KITTY GOODS COLLECTION is a magazine. During a fugue state back in 2003, I collected about a dozen issues, searching for the fabled hello kitty step-exercise machine and the pon pon purin hazmat suit. I found neither, but here are some of the highlights.

One of the suprising things about kitty is her resourcefulness. For instance, just when you thought you are completely jaded she turns around busts out with some shit to make you go dayymn. Consider the picture below. Of COURSE kitty is going to have tvs, mds, microwaves, fans, brooms, and a blender. . . .

but an air cleaner? dammmn. diecast, you say? with twin-fan power?

following is the translation of the book:

DIECAST AIR CLEANER
A twin-fan manufactured device. By means of deodorizing filter, tobacco, pet, and living garbage smells are made equal.

The discomfort of the room odors are eliminated.

and again, the x-29 vacuum cleaner is precisely the kind of thing one would expect, but. . .

the x-32 hello kitty christmas humidifier???

i've been collecting sanrio for longer than you have been alive and even i was like, what the hell?

COMPACT ADDITIONAL HUMIDITY DEVICE

By means of the boiling ceremony, MINUS ION is also coming out unfortunately!
The stylish girl whose beauty is very sensitive to damage, is more than merely tickled by this.

By means of its Compact size, this unit can suddenly halt the minus ion of the one-person-lifestyle apartment.

you kind of have to look close to see the kitties on these dresses, but i assure you they are real.

WITH KITTY'S UEDINGUDORESU, YOU CAN SEE THE DREAM OF THE MAXIMUM HAPPINESS MOMENT!

From now on, you and the man whom you love will be walking down the same road. So therefore make him witness number-one most beautiful image of yourself since you were born! This kind of stylish girl is far from being easily satisfied, so arrange her with the Kitty uedingudoresu! No matter which kind of female wants to show her gorgeousness, a design exists for her. Of course she is with the beloved kitty together inserted in the dress, so a natural and happy smiling face should be overcome with emotion.

s

LET:S DO A HAPPY KIND OF ORIGINAL WEDDING BY MEANS OF COLLABORATING WITH KITTY!

That, at the sanrio puroland which everyone loves, a perfect wedding plan exists, is an expression which is said, are you aware?

This plan includes a wedding ceremony and the following reception, as well as happy wishes to the new couple which you can choose.

The costumed characters assist your luxurious celebrations, and guests dine on specially made tableware by which they enjoy the delicious food.

A wedding which is so unique, the kitty fan absolutely must hanker for!

and, i'm sure you already have the infamous HK Vibrator. all smug, you are! but do you have the massager?

ior the rubik's cube?

TOILET SCENE SERIES THREE!!
Next is the big remodeling of the toilet!

Moreso than merely private space, toilet is a place where relaxing is possible, so therefore one must be careful to coordinate the decorations.

Don't worry about the visitor who might knock momentarily, compose yourself and let out a smile.

To everyone, toilet has a big reputation!

and no issue of KITTY GOODS COLLECTION would be complete without an interview with an obsessive collector!

One

One would expect that this would be enough weirdness for one report, but no. They get a Feng Shui Master to analyze the kitty room.

The strongest kitty-room on the face of the earth!

Let:s look with Feng Shui!

Mrs. Takaya, who loved pink always even before she loved Kitty.

Doing the "Clothing and accessories such as cellphones, everything surrounding her body must be pink colored" kind of lifestyle lady, who, once she became conscious of Kitty, can't turn down anything related to Kitty.

This time, let's all crave Mrs. Takaya's kitty room!

"everything surrounding me is usually pink, so naturally pink kitty plays the leading part in my room."

It is the house of Takaya, who has been doing a kitty-colored room for so many years.
At the present time she makes a tasteful first impresson!

If given the opportunity to move, she would make her new house also Kitty environment certainly.

Therefore, with the arrangement policy of which she is doing, kitty is the only essential thing.

The Feng Shui master gave her the "entire room diagnosis", in its capacity as a Kittyroom, it is very proficient and has "good-coordination."

Let's introduce you to this room and the same time , receive the advice of Teacher Momoka, the Feng Shui master!

FENG SHUI MASTER MOMOKA ON THE ROOM AS A WHOLE--
Speaking of the room as a whole, we must make sure the Kitty balance is good.
In the case of her room, the north-facing energy is absolutely suitable for the pink kitty!

