“I have an important message to deliver to all the cute people all over the world. If you’re out there and you’re cute, maybe you’re beautiful. I just want to tell you somethin’ — there’s more of us UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS than you are, hey-y, so watch out.” – F. Zappa
Ever since days of Craigslist Personals, lonely people of all sexual orientations, genders, and perversions have used the internet to take out their frustrations on each other, instead of, as Zappa said, uniting against the pretty people. We’ve learned nothing since the 60s, so we’re as bad as the hippies.
That can still change.
Socially inept, ostracized, geographically isolated, or unattractive people do commiserate online, but usually in same-sex groups (“The other genders are responsible with all their demands and rules!”) and usually in terms of vignettes (“awkward penguin did this at a party!”) instead of deeper systemic issues.
Just like the great Crash of 2008 had everyone isolated and thinking, “It’s my fault I lost my house and job. I was irresponsible and uncompetitive in the global market!” but then crusading activists pointed out, “No, you were set up to fail by a system that profits off dispair, you sillies. You’re not in it alone. You can fight back!”
I’d like to reframe the debate away from ‘boys vs girls (vs trans vs gay vs straight)’ and towards ‘popular vs isolated’.
And I think that discussing systemic issues (as boring and abstract as that can be) is the only way to bridge the grievances and bitterness that divide us ‘ugly motherfuckers’ and allow us to unite.
Reframing away from sex towards general isolation.
Because, if you cure the isolation you’ll probably a) let go of a lot of bitterness, and b) have more opportunities to date anyway. But if you start, as most people do, by focusing on getting a relationship, with no social network and no one to vouch for you, you’re attempting something that even attractive people have a hard time doing.
Plus I think the root of a lot of dating-related anger is just displaced isolation-anger in the first place. Shit makes you notoriously short-tempered and finicky.
The next step is to have real-life meetups of losers. What they used to call ‘consciousness raising groups’, where self-appointed leaders try to get people to go ‘round the circle and share individual experiences. And by looking at the common threads, get the group to see the larger systemic factors that unite them.
There would also be snacks.
Some topics would be;
· the ways in which long-term isolation (sexual or regular) messes with your brain
· coping mechanisms which work
· coping mechanisms which just make things worse in the long run
· economic factors (overwork, money-stress, lack of time)
· unconscious assumptions that sabotage us
· does changing your personality to be more ‘acceptable’ mean that you’re phoney or that you deserved to be alone before?
· Assigning blame and vengeance
· Does compartmentalizing your feelings help or hurt? (i.e. putting all the bad feels into a locked box; putting on a brave front; being really overconfident in some areas and abjectly self-pitying in others, etc.)
· Transitioning from isolation to friends without losing who you are
· How to leverage confidence in the things you are good at into confidence in general
· Without friends to give a reality check, how do we keep our expectations from getting too unrealistic?
· How do we keep our unwanted thoughts from repeating endlessly, until we just wish Flanders was dead?
· Social media: Genuine relief, or crutch? How to use it without letting it use you.
· I’ve started to do xyz. Is that just me being nuts or is that something a lot of isolated people do?
· Physical tolls of isolation (increased stress hormones, etc)
· Ways to live alone forever, productively (scheduling regular meals, sleeping times, chores, etc.) so as to reduce stress.
· Cool places to be alone or people-watch.
· What would you like society to know about you? How would you like to see the isolation issue framed?
· How should society change to stop others going through what you’re going through? What are your demands?
· What are your demands besides sex?
They could also have guest speakers, such as sociologists, that explain the unspoken rules of society. Not that you’d have to FOLLOW them, just that knowing them makes it easier to predict what other people will do in response to your awkwardness, and plan accordingly.
In return, the socially isolated people would provide a ready-made focus group for the sociologists’ quizzes and surveys, so THEY could learn more about the long-term effects of isolation.
Another type of guest-speaker would be the Formerly Isolated. This would be controversial, since some of the losers would view FI’s as inspirational while others would see them as sell-outs. But their presence would be important! Not to tell people how to live or how to change and ‘improve’, but to share their own struggles as they adapt(ed) their personality to their new situation.
A third category of guest-speaker: the Unhappy Popular person, who would fill the vital function of schadenfreude. A counterweight to the Formerly Isolated, the UP would talk about the downsides of popularity, the dirty secrets and ruthless competition that go into the seemingly effortless surface appearance of confidence and beauty.
They would have to be thoroughly vetted to weed out humble-braggers.
Also, the whole notion of, you can control yourself, but how can you compel others to think well of you? Friendship (to say nothing of fucking) is not a decision anyone can unilaterally make (unless you’re a rapist in which case don’t come to the meetings). It’s not your decision for so-and-so to be your buddy. Given that seemingly simple fact, how does anyone ever make friends?
That’s not a guest speaker category, that’s just something which I’d like to ask all the guest-speakers until everyone rolls their eyes the second my hand goes up.
Also, there’d be a Heisenberg effect, where merely observing the phenomena will change it. Put less pretentiously, having a bunch of lonely people in a room will cause relationships to form. Whether those will be sexy or platonic or political or just random bullshit infighting I have no idea.
Back to the long term project of these consciousness-raising groups (revenge): survey all the people in all the groups in all the cities, all the genders, all the orientations and races, and find out the common points that they all share, across demographic lines.
Then distill those common points into a BASELINE. Baseline means, whether you’re straight, gay, a male nerd or obese woman… whether you’re a quiet introvert or a raging crank; a traumatized rape survivor or a hermit in a forest. . . regardless of what other struggles you have in life, here’s what you all have in common! Here’s why you have the same vested interests, and here’s what you’re entitled to demand from society!
The baseline would be made into a simple manifesto, some slogans, and spread via Craigslist.
Whatever the baseline traits wind up consisting of, here’s one thing that would definitely be in the manifesto:
“Only by working together can you accomplish what you can’t individually. It’s not about learning pick-up techniques or seeking ‘daily inspiration’ tweets from some dingus you want to be. It’s not an individual effort.
“You’ve been told all along, either it’s ‘every man for himself’, or it’s ‘lose your personality and blend in society’s amoeba.’ But that’s a false fuckin’ choice.”
Just keep ranting like that, until we get the other 90% of isolated people (that haven’t been coming to the meetings) involved and united in a movement with goals. People overcoming their ‘take it out on the other lonely people’ syndrome, and uniting against the pretties, as Zappa intended.
Kind of how Bernie Sanders said, “OK there’s been the Black struggle, the women’s struggle, the immigrant struggle, all this identity politics stuff, and that’s totally justified and righteous, except the part where you didn’t change anything because you weren’t working together.
“What if we all got together on the one issue we all agree on: we need more money! With the ‘more money’, we can each finance our individual struggles. Only by uniting can we take the money out of politics and weaken our mutual foes. Two birds with one stone! But first we have to stop working in isolation and taking our frustrations out on each other for not being pure enough.”
Like that, but for losers.
16 songs of angry political Zappa/Dead Kennedys/Bungle/ No Le$$ worship.
Been working on this for 18 months. Well this and 2 more almost identical albums coming later this week.No comments
MICHELLE OBAMA DNC SPEECH LEAKED FIRST DRAFT OR WHATEVER:
*walks on stage hella fast as if avoiding pursuit from the wings*
OK. Three things right off the bat. Shh. Let me speak. OK Let’s see how many of you are applauding a minute from now. OK. OK.
Three things. First, nobody should care about Ms. Trump’s so-called plagiarism. In my ‘original’ speech, I plagiarized basically 75% of all Boy Scout 300-word essays about America. Second, spouses don’t make policy, so why even talk about it? Oh right, to prove how liberal and progressive you are. ‘White Lady Steals From Black Lady’ takes ABOUND. Stop patting yourselves on the back.
Let me tell you – if you were REALLY liberal, you’d demand that presidential spouses STOP being paraded around to these conventions like smiling props, where we’re not allowed to say SHIT, and instead forced to say things like, ‘America is great I love my husband’.
Finally, that stuff we both said isn’t even true – not only is it a lie, it’s a very insulting lie – why aren’t you mad about THAT? “Anybody who works hard can make it”? What is that, but a nice way of saying, “The poor deserve it because they’re lazy.” Why isn’t THAT the scandal? OK. OK. You think that’s bad? You think that’s bad, check this out:
Imagine the looks on your faces if me OR Ms. Trump told the truth: that the way to get ahead is to be connected, inherit, sleep with the right people, have a file full of blackmail material, and cheat like hell when no one’s looking? That would be political suicide.
But if I lie about it, that’s cool. I’m your hero, because I tell you what to hear.
You like the lies.
And you wonder why you can’t find honest politicians. And you get mad and point the finger everywhere else but yourselves.
You get mad when politicians cheat, but when was the last time you allowed an unmarried person to hold office? It’s you guys, forcing us families into these loveless, one-sided, based-on-false-pretenses-ass marriages, worse than being a gay celebrity’s beard.
You get mad at the lobbyists and the ‘money in politics,’ but treat democracy as something you only have to do once every 4 years, if you feel like it. Meanwhile these lobbyists are working 24/7 to persuade us.
Never mind the money in politics, we’d listen to them just because they never leave us alone. We’d do them favors just to get some quiet time. But all you do is yell at the TV and link to a meme. You think lobbyists are linking to memes? They’re meeting with powerful people, like right now, just off camera.
You don’t put in the work, and then you get mad. And you scold your kids for not doing their homework and thinking everything comes for free. And then you link to another politics meme.
And now you’re even mad at ME for telling you the truth. What more proof could you ask for?
I’m Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States wishing you a good evening and also a merry Fuck The Police.
*gets teargassed by drone*No comments
PEACE: Kill the other guy until he stops fighting back.
UNITY: Make people I don’t like shut the fuck up about their dang problems.
JOBS: Make Americans work more cheaply than Chinese sweatshops! THEN foreigners will open factories HERE.
COMPETITIVE: see Jobs.
RELIGIOUS FREEDOM: People of MY religion are free to use the power of the State to impose their beliefs on wrong religions.
FREEDOM: If you-all let corporations go untaxed and unregulated, we’ll let you go back to saying ‘retard’.
TERRORISM: Whoever we just droned to pieces was by definition a terrorist. Otherwise we’d be unjust!
SAFETY: Spies and cops are unaccountable at home, while provoking enemies abroad.
THE COURAGE TO MAKE HARD CHOICES: The courage to end Social Security and Medicare for voters while keeping it for myself and the rest of the Congress.
THE CONSTITUTION SAYS…: Lobbyists say…
SHRINKING GOVERNMENT: Cutting services you need; making you pay for them out of your own pocket at much greater expense.
BIG GOVERNMENT REGULATION: Koch Industries regulation.
NATIONAL DEBT: Cut whatever programs lobbyists don’t like.
RESPECT OUR VETERANS: Add $10M for vets to a $3000M budget bill full of boondoggle projects like flying submarines and hover-leopards.
GREATEST NATION ON EARTH: The country that totally sucks butthole because of all the leeches, takers, illegals, corrupt politicians, immoral Hollywood, atheists, pc police, crooks, and especially those traitors who dare criticize America.
RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS: Every time you hear someone say ‘arms’ or ‘guns’, substitute the word ‘howitzers’ and ‘surface to air missiles’, and see how well the logic works.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: Empathy
ILLEGALS: Every time you hear ‘Illegal aliens should be…’, substitute ‘American employers who hire them should be…’
WELCOME A DIALOGUE ABOUT: How the fuck did you find out about that? Who told you!?
HAVE AN HONEST DISCUSSION ABOUT: Pander to and then forget.
RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM: Both Dems and Repubs are united in the belief that no matter how many undeclared wars he starts without the approval of Congress, no matter how many innocents he drones, Obama is very peaceful and tolerant because he doesn’t use that exact phrase. They only disagree on whether ‘peaceful and tolerant’ is an insult or not.
ISRAEL: $4 billion in military aid per year is a small price to pay for Apartheid and endless war in the Middle East.
RESPECT THE RULE OF LAW: Stop pretending police have to obey laws. You can enforce laws OR obey them – but doing both at the same time? That’s like trying to fly by pulling both legs up with your hands! I mean come on, people.
CORRUPT WASHINGTON DC BUSINESS AS USUAL POLITICS: this refers to our collective outrage at politicians who cynically use that outrage in order to further disenfranchise us. In other words, the people most likely to use that phrase.
SMALL BUSINESSES: Macdonald Douglas’ Country Time Lemonade Stand And Family-Style ICBM Buffet.
ELITES AND INSIDERS: See CORRUPT WASHINGTON DC BUSINESS AS USUAL POLITICS
TERRORISM EXPERT: Retired general now working for arms dealers.
ECONOMY EXPERT: Banker who narrowly escaped fraud charges, now working for think tank.
POLITICAL ANALYST: See TERRORISM EXPERT and ECONOMY EXPERT, but they also want to sell you a book.
I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH CONGRESS TO…: I am not going to do jack shit about this issue, but look forward to blaming Congress for inaction.
END GUN VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY!: Export all the guns to various Arab dictators or African Civil Wars, so we can keep open the only factories we have left anymore.
I PASSED A LAW BANNING XXX: I wrote loopholes big enough to drive a [YYY] through, and nothing changed, but I want credit for it anyway.
CAN YOU BELIEVE MY OPPONENT VOTED AGAINST ZZZ?!?: . . . after I at the last minute slipped in an amendment to the bill which called for stabbing kittens in the lung, but STILL. Can you believe that shit?
I FOUGHT FOR XYZ FOR DECADES: I did not accomplish XYZ.
I TOOK A STRONG STAND: see I PASSED A LAW and I FOUGHT FOR XYZ
WE NEED REAL LEADERSHIP IN THIS COUNTRY: You people ask too many damn questions. How can anyone accomplish things if you keep bitching about ‘rights’ this and ‘conflict of interest’ that, and ‘checks and balances’.
GET THIS COUNTRY GOING AGAIN: This refers to the unfunny Republican habit of using filibusters to deliberately break Congress for a good 6 years, and refusing to do any work until a Republican is elected POTUS, while gambling that voters will blame the ensuing national stagnation on Obama.3 comments
Free-market, private enterprise, private sector efficiency:
I bring an envelope to UPS, address all filled out.
Ask for express.
The guy makes me fill out a form in pen, with the exact same info as on the envelope.
He then looks at the paper form, types that into his computer.
The computer prints out a FOURTH copy of the same information.
He then takes my envelope, puts it in a second envelope.
He puts the printed label on the second envelope, and off we go!
More free-market, private enterprise, private sector FUCKING efficiency:
Get email from state farm. Subject line: we updated your estimate.
I Click it expecting a one line message, such as, ‘it’s xxx dollars.’
Instead, the email is just total gobbledeygook. Weird letter and number combinations that somehow designate the ‘handling team’, with no mention of what that is or why I should care. Dates, times, places, everything BUT the estimate. At the bottom, the only thing that makes sense, says basically to check their website.
Asks me to log in.
Log into what?!? I never made an account. They expect me to make up a user name and password and authentication questions and probably a pin number and secret decoder rings, and shit. Why not just email me the fucking price?
Is this a conscious strategy to cause people to drop their claims from fatigue? Like did they pay some asshole to run the numbers thusly:
(amount of purposefully meaningless bureaucracy)
(money saved from people giving up)
(number of customers switching companies)
. . . and then decided based on the results to implement a Comprehensive Bullshit Emissions Program?
Good Old Fashioned Government Efficiency:
Get a Hotmail from Covered Cali.
Instead of actually having informaion, it just says ‘log into Covered Cali to check your Obamacare-mail.’
This is because Covered Cali refuses to send me regular email, ‘for your privacy’ (which is funny because ANOTHER part of the same government IS reading ALL my emails). But they CAN send me a hotmail letting me know that I have a covered-cali email. What kind of Calvin-ball shit is that?!?
Log into covered cali.
Click at least 4 pages to finally get to my email account.
The email just says, “you got an email from us.”
*Osbourne Cox voice* what the FUCK?!?
The only other thing in the email is a link reading, ‘Click HERE to download pdf”’
Download the PDF.
It’s 4 pages of dense boilerplate, the same as every OTHER email they send me, but I have to read the whole thing looking for the one percent that is different than all the other emails. When I finally find the changed part, it basically says, “We have decided not to disqualify your wife after all.”
It doesn’t say, “Sorry we lost the scan of your wife’s green card you fucking sent us over a year ago, and then threatened you for noncompliance, and made you wait forever to talk to someone on the phone to prove you DID send it, oops, our bad.”
So all that, just to get told that nothing is changing.
And I consider myself lucky that I did not have to wait in lines.No comments
I put off seeing it until now because the trailer had too many white people in it; it looked like it was being told from the businessmens’ point of view. Which made it pretty sweet when I finally saw it and they tore those devils up. But still what a weird trailer.
Even MORE weird how a movie whose plot is ‘ego fucks things up’ can be made by 2 guys who clearly didn’t learn the lesson.
Not because other characters didn’t get enough screen time, and not because the other characters were portrayed as suckers or marks. I’m claiming ‘egomania’ because the success of NWA was basically depicted as stemming from the sheer willpower of Eazy, Dre and Cube.
I mean yeah they were geniuses, but geniuses die every day without ever being appreciated or selling anything. Old men living alone, the relatives come to collect the body, find a lifetime’s worth of obsessive outsider-art.
NWA being geniuses kind of helped, but their commercial success happened because they had their city behind them, and later on, because of millions of junior high whiteboys like myself bought them. (To be fair, this applies to all millionaire rappers, yet Ice Motherfucking T is the only one with the integrity to admit it – he even TITLED HIS RECORD ‘home invasion’ w/ a picture of some aspiring school-shooting whiteboy being influenced by him. It wasn’t a good album, but taking the #1 rap taboo and not only admitting it, but making it your fucking album title has got to be the ballsiest move since Cop Killer. In fact, you could paraphrase the old witticism ‘Only Nixon could go to China’ as, ‘only the Cop Killa guy could admit a lot of his fans are white kids’)
In contrast, Straight Outta Compton shows all these mansions and lamborghinis and shit, with no mention of where the money came from. Like Heller (I don’t know the actor, but his Better Call Saul impression is fucking on point!) told Cube in the movie: “where do you think all this comes from?”
On one hand, who cares if the film doesn’t have teenage white kids in it. That would make it pretty boring.
But they even manage to take COMPTON out of the movie. All the South Central scenes are either in private houses or private clubs; there’s no community. Maybe 20 seconds total of the NWA guys walking through a low-rider event. Not one scene at a swapmeet or a cookout. Nothing about the history of Compton, nothing about the NWA guys as kids watching their parents’ friends listen to Stylistics or Marvin Gaye at a house-party.
Even the police-brutality scenes, as well-done and scary as they are, they can’t act as a stand-in for all the million NONviolent-but-unknown-to-privileged-people type of daily-life indignities, the closed opportunities and general disenfranchisement that made Compton produce the scariest musicians in the first place (rather than Paris Texas or Connecticut or Eureka or wherever). There’s no real context.
If I was making that shit, it would start in the 40s when WWII caused the Navy to build shipyards, and the desperation of war caused racist employers to hire African-americans for good paying work there. Which led to a lot of black families moving to LA. It would focus on economic violence as much as police violence. Reagan and shit.
It would be the story of how the problems facing the Black community used to be told by soul singers (organic, vulnerable, spiritual) and how that got turned into the problems being told by NWA (mechanical, materialistic, fuckkity bitch ho motherfucker fuck fuck).
My movie would, I guess, just use NWA as a metaphor, or a hook, for a story about the transformations both within the Black community of LA and American society generally which caused that shift (the shift from soul to hardcore rap). And the movie would end right after the release of the first album.
And it would DEFINITELY include a scene where they shoot the back cover of the ‘GANGSTA GANGSTA’ EP where they’re sitting on a bench reading the Wall St Journal while a whiteboy shines their shoes, and for no reason at all there’s an adorable little blonde girl in the corner EATING WATERMELON. That shit was FUCKING LENNY BRUCE-LEVEL AWESOME.
Also, not to take away from O’shea Junior’s acting, which was good, but I feel sorry for that guy. Not only will he never be as famous or as lyrical as Dad, but Dad seems to be controlling his life with an L. Ron Hubbard level of dominance: not just naming him junior, but actually encouraging him to copy Dad’s facial expressions and mannerisms for a living? Jesus, what kind of twisted fuck does that? I’m picturing Junior’s crib, instead of having a little mobile or play-toy dangling above it, the whole roof was a giant blow-up of the cover of AMERIKKKA’S MOST WANTED, with Dad’s eyes like 3 feet across (each) burrowing into the kid’s soul all night as it tries to sleep.
No idea how he’s done it, but he’s managed to perform the following mental acrobatics:
He starts with the undeniably true premise: “The mainstream media/political elites look down on you commoners. And they also look down on Me for being a vulgar sneering demagogue.”
And then takes it to an insane conclusion: “Therefore any attack on Me for ANY reason is really an attack on YOU-ALL for not being Coastal Elite enough.”
The beauty of this is, IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO THE TRUMP SUPPORTER IF THE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST TRUMP ARE DEMONSTRABLY TRUE OR SIMPLE NAME-CALLING. It’s irrelevant! “Hey they think they’re better than us! They’re not better than us, therefore [insert criticism of Trump du jour] cannot logically be true! Therefore Trump is NOT a vulgar sneering demagogue, therefore he DOES deserve to be POTUS. QED.”
Of course it doesn’t hurt him that anti-Trump people prefer to belittle his supporters as ONLY racists/xenophobes/poor white trash, rather than victims of neoliberal economics who happen to lash out at scapegoats out of desperation. If they had money and healthcare and education for their kids, maybe they wouldn’t need scapegoats so much.
But it’s a vicious circle: guy is broke, feels that America has turned its back on him, blames immigrants, gets told he’s a trailer-park racist so he deserves no economic relief, gets more broke, feels more alienated from How Mericuh Used To Be, gets more mad at immigrants, etc…
It’s easy for liberals to see how stupid that is when you apply it to Dubya: Muslims attacked us, so I’ll piss the INNOCENT ONES off by racially profiling them at home and blowing them up randomly abroad, which makes them madder and more violent, which I use to justify more profiling/blowing up. But LIBERALS DO THE SAME EXACT THING TO TRUMP SUPPORTERS. And wonder why he’s still polling well. Must be because his supporters are SO stupid and red-necked they refuse to listen to reason! White-trash morons! Ha ha ha.
TL;DR: you can’t just tell Donny fans to JUST SAY NO like you were Nancy Reagan, you have to give them something to say YES to. Bernie is trying to do that, he’s said so in interviews, but Bernie fans haven’t really caught on, and we’re not helping him with our knee-jerk trailer-tin-foil bashing.
Also the other key to Donny’s appeal is the sort of reasoning you see with pop entertainers: “OK you are not rich or famous, but you can VICARIOUSLY BASK IN MY SHINE. THE MORE I SHINE, THE MORE YOU SHINE, SO HELP ME SHINE MORE, GUYS.” That makes sense in pop, which is about escapism from reality.
The other place you see that tactic is in 3d world countries like Argentina or Philipines, where the Perons or the Marcoses were popular with a lot of poor peasants, who bought the ‘you shine through me’ argument BECAUSE THEY ACCEPTED THAT THEY HAD NO SOCIAL MOBILITY.
The other place you see that is – surprise – HRC’s campaign, which distinguishes itself from Sanders’ in 2 ways:
1) ‘Sorry but in RL the government can’t solve your problems like Bernie says. That’s not gonna happen.’ (the Peron/Marcos version) but . . .
2) I’m an intersectional feminist, and I feel your pain! if I get elected, then ALL minorities get elected. (the pop-star version).
Hillary deploys both types of ‘vicarious shine’ rhetoric in place of actual policies that would help people. So the lesson is, I guess, as the American empire declines, and social mobility goes extinct, politicians try to manage our expectations by turning politics into a personality-driven, YOU WILL SHINE THROUGH ME festival.
After all if neither party cares, elections are just escapism, like pop music. and if we have all given up on trying to make ends meet, let alone that government should help us in that regard, then politics is all about personalities and narratives and momentum and that shit.2 comments
OK here’s my damn 3/6 Democratic debate report. It’s a mixture of things they really said and things I made up; hopefully my snide running commentary will help you tell which is which.
Actual Anderson Cooper on Nancy Reagan: Her strength and advocacy in the fight against Alzheimer’s and drug abuse will always be remembered. We would like to pause of a moment of silence in honor of Mrs. Reagan.
Man I wonder what Olympic gymnast they hired to perform the moral contortions required to twist that sentence into something resembling praise. Alzheimer’s, drug wars, pretty much the same thing, right?
Notional Audience member: “Hey, remember the time Nancy helped put millions of people with Alzheimer’s in jail with mandatory minimum sentences, and pumped for giving African American drug addicts full treatment?”
Fuck outta here.
Fictional Exaggerated Senator (FES) Bernie’s opening statement : If we fix Flint’s pipes, restore infrastructure generally, that’s not just saving lives, it’s making jobs. Now people say, “Oh where are you gonna get the money for your weird hippy ideas like ‘not poisoning children’, where’s the money coming from?” Uh, if you give people jobs they can pay more taxes, dumbass.
“Yeah but I don’t want my taxes paying for jobs.” I got news for you, bunghole: your taxes ALREADY ARE PAYING FOR JOBS. All those millions of low-wage full-time jobs that STILL leave the workers too poor to afford food or medicine – you’re paying for medicare and food stamps for the workers, you’re subsidizing the wealthiest fast food companies and Walmart and shit.
Fukin’ make REAL jobs cleaning shit up, instead of selling junk food and cheap plastic crap. It’s how we grew our economy for generations before ‘trickle down’ became the trend. Fuck outtaheah. It’s been 35 years of trickle-down. Hey Michigan, isn’t that enough time to decide if a theory works? Whaddaya say, Michigan? Exactly what has been trickling down onto you for 35 years?
“Where’s the money gonna come from Bernie?” (suddenly gets Scottish accent) Moan tae fook! Plus, where’s the money coming from NOW for the wars? Same rules apply, ye daft wanker. Where’s the money coming from for the bailout? Where’s the money coming from for the fucking F-15 the navy doesn’t even want? Same rules fooking well apply, mate. Where’s the money coming from for the Caribbean and Hawaiian holidays for congresspeople which we’re expected to believe are ‘work meetings’ or ‘fact finding missions?’ (without warning switches back to Brooklyn) Fuck outtaheah, there’s money for that.
And don’t forget: people who think my shit costs too much, that it’s not serious, THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKED UP YOUR WATER IN THE FIRST PLACE. “Well they didn’t pay, so they must be punished.” Brain-damaged kids bad, but debt, worse, end of story. They’re loan sharks. They may wear very tasteful suits and appear on serious networks like CNN, but they’re fuckin’ loan sharks, and what do we do to loan sharks, extortionists, leg-breakers and child-poisoners? We throw ’em in fuckin’ jail. Bernie OUT, . . . . ya wee gobshite soap-dodgers ye.”
Question from audience for Fictional Exaggerated Secretary (FES) Clinton: They tell us we can’t have clean water because our city is broke. It’s broke because jobs went overseas. Didn’t you and your husband support trade treaties like nafta, gatt, etc, that took the jobs overseas in the first place, and will take more jobs with TPP and TISA? And after sacrificing our city on the altar of neoliberalism, now you come back talmabout you’re going to help us?
Oh, and a follow-up question: eat a dick.
FES Clinton: “Good question, Nicky. You could start by paying your fucking bills. Sure, I helped send your jobs to Bangladesh, and they ain’t a-comin’ back until US sweatshops are even more shitty than Bangladeshi ones. But get a new hustle. Start a social media company. Oooooh, wait, a foundation. Start one of those. I hear they’re *cough* doing pretty well these days.”
Cooper: “Would you like to try that again, Madam Secretary?”
FES Clinton: “I feel your pain, and I dodge your question. Is that better?”
Cooper: “Yes . . . . incredibly, somehow that is the case. Fictional Exaggerated Senator Sanders? Your answer?”
FES Sanders: You see what she did there? That’s politics 101. If a president wants to NOT do something, they say ‘This issue is so important that. . . .I’ll be happy to work with congress. Yeah, that’s it. Have them write some shit and I’ll pass it.’ Because they know congress can’t or won’t do SHIT. If a president really wants to do shit, they’ll just rock an executive order, like Obama did with dream act. ‘I promise to do this specific plan and I’ll do it on my own if I have to.’ So now that I hipped you to this tactic, watch for the Secretary to use it later this very debate! Oh, the suspense!
Cooper: Fictional Senator, would you like to further belittle your opponent?
FES Sanders: Sure. I can fix your shit by taxing Wall St. But what about all the other cities which are about 5 months away from BECOMING Flint? We gotta think big to solve this. We gotta look at long term root causes instead of sound bites.
You’re poisoned because broke. Broke because jobs left. Jobs left because globalization. So the root cause is globalization, what the fictional exaggerated young lady just asked about. Your other enemy is privatization. Here’s how THAT works: City government broke because people unemployed. Unemployed don’t pay taxes. City needs money fast, sells off utilities like water to private companies, the private companies hike the rates.
They say I’LL raise taxes? Fuck outta here – you’re paying 3 times average for poison water. THAT’S a tax. But it doesn’t go to government to pay for other services like replacing lead pipes, it goes to private companies that prey on you. So you’re paying a HUGE tax, and they complain MY taxes will be too high? Such a mishegoss.
So your 2 enemies, and enemies of all the other cities teetering on brink, are globalization and privatization. Now axe yourself, America; which candidate on this stage has taken a metric fuckton CUBED of money from globalizing privatizing corporate skin-dick motherfuckers? Yeah, I said it.
Cooper: Remember, Senator, the rules to which you agreed clearly state that you must answer this question in the form of a Your Mother joke.
FES Sanders: Spending on infrastructure pays off in the form of jobs and economic growth! For instance at least 500 jobs alone can be created by stabilizing and shoring up Your Mother. Of which 100 are forklift jobs, so you might want to get certified.
Only Slightly Exaggerated Version Of Actual Cooper: Yes, my mother IS grotesquely overweight. But, what, you want big govt to help people? Isn’t this whole Flint disaster a problem created by government?
FES Sanders: Whatever you say, Mr. Daily Haircut. The government was basically steamrolled by corporate lobbyists and corporate money, they took the government over to enforce their trade deals, and now people blame the government, so they want to shrink this no-good gov’t even more, which makes it even easier for corporations to buy legislators, and it’s a vicious circle. You know this, you fake-ass albino creep.
Both candidates feeling Flint’s pain: Your city sucks in so many ways!
Audience: Yaaaaaaaaay! We have been waiting so long for someone to acknowledge us in any way, so yaaaaay.
(The Flint reporter guy looks coked-out AND Satanic.)
Also this debate is so fucking boring. It’s 23 minutes in and they’re still talking about pipes. Not racism, globalism, privatization, austerity . . . which are all super relevant, you don’t even have to stop talking about fucking Flint to talk about those. It’s just, ‘I don’t like your poison-water.’ ‘Well I don’t like it even more.’ ‘Well I double triple don’t like it.’ ‘Well I super duper to infinity don’t like it.’
COOPER: Yeah but do you like it? C’mon guys, play along. We got another 2 hours almost to fill, and I left all my other questions in my other shorts.
AUDIENCE PERSON: How will you keep jobs in America?
FES CLINTON: Three letters, honey: TPP! This sovereignty-sodomizing devil-contract will ensure our environmental and workplace-safety standards are below China, so not only will we keep some version of the jobs we already have, but also everyone from Russia to Bangladesh will be moving their factories back HERE! (begins crip-walking flagrantly)
Wait, I kind of like her real answer even better: “What Trump said. Next!”
(seriously, she basically gave a milder version of Donny’s “I’d fine corporations that move factories overseas.” Does anyone know if she was saying it before Donny started getting huge ovations for saying it?)
Also, as long as we’re taking a little break, let me say I love the dynamic of the debate, or really, the whole primary in general:
Sanders: blah blah corporate inequality ding dong taxes!
Crowd: huge applause
HRC: What he said but even MORE, but also that won’t work.
And then the day after every debate:
Pro-Clinton shill: Yeah Bernie’s so unrealistic his plan is silly.
TV host: But what about Clinton’s agreeing with him?
Shill: Oh that’s realistic because she won’t ever do it. Duhhhhh. She’s just stealing his thunder. Think about it, fucking noob.
Only Slightly Exaggerated Basically Real Clinton (hereafter referred to as OSEBR Clinton, because I’m assuming everyone is a David Foster Wallace fan and is OK with unweildly made-up acronyms): Oooh if everyone voted the way sanders voted, Detroit would never of been bailed out, and you’d lose fourty-squiventeen gakrillion biji-quillion jobs.
FES Sanders: (Dolomite voice) Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! If everyone voted the way I voted, DETROIT WOULDN’T OF LOST THE JOBS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Did you not hear just what the fuck I said about trade deals? Plus, and motherfucking also, If everyone voted the way I voted, the big 3 wouldn’t be making more money off of loans and Wall St financial scams than they are off of cars. Because Wall St would never have gotten deregulated, so the car companies would still be in the car business. And if everyone voted like me, the workers’ pay would have increased with your productivity, so you-all would be able to afford the fucking cars, thus creating demand for more jobs THAT way.
‘Voted the way I voted’, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. (Pause) Hey anyone want to see me do Seinfeld next? (Pause) How about Michael Richards?
Fun party game: obtain debate transcript online, replace every Bernie instance of “wall street” with the phrase “your mother”, read aloud in his voice. Repeat for “your grandma” “your brother” and, if guests absolutely refuse to leave, “your little sister Lou.”
OSEBR Clinton tackling the issue of her bank bailout vote, head-on: Obama made me do it. His letter was notarized. It had a shiny seal on it. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Who among us can look into our hearts and say truthfully we can turn down a shiny seal? (pause) Do it. (pause, flaring nostrils) Look deep into that bitch. Everyone. I can wait all –
Cooper: Madame secretary, we have many more-
OSEBR Clinton: (through gritted teeth) I SAID I have all night.
OSEBR Sanders: release the transcripts of speeches.
OSEBR Clinton: (makes faces in response)
a) How long did it take HRC to rehearse that shocked-but-amused exasperated half-smile? That’s a super specific expression which communicates nonverbally, “OMG can you believe this guy is still bringing up such a thoroughly debunked myth?”, and
b) How did she even get to the mental state where that strategy even OCCURRED to her as an OPTION?
Oh my GOD – now I got it! That’s where she got that oddly specific expression: it’s vintage Reagan, from his viral ‘Oh there you go again!’ soundbite. I wonder if the campaign consultant who pitched that to her explained where it was from, and in what terms did they explain it?
Fuck this marijuana I swear is making me smarter and funnier. Listening to old Looney Tunes soundtracks over the debate is not hurting, either.
FES Clinton: I totally told wall street to knock it off – I was very stern in my lecture. Like remember in the 90s when I gave black super-predators a really stern lecture instead of leading the most severe wave of hyper-incarceration this country has ever seen? Remember that?
FES CLINTON : I called for a lot of reforms. I have a RECORD. Of not pursuing any of them beyond saying vague words. I totally said some words though. Which is more than I can say for my opponent with all his ‘actions’ and ‘concrete policy proposals’ and ‘vote doing’.
Oh my god, I just got ‘SATIRE-HOUSED’. . . . her real answer was so much more fucked up than my attempts at parody. This is what Nonsatirical, Actual Clinton said:“How can campaign contributions be bad, if President Obama took more wall st money than anyone???”
Someone please put this HRC quote in the inevitable supercut of GOP debate moments where Trump and Cruz openly state that money buys votes. This debate just got a whole lot GOPpier.
OSEBR Sanders: I’ll promise if elected to send bankers the fuck to jail. Hey Clinton, you wanna copy that one too? Huh, Clinton? (begins calling her in a sing-song, “Warriors come out an play-y-y-y” voice) Cliiiiiiiiiiintonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn????
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: No bank is too big to fail. No banker too big to jail. No one too dirty to give me superpac dough in the mail. Or I guess electronic wire transfer, nowadays, but . . . in a way that rhymes, somehow. (pause) Man, fuck you, audience. This isn’t 8 mile. You’re lucky I even gave it a shot. (pause) Oh also I helped pass Dodd Frank which is the most strict anti bank law since Great Depression.
FES Sanders: Oh you passed dodd-frank, so that solves the problem? Ooh, the strictest bank regulations evaaar? Dafuq?!? Here’s how fuckin’ strict that regulation is: Barney Frank, the author, is now on the board of directors of a fucking bank. That’s how fucking strict that law was. Yeah, you know why he’s on a bank? Because he knows that his law won’t stop the government from bailing his bank out AGAIN when they or their friends crash the economy next year. (glares at Clinton) Your turn, weirdo.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: Well, if we’re gonna argue about the 90s instead of talking about the future which I’d much prefer – how the FUCK was ‘Black Sunday’ better than the self-titled first LP? Are you fu- STONED IS THE WAY OF THE WALK? I COULD JUST KILL A MAN? Fucking PIGS? That shit influenced hundreds of producers AND lyricists – who the fuck copied black Sunday?
Sanders: Mrs. Clinton-
Clinton: I’m just saying–!!!
Sanders: May I speak?
(and so on, homey)
Unreal. Actual But Kind of Paraphrased Clinton on the controversial Import-Export bank: “If we didn’t have that bank encouraging exports, we’d lose jobs here!”
Every part of that sentence has bigger balls than every other part it is a Mandelbrot of balls.
First, exactly the opposite is true, the bank exists to subsidize already-rich companies who fire American workers and move plants to China, . . . but the main balls involve ‘phrasing an ACTUAL job loss which the whole country is aware of as a HYPOTHETICAL FUTURE EVENT.’
Aspiring Satirist Pro Tip: listen to the debates with background music: both the Eraserhead soundtrack AND some vintage RZA beats work, as does the sinister noir of Bohren and Der Club of Gore.
Bernie’s hammering at the Import-Export bank issue managed to break the Oh There He Goes Again Reagan-Response Face Barrier (OTHGARRFB), thus forcing her into her emergency mode: ‘male politician no-no-ing sternly face #3’
FES Clinton: We need the gun makers to be accountable like every other industry, outside of banks . . . and insurance and . . . uh . . . .real estate . . .oh also, by ‘gun makers’ I specifically don’t and will never include all our arms exports to violent dictators. And I trust that neither Sanders or Cooper will call me on it.
