Tokyo Damage Report

beauty treatment or S/M toy?


all of these from Tokyuu Hands, a popular department store!

for around $25.00, you can get SURIMU HO HO, which i think translates to : slim hoho!

the rest of the thing says,

"training and stretching. once a day ten minutes. Mouth corners up! Get a small face! acne! mouth stink gets the feeling, the method! mouth more su-kiri smiling face up!"

I leave it as an exercise for the reader, to contemplate which is more amazing :

1) the invention itself

2) a woman thinking "you know, i really need a slimmer ho-ho, and by putting this thing in my face i can also cure my acne and mouth stink!", and then she buys it

3) the engrish


4) the actual day in the life of the model who had to pose for the photo. Was she, like just the niece of the inventor who, kind of, did this as a family errand between walking the family dog and picking up the dry-cleaning? Or was she some small-town girl who came to the city with stars in her eyes, trying to make it as the next super Linda Evangelista, and then wound up with Slim Ho-Ho all up in that grill, trying to choke back her tears?


Next, we have, for around US$8, COCO, the Be a Cleopatra’s Nose!

again, please ask yourself which is most amazing, 1,2,3,or 4.

but also, add –

5) the notion that this would , in any other context, be a total S/M appliance. In fact there is a whole genre of nose torture videos. i thought i had seen it all, but Sailor Moon snot monsters. um. damn.


moving on to . . .

for roughly the same cost as COCO Be a Cleopatra’s Nose, you could also get the SLIM MOUTH PIECE.

which, when used once a day, for 2-3 minutes, is garunteed to "su-pa strong" as well as "facial expression muscles increase," and "left-right muscle strength , smiling face increase, balance good mouth turning and shape becoming action because! bridge correct dentist! but, pickup and pinching also! "

if you are not completely persuaded by SLIM MOUTH PIECE’s claims of "balance good mouth turning," there is a rival product which looks like this:

their slogan, detailed in the red dot, proclaims "LOVELY FEELING EXTENT UP!"


Next, for US$30D, SHOUGAN SAUNAMASUKU. (small face sauna mask). honestly i have no idea why japanese women want to have "small face."

"faceline streamlined!! sauna mask."

at home, light hands because aesthetic! three dimensional design and different red materials!

because, as i have been saying all along, Hannibal Lechter is the next cutest thing to Hello Kitty.

if you are not totally satisfied with the performance of your small face small sauna mask . . .you can upgrade to the sauna BELT.

tightly fight! three-dimensional passing the judgement! cheek meat possession and raising while concentrated shape-up!


now, if , on the slim chance that your shaped-up cheek meat does not attract like 23 dudes in limosines, you might have to just throw caution to the wind and grab you some. . .


(alulminum heavy jaw shape!)

affixed and merely sweat goes in, feeling of reality sauna!

in only a small time, contrated eruption of sweat! feel refreshed and sharp!

aluminum’s reflection, universe clothing wave keeps in warmth!

plus, . . . YOU GET TO LOOK TOTALLY HOT IN YOUR CYBER GIMP OUTFIT! she looks like she is ready to punish HAL9000 for something, right? speaking of stuff that i absolutely can’t explain outside of a brothel of pain . . .



finally, the ho-pu up roll!

you can hit your cheeks with it for. . . hours, or. . .

um, ok!


No comments Tags:

No comments yet. Be the first.

Leave a reply