Tokyo Damage Report

suddenly, politics!

In the months following 9/11, approximately everybody in the USA said, “if you criