Tokyo Damage Report

Shibuya fashion report, 2005

I decided to go to Shibuya on Saturday night to look at jerks. But first, I drank about a quart of coffee and got just unbelievably high. I drank until I started having the most rediculous thoughts, and busting out laughing right in the middle of the street, heedless of people who were looking at me funny. All this just from coffee. Jesus, why is this even legal?? Anyway I ran real quick to the store and bought a little notebook to jot down my observations, to see if they would still be witty when I was “sober.” I felt like one of those early CIA guys that took lots of LSD and wrote their experience down as it was happening.

First; I think, in the interest of combatting sexism, we should start calling breasts “nuts.” As in, “damn, she is really letting her nuts hang.” Or “what are you doing, billy?” “oh, just looking at girls. . . IN THE NUTS.”

First-and-a-half: the new trend for summer, in case you are not aware, is to wear your shirt AS TIGHT AS POSSIBLE, so as to show everyone just how padded your brassiere is. and not just 3 inches of padding either, the really expensive models point these foam boobies in totally weird directions, such as directly up into the sun, or really thin pointy pads that jut out like an accusing finger: "yeah, YOU, i know what YOU are looking at, buster!" pretty much the only positive thing i can say about this trend is that the male version has not caught on. yet.

Second; remember the wack-back paddle? Where a kid would spend hours hitting a rubber ball, attached by a rubber thread to a wooden paddle? I came up with a much more poorly-designed version, the Wack-Back At-Latl. This is how high I was off of coffee.

Third; Shibuya street kids tend to squat in the middle of the street. Just all day, camped out there. I never see them actually walking ,because they just spend all day camped out, squatting in the middle of the street. So I wondered, WHAT IF THEY WALK THE WAY THEY SIT? All scuttling sideways like a crab, still squatting, taking tiny steps. All bad stop-motion animation style.

Fourth; there were some lame center-guys in Shibuya, but the really extreme ones, the Navajo Rod Stewart guys with totally black skin, the guys with the crazy textured clothes, have all mysteriously dissapeared. Where have they gone? My first thought is, they have finally got every single venereal disease there is to be found in Shibuya, and they were like, “My work is done here.” And just teleported away. My second thought is. .. what if they finally invented some pants with such a crazy texture that they were turned into Pure Energy? Like, “OK, what have fifteen layers of paisley silkscreen on top of each other, and then put it in the Distressing Machine to make it look like it has been worn since 1975 by a member of Aerosmith. . . .and then we SILKSCREEN THE WHOLE THING ONTO LEATHER FRINGE. . .. aiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!”

Fifth; the best guy here was this tall skinny b-boy with the wraparound sunglasses and the peach fuzz moustache and the do-rag and tent-sized t-shirt. . . but his do-rag and shirt were HOT PINK. And he was just standing around like, “what?” you know, one of those people that take a lame look and just overdo it to such an extent that it becomes amazing? I would keep walking back and forth up and down Center Street, and whenever I would pass him, I would get some of these crucial insights like I am writing down. It became apparent that he was my Muse. His shirt was saggy, shorts saggy and backpack saggy. I started thinking, what accessories are there that have not yet been made saggy? SWEATBANDS. Like 4-foot-diameter sweatbands that hang down past your ankles. THUG LIFE!! Or, like saggy neckties that go in your shorts, and then the end falls suggestively out the bottom of the shorts leg? I bet the ladies would love that.

