Tokyo Damage Report

movie review: LOTR: TWIN TOWERS

 

THE TWO TOWERS:
I don’t think that Jonny has COMPLETELY LOST HIS MIND. The TWO TOWERS is a good movie compared to most of the crap that gets reviewed and eviscerated on this website. BUT It’s just not good COMPARED TO PART ONE!! I’m not denying that Gollum was amazing or that Ents are the shit. OF COURSE ents are the shit. And Gollum should be cast instead of Tom Hanks or Meg Ryan in every romantic comedy from now on. BUT I don’t see how Jonny’s razor-sharp mind could overlook the following . . .
TOP TEN PROBLEMS WITH THE TWO FUCKING TOWERS, PUNK:

THE MOVIE IS DIFFERENT THAN THE BOOK. I’m not such a nerd that I think this is NECCESAIRLY bad. But, the riders of Rohann sucked in the book, and they suck in the movie too. They’re not magic, they don’t fly, they don’t have cool ears like Elves or kick-ass warpaint like the urik-hai. If you’re going to be all blasphemous and make the movie different than the book, at least cut out most of the Rohann melodrama about Wormtounge and that old king, and the suffering peasants that no one really cares about anyway. Did anyone walk out of this movie thinking, ‘Wow, who cares about Ents or Gollum, I’m just glad they finally saved the peasants. Plus I learned so much about Rohannian culture.’ ?????

but instead of cutting out the boring parts, they make the movie different than the book by ADDING MORE BORING PARTS. Jesus! As if a movie trilogy weren’t enough, they have to add extra scenes where Frodo gets kidnapped to some random city by the Green Berets, and Aragorn falls off a cliff.

Didn’t aaragorn fall off a cliff ?apparently to his death?halfway through the movie EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THAT GNADALF FELL OFF A CLIFF , APPARENTLY TO HIS DEATH, HALFWAY THROUGH THE LAST MOVIE? If you’re going to add new material, at least make it fucking NEW MATERIAL, kid!

I liked the part where Aaragorn falls in love with this female Rider of Rohann. The director initially shows her to be the exact opposite of Aaragorn’s Elvish hoochie. The elf is totally gorgeous, stuck up and new-agey and romantic. The Rider lady is kind of dumpy looking but kicks ass with a sword. So that would have been an awesome love triangle. But then the director totally drops her character. She should have been in the siege of Helms’ Deep or (Helms’ Keep) or whatever, cutting heads and burping and farting and really REALLY being the opposite of the Elf hoochie. Then, following the siege, she should have taken Arragorn by force. But the director didn’t follow through with this promising concept so he’s a little tease.

The movie makes ABSOULTELY NO MENTION of www.shitopia.com which was so integral to the plot of the original books.

The battle scenes- are just as insanely detailed and over the top as one could expect. But I WASN’T expecting both battles to be colored black, brown, and gray. It’s like, why buy a $5,000,000 computer and spend a year doing this incredibly elaborate 3D animation, and then FUCKING RENDER THE SCENES IN THIS DISMAL PALLETE WHERE EVERYTHING IS VARIATIONS ON THE SAME 3 COLORS, AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN COOL COLORS TO BEGIN WITH???? You can’t really see what’s going on in either of the 2 main battles because there is virtually no contrast between the ‘bright colors’ and the ‘dark colors’ OK, I’m just talking about the overhead battle shots here, not the close-ups. But still, THE TWO TOWERS is all ABOUT fucking overhead battle shots.

I don’t mind that the battles go on for so long, but when the good guys finally start to win, the CLIMACTIC MOMENT of triumph, it cuts away to Frodo and Pippin having this totally sappy, heartwarming conversation about heroism and flowers and what makes a good story and bullshit. Like, even if the conversation wasn’t total schmaltz, it’s still not a good idea to cut away from the FUCKING CLIMAX of the movie to a conversation, and then, like go back to the FUCKING CLIMAX with sappy, schmaltzy music and a voice over, as if the FUCKING CLIMAX were by this time a foregone conclusion. I mean, imagine if the death star were about to explode and it cut to Yoda looking romantically into Luke’s eyes, and pan pipes were playing. What kind of bullshit is this???

I don’t mind the implied homosexuality between the hobbits. But ?really- if you wanted to cut back and forth between the FUCKING CLIMAX of the battle scenes and the hobbits, the only way to make it work is to have some ANAL ACTION going on so that the hobbits also have A FUCKING CLIMAX at the same time. THEN you’d have a worthwhile montage.

Dwarf-baiting. What is it with New Zealanders and dwarf-baiting???

And what the HELL was up with the rapping Nazgul? I’m sick of all this commercialization. As if every fucking movie has to have some rapping in it to be trendy. It’s like , why didn’t they throw Poochie The Rockin’ Dog in there too?? Plus his beats were wack.

I can see how Jonny would like the movie IN SPITE OF this bullshit, but to not even NOTICE the bullshit is odd. Hopefully part 3 will be better, but I’m more looking forward to Gollum starring in GLITTER 2.

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