kill me now, God!!" BOOM-CH- BOOM-CH, "I loved crap more than life itself!" BOOM-CH, "I'm lower than mole shit!" BOOM-CH......" You won't be able to escape your constant carnival of humiliation.

ROB: hey, how'd that kitten get in here?

 

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INTER-RACIAL COMMENTARY IN THE PARK


Golden Gate Park, in front of the Aquarium.... Geek Girl and Punk Guy are walking when they espy a well-dressed John-Yoko couple (otherwise known as a 'Jerry')creeping up the Aquarium steps....

GEEK GIRL- - -Check out that well dressed Jerry...

PUNK GUY - - -Eh? Oh.. (noticing) ... a very high-quality Jerry indeed.

GEEK GIRL - - -Man...I'm sick of that shit... Does she have any idea how he sees her? Like, a single clue? That he's just, like, "Dude, check out my new exotic....uh...orifice!"?

PUNK GUY - - -She's going, "Oh, Frank is so sensitive... he took me to the Aquarium... he likes fish..."

GEEK GIRL- - -"He said he wants to try my sushi...."

PUNK GUY - - -That's fucked up, Geek Girl!

GEEK GIRL - - -Or wait, maybe... maybe she knows what his deal is, but she doesn't care cus she's got an even bigger fetish for white guys.

PUNK GUY - - -You're not supposed to admit that happens...

GEEK GIRL - - - -"Meet Frank, my hulking, huge, hairy, none-too-bright but over-sexed, big-dicked foreign devil... of the week."

PUNK GUY - - -"I got another couple of 'em lined up..." Or maybe, oh, I dunno... maybe it's a money thing. He looks like some stockbroker dude.

GEEK GIRL - - -Yeah, but for them to really be a good, cliché, gold-digger couple, he'd have to be short, bald, potbelly... kind of like you...

PUNK GUY - - -Neener neener!!

GEEK GIRL - - -...But this guy is not only loaded, he's a hell of model-looking type of GQ rich guy that could get chicks even if he was broke.

PUNK GUY - - - There is no God.

GEEK GIRL - - -Wrong. Cus you're forgetting one thing: Drugs.

PUNK GUY - - -Drugs?

GEEK GIRL - - -Yeah... even ugly broke-ass guys can get laid if it's known they have drugs. 'Frank' could be this broken down, hook-nosed, bandy-legged, torn-shirt old guy in the corner but if you're this skanky, meth-addict biker chick and you know 'Frank' is the only one in the place with meth, you're going to get with 'Frank'. So that's the great equalizer.

PUNK GUY - - -So God is like a sleazy meth dealer?

GEEK GIRL - - -Yes, my son. But that's not the issue... I don't care why she's going out with this goon, I want to know if SHE knows HE sees her as this disposable one-dimensional fetish object.


PUNK GUY - - -Maybe- and this is the scariest possibility yet-- she isn't even deep enough to ask herself that question. Maybe she's only concerned with appearances: "Am I on a date? With a guy? And do I look good? OK, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing...wake me when it's over." type thing...

GEEK GIRL - - -My god, you've uncovered the sinister plot. But I can kind of see the appeal of that point of view... it's no fun constantly second-guessing guys and being paranoid all the time. Maybe she's not only got more dates than me, but she also has a more fun, carefree life than I do.. until him and his frat-boy buddies gang rape her by the penguin booth.

PUNK GUY - - -Jesus Christ, man!

GEEK GIRL - - -I mean, if she's not into thinking about who she's with, why can't she just go out with me? I'm here, aren't I? and I'm fucking generic enough!!!

PUNK GUY - - -No you're not. You make people think too much. You'd start asking questions and she'd get all self-conscious... you'd make her work too hard.

GEEK GIRL - - -(pouts)

PUNK GUY - - -Or maybe... maybe she's just new here. Maybe she's just stoked to be out with a white guy cus she thought it would be really hard to get one... "Hey Mom! I did it! I got a honkey! On my first day! Can you believe it?"

GEEK GIRL - - -Yeah, what's up with you white guys anyway? Do Asian broads just have some high-pitched whistle only you can hear?

PUNK GUY - - -I think it's more like a virus: you stand too close to some creepy fetish guy on BART and the next day you wake up and take down all your fuckin, uh, Kate Moss posters and stuff, and put up Joan Chen.