North is the direction of trustworthiness, calmness, and compassion, and other such good energies.

So, the interior color of pale pink brings the room together in a cheerful atmosphere and connects it to a "cheer up" feeling, yo.

FENG SHUI MASTER MOMOKA ON THE BED

The area surrounding the bed is responsible for building good energy, so it is a very important point.

Bedcovering, sheets, curtains, and so forth. . . all are affected by the yin/yang balance.

If they are plain, it is . yang energy, and if they have a pattern it is yin.

But in this case, all the patterns are the same Kitty, it is all Yin, so we should try to correct the balance.

FENG SHUI MASTER MOMOKA ON THE TABLE

Using your desk as a chest-of-drawers (as Ms. Takaya does) is not bad, but having such a low desk is a matter of some importance.

Because, whether studying or working, the desk is the symbol of knowledge.

So, if one has to look down at the desk, one's knowledge limit is low. Whereas, a tall desk means the angle of looking is higher, thus one's knowledge is also potentially higher.

So, let's try to use a higher desk!

,

but not every Sanrio product can be as successful as Kitty. What of the failures? the castaways, the morbid byproducts of capitalism?

the characters that you never heard off, huddling in their discount warehouses? what of them?

of course I'm talking about. . . .

Delicious friends are, at the burger shop, having a big gathering!
WELCOME TO DOKIDOKIYUMMYCHUMS

Very fancy new characters are cheerfully making an entrance!

With pop-art colors and unique characters, naturally anyone who is holding them will display the smiling face without a mishap!

What is dokidoki yummychums?
Cute and interesting new chums are unfurling before your eyes.

Welcome to the unique world of them! Hamburgers and fries are the motif!

When you collect enough of them, you can open your own burger shop.

With mirth and enthusiasm you can distribute the food to your customers.

I have a hunch that these are the `food characters` who will soon become popular.

Dokidoki shakes

He is one of four cheerful brothers.

He is very kind to young girls but gets so excited by them that is contents spill out unfortunately through his straw.

What is going on here? Interesting.

Dokidoki burger

Always with a beaming smile, the famous burger is the king who owns a passionate heart.

Therefore a cold area is his weak point. He is decorated with so many different flavors you won't be able to get sick of him!!

Dokidoki fries

Everone's idol , the little girl with the cute big eyes.

She is so enthusiastic she calls out to everyone she sees.

She has a loveable surface also.

Dokidoki chicken chums

He is a great friend of all the babies who are recently born.

At all times jumping and rotating with great delight.

Somehow it looks like he is already beginning to sprout the teeth, isn't it?

and who is to say, which is more awkward -- fast food stuffed animals, or this:

The daughter of Hiruton Hotel also loves the kitty which is cute!
From the small times a huge fan, for instance, the Hiruton family's daughter Parisu also came to the show.

It is a kitty choker which Tarina Tarantino has designed.

The person who is alive in the neighboring area is heavy metal world's charismatic ojii ozuboun son jack.

He who is doing America:s mtv 's very famous comedy program, also came on stage.

Together they are making it cool by means of wearing the kitty!

my band has a live show.

ifor those of you living in japan, please come to my show.

i will play the drums in a punk band. it is called low vision.

i am a token gaijin.

the show is next sunday, october 8th.

5 pm, 500 yen.

it:s at a practice studio called NISHIOGIKUBO U.E.N.

HERE IS THE MAP -- http://uen.co.jp/uen/map.htm

basically you take jr chuo to nishiogkubo station

then out the north exit, pass a row of banks, walk 2 minutes and it is on your right.

suginami ku nishiogkubo kita, 3-31-14

anyway please come and witness rock. i will make many mistakes and possibly commit seppuku.

--------------------------------------

This is a translation of a March 2004 interview with them.

ONOCHIN - guitar
INOMA - bass, vocals
GANGAN - drums.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHERRYTIME - So, you finished it, right? The 33 song recording-session?

ONOCHIN - Yeah, it's over. For reals.

INOMA- (we did) 3 CDs at once; (the titles of the cds are) "little girl", "hole in the panties", and "one-sided love." We still have to mix them, but we're basically done.

