Tokyo Damage Report

Akihabara hentai field trip.

Then I went to Akihabara which is famous for its computer gizmos, but SHOULD be famous for its INSANE PORNOGRAPHY.

J.G. BALLARD is a famous british author. He wrote EMPIRE OF THE SUN and CRASH, which became big movies. He also wrote CONCRETE ISLAND, HIGHRISE, ATROCITY EXHIBITION, and tons of other demented, underground books. He’s basically like Prince (if Prince were a nerdy English grandfather obsessed with the Apocolypse) : he can pull a super-mega-platinum hit album out of his ass without even trying, but normally he does poorly selling underground stuff because he just feels like it.

Anyway, one of my favorie Ballard qotes goes something like this : "the most extreme perverted pornography is so strange it doesn’t even LOOK like pornography anymore." I haven’t run into Ballard’s example of a porn magazine entirely full of pictures of dishwashing machines . . . . but in Tokyo I’ve found stuff that’s ALMOST that weird.

the ‘catfight’ genre of videos has become so popular, it’s spawned (heh) a vast array of SUB-GENRES: you can get sexy girl sumo wrestlers, WWF-style wrestling with flashy costumes and trash talk, or very serious women , who you’d swear are doing legitimate, Olympic-style wrestling until the pants come off. you can get very techinal, authentic wrestling, or just bitch-slapping street fights. You can get anime costumes or just regular casual clothes, or violent schoolgirls, or Andy Kaufman-style woman-vs-man wrestling, where the losing guy gets penetrated. You have your pick of endings too: the loser gets KO’ed, or the loser gets stripped, or the classic ‘lesbian battle’ where the wrestling turns into something else entirely.

You can also go to LIVE performances, if your VCR is broken. . . .The Japanese catfight scene (according to the manager) started about 10 years ago, when all night erotic theatre performances might occasionally set aside half an hour for a bout. But, about 3 years ago, it became popular enough to warrant entire evenings of catfighting, and even a cable-tv show dedicated to the subject! A given performance might cost $35, last 3 hours, and feature a half-dozen fights in various different styles of fighting and costume.

In fact, catfighting isn’t even the only combat-porn genre here !!: there are ALSO x-rated versions of ULTRAMAN, where women in anime costumes (and sometimes giant plastic ‘anime style’ masks with oversize eyes and tiny mouths) who fight ‘villains’ and get ‘taken prisoner.’ And videos of ‘giant women’ trampling on Little Green Army Guys, or (in one memorable tape) trampling on plastic models of the U.S. Senate and White House!!

Of course they have American style Crush/trample videos too, and English style Splosh videos (where people have sex covered in food, or where a well-dressed, elegant woman gets pushed into a vat of food). But in a typically Japanese fashion, they’ve taken Splosh and made it much more formalized, ritualized, and less Benny Hill: women get ‘painted’ systematically over their body with monochromatic syrups.

but the real surprise was the SWIMMING porn: . but what’s amazing is that it looks nothing like porn!! it’s just some lady in a business suit sitting in a swimming pool !!!

other ‘is it even porn anymore??’ videos include: close-ups of women eating and brushing their teeth (using totally gynecological closeup cameras), women cleaning their ears with q-tips, women giving each other wedgies FOR 60 MINUTES, And some video where one schoolgirl puts an old pervert in a full nelson, forcing his head onto a school desk, and another schoolgirl just spits on him for an hour. Ptoo! And finally, videos of girls wearing the famous Loose Socks, walking around in mud until their socks are all dirty.

Oh, that last video was from the foot-fetish store downstairs. And you know how trendy girls used to all wear 18 cm platform heels like 4 years ago? Did you ever wonder where all the used boots went after the trend was over? Well, now you know.

Next to the footfetish store was the ‘sports’ store. You can buy lots of schoolgirl gym shorts (I didn’t ask if they were new or used), and also videos of some woman playing tennis. It’s a fully-clothed, fully educational tennis ‘how to’ video, except for one thing: the camera angle. The REALLY LOW camera angle. Oh, and it also instructs the viewer on how to put on the uniform. Plus, they had polaroids of actual cheerleaders, taken at actual football games, caught in the middle of a high-kick, with their eyes blacked out by magic marker. That’s kind of messed up, but they ARE cheerleaders so they deserve no sympathy. Except the one lady whose team was apparently called ‘THE ELVES’. Ouch.


 

OCTOBER 1 2003

i went to Akihabara (where else) for PERVERT FIELD TRIP #2:

though they wouldn’t let me take photos in the store, i can assure you that they had the following items:

STOMP/CRUSH videos: far from being a broadway musical, the ‘stomp’ genre is widely believed to be started by a lone nut in southern california, who made homemade videos of women in heels crushing insects. now, ten years later, the CRUSH industry has moved up . . . you can buy videos with a staggering array of things getting sqooshed, pulverized, broken, trampled and smooshed. the best one i saw was. . .some japanese lady CRUSHING AN AIBO. i’ll just repeat that ; CRUSHING A FUCKING AIBO.

oh, plus some other video of a white lady (in shoes) crushing a live 2 foot lobster. the most problematic part of this video was the fine print at the top: apparently it’s just a small part of something called the ‘LARGE CRUSTACEAN SERIES.’ jeebus.

also, they had REVERSE BUKKAKE videos . . .where a bunch of women spit into a bowl and then dump it over a guy’s head. Plus , oh yeah, X-RATED ULTRAMAN. can’t forget x-rated ultraman.

( i am SO PISSED that i don’t have photos, but soon i promise i will have a link to the website)

after that, i figured, OK, i’ve exhausted the weirdness potential of East Tokyo, so i can relax now.

wrong.

because, waiting for me on the main street was a brand new club, called SMOKERS’ STYLE

it’s like a cofee shop, but no cofee. and no food. and no alcohol. just smoking.

i was like, ‘Waitaminnit. . .that can’t be all there is to this joint.’ so i went in (through the airlock triple-door lobby) and IMMIDIATELY got high from all the nicotene in the atmosphere. Picture a the scent of ,say, a bus terminal, combined with a casino. it was like that. i felt like tapping the patrons on the shoulder and screaming ‘DUDE!! this is the LAST PLACE ON EARTH where you need to LIGHT A CIGARETTE in order to get nicotene in your lungs!! YOU ARE TOTALLY WASTING THAT CIGARETTE!!’ basically SMOKERS is just a bunch of people smoking. not talking to each other, not reading, just smoking. i have no idea how they make money. do they bill people. . . by the minute? by the lung?? no clue.

what makes the whole thing even more preposterous is that THIS ISN’T CALIFORNIA. there is NO stigma attached to smoking in Tokyo. my friend from Taiwan said people here smoke even more than Chinese dudes. So exactly what sets this room apart from the other 99% of Tokyo where everyone smokes ANYWAY?

THESE SUPER HIGH TECH FILTERS BUILT INTO EVERY TABLE is what.

ok.

after that i was just wandering around in a daze, figuring, OK, NOW i have exhausted the weirdness potential of East Tokyo.

dumbass!

right after saying these Famous Last Words, i wander into a very average-seeming video arcade and find myself suddenly face to face with THE MOST TROUBLING UFO CATCHER.

remember the article I did on UFO CATCHERS? Those arcade games where you operate a mechanical arm and then fail to grab a stuffed animal or candy? Well, in Akihabara there’s guess what? A UFO CATCHER where you fail to grab a SCHOOL GIRL UNIFORM why not. This is one of those total Yakov Smirnov moments where I just have to shake my head and go, ‘what a country!’

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