Tokyo Damage Report

dumb-ass emails I get


8/2 2004

i don’t check my fucking ‘stats’. i don’t want to know about my ‘traffic’. but, considering how many idiotic emails i’m getting recently i have gotten popular.

‘hey! i’m your biggest fan! i read your site once a year! so anyway can you find this japanese porn for me? and send it to me? let’s hang out! i know you have a whole page which tells vacationers of shows and cool spots to see but i’m not going to read it! i’m going to email you and ask you for even more shit instead! i work at the Viper Room! what do they call it when the girl gets raped by a alien? Because i need to know this stuff. oh, be my tour guide even though you don’t know me or have time! hey, will you marry me? i’m 15! hey, i’m coming to japan. can you hook me up with shows and girls? I hear they’re really easy *smiles* dude! ^^ LOL @!!!! kewl!! hey! can i get you to do some research for a magazine article i’m doing about japan that i promise i will send you a copy or mention your site in the article and actually i will do neither? Hey, ^^ LOL !! BTW i’m going to call you a cock in my subject line because i think that makes me as sarcastic and witty as you, just kidding dogg LOL :) .’

to wich list i should no doubt add tomorrow’s emails which will say ‘dude, why’d you dis me on your site? i know that shit was about me because i am so important. not kewl LOL :( you suk fatgitt.

all that stuff i wrote about not enough people reading the site? i take it back. i feel like fucking Fred Durst signing autographs for a bunch of mouth-breathers here.

just to show gratitude where gratitude is due, though: sincere thanks to Notbartsch, Blondsvidanya, the Manager, #14chan, Hatsaplenty, Sumana, Bakamike the Gaijin Tomodachi, Fiduciary Sweetie, Ol’ Halfahead, Big Gay Hat and other folks who I can count on, who know they can count on me.

i could not stay sane without you people.

august mailbag:

all letters are real, and all are from different people. some have been edited for brevity and to make me look smarter than i am.

> I was wondering if you could some stuff about Naruto
> and its popularity in Japan (and I mean the
> manga/anime not the fish sausage in Ramen) maybe you
> could review the movie coming out on 8/20.
> Thanks in advance.

i have bad news for you Champ,

the new Naruto movie isn’t being released, after all. the test screenings did too poorly. in fact, no one here even cares about anime anymore. they all watch old Road Runner cartoons. the only people still watching anime are american fansubbers.

yodel at me,



I have been looking for an almost new
( Fender Mustang Competition Bass )
for about 3 weeks now.? no luck?
They made them in 2002 in Japan but they were for
the Japan market only.?
I guess I need a music store in Japan that will ship to the US or
a used music store that has a web site or I dont know what.?
Any help would be great.?
Love your site?

sorry dogg,? i have no idea! i know nothing about basses. here is what i know:

1) there’s ‘the type Lemmy plays’ and ‘the type Lemmy doesn’t play’

2) basses with 5 or 6 strings are gay.

that’s all.

what the hell is a ‘competition bass’ anyway??? is it like a ‘dueling banjo’?? seriously bro is it made to fight other basses? like those chinese battle kites?? please tell me because this is important stuff.

anyway thanks for writing!


Yes, I am going to Tokyo with my dad.? I read your Tokyo tour guide, but I wanted to know, I’m 15 so would I not be allowed into those live shows?? Or can I just wear high heels and makeup and they’ll let me in anyway?? I would just ask if we could meet up but you’re probably too busy having fun or checkin mail, and I’m here with my dad so that means no drinking for me (yes, I know, I’m a disgrace to all teens everywhere).?
If you do write back, thanks a lot.? If not, …..*glares*



is your name really Xochitl?

that name is so chock-full of pre-Colombian goodness!!? is it pronounced like, ‘so-CHILL?’ help me out here.? i read a comic book once about a? Texas Latina lesbian pro wrestler named Xochitl , and then there was another Xochitil who worked at the Hello Kitty store in Berkeley, but other than that i guess it’s a pretty rare name.

damn, that name kicks ass. it’s almost as good as calling your baby ‘Bolt-Thrower.’!!!

as for teens and drinking, don’t bother?drinking, i say. why? ?you guys are too young to appreciate drinking.? you just walk around and say ‘ dude i’m soooo wasted’ over and over again like you are a scientist who just invented being drunk.? if it were up to me i’d raise the drinking age to 29. that would be mega sweet.

um, anyway.

so let me know when you and your dad are coming, and also how to pronounce your name, ok?


(later i told her to please get permission from her pops before writing me anymore because it was too weird, and she got all angered up at me)


Hello Peter from veincage here.
Found your link .very interesting site.
Thought you might like to hear what happens when ya take goth and hiphop an smash them together.

enjoy and let me know.

Dear Violent Jay

I really like ICP, but why you guys diss Eminem??

you’re all ‘slim anus this, slim anus that’ .. . why are you so obsessed with his anus? honestly i never thought about his anus until you guys did that song, and now i can’t stop thinking bout it. LOL!!@

anyway you guys rock, i’ll see you at the next circus!!?look for me, i’ll be the guy with baggy pants on.

say hi to Shaggy for me!!



Recently I’ve been getting more and more interested in Magic, coincidence, morphogenesis, ritual, and chaos. I’m seeing strange patterns in everything, and I’m planning to make my thesis project a big ritual performance (in a public place, with a wizard hat and robe, singing along to Manowar, and throwing play-dough at people. Also commodity trading of metals.) I want to test for coincidence between ritual and event, like the whole ‘similar pattern at micro and macro level’ thing in a mandelbrot set or other fractal. At worst, I have some fun. At best, there could actually be a science to making improbable things happen. Or making predictions at least. For example, if you weren’t being miserable and depressed for the past while, would it have been less probable that I would experience an incredible libidonic windfall in the form of my sexy 2nd cousin?

She’s coming to san francisco next week. can you give her any advice?



enjoying san fran is pretty simple. just get out of the city.

if the weather is good, ocean beach fucking kicks ass. make sure and bring a jacket no matter how hot it is. wind picks up suddenly and cuts to the bone is why. also, north of the g.g. bridge there’s marin headlands– just insane good hiking there, and north of THAT is muir woods which has kickass fucking redwoods and shit. allday hiking is what that is. in the city, the trail which runs from CLIFFHOUSE to the PALACE OF LEGION OF HONOR gives you an excellent view of the bay and the bridge.

other than hiking, there is eating. HAIGHT STREET: balazo and zona rosa. MISSION: taqueria cancun (mission and 18th) and EL FAROLITO (mission and 24th) record stores: AQUARIUS, on valancia and like 21st or something. fucking awesome indian food is INdIA CLAY OVEN IN the richmond district … like fuck i forget where. use a phone book jerk. also in the haight district there’s a medical school where you can go to thel ibrary and look up pictures of diseases for free.

other than food and nature there is nothing. no cool people or culture. avoid north beach. avoid the new library. the castro is no longer gay. don’t bother. avoid all bars and nightclubs. especially avoid live music. avoid the tourist traps and eurotrash hangouts in the marina and that shitty place south of fucking the presidio.

on the other hand, walking down market street for an hour is pretty fun because you get an amazing mix of businessmen, homeless people, ‘the end is nigh’ wingnuts, clueless tourists, and drug dealers and punks.

if you see a metermaid, yell ‘get a job, fucknuts!’ and then make a ‘jerking off’ motion with your hand and crotch when they look up. what, you don’t have a car, you’re a tourist. what are they going to do? ticket your CABLE CAR??

haight street is unbelivably embarassing. but there are good burritos there so you kind of have to go once in a while.

golden gate park can be awesome. sunday is rollerblade disco day. walking around the man-made island in the middle of hte park is excellent. the botannical garden is free and should not be trifled with, particularly the section with all the succulents. free day at the zoo is a great place to see entire families of ghetto people from the projects and shit.

and everywhere you go you’ll see white yuppies with their trophy asian girlfriends. they outnumber asian guys with white girls like by 12 to one. generally you’ll see at least 2 of these kind of couples per block. just try not to notice it, i dare you. you should carry a stack of laminated badges and hand them out to these couples while saying with a smile, ”congratulations! you’re the 100th white guy asian girl couple of the day!’ and give them each a quarter and a swat on the ass. they like that because it makes them feel special.

