Tokyo Damage Report


WHAT SUCKS IS a pretty woman who is convinced she is ugly.

What is worse is a pretty woman who thinks she is ugly . . . .so she spends lots of time and money trying to correct problems that don’t even exist.

What is even worse than THAT is, the woman who, as a result of spending time and money to correct problems that do not exist, . . . has totally thrown away and wasted all her natural beauty, and winds up plastic, ugly, and with credit-card debt and scabbed-out feet.

And the worst thing of all is, the woman who is now plastic and absurd looking, THINKING that she is “all that,” and now she is too good for me.

You dumbass. Self-esteem is not to be found at the bottom of your Vouitton purse in between bottles of foundation. If you need a quick jump-start in the esteem department, just date me and I will restore it for free, using my extravagant love sonnets, complete with wicked mandolin solos. Which brings me to today’s topic. . .




Despite the title, please don’t think of this as a man objectifying women and then judging them on their appearance. Please instead take it in the spirit in which it was written; as a feminist critique of the male-dominated fashion media and their pernicious effect on the disenfranchised female populace.

First of all, the titties.


I kid, I kid



1– no, seriously, the titties. Could we please be a little more comfortable with our natural bust size? Go to any bra shop and even the G-cups are still padded. And don’t even get me started on the padding in A-cups. If you folded one over, you would have a perfect sphere so resilient, it would make a servicable tennis ball. Perhaps tape would be involved. Not to mention the exploitation! They even got punk rockers paying $90 for bras that do what a $10-K-mart-bra ?plus- wadded-up-kleenex would do. Girls, please get over it. Small boobs are fine. Big-huge-swinging-udder-fetishes, like the draft and prostate cancer, are a burden that only men should have to carry. One in each hand.

2–obsessive eyebrow tweezing. Unless you have photographic evidence from the ‘80s (the only period in human history when Japanese women did not shave the brows) you would swear that Japanese women naturally have pathetic wispy brows that resemble the peach fuzz on the upper lip of a 13 year old boy. The utter completeness of brow-erasure from faces and history alike is fucking Orwellian. But once I saw some ‘80s magazines I was like, HOLY FUCK!!! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING ALL ALONG??? As it turns out, Japanese women, more so than other East Asians, are gifted with lush and beautiful caterpillars of thick downy fur above their eyes. Jesus, they are BEAUTIFUL. I say, Let the brows grow free!!

Why is it that girly-girl women are usually so ashamed of whatever makes them unique?

3– everyone trying to rebel by dying their hair the same putrid shade of orangey-brown. This has got to fucking stop. Not only does it look like the same mousy-brown color that western women bleach their hair to get RID of, but it does not even make you look unique anymore. Nature gave you long, straight, shiny, silky-black gorgeous hair and you don’t even want it? Are you mad? If you are going to mess with your hair, at least get like a double mohican or a crewcut or something.

4– Accessorizophobia . Japanese fashion is justly famous for its “let’s mix anything without regard for history, geography or context!” mentality. But this does not mean that you ladies can just do away with the whole idea of acessorizing and wear 8 different shades of blue, or gold socks with yellow shoes. Disregard history geography and context, sure, but make sure the colors work together. You do not want to be mistaken for a straight man who shows up to casual Friday in his nightclub outfit.

Actually I blame fucking Vuitton. His merchandise is so mandatory, no matter what color the outfit, it has to be worn with a brown Louis Vouitton bag, which inevetably clashes and makes the whole ensemble into a trainwreck. My guess is, after they passed the Buy Vuitton Bags Or Get Flensed Fatwa Of 2000, most women just stopped even trying to accessorize. Even tough-ass gangster guys carry Vouitton man-purses. what the fuck is up???I mean, that shit is fine if you are a Very Efficient German Man who wears sandals/socks/fannypack, and you place comfort and practicality over fashion. but having a man-purse FOR fashion — ??? Look, guys, deal drugs, sell hoes, cap snitches, do whatever, but PLEASE ix-nay on the an-purse-may.

5– the shocking gullibility of Japanese women. First the fashion industry, probably drunk, decided to tell Japanese women to go on diets. You can see tv commercials on the train for diet pills, where the “before” model looks like the American diet ad’s “after” model. "disgusting fat slob Keiko-chan weighs 80 pounds, what a manatee!"

I can imagine the exchange on the morning after this ad campaign, when the incredibly hung-over ad guys wake up. “NNgghh.. . .my head is killing me. . what the hell did we do last night?” “Christ, we were so hammered we just told the ladies they are fat. They are going to murder us.” “Hold up, we just made $300,000,000.” “What, they fell for it??? We were KIDDING!!” “HOLY SHIT! Pass the Courvousier!”

OK, what will we do next? Sell ice to eskimos?” “oh, I got it, I got it! What if we sell them hair straightener!” “Bwahahaha!! You crazy fucker, hair straightener! This time for sure they will know we are kidding!”

but you know what ? you can buy Special Asian-Strength Hair Straightener at any fucking beauty store. What is next? The ad industry guys just walking down the street and punching women in the fucking face?

6– COUNTERFEIT WOMEN. in addition to the Mandatory Pushup Bra Law Of 1981, let’s not forget fake eyebrows, platform shoes, “natural-looking” makeup, and hairstyles which are designed to mimic a fucking wig. Ladies, here is some late-breaking news; THERE IS NO NEED TO BE RUPAUL. you HAVE A ACTUAL VAGINA ALREADY. Here is how fake Tokyo women are: they buy fake lashes, and THEN CAKE MASCARA ON THEM. Because, you know, fake lashes look too realistic. Jesus, I am not telling anyone to listen to fucking Jefferson Airplane and start doing macrame, but could you just be a little more hippy re: natural beauty?

7– (in total defiance of 6) (fight, 7 and 6, fight!!) legs. It seems the only natural part of their body that Tokyo women ARE into showing off is their legs. Their incredibly short, pigeon-toed, curveless, shameful legs. Ladies, please. I do not want to see your weird below-the-vagina area where your legs are 3 inches apart and you could put a baseball (or an A-cup bra taped into a sphere) on a string and dangle it between them without any friction. I do not want to see you in tight jeans showing off your imaginary ass.

8– from asses, it is but a short conceptual leap to the walking. What is up with the walking? Everyone who goes to Japan comments on the pigeon-toed, painful-looking, totally artificial spastic strut of many Japanese women. A behavior seen nowhere else on Earth. What makes this especially gruesome to watch is that the motions of the knees, waist, butt, and legs have no relation to the rhythms of the actual FEET. Put another way, Most sexy people who walk, it is like, Left Foot, Butt Swings Left. Right Foot, Butt Swings Right.

But Tokyo women are like, Left Foot, Butt Swings Right A Little, Whole Pelvis Rotates Like Rickets Victim, Right Knee Almost Collapses, Left Ankle Pivots Inward, Right Foot, Butt Somehow Continues To Swing Right, Then Swings Left, Wait, Right Again, Pelvis Now Tilting Forward For Some Reason, Repeat.

The literature abounds with theories purporting to explain this. The tendon-stretching way that little girls are made to sit in elementary school. The grim determination to walk in spike heels much too high for the wearer. Spinal problems caused by wearing 19cm platforms back in the Kogal days. But what these theories don’t take into account, is, if the lady is carrying a designer handbag lodged in the crook of her elbow (and she is), then her Handbag Arm will ALSO be flapping about wildly just like the legs. To me at least, this proves that Spazz Walk is NOT a clinical condition. Maybe a psychological one, but not physical. As with all Exotic Mysteries Of Japan, the answer always boils down to one of two things; a) the construction industry says so, or b) because it is cute. So the only question which remains is, which is it?? Because neither answer seems more plausible than the other.

9- shoe issues. despite knowing the exact make and model of a million types of clothes designers, they lack the ability to tell the difference between suede and matte leather boots. Hello??? One is sleek, sexy, and dangerous, and the other is wrinkled, makes your ankles look puffy, and is most at home at a Def Leppard concert in 1986. This is not exactly Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo territory here.

10 — their brains. With so much sexism in the business and political world, you would think that young Japnese women would rebel in their personal life, which is the area that THEY control. But in fact, for every unspoken prohibition imposed on men by women, women impose TWO prohibitions on their damn selves. When was the last time you saw a girl skateboarder? Or a girl MC who could freestyle? Or a girl without makeup? A girl who is involved in politics or subversive art or graffitti? Why are the men at shows always on stage, and the only women there are the girlfriends, dutifully selling shirts and taking pictures? Sorry to be serious for a moment, but that just sucks for everyone.

11? their mysterious refusal to date me, . . .me, who is so open-minded and non-judgemental. Downright inscrutable, it is.

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