Tokyo Damage Report

catfight FOUR (Ramen battle / horse heads)

SEPTEMBER 2

 

As usual I almost don’t go because I feel too depressed, don’t want to take any risks, just want to sit at home and reorganize my closet. . . but as usual I go out anyway and have a fucking blast, because why . . .??

This was the BEST CATFIGHT I have seen so far!!!

 

As usual, there were 5 fights scheduled. . .

Fight #1 was a catholic nun (whose signature move was kneeling down to pray in front of her opponent, then suddenly headbutting them. In the cooch.) vs. some HUGE biker lady who was so bad-ass she didn’t even take off her sunglasses the whole time. The fight was over in 30 seconds. I guess that’s Biker-Lady’s gimmick: just being totally unstoppable.

Fight #2: ANOTHER biker lady with the extremely-not-happening name of XTC vs. this totally Kawaii ("Cute") wrestler. Whose gimmick was just bouncing up and down, sqealing, smiling at everyone, and generally being as un-rassler-like as possible. And then suddenly kicking the biker lady’s ass so fast I didn’t even see it happen.

Fight #3: jesus, where do I even start with Fight Number Three??

Imagine if Matthew Barney was a wrestling promoter. Or Salvador Dali had a baby with Rube Goldberg. This wasn’t a wrestling match so much as an elaborate game or ritual.

There are two fighters, and they each have a ‘prisoner’ that they must protect from the ‘elephant men’. (like CREMASTER 1, each character has an identical twin!). each Prisoner is strapped to a chair, with a balloon full of some noxious substance suspended over his head. The Elephant men (I guess the MC calls them Elephant Man because their faces are totally wrapped up in toilet paper) are pumping air into the balloons, which will eventually explode and shower the Prisoners with god-only-knows-what. Oh, and there’s a loud CLICK and suddenly a plastic Horse’s Head falls from the roof.

 

The goal of the wrestlers: to put on The Horse Head Mask before the Elephant Man can ‘execute’ their Prisoner. To accomplish this goal, the wrestlers have to scurry back and forth between the corners and the center of the ring. As in, "oh crap! my opponent is grabbing the Horse Head! I’d better run out and stop her." (RASSLE RASSLE) "Oh crap! now I’ve got the Horse Head but there’s no time to put it on because my Prisoner is about to be Executed. . . better run back to the corner and save him by squeezing all the air out of the balloon while the Elephant Man squeezes my breasts!" (HONK HONK HONK) "Oh, crap, now she’s got the Horse Head again. . . !" and so on.

Oh, and by the way, both wrestlers are totally naked.

 

They’re wearing pink surgical tape over their Illegal Parts but that’s it. Eventually… the taller one? The shorter? Does it even matter ? eventually one of them puts on the horse head, thus winning the match. Naked human lady + horse head + Olympic Victory, fists-in-the-air pose = Awesome.

P.S. I know that Matthew Barney and Rube Goldberg are kind of obscure references, but I’m not trying to be pretentious. . . honestly, now that you’ve read about the battle, you have to agree those references were not only justifiable but pretty much the only references available. IN YOUR FACE, GUGGENHIEM!!!!

Fight #4: Grave Grinder vs. The Doctor. And again Grave Grinder makes her opponent bleed from the mouth. This is not fake. Which is weird considering that a lot of her head-butts and knee-to-the-ribcage moves are obviously fake. But I’m still not buying her as a scary villain. Like, in America the villain will make a big show of kicking the hero when the hero is down, twisting the injured leg, swinging the folding chair, lots of gloating, speeches, posing, anything to whip up the hatred for him, the Bad Guy, the Heel. But Grave Grinder manages to inflict all of the real injuries, with none of the showmanship; it’s the worst of both worlds. I couldn’t even see what the hell she did to make the Doctor bleed. Exploitive but not fun. She’s just a skinny girl who fights dirty. Plus she lost.

Fight #5: when you go out – to a fight, or a concert, or a play, circus. . wherever- there is a certain moment when you know that something awesome is about to happen. Something unexpected but definitely cool. This moment is WHEN THEY BRING OUT THE TARPULIN. When they wrap everything in liquid-resistant plastic sheeting, you know you are about to get your money’s worth. Even if you have no idea what is coming next, the Tarpulin is your garuntee of high-quality entertainment. And in fact, it’s even more fun if you don’t know what is coming next. Fluid-related suspense (blood? Piss? Vinegar?? Vinegar with BEES IN IT???) is a major reason why seeing the Tarpulin is so awesome.

So.

Tarp goes down. Audience covered in plastic sheeting. Camera swaddled in polyurethane. Then . . . OUT COMES THE RAMEN. Steaming bowls of it. trays and trays. One bowl per audience member. Then the rasslers come out: i will call them UMBRELLA (the bat lady from the Avalon Ballrom super-yakuza-blowout show) and SOME COMEDIAN. The comedian has a huge beer gut, a towel over her head, and is dressed in some approximation of Hindu drag: bellydancer bikini, with a 8 inch tiger head protruding from the crotch, why not.

The bell rings. Good lord. I expected a certain ferocity, a certain degree of ENTHUSIASM for ramen battling. . .but I was not prepared for the sheer level of creativity involved!!! Ramen was used both offensively and defensively in every conceivable way. . . . ramen (in , it should be noted, a dozen different flavors, from shrimp to curry to what looked like bolognaise) was . . .

***Thrown by one rassler onto the other

***Picked up off the mat, and reused, oh the nausea , several different kinds of noodles being recycled into a kind of ramen snowball and hurled. . .

***Entire pots of ramen thrown in a huge arc (by the more enthusiastic audience members) onto both of the entwined wrestlers.

***Force-fed to an opponent in a headlock

***Force fed by means of a French kiss

***Spit back into the face.

***Smeared in the hair – eww!!

***The empty containers were used as Boob Armor (a la Madonna) by the Comedian.

***Ramen was picked up – huge, greasy knots of it – and rammed down cleavage, into underpants, dangling out like so many deep fried pubic hairs.

***Once the ramen was bloating the underpants, can Tribadism be far behind? No, not when we’re dealing with wrestlers of this caliber. Imagine two women, underpants full of wet noodles, rubbing their crotches together for lesbian ramen sex. Now try to un-imagine it. you can’t. you’re scarred for life.

***Occasionally one of the wrestlers would find – oh JOY!!- a full container of ramen that had somehow been overlooked. This would then be dumped over someone’s head.

***And finally, once the entire ring was coated with ramen: RAMEN SNOW ANGEL. Christ, that was so brilliant.

And no photos were allowed. I will try to contact the staff and see if they have pictures available on the website. You have to see this.

1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. Nick December 23rd, 2014 12:59 pm

    I understand your website is no longer being updated, maybe you’ll still see this though…where the fuck can I find these events while in tokyo? nickhopman127@gmail.com

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