I’m going to Sochi, to give Putin a trophy
The crowd is all saluting for the way that he blows me
Homie sucks like a Flowbee , calluses is on both knees
He’s grody he’s lonely , wants to show me his goatse
Judges gave him a 9 – The deepest throat of the winter
But deducted one point, because my man is a spitter
“Don’t cum in my pot (russian for mouth)” is what he always said
So I gave him an “instant Gorbachyev”
She was Head of state but still couldn’t get a date
Then she had the bright idea to repress the gays
All the competition was locked in a cell
Now Miss Vladimir has all the cock to herself
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
(we don’t love them tricks!)
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
(talking about my penis!)
she wants to see What is lurkin’ all up under my merkin
Don’ t got a pussy riot but I got a boner disturbance
I unholster the serpent ,she grab a hold and start jerkin
Putin’s moaning and flirtin -bitch bend over and start twerkin
I put a whole lot of work i, now I’m hosin I’m squirtin
I’m wreckin that rectum; reckon it’s over its curtains
Now will you go put a shirt on? Better go see a surgeon
’cause that aperture looks like it’s totally hurtin
Putin said “Nyet,” Drank the load and kept slurping
I was nuttin and bussin so hard she got a concussion
she drank it all up, just like a White Russian
Olympics is nothing, but graft and corruption
50 billion in taxes For roads that don’t function
Hotel over the budget, but still under construction
where’d the money go, I don’t know, Go ask Snowden or something!
The commode isn’t flushing, the ceremony disgusting:
Just a unicycle bear eating moldy old Funnyuns
Meanwhile people so bumming , they’re selling manhole for cash
That’s not a gay joke, They sell the covers for scrap
Just to feed all their children, cause their taxes was tapped
By the evilest villains ,they’re stealing them billions
And they’re building new prisons For the gays and the Chechens
For athletes that is protesting Journalists who ask questions
Want to do to them What you did to Circassians!
Distractin’ attention onto stranger s and scapegoats so
embracin the church and blame it all on the rainbow
Now gay bashin is in fashion with the national pride
While you’re robbing them blind and slashing their rights
Cameras in the pipes, there’s spies in the showers
Surveiling the boners, just in case one is homo
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
you’re an anti-gay bigot , just because you aint felt my dick yet.
Cold getting indignant, because your manhood is a figment
You got a scandalous pickle, far from a hammer and sickle
Hung like the smallest matroshka With one damaged testicle.
Put away and belay that shit, it’s absurd and and irrational
I’m gay and persuasive, like the third international
Homos you were hating now you’re connecting my dong to lips
Get busy like Tatlin, and start erecting my monument.
I was pumping like Gazprom I’m hung like a mastodon .
With a latex bra and some colorful Pampers on
He played my dick and balls like a triathalon
I gave him a medal for choad guzzling brain work
He got the silver I got the gold cause I came first.
Then snuck with his blue bucket his ducats and his vodka
Dosvidanya, don’t say I didn’t warn ya
There’s a chance of crabs or perhaps a rash on your pee-pee
just spray it with Febreeze, thanks for the meat sleeve.
By the way I’m havin’ this Yacov Smirnov CD.
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
Something he said to me one day, something he said to me . .. !
“I practice butthole surfing every day, I’ma win it!”
“But Vladimir, that’s not even in the Olympics!”
Man fuck them old limp-dicks, The sponsors is pimping
The athletes is whoring while The contractor’s grifting
Meanwhile the IOC, profits from the bribery
Just for saying that, the FSB uhhhh they opened a file on me
Plus they got Rule 50, shut you up in a jiffy
You can get black-listed if you raise a black fist up
Plus your medals get ripped up, politics is forbidden
That’s why nobody’s cheering when their country is winning.
