Tokyo Damage Report

Department H.

Sleep most of the day, and finally go to DEPARTMENT H, and all night pervert carnival.

I like it because it doesn’t pander to any one constituency. This ALONE would make it perverted, in super-pigeonholed japan. It’s mostly drag queen – s/m – super-pierced-people oriented, but anyone is welcome, even a pure and virginal soul such as myself. Also, it’s exhibitionist-oriented so it’s cool for you to take pictures. Moreover, in addition to the trannies, the piercies, the pervs and the pandas, there’s MORE GOD DAMN WHITE PEOPLE THAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ONE ROOM BEFORE. So, I’m not going to talk smack about Japanese people being all perverted anymore. For a while.

Even before it started, it was already cool: right next door to the perv event, was some Def Jam concert. So you had the B-boys and Wacky Orange Mullet Wanna-Be Pimp guys mingling with transvestites, Gothic Lolitas and Bear-kind-of-guys, all buying cigarettes together at the convienence store. . Yikes! Once I saw the dwarf going up the stairs I was like, this must be the place.

This was the first act; Bandage Girl With Ray Gun and her Backup Singers. She isn’t even trying to sing on key. I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be comedy or not.

Then they did some kind of Lucy Liu Underwear raffle. (the organizer has some sort of eerie Lucy Liu fixation): the model started off with 5 pairs of "BALLISTIC: EXKS VS. SEVER" panties and wound up wearing exactly none.

so, who wants free panties? these guys!

This has to be the best picture of the whole event.

Then some band called GAY FIVE. The singer had a good ‘I know how to sing’ type voice but was pretty boring compared to the completely off-the-charts gay dancers.

Even the drag queens were all pissed at the dancers for being so much more gay. One dancer was even more gay than the others, and I spent half the show trying to figure out why, why, WHY?? Eventually I realized – HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS PURSING HIS LIPS, EVEN WHEN HE WASN’T PURSING HIS LIPS. Is how gay he was. Damn.

(SECONDGUY FROM THE LEFT. off the charts.)


Then they had a catfight: Cow versus Nun.

here’s the MC for the wrestling:

right in the middle of the fight, they dragged some random guy from the audience on stage and teamed up to yank his pants off. .

then started kicking his ass!! so, this is what i mean when i say DEPARTMENT H doesn’t pander to just guys, or straight people.

It wasn’t super technical or super violent, but definitely it was the best example of the ‘put on a show and have fun and oops there goes my top’ style of rassling. Plus, pictures!!!

Then some queens came on stage and had a talk show for like 5,000 hours. I think if I spoke Japanese, I would have heard an exchange like this : "you’re so interesting, HEE HEE HEE!" "No, YOU’RE so interesting, HEE HEE HEE."

I was like, "whatever, I’ll be at Moe’s."

After that, there was a stripper doing old-fashioned burlesque. Unfortunately, it wasn’t old-fashioned enough. There were no fifteen-layers-of-garter-belts-and-whalebone-corsets. It was a sort of go-go-dancing 60’s style burlesque. There might have been frugging involved. I’m not sure. The best part about this was the LIVE DRUMMER. That guy kicked ass. All jazzy and leering. But the stripper herself was kind of silly. All trying to tease the audience – pantomiming "do you want to see my boobies? How much do you want to see my boobies?" I’m like, dude. You. are. Japanese. There is nothing to see. Your best bet is to keep that big ole padded bra on, and at least then you can pretend you’re a c cup. Then I realized that seeing a stripper try to create boob suspense is like watching TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME. It’s like, you know how it’s going to turn out. Laura Palmer gets killed, and the stripper has teeny boobies. So where’s the suspense? Anyway she had nice hair.

Then, 2,000 people got on stage and took turns talking about the events that they were putting on. Like, in addition to handing out flyers with this same exact information. This talking went on for like 6 hours. Time-management-wise, This was not cool. But it allowed me to take more photos, so. . .

random bondage people . . .

for some reason Tammy Faye showed up. . .


this amazing lady was the MAIN MC for the night. i’m not sure if she’s the MC because she had the biggest hair, or she got awarded the biggest hair when she became the MC.

this is just awesome because this Dominatrix was rocking the designer shopping bag.

later i met her, she asked if i was ‘S’ or ‘M’. i said i was ‘V.’

this lady had the AWESOME MARGE SIMPSON hair. it totally reminded me of ‘MOM, YOU’RE THE HEAD VAMPIRE?" ‘well i DO have a life outside of this house you know. . ."

Then, suddenly, this 70 year old eunuch came on stage and stuck lit fireworks inside the complex web of piercings that dangled where his genitals should have been.

Then they started playing rockabilly.

Overall, the event was incredibly slow paced. Maybe 1 hour of live acts, and 3 hours of setting up and MCs jawing. My friend said that I came on a fast night.

The drag queens were pretty not friendly and generally, ‘don’t you know who I am?’ style. Yeah, I know. you’re the 5,000,000th dork who is trying to be that Rocky Horror guy like 30 years too late. do NOT get all attitudinal with ME.

But the Goths were a friendly bunch. The foreigners all totally couldn’t deal with me at all, and I couldn’t deal with them. Especially the nasty, herpes-looking foreigners that just make us all look bad, their junk all hanging out and everything. Probably the most friendly were the Random Drunk Girls, who would not stop touching the Kitty Jacket and trying to flirt with alcohol fumes all up in my face. My friend who took me to the event, let’s call him ‘the Manager’ is mostly used to hanging with introverted otaku types, and he was all shocked that women were approaching me. He was all, "dude! She likes you!" I was like, "dude, she likes BEER."

(actually he didn’t say ‘dude’ but you could tell he meant dude.)

Then, we left. It’s amazing – all the 1,001 nightclubs kick people out at the same time, so the streets are more crowded at 5:30 AM than they were at midnight!! Just full of hungover 25 year old fake-tan-having mulletheads and their nasty chubby girlfriends in aloha-print skirts.

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