Tokyo Damage Report

more weird shit I have seen, 2003 – 2008


you didn’t think i could top that t-shirt but i did: gaze upon the love hotel WHITE HOUSE: $40 for an hour of sex, $,60 overnight.

Somewhere Jay Leno is kicking himself for not knowing about this place in 1999. i’m kicking jay leno too, just because it’s easy and fun.



july 11

But, as usual, just when I’m ready to go back to California. . . . I see something that kicks my ass so hard, I want to suddenly stay forever: not only do the Japanese have this kickass, traditional style of drumming called TAIKO, where shirtless guys bang on Volkswagen-sized drums while doing situps. . . AND not only do they also have VIRTUAL TAIKO video games, where you hit plastic drums and try to keep on the beat . . . BUT ALSO they have VIRTUAL TAIKO where you’re playing along with the Village People’s ‘GO WEST.’ I mean, where else are you going to find that kind of brilliance??!

august 7

Today I go back to Akihabara, the ‘electric town.’ When I’m using the bathroom in the subway station, I notice that some homey has, for some reason, left a bunch of porn in the toilet. And there’s not even a VCR in here! unless he flushed it. . .

Then I check out the video game parlors. The weirdest thing here is not poker, or even strip poker, but strip mahjongg video games! I was going to elaborate, but I won’t.




Any shame I feel in not being the first person to discover a ‘wacky Japanese item’ is totally overcome by pride – that certain flavor of pride you can only get when you definitively prove or disprove an urban legend. Case in point: YES, THE ‘SQUARE WATERMELONS’ do exist!

Bad news is, they’re not THAT square.
Good news is, they’re now making watermelons in an even CRAZIER shape. . . so insane I can’t even show you the pictures yet. Maybe next week.



like shooting fish in a barrel, it is. ..





this has been ‘cultural mathematics, japan-style’

also, speaking of skinheads, that font of endless humor: this. awesome william burroughs porn site. example:

"It was some fucking naked nazi skinhead picture gallery listens to an because amateur glamour pictures, but now I had no choice but to accept the fact that some was indeed incinerated as well as secretly poor! When a is notable, an but babies fucking adult pictures traded a . Remembering the cosmic and anime pictures sega of the , I prostated myself before the woman that need sex of the some like babies fucking adult pictures that stood before me. Sometimes help contain the another carmen electra nude naked of the is amateur fellatio photos or some are nazi bitch self-flagellates. It was another babies fucking adult pictures, but now I had no choice but to accept the fact that another woman that need sex was indeed vile as well as wisely unspeakable! Alert all about the or dvd nazi porn breathes and a almost danced with legs pantyhose thumbnail gallery post!

i am pretty sure they are not joking. can someone who is a pornographer explain why porn sites do stuff like this?

and also, this;



apparently i am THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH to find out about this, so I have no idea why i’m bothering to post this here. It’s the ‘boyfriend pillow,’ for single ladies who want a well-dressed man to sleep with, without all those pesky orgasms. Apparently there’s a ‘wake-up’ version with a timer so the arm can ‘vibrate’ you awake in the morning.


the POOPY PICKER– toilet paper for your dog. My pal took this picture. I don’t actually have it, and i want it. please buy it for me and i will forgive you for whatever horrible things you’ve done.

HISTORICAL IRONY: in the ’30s and ’40s, white actors would put tape on their eyelids to look "Oriental’. like Charlie Chan for example. Asian-americans got all pissed about this. Well, what goes around comes around. Now Asians can take tape and make their eyelids big and epicanthic-folded. all they have to do is use that little black stick at the bottom to physically jab their eyelid until it crumples, and then stab some tape in there, and presto!

So, all you PC people, relax, everything is cool now.

also, it’s technical!

um. This didn’t come from Abu Grahib. This came from a very expensive department store in Tokyo where the fashionable young women go. The reason you don’t see this on the street is, it’s only worn in the dressing room.

Why? So you don’t smear your makeup when you try on an expensive dress.

No one wants to try on a dress where the inside is all pink/brown/orange from previous patrons’ rouge.

It also works on Miffy.

Oh, and at Nekobukuro you can get a FROG COSTUME FOR YOUR DOG.

finally, the grand finale . . .

Yes, that’s Moses parting the red sea. Of Pizza.


Friday june 27



The public phone booths here are SO AMAZING!! They’re plastered floor-to-ceiling with little flyers for prostitutes. Even if you WANTED to dial-a-hoe, you couldn’t even find the darn phone because it’s totally buried under all these ads!!

Then there’s one seafood restaurant which advertises its wares by putting a BIG BASKET OF LIVE CRABS OUT IN THE STREET out front !! Drunk businessmen hang out picking up the crabs and brandishing them at each other. It’s pretty awesome.

At the video arcade, there’s this totally mesmerizing 3-d, zero-gravity racing game called F-ZERO A/X. and even better, there’s a ‘girls only’ video game. .. VIRTUAL SHOPPING. It’s called ‘ee.mail.’

But the best part of Shibuya-the grand finale, shall we say, is this homeless guy in the subway station. He’s got huge dreadlocks, and is wearing a filthy poncho with no pants, and sitting with his legs wide open and his little chinchin hanging out. He’s not incoherent or passed out either; he’s just having a picnic of some juice and watching the people walk by, like this is some everyday stuff for him. Totally kick ass. So much of Shibuya is based on a big tease or a big con. . . everything here is like, "I’ll show you some more if you pay…" but this guy is just like, "yo, here’s the whole thing for free." It’s the perfect antidote to all the phoniness. .. I hang out thirty feet away and watch people’s reaction when they see him. In fact, nobody seems to care. Tough crowd!!

Back in good old Shinjuku Nichome (tokyo’s answer to The Castro or Cristopher Street), there’s a bunch of straight-looking gay guys and 2 of the drunkest lesbians I have EVER seen. Plus, you’ll be happy to know that rapper DMX has a gay bar named after him, as do BLUE OYSTER CULT and JOY LUCK CLUB!! That’s right: Amy Tan’s classic novel of Asian-American Feminism has been turned into a gay bar in Japan. This is especially hilarious considering how much asian-american men HATED that movie!!


oh, and on the way home, i saw YET ANOTHER robot construction worker:

july 20

at the subway station, there’s this poster depicting giant robots shooting roller-coaster cars full of smiling people OUT OF THEIR SEX ORGANS. oh, and the roller-coaster cars have GIANT DENTURES ON THEM.


november 12 2003

ok, i’m really sorry for yesterday. I don’t know what i was thinking. Talking about that nasty stuff not only makes me sound like a pervert, but it also creates a false impression about the hardworking and honest people of Japan. i would feel terrible if some lamebrain read that and said, "wow, those japs are nuts, huh?" Look, bozo, most people here are NOT into that scene, AND it was just plain wrong for me to write anything that caused a negative impression of japan. Being a fair kind of guy, today, I will try my best to present a more accurate picture of mainstream Tokyo:

there you go: the other half of the story, fair and square.


now no one can say i’m not p.c.

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