Tokyo Damage Report

random August Engrish.

also, let me introduce to you the newest Asian R&B Diva. . .

. . .that’s right. JAYRO. she’s taking over from MALY G. BRIGE.

next up is a USED GOTHIC LOLITA THRIFT STORE called CLOSET CHILD. it is in west shinjuku, (nishi shinjuku 7-chome, 10 block, to be exact), directly across from DAIKAN PLAZA.

the doorway is hard to spot so here is a picture — the highlighted bit is where you go in. closet child is on the 6th floor.

moving on, to SHOKUAN DORI, near DON QUIXOTE, (kabukicho, 32 or 41 block, southern side of the street) . . .we have what looks like a regular hostess club.

but wait — there is something weird. . . .

hey, where are you going to find so many white prostitutes all of a sudden?

that’s right! RUSSIA! what is awesome is that they actually have a picture of Red Square there, just to remind passers-by about which country is responsible for white slavery! awesome!!

next. . . no random japan photoshoot would be complete without a vending machine.


this one is for cell phone chargers! in case your phone runs out of batteries in the middle of the night. . .

and finally, here is a great example of the modern-day folk art form known as. .

the "BEWARE OF CHILD MOLESTERS POSTER". Just like its cousin, the "CONSTRUCTION WORKER HOLDING OUT A PALM TO WARD OFF INTRUDERS POSTER", countless variations of the Ghost-Pervert Vs. Elementary School Anime Girl theme can be seen pretty much everywhere in tokyo, although more of them in my hood, as it is full of foreigners. Who as we all know, when they are not busy speaking foreign languages or eating foreign foods, always manage to find time to kidnap japanese babies.

speaking of weird cultural misunderstandings,I just made a reservation at a youth hostel in hokkaido. i asked if the cafeteria was like japanese food or western food. The guy just laughed at me and said, "IT’s Japan, isn’t it??" like i was the biggest jackass. as if the concept of a Youth Hostel was, you know, totally native. LIke some samurai was all backpacking around, smoking weed and kicking it at the youth hostel back in the Edo Period. "I MUST AVENGE MY MASTER IN THE HONOR DUEL BUT FIRST I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE YOUTH HOSTEL, AS THE DOORS ARE LOCKED AT 9 PM SHARP. BUT SERIOUSLY DUDE, YOU WILL PERISH TOMORROW UPON THE MIGHTY SAMURAI BLADE. . . RIGHT AFTER I SMOKE A FAT BOWL AND SHAG AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL." what the shit .

"dude, it’s japan isn’t it?" god damn, dude. it is not totally retarded to think that maybe possibly a western style hotel would have food without squid in it. which by itself is kind of a petty complaint, but the same thing happens over and over. like i went to a party where there were 3 college students and like 5 foreigners, and they did not speak a word of english to us. i finally asked them what was their major and they all said, "we study english." i was like, "god, you HAZUKASHIGARIAs ("shy and freightened people") why don’t you practice english here at the party?" "well, we are in japan, is why." like, oh, of course. That totally explains why you are studying English. Because it is Japan and all.

I mean, Americans are ethnocentric too, but at least we are like, "do it our way, look! we run the planet, you snivelley-eyed little French fucks! our way works!" which, to our credit, at least this leaves room for argument. but the japanese are just like, "well this is japan." how the hell can you argue with that nonsense?? Why did the chicken cross the road? because this is japan. Why does no one care about politics? It is Japan. Oh right, i remember how you guys totally did not care about politics back in the 40s. Since it was japan and all. Why do you guys kill whales even though nobody else does? well this is japan. except when we are in russian waters or over by hawaii. but still it is japan somehow.


which reminds me of another rant which i have been meaning to go on — TRADITIONS. i understand that every culture has its traditions, which go back millions of years and must be respected and multiculturally nurtured and given a big hug and a Birkenstock, etc. but the weird thing is that . . . like China or Korea, Japan has hella traditions. but despite all the traditions and culture, China can still pull crazy shit like, "suddenly let’s all one billion of us become hardcore communists." and then 55 years later "PSYCHE!!! just fooling, World. Let’s suddenly all billion and a half of us become scheming capitalist cronies with cellphones and have crazy sex all the time and basically not know about AIDS ever." this despite having way more traditions and an even older culture than japan.

whereas, Japan not only keeps the 1,000 year old traditions — giri, ganbarre, tatemae, and so on, but they ARE JUST AS INFLEXIBLE ABOUT TRADITIONS THAT STARTED LIKE 40 YEARS AGO!!! like, in their subconscious or something, they honestly can’t tell the difference between some samurai rule about honoring your superiors and some 1950s rule about "everything must be sold individually shrink-wrapped even though it destroys the environment." because, you know, they are both, you know, RULES, dude. that is so psycho if you think about it.

when japan got modernized in the 50’s there was all these new situations and new technology which required new rules — many of which were totally improvised because of the rapid, unpreccedented expansion. like, "public parks can’t have grass in them, just dirt." or "shrink-wrap individual ears of corn, that is rad," or "the subway is an awesome place to do your makeup and read porn," or "travel agents and supermarkets only take cash, no atm cards even though everywhere else it is ok." or, "addresses are drawn randomly from a huge lotto machine with no regard to the addresses of the neighboring buildings."


I can hear some pseudo-intillectual Japanophile complaining "But duuude, all the modern rules are extrapolated from older, more deeper beliefs. like for instance, the rule of "no trash cans ever." yes, this is the Honorable Samurai way. Ever since that day in 1467 when Shogun Kanagawa found a ninja hiding in his trash-can waiting to assasinate him, the Shinto priests declared that trashcans disrupted the Heavenly Chi and . . .no, waitaminute. actually there IS no historical reason. some nameless beuracrat just wrote a memo, and lo — a whole nation adopted this custom. OK, i was an asshole. sorry to waste your time."


what trips me out is, we are living in an era where many of the people who made up these new rules are still alive!!! like, if i was a real journalist, i could actually hunt down some of these old guys and gals and ask them, "so how does it feel to make a whole nation standing by the vending machine drinking coffee because they can’t walk and drink?" and he would be like, "well you see my ignorant foreign friend, it is written that when the moon blows softly on the lotus petals, and the Wa is aligned with the Four Heavenly Soda-Dispensing Monoliths, that he who disturbs the Sacred POCARI SWEAT bottle by drinking and walking at the same time angers Gunga the Volcano God and…"

i mean, it is no more stupid than any country’s traditions. but it is still a trip, though.



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