Tokyo Damage Report

Archive for February, 2006

my personality displayed as a political platform

pro-dancing like a pirate, anti-bouncer pro-david foster wallace, anti- dudes-who-think-he-is-too-whacked-out-i-mean-come-on-he-is-obviously-doing-that-on-purpose-dude pro-freestyle, anti-rapping because you want to sell shoes anti-burning-man, pro-burning-hippies pro-opeth, nomeansno, burzum, hello kitty, jalapenos, katatonia, and missy elliot, anti-people-who-are-not-them-or-in-the-case-of-jalapenos-do-not-eat-them anti-girls-who-front-like-they-don’t-belch-or-fart. pro girls-who-can-do-math anti-sunglasses, tattoos, or anything that suggests you are ‘edgy’ and ‘have an attitude’ anti-2live-crew, pro-2live Jews anti-having-a-sense-of-entitlement, pro-worrying pro-fessor Griff Anti-christ. […]

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Anal science update

fun medical fact if one has bad-enough diarrhoea, at some point the poo is under so much gas-pressure that it stops coming out like cheap curry and starts coming out like frappuchino, all carbonated tiny bubbles. that’s right: crappuchino. remember, i am not doing this for me; i am not doing this for you. i […]

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CALL OF THE LATE NIGHT HOSTS

over my stomach flu. Had a nightmare last night. I was in a big (100 meters square), steamy, low-ceilinged roman bath, with wood walls and an intricately-patterened ceiling of what looked like acoustic tiles from a recording studio. the rear of the huge room was divided into individual two-meter-wide private units by walls which rose […]

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california culture shock . . . .

all these waaay-too-california moments happened right when i got back from Japan . .. and reminded me why i am so ashamed to be from here. #1 I was in the health food store. The cashier was eyeing my tofu and soymilk with distaste, saying that it was kind of a sellout health food, and […]

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totally not a Jew-joke

Where do I even start with this? OK, circumcision. Fine. That is a thing which exists. But some really hard-core Jews turn it up a notch. They’re like some Mosaic hipsters, all “Oh, circumcision was cool back in the 12th century, but now everyone is doing it, it’s too trendy. But let’s see the gentiles […]

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oh God she’s back

and this time she is dating cannibal corpse?? . . . talk about your gluttons for punishment. is cannibal corpse really in love? let’s find out! (reading from left to right) “cannibal corpse ringtones” NOT SURE “stalking your every move?” MAYBE “her crotch is bleeding?” YES! I can’t even figure out what is the weirdest […]

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the irony of social networks

I realized what Myspace is ? high school yearbook signatures. Terrabytes of them. Used to be that you only had to endure that circle-jerk of shallowness once a year. (Dood, remember that party, ur so kewl have a wicked rad summer don’t ever change xoxo). Now, thanks to myspace, we can do that all year […]

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philosophical question for you.

Straight women: have you ever been walking down a sunny street, by yourself, having a good time, and suddenly you see this totally gorgeous guy, your potential soul-mate? And he is beaming his radiant kind smile at the total skank he is with? As if she were not, in fact, a total skank? Gay guys: […]

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suddenly, politics!

In the months following 9/11, approximately everybody in the USA said, “if you criticize the president, you’re a traitor!” Like even if you said something pretty obvious like, “So if 17 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi Arabian, why are we attacking Afghanistan and Iraq?” they’d say, “Shut up, Hippy McTaliban, why do you want […]

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MEN’S FASHION.

So, low-rise jeans. This is a thing that people do. Still. But now it’s gotten to the point where if you talk about a lady’s cleavage, I assume you mean her pelvis cleavage, where you can see the start of her legs above her pants-line. As this ASCII art demonstrates: …\ ……………………/ …|………………….. | …| […]

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snoop dogg’s autobiography: pure shizzle?

So, I read SNOOP DOGG’S autobiography. It is called the DOGGFATHER. You must read this. It is so fucking fantastic I don’t know where to start. First, it’s my favorite kind of autobio: the kind where they brag about all the sex and drugs that they had, but AT THE SAME TIME they go “But, […]

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my religion

I used to believe there was no God. However, recently I had a vision. It came to me in the shower, after a significant amount of Smirnoff. But a vision nonetheless: if the catholics can drink wine, I can drink vodka. At least my libation doesn’t turn to blood in my fucking duodenum. But I […]

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