Tokyo Damage Report

Placebo Headshrinkers

Has anyone done a placebo-style style of the effectiveness of psychology?

Like, get 100 people with minor problems (the kinds of problems affluent people routinely go to shrinks for), and divide them into 2 groups of 50.  Half go to a certified therapist of the “just listen and nod” school of therapy, whatever the fuck they call that style.

The other half go see Dave, who (unknown to them) works at the local gas station, but is wearing Rick Perry glasses and has been coached on how to not react to stuff, and how to nod in a subtle knowing way.

After 4 years of therapy, do one group of patients report more progress? Or is it about the same?

As long as we’re requiring shrinks to get certified anyway, shouldn’t they have to pass this kind of test in order to get a license? In fact, now that we know that’s potentially an option, shouldn’t that be the FIRST thing the licensing board tests for? OK maybe not 4 years, but more than, say, none?

 

 

 

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Funeral Instructions

 

First, this should cost the minimum possible. Ideally, the funeral industry should get zero cents.

The mom-and-pops got taken over by corporate death-mongers long ago.

If you can persuade the county to put me in a refrigerator box and dump me in an unmarked grave for under $25, go for it. Show them this legal document if it helps:

“I, Schultzzz, being of sound mind and not a fucking idiot who loves forcing his grieving family to waste money on bullshit, do solemnly swear, “fuck a funeral.””

If you’re required by law to have a funeral, the priest should only be allowed to read 2 things, while looking the funeral director right in the eye:

1)    An excerpt from the book, ‘THE AMERICAN WAY OF DEATH’, detailing the financial corruption and psychological manipulation of the entire funeral industry, and

2)    A list of all my enemies who I managed to outlive during my life span. After every name, the mourners can reverently say, “rest in PISS”. (list, as of 8/20/2017 attached, signed in triplicate, and notarized by the County Examiner)

 

If you can’t find any priest willing to do this, even for a whole $25, it proves that all religion has been corrupted beyond recognition.

Which leaves you, as the executor, no choice but plan B; THE SATANIC OPTION!

1              Take my ashes home in an urn

2              Put the urn in the middle of a pentagram burned in the lawn with lighter fluid

3              Rent a giant PA, and crank the first two Slayer albums on repeat forever

4              The PA volume should be at such a level that guests have to leave the yard and go into the middle of the street, if they want to converse

5              The funeral doesn’t end until the cops come

6              During the police raid, a tug-of-war over the urn results in the cops getting 100% of my ashes poured on their face

7              At that point, the DJ finally changes the music from Slayer to Yakkety Sax (a mashup is also acceptable, IF IT’S DONE IN GOOD TASTE)

 

 

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‘unity’ is gaslighting

THE PROBLEM WITH UNITY

·       “I don’t wanna!”

·       “But unity is good”

·       “But your side is wrong though”

·       “Why do you hate unity?”

·       “Well why don’t YOU unite with US then?”

·       “Because you’re being divisive, and we’re pro-unity.”

·       “Wait, what?”

·       etc.

 

Unity debates (i.e. the kind currently raging within the democratic party) never go anywhere; inevitably devolving into a question of,  Unity under whom? Whose unity?

These debates never go anywhere, because the whole concept of ‘unity’ is actually a cynical blend of 2 totally unrelated and even contradictory things:

1) the kind of amoral strength which a movement gains once one faction has been CRUSHED.  So now everyone works together, single-mindedly pursuing the victorious faction’s goals. Call this aspect the ‘Pax Romana’ aspect of unity.

2) cooperation, compromise, tolerance, seeing both sides, etc – call THIS aspect ‘the Warm Fuzzies’.

 

When you hear the word UNITY out of context, just by itself, you probably associate it with the warm fuzzies.

But when you look at specific historical instances where unity was established (running from family disputes over who controls the remote, all the way up to WWII) , what do you find? You KNOW what you’ll find: one side defeated the other, either with votes or force. How many times was unity accomplished by one side saying, “Whoa, you know what? I was wrong, sorry. I happily withdraw my bullshit point.”

 

So why, despite all historical evidence do we still associate ‘unity’ with the warm fuzzies?

 

Because the ‘warm fuzzy unity’ is such a useful concept for cynical leaders, and it only works for THEM when the two concepts are mixed together.

 

Picture that you’re the leader of one faction (this could be anything from family drama, workplace drama, politics, etc).

