Tokyo Damage Report

Ikebukuro aquarium: SCUBA SANTA!~!!



SOUNDTRACK: ‘get a job’ for the 4th damn day in a row, which is getting worrisome.

today’s report is on . .. well, you tell me.


You’re all like, "what the hell is wrong with this Santa?"

is that an eel between your legs or are you just. . . yeah anyway.

You’re like, "There’s something different about Frosty today. But I just can’t put my finger on it. is he normally. . . covered in shrimp????"

That’s right; it’s Christmas in the aquarium. Funny how Christmas trees become less kitschy when there is a shark on them. Sharks are handy that way. pretty much you can put ANYTHING beside a shark and it becomes kind of, you know, edgy. Hip. Sharks are the wraparound sunglasses of undersea predators.

But it gets better:

every hour, on the hour: scuba santa!!! Instead of a chimney he climbs down a ladder. And I’m pretty sure he’s a Drag King also. (you can hear him/her talk through a microphone inside the breathing mask thingy, is why I think this… ) if there’s one thing more totally unexplainable than Scuba Santa, it’s Drag King Scuba Santa!! D.k.s.s. feeds the stingrays, pets the morays, and at one point, tries to HIDE INSIDE HIS/HER LITTLE BAG to avoid a hungry shark. Isn’t that ADORABLE??

below, the bizarre, ostritch-like behavior exhibited by d.k.s.s. during a shark attack

also, this happened:

After the show, families get their picture taken with him. Instead of sitting on his lap, they sit on the ledge, and d.k.s.s. sort of spread-eagles him/herself on the aquarium wall like an octopus drying to escape. The best part of this is: I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS GOING ON. I just heard a little voice inside my head saying, ‘today might be a good time to go to the aquarium.’

I really pity people who don’t have voices in their head, man.

also, Lady Seal Training Santa had the seals play, using just their noses, an organ-and-drum version of ‘silent night.’


Later my friend told me that this show was on the news today. Not to toot my own horn, but this is like the third time that I’ve found something by accident, with no training whatsoever, and not even speaking the language. . . . and I found it at the same time, or a little before, professional Japanese news reporters found it. (the other two were the ‘actroid’ and the ‘we don’t sell nothin’ but knives here’ store)

Can I also point out that the ENTIRE AQUARIUM is on the tenth floor of a skyscraper?

Going to aquariums in japan is weird. . . . not because I can’t understand the language, but because the only word I can understand is "oishii!" (delicious!!). I hear this word at like 90% of the exhibits. The other 10% it’s "sugoi oishii!" (duuude!!! Delicious!).

" santa-san wa oishii!"




if you haven’t already voted for me, let me just say this:

i am currently losing to a blog where the guy DIDN’T go see scuba santa. he was blogging about his plans for a big night out, going to dinner with his inlaws.

my point is , even if i can’t make you vote for me, i’m sure that guy can make you vote for me.

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