speaking of asians, chinatown is actually pretty fun. ‘little italy’ is bogus. avoid. MOMA museum can be good or bad depending on what is showing. generally it’s a rip. go to PALACE OF LEGION OF HONOR and fuck with that shit instead. the architecture is spectacular and the mideval pictures are fucking hilarious and it has a very particular smell and is sometimes free also. also: make sure to yell ‘GET A CAR, FAG!!!’ anytime you see a bike messenger. this is good fun because they are 5 minutes behind on their delivery and can’t stop to kick your ass.


hope this helps,


Steve, are you still depressed? You shouldn’t be, from the looks of this site you’ve had an incredibly interesting life. You appear to have done a lifetime’s worth of incredible shit in the space of, well, how long have you been living in Tokyo? Like two years?

Exactly. You should count your blessings, you seem to be living the life a lot of people wish they did. Or at least, that’s how it looks from an outsider’s perspective.


i guess you had good/friendly intentions writing that but the WAY you wrote it was kind of jacked. but it turns out, it’s good that it was jacked because it made me think real deep thoughts about philosophical shits,which i will now share with you guys because i am NOT drunk.

sure my life is awesome compared to some guy in idaho working a walmart for minimum wage and no health insurance. but by the same token, YOUR life is awesome compared to some kid in Sudan who is eating UN rice in a refugee camp because both of his parents were massacared for being in the wrong tribe.

but am i going to ask you to never feel down? no i’m not.

because that’s the fuckin’ human condition, dogg. we all compare ourselves to the people UP THE LADDER from us. it’s both the blessing and curse of humanity. we are a fucking restless and selfish species. we’re always unhappy but it makes us invent new shit, to try to climb up the ladder. and that is why we have dominated the planet and cows and parrots are still using bronze age technology.

dig me?

so i am taking my ‘amazing life’ for granted. ok, guilty. it’s the human condition to just take shit for granted. even the sketchiest or most extreme shit becomes boring quickly. this is how people can have careers hookers and hired hit-men, or cops for that matter. i guess i could go live in a ditch for a week like whoopi goldberg or whatever.

anyway there are 1, wait, 3 more factors:

1) i have lots of happy days too. but if there’s one thing worse than a crabby bitter asshole it’s a boasting, egomaniac, ‘hey guys, be happy because MY life is so awesome’ asshole. so i just don’t post that stuff! which i guess gives people like an unbalanced view.

2) a lot of bipolar motherfuckers just have brain chemical shits in their dome and shit. so maybe that is why i am not as happy as i ‘should be.’ which, exactly how happy should i be? how does one compute that stuff?

3) also maybe possibly i have a private life? stuff i don’t write about because it’s nobody’s business? and sometimes shit goes wrong in the private life? which makes me a bit ill? and in this respect, i am just like everyone else you know?


Hey Slick,

First off – has to be one of the best sites that I’ve come across in many years.? Your content is fucking fantastic.? Great Style… Sick Dry Humor….? Mad Kuddos!!!

Anyway back to the matter at hand.? ?A bit about me:? I live here in Los Angeles (Melrose Area) and was one of the original punk rockers in LA.? In the 80’s I sang in a band and was part of a Punk Gang.? I also have a BA in film from NYU, was a news photographer, ran a couple of underground clubs and worked at the Viper Room.? Oh, I’m also a 10 year veteran of Burning Man ( and do a couple of bars there.? Now I’m married to a Japanese girl and have a son with her.?

Ok, enough about me here is the purpose of this note.? Since finding out about the Yamamba I’ve been on a quest.?? I would to rock the Yamamba man.? Party with them.? See and film the Para-Para. ?

We’re coming to Japan in November.? My Father in Law is a famous artist ( and my brother in law is a famous photographer there. ?My wife’s family stays in Yokahama and we usually wind up doing family shit for the duration of our stay.? Needless to say, its pretty fucking lame-o.? This time I got a hotel room in Roppongi for Fri / Sat Nov 19-20.