By talking in terms of ‘unity!’, you can lure the undecided people in the middle to your side, by painting the OTHER side as the divisive, close-minded ones. Which is handy because if you had to argue based on the merits of your position, the people in the middle would very reasonably ask you for some concessions in return for their support.

 

Plus ‘unity’ makes it sound like the verdict has already been decided (by who?) and rather than yelling DO IT OUR WAY OR ELSE, you’re simply trying to implement the verdict for the good of everyone (if the divisive people would just stop wrecking everything!)

 

So, pretty much anytime in your life you’ve heard ‘unity’ coming out the mouth of a leader, it’s been cynical.

 

But if it’s useful to the leaders (on the winning side) to confuse the two concepts, it’s UN-useful to everyone else: because it leads to these go-nowhere circular arguments!

·       “I don’t wanna!”

·       “But unity is good”

·       “But your side is wrong though”

·       “Why do you hate unity?”

·       “Well why don’t YOU unite with US then?”

·       “Because you’re being divisive, and we’re pro-unity.”

·       “Wait, what?”

·       etc.

It’s a derail: merely by framing an issue in terms of ‘unity,’ it shifts the discussion from the actual issues on to a discussion of WHO is being ‘divisive’ and who is being ‘unifying’. So right away you’re not talking about the issue anymore.

Another reason that these arguments never go anywhere: it’s like trying to do a math problem when you’re missing one variable and don’t even know you’re missing it.  The missing variable is POWER. When someone wins, someone else loses. ‘Unity’ is the booby prize that the people in the middle get, instead of concessions, for siding with the leaders of a faction.

 

Of course, a TRULY good leader would work towards a compromise, where both factions give a little.  But through the magic of ‘unity’, simply ending the partisan bickering is now perceived as a concession in itself.  It’s a way to make a ‘zero-sum game’ FEEL warm and fuzzy.

 

Instead of wasting time with circular debates, it makes more sense to devote our energy to finding a better framework to discuss power and compromise. The ‘unity’ framework is not only cynical but it’s not even practical, since it leads to circular debates which never go anywhere.

 

We need  ANOTHER framework for dealing with factional disputes; one which has at least 3 distinct, clear, and independent sliders: power-struggles, warm fuzzies, and whatever the fuck we’re calling the Pax Romana aspect.

What would this framework look like in practice? What kind of great things could be accomplished as a result?

I have no idea, I’m not your Father!

Go fuck yourself, and thanks for reading.

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Russiagate as Dickens’ A Christmas Carol

All presidents have under-the-table meetings and back-channels with both friends and foes alike. Some are good – like diplomacy which leads away from war. Some are bad – like shady financial dealings.  So why is Trump the only president targeted for this? Why, out of all the real bad things he’s definitely done in public, is the single defining controversy of his administration about some shit nobody can show concrete evidence for?

I’m going to try to convince you the reason is liberal psychopathology.

Russiagate has a powerful hold on us because it fulfills not one, not two, but three unspoken psychological motivations. Despite all the bandwidth wasted on Russiagate, nobody’s even talked about any of these motivations. But that doesn’t mean I’m full of shit: I think these motivations are powerful precisely because they’re unspoken.

Just to give this article a ‘hook’, I’ve assigned each of the 3 psychological, unspoken motivations of Russiagate to their own Ghost from Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.

What?

You heard me.

 

Ghost of the past:  Communism! 

Though Russia hasn’t been commie in 20 years, prominent pundits and pols keep referring to it as such. Why? Most people would say the answer is simply, rank stupidity.

Being the voice of tolerance and compassion, I beg to differ! I think it’s merely psycho-pathology.

Russia isn’t commie – but in your MIND, when you hear the word “Russia”, the first image you see is Red Square or the Commie red flag. It’s a SYMBOL of communism, and the subconscious – where we rationalize all our shitty decisions – operates on symbols.

And while Dems don’t literally fear a commie invasion, they ARE terrified of Sanders and the rising American socialist movement in general. Unfortunately, their main defense against socialism is, “Well, that will never happen, capitalism is inevitable, there ARE no other systems, and to believe otherwise is simply childish.”

Having picked this ‘inevitability defense’, they can’t then admit they’re terrified of Sanders-like candidates displacing them from power. They’re kind of painted into a corner.

So they project that fear onto Russia.

 

 

Ghost of the present: REVENGE

Revenge gets to be the present ghost, because the present time might be the only time ever when libs get to finally – after 40 years of being called traitors, faggots, commies, weaklings, cowards, terrorist sympathizers, America-haters – they get to finally turn the tables on the Fox News crowd, and throw those exact insults back in their fat fucking faces.

