Tokyo Damage Report


It all comes down to responsibility. If I like you, I can’t just mope in a corner, feeling sorry for myself, and hoping you will come up and start talking. . . I have a responsibility to ask you out. if I’m rejected, I have a responsibility to be a god damn gentleman about it. I can’t start phoning you at 3 AM calling you a tease or demanding a recount.

But you have a responsibility too! you have to handle the rejection properly. And make no mistake, there is a right and a wrong way to handle a rejection. If you fuck up the rejection, and I start calling you at 3 AM, it IS your fault.

So therefore, let me present THE HOME DESPOT RULES OF REJECTION.

Obviously the first rule is, don’t reject at all if you can help it.

If you’re single you should at least try to date the victim. At the worst you get a free meal, and you never have to see them again. At best, maybe you’ll find out something surprising and cool about them on the date! Maybe they’re not at all like you think. . . . so why should they pay the price for your ignorant assumptions? Just go on the date, and ask a bunch of rude, interesting, dishy questions to see if your assumptions are correct! So if someone asks you out, ask yourself a simple question: "If I was asking out the person of MY dreams, would I prefer that they give me a chance, or would I prefer that they just snub me?"

If you can’t bring yourself to answer this question honestly, we move on to rule #2.

Be polite but direct. Direct as in, ‘no. sorry, no. never.’ Because if you try to be nice and say something like ‘not right now,’ they’re just going to ask again later. So that wastes your time and wastes their time too. if they keep asking you out in the months that follow, DON’T blame them for being ‘unable to take a hint.’ If they’re asking you to dinner or dancing, they are being straight-up with you. If you’re not being straight-up back, you’re not taking responsibility and YOU’RE the lame one, not them.

Maybe it seems scary to directly say no. But remember if you say ‘never!’ and they get mad, it’s not your fault because you were straight up. It is THEIR fault for not being a gentleman. So who cares what they say?? Besides, most people actually PREFER an outright ‘no’ to being strung along. Because an outright ‘no’ lets them get along with their lives. So your victim might not be as hostile as you think!!

Which brings me to rule 3:

There are 3 main types. You can reject someone in a positive style, a negative style, or you can negotiate.

THE POSITIVE STYLE makes you look like a ‘romantic or good person’ for rejecting your victim. For example: ‘sorry but I’m so deeply in love with someone else I’ll go to my grave a virgin rather than give up on this incredibly romantic crush of mine’. The advantage of this is, your victim can’t yell at you for being a dick. On the bad side, they’ll probably like you more than ever for being so pure and good.

NEGATIVE STYLES are things like, ‘NO. you’re fat. You’re too short. ‘ the drawback of this is they might think you’re a superficial arrogant asshole. But on the good side, this probably means that your victim will not have a crush on your superficial ass anymore.

NEGOTIATION; this is when you tell the honest truth and say something like, ‘I’d date you if you got rid of that hideous haircut, stopped listening to trip=hop because it’s shite, and would it kill you to use deodorant?’ This is the most difficult of the three. But honestly, it’s the best option. Sure you’re dissing your victim, but unlike options 1&2, you’re offering something in return: you’re offering information that will help him get dates later on-not just with you, but with anybody!


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