Tokyo Damage Report

fashion predictions for Fall 2004

TOKYO FASHION REPORT. here’s my predictions for fall 2004. this shit is as accurate dude. this is all based on shit that i’m seeing around town. i figure if i just, like, EXTRAPOLATE it a little, it will come true soon. don’t look at me that way, dogg, I didn’t shoot versache.

#1:

the hip-hop hairstyle that is Phat for twothousand and Phour:

HEAD SHAVED IN THE SHAPE OF A BASEBALL CAP ON SIDEWAYS BUT REALLY IT’S HAIR BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A CAP DOGG DAMN THAT IS COO.


#2:

Japanese young people like to spice things up by combining traditional garments like kimono and yutaka with ‘new’ or ‘western’ fashions. the latest in this string of trends will be. . .


#3

the famously Japanese ‘mix and match and fuck context in the ear’ philosophy scores another hit:

football nurse uniforms. expect them by fall.

also, the big novelty needle? that’s a purse.

don’t laugh. they already combined ravers with bikers, and BARBIE with Al Jolson.


#4

the next Harajuku trend :

it’s cute! it’s vaguely cosplay! it’s garunteed to fall apart after 3 months!!!

it’s. . .

. . . . TAXIDERMIED DUCK’S ASS OVER YOUR REAL ASS!!


#5

Designer whores will finally go over the edge when Europe’s finest introduce…

Louis Vuitton Gimp-masks and Christian Dior Crusty Punk Buttflaps.

later it will turn out that these products were totally made up by junkie bootleggers in Switzerland, but by that time no one will care; because it’s a TREND now. anyone who doubts that trends fog the mind, look at the lady’s shirt. the shirt is ALREADY A TREND. i am not making that shit up.


#6

first it was padded bras. then, padded bras reinforced with ferro-concrete. now, Japanese women’s famous insecurity about their breast size finds a whole new, high-tech way to manifest itself:

GPS (global positioning system) scanners on each boob constantly register the boob’s position on the earth’s surface at all times. Now, FINALLY everyone will know exactly where your tiny-ass breasts are. these scanners were first used by taxis here in tokyo, then recently all cars in japan have the bastards, so why not use them for fashion too? after all, d-cup boobies are as famously hard to find as tokyo street addresses.

ironically, this new hi-tech method of breast advertisement will actually cost LESS than the average $115, J-bra.


#7

recently everyone has been putting little 2-d stickers and shiney glue-on ‘body decorations’ on their nails and even faces. so clearly the next step is…

nail FIGURINES. the ‘body art’ trend combined with Japan’s ongoing love affair with all things small, cute, and plastic, make this my most likely prediction (but by no means the least silly). look for this to start happening, say, tuesday. and don’t forget who told you first!


#8

now, for no god dammned reason, these crazy mix-n-match thrift-store fashion victims start doing THIS:

glow-in-the-dark strap-on ALIEN BABY pregnancy dress. Alternately, you can get the PREGNANT PURSE too. the rest of these outfits are NOT satire, by the way. this is a whole subculture, and they live in Kouenji.


#9

now that low-cut jeans are finally, inexorably making their way over here. . . can this look be far behind?

see that 3 inch gap between the legs? also true.


#10:

the newest, ‘no explanation and no point in looking for one’ schoolgirl trend, will be:

INFLATABLE SOCKS.

not only that, but for an extra 5000yen, the little air-tubes will squeak-out your favorite pop song when you deflate them.


#11

having run out of pretty much every other trend to steal from, the trendwhores must scavenge the bottom of the barrel:

WORLD WAR ONE "doughboy" uniform, plus FLASHDANCE.

 

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