Tokyo Damage Report

the dirty, kid-hating world of Doraemon

I’ve been doing this site for over a year now. In that time I’ve described some ill shit?human ass candleholders, Hitler impersonators, ramen bikini foodfights, and so on. But I don’t think you’re prepared for what I’m going to show next.

Like many Americans who have heard about the infamous Panty Vending Machine, I’ve spent way too much time wondering “Why is japan so utterly perv?” hell, I’ve even heard my Asian-American pals asking the same thing. And I’d be like, “um, but aren’t you supposed to be P.C. about Asian Issues and such?” and they’d be like, “whatever. Jap guys are just pervs.”

Well, after years of um, uh, ‘research,’ into the subject, I had scoured every dank and sticky corner of the internet and the finer adult book stores around here. I’ve bought one dollar gay porn from homeless guys. Danced with transvestites with afros. But still, no definitive answer. Turns out, I was looking in the wrong place. Turns out , I should have been watching childrens’ telivision.


Picture, if you will, a dude. He’s all blue. And he’s got his hands down his pants and he’s smiling. His tongue lolls out of his mouth. He’s all pulling something out of his pants, while a pair of 8 year old kids look on in rapturous expectation.

Videotaped evidence in a mass-murder trial? No. $3,000 porn video traded in secret locations? No. cartoon show for kids? Yes. And the ‘feeling myself in my pants’ scene happens several times every episode.

Welcome to the kid-hating world of DORAEMON.

If Hello Kitty is the mickey mouse of japan, Doraemon is Snoopy. Actually it’s probably the other way around. Doraemon is mickey, and Kitty is Japanese Snoopy, and Snoop Dogg is the American Tarepanda, and I’ll stop now. The point is, all kids grow up with Doraemon. From infancy on, they’re bombarded with tv, manga, and ‘character goods’ emblazoned with this robot future-cat, whose superpower is literally inside his pants. Who thought this up?? At least Pee Wee Herman waited until AFTER the kids’ show was over. Damn!

I mean, whatever, supposedly there’s a ‘pocket’ down there that connects to the 24 th century through some kind of wormhole, and he can pull out any sort of sci-fi device to save the day. But in the end, it’s all about robot cats touching themselves while their tongue lolls out of their smiley mouth and 8 year olds get their innocence destroyed.

as if that isn’t enough, look at some of the shit he pulls out of the pocket AFTER he’s done pleasuring himself:

For 30 years, ALL KIDS have watched this completely nasty cartoon during their most formative years. At 3 years old, they aren’t concerned with morals OR sex: the perfect time to burrow deep into their subconscious mind and lay eggs, out of which hatch crazy mutants when puberty hits. The result has totally wrecked the psychology of an entire country. They become immersed in the masturbatory world of Doraemon so early, they honestly don’t see it as being weird or abnormal or even sexual. And by the time they DO grow up and be sexual, they have no idea how their upbringing was influenced by this ill-ass feline, BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER MET ANYONE WHO HASN’T BEEN SIMILARLY CORRUPTED.. Just like fish don’t know what water is, since they’ve never been out of it, Japanese young people have no idea what “dude, what the HELL are you doing in that porno? Put those eels down, dogg!!” means.

I mean, ok, America had Batman living with this 14 year old boy together in hotpants, but eventually we as a nation realized, um, dude, that is SO illegal, and we got over it. But in japan? Not a chance. Try telling a Japanese person what is so obviously and intuitively wrong about this comic and you will get a look like you said, “yeah, I just farted really loud, didn’t you hear it?” Even crazy crusty punks who live in a ditch and sniff glue all day, and reject all the norms of society will get all defensive when you question Doraemon. Nobody wants to hear that their whole childhood was wasted. Cognitive dissonance, dude. And thus future generations will continue to get corrupted.

Here’s me when I first saw this book:


motion-girl: huh? That’s doraemon.


Motion girl: that’s his pocket.


etc. etc.

I knew instantly i’d solved the Great Porno Riddle Of Japan. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle instantly fell into place. But instead of a glorious “E=mc2, eureka!!” feeling, it was a deeply disturbing feeling. After all, all my good friends must also be down with Doraemon, and now I have to look them in the eye? Like I’d gone into the twilight zone, all the suburban townspeople who had seemed normal were suddenly caught at some midnight black mass, sacrificing a baby, and they were all like, “what?”

Sure, you can quote PINK SAMURAI about the ‘long and glorious’ tradition of geisha and uki-o prints and Shinto mating rituals with huge wooden cocks, but shut up. That stuff is qualitatively different. It was suppressed by the government at that time, whereas doraemon is sanctioned. All that ‘mizu shobai’ stuff was limited to the upper class, and doraemon is for everyone. Also, they weren’t showing ‘shunga prints’ to little kids. Just shut up, ok? Besides, when did japan start getting all nuts with snot bondage and loose-socks schoolgirls, and testicle-kicking, and x-rated Ultraman rape? Before or after Doraemon? I rest my case.

So, after discovering the secret of Japanese perversion, I can safely say this: the question is no longer “why are so many Japanese people into fetish porn / being hookers?” but rather, “why are SO FEW into fetish porn / being hookers?”

since probably only half the population ( less than 75% for sure) wind up being permanently scarred/ hookers / masturbato-manics, i think that, in the end, this shows how deeply moral and reasonable the Japanese people are.

so really, this whole article is politically correct.

yahoo!! everyone wins!

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