“AHA! NOW IT IS YOU WHO ARE THE TRAITOR COMMIES AND WE WHO ARE THE TRUE PATRIOTS!  DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YOU, YOU VILE BULLYING FUCKS!??”

Unless you’re my age, you can’t imagine the sheer joy, the tidal-wave momentum, of finally turning the tables on people who have dumped on you for decades, and especially turning the tables using the exact issue they used to beat YOU with.

Never mind that this makes you just as bad as them.

Never mind that this requires cozying up to the CIA, the FBI, the warmongers and conspiracy nuts.

I feel like Chris Rock talking about OJ: I’m not saying libs are all ‘guilty’ of psycho-pathology – I’m saying, I UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAND.

(C’mon, that was a good one)

 

Ghost of the future: GORBACHEV!

It might seem weird to talk about Gorby as ‘the future’, considering he broke up the USSR in, uh, (*consults Wikipedia*) 1991.

But since ‘future’ is the only ghost left, Gorby it is!

Besides, the ‘future’ I’m talking about here is the future of America. (*puts hat over heart and hums the Battle Hymn of the Republic*)

Some think we’re going to return to greatness. Others think Trump’s going to start WW3 even faster than Clinton would have. Personally, I think our most likely outcome will resemble 1990s Russia:

Oligarchs and mafiosos, seeing the end of the empire approaching, buy up all the government infrastructure for pennies. Regular citizens are left without medical care, schools, cops, and other basic things, and life expectancy drops by 10 years.  90s Russia was a once-great power which became a global laughing-stock virtually overnight, this despite still having a shitload of nuclear bombs.

Can you see why this is scary, even to elites who can afford their own schools, cops, etc.?

My argument here is that the elite Dems and MSM people pushing the Russiagate story, deep down inside, they know we’re heading down this exact path. They know this because in many cases they’re the same neoliberal dorks who pushed free-market unregulated capitalism ON Russia in the fucking first place.

They either ARE those people or they GOLF with them.

But since they’re neoliberals, they can’t very well say, “OK, we fucked up Russia’s transition to capitalism – let’s change course before USA also winds up like 90s Russia.” So instead of making neoliberalism go away, they try to make Russia go away (because it reminds them of shit they don’t want to think of)

The ghost of 1990s Gorby/Russia is terrifying because it represents the USA’s future.

Boo!

 

CONCLUSION

Now I’ve made my case, I hope you can see that any one of those motivations is powerful enough to make a nationwide controversy, but all three at the same time? As the kids say, it’s fucking LIT. At THAT point, the question isn’t ‘How is this bullshit still a thing?’, the question is, ‘Why aren’t 100% of liberals falling for this?’

That’s why no amount of calling pundits/pols out for hypocrisy, rumors, paranoia, or outright lies is ever going to change anyone’s mind.  Because Russiagate draws its energy from the irrational and unspoken desires of the liberal subconscious.

I’m writing this because I hope that if these unspoken subconscious motivations of Russiagate are spoken out loud, everyone will see how childish and magical-thinking-ish the motivations are. Only by taking away the psychological motor which is powering the magical thinking can we start addressing the real problems.

Also, Neera is still a scumbag.

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new ebook available!

My new book, MAXIMUM SCENARIOS 2016, is done! A whole year’s worth of rants: Lists, anthropology, satire, skits, politics, metaphysics, and 260,000 words of essays.

Kindle link

Or, if you don’t support Amazon:

Free DL of the MS Word version

 

Just so you have some idea, here’s an excerpt from the table of contents:

 

I. PORN GUY CLAP-BACKS
II. STORES, FICTIONAL
III. DERISIVE NICKNAMES FOR PUNDITS
IV. Sexy etymology exercise #101:
V. CATCH PHRASES
VI. CURRENCY NAMES STILL AVAILABLE
VII. JACK KIRBY MACHINE NAMES
VIII. MARVEL WHAT-IF?!?!?!?!?!?
IX. MORE FAILED MARVEL ISSUE TITLES
X. IT’S ME! (entrance lines)
XI. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MERCH
XII. OUT-OF-CONTEXT SENTENCE FRAGMENTS, EXCERPTED AGAINST THEIR WILL, FROM REVIEWS OF . . . THINGS
XIII. FALSE PUNS, VALTNEINES EDITION
XIV. 6 COMPLAINTS THAT SEX THERAPISTS HEAR ALL THE TIME
XV. ORGANIZATIONS OR JAPANESE CAT SOUNDS WITH SAME FIRST *AND* LAST LETTERS OF ‘N***Z WITH ATTITUDE’
XVI. IF RANDOMLY SEATED NEXT TO PARIS ON A PLANE, WAYS TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW IT’S HIM:
XVII. FALSE ANAGRAMS
XVIII. FAMOUS LAST WORDS
XIX. MORE USELESS ARTIFACTS
XX. ELDER GODS
XXI. CHILLING NOT UNLIKE THE PROVERBIAL VILLAIN
XXII. OMINOUS OR ODDLY COERCIVE NEW-AGE USERNAMES
XXIII. MARTINEZ DRUGDEALER MANSION NICKNAMES

