Tokyo Damage Report

catfight FIVE (yogurt war, trained attack boobs)


So, another day, another catfight. . . again, photos were not allowed. what, you think i WOUDLN’T post them if i had them??

FIGHT ONE: Dangerous Sister vs. Secret Cherry. I’ve noticed that Dangerous Sister, the Fightin’ Nun, always loses.

FIGHT TWO: Salamander vs. Some Lady In A Skimpy Cat Costume: kind of a bizarre battle. . . SUPER TALL woman vs. SUPER SHORT woman. What it lacked in suspense it made up for in acrobatics. It was basically an excuse for the giant Salamander to throw Skimpy Cat around like a hula hoop. See Also the simpsons’ Tango De La Muerte episode.

FIGHT THREE: TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH. Complete with capes and huge (plastic) belts, this was pretty much the bomb from the get-go. I mean, they let the smaller women’s team have an extra person, so it was a 5 person tag match. (6 people if you count the referee getting his ass kicked). The Smaller Women’s team was XTC (the biker lady) and two identically dressed tiny girls in matching black leotards. Everyone had a Japanese character painted on her face. They lept into the ring one at a time, did a somersault, and then sprang up, with their body contorted to form the character painted on their face (think the YMCA dance). The Large Women’s Team was . . . actually I don’t know her name, but her gimmick is she’s a bull-dagger built like a tank, wearing a cat mask. what’s funny is Large Lady’s partner never did ANYTHING. Large Lady was so badassed she took on ALL THREE opponents with NO HELP and NO TIMEOUTS – just one long round — AND SHE WON.

Large Lady had this special ‘attack’ where she’d pin one of her opponents and then unzip her unitard, and grope the boobies. Her other attack seemed to be, Emit Great Wheezing Breaths The Whole Time. I couldn’t tell if she was panting in exhaustion or what, but it was all good. A weird kind of tag match – when one of the Small Girls would reach out her hand, the other girls would sort of Lean Away so they couldn’t be tagged in. they didn’t want no part of that Breast Attack. But one time, they all teamed up. . . the smallest of Small Girls was trying to do a flying kick, against Large Woman, but she wound up being used as a Human Battering Ram by the other 2 women. to no avail, Team Large won the belts and groped the boobies.

FIGHT FOUR: KANGYARU RYOKO vs. TIGER CROTCH. (tiger crotch being my made-up name for the amazing comedienne who did the Ramen Battle last time) (and who comes out with a stuffed tiger head dangling from her codpiece). Kangyaru, her opponent, takes her name from the ‘campaign girls’ who dress up in little costumes to pass out flyers and advertisements on the street. Except this particular Kangyaru is passing out blows to the face and chest. It wasn’t a Ramen Battle this time. . .it was a Purple Yogurt battle. Which was kind of wack for several reasons:

** basically it’s like mud wrestling, not as original
** the yogurt was SO SLIPPERY that they really couldn’t do much in the way of wrestling. Even standing up was a problem, acrobatics and crazy moves were out of the question
** yogurt just doesn’t have the MANIFOLD TACTICAL APPLICATIONS of ramen. You can’t stuff it in your opponent’s shorts or spit great wads of it in your opponent’s face, etc. basically all you can do is roll in it.
** Tiger Crotch got so aroused by the yogurt that it really wasn’t a battle at all. It was like, "oh, you want to throw me face first in yogurt. Cool!" where’s the sport in that?
** non-organic

but whatever, it was silly and fun, and we all got plastic sheeting, which is what really matters after all. . ..


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