Sixth; normally I associate sweatpants with overweight people who do not care about hygiene, but here i saw some lady walking past who was the exact opposite of that stereotype. She had the tightest, lowest sweatpants ever. And she looked excellent. And I thought, SHE HAS UNLEASHED THE POWER OF SWEATPANTS. I pictured her at some Tony Robbins seminar, all paying $4,500 for a weekend retreat to learn how to UNLEASH THE POWER OF SWEATPANTS. And Tony is wearing his usual suit jacket and tie, and oxford shirt, but also with sweatpants. And he is delivering this totally impassioned, buzzword-laden empowering speech about UNLEASHING THE POTENTIAL OF SWEATPANTS. All, “If you believe in yourself you can make sweatpants sexy and hot! Visualize them tight and low and proactive!” and this girl is like, tugging her pants down, and he just smacks her. “NO!! you have to do it WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MIND ALONE! Only with pure mind power can you truly UNLEASH THE POWER OF SWEATPANTS!” And then it goes into this whole Obi-Wand-and-Luke jedi mind training montage, and at the end, she concentrates really hard and her old funky grey Sears sweatpants shrink, tighten and lower to within an inch of her pubis, accompanied by nifty glowing light and thunder special effects. And then, for an extra fee, you can take the Advanced Class where you have to mentally lower and sexify the pants WHILE WALKING ON HOT COALS. But then she concentrates even more and the pants lower all the way to her ankles. She is like, “HA HA, THE PUPIL HAS BECOME THE MASTER NOW!!” and then her and Tony Robbins get in this huge Jedi Mind Trick Sweatpants Battle; he makes her sweatpants all huge and billowy and then she telepathically makes his pants melt away and then he reconstructs them out of steel and then messes with the vertical hold on her sweatpants so they sort of swoop up and down rapidly and then she unweaves his sweatpants thread by thread and telekinetically ties him up with it, but in the end, he makes a FUCKING HUGE SWARM OF BEES ALL SWARM OUT OF HER SWEATPANTS FROM EVERY HOLE, and all the other people in the class are like DAYMMM, YOU GOT SERVED.

Seventh; Lots of kids in the boring hicktowns of Japan dream of coming to Shibuya because it is like totally the most cool place and stuff. They copy the fashions and read the magazines about Shibuya, but most of them never make it here. So I figured, as long as they are imitating it, why shouldn’t they also SMELL like Shibuya? Because that is a very distinct odor. I will get rich selling Eau De Shibuya perfume. It should be pretty cheap to make,too, considering that it is basically lots and lots of piss.

Eighth: There was this amazing little guy with huge hairspray hair and tight pants, all looking cool. He was a classic Center Guy except he was not tan. But he DID have this outrageous pair of snakeskin elf shoes ? like super pointed and curled up a bit on the end. The only way these shoes could have been cooler was if, instead of elf bells on the pointy ends, if they had rattles instead. And I sort of pictured this guy standing in front of the shoe store looking at his wallet and going, “FAKE TAN OR REPTILE ELF SHOES? FAKE TAN OR REPTILE ELF SHOES?!?” because this is the kind of dilemma Japanese guys face.

Ninth: what if there was a world where courtship was different? Like instead of flirting, people that liked each other traded insults. The idea being, “if I can destroy this person’s self ? esteem, until they think I am just totally out their league, then they will jump at the chance to go out with me!” instead of amassing fancy jewels and cars, men and women would amass put-downs and snaps. Eventually, people would catch on that the most beautiful people would be getting the most insults (because they have the most suitors), and so the normal people would have to try to look uglier, so as to be easier to insult and then “catch up” to the movie stars and models. And then there could even be this sort of ugly arms race.

Tenth: there’s all these guys in kabuki-cho who run up to you and ask you if you want to get a massage and some sex at this bar. You kind of see them out of the corner of your eye and if you do not instantly veer away, they are on you like ticks. This makes me think of a new video game ? kabuki-cho frogger. You have to cross a street in kabuki-cho without hitting a hooker, pimp, wino or mobster. Someone please write the code for this. Actually one guy tried to ask me if I wanted to see naked girls and I said, DUDE I ALL I WANT TO DO IS WANT TO DRINK COFFEE CHECK OUT THIS BOTTLE OF COFFEE I AM CARRYING MAN, I DRANK THE WHOLE THING AND I WANT MORE OH DAMN THIS IS GOOD COFFEE YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING? And he said, uh yeah, and ran away. So now you know what to do.

Eleventh: what if the guy asking you if you wanted to have sex, WASN’T EVEN WORKING FOR A BAR? What if that was just his hobby?? He’s all like, “yeah, I am doing a survey for science. There is a great controversy in the field of anthropology right now. Because we have no idea if men like sex or not. There will be many skeptics seeking to discredit my research, so please be extra super honest: do you want a massage from a japanese girl? Huh?”


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