GEEK GIRL- - - Kate Moss?!?

PUNK GUY - - -Uh... Paula Abdul? Whoever white guys are supposed to like.

GEEK GIRL- - -Jeesus, you punks are sheltered. Wrapped in a protective cocoon of Aqua-Net and spikes.

PUNK GUY - - -Um... 'oi?'

GEEK GIRL - - - So if you guys have the virus, where does that leave Asian guys?

PUNK GUY - - -Where do you think? They're fucking pissed. I mean, letters to the editor, support groups, the whole nine. But what's up with you white girls? What do you when you want to make that squishing noise and all the white guys are otherwise engaged?

GEEK GIRL- - -Frankly, we're glad to have the attention off of us for a moment. Collect our wits. We got sick of the constant hooting and just, like, tagged in the Asian chicks. When we've gotten our collective wind back, they'll tag us in and we'll administer the suplex.

PUNK GUY - - -Yikes!

GEEK GIRL - - -I'm serious. It's the pacific rim, tag team gender championships. You're going down, brother!

PUNK GUY: - - -(embarrassed silence)

GEEK GIRL - - -Uh... anyway.

PUNK GUY - - -That was the worst Hulk Hogan possible.

GEEK GIRL- - - I know, I know, I'm a geek.

PUNK GUY - - - I wonder what it would be like to move from, like Saigon to San Francisco. At home, you're just Billy Nguyen's fat sister, but here you could date a different guy every night...

GEEK GIRL- - - ...But the catch is, they're all racist.

PUNK GUY- - - What's that going to do to your self-esteem? To be treated like you're totally popular and special, but at the same time nobody gives two shits about who you really are? Are you going to feel really happy about it, or totally worthless?

GEEK GIRL - - -If you wanna know how that feels, move to Japan! Dye your hair blonde first, though.

PUNK GUY - - - Yeah, I could start a vending machine business selling white guys' used boxer shorts to schoolgirls. Give it an exotic name like, "Chester's of Toledo"....

 

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DEBBIE, THE HUMAN RESOURCES DIRECTOR, HAS PROBLEMS


DEBBBIE: Hi Bert, Sally, come on in. It has come to my attention- in the form of mean spirited and unsubstantiated office gossip- that you two are engaged in an inappropriate romantic relationship. I'm sorry to have to call you in, but unfortunately this is the 90's and lawsuits are a very big risk to business. If your relationship ends in an unsatisfactory way, one of you could sue the other for sexual harassment. So it's my business to ask you exactly what sexual favors have been bestowed, how often, and if any promotions were either asked or promised during the sexual favor bestowing.

SALLY: What the fuck?!?

DEBBIE: Sally, that's enough!! That kind of non-compliance will be reported!

BERT: Yes, Sally, she's right..... Debbie.... you're right. Absolutely. I have been acting inappropriately at work. I've been very negligent about pointing out potential lawsuits. In the past, when I saw a high-risk situation I would just ignore it, and that's inappropriate for the Corporation and for myself as a caring person who represents that Corporation. And I apologize. From now on, I'll be as vigilant as you in protecting the legal health of our Corporation. As a matter of fact, let's start with your office. That cat poster-- that's a lawsuit and a half! I can't believe we're still in business, even.

SALLY: Can't you see that cat's totally naked??

BERT: Uh...yeah! It's sexual harassment of animals! All we need is one environmental nut in here and it'll be a lawsuit. I'll have to take that down... nothing personal of course. Just looking to cut down lawsuits. Hey now, let go of that, Debbie. Your non-compliance will be reported to the Legal Department.

SALLY: And your computer, the one with your secret files on everyone's personal life, look how sharp the corners are on it! Someone could trip on the carpet and ---BAM--- out comes their eye socket on that corner.

BERT: A fur-retrieval company in Delaware just had to declare bankruptcy because of such a suit.

SALLY: We'll have to take that computer. Nothing personal. And about your ass...

BERT: It has come to our attention that you have the fattest ass at the whole company.

SALLY: It's so large that it constitutes a health hazard.

BERT: Uh, yes....um...An otherly-abled American with a seeing disability could walk right into it and suffocate and you wouldn't notice until 30 minutes later when the nerve transmissions from the outermost reaches of your ass finally reached your brain.