ONOCHIN - I already forgot how to play the first bunch of songs.

INOMA- Well, I forgot what I ate yesterday.

ONOCHIN - Me too.

INOMA- November, December, January.. . . just busy every day.

GANGAN- Especially January! Every day.

INOMA - Oh really? You didn't show up most of December

GANGAN- Yup.

ONOCHIN- What?!??

ONOCHIN - I didn't show up half the time, myself!

GANGAN- Naw, you came, I think…

ONOCHIN - yeah, but if you divide it by the amount of time we spent, it was only half.

INOMA- what does that even mean?

GANGAN- but, when it was time for the photo session, you showed up early!

CHERRYTIME- yeah! Why were you so eager to have your picture taken?

ONOCHIN - that was just a coincidence. My kids woke me up early that day, being all noisy.

INOMA- ah, your second-eldest son again?

ONOCHIN - yup. . I got ten kids at my house, but he makes the most commotion.

INOMA- I saw it on TV the other day. {the Onochin's House Report.} it must be tough living there.

ONOCHIN - big family, big trouble!!

CHERRYTIME - um. Is it ok to tell lies like that? Can we talk about your album?

INOMA- Ok. My biggest challenge was finding a way to market and sell 3 albums at the same time. Also, being forced to record them all at once., impossibly

ONOCHIN - Yeah, it was force all right! No foreplay.

INOMA- Just directly, insertion. But then again, sometimes that's a good thing. Girls always ask for gentle romantic sex but sometimes they abruptly demand the violence. I also heard that there is a secret wish for rape.

ONOCHIN - Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't think so.

INOMA- it's been medically proven.

ONOCHIN - what? For reals?

INOMA- like for instance during a bank robbery. Female employees who are held hostage said that there was an undercurrent of sex to the whole thing.

ONOCHIN - oh, so that proves it then?

INOMA- They get all excited from the fear!

ONOCHIN - OK, so from now on we'll do it 'rape style.'

INOMA- so, so! Let's usher in the 'rape era.' The new theme for ONANIE MACHINE.

ONOCHIN - but even so, we'll wipe up the mess gently afterwards. We're adults, after all.

INOMA- we have the ettiquette for it!

ONOCHIN - it's fundamantal. "ladies first" is our motto, so we'll wipe up their juices first.

INOMA- Recently I can't get it up though.

ONOCHIN - Speaking of recent times, Recently I became an adult.

INOMA- Huh?

ONOCHIN - No matter how unwashed or smelly the pussy is, I'm licking it.

CHERRYTIME - jesus christ, man!

ONOCHIN - "do the cunni!" I say!

INOMA- "Let's Cunni!!" haha, but seriously, I find it loathesome.

CHERRYTIME - oooh kaaaaay. . . .Excuse me, but can we leave the cunnilingus discussion for a moment and talk about your album? Which I want to hear about?

INOMA-(completely ignoring him) Even if it's loathesome, it's still important to do. It's like the "barometer of ardor," isn't it?

ONOCHIN - Like that! Essential.

INOMA- because it's cunnilingus!!!!

CHERRYTIME - hey! Enough already!

INOMA- (still ignoring the interviewer) but, these 3 CDs we are releasing together. . . their theme is totally cunnilingus!!

ONOCHIN - no matter the smell!

INOMA- among the youth today, the boys don't cunni anymore.

ONOCHIN - that's absolutely terrible, isn't it?

INOMA- but, the cunnilingus songs on our current albums are fantastic. However, next time we'll write some even better songs about it!

ONOCHIN - it's not yet time to talk about the next album!

INOMA- ok, ok. Next album is not yet 'in season.'

CHERRYTIME - but, is the theme of your 3-cd set really cunnilingus?!? People will think that you don't do penetration anymore.

INOMA- In that case, we will leave only a faint trace (a faint whiff) of that song behind on the finished album.

CHERRYTIME - what are you talking about?!? A faint whiff of a song? Stop lying.

INOMA - it's not a lie! Each of the 3 discs has its own smell included. White-girl smell, black-girl smell and japanese-girl smell. During playback, the pussy odors can be detected.

ONOCHIN - Sony's new invention.

CHERRYTIME - ha ha ha.

ONOCHIN - but, no really, smell is important. One often remembers an old girlfriend's smells.

