Tokyo Damage Report


Welcome to the  second installment in an on-again, off-again series which I probably should not call Kanji Kontradiction Korner. Because, just like its American counterpart, the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, the Japanese KKK is also about promoting segregation and ethnic hostility—through sheer wonton unreadability. “If the gaijin can’t literate, they can’t integrate!” might be the battle cry of the Kanji creators.


With bitter irony let us note that even the Kanji for easy” is wayyyyyy harder than it needs to be.

To begin with, they ? JUST TO BE DICKS ? split the English word easy into two different words.

.優しい means ‘ easy’ as in ‘easygoing’ or ‘easy to get along with’, buuut. . .

.易しい means easy as in ‘simple, easy to do’

then ? contradiction #2 – – BOTH words are pronounced the exact same way. Um . . guys? Your point was. . . what, exactly?

So you figure, ok, since there are two “easy”s, there would logically be 2 difficults. . .

. . .and you would be disappointed.

.難しい (muzukashii) an action which is difficult to do.

.気難しい (kimuzukashii) a person who is hard to get along with.

Ok, great, that brings us to 3 contradictions so far. Our “contradiction-to-new-vocabulary-word” ratio is exactly at 1:1. congratulations, you racists.

What makes this even MORE exasperating is that , in the original Chinese, 易しい and 優しい  ARE pronounced differently – – – 易しい is “eki” and 優しい is “yu” ? indicating that the Japanese NOT ONLY ripped off the Chinese, BUT ALSO took a logical Chinese system and deliberately fucked it up!!!




Now, I flense the popular excuse given by kanji-defenders ? to wit: . “Kanji is a logical system because it is Pictographs. In other words, IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT IT IS.”

Well, yeah, the first ten kanji at the beginning of the book look like what it is.

山  -yama, the mountain

川 – gawa, the river

口 – coochie, the um. Mouth? (a coochie isn’t a MOUTH! That’s yet ANOTHER damn thing wrong with this idiot language!!)

凹む — hekomu, the concavity or depression.

木 — ki, the tree, with its branches and roots.

But, talk about bait-and-switch !! after you finish the first lesson, EVERYTHING ELSE does not look like what it is.

.兔 -usagi, the bunny. Does that shit look like a bunny? If anything it looks more like a little Cthluhlu-head with big eyes and dangling tentacles. Compare to. 晩 (ban, or evening). Basically what the japanese language means, is that bunnies are little evenings with a small drop of drool on their right leg. “Hey, that cartoon is on ? ‘Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting a Tiny Evening With A Small Drop Of Drool On Its Right Leg.’” Great, guys.

It is easy to see how laughable this “looks like what it is” attitude is, when you start talking about abstractions like time or emotion. For instance,

頃 -―― koro, or time. (as in, my childhood time, my college days, etc.) so, exactly what does time look like, smart guy? Apparently a fish-hook next to a chest-of-drawers with . . . what? A reading lamp on top of it? A dead snake? Yeah, that’s EXACTLY WHAT I ALWAYS THOUGHT TIME LOOKED LIKE, RETARD.

One more example, since god damn it there ARE so many fish in this particular barrel I simply can not stop myself —

Hikouki (“airplane”). Now, everybody knows what a plane looks like.

And since Kanji is a “logical, pictographic” language it should be really easy to pick out which one of these four means plane, right?

.1 — 飛行機-

. 2 — 鯨


. 3 — 専門画っ子 -


. 4 — 眉毛 -


oh, tough luck, kid! Actually #1 means plane. Huh?? Look, dicks, that is not a plane. THIS is a plane.

not only does the “kanji” method take 35 strokes to do what I did in 3, but it is not even a proper pictograph!! Why are YOU guys teaching this to ME?? I should be teaching your language to YOU!





So, for our first installment, let’s try something utterly basic. Hot and cold.

. .暑い hot


. .寒い cold


so far, so good, right?

Buuuuuut. . .

You can’t say 暑い coffee. Or 寒い milk. That would be too easy, using “hot and cold” to mean “hot and cold”. In fact, 暑いand  寒い only apply to the weather or to large places. To describe an object with THE EXACT SAME ATTRIBUTE, you have to learn an entire separate vocabulary. To wit:

. .暑い hot place


. .熱い hot thing


and to make shit even more retarded, BOTH “hot”s are pronounced the same exact way! .(“atsui”). . so exactly what was the point, kid?

So, then, naturally both “colds” will ALSO be pronounced the same, right?

. .寒い cold place


. .冷たい cold thing


but. . . . . noooooooooooooo!!!!

Cold place is “samui” and cold thing is “tsumetai.”

And, then, of course, you have to re-learn THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING OVER AGAIN when it comes to ‘warm’ and ‘cool.’

. .温かい (atatakai) Warm thing


. .暖かい (atatakai) Warm place


. .涼しい (suzushii) Cool place


. . . as if THAT weren’t enough, they hit you with one final contradiction—there is no “cool thing” equivalent to 冷たい  (“cold thing”). It is as if even the inventors were so confused by their own system they just gave up before finishing the last term in the set!


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