Tokyo Damage Report

ideal girlfriend wish-list


having broken up with The Mormon,. . .

<I’m not going to post that story. Suffice to say I tried to dump her the way I would want to be dumped (i.e. in person, not by email/phone, and certainly not by just running away and not responding . . . real direct, no bullshit, but giving examples of why I feel the way I do, and listening to her side), but still felt shitty because I’ve usually been the ‘dumpee’ and it felt like I was going all Benedict Arnold and switching teams to the Dark Side <the dark side being either the Sith or the british empire, depending on how literally you want to take that horrible metaphor>. Dealt with this shitty guilt feeling using my usual method: drink 2 cups of whiskey at midnight and then jump straight into the bathtub with the lights out. (If this seems to be getting into cry-for-help/ Jim-Morrison-In-France terrirory, let me remind you that Japanese bathtubs are so small that basically you are sitting with your knees pressed to your chest in semi-foetal position, eliminating pretty much all risk of drowning)>

. . . . ANYWAY having broken up with her, I am now free to post a list of things which I am looking for in the next girlfriend.

that’s right, today isn’t business. it’s personal. the Girlfriend Of Tomorrow. . ..

  • HAS to like doo-wop. And slow-dancing to doo-wop.
  • When asked, "What is your hobby?" doesn’t say any of the following: "going to movies / tv / going to dinner with friends." While I’m sure many honest/sexy/kind people do these things, they are not HOBBIES. Here is a good answer : "smacking bitches silly." More good answers: "Yeah, I am into Training Polynisian Racing Turtles / gluing Gundam parts to plastic pocket vaginas to make little sex robots / beat-boxing / writing a pop-up book on chin surgery." Ok, maybe those are a little too far-fetched. Probably the girl who is doing a pop-up book on chin surgery is so cool that hella millionaires and movie stars are dating her already, and I should just give up now. But she DEFINITELY has to have a new obsession every week, something which she can be all excited about and try to get me excited about it also.
  • Long eyelashes. I can’t believe I never noticed how important these were before. Mediumsized eyelashes crusted with goop do not count as long. Do you women not notice the difference? Do you think we guys are like, "hey, dude, that babe over there is HOT!" "why? does she have a lot of shit gunked on her eyelashes?" "Aw yeahhhhhh…" "dayymmm, i missed that shit."
  • Likes midnight bike-riding adventures, getting lost in weird neighborhoods, while drinking
  • When drinking, doesn’t just get tired. Gets all aggggro and starts wrestling me. Ideally at shows.
  • As tall as me, and hopefully crazy muscular.
  • Calls me at random times of day/night with crazy schemes / shit I gotta come over and see RIGHT NOW / invitations to weird parties which she can’t go to but I should definitely check out anyway cus she knows it’s up my alley, but later she shows up to the party at like 2 AM with half her hair singed off, and we’re all so stoked to see her that we don’t ask questions.
  • HAS to let me put my head on her abdomen and listen to her stomach gurgle for hours at a time
  • DITTO squeezing my head between her legs until I achieve an altered state of consciousness (duh)
  • Understands that, “damn! That’s way better than last time– who have you been practicing on?” is like a totally appropriate and hilarious thing to say during oral.
  • Long hair with pony tail. Or skinhead. Inbetween is for Herbs.
  • Likes to tell me Girl Secrets, stuff girls talk about in private but don’t want guys to know. For example, likes to walk around the train station, just talking HELLA shit about random girls’ fashions / their lifestyles (as imputed from the fashions)/ their families (as imputed from the lifestyles).
  • HAS to have at least one embarrassing, nerdy collection of some sort.
  • HAS to be straight-up if I do something annoying, and not be all passive-aggressive about it. But on the other hand, she does not have to be all logical about it and turn it into a big debate. She can just say, "I don’t know why, but I hate it when people do THIS, and I’ll break your eyes if you do it again."
  • actually it would be super sweet if we staged all our arguments as freestyle rhyme battles. "you cheat on me with ugly-ass bitches / want me to wash your filthy-ass dishes / plus your dick be mad shrinkin / from the alcoholism that’s got your breath stinkin" "yeah well if im sober i can’t stand to look at you / the judge convicted you of first-degree-ugly, he throw the book at you / i don’t mean to be hating / but your ass quadrupled in size since we started dating / can’t even find your own junk when you are masturbating"
  • In bed, she HAS to be able to give FEEDBACK. Not necessarily by pushing up her horn-rimmed glasses with one hand while gesticulating at a pie-graph on the wall-chart with a baton in the other hand, while saying "as you can clearly see here in diagram #12b…" (although that IS totally hot) but she should have the self-respect to show me what she wants, and make it sound fun.
  • Knows intuitively that once super-romantic, listening-to-Finnish Doom Metal-and-cuddling starts, the time for conversation has ended.
  • Sees me more than once a week, but not like every god damned day because we both have some shit to do.
  • Knows how to spoon. This sounds like a no-brainer but in fact not everyone knows how, OR has the motivation. Motivation is crucial. What’s the point of sleeping together if you’re not spooning? If you’re just sleeping side-by-side, basically you’re subjecting yourself to the discomfort of some weird person (and their sounds /odors) in your private bed all night, but not getting anything intimate out of it. What the fuck?
  • And of course a little nude cooking never killed anybody.

Be honest now, how many of you read that and said, "This fool is looking for basically a girl version of himself!" If you said that OUT LOUD, you are smart, and if you send me your address I’ll send you a hand-written postcard to that effect, which you can hang on the wall next to your many diplomas (this offer expired back in 2004, sorry people) (don’t be mad at me, I am just an archive) Yes, I am maybe a little looking for The Girl Me, which maybe is fucked up or narcissistic. . .but when you consider that JUST LAST YEAR my ideal girl was like a cold, aloof, stuck-up, businesswoman that hated me and everything I stood for . . . . .

(runner-up Last Year’s Ideal Woman: super humorless, ugly, PC asian/American activist/ ‘cultural critic'(whatever the fuck that means) who hates me and everything I stand for),

. . . . . . I think you’ll agree this year’s model is an improvement.

ANYWAY, if anyone has suggestions, feel free to post them to the forum. in the meantime, i’m starting my search here:

the ‘L.S.D. best gals salon’ in kabukicho.


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