Tokyo Damage Report

catfight three: with serious mobsters

Today my homey takes me to another catfight. Some American reporter guy tags along. He’s interesting-he totally interviewed fucking TAKASHI MURAKAMI but doesn’t want to talk about it. Bah. Maybe it’s because I was ribbing him about, ‘is this catfight ‘research’ for an ‘article?”

The fight was pretty weird though. .. . it was kind of violent. One fighter was spitting up blood and a couple other fighters were crying or limping afterwards. Maybe the increased violence was a result of the fact that today’s match WAS IN A TOTAL GANGSTER BAR. Jeebus. The place was totally like some fake-ritzy Vegas mobster hangout with lots of shady smoke filled back rooms and rude waiters and everything. It was really awesome to watch the plump, nerdy catfight-fan guys rub shoulders with the scary mob guys. How’s that for a fun crowd?

needless to say, pictures were not allowed. I’m sure it would be more fun for you guys to see pictures, but consider the following dialogue:

MOBSTER GUY; pictures are not allowed here.

ME; shuddup, punk. i have a website!!

MOBSTER GUY: oh, ok then, sorry sir.

THIS DIALOGUE WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

 

i hope this clears a few things up. anyway. . .. on with the pictureless fight review:

FIGHT 1: tag-team match, fairly ok

FIGHT 2: some weird ‘nylons battle’ where these two tiny, identically dressed women tear each others’ panty hose off. I guess it was supposed to be sexy but a) they both had the bodies of 10 year old boys, and b) they both got tired after 30 seconds and couldn’t even fight well enough to qualify for the insult: ‘fought like a girl.’

FIGHT 3; CHERRY (the wrestler whose gimmick is that she actually knows how to fight) vs. GRAVE GRINDER, (whose gimmick is she looks like a Visual Kei band member, only more butch). GRAVE GRINDER fought dirty and hell of violent, but all she did was make CHERRY mad.

FIGHT 4; NATURAL BORN FIGHTER vs. BATGIRL (I forgot her ‘rasslin name’ but she had this amazing bat costume complete with 8 foot wings and a giant bifurcated jester hat in black patent leather). BATGIRL fought valiantly, administereing many wedgies to N.B.F., but N.B.F. weighed at least twice as much and was at least 3 times as tall, so it was no contest in the end.

FIGHT 5; PINK UNDERWEAR LADY vs. BUFF GIRL WITH HER ARM IN A CAST. This fight was just messed up. You could tell that pink underwear lady wouldn’t normally last 5 seconds in the ring with B.G.W.H.A.I.A.C. . . . but she fought dirty, totally stomping on the cast, and twisting the buff girl’s injured arm too. By the end of the fight they were both physically destroyed, I don’t even know how the judges decided who won, but apparently pink underwear lady is the new champ. BOO!!

The judges, by the way, were the mullet-and-leather-pants guy from before, and and three women who were supposedly porn stars or something. When the camera wasn’t recording them, the porn stars had these amazingly vacuous, cow-like expressions as if there was no mental activity whatsoever. Like they were in ‘power-save mode’ or something. I had fun watching that.

The catfights were billed as ‘EVENT ONE OF TWO’, and all night people were speculating about what ‘EVENT TWO’ was. I heard people theorize that it was a ‘sex event,’ ‘s/m event,’ and ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Eventually, after the fighters left, no less than thirteen go-go dancers came out and started dancing. Actually it wasn’t ‘dancing’ so much as ‘trying not to fall down on 4 inch heels.’ Me and some other guys were hell of dancing too. I’m not going to just sit and watch some strippers like a total rube. Some businessman guy was watching them with this amazing expression like a little kid in a candy store. So I went up to him and started dancing all nasty but he wasn’t into it. Whatever, I’ll be at Moe’s. I mean, some of the go-go dancers were pretty and all, but the only thing I could think of was, "these women have all had at least one abortion" and this totally failed to turn me on.

So, this went on for another hour, during which the much-ballyhooed and scary EVENT TWO failed to materialize. Not only that, but so many people had left, that the dancers outnumbered the paying customers 2 to 1. huh?? That’s just plain weird. The whole damn thing looked like the set for some rap video. I kept waiting for Dr. Dre to show up, but the only thing that happened was a lot of shitty disco music. Hey- maybe THIS is the s/m event after all!

Finally another hour later, some MCs come out and they have a contest : which go go dancer can get the most tips in five minutes? Naturally, the schoolgirl won. . . she got over $300 just by asking guys to help her win the contest. so much for EVENT TWO. Oh. Well, at least the mob guys were interesting.

Walk home feeling like kind of a sucker. After being in the bikini club so long, it seemed that everywhere I looked, I saw ANOTHER bikini. In ads, magazine covers, the big TV screens. This gave me a sudden thought: what would the depictions of women in the media look like, if everyone had a boyfriend/girlfriend who loved them, and was happy, and had sex every night?

What scares me is that I can’t even begin to picture such a society AT ALL, let alone the media depictions of women.

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