Could you tell me where the Manba hang and party in Tokyo? ?A better scenario would be for you to tag along and show me.? That would be pretty fucking cool because although I wind up meeting many people when I’m there I know no one.

Dear Simon,

in the 80s, what was your gang? were you in the LADS? i’d like to know more about the LADS.



what about manba??


is it true it stands for ‘Los Angeles Dick Smokazzz’?


Los Angeles Death to Shultz.

I guess during your stay in LA I or someone beat your ass and took your leather jacket.? You’re luck because I’ll try to do it again when I’m in Japan.

>I guess during your stay in LA I or someone beat your ass and took your leather jacket.?

nope. the Suicidals beat me up and stole my leather jacket. the LADS were all smoking my hogan. did a pretty good job too. ?

>You’re luck because I’ll try to do it again when I’m in Japan.

seriously though, i don’t care if you were in a gang. here’s my beef:, "i work at the viper room.i go to burning man.’ what the fuck?? i was hella laughing when i read that. wow, do you, like, have a TATOO too?? did you, like, see the PAM AND TOMMY VIDEO too?? did you, like, TOOT SOME BLOW? jesus, man, get some self respect.

besides, yamanbas are all like 18. they don’t wanna ‘party’ with a 36 year old married guy like you. they don’t need your herpes 2, they have it already.

congratulations, LADS, you are everything i hate about l.a.

his response to THAT? apparently i’m ‘euro.’


ok, here’s the MAILBAG for FALL.

first, a letter from Russia:


Dear Steven, Thank you very much indeed for your kind permission for publication of Russian translation of your Hentai Dictionary at the website Perhaps you might be curious to see how it looks in Russian, so here is the link to it: It seems that there in Russia exists a high demand on this type of information: just recently i discovered an absolutely identical text at another Russian-language website,, with no reference to [BDSM-HowTo] whatsoever: It is hard to believe that two people independently of each other may make translations of the same original that coincide to the point of punctuation marks and typing errors, so W/we are going to ask them how this could have happened. W/we feel for this purpose it will help if W/we know whether they ( website or its owner known as Lektor) have ever asked your permission for publication of your article. So i will appreciate it very much if you could advise me on this. I feel really sorry for causing you trouble if i do. Looking forward to hear from you, Sincerely yours.

so not only is there a totally random russian translation of my japanese fetish page, now there’s TWO of them and they’re fighting over me! I feel like the prom queen or something.

Fight, Russian webpages, fight!

next, a letter from America.

”going to hello kittyland in two weeks. . . help!’

Hello. I am going to visit Japan and I will have to go to the Hello Kitty place… I have heard from co-workers that bored men have places that they can "relieve" themselves there because they know it is a tough place to survive for a man. Is this even partially true? Are there girls to pleasure there??? Being that it looks like you’ve been a couple times, I was hoping for a "yes" answer and hints on where to go for this. I was also curious on how much it would be, if it were the case.


PS I love the "finger" photo with Hello Kitty. So punk!


next, a letter from Japan:






for those of you who don’t read japanese (including me!) this is a letter from Merzbow (japan’s most famous ‘noise musician’), demanding that i take down the pictures of him that are on my site. According to my friend who translated this, he claims he owns the rights to all pictures of him taken anywhere at any time. Not even Princess Diana can do that . . .but Princess Diana never released 7,000 CDs that sound like


Anyway, it’s weird having a total celebrity writing threataning legal notes to my little page. But at least that clears up the mystery of what he’s doing with his computer during his live show — apparently he’s googling himself.

anyway here is my response:

”dear akitasan, i’m sorry, excuse me please. i’ve already changed the pictures. is it ok?’


DATE: Tuesday august 5

Today I checked the ‘SEARCH STRINGS’ for my site. The search engines (google, etc.) keep track of what you guys are searching for when you are directed to my website. . . and apparently what you want is


This is the most common search string by a WIDE MARGIN.. I get like 90 hits a month just for mentioning it, AND IT’S NOT EVEN ON MY SITE.