Cooper: Are you worried that the audience might make the connection themselves, unprompted?
FES Clinton: Do they fucking EVER??
Cooper: I withdraw the question, Madam Secretary.
FES Clinton: (addressing audience) Jesus, did you hear what this guy said? He thought you might be able to make the connection yours- what a dweeb!!
Audience: Ha ha, fucking dweeb. You’re out of your mind if you think we can connect our domestic gun industry and all the tragedies it causes with our weapons exporting, more weapons sold than any other country, and the global tragedies that THAT causes.
San Bernadino Shooter Watching From Jail or Hell Or Wherever: But – but our rampage PROVES the two were linked: the carnage caused by American arms in the Middle East radicalized us, and the domestic arms industry made it easy for us to get revenge on you guys. You could NOT find a clearer example of how the two forms of carnage undeniably feed off of each other, causing blowback at home, so why do you only exclusively mourn one form?
Actual Mohammed: Man fuck you. I mean you’re right about THAT, but still, I didn’t authorize any of your fucked up violence, so fuck you, you little putz.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Sanders: If you hold manufactures liable for shootings of innocent people then there will be NO gun makers in America.
small devil-version of Sanders who appears in puff of smoke on Left shoulder, screeching: Yeah, and if you stop selling guns, then schoolchildren will stop getting shot the fuck up. Would you want to live in THAT world? Fuckin’ think things through next time, Anderson!
(Jesus. That was on par with anything in a GOP debate)
(But Hillary fans also should take note: you see how specific her ‘make manufacturers and sellers liable for murders committed with their guns’ policy was? You see how she didn’t just say ‘I have a plan on my website!’? You see how she actually made a firm loop-hole-free commitment to which she could be held accountable once elected? You see the difference between that and all her normal, ‘I feel your pain’-type answers? THIS is what a politician sounds like when they actually WANT to do something. When they finally finally finally found an issue where the thing that they want coincides with what their donors will let them do if elected. )
Hillary gives her first convincing speech of the evening, about NRA lobbying shenanigans, but queefs the ending by saying ‘no other industry in America is so unaccountable!’ Which must put a sly chuckle on the faces of her backers as they watch the debate on 3d hologram vision , which is being projected 10 feet tall onto a green mist, which emanates from a grotesquely huge, burning pile of benjamins. Inside a pentagram, duh.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: Imagine how it must feel to be a parent sending your child off to school with a little backpack and a hand drawn ‘I love you’ note inside a old-fashioned brown paper lunch bag full of a mother’s love, and the next thing you hear is that someone was on a rampage shooting up your darling child’s school. And you know who that someone is? He’s been . . . he’s been STANDING RIGHT BESIDE ME ALL ALONGGGGGGGGG AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
FES Clinton on criminal justice / racial pandering: We have to end mass incarceration. Less penalties. Fuck it, you can sell weed right here on the stage. Yeah, come on up here. Somebody gonna sell you weed. Just don’t forget to give a puff to the secret service. They won’t lay a hand on you if they’re high. Fuck it. Come and do all kind of crimes up here. Stab a bitch, I don’t care. You want to see if I’ve really changed since the 90s, here it is, America. (woman runs in front of HRC chasing purse-snatcher, Hillary trips her, hella joints come flying out the woman’s fingers, etc)
Cooper: You’re making a mockery out of this spectacle! Madam Secretary please!
Don Lemon, of all people: Clinton, what racial blind spots do you have?
FES Clinton: (consults notes) I just can’t fucking stand Peruvians. I’ve tried to give them a chance, broaden my horizons and so on – but those flutes and terrible little hats? How can you be that flaming at that altitude? There’s practically no fucking oxygen. It defies physics as well as morality. Oh but also Eskimos. (sotto voice, to Bernie) I mean, Eskimos? Please.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: When I was in law school, I had the opportunity to meet a visionary woman, named Mary Right Adelman, who worked with Dr. King who was the first African-American woman who passed the Mississippi bar. I asked her for a job. . . The first thing she did was send me to look at South Carolina, to investigate juveniles being sent to adult jails.
tiny she-devil appearing on CLINTON’s shoulder, screeching: So I went there, and I decided, hey! That’s a great way to get them to heel. Then I told my husband about it in time for his crime bill.
REGULAR BUT FICTIONAL CLINTON: (facepalm)
TINY SHE-DEVIL: Wait, what were we bragging about, again?
FES Clinton: Let’s not forget to repeatedly mention my experiences working for the Children’s Defense Fund, which has given me so, so much – literally decades of political capital, and let me get away with advocating shit that immiserated lots of families, which I would not of been able to get away with otherwise, naamean.
Also, as per Don Lemon, apparently both candidates’ racial blindspots are ‘races other than black.’
That would have been amazing if Lemon blindsided them by having a Mongolian- or an Apache- or fuck it a Malagasy-American (someone from Madagascar) ask that question, so the candidates’ pre-rehearsed “Feeling The Pain Of The Struggling Black Woman In Police State Amerikkka” talking points wouldn’t work.
Seriously I can’t even begin to imagine them spontaneously freestyling a “Mongol-American Pandering” rap, but I bet it would be rad: “A goat in every pot, a Ger in every garag- wait, that defeats the purpose of a Ger. Uh, a goat in ever Ger, wait, are goats outside animals? uh, a garage in every goat. OK I’ll go with that. Garage in every g- you know what, can we fucking move on Anderson? Are you done mocking me? My opponent can have the Mongol-American vote, don’t say I never did you any favors. Goats, Jeez.”
Hillary’s answer to the ‘do you regret using superpredator?’ question was a fucking masterpiece. She didn’t so much dodge it as Matrix out of the way in super slow motion. She started off facing it directly, and the camera angle kept changing subliminally slow, so by the time she’s facing away from the bullet, it looks like that was her original position all along. . . . . Is how a high guy would describe that situation.
Here is the entire, real, answer.
CLINTON: Well, I was speaking about drug cartels and criminal activity that was very concerning to folks across the country. I think it was a poor choice of words, I never used it before, I haven’t used it since, I would not use it again.
Because my whole life, to go back to what I was saying to Mr. Mcgee, is, you know, really, ever since I went to work for the Children’s Defense Fund, is to try to figure out ways to even the odds for people that are left out and left behind.
And I know very well that we have too many kids in our country right now who are living in poverty, who are going to schools like the ones in Detroit that have mold and rodents in them. I saw that in South Carolina. It’s unfortunately across America. So what we have got to do is provide more opportunities earlier in the lives of every child.
That’s why I believe in supporting families, early childhood education, universal pre-kindergarten, help kids be successful. And here is Flint, we’ve got to do more to mitigate against the effects of lead, because too many kids are having the experiences I’ve been told about, where they’re falling back in school, where they are having headaches because of the lead exposure.
LEMON: Thank you.
(Later, after Bernie talks some shit)
Cooper, giving Clinton the chance to respond: “Secretary Clinton, you were invoked.”
Dude, that is some dog-whistle satanic shit right there. Invoked?
(Detroit reporter guy sniffs a line and smirks knowingly.)
Clinton (drops smoke bomb, triggers green gels in the spotlights, hits ‘pitch shift’ button on microphone) WHO HAST SUMMONED HILLKOR, THE BRINGER OF HEELS???
Sanders’ answer to the ‘should we be able to fire bad teachers?’ question is even worse than his gun control answer:
Let’s pretend you asked about free college? Do I want that? Yes, absolutely I do, (pause for applause) . . . so your children can fail out of it after they’ve been mis-educated by some incompetent psycho dead-eyed bullying burnout that is absolutely unfireable! (pause for more applause)
Don lemon: So which one of you is more racist? Seriously, which one? No answer? OK, we got other ways of settling this. Can you try these hoods on for size and we’ll just see ‘who wears it better’?
