Tokyo Damage Report


Normally I’m openminded. Straight but not narrow as they say. My pals are drag queens and gothic queers. I’m the kind of guy who puts some ass-ramming gay porn on to get my girl in the mood. But you know what makes me instantly turn homophobic? Scooter fags. Like him for example: all tootling around on this thing that looks like a kid’s toy but he’s all revving it loud and acting like he’s the captain of the Hells Angels. And as soon as I see him I’m like, ‘get OFF that thing you FRUIT.’

Crazy no-good bikers are bad enough but in Tokyo there’s hella dudes acting bad-ass, that aren’t even tough at all! It would be funny if it weren’t so damn loud that I can’t ignore it when I’m done laughing at them. Why are there so many scooters in Tokyo, compared to other cities? Something to do with japan’s fondness for miniaturization (bonsai, consumer electronics, houses) plus the Japanese complex about having small dicks? The decline of REAL Japanese biker gangs? I don’t know.

But whenever I see some guy on his way to his job at the office, all acting like Easy Rider on his 40 pound 1 horsepower putt-putt, I can only think of one thing: a ballet. I want to stage a ballet with guys in pink tu-tus turning pirouettes on top of a row of Japanese scooters. I think this is the only proper place for them.

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