SALLY: And by that time it's too late.

BERT: Which is really appalling that you'd be that negligent, after all the fine contributions made by blind people like,,, that nurse, whatshername....

SALLY: Florence Nightengale?

BERT: Yes, Florence Nightengale, and Amelia Earhart. And you think so little of them that you'd walk around with an ass like that...

SALLY: Like you're just daring them to fall in.

BERT: So to forestall the risk of an anti-cripple lawsuit, we're going to have to ask you to either leave the ass at home or find employment at some other, more cold-hearted uncaring company. Plus it's an issue of your health as well. You're bound to catch a heart attack walking up the one step to the water cooler, and then you'd sue us because you died at work.... it's just a matter of weeks before it happens.

SALLY: Days, really.

BERT: It's completely unfair to the Corporation that you'd die on the job that way. There's just no way you can go on living with an ass that large... unless you get a baboon heart transplanted into it to assist in the circulation in that area.

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SLAYER

About 10 years ago, SPIN had an article written by some bona-fide priest that went on tour with Slayer for a week, which was a first-class journalistic concept, but it could of been a lot better. Here's what they should of talked about on the tour bus:

P- PREACHER

TA- TOM ARRAYA

KK-- KERRY KING

==================

 

TA- - - -So you're the priest that's going to be exposing us, eh?

P - - - - That's me...

KK - - - -Why are you touring with us? Clearly, if we're allowing you to come along and gather information to be used against us, we must not be too displeased with the idea of a negative article. Don't you worry that you're somehow playing into our hands?

P- - - - Oh, I'm aware that you think a negative article will be a boon, but I'm just betting that you're stupid and wrong. See, I don't have to write 'They're evil!!'... maybe I'll write 'They're not as evil as they purport to be!! They're just in it for the money!' in other words, say that you're a failure not only on my terms but on yours as well.

TA- - - - And yet even that kind of expose won't hurt us! See, only an intelligent person would be able to read that and go 'Oh, they're a failure as Evil, they're frauds!!' but a stupid person wouldn't be able to comprehend that, a stupid person would just see "Dude, Slayer pissed off the priest guy! That's cool!!' And which kind of person do you think will be more likely to buy Slayer records in the first place?

P - - - -So that's why you're letting me tour with you?

KK- - - -There's two other reasons. One is that we're pleased you even had the balls to ask. I mean, we wouldn't have the balls to play the Vatican. Besides, it would of been easier for you to just never leave the pulpit, just sit on your ass and preach to the converted that Slayer is bad, but here you are, deep in enemy territory, so to speak, actually taking the time to get our point of view.

TA - - - -The other reason is the road gets excruciatingly boring. We need someone intelligent to argue with otherwise we just argue with ourselves over dumb shit.

KK- - - -So, ironically, you'd have damaged us more by leaving us to fight among ourselves. The devil makes work for idle hands...

TA- - - -That's why you had to sign a contract saying that you'd record everything and we'd get copies of all the tapes regardless of what you ended up writing. You're like a secretary. You'd better be recording all this, cus we won't be nearly as articulate in a couple of days. the road is so enervating, mentally as well as physically.

KK - - - -Do the other priests at the church, did they sort of make fun of you for going on tour with us? Were they like, "Don't get converted, now, hear?"

P - - - -Actually I don't think they talked about it. They don't know.

TA So you're on like a secret mission? if you were to wind up on videotape, naked on stage with a bottle of Jack Daniel's , cursing into the mike in front of 15,000 kids, would they disavow any knowledge of your existence? "We have no records of such a man.... he must be a crazed impostor"...

kk- - - - 'This bible will self-destruct in ten seconds. . .'

P - - - -We'll cross that bridge when we come to it .

KK- - - - What kind of priest are you? Episcopalian, Pentecostal, what?

P- - - -I'm a Baptist.

KK - - - - So how is that different from other Christian groups? Are Catholics going to hell?

P - - - - Both Satanists and Catholics can be saved by being born again in the holy spirit.

KK - - - -But you don't think the pope is just gonna wake up tomorrow and be like, "Hey, I've been doing this shit all wrong!! I'm going to hell unless I convert to Baptism!!" and charter a Concorde over to Louisiana, right? So he's basically going to be in hell. We'll be serenading him for eternity.

TA - - - -Seriously, why are you wasting your time 'exposing' satanic musicians when you could be exposing Catholics? After all, Satanists don't kill more than 4 people a year, but Catholics and Protestants kill dozens of each other every year. So what's the big fuss about devil-music? Kum Bye-ya has probably gotten a higher body count in Ireland alone than anything us and Venom combined ever wrote.

P - - - -So you do worship the devil?


TA - - - -Well that's a loaded question, isn't it? I mean, Louis Leakey writes about the Australopithecus and Homo erectus, but you wouldn't ask him "Why are you an ape-man?" would you? We're not Satanists any more than Picasso is paint. Satanism is our métier!! See, you Christian types are making the same mistake our fans make, but in reverse. If we write some lyrics about demons disemboweling you and taking your soul to hell, half the people go "EEEK!! They're all for it!" and the other half goes, like, "Fuck yeah, dude, they're all for it!" but nobody at all understands it. By confusing telling a story with advocating it, you're making the same mistake of the dope-smoking, semi-literate, acne-soaked heshers you despise.

KK - - - -See, now he's all happy. He's thinking 'Well, I've just seen my main thesis shattered but I've got Slayer on tape hating their fans, here's a new expose!' but you see, we've been amused by how dumb these kids are for a long time. So we knew it would come up if you went on the road with us....

TA - - - -We got together and said, should we just avoid that topic, or not. We decided 'fuck it' cus we're Slayer and we don't give a fuck. If you actually believe in devils and all that crap, you're as dumb as a Christian and we're gonna mock you. And we won't even lose any money because for every die hard Satan dude that reads this and gives all his Slayer albums to Tipper to burn, there's gonna be another kid that's not a Slayer fan but sees that we really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, and then jumps on our bandwagon because of our perverted integrity. So again, no expose.


P - - - -But still, isn't that kind of a cop out? If you're singing about sacrificing people, and don't say it's wrong, isn't it reasonable to assume you're in favor?

TA - - - -Well, first of all, you wouldn't be asking that if we were making movies about Satanism. Nobody thinks the guy who did, like Exorcist or Omen movies is a devil worshipper. For some reason movies and books can be as evil as they want and the public--even if offended by the violence-- doesn't make these crazy ad hominem allegations about the mentality of the authors. 'It's just horror stories,' they say.

P - - - -But teenagers don't form cliques in school based on books or movies. A jock could go to an exorcist movie and not be seen as a traitor, for instance. For some reason it's only music that dictates who is your role model and who is your enemy.

KK - - - -You're right about that; we don't have any explanation for that.

TA - - - -Kids are dumb, that's our theory.

P - - - -But if you admit it's true that music has a power over kids that other media don't, then shouldn't you admit that music therefore be held to a more strict accountability, because kids, however irrationally, are going to take your 'horror story' lyrics literally, as advocacy?

TA - - - -Why should we pay for the irrationality of others? Better to have music appreciation programs in schools where kids can be shown how music works, using contemporary, relevant bands and not Sousa marches for the benefit of the jocks. By explaining how music is contrived, kids will see how phony it is, and so it won't dominate their identity over film or TV, Teach the kids how lyrics can tell a story without advocating it. In fact, Slayer should replace the pledge of allegiance on the homeroom PA.

KK - - - -Besides, Dan Rather puts out more violence to millions of more people a day than Slayer, but nobody asks Him about the propriety of 'if it bleeds, it leads' type vulture journalism! And, I might add, kids don't watch the news. Their parents, who hate Slayer, do.... they can't blame our music as a corrupting influence, but still they crave blood, and watch the bloodiest, most horrific news shows WAY more than the MacNeil Report and shit.

TA - - - -In fact, about half our Slayer lyrics are inspired by TV news!! If you'd done any research you'd know that the lyrics are written by both Kerry King and myself.... the horror stuff is generally Kerry's, which I tend to mock. It seems a bit too Dungeons and Dragons for an adult, macho man like myself to sing about orcs and demons and such. So we get to argue over that a bit. My lyrics are more reality-based, more relevant, Nazi, serial-killer-oriented, and have the detached, nonjudgmental tone taken from the newscaster's style. It's like "Here's some evil. Make of it what you will."

