Tokyo Damage Report

catfight 7: chain match brutality

click the pictures to go to the image gallery!

Today’s fight was a, er, ‘festival’: a NINE-FIGHT Collaboration between 3 of the main promoters here in town. . .NIPPON CATFIGHT LEAGUE, GALSHOCKER, and CAT PANIC ENTERTAINMENT.

Fight one: woman-vs-man battle. The guy’s costume was pretty rad: white cotton y-front briefs. The woman’s gimmick was even better, if slightly racist: she was portraying a ugly Chinese FOB, complete with shopping bag, who kept trying to have sex with the guy and he ran away. Eventually he put her in some kind of submission hold and offered her to the crowd, who didn’t want any either. But the last laugh was hers: in the FOB-by shopping bag she had a secret weapon: NATTO. Natto is a food so ill, EVEN OTHER JAPANESE PEOPLE think it is ill. This from a culture who eats whale on the regular. Basically it’s like fermented beans in some kind of sticky sauce looking like giant boogers that h.r. Geiger’s Alien would pick out, if Alien had boogers. Anyway, the ref held the guy down while the lady tied his arms up. Thus immobilized, he was powerless to do anything but watch as she ? PUT THE WHOLE CONTAINER OF NATTO DOWN HER PANTIES and then sat on his face and made him eat it.

It was a privilege to watch this. i felt like i was a caveman watching fire be invented.

Fight 2: two Okinawa working-class women fought a Tokyo cos-play nerd in a brutally lopsidedl tickle battle which ended in double foot sucking. The MC for this event was wearing a Harry Houdini-looking getup. Or maybe he was Snidey Whiplash.

Fight 3: I was studying kanji during this fight. I’m sure my teacher would have been proud.

Fight 4: a 3-round fight, where each round there is a different style of combat. First kickboxing, then rasslin’, then THROW YOUR OPPONENT INTO THE AUDIENCE, if that is in fact a style, which, how could it NOT be?

Fight 5: the very tall and sinister SALAMANDER versus a short and cleavagey woman. The short and cleaveagey woman was always pulling secret weapons out of her incredibly tiny costume, which was in itself no mean feat. She was getting all Mac Gyver on salamander’s ass, making weapons out of nylons and panties. trying to lasso her in a red g-string. Eventually she pulled out the top secret weapon: a Transformer toy in the shape of a bus, which turned into a gun, which shot mayonnaise, which blinded the ref. While he was blind, Salamander picked up her opponent and just carried her into the audience, made a complete circuit of the arena, and then threw her headfirst back in the ring, winning the battle.

Fight 6: not that amazing. “tall girl in high-school-girl’s swimsuit” vs. “short girl who fights dirty.”

Fight 7: Dangerous Sister, the fightin’ nun, vs. some “campaign gal” in an incredibly tiny vinyl costume. Which, I was frankly confused by. If you’ve got a butt-flaunting pair of daisy-duke shorts, at some point you should get a butt, I would think. But here in japan they hate butts even more than whales. seriously.

Fight 8: at this point, it finally sunk into my thick head that you can take pictures. Doh!! I joined the merry throngs of salarimen snapping away. And it’s good that I DID realize it was ok, because fight 8 was the MOST INSANE SHIT EVER. 3 really strong burly women squaring off in a 3-way chain match: they’re all chained together by the neck and 2 of the fighters proceed to take turns beating the hell out of each other, while choking and getting ambushed by the third woman from behind. It was AKIRA, AKI, and some third woman who I don’t remember her, sorry, SORRY, please, don’t crush my whole spine! Anyway chain matches rule.

Fight 9: tag-team match between masked cherry (whose gimmick is that she can actually fight), vs. Evil Miniskirt Policewoman. They both had partners (hence ‘team’) but the partners lacked gimmicks and were basically there to get tossed around like so many hackey sacks. It was still good fun though, although no Natto was unleashed.

After the show, AKI was nice enough to come up and introduce herself to me. She shook my hand and didn’t break even a single of my delicate fingers, for which I am really grateful.

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