INOMA- yeah! Like, you are walking down the street and say to yourself, "Ah! That smell! My first love!" and you turn your head and there is a old-fart grandmother standing there and you are like "what the fuck."

ONOCHIN - "old fart?" you mean, an anal odor?

INOMA- People don't walk around the street smelling of anal sex!

ONOCHIN - but if you love someone you are going to love all their odors.

INOMA- I believe there is a phrase : "once you go black, you can't go back." Smell is a weapon. Isn't that why we put the strong odors into our new albums? A thick and viscous odor. But nowadays the young people are hiding their smells. It's not good. As for Mr. Onochin, when you go to the studio. . .

ONOCHIN - . . . it's a stench!!!

INOMA- because your whole house is reeking!

ONOCHIN - yes, yes. Because at home I'm always playing guitar, so it's funky in there.

CHERRYTIME - um. It's about time for the smell portion to be over, isn't it?

INOMA- ok, ok. This album is our major label debut.

ONOCHIN - (mystified) we did what, now?

INOMA- Yes, yes. Think about it - all our previous releases have been split CDs or collaborations.

ONOCHIN - Is that right? Let me remember. . .

INOMA- Yeah, yeah. I'm amazing. I arranged the solo debut all myself.

CHERRYTIME- hahahah!

INOMA- um, well. . . I helped to arrange it anyway.

ONOCHIN - Waitaminute - releasing 3 discs at once like this. . . that's what one calls triple-penetration. Yeah. A feeling of maximum pleasure.

GANGAN -- we haven't recorded a full album in a year and four months.

INOMA- yeah, just as I thought! But, when we put out the new one, hella complainers are going to come out of the woodwork, I think.

ONOCHIN - yup.

INOMA- like, 'oh your first CD was better,' all kinds of yin-yang. So we have to say all the complaints before they do!!

ONOCHIN - me too! Let's complain abundantly!!

INOMA- hey, wait a minute. . . .

ONOCHIN - hahahaha, he wants to do it all himself. . .

INOMA- but, but, think about it. Bands like ANARCHY or THE ROCK BAND started out ok but wound up getting even better over time.

ONOCHIN - that's right. But generally bands can't surpass the first single. One-hit wonders. So therefore, it's like your biggest rival is your own self!

INOMA- anyway, we started this band 4 years ago?

GANGAN - 5

INOMA- five?

ONOCHIN - already five years? Fuck it, time to quit.

INOMA- nononono. Yesterday, we did a live show at LAMAMA, right? But the whole time the sound guy was saying, wow, I can't belive you got good at playing bass.

ONOCHIN - uh-oh!

INOMA- yeah, I'm 37 and my bass playing is just getting good now? I'm in trouble.

ONOCHIN - you're still a growing child.

INOMA- does that mean that my foreskin disease will finally get cured too?

ONOCHIN - (sexy mom voice) what a growing boy! Bigger and bigger!

INOMA- yup . I'll be one of those hella gangly adolescents.

ONOCHIN - heh heh. Next year you'll sprout.

INOMA- hells yeah. Like one of those kids that grows 10cm over summer vacation.

ONOCHIN - this time next year you'll be 180cm.

INOMA- but, I want to be 10 cm shorter!

ONOCHIN - what?!?

INOMA- for some reason tiny is just cooler. Scurrying about. All scampering. Go ahead and laugh.

CHERRYTIME _ going to be a dwarf, then?

ONOCHIN - inoma, how tall are you now?

INOMA- 154cm.

ONOCHIN - um . . . I don't want you to shrink.

INOMA- it'll be cool though. But if one gets too small, there are a lot of logistical problems and discrimination to overcome. I'd settle for looking like (comedy team) 99's Okamura, he's an ideal little shrimp. Hell yeah. I'd be so fucking maneuverable.

ONOCHIN - !!!

INOMA- it's all about body remodeling! Our band's theme for this year.

CHERRYTIME - while you're at it you should lose some weight.

INOMA- shut up! Recently on our band's BBS, people are writing all kinds of terrible things like that. 'you're getting fat, you're getting bald' and like that.

ONOCHIN - awful, awful.

INOMA- for real. I'm 37 yo! From now on I'll make it my mission to get more and more ugly every damn year.