 

 

(this goes on for 3,000 more words)

Please support me and tell a friend.

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2 new rap albums!

the rhymes got more technical.

the imagery is more hallucinatory.

the ignorant parts got more hentai.

the political parts got more nuanced.

The 80’s Hardcore beats are still there, but mixed with more regular Soul, and more irregular Prog beats.

Plus I discovered all the ‘special effects’ vocal plugins.

 

If you’re still not convinced, just click through to Bandcamp to check out the song titles.

 

 

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hatewatching

The entire concept of ‘Hate-watching’ is amazing to me.

 

It’s amazing that TV execs, confronted with an audience fed up with crap, even conceived of this as an option: “Hey, what if we made shows where even people that hated it would tune in anyway?”

 

It’s even more amazing that they were successfully able to do it – if it’s too crappy, you’ll lose the half of the audience which was non-ironically watching it, but if it’s too sympathetic to the main characters, you’ll lose the OTHER half – the people who watch it because they hate the main character.

 

It reminds me of Colonel Kurtz’ monolog about the snail crawling on a knife’s edge and surviving.  It’s incredibly difficult: the editing process is full of exactly the kind of subtlety, balance and nuance which is MISSING FROM THE ACTUAL SHOW ITSELF!

 

I couldn’t write even one episode like that, yet these people write entire series, entire seasons, entire GENRES like this, and succeed.  Which makes me wonder, what if all that talent had gone into, I don’t know, writing TV shows that weren’t crap to begin with?

 

That’s the problem with capitalism:  the opportunity costs are a mother. With that amount of talent, we could have produced a whole generation of Shakespeare-level TV by now.

 

And now these same media assholes are giving us the Trump campaign.

 

Here’s now hate-watching is effecting the election (beyond simply making Trump possible):

 

You’ve got 2 candidates with historically high negatives. The high negatives means they can’t convince undecided voters that they have anything good to offer, so they both resort to a message of I’M NOT THE OTHER PERSON, WHO IS WORSE. With every new gaffe, every leak or conspiracy theory, all the other, positive campaign messages become untenable, until I’M NOT THE OTHER MONSTER is the only message left.

 

And that’s the hate-watch angle:  look at this horrible person! See how awful they are! Hey honey, get a load of this freak-show!

 

But again, there’s this opportunity cost: every minute we discuss how horrible so-and-so is, is a minute we’re NOT talking about the serious issues facing the country and the radical new solutions we need.

 

And there’s another, even worse opportunity cost: the more the election degenerates into I’M NOT THE OTHER MONSTER mud-slinging, the more voters will turn on each other.  Dems, Repubs, Greens, and Libertarians – whose voters share common goals like ending the wars, getting money out of politics, and avoiding TPP – wind up divided and conquered.

 

At the end of the election cycle, the media, the political consultants, pundits, pollsters, and other dongs will be much richer, but the rest of us will inherit a country where no matter who wins, half the people will regard the other half as subhuman traitors.

 

So, without further ado, here’s my new list:

 

WAYS IN WHICH AMERICA WILL BE SHITTIER IN 2017, BECAUSE THE MEDIA PLAYED THE ‘TRUMP PRANK’

 

More room on the right – Trump’s done but he permanently made people like Clinton, Cruz, and Walker, etc. look sane in comparison

  • Election results will be regarded as illegitimate no matter who wins
  • Politics as simple entertainment (with everything that implies, such as personality over policy, facts are irrelevant, objectivity is not something to strive for in journalism etc.) mentality is the new normal
  • Blue / red / third-party voters more divided against each other, and barely regard each other as human
  • With the GOP wrecked, Clinton will attempt to make America a one-party state (at least at the federal level)
  • Racist hate-groups emboldened
  • People trust the media even less
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LOSER FORUM

I have an important message to deliver to all the cute people all over the world. If you’re out there and you’re cute, maybe you’re beautiful. I just want to tell you somethin’ — there’s more of us UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS than you are, hey-y, so watch out.” – F. Zappa

 

Ever since days of Craigslist Personals, lonely people of all sexual orientations, genders, and perversions have used the internet to take out their frustrations on each other, instead of, as Zappa said, uniting against the pretty people. We’ve learned nothing since the 60s, so we’re as bad as the hippies.