The whole façade is Potemkin Just a cog in the system
So ignore the gay-bashing Just say your sponsor’s terrific
But if you try to address it You might get arrested
Free speech is for hooligans And gays all molest kids
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
Pass the Johnson quit hoggin it , Face first like tobogganist
She suck like an octopus ,on the root like a botanist
every body in Moscow is , stretching out that esophagous
speed this line up, it’s getting monotonous
hosing disposing and deep throating a lotta jizz
two gallons o cum ! just like 2001,
you want that big black monolith, right where your tonsils is
the breakfast of champions word to Kurt Vonnegut
keep it Kandinsky, yo you’re keeping it Communist
you want that Red Wedge all up in your naughty bits
so deep that it hurts you Deeper still it converts you
Now you’re trickin in red square In a wig and a girdle
Vladimir had a rear that was queer and so versatile
It was reversible, more tricks than a circus do
he knows I’m an ass-man, so he’s wearing those chap-pants,
in the club for a lap-dance, get more butts than an ash-can
Caught on the dash-cam giving head in a Lada
Called it Vlad TV, now it’s a headline on Pravda
And it ain’t kompromat, it’s more of a compliment
5 kopeks a load: She’s the Moscow Laundromat,
Pay me the rubles, and you can pound that ass Round town her
name is The Louge because she go down so fast
And it aint cool runnings More like Dudes Cumming
Cus when Putin’s in effect yo you can wreck it for nothing
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK4 comments
Recently, there’s been a lot of hand-wringing about how the media makes everybody polarized, gets everyone riled up and ready to have a heart attack, treats politics like some retarded sports event, stirs up controversy out of little things while ignoring huge systemic problems which affect ALL Americans, regardless of party affiliation, breeds paranoia, fear-mongering, and hysterical hype.
I think those accusations are really unfair.
The media has, all along, been doing their best to CALM EVERYONE THE FUCK DOWN, and make us all MELLOW AND UPBEAT. The problem is the fucking VIEWERS. The whole time, we’ve been watching THE WRONG CHANNELS. THAT’s why people are so angry and fearful and unable to cooperate.
See, what I figured out is, the whole time liberals were supposed to watch FOX. It’s not a conservative network, it’s a liberal network with really poor self-awareness. If a liberal watches Fox an hour a day, they’ll say:
“Gee whiz! America is turning into a socialist paradise where the rich are punished for success? Athiests run the government? The eco-fascist EPA is still allowed to ban job-creating toxic waste, while Minorities control who gets to vote? Jackbooted Government thugs are seizing our Christmas trees and giving them to Rappers? The UN is coming to take away all the guns AND Oakleys? Feminiazis destroyed the career of yet another athlete, while the Politically Correct Police are forcing school-kids to read Emma Goldman-Angela Davis slash fiction with my tax dollars? Illegal immigrants getting gay married to abortions is not only legal but mandatory in 57 states? The President is a wimp who won’t fight in Syria or Iran? Fuck yeah, kid! Finally an America I can be proud of! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!”
Likewise, all along the conservatives should have been watching Rachel Maddow and Amy Goodman :
“Holy cow! The NRA can overrule policies that 90% of Americans support! The Republicans can filibuster un-controversial non-partisan bills in order to extort Democrats ! Tiny Southern states with 1/70th the population of big Democratic states still get just as many votes in the Senate! Wall Street guys can buy, trade, and sell politicians and regulators like so many Magic the Gathering cards! There’s a war on women, cops kill minorities for no reason, and the President is actually to the right of Bush on national security, corporate bailouts, and secrecy! Golly, I had no idea the American Dream was so alive and well! I take back all the Obama-slash-Joker-slash-Hitler posters I ever made! U-S-A! U-S-A! ”
See, all along the media was trying to bring us together in a spirit of optimism and relaxation, but we were just too stupid to see it.
Here is an amazing thing about History: For all of recorded history, generals had to win wars. Wild! It didn’t matter if you were fighting for a “good guy” (Chirchill, Caesar) or a “bad guy” – Stalin, Ghenghis Khan. . . if you lost the war, or even if you catastrophically fucked up a battle, you were ASS OUT. Monarchists, fascists, communists, no-ideology-havin’-ass banana-republic dictators all agree on one thing: generals should know how to win.