CHERRYTIME - what kind of declaration is that?

INOMA- but, when to really uglify? Probably when I hit 50, I'll get serious about degenerating.

ONOCHIN - yup. If you live that long.

INOMA - good point. /. I'll have to degenerate slowly and moderately.

ONOCHIN - as for me, I want to absolutely lose my mind as I get older. All walking around Shimokitazawa in hot pants going "fuuuu! Fuuuu!!!"

INOMA- oh shit, it sounds like Freddy Kreuger!

CHERRYTIME -- aieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

ONOCHIN - shit,, let's all go and get some hotpants right now. Walk around all winter with hot pants and a tank top.

INOMA- I see those old guys, all excercising in the middle of winter with their tank tops.

CHERRYTIME - dude, one can see those old guys everywhere!!

ONOCHIN - I don't think I could keep up with them.

INOMA-ok, onochin wants to be the crazy old man, I want to be a maneuverable 150cm, gangan, what do YOU want to be?

GANGAN - I want to be 70 kilos.

CHERRYTIME - incedentally how much do you weigh now?

GANGAN -80

CHERRYTIME - so we're talking about a diet here.

INOMA- what a dreary thought! You should defend and protect your chubby style!

ONOCHIN - I want mr. Gangan to get even huger!

INOMA- me too!

ONOCHIN - like, 3 meters wide!

INOMA- ahahaha. . . 3 meters yo! If I can go down to 140cm, you can get up to 3 meters.

CHERRYTIME - what? That's even shorter than last time!

INOMA- yeeeessssssssss. Fuck it, I'll cut my feet off. That should get rid of 20cm right there.

ONOCHIN - oy.

CHERRYTIME - was the recording really difficult?

ONOCHIN - actually recording hella albums at once is becoming a habit with us. I wanna do it again. 7 CDs at once.

INOMA- specifically 7? You have been thinking about this, haven't you?

ONOCHIN - let's get on with it!!

CHERRYTIME - you're really full of ambition there.

ONOCHIN - it's terrifying how accustomed I've become to recording many cds at once.

CHERRYTIME - it's a crisis. . . You should start right away or you'll be late!

ONOCHIN - that's right! Maybe we can't. .. .

INOMA- but it's important to have that drive, that ambition.

CHERRYTIME - especially at a time like this.

INOMA- my thinking has changed. . . I could never go back to doing just one at a time. every wack band is putting out one album a year. It is immensely impossible for us to go out like that!

ONOCHIN - If we try, we can do it!

CHERRYTIME - gangan, how about you?

GANGAN- it was a good experience for me.

INOMA- for real, a good experience.

GANGAN- we've already taken steps towards the next album.

INOMA- maybe a normal person thinks that 3 at a time is impossible. But if you think something's impossible then it becomes impossible because you gave up. It's a self-fullfilling phrophecy; closing yourself off like that.

ONOCHIN - aah. Yes.

INOMA- so,in particular, it is not impossible to excavate the anal of a black person. Nor is it impossible to fuck a homeless old lady. Anything is possible!

ONOCHIN - yes, anything! You are amazing!

INOMA- yes! I kind of showed my true colors there for a moment.

CHERRYTIME- yeah, you were almost sincere for a second.

INOMA- hey, I think gangan said it best when he said, "I just did Number Two, so it's time to go." (literal translation is like, "an NG slipped out". Japanese use NG (no good) as the opposite equivalent of OK. Like, "is it OK or NG?" but in this case he's talking like a little kid using a euphemism for poopy.)

ONOCHIN - that was ALSO a good experience for me.

CHERRYTIME- yeah, how was it the first time you used an adult diaper?

GANGAN - I got so exhausted.

CHERRYTIME- aah!! What did you say??? It's exhausting to wear a diaper?!?

GANGAN - yeah, exactly, but. We did 3 cds at once this time, so now people are going to expect us to do 4 next time. They'll be so jaded.

INOMA- fuck 'em. We'll do 5!!!

CHERRYTIME- what kind of contest is this? A making-a-lot-of-cds-at-once-competition?

ONOCHIN - hehehehhhh. . . . yeah. A making-a-lot-of-cds-at-once competition!

INOMA- hells yeah! With absolutely no connection to quality!!!