 

That can still change.

 

Socially inept, ostracized, geographically isolated, or unattractive people do commiserate online, but usually in same-sex groups (“The other genders are responsible with all their demands and rules!”) and usually in terms of vignettes (“awkward penguin did this at a party!”) instead of deeper systemic issues.

 

Just like the great Crash of 2008 had everyone isolated and thinking, “It’s my fault I lost my house and job. I was irresponsible and uncompetitive in the global market!” but then crusading activists pointed out, “No, you were set up to fail by a system that profits off dispair, you sillies. You’re not in it alone. You can fight back!”

 

I’d like to reframe the debate away from ‘boys vs girls (vs trans vs gay vs straight)’ and towards ‘popular vs isolated’.

 

And I think that discussing systemic issues (as boring and abstract as that can be) is the only way to bridge the grievances and bitterness that divide us ‘ugly motherfuckers’ and allow us to unite.

 

Reframing away from sex towards general isolation.

 

Because, if you cure the isolation you’ll probably a) let go of a lot of bitterness, and b) have more opportunities to date anyway.  But if you start, as most people do, by focusing on getting a relationship, with no social network and no one to vouch for you, you’re attempting something that even attractive people have a hard time doing.

 

Plus I think the root of a lot of dating-related anger is just displaced isolation-anger in the first place. Shit makes you notoriously short-tempered and finicky.

 

The next step is to have real-life meetups of losers. What they used to call ‘consciousness raising groups’, where self-appointed leaders try to get people to go ‘round the circle and share individual experiences. And by looking at the common threads, get the group to see the larger systemic factors that unite them.

 

There would also be snacks.

 

Some topics would be;

·       the ways in which long-term isolation (sexual or regular) messes with your brain

·       coping mechanisms which work

·       coping mechanisms which just make things worse in the long run

·       economic factors (overwork, money-stress, lack of time)

·       unconscious assumptions that sabotage us

·       does changing your personality to be more ‘acceptable’ mean that you’re phoney or that you deserved to be alone before?

·       Assigning blame and vengeance

·       Does compartmentalizing your feelings help or hurt? (i.e. putting all the bad feels into a locked box; putting on a brave front; being really overconfident in some areas and abjectly self-pitying in others, etc.)

·       Transitioning from isolation to friends without losing who you are

·       How to leverage confidence in the things you are good at into confidence in general

·       Without friends to give a reality check, how do we keep our expectations from getting too unrealistic?

·       How do we keep our unwanted thoughts from repeating endlessly, until we just wish Flanders was dead?

·       Social media: Genuine relief, or crutch? How to use it without letting it use you.

·       I’ve started to do xyz. Is that just me being nuts or is that something a lot of isolated people do?

·       Physical tolls of isolation (increased stress hormones, etc)

·       Ways to live alone forever, productively (scheduling regular meals, sleeping times, chores, etc.) so as to reduce stress.

·       Cool places to be alone or people-watch.

·       What would you like society to know about you? How would you like to see the isolation issue framed?

·       How should society change to stop others going through what you’re going through? What are your demands?

·       What are your demands besides sex?

 

etc.

 

They could also have guest speakers, such as sociologists, that explain the unspoken rules of society.  Not that you’d have to FOLLOW them, just that knowing them makes it easier to predict what other people will do in response to your awkwardness, and plan accordingly.

 

In return, the socially isolated people would provide a ready-made focus group for the sociologists’ quizzes and surveys, so THEY could learn more about the long-term effects of isolation.

 

Another type of guest-speaker would be the Formerly Isolated. This would be controversial, since some of the losers would view FI’s as inspirational while others would see them as sell-outs.  But their presence would be important! Not to tell people how to live or how to change and ‘improve’, but to share their own struggles as they adapt(ed) their personality to their new situation.

 

A third category of guest-speaker: the Unhappy Popular person, who would fill the vital function of schadenfreude. A counterweight to the Formerly Isolated, the UP would talk about the downsides of popularity, the dirty secrets and ruthless competition that go into the seemingly effortless surface appearance of confidence and beauty.