Fast-forward to America, after WWII. The sole remaining superpower after Russia said “fuck it.” The biggest military in the world, no other super-powers in sight, yet, check our track record:
Grenada: won, but what the fuck. Even getting in a fight with grenada makes us seem weak. It’s like if Jay-Z had to answer-rap every Youtube rapper who dissed him.
Panama: That wasn’t even a war – that was just us setting the Guiness World record for “Largest-scale Drug Deal Gone Wrong.”
Iraq: we actually won that one in the ‘90s, but inexplicably decided on a do-over, (When was the last time that the WINNER demanded a do-over?!? ) Which we proceeded to lose. I mean, if China is getting the oil, we lost, right?
So, to sum up: despite the huge increase in our arms spending, we haven’t unambiguously won a single major war since WWII.
And yet: HOW MANY GENERALS HAVE BEEN FIRED? Sure, if you stick your penis into a reporter, your ass is grass, but FIRED FOR FAILING TO WIN? That’s way too uptight, man. Mellow out!
Not only are we failing to fire generals, we are making more generals! The generals-to-privates ratio today is FIVE TIMES what it was at the end of WWII.
And our pentagon budget has never been bigger.
So, the amazing thing about History: for the first time in ever, we are REWARDING GENERALS FOR FAILURE.
It gets weirder!
The major lesson we seemed to have learned from Vietnam and Korea was not “here is how to win” or even “here is how to not get your ass kicked by people so poor their shoes are made of cut-up car tires”, the major lesson seems to be: HERE IS HOW TO STRUCTURE THE MISSION SO THAT NO ONE INCLUDING THE GENERALS HAS ANY IDEA OF WHAT WINNING OR LOSING MIGHT EVEN LOOK LIKE.
All of our recent, post 9/11 wars have been more and more vague:
Iraq, as I mentioned before, was pretty clearly a loss from Saddam’s perspective. But – unlike our occupations of West Germany and Japan - we left the country in much worse shape, they fucking hate us, and we were so desperate to get out of there that we had Iran pre-approve our puppet leader, just to make sure he’d last more than a week. But was that a failure? Hard to say, but only because THE ARMY NEVER HAD ANY ENDING POINT TO THE MISSION IN THE FIRST PLACE. Because they are dumb? No, because they are SMART: if you don’t have a goal, no one can say you failed!
Afghanistan is like that but worse – it’s not so much that we’re failing, as it is we have no idea what success IS. Ask a dozen civilian or military leaders and receive a dozen different answers! The people sending our kids off to fight are whimsically throwing out random endgames as if they were Willy Wonka: defeating the Taliban? re-making Afghanistan as a democratic country with a new political system? re-making Afghanistan’s culture into some secular, feminist, non-violent, revenge-hating, gay-porn-Disneyland-and-macdonald’s-loving utopia? Killing the bad guys, plus enough innocent civilians to generate an equal amount of new bad guys, forever? Take your pick! The only real common point of these non-answers is: IT DOESN’T MATTER.
And of course the war on Terror is the most vague of all : a world-wide, on-purpose-endless, struggle against a fucking IDEA. A battle where Americans are targets, where even the tactics and weapons are secret.
Now maybe you’re saying “The army doesn’t decide what the goals of a war is, you stupid hippy! The civilian leaders do! Learn basic facts before you start having an opinion!”
Yes, civilians ARE to blame – but not the ones you’re thinking of.
Here’s where I blow your mind: These unprecedented trends (rewarding failure, endless-and-unwinnable-missions) . . .are not IN SPITE OF us having the biggest military in the world, they’re BECAUSE OF that very thing.
I’m talking about the fuckin’ Military-Industrial Complex! How do you THINK we got the biggest army? It’s because we have the biggest, richest, most influential arms-manufacturing companies on the planet : The arms manufacturers, who have generals, senators, and cabinet secretaries all begging for their contributions/ post-retirement lobbying jobs.
Our soldiers definitely want to win (or at least survive), and the enemy definitely wants to win (or at least get us to leave). . . the only fucking people involved in the whole war who can afford to have a “MEH” attitude are . . . the arms manufacturers!
