Tokyo Damage Report

Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice is in some Dungeons and Dragons-like scenario. I am not in the scene but am watching it somehow; like it’s a dream of his and I’m just eavesdropping on it. He’s in an underground, dark mass of tunnels, with a torch but no sword, walking around. He’s just discovered he can avoid the monsters on the dungeon floor by using some kind of magic power to walk upside down on the roof instead. Unfortunately, he finds himself surrounded by half-a-dozen monsters that look like dark green women covered with bright red octopus-like suckers about 2 inches in diameter, all over their bodies and heads. These monsters spread-eagle themselves on the roof and use their suckers to move around without falling. They are naked but don’t have any nipples, genitals or faces.

Totally surrounded, taken by surprise and outnumbered, the clever Ice uses the traditional "Briar patch" ploy and says "Oh, thank God, you’ve come to kill me at last!! I have been impregnated with a demon’s egg in my penis and when it hatches it will explode out of my dick like "Alien" and I’ve been too chicken to take my own life, but now you can put me out of my misery…. just, whatever you do, don’t throw me down to the floor and leave me to my horrible fate!! Oh, please no, that would be worse than death, boo hoo." So most of the roof-dwelling monsters throw him to the floor and he’s chuckling to himself when one lone creature comes walking up to him saying "I take pity on you….I want to help." and Vanilla Ice gets all nervous and goes "Uh… thanks really…. uh… I’d better be getting along to the next dungeon… things to do…. thanks anyway." and is trying to make a break for it when she grabs him and insists on helping: "I could suck this egg out of your penis. I am a sucker, after all" and he can’t really argue with that.

She throws him to the stone floor and takes off his pants. In a feeble attempt to ward off the inevitable interspecies blowjob, he asks if she can handle 22 inches. But she calls his bluff and starts licking his little deal . Which, amazingly, does grow to this freakish length. About this time, the dream has gradually switched from Ice’s POV to the monster’s POV, and I experience the blowjob from both sides simultaneously. Later, I eventually ‘become’ the monster and am licking the penis but it’s not really fun anymore cus my mouth is too dry to lick. I need to get a glass of water. It seems the most natural thing in the world to leave the D&D porno and go ‘up one level’ to my ‘real-life’ body to get the water.

Looking around me, I see I’m in my parents’ bedroom, and the porno has taken the form of a simple magazine on my parents’ bed. I’m on my way to the bathroom to get the water, still idly stroking my own penis, when I tear it off. Oops. Horrifyingly, a totally average, mild stroke has ripped most of the penis off halfway down the shaft, leaving it hanging by maybe a quarter inch of flesh. Like tearing a sheet of wet toilet tissue. No blood or even pain except the pain of realizing what I’ve done. Then I hear the front door, my parents are home. I run around, going "Oh, shit!" trying to hold my penis together with one hand and picking up the D&D Vanilla Ice porn with my other hand, pulling on a pair of long underwear.

Just as soon as I’ve got everything tucked away, my parents bust in all happy: "Steven!! You’ve got some mail!" and it’s yet another rejection slip from UC Santa Cruz. Then they notice I’m in their room and even though I have to explain that I was masturbating and I broke my penis, thanks to my timely hiding of the evidence, I can fudge the explanation a bit and claim that I just went in their room looking for some first aid stuff. And Mom is like "How terrible! A broken penis! Let me see!" and I’m like, "Hell, no!" We go round like that for a while and then dad comes up with two band aids. I’m like, "I tore my dick clean off and you’re going to offer me two band aids??" but lacking anything better, put them on.

I apply them outside my long underwear so I don’t have to strip in front of my folks. I put them on while holding my penis out sideways, and place them so they’re going perpendicular to the rip, helping take the pressure off the lone quarter inch wide strip of flesh that connects the two halves. But the pressure of the band-aids encircling the penis makes it start to get hard again. This is bad news because if it gets erect it won’t fit under the band-aids any longer. It will buckle and contort. The dream ends with me trying to not get a hard-on which would surely rip the remaining shred of flesh apart, severing the penis altogether.

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