Tokyo Damage Report

philosophical question for you.

Straight women: have you ever been walking down a sunny street, by yourself, having a good time, and suddenly you see this totally gorgeous guy, your potential soul-mate? And he is beaming his radiant kind smile at the total skank he is with? As if she were not, in fact, a total skank?
Gay guys: see (straight women)
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Lesbians: have you ever been swaggering down a sunny street, by yourself, sweat condensing on your tattooed biceps, and suddenly you see this amazingly beautiful woman, your potential future wife? And she is beaming her blindingly white smile at some douchebag loser guy who is totally not you? But she is with him anyway? Despite his being obviously not you?
Straight guys: see (lesbians)
My point is, we all experience jealousy at some point . . . even those of us who are in a relationship which rules! The question is, how to handle it? Maybe some asshole psychologist jerkface who is a jerk would say “move on. Be mature and glad that they are happy.” And maybe that is healthy. But chances are, if you managed to find this website, you are not exactly interested in mental health, so we can pretty much discard that option.
Let’s face it ? seeing someone you like, with another person, is not fun. Those of you who have been reading this site for a while know that I am a sunny optimist and life-lover at heart, so when I see that kind of couple, I try to keep my spirits up by saying, “That’s ok, she has herpes anyway. And he’s married to another woman. Who will get the herpes and club him with a tire-iron, and then blame it on some Muggers Of Color when the cops come. Jesus, what a racist douchebag. No wonder he’s cheating on her.” My other stay-positive, sunny-side-of-life, affirmation that I think is, “Enjoy it while it lasts, Jerkass. This is pretty you’re your last time together where you will be truly happy, because tonight she’ll tell you she’s pregnant. And you’re going to have a huge fight over whether to keep the baby, and then you’ll have to drop out of school to get a job to feed it, crushing your dreams of being a lawyer. Not realizing that it’s your older brother’s baby anyway.” See, usually this cheers me up.
But ?as cheerful and optimistic as I am ? there are times when I realize that, odds are, they will be having total complete sex that night. With boners and everything! And one of them will probably even enjoy it! Which ? how do you even begin to solve a problem like that?
At some point I hit on the solution. Everyone, point to that couple that is messing up your day, and say it with me one time:
IF YOU AND YOUR WACK LOVER INSIST ON WALKING IN PUBLIC, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO HAVE SEX RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK WHERE WE CAN ALL WATCH.
Stay with me here. This makes sense. Compared to imagining them doing it, seeing them actually go at it is waay less irritating. Because at least you get a real show. At that point, it becomes porn, which is entertainment. I have yet to get jealous of anyone in porn. Instead of being like all feeling sorry for yourself, you can high-five the pedestrians standing next to you, and yell “Faster!” Plus, if the douchebag boyfriend IS an, um, ‘astute fucker’, then you can realize that she is with him for a reason, which will make you less mad at God. If the guy is terrible, then you can be like, “Ha. Ha. Serves you right for dating him and not me!” if the LADY is terrible, on the other hand, you STILL come out ahead: “oh damn, I am not missing out on anything here. Jealousy . . . fading. . . fading. .. . gonnnne.”
BONUS OPPOSITE-GENDER-PRONOUN VERSION FOR THE LADIES:
if Cute-Guy’s Skanky Girlfriend IS a good lover, then you can realize that he is with her for a reason, which will make you less mad at God. If the skank is terrible, then you can be like, “Ha. Ha. Serves you right for dating her and not me!” If Mr. Cute is terrible, on the other hand, you STILL come out ahead: “oh damn, I am not missing out on anything. Jealousy . . . fading. . . fading. .. . gonnnne.”
Now, my question for CALI DAMAGE readers of all genders and orientations:
If you had a ray-gun that could make those couples just GBNAF (as Ice-T would say), would you use it? or would that just make it worse?
“But Schultzzz,” you say, “as long as we are speaking hypothetically, why can’t we simply have a ray-gun that causes that person to fall in love with US?” Because that would be unrealistic, is why, sissy.

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