Because they make money whether we’re winning OR losing: if we’re winning, that means that their weapons are The Best, so everyone in the world will want to buy more of those weapons. If we’re losing, that means that Our Boys Are In Trouble, so the army had better order more munitions to help ‘em out!
I think the recent trend in no-end-in-sight vague-ass missions is directly related to the growth of the defense industry’s lobbying power. The defense companies don’t just make the bombs and shit, they are influencing whether and HOW we go to war: the more vague the mission, the longer we can drag it out, the more money we spend.
Ever since Eisenhower gave his famous speech, people have been aware that arms merchants push us to start wars, but for the first time it’s to the point where they push us to on-purpose STALEMATES, where they push for nebulous missions where there is no winning OR losing, just endless fighting! In a perfect war economy, we create exactly one terrorist for each one we kill, resulting in a steady and predictable quarterly earnings report for the share-holders.
Thought experiment: imagine a country in a life-or-death fight for survival. You’d expect them to really punish generals that consistently lose battles, or fight to a draw. But imagine a country run by arms merchants, and you’d expect them to have a much more laid-back, “Meh?” attitude towards military competence. Which scenario better describes modern-day America?
And it’s no coincidence that these new-school, funny-style wars (all 3 of them) had their open-ended, never-ending, and world-record-in-history-setting-ly vague strategies developed by Rumsfeld and Cheney, who both profited from the international arms business prior to working in government. (and after, too, in Cheney’s case)
Rumsfeld never worked in the arms industry but – as secretary of defense, he held enough stock In arms companies that it was a scandal and he had to sell the stock. Also he was chairman of a think-tank called “Rand Corporation”, which according to Wikipedia was founded by Douglas Aircraft, (later becoming Maconnell Douglas), a major major huge defense contractor. So there’s that.
And of course Cheney. The guy who continued to get fucking “deferred compensation” from arms manufacturers even while in office. The guy whose fucking WIFE sold warplanes and bombers (while criticizing rappers for violent lyrics). She also had to quit her arms-dealing when he became VP (to avoid conflict of interest). But luckily, she had ANOTHER job offer in 2002 – being on the board of the American Enterprise Institute, which *surprise!* pushed hard for the Iraq war, which made a shit-ton of money for her former employers. So! Having a JOB at Locheed while your husband decides whether or not to go to war: conflict! Having a job at a THINK TANK which is chock full of OTHER retired defense contractors, where you cheerlead for war, while your husband decides whether or not to go to war: NOT conflict of interest. No corruption at all! And THAT’S why we never went to war in Iraq. Because that would have been a disaster!
Also it’s no coincidence that we get no-end-in-sight wars soon after we lost the Russian threat: I know I’m not the first to say the Russian threat was exaggerated in order to boost profits – I’m saying that the Cold War was profitable in exactly the same WAY that the War on Terror is: it had NO exit strategy, and a HUGE amount of “Just in case” spending, . . . a reliable year-in-year-out source of income. (“Just in case” spending would be like, Star Wars SDI, or all those nukes . . .or in today’s case, all the what-if-terrorists-bomb-a-small-town-in-Nebraska Homeland Security spending. As opposed to, say, old-style wars like WWII or Korea. There was no “just in case” – those were full-on fucking wars , we were struggling just to keep up with demand for materiel).
I’m not going to suggest that there was some Illuminati-style secret meeting with tented fingers and hisses of, “Exxxxxxxcellent!”
I’m just saying that arms manufacturers can INFLUENCE the way we fight wars even if they don’t do it ON PURPOSE. Check it out: a) everyone involved in planning strategy and exit strategies for conflicts – the army generals and civilian leaders – are beholden to these companies, b) this leads to a lot of excess spending, as the corporations use their political/military influence to bribe generals/legislators and c) because of excess military spending, America has the LUXURY of getting in random wars-of-choice for decades on end. That was never an OPTION before, for ANY country.
