Tokyo Damage Report

Spring break statistics





today,I meet some totally random vacationing Australian girl. she came into my life, I took her to a poo store, she left. And that was the extent of our friendship.

Isn’t that simply marvelous??

thanks, internet!

She just emailed me and said ‘I came to japan and I want to see weird shit.’ So I meet her and she’s this giant raver girl who also happens to be a porno website designer. I take her to fuckin’ daikan plaza. She’s probably the first white girl to ever be inside some of those pervert shops. She buys some used panties ‘for a friend’ and a doraemon vibrator. We go to this poop-fetish store with the adorable name of FLOP. They have plush golden turds on a stick, pooping superhero videos, this amazing dvd of a contest where different women drink hella water and then they have to walk around crowded public places and see who pisses their pants in public first. They also had a whole entire bookshelf of totally non-pornographic medical books on the colon, and ‘colon excercises’ you can do for more regular movements, and even a kids’ book called ‘CUTE POOPIE’ (kawaii unchi). There was only one copy of it and I was explaining to the dudes at the counter if they couldn’t find another copy that we’d have to fight over it.

Then the Australian goes away and that’s the last I ever saw of her.


Then The Mormon comes over and we go to korean food. Like me, she’s a foreigner studying Japanese (but at a different school). She’s all beefing about her new teacher and how the teacher is so strict, mean, bitchy, etc. I realize that, the more evil she makes the teacher sound, the hornier I get. I’m like, damn. all like, "that’s TERRIBLE! is she just giving orders all the time? how AWFUL. is she tall too? Does she have a big butt?” eventually The Mormon catches on that my questions aren’t really sympathetic to her plight. I’m like, “look, you want to pass this class, right? I’ll tell you what?why don’t I just marry your teacher? Once we’re married she’ll have to do what I say and I’ll just tell her give you an A. what do you say?” she was like, “ok, come with me tomorrow.” Rock.


on another topic, today is the last day of my holiday, which means it’s time to take stock.


during the past 2 weeks, i’ve…

Passed my make-up test by: one percent

Had a fat girl sit on my glasses: once

Been selected as one of the ‘best of the web’ by japanzine

# of Giant Australians I went used-panty shopping with: 1

# of Giant Australian dreams i made a smelly, pee-stained, shrink-wrapped reality: 1

did Grindcore hanami: one time

otaku hanami: one time

other hanamis: 7 times.

Scored an ‘OUN GOURU’


Made my page bilingual:  もちろん!

# of times i sat next to assfort on a train: 1

Reaction to having sex to my own band’s cd for the first time: kind of uncomfortable, except for the Broadway-style showtune number, which was fun. which in ITSELF is kind of uncomfortable.

Gothic Medical Costume Parties attended: 1

# of bands i have NO MEMORY OF at the ‘drunk-punk’ show: 3. ish.

Got to ride in a police car: 1 time, but it was my first! yay!!

number of cops in my apartment: 4

# of dirty words i can say in Chinese now: 5

(before spring break: 0 )


tomorrow: i SWEAR i’ll fuck around and finally tell the story of me trying to say LL COOL J raps. . . in Japanese . . . in front of 200 people.



bad band names again



Stereo fabrication of youth

Booted cocks

Bad paradise

Linus Meets Blunket


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