Tokyo Damage Report

Harajuku fashion police

hey look, right in Harajuku . . . just when you thought it was safe to wear that 40,000yen ‘smokey and the bandit’ t-shirt . .. it’s the FASHION POLICE.

i’m not joking. i took this photo right in tokyo’s trendiest shopping mall neighborhood, where these guys were getting busy. i SWEAR they’re writing a ticket for that hunchbacked kogal with all the shopping bags.

i asked them what they were giving out the most tickets for and here is what they said:

1) women are all buying these flesh-toned panty hose, with elaborate textured designs that might look really elegant from 2 inches away, but to the average passer-by they just make the woman look like she has varicose veins or perhaps some kind of horrible psoriasis. way to go, gals!

2) women in Hyakuninchou (my hood) are ALL ABOUT getting tiny little hapless poodles and not only dressing them up in tiny clothes, but also packing them inside of purses, with just their horrid little heads poking out like a furry pariscope, AND THE EARS ARE ALL DYED PURPLE OR PINK. this is just wrong on so many levels. women that are so attached to their pets are basically waving a flag saying, "i’m giving up on ever getting laid in my life." and i really support that wholeheartedly, but why involve a stinking dog? why not just tattoo ‘I’M GIVING UP ON EVER GETTING LAID" on your forehead and leave it at that? it’s enough to almost make me feel sorry for the Hated Canines.

3) acid washed jeans are making a comeback. fucking ACID WASHED jeans! the only part of the 80’s that HASN’T become funny 16 years later. bon jovi? hilarious camp! Iran – contra scandal? a hoot! acid-washed jeans? just as tacky now as then.

actually now that i think about it, guns and roses is the same way.

4) all the women in shibuya are suddenly wearing ultra-tight, super light, blindingly white pants. these pants fill me with a kind of menstrual paranoia. what better way to say, "C’mon, nether regions, i dare you to produce even one molecule of anything embarassing, because that’s exactly how much it will take for everyone in the subway station to see it. i DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.."

5) the only good trend is, the YAMANBAS and their boyfriends are inventing some kind of post-surfer aesthetic. they all suddenly gave up the wild hawaiian t-shrit colors and are now dressed in identical unisex grey sweatsuits. sometimes pink. but always bulky and non-sexy. it’s probably the most revolutionary thing i’ve seen here, just a big ‘anti-fashion’ fuck you to glamor and stuff. my only qualm is, why do the sweatsuits all have the playboy logo? if you’re trying to look like Hugh Hefner, wouldn’t a bathrobe be more accurate?

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