The second most common referral is: ‘naked guy’. Followed by ‘Hulk cock,’ which is followed by ‘naked guys’ (plural). (like, when is Hulk Cock ever NOT followed by naked guys?) and every month there is exactly one person looking for ‘ishkabibble’.

One month, two adjacent search strings were: ‘how to deal with breakups,’ followed by ‘huge tits.’ Make of that what you will. . . .

The rest of the search strings read like some bizarre horse race:

‘cute characters’ is in the lead, followed by ‘eunuch,’ who is leading ‘Sverge’ by a nose, then neck and neck it’s ‘anime tits’ and ‘anime vagina’, and coming up quickly it’s ‘ninja porn’, ‘limbaugh liposuction’ and the mysterious ‘Quoom.’ ‘estrogen trans punk’ is bringing up the rear, in a close finish with ‘lego ninjas.’
. . . . but the winner is still LEGO PORN.




finally, i’ve got some hate mail! now i can say i’m officially on The Internet.

the first salvo was this:
<eddiehitler52@—— >

Eddiehitler: are you gay or just homophobic ?

me: yes.

to which "eddiehitler52" responded:

How come all of you new age Goths, Punks And Emos all seem to be no-brained arseholes who have a facination with sex and gore and have no desencecy and who are very opinionated and have no sence of moral integrity ?. Ive seen lots of people on the internet like you with all there views and are more complex mentally than a hydrogen carbonator just like you.

Instead of analizing every little thing why cant you just let people be and get on with your life ?.

me: like you’re doing right now?

Speaking as a card-carrying member of the Homophobic Gay New Age Goth Emo Community (HGNAGEC), let me just say that if you see ‘lots of people on the internet’ into sex and gore, you’ve got astoundingly bad luck. I can’t think of any other explanation for it.

I sort of imagine you blindfolded, typing in URLs at random, and then being all like, "OH darn, not another porno site! And i was really hoping to visit William Bennet’s chat room. What rotten luck. Man, look at all this sick sex and violence that I really can’t stand, and there’s so much of it! It’s like you can hardly go to WWW.SNUFFEDLOADS.ORG anymore without seeing something indecent!"

Stay tuned for Round 3.

Oh, and I’d like to ask anyone who isn’t as smart as a hydrogen carbonator to please stop reading right now. This site is not for you.




i recieved the following email, sent to my EVILOVERLORD AT account:

"hello kitty i am awsome maybe you can help me i am a hopeless romantic who is a realman and a pro poet. now i dont think that god hascreated anyone outthere for me but i am desprate to find the love of my life and the angle of my dreams if she even exists. i dout if i will ever hear from you but i would love to join evilover so that i can find a girlfriend because if i do finde her i am ready and willing to devote my intire life to her and her only. i am dedicated honest appreciative and respectfull but truefully i dont think she,s outthere. please help . you can reach me at please respond a.s.a.p and thank you for your time"

the best thing is, i have NO CONTEXT WHATSOEVER for this email. i don’t know if the person thinks i AM hello kitty, or if it’s one of my pals playing a joke, or if they just think that because i live in japan i know lots of lonely women (true).

anyway, if you want to help ‘realman and pro poet,’ (with dates, gifts, advice, phone numbers of your friends, bosses, etc.) — email me and i’ll pass it along.

also, japanese people don’t like to say my name ("Steven") , they don’t pronounce it right, EVEN WHEN I’VE CHANGED IT TO ALL JAPANESE PHONEMES ("Suteben").

my pal Pete explains why they don’t like to say it, and ALSO explains why they don’t even want to EXPLAIN why they don’t want to say it:

I think I mentioned this while in Tokyo this summer, but ‘sute-‘ sounds like the imperative or conjunctive form of the verb ‘to trash’ and ‘-ben’ sounds like the word for excrement. ‘benii'(also, the first part of benri)

what a great name!


well, that’s a handy explanation. nonetheless, future correspondence addressed to "Mr. TrashPoop" will not be answered.