Real Verbatim Clinton on fracking: You know, I don’t support it when any locality or any state is against it, number one. I don’t support it when the release of methane or contamination of water is present. I don’t support it — number three — unless we can require that anybody who fracks has to tell us exactly what chemicals they are using.
FES Clinton: I don’t support it on a boat. I do not support it in a moat. I do not support it on a funicular. I do not support it, even if a historical analysis of my policies, uh, ummm . . . makes you think-i-were.
(pause) Shout-out Jasiri X!
Side-note: The intensity of Audience applause when Cooper finally breaks media taboo on global warming makes him nervous: “Could it be we pundits are about of step with the people? Or is this applause some freak fluke of a coinky-dink?”
FES Clinton, on clean energy: If elected I promise I will generate enough ‘alternative energy’ to fully 100% power the pipeline funneling me oil industry money.
When cooper actually asks HRC a hard question which is un-dodge-ably specific in its phrasing, her flustered denial has Bernie making THE BEST Alfred E. Neuman smirk, which with blinding speed, evolves into a series of Larry David faces, which I’m not familiar enough with his work to more thoroughly categorize. I just don’t find him funny. Maybe to sit next to on a plane, why not? But on TV, no.
The question in uh question:
COOPER: On the campaign trail, Senator Sanders often refers to (your) fundraiser in January that was hosted by executives from a firm that has invested significantly in domestic fracking. Do you have any comment on that?
Real Clinton: (blah blah blah I respect Bernie) . . . and I just want to make one point. You know, we have our differences. And we get into vigorous debate about issues, but compare the substance of this debate with what you saw on the Republican stage last week.
Fucking WOW. Another Mandelbrot Balls maneuver from HRC. Appeals to a shared disgust at the ‘insubstantial’ level of the GOP debate AS A TECHNIQUE FOR DODGING A SUBSTANTIAL QUESTION. That is some 4th-dimensional-Vulcan-chess levels of shadiness. I ain’t even mad. And the audience loves it!
Finally, we’re to the Boss Level of debates: The Jesus Round.
CRAZY CHRISTIAN LADY: Senator sanders. you are in fact Jewish are you not? Do you admit it?
FES Sanders: Are you fucking serious? Is that a way to ask a question?!?
Cooper, leading chant: OK audience, repeat after me, ‘SAAAAAAAAYYY IT! SAAAAAAAAYYYY IT! SAAAAAAAYYYY IT! JEW! JEW! JEW!’
FES Sanders: I’m proud to be Jewish, because one of our core teachings goes like, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘nothing says ‘pride’ like being bullied into admitting something reluctantly.’ Also, Holocaust.
Cooper: OK, crazy church lady. You also have a question for secretary Clinton? Or have you already done enough to set our party back decades?
CRAZY CHRISTIAN LADY: Do I want to pass up an opportunity to humiliate a second candidate? Was that even a real question, Anderson? (turns to Fictional Exaggerated Secretary Clinton) Maam, we’ve just heard senator Sanders admit to having the horns of the wily Jew, now do you admit to wearing the horns of the cuckold? And, if so, since you both have horns, why are you fighting? (pause) Aren’t you on the same team, in some basic, ontological . . . Oh man (puffs greedily on absurdly thick jay)
Like, what if you stopped debating, like, verbally, and did like a rocky mountain goat thing, you know, a head-butt competition. With your respective morally odious horns. All CRACKOW.
How awesome would that sound over this boss sound system. Oh MAN. (pauses to regard jay) This is good shit. Thanks for letting me score on stage by the way, (pauses to exhale smoke in form of crucifix) you cuckold.
(Rips off mask to reveal sarah palin, activates jetpack, grins manically while blasting through roof hollering wacky, Woody Woodpecker-type mocking laugh.)
Oh shit, oh fuck ME. Once again the actual question is even better than my feeble satire:
REAL CHRISTIAN LADY: To whom or for whom do you pray?
FES Clinton: I submit to the will of almighty and tyrannical Molkor the Magnificent, Molkor the Terrifying, Maker of the Soulblade, Ruler of the Purple Pantsuit, Eternal Unseen Launderer of Foundation Slushfunds! AIEE EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! OI! OI! OI!
FES Sanders: Uh-oh! (pause for yuks) Spoiler alert!
(actually, again, real life is even weirder: Camera is lurching left and right during her answer, which it never did at any time before or after, as if cameraperson is wasted, or perhaps shaking their head ‘no no no’)
Interestingly, surprisingly, Clinton’s answer to Crazy Christian Lady . .. is identical to her answer to her ‘how can you feel a black man’s pain’ answer, both in syntax and in general discomfort. Discomfort so much evident in facial expression or faintness of voice, but evident in a retreat to very abstract and legalistic language.
(I guess it’s an improvement over how Dubya would just stutter and be simply unable to muster any kind of syntax when the subject was not of interest to him, as if only the most exciting supercool stuff in the world was worth the mind-bending effort of accomplishing syntax. Fuck I am perceptive as ducknuts over here.)
Oh my god, I know why her answer is so uncomfortable: she’s treating the supreme being as another constituency to be vaguely pandered to and placated without any specific policy promises. “Jehovah, I feel your pain at your crucifixion, and I promise to definitely form a committee to look in to the matter . . . .if congress should approve said committee, (stares resolutely into middle distance) I just do hope they won’t politicize it.”
God (watching from Heaven): (turns to Mohammed) Soon as she wins, she gonna forget me. You’ll see.
FES Clinton on Christian humility: Humility is definitely an attribute that some humans have, and I have had experts repeatedly advise me that this is a true concept, so I consider myself fully appraised of the value of it.
Any other probing moral questions designed to promote insights and self-awareness? Because my advisors all tell me I’m super good at that.
OK, I’m off to be humble at a $10,000-a-plate fundraiser dinner at Michael Bloomberg’s 4-dimensional hover-mansion.
(begins to teleport directly there somehow)
“SUCK MY DIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii……..
LIBERAL NEWS FAILS
The new Michael Moore film reminded me of a misgiving I’ve been having for awhile now. Because, while not in his top 3, this is the second film where he actually goes abroad to see how other countries deal with problems we have here in America. But nobody else does that! Why?
It’s weird how even liberal, anti-patriotism, international-looking news outfits (your Democracy Nows and so forth) don’t care how other countries solve problems. Like they only care about other countries when something awful happens that they can blame on USA.
(which itself is a weird form of American Exceptionalism – this idea that the CIA did bad stuff, so therefore if ANYTHING bad happens, it’s because the USA is behind it, or supports it, or whatever. Like we’re the only country capable of fucking shit up)
(“Oh the Egyptian dictator or the Ukranian militias are backed by Washington – therefore those guys are our total puppets, we’re 100% to blame if anyone over there so much as scrapes their knee, and if we hadn’t interfered, the dictators and militias would doubtless deal with internal dissent by taking away snacks.” – I mean, they don’t say that outright, but that’s how they cover things).
So that’s always bugged me, but with this crazy 2016 election, All-Trump-All-The-Time media environment, it’s even more important that we look at other countries. Because, while Americans have spent the last 3 months trying to pick up our collective jaws off the friggin’ floor, banana republics have for decades had a ‘wacky strongman-with-some-kind-of-theatrical-gimmick’ as a standard category of politician. Not just in Presidential elections – but in local or Mayoral elections as well. So they’re ahead of us. They have a lot to teach us about how that shit works, and what to expect.
But patriotic Americans don’t like to admit what we’re turning into, and ultra-liberals don’t like talking about third world countries unless it’s a ‘poor brown victims of American Imperialism’ angle.
And since it looks like the shocks and surprises are going to keep coming, maybe some news outfit should try to stop REACTING and get AHEAD OF THE GAME by talking to some banana republic journalists, and giving them a chance to explain what America’s future is going to look like. Send correspondents to the Philippines, Peru, I dunno . . . Nigeria? Anywhere politics is flamboyant and theatrical. (pro tip: start with Catholic countries) Anywhere people campaign for local dog-catcher wearing cop-shades and fake medals. Find out ALL the gimmicky, crackpot candidates, and the various strategies they use, and make a database. Available on the internet.
