Tokyo Damage Report

July smokes the Hogan.

july bullshit report

BAND BULLSHIT: just today got told that my band has to ‘pay to play’ $100 for our first gig. This is, like, a full 3 months after we got the gig, and 6 weeks after the promoter got me to make a flyer for the gig for free, and a month after i joined the promoter’s band to save his ass cus he didn’t have a drummer.

can you axe your friends what is japanese for ‘NIGGA PLEASE’ ? cus that would be a really benri phrase right about now.

GIRL BULLSHIT: What do you call the kind of girl that wants someone , specifically a GUY someone, to do specifically DATE-TYPE stuff with ? i.e. giving her attention and praise and going to dinner and midnight bike rides and strolls by park fountains in the moonlight and listening to old punk tapes in the bedroom alone ? but ONLY on the condition that the sexual, date-ish nature of the relationship NEVER be discussed or even thought about? Like, she’s totally is blind to the fact that it’s basically a date, even though total strangers on the street could see the way we walk and talk and even THEY know what is up. What is up with the kind of willful blindness? Like part of her is convinced she is not lonely and doesn’t need a man. And then there is another part of her which desperately craves love but can’t articulate it? And what is up with her just FREAKING THE FUCK OUT when she suddenly realizes that she’s doing ‘date stuff’ with me, and then never calls me again?


Seriously, has anyone else had this kind of experience? Does anyone know of a good, short, catchy label for this behavior?

I swear 90% of women I date are like this. But I assume that 90% of the women on earth AREN’T like this, otherwise, humans would have gone extinct a long time ago. So this means somehow I’m stuck meeting all the neurotic, lying-to-themselves girls that the other guys are avoiding. Which makes me ask, How do NORMAL guys manage to weed out these freaky girls? Like, if you start talking about sports or that sitcom Friends, do those girls magically vanish?

It sounds like I’m joking but I’m not. Help me out here, kids.

One of the reasons I left California, I have to admit, is that cali was hella full of these at-war-with-myself-but ?YOU’LL-pay-the-price-for-it bitches. I figured it would be different in japan because everything else is different. Leave it to me to find this kind of girl HERE too. So then at that point, I figured, ok, I guess the problem must be me, then. I’m too much a ‘nice guy.’ They don’t think I’m looking for a girlfriend or whatever. So recently I’ve made it a point to be talking about ex-girlfriends and porn, and the girls’ ex-boyfriends and all kinds of bullshit so that everyone knows I’m not a nice guy. Fine. But somehow I am STILL a FUCKING MAGNET for this exact specific type of girl.

fuck, why did i cross the entire globe and find exactly the kind of neurotic, fucked-up woman i left california to get away from?

if they really want to find life in space, they should send me there too, cus i guarantee you i could find one of those girls on Mars!!



Basically I hate it so much at this point that I told my teacher, “look, just take my money and let me study by myself at the library. I’ll pay you to NOT teach me because I learn more by myself. I promise I’ll re-take the same class in fall, once I catch up to the rest of the students.” The teacher was like, “this is unacceptable! You have a student visa. You are required by the Ministry of Immigration to attend class.” You know what I did? I whipped out my cell phone, gave it to her, and asked her to call the cops on me.

I mean, what the fuck?? I know it’s a different culture, but FREE MONEY.

FREE. FUCKING. MONEY. Where on earth do they not speak FREE MONEY?

Look, bitch, if you just do shit my way, I have more fun because I’m not stuck in a 10×10 foot room with 16 other students, the rest of the students have more fun because they don’t have me slowing them down by asking ‘what’s that word mean?’ every 30 seconds. . . and the teacher has more fun because she don’t have to hear me tell her, ‘you’re teaching it wrong, bitch!’ The school has more fun because they are basically getting paid for doing nothing. It’s win-win!!

Keep in mind that my class has 15 people. The class next to us has only 4 students, and THEY’RE PAYING THE SAME MONEY AS WE ARE. They paid the same rate but for every minute of face-to-face interaction with the teacher we get, they get over three. And the teacher is saying MY plan is ‘unacceptable?” What the fuck is that about? Hell, I’m basically doing the school a favor by lowering the class size, you’d think they’d be grateful. But no.

after my teacher didn’t call the cops, I had to go to the HEAD TEACHER and basically told her the same story. She said um. Er. So I offered to compromise. What if I study in an empty room at school? I could meet my teacher at the beginning and end of class just so she could verify that I attended? The visa ministry is happy because they know I’m not on the streets doing foreigner crimes, and the teacher is still getting FREE FUCKING MONEY, everyone is happy, right? The head teacher was still like, no. I was like, dude?? Dude?!? Because of the visa requirements? She was like, no, it’s just a pain in the ass is why. I mean, what if we let you do it? Then everyone will want to only go to the classes they want to go to. And skip the rest.

Oh, awful! Then the teacher would basically be getting paid to sit in an empty room and play with her Pink Rotor all day!! Why hadn’t I thought about the horrific consequences of my mad scheme? Because I’m a selfish egotistical American is why, so selfish that I’m only offering them FREE MONEY to NOT teach me. jeesus.

I’m sick of the way they don’t teach right. Like, for example, new idioms. The way to teach idioms is to tell the class, ‘here is a new idiom. This is a powerful tool that you can use to express yourself better in Japanese. Here is what it means in your native language, and here is how you say it in Japanese, and here is the context in which you say it.’

But instead of thinking of idioms as tools, they think of them as obstacles.

As in, ‘here is a page of dense text with no room at the margins for taking notes. There’s hell of new idioms here that we have purposely not explained to you because we want you to practice guessing.’ What the fuck?? practice guessing?? ‘yeah, we’re not putting the idioms in here for you to actually LEARN them. that would be retarded. we’re putting them in here to make it difficult to read. see, this is more authentic. Because once you graduate school you won’t have teachers to ask about stuff, you’ll have to guess.’ Fuckin’ brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that? Why am I bothering to even go to school when for free I could just go to the bus station and listen to people talk?it’s so REALISTIC. So AUTHENTIC. Wow, I’m going to charge students twice what you’re charging to let them listen to random people talking on the subway, because it’s twice as realistic. Shit.


july smokes the hogan.

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