Tokyo Damage Report



During my time in Japan, i have been lucky enough to make a lot of wonderful friends! Today I want to share some heartwarming stories of What Friendship Means To Me:

I am walking down the street with my buddy Moyce when we run into friend #1. who says, “Hey, what are you dudes up to?” and I go, “Oh, I am getting kicked out of my house my job and the country.” And #1 goes, “well then, I guess your japanese experience is at an end, then, isn’t it?” and smiles at me? Like I should appreciate the witty bon mot? And then without missing a beat, turns to Moyce and goes, “OK, and you, how are YOU doing?”

Later, I am at a bar in Kouenji, when I receive a cell-phone mail from friend #2, saying “sorry I didn’t get your call. I am going dancing now.” I have known #2 for years, and really respect #2, so I email back, “I hope you really enjoy dancing." and then, I add, "if I was a millionaire I would buy you a flat in Paris. I hope that all your dreams come true.” In response, #2 has been ignoring me for a week.

UPDATE: 2 weeks after, finally got a reply from 2. they made no response to my mail; and in fact showed no interest in me at all, instead saying simply , "hey, i went to a cool bar yesterday bye!" . . . i was so confused about this that i just sent back an email of random japanese letters , translated here as : EMZFGNEI ? AETHIASEZDXH? TASMNEITEH!

As for friend #3, #3 is one of my oldest friends in Japan; over 2 years. #3 likes me so much that #3 invites me to meet their family, and sit shiva (or whatever they call it in Buddhist) at their mother’s grave. A few days later, I tell #3, “I am applying for a job at a company, and they need a reference ? a japanese person who can vouch for me. Can I give them your email?” and #3 is like, “of course not. No.” and #3 KNOWS that if I don’t get a work visa, I will be extradited.

Moving on to friend #4, . . . #4 sent me an email. basically talking about how great #4’s life is, without even a fake and forced-sounding “how are YOU?” . . . to say nothing of, for instance, “are you still getting kicked out of the country? I am worried.” Um, nope. Instead, #4 brags about going to this art show. . .um, the art show that they invited me to go with them, like a month ago. And I wrote back saying, “yes, thanks, please”? And then they never wrote back? and instead, went without me? And now they expect me to be like, “That is so wonderful, I bet you had fun! Go you!” and the most amazing thing is, #4 has no idea that this is even slightly fucked. So, just like #1, in addition to the disrespect, there is this weird, crazy-making Twilight Zone-y effect where I have to wonder , “Did I just step through some dimensional doorway into Planet Remulon X-9, where this kind of shit is ok with everyone?”

And #5. oh, man #5. where do I even start? 5 is this total anime nerd. Back when 5 first moved here, 5 only had 2 pals. Even though I could give a fuck about anime, I hung out with 5, and tried to help 5 get friends and a job because I have a soft spot for alienated, awkward, mixed up kids. Guess why. But now that 5 has made friends with the “popular crowd” (trannies, goth-lolis, assorted wanna-be fashion models). . .rather than repay my kindness by inviting me along to the high-fashion events, 5 responds by just totally ignoring me. I am sure that everyone has known people like this, right? But what makes this particular incident unique is that I totally caught them in the act!

check it out — I am out walking on a sunny day. phone 5 but they don’t answer. Whatever, ok. I keep walking down the street and an hour later I run into 5 by accident. 5 was in the hood the whole time, but just didn’t want to take my call, because they were with their cool new fashion-model friends ? and I can see in 5’s eyes that 5 knows that I know. For instance, instead of saying “Hi!” or “how are you?” what comes out of 5’s mouth is, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????” I am like, “oh, just smacking fools silly. The usual. Are you going to introduce me to your pals?” 5 says, “Oh, I don’t know them. I just know the one guy.” Funny thing ? 5 doesn’t introduce me to him, either. A classic moment indeed.

So, what do these 5 pals have in common? Guess. All japanese? No. All 20 year olds who don’t know better? No. all with a motive for revenge against me? Not that I am aware of.

C’mon, guess!


Here is a hint. . . they all have a thing.

. . . A thing that babies come out of!


Generally, we call these type of people, women.

Now, don’t get it twisted. I am not saying that most women do silly stunts like these. but, the fact is, the people who did these particular silly stunts were, actually, women. as in, they had nothing in common with each other besides a) a tiz-nendency to fi-znuck with me, and b) wiz-oumbs.

Now, those of you with half a brain will be saying, "Um, is it fair to point out goonish behavior only if it is done by people who have birth canals? Don’t the humans with Millions Of Little Wigglies also act goonish? Surely there is not such a vast difference between them and women.



sorry, that joke NEVER gets old and NEVER WILL get old.


Excuse me.





Anyway, Good point. Two rebuttals. First, when one gender, and I’m not saying any names here, constantly brags that they are, "more betterer at communication and feelings," and, "is naturally more in tune with relationships and networks." . . . in that case, it is fair to pay special attention to them, just to check if those brags are true.

Personally I would like all the stand-up comedians, self-help book authors, and undergraduate humanities professors who say that stuff, and tell them, "Yo, get on the first plane to japan, then physically attatch yourself like a lamprey chaperone to all my female pals, and either make my pals live up to your claims, or take your phoney moral high ground and insert it in your butt with a back-hoe. Or if not make the claims come true, at least make them something other than , say, completely the opposite of true. That would also be nice. "

Rebuttal #2 – of course dudes do dirt also, but most months, women and men fuck with me about equally. So therefore, it is Not News. This month, for some reaon, dudes are mellow and it is all females. Therefore, news. See, I am not anti-women. I am ANTI-GENDER-INEQUALITY. I am only outraged that women and men are NOT EQUALLY fucking with the kid. I am so so very PC and you know this.

I am . . . .what is the expression? Oh yeah, i am Just Saying. I am just noticing a trend here. Please don’t blame the messenger. I’m not making women look bad, women make themselves look bad when they act a certain way. It ain’t like I was all “Hey baby, what is your sign? and by "sign" i mean fellatio. Of me. By you. and by "what is," I mean "OK, well, if you insist.". ” It ain’t like i said, “Fuck no I won’t give you a raise, you dumb broad. Go home and bake cookies for Jesus.” These are all platonic pals that I treat like my man pals, and have no nasty thoughts about whatsoever. In fact, you couldn’t pay me enough to. Ok, 4 out of 5, but still.


Sure, the incidents themselves are small but they kind of build up over time. Like, years of time.

And you know who is going to pay the price for it, down the road? Some perfectly nice woman who will make the mistake of loving me. I will not be able to trust her or have a stable relationship with her. But on the other hand, I WILL get to yell at her and be scary and resentful for no reason, and generally take out all the anger that I built up being a “gentleman” to my so-called “friends.”

So I’ve got that going on, too!
No comments

No comments yet. Be the first.

Leave a reply