CHERRYTIME- . . .

INOMA- we have no confidence in our quality, but a lot of confidence in our ability to crank out hella discs. If I say I'll do 10 albums, I'll fucking do 10 albums!

CHERRYTIME- by simple mathematics we can estimate that this would be around 100 songs.

INOMA- but, really, I enjoyed the recording 3 at once. Recently I enjoy the studio work even more than live shows. I'm an otaku now. A hikikomori (agorophobic). I never want to meet another human!

ONOCHIN - me too! Live shows are over!

INOMA- I can't tolerate to be near people, I'm saying!!

ONOCHIN - yes! the perfect agoroaphobics!

INOMA- well, recoding studio is a good job for an agorophobic! But live shows are outdoors.

ONOCHIN - I don't especially like playing outdoors.

INOMA- I enjoy lives wherever we play!

ONOCHIN - but no matter wherever we play, the audience is less than 20 years old.

INOMA- that's right, heh heh heh. . . Onochin, can you get along with someone that young?

ONOCHIN - me? No problem. But, if I go to Sugamo (retired people's city) it's more comfortable!

CHERRYTIME - . um. Ooh-kaaayyy. Anyway, how was the recording?

ONOCHIN - we worked on it every day and now it is done.

CHERRYTIME - while recording, did you start any new trends?

INOMA- we didn't start any trends

ONOCHIN - we are innocent!! We didn't do nothing! Heh heh.

INOMA- nowadays we're a collection of old farts in their 40s.

ONOCHIN - all exhausted.

INOMA- generally drinking every night.

ONOCHIN - grumbling into our drinks bitterly.

INOMA- grumbling about our old-man jobs.

CHERRYTIME - you guys are 9 to 5ers?

ONOCHIN - (old man voice) gotta pay the mortgage!

INOMA- gotta pay for the damn kids' education! It's rough.

CHERRYTIME - gotta pay into the pension fund.

INOMA- I'm not paying for no pension!!!

ONOCHIN - quit fooling around. If you have a crisis, you'll die!

INOMA- Mr. Onochin is so special. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. . .

CHERRYTIME - that's how you are living?

INOMA- he don't pay tax either.

ONOCHIN - come to think of it, I don't. maybe just the masturbation tax.

INOMA- say it like, "mastax." it sounds cooler.

CHERRYTIME - no, "taxturbation" is cooler.

ONOCHIN - speaking of "masturbation tax," I am paying so frequently that I worry if I can afford it.

INOMA- anyway, mr. Onochin, about this masturbation of yours, how do you do it? Do you use DVDs and videos like me?

ONOCHIN - well, yup. I use a video of (famously manly Judo champion) yawarachan's wedding.

INOMA- oh, puke!

ONOCHIN - that's the shit, though. But then again, I have a wide imagination.

CHERRYTIME - how about real life? it's easier to get with an ugly lady than a usual movie-star-looking girl, right?

ONOCHIN - yup. But I haven't done it with Yawarachan yet in reality.

INOMA- he's jealous of her husband!

ONOCHIN - it's all about triple penetration. Me and her husband and her. Do you think I should confess my love to her?

INOMA- for christ's sake don't do it!

CHERRYTIME- he's gonna do it, isn't he?

ONOCHIN - probably.

CHERRYTIME - you used to like (famous idol cute singer) Hiki, didn't you? Already tired of her, eh? But at any rate they are both married already.


ONOCHIN - yeah, in the final analysis they are both wives! But other-people's- wife-sex is also a thing.

(gangan just left the room)

INOMA- gangan's masturbation technique is sure wild, isn't it?

ONOCHIN - all yelling and stuff.

INOMA- no, no, he's incredibly tender with himself. I don't know if he can even touch it or not. All cuddling himself and whispering.

ONOCHIN - oh yeah. Definitely all rustling and bustling.

INOMA- do you think it feels good for him?

ONOCHIN - it must be good!

INOMA- he's clearly masturbating like a serious otaku. All in the bathtub, going at it from weird angles with the showerhead, I think.

ONOCHIN - you're right about that.

INOMA- he can get his rinse on.

ONOCHIN - you think he rinses it off?

INOMA- now that you mention it, no.

ONOCHIN - he only uses the soap for onanie!

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