 

They would have to be thoroughly vetted to weed out humble-braggers.

 

Also, the whole notion of, you can control yourself, but how can you compel others to think well of you? Friendship (to say nothing of fucking) is not a decision anyone can unilaterally make (unless you’re a rapist in which case don’t come to the meetings). It’s not your decision for so-and-so to be your buddy. Given that seemingly simple fact, how does anyone ever make friends?

 

That’s not a guest speaker category, that’s just something which I’d like to ask all the guest-speakers until everyone rolls their eyes the second my hand goes up.

 

Also, there’d be a Heisenberg effect, where merely observing the phenomena will change it. Put less pretentiously, having a bunch of lonely people in a room will cause relationships to form. Whether those will be sexy or platonic or political or just random bullshit infighting I have no idea.

 

Back to the long term project of these consciousness-raising groups (revenge): survey all the people in all the groups in all the cities, all the genders, all the orientations and races, and find out the common points that they all share, across demographic lines.

 

Then distill those common points into a BASELINE. Baseline means, whether you’re straight, gay, a male nerd or obese woman… whether you’re a quiet introvert or a raging crank; a traumatized rape survivor or a hermit in a forest. . . regardless of what other struggles you have in life, here’s what you all have in common!  Here’s why you have the same vested interests, and here’s what you’re entitled to demand from society!

 

The baseline would be made into a simple manifesto, some slogans, and spread via Craigslist.

 

Whatever the baseline traits wind up consisting of, here’s one thing that would definitely be in the manifesto:

 

“Only by working together can you accomplish what you can’t individually. It’s not about learning pick-up techniques or seeking ‘daily inspiration’ tweets from some dingus you want to be. It’s not an individual effort.

 

“You’ve been told all along, either it’s ‘every man for himself’, or it’s ‘lose your personality and blend in society’s amoeba.’  But that’s a false fuckin’ choice.”

 

Just keep ranting like that, until we get the other 90% of isolated people (that haven’t been coming to the meetings) involved and united in a movement with goals. People overcoming their ‘take it out on the other lonely people’ syndrome, and uniting against the pretties, as Zappa intended.

 

Kind of how Bernie Sanders said, “OK there’s been the Black struggle, the women’s struggle, the immigrant struggle, all this identity politics stuff, and that’s totally justified and righteous, except the part where you didn’t change anything because you weren’t working together.

 

“What if we all got together on the one issue we all agree on: we need more money! With the ‘more money’, we can each finance our individual struggles. Only by uniting can we take the money out of politics and weaken our mutual foes. Two birds with one stone! But first we have to stop working in isolation and taking our frustrations out on each other for not being pure enough.”

 

Like that, but for losers.

 

 

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new album

16 songs of angry political Zappa/Dead Kennedys/Bungle/ No Le$$ worship.

 

 

https://schultzzz.bandcamp.com/album/extruded-assumptions

 

Been working on this for 18 months. Well this and 2 more almost identical albums coming later this week.

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MICHELLE OBAMA’S DNC SPEECH

MICHELLE OBAMA DNC SPEECH LEAKED FIRST DRAFT OR WHATEVER:

 

*walks on stage hella fast as if avoiding pursuit from the wings*

OK. Three things right off the bat. Shh. Let me speak. OK Let’s see how many of you are applauding a minute from now. OK. OK.

Three things. First, nobody should care about Ms. Trump’s so-called plagiarism.  In my ‘original’ speech, I plagiarized basically 75% of all Boy Scout 300-word essays about America. Second, spouses don’t make policy, so why even talk about it? Oh right, to prove how liberal and progressive you are. ‘White Lady Steals From Black Lady’ takes ABOUND. Stop patting yourselves on the back.

Let me tell you – if you were REALLY liberal, you’d demand that presidential spouses STOP being paraded around to these conventions like smiling props, where we’re not allowed to say SHIT, and instead forced to say things like, ‘America is great I love my husband’.

Finally, that stuff we both said isn’t even true – not only is it a lie, it’s a very insulting lie – why aren’t you mad about THAT?  “Anybody who works hard can make it”?  What is that, but a nice way of saying, “The poor deserve it because they’re lazy.”  Why isn’t THAT the scandal? OK. OK. You think that’s bad? You think that’s bad, check this out:

Imagine the looks on your faces if me OR Ms. Trump told the truth: that the way to get ahead is to be connected, inherit, sleep with the right people, have a file full of blackmail material, and cheat like hell when no one’s looking?  That would be political suicide.