Picture the civilian leaders giving generals such open-ended vague missions 50 years ago! That would not have even occurred to anybody! because back then it was still like, “if you don’t have an unambiguous victory, your ass is grass.” Even back when we were being imperialists in Latin America, we still demanded clear-cut missions ,and success at those missions. “Overthrow that democratically-elected Presidente so Coca-Cola and United Bananas Inc. can stay in business!” “Yes sir President sir!”
But nowadays, punishing failure is bad for business because it a) requires a clearly-defined strategy with clear goals, and b) if a general wants to succeed, he will want to get the war over as soon as possible, meaning less spending on war materiel.
So, how fucking weird is that? Not just corrupt or violent, but totally history-defying.
1 Metallica – kill em all
2 Slayer – reign in blood
3 Blind illusion – sane asylum
4 Slayer – show no mercy
5 Metallica – and justice
6 Destruction – Infernal overkill
7 Slayer – haunting the chapel
8 Metallica – master of puppets
9 Vio-lence – oppressing the masses
10 Exodus – bonded by blood
11 Excel – split image
12 Crumbsuckers – beast on my back
13 Possessed – seven churches
14 Toxik – think this
15 Mekong delta – st/
Coroner mental vortex (tie)1 comment
Today’s phrase is SUPPLY CHAIN. That’s the chain of all the companies involved in turning a raw material into a finished product you buy in the store. For instance, with a T-shirt, the chain starts with the cotton grower, then the next company in the chain is the factory that turns cotton into yarn, then another outfit that weaves the yarn into fabric, then a business that sews the fabric into shirts, and maybe still another joint where it’s silkscreened or colored, then finally to the store. Plus, you know, all the boats and trucks and forklifts and warehouses needed to make it all happen.
SUPPLY CHAIN. And for any given supply chain, there’s always one company that is making all the profits, and all the other companies are just barely getting by. But here’s the problem: the fat-cat, the exploiter, is at a different point in the chain in every industry. You can’t guess who it is.
We need a branch of Economics that looks at everyday products, and every point in the supply chain for those products. We need economic DETECTIVES to tell us WHICH business in any given supply chain is putting the squeeze on, and HOW they do it.
Because, absent such a corps of economic detectives, every business in the chain is going to claim, “WE know prices are too high, and our wages are too low, and the factory is about to burst into flames, but we have SUCH A SMALL MARGIN it is SO HARD, really the culprits are FURTHER UP THE SUPPLY CHAIN not us!!”
So if the science of economics was really about helping people and making society more efficient. . . .you’d think a top priority for economists would be to fucking weed through the bullshit and expose where in the supply chain the fucking squeeze and fat profits REALLY ARE. And expose HOW they do it – by monopoly? By government interference and over-regulation? By with-holding supply? By over-producing supply? By criminal conspiracy? There’s probably as many ways of bottlenecking a supply chain as there are supply chains.
And I mean do this for EVERYTHING. Cars, shoelaces, Frisbees, corn syrup, dildos, thumb drives, Viewmasters, Enya CDs, fucking EVERYTHING. For every product. That would keep economists busy for like 100 years, dude. Not only will it help consumers and laborers, but it would also keep the economists out of trouble. They’d have no time to gin up new fig leafs for the fucking oligarchy. No time to make modern-day social-darwinist theories of how rich people are awesome and got there fair and square. No time to research how to make Wall Street derivatives “safer” and “faster” and “more innovative”. No time to lobby congress or the Fed to deregulate more.
But I digress.
Plus I would be genuinely interested to see if, once you started getting comprehensive results from 1000 or so supply chains , from t-shirts to blenders to computer chips to asprin to stuffed animals to software. . . . I would be interested to see if there were any common points to where the squeeze is. Like any generalizations that could be made?