Whether liberal or conservative, whether white or Black, native-born Americans are used to thinking of banana republic elections as nothing but exercises in mindless violence and deathsquads, but that’s just the national elections. They do propaganda and ads and slogans and scapegoating and infantilizing of voters over there, too. And while a lot of those third-world wacky-strongman-with-gimmick tactics wouldn’t translate to a high-tech USA media environment, a lot of those WOULD.
In fact, I’m – you know what, fuck it.
My kids need college money. I’ma start my own political consultancy firm for forward-looking American politicians. For a flat fee, I’ll let you subscribe to my newsletter that details all the banana-republic election gimmicks (from the last 40 years!) that, as America declines, will start to be frighteningly relevant.
For extra money (the Gold Member level), I’ll sell you a database that outlines which gimmicks from across the third world can be adapted to social media and cable news, which will save you the trouble of weeding out all the crap gimmicks I sold to the suckers who only wanted the basic package.
And of course at the Platinum level, I’ll personally instruct you on HOW to adapt those gimmicks to our American new-media environment. Sorry everyone, I’ll make the world a shittier place, but if I don’t do it, some TRULY evil mother WILL, and then I’ll be cut out of the moolah loop.No comments
Goddamn it, you people! This could be the last free election before the whole system collapses from internal rot and corruption, and you’re just giving these states to Hillary?
Let me tell you something, my friends: THIS WHOLE CORRUPT SYSTEM you’re so outraged about IS YOUR OWN FAULT. It ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
Who kept voting for politicians who gave your jobs away, put your kids in jail, cut funding to your schools, allowed the NSA to read your mail, legalized a million ways for Wall St. to prey on you, and sent your kids out on a million bullshit wars THAT YOU CHEERED ON???? That was YOU guys.
And now you turn around and blame ‘corrupt Washington politicians’?!?!? FUCK you.
How could you POSSIBLY AND FOR DECADES not realize it’s your fault?
Oh yeah, because the GOP isn’t going to openly say, “You fucking idiots, keep cutting your own throats hahahahahaha!” . . . and we reformers are so desperate for any help, that the LAST thing we want to do, is alienate you crappified fence-sitting morons by pointing out your own complicity. So now, I gotta kiss your ass and pander to you, as you sit blissfully in your high chair, spilling your juice all over the place, blaming EVERYONE ELSE????
You hold our feet to the fire for every tiny gaffe, every tiny human mistake, you make jokes about our hair and hand gestures, while THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE VOTING THE BIGGEST ASSHOLES INTO OFFICE AGAIN AND AGAIN. So who made the REAL gaffe, fuckers?
“Hey I voted for a guy that locked up more people than the Chinese government while taking huge bribes from Big Oil, I voted for that guy for 12 years, but WHOA, THAT POLITICIAN SAID A CURSE WORD, man I’m embarrassed for THAT guy. Sucks to be him!”
KISS MY ASS, AMERICA.
What, you thought I was going to drop the mic? I’m just getting warmed up. Turn the stove off, this is gonna take awhile.
Not only are you the most un-self-aware, hypocritical, irresponsible, low-information, judgmental-about-all-the-wrong-shit bunch of halfwits in the history of Democracy, but YOU’RE STILL DOING IT.
Even after I hipped you to the game, you’re STILL FUCKING DOING IT.
Because, you hear that?
That’s the sound of 90% of my fans switching to HRC simply because I told you the truth and you didn’t want to fucking hear it.
Great, the 2016 election is gonna turn out realllllll well for you people, you’ll get exactly what you deserve. Feh!
(drops mic)No comments
THE IRONY of MSM giving trump a free platform for months (i.e. how he never had to buy ads because the MSM gave him so much free time out of sheer sarcasm) and then going “aaah he’s winning?”.
I guess in their big, sophisticated, irony-filled Coastal Elite world, it was possible to explain their unlimited Trump-time as ‘hate-watching’ (i.e. ‘we’re just letting people see him for the buffoon he is!’) (but why not also let viewers ‘hate-watch’ Sanders?) . . . . but in middle America it was free publicity. The MSM’s own ‘ad revenues for our shareholders at all costs’ business model wound up biting them on their ass and electing a dork that their own shareholders can’t stand.
But at least we shareholders got those sweet dividends! I’m picturing a short film about some sharp investor who bought so much stocks in MSM companies that she can use those dividends to escape il Donny’s America and live in Monaco full time. I mean that’s what the super-rich are already doing, with regards to OTHER ‘externalities’ of their corporate holdings (climate change? No problem! Buy a swiss chalet! Pollution? Only poors drink tap water! Police brutality? Not with my personal security guard team!).
Come to think of it, il Donny’s whole campaign is an externality of a ratings-and-entertainment-driven ‘news’ system. He’s ‘ENTERTAINMENT POLLUTION’.
Let’s take a broader look at the concepts of ‘hate watching’ and ‘hater management’ and ‘my entire goddamn brand is I’m the person you love to hate’. It’s bigger than politics – for example, you also get that with Kanyaay and his his Armenian friends. ( if they had been famous in the ‘70s their show would be called The Big Sulker and His Ethnic Family Companions Comedy Variety Hour).
Ever since Geraldo, hate-watching has gotten more sophisticated and ‘balanced’ (i.e. the perfect reality program for a while has been something where people who hate so-and-so are just as likely to tune in as people who love so-and-so, just as likely to water-cooler-anecdote so-and-so’s antics, and most importantly, just as likely to assume that the producers of the show share their own views about so-and-so). As a business model, hate-watching makes perfect sense: you can double your audience size without finding a main character that more people like. Free money ,baby!
So it’s no coincidence that Trump came out of that ‘scene’: in the heavily spin-doctored realm of politics, even the slightest gaffe is a huge deal, but in reality-tv-land, the ability to make a memorable and offensive gaffe is what separates the wanna-bes from the pros. The funny thing is, he’s a hair away from winning the nomination AND WE’RE ALL STILL JUDGING HIM BY THE MORE LENIENT RULES OF REALITY-TV.
Which leads to the obvious question: in a world that’s pretty much forgotten the difference between ‘good attention’ and ‘bad attention,’ how much of Donny/Kanyaay/???’s crazy is them saying dumb shit they don’t even believe just to keep their internet mentions (or whatever they call it) high? Are ‘stars’ being motivated to be even more dickish because they need the haters?
And now on to the less-obvious question:. . . is it even POSSIBLE anymore for even the most famous individuals to get the amount of general across-the-board love that a JFK/ Marylin / Zero Mostel type got back in the 60s?
Is the only way to get that kind of recognition today to encourage haters, start a bunch of dumb shit for no reason, and act crazy? could media icons of the ‘good old days’ like Monroe, Joe DiMAggio, etc, pull half the numbers of a Tump or a Kanyay, without ‘doubling their ratings’ by recruiting millions of haters?
Put more apocalyptically, if a certain percentage of entertainers/politicians/media figures double their fame by encouraging hate-watchers, how long until EVERYONE has to do that, just to keep up with the arms race? and if everyone’s doing it, doesn’t that make us all contemptible opportunistic arrogant assholes?
The metric changed! They don’t measure how loved you are but how much you’re ‘driving traffic’ or ‘trending’ on ‘social media’ – no distinction between Yay! And Boo! Responses. The only way to rebel is to ignore them.
Ignore them and listen to Slayer.
This election got me so hyperactive I’m making a twitter just to live-tweet debates with my particular style of caustic analytics, which I call caustalitics. Wait, no, analticks. Fuck, that should have been my handle. But instead my handle is
Anyway if you forgive me for selling out, please tell a friend.