But if I lie about it, that’s cool. I’m your hero, because I tell you what to hear.

You like the lies.

And you wonder why you can’t find honest politicians. And you get mad and point the finger everywhere else but yourselves.

You get mad when politicians cheat, but when was the last time you allowed an unmarried person to hold office? It’s you guys, forcing us families into these loveless, one-sided, based-on-false-pretenses-ass marriages, worse than being a gay celebrity’s beard.

You get mad at the lobbyists and the ‘money in politics,’ but treat democracy as something you only have to do once every 4 years, if you feel like it. Meanwhile these lobbyists are working 24/7 to persuade us.

Never mind the money in politics, we’d listen to them just because they never leave us alone. We’d do them favors just to get some quiet time. But all you do is yell at the TV and link to a meme. You think lobbyists are linking to memes? They’re meeting with powerful people, like right now, just off camera.

You don’t put in the work, and then you get mad. And you scold your kids for not doing their homework and thinking everything comes for free. And then you link to another politics meme.

And now you’re even mad at ME for telling you the truth.  What more proof could you ask for?

I’m Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States wishing you a good evening and also a merry Fuck The Police.

*gets teargassed by drone*

1 comment

POLITICAL JARGON CHAPTER 1

PEACE: Kill the other guy until he stops fighting back.

 

UNITY: Make people I don’t like shut the fuck up about their dang problems.

 

JOBS: Make Americans work more cheaply than Chinese sweatshops! THEN foreigners will open factories HERE.

 

COMPETITIVE: see Jobs.

 

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM: People of MY religion are free to use the power of the State to impose their beliefs on wrong religions.

 

FREEDOM: If you-all let corporations go untaxed and unregulated, we’ll let you go back to saying ‘retard’.

 

TERRORISM: Whoever we just droned to pieces was by definition a terrorist. Otherwise we’d be unjust!

 

SAFETY: Spies and cops are unaccountable at home, while provoking enemies abroad.

 

THE COURAGE TO MAKE HARD CHOICES: The courage to end Social Security and Medicare for voters while keeping it for myself and the rest of the Congress.

 

THE CONSTITUTION SAYS…: Lobbyists say…

 

SHRINKING GOVERNMENT: Cutting services you need; making you pay for them out of your own pocket at much greater expense.

 

BIG GOVERNMENT REGULATION: Koch Industries regulation.

 

NATIONAL DEBT: Cut whatever programs lobbyists don’t like.

 

RESPECT OUR VETERANS:  Add $10M for vets to a $3000M  budget bill full of  boondoggle projects like flying submarines and hover-leopards.

 

GREATEST NATION ON EARTH: The country that totally sucks butthole because of all the leeches, takers, illegals, corrupt politicians, immoral Hollywood, atheists, pc police, crooks, and especially those traitors  who dare criticize America.

 

RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS: Every time you hear someone say ‘arms’ or ‘guns’, substitute the word ‘howitzers’ and ‘surface to air missiles’, and see how well the logic works.

 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: Empathy

 

ILLEGALS: Every time you hear ‘Illegal aliens should be…’, substitute ‘American employers who hire them should be…’

 

WELCOME A DIALOGUE ABOUT: How the fuck did you find out about that? Who told you!?

 

HAVE AN HONEST DISCUSSION ABOUT: Pander to and then forget.

 

RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM: Both Dems and Repubs are united in the belief that no matter how many undeclared wars he starts without the approval of Congress, no matter how many innocents he drones, Obama is very peaceful and tolerant because he doesn’t use that exact phrase. They only disagree on whether ‘peaceful and tolerant’ is an insult or not.

 

ISRAEL:  $4 billion in military aid per year is a small price to pay for Apartheid and endless war in the Middle East.

 

RESPECT THE RULE OF LAW: Stop pretending police have to obey laws. You can enforce laws OR obey them – but doing both at the same time? That’s like trying to fly by pulling both legs up with your hands! I mean come on, people.

 

CORRUPT WASHINGTON DC BUSINESS AS USUAL POLITICS: this refers to our collective outrage at politicians who cynically use that outrage in order to further disenfranchise us. In other words, the people most likely to use that phrase.

 

CHANGE: Opportunism.

 

SMALL BUSINESSES: Macdonald Douglas’ Country Time Lemonade Stand And Family-Style ICBM Buffet.