But that would require economics to actually be a science in pursuit of truth. Hey! I’ve just wasted my time AND yours!1 comment
OLD PEOPLE UNDER A BUS
If you’re an American, ever since you were a little kid you’ve heard the phrases “political suicide” and “the old people” side by side. Anytime you’d ask why the politicians don’t do some obviously sensible helpful thing, people would tell you, “it’s political suicide! Because of the old people!” Legalizing pot? Old people say no. skateboarding in public? Old people say no! Immigration rights and affirmative action and gay rights? Political suicide! Old people say no! More tax for schools? Old people say no! Their kids are already grown, and the new kids are the wrong color! The only things they say “yes” to are: old-ass politicians like Reagan and Bush Sr. and insane anti-tax laws like Proposition 13 (AKA The Law So Retarded It Broke California For Thirty Damn Years).
In other words, The Olds are Republicans. And now the Republicans have thrown the Olds under the bus! Social security and medicare? We need to get rid of those, so we can pay back China for all the money we used to bail out bankers! Don’t worry though – we’re PRIVATIZING social security! You can use that money to gamble on the stock market with the Wall Street Bank of your choice . . . after all, SOMEONE’S got to get fucked in the next boom/bust cycle.
Now I’ll really be sorry when I need social security/medicare and it’s not longer there. . . which isn’t that long from now. . . but yo. Until I turn 64, I’ll laugh my ass off at these spittle-flecked hateful elders that voted in all the most heartless bastards, year after year after year, and finally they wake up one day and find that the heartless bastards are throwing them under the bus:
Here is every politician who ever took a dime from a TBTF bank: “Thanks for all the votes, you wrinkle-body hate-sacs! Hey by the way, as long as you hate leeches and takers, let’s cut you off your pensions. Didn’t you know? Those are “entitlements” now. Hey, Greatest Generation, multi-pruple-heart Iwo Jima guy! You’re the new welfare queens! Did you know that? Can you even hear me with your giant, antiquated UNIVAC-era hearing aids? Yeah, yeah, it’s political suicide for me to cut you off your entitlements. Maybe it is. . . IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO VOTE AGAIN! Which, since we’re also going to cut your health-care, you won’t! and even if you somehow show up, our strict new voter ID laws will disqualify half of you!”
“But I thought you were just going to mess with the minorities, the gays, the immigrants, the returning veterans, the kids, the dopers, the poors, and the United Nations! BUT ME? YOU’RE MESSING WITH ME? HOW COULD I HAVE FORSEEN THAT?!”
It’s like all those gangsta rappers who complain that their drug-lord-run record label cheated them out of money: “Murder Violence Entertainment! How COULD you?!?” “Oh, Death Sentence For Serial Decapitation Records, who would have thought that your accounting practices were less than rigorous! THE GAME IS FUCKED UP MAN!! *sniffles into ketchief*”
This is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise fascist and depressing race-to-the-bottom era. All these years we were told “it’s political suicide to cross the olds!” Well, now because of politics, the olds are gonna commit suicide! Here’s why: they are already feeble, afraid of change, their brains full of mildew and talk-radio. . . and now their whole world has just been turned inside-out!
“Hey, buddy: the party you’ve been loyal to for decades, the party that pumped you full of fear and hate and anger the same way your IV pumps you full of saline, they’re the ones screwing you, and the evil muslim-commie Demoncrats are the only ones who still want to keep your entitlements.”
(Although to be fair, Obama has publicly stated that he is willing to help the Republicans destroy them!).
I think there should be a whole Youtube channel just devoted solely to close-ups of the faces of old people who are trying to process the information.
Instant strokes. Hip joints spontaneously popping out of sockets. Dentures flying across the room and embedding themselves inside O’reilly’s face on TV.
Fuck that, there should be a pill!
A special pill designed to help their mind and body withstand the complete reversal of their reality. Something that will keep their heart rate normal, and possibly a little LSD to help the reality-shift go down easier. I swear, if you want to be a billionaire (pretty much the only way for YOU to survive old age without any “entitlements”), the fastest way is to invent that pill, or invest all your $$$ in the first company that DOES. Because that pill will literally be a life-and-death necessity for an entire generation. Invest now in R&D before the next election! And hope to god they develop it before the politicians also cut medicare.