DATE: friday december 19


Tokyo Damage Report email of the day:

FROM: Microsoft Online Support Center, 12/19 12:40 pm

Thank you for submitting an error report. The Online Crash Analysis tool has processed and analyzed this report.

Your system crashed because the random access memory containing Windows program code was corrupted. Microsoft is unable to determine if this corruption was caused by a hardware or software issue.

FROM: eviloverlord at, 12/19 12:45 pm

it was a hardware issue. when i got off the toilet i dropped my laptop (cue snare)



december 23

just discovered this: there’s a CHRISTIAN COMEDY SKIT webpage that is linking to my webpage. i really really like this. this is almost enough to make me like the internet.

specifically they are linking to this skit i wrote. but that’s not as important as the fact that the Christian Comedy Skit folks are directing actual christians to my webpage. and i have to wonder, WERE THEY JOKING OR WHAT??

a quick glance at their OTHER web-referrals (which i have cut and pasted below) should provide the answer

christian counselors | free graphics christian | christian cartoons | family christian bookstores | christian apologetics | christian buddy icons | christian midi | christian resources | pensacola christian college | christian research institute | free christian comedy skits | christian personals | christian hymns | christian cafe | christian guitar | christian schools | christian music videos | christian coloring pages | christian artists | christian t shirts | christian book stores | christian slater | christian bookstore | christian backgrounds | christian wedding music | christian magazines | christian web sites | christian tatoos | christian book store | christian greeting cards | christian coalition | christian singles free | christian mp3 | christian motorcycle association | christian rap | christian links | christian web hosting | christian guitar music | christian bands | christian games | christian wedding songs | christian clothing | christian cross tattoos | christian flag | christian devotions | christian movie review | christian devotionals | christian marriage counseling | christian posters | fathers day christian poems |


answer being, yes. yes they must be.

also, doesn’t seeing the word ‘christian’ written so many times, make it look misspelled?


also, feel free to write to those people and explain how offended you were when you, in good faith, clicked on their ‘christian comedy skit’ link and found yourself immersed in a cesspit of deviance.




DATE: Sunday February 8th


from the TDR mailbag:

last week, someone who enjoys the finer things in life sent me this email:


Hi There

Loved your blogg, how can I get a link from you then to my panty sales site Fancy helping me open a burusera shop if ever you return from Japan :o)

Sue x

dear Sue,

thanks for your letter AND thanks for your saucy buisness proposition!

> Hi There
> Loved your blogg, how can I get a link from you then to my panty sales site

easy! i’ll link to you if you sell used, dirty "second skins" a.k.a. "mormon holy underwear" — they’re the full body unisex underwear that all mormons have to wear at all times, except the shower. i really can’t think of anything sexier than that. shouldn’t be a problem finding it; there’s a lot of mormons so there must be alot of underwear out there.

send me some .jpegs and we’re in bizness.


p.s. not GUYS mormon underwear, man, that’s totally sick!!


4 Comments so far

  1. fizgig October 15th, 2009 12:59 am

    The Masami Akita email reminds me of Eye asking to remove those hanatarash vids on youtube… which was a bit of a shocker.

  2. admin October 15th, 2009 2:19 am

    @FIZGIG: for reals? Remove his vids or else what? He’ll backhoe your house???
    Seriously though – I don’t think these guys are motivated by copyright – I think they only want ‘elite’ people to have their stuff. Like old-school japanese musicians from before internet times. . . they had this mentality of, ‘I’m only going to make 100 copies of this – not to make more money but because only 100 people are cool enough to have it.’
    Anyone else have thoughts about this?

  3. Isaac Hayes October 15th, 2009 12:00 pm

    I think it’s strictly a marketing strategy, creating an artificially small supply in order to drive demand up. like Nigo did with BAPE, making something seem elite and “underground” by only making a few items at a time (this also keeps manufacturing costs down so they can make even MORE money). Then people will pay through the nose for 1 even if it’s just another derivative of a derivative.

  4. fizgig October 17th, 2009 8:13 am

    The guy who got the message just ignored it, and the videos are still up apparently. So it’s not like Eye went all Lars Ulrich on the guy, and he doesn’t strike me as the shifty business type either to be honest…

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