 

ELITES AND INSIDERS: See CORRUPT WASHINGTON DC BUSINESS AS USUAL POLITICS

 

TERRORISM EXPERT: Retired general now working for arms dealers.

 

ECONOMY EXPERT:  Banker who narrowly escaped fraud charges, now working for think tank.

 

POLITICAL ANALYST: See TERRORISM EXPERT and ECONOMY EXPERT, but they also want to sell you a book.

 

I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH CONGRESS TO…: I am not going to do jack shit about this issue, but look forward to blaming Congress for inaction.

 

END GUN VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY!: Export all the guns to various Arab dictators or African Civil Wars, so we can keep open the only factories we have left anymore.

 

I PASSED A LAW BANNING XXX:  I wrote loopholes big enough to drive a [YYY] through, and nothing changed, but I want credit for it anyway.

 

CAN YOU BELIEVE MY OPPONENT VOTED AGAINST ZZZ?!?: . . . after I at the last minute slipped in an amendment to the bill which called for stabbing kittens in the lung, but STILL. Can you believe that shit?

 

I FOUGHT FOR XYZ FOR DECADES: I did not accomplish XYZ.

 

I TOOK A STRONG STAND:   see I PASSED A LAW and I FOUGHT FOR XYZ

 

WE NEED REAL LEADERSHIP IN THIS COUNTRY:  You people ask too many damn questions.  How can anyone accomplish things if you keep bitching about ‘rights’ this and ‘conflict of interest’ that, and ‘checks and balances’.

 

GET THIS COUNTRY GOING AGAIN:  This refers to the unfunny Republican habit of using filibusters to deliberately break Congress for a good 6 years, and refusing to do any work until a Republican is elected POTUS, while gambling that voters will blame the ensuing national stagnation on Obama.

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Fake David Graeber Post

Free-market, private enterprise, private sector efficiency:

 

I bring an envelope to UPS, address all filled out.
Ask for express.
The guy makes me fill out a form in pen, with the exact same info as on the envelope.
He then looks at the paper form, types that into his computer.
The computer prints out a FOURTH copy of the same information.
He then takes my envelope, puts it in a second envelope.
He puts the printed label on the second envelope, and off we go!
 

More free-market, private enterprise, private sector FUCKING efficiency:

 

Get email from state farm. Subject line: we updated your estimate.
I Click it expecting a one line message, such as, ‘it’s xxx dollars.’
Instead, the email is just total gobbledeygook. Weird letter and number combinations that somehow designate the ‘handling team’, with no mention of what that is or why I should care. Dates, times, places, everything BUT the estimate.  At the bottom, the only thing that makes sense, says basically to check their website.
Check website.
Asks me to log in.
Log into what?!? I never made an account.  They expect me to make up a user name and password and authentication questions and probably a pin number and secret decoder rings, and shit. Why not just email me the fucking price?
Is this a conscious strategy to cause people to drop their claims from fatigue? Like did they pay some asshole to run the numbers thusly:

 

(amount of purposefully meaningless bureaucracy)

times

(money saved from people giving up)

Minus

(number of customers switching companies)

 

. . . and then decided based on the results to implement a Comprehensive Bullshit Emissions Program?

 

 

 

 

 

Good Old Fashioned Government Efficiency:

Get a Hotmail from Covered Cali.
Open it.
Instead of actually having informaion, it just says ‘log into Covered Cali to check your Obamacare-mail.’
This is because Covered Cali refuses to send me regular email, ‘for your privacy’ (which is funny because ANOTHER part of the same government IS reading ALL my emails). But they CAN send me a hotmail letting me know that I have a covered-cali email. What kind of Calvin-ball shit is that?!?
Log into covered cali.
Click at least 4 pages to finally get to my email account.
The email just says, “you got an email from us.”
*Osbourne Cox voice* what the FUCK?!?
The only other thing in the email is a link reading, ‘Click HERE to download pdf”’
Download the PDF.
It’s 4 pages of dense boilerplate, the same as every OTHER email they send me, but I have to read the whole thing looking for the one percent that is different than all the other emails. When I finally find the changed part, it basically says, “We have decided not to disqualify your wife after all.”
It doesn’t say, “Sorry we lost the scan of your wife’s green card you fucking sent us over a year ago, and then threatened you for noncompliance, and made you wait forever to talk to someone on the phone to prove you DID send it, oops, our bad.”

So all that, just to get told that nothing is changing.

 

And I consider myself lucky that I did not have to wait in lines.

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