P - - - -Allright, so you're not advocating evil for it's own sake; you either package it as entertaining but escapist and unreal, or use it as subject matter for a documentary type lyric. But still, if you're not pro-evil, why stick to evil lyrics? Clearly nice, happy things such as mermaids and unicorns can be seen as entertainment, and issues of grain embargoes and utility rate hikes lend themselves to journalism, yet these themes are not found in your music, even though they correspond much better with 'entertainment' and 'journalism' that you espouse than your 'evil' lyrics... Could it be the great Slayer is scared to do anything original? That you're frightened of the mocking laughs you'd get if you deviated from the metal party line?

TA - - - -Here's another case where even a few minutes of research would have saved you from asking a silly question. Metal isn't like art, where the main goal is to do something totally unique and personal. Nobody ever claimed that. Unique and personal means sensitive which means weak, the opposite of what we are about.

KK - - - -Also, you're again showing a double standard: You wouldn't ask such a question to, say Schubert or Beethoven were they alive today. You wouldn't say, "Why do you have to use the same harmonies and rules as all the other classical composers, and have a tonal center, and resolve a seventh to a perfect first , and so forth.... you must be a coward!" But there's two amazing ironies here: that the Death Metal of barely-literate, glue-huffing, be-zitted lower-class Hessians has more in common philosophically with the elite, mannered, be-wigged, aristocratic world of classical and baroque music than with contemporary rock or pop...

P - - - -And what's that?

KK - - - -The common denominator is that in both styles the ultimate goal is not to express anything unique or personal but to try and pursue an ideal.....to come as close to the perfect, quintessential tune of that genre as possible. Not to say that originality never occurs, such as the leaps forward that were made by Iron Maiden or Webern, or Motorhead or Stravinsky, but that the originality is just a by-product of a larger goal. This is different than modern pop or rock music, which purports to take the listener inside the mind of the artist and see what unique sensitive thoughts they have... but apparently all they can come up with is "Baby, baby." So it's pop music that's a failure on it's own terms because it has become clichéd without a good reason.

TA - - - -What's the other irony, tangent-boy??

KK - - - -Oh yeah,... uh.... the other irony is that classical music is totally sacrosanct! It's above criticism for being unoriginal, but only to the folks who never listen to it! The very conservative folks that say to kids, "Why are you wasting time with that heavy metal crap? Get a haircut and listen to some nice classical music!" themselves never bother with classical. They're too into Pat Boone, and the beach boys, or whoever. I bet if you locked Tipper Gore in a closet with nothing but Sibelius and Brahms for a month, she'd be ready for some metal when she got out.... "Aahhhh! This crap all sounds the same! Gimme some Slayer!" Whereas the dudes who DO listen to lots of classical are the Modernist composers who get fed up really quick, and produce atonal works which are far more abrasive and arrhythmic than anything we could ever come up with!!!

TA - - - - To return to the point: we don't aim to do anything original. We're just trying to create the one perfect, infinitely heavy metal song, over and over again. Once it gets heavy enough, it's gonna become a naked singularity, a black hole of infinite density, and suck us all in, and we'll be done. Reign In Blood is regarded as our best album but it was actually the worst thing that could of happened to us creatively cus now everything we do has to be heavier. I mean, if the criteria for a new Slayer song was "Is every part heavier than anything we've ever written before?" Our new album would take 3 years and only have one song on it. It's impossible. Nowadays it's all we can do just to generate songs that are barely heavy enough to be as heavy as Slayer is supposed to sound.

KK - - - -Now that could be your expose right there, you know, "Slayer are hacks, they've lost it" but in fact that has nothing to do at all with our supposed 'Satanism.' Nothing! Bands run out of ideas in all styles of music, but it's just that most of them won't admit it.

TA - - - -It's not even like we fuckin' lost ideas.... We come up with riffs all the time, whether we want to or not, we have metal in our heads like an industrial accident! But most of the riffs get thrown out. Perfectly good riffs, recognizably metal, recognizably Slayer, but still just not heavy enough. We raised the bar too high. Victims of our own achievement.

The only way for us to keep from really burning out, especially on the road, is to have outside interests. For instance, I collect butterflies, and Kerry here is one of the most learned scholars of the poetry of Adrienne Rich.

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