Tokyo Damage Report

catfight SIX (brutality, egg fight)

DATE; thurs dec 11

 

yet another night at the catfights.

MATCH ONE: another Akira Vs. Totally Doomed Girl bout. At least Doomed Girl knocks Akira’s shades off before she gets whomped. Akira is pissed about this and just stalks off the set right after she wins; the announcer guy is like, "annnnnd the winnnnner is…. huh?" nope. she’s already left. .

MATCH TWO: "Busty Battle" kangyal ryoko vs.some one in XTC’s gang (can’t tell them apart really). Apparently XTC is the leader of a whole squad of ‘busty wrestlers’. That’s their gimmick. They’re ‘busty.’ I’m American, so the difference between ‘busty’ and ‘regular’ Japanese women is so small it doesn’t even register with me. but I have been told that’s their deal.

Anyway, I guess Ryoko wants in on the gang, so she has to try to defeat their weakest member in roder to replace her: it’s a Boob Battle. Not that they’re topless. But boobs figure prominently in the fighting strategy. For instance, I learned that boobs can be an asset: you can use them as a bludgeon. Imagine two rams charging each other in the Rocky Mountains. It was just like that but with spandex. But boobs are also a liability: they leave you vulnerable to Grope Attack.

For those of you who keep track of such things, Ryoko won. Ryoko is not a small woman. Ryoko’s new costume bares her midriff. this is my first time to see this midriff. consequently instead of looking at the boobies i was mostly scratching my head, going, "how does a lady get horizontal stretch marks accross her lower back??"

female readers, please email me the answer to this totally scientific question of mine, as i will not be able to sleep until the issue is resolved. i promise i will not think you are overweight just because you know the answer.

 

MATCH THREE; the I.W.C.P. title bout!! W.w.c. champion Yu-ka was wrestling Cow Lady for a a chance at getting a second belt. the cow lady wasn’t wearing her usual cow costume. Just a black skirt and some fishnets.

Cow Lady had a stomachache so Yu-ka kept kicking her in the stomach.after like ten good kicks, Cow Lady was just like, "bitch, are you trying to make me mad?" and then totally slapped Yu-Ka down onto the floor and started pulling some hairs.

There weren’t any technical, acrobatic wrestling moves, but there was a lot of slapping and pounding. And both fighters got really super exhausted but never slowed down. It was pretty magical.

at the end, YU-KA won. the MCs put both title belts around her like a bikini.

MATCH FOUR: messy battle!!! TAMAGO FIGHT. That’s right, I’m talking about eggs. PRODIGIOUS amounts of eggs. One huge vat full of dozens of raw egg innards. ANOTHER huge vat full of fried eggs. Like a hundred of them. the fighter known as Grave Grinder fought some lady in a Kill Bill outfit. The Kill Bill outfit has become an instant hit with all kinds of cosplay fools here, from hookers to cosplay people to wrestlers! I have not seen it because it stars whatshername. Anyway, Grave Grinder predictably went on the offensive, throwing eggs (both dry and wet) at her opponent, between administering a bunch of high kicks and bikini top tugs. Within one minute they were both covered in dripping yolk. highlights of the egg battle are as follows:

  • Fried eggs make a surprisingly loud, satisfying THWACK! Sound when they hit someone.
  • Eggs were forced into cleavageses. Later, after the fight, fried yolks were stragegically placed.
  • At one point, while both fighters were in a egg-drenched tangle on the floor, the referee crept up and threw the whole vat of eggs on top of them. He got his ass wupped.
  • The place smelled like eggs. It was really gross. In fact I would say it was more gross than the scat / ska event I went to last month.
  • For the finale, Grave Grinder pinned her opponent, and ripped off her top, and then licked the yolks off the boobies.

But – for all the glamour, suspense, horror, and violence of this exhibition, — the MOST EXCITING part wasn’t grave grinder OR the fake uma thurmin. It was GRAVE GRINDER’S GIRLFRIEND. She had shades indoors, of course. And a wifebeater with ‘fuck you’ on the back IN OLDE ENGLISH LETTERS, AND massive yakuza sleeve tattoos everywhere, plus little gold chains and camo pants. I’m pretty sure I saw her before the show wearing a satin jacket that said BLACK POWER. This would be fucking radical in San Francisco’s Mission District (the dykiest place on earth). . . but the fact that she is doing it in super-closeted Tokyo makes her instantly the coolest person in the whole city. Plus she’s like 5 feet tall. I was too awestruck to ask for her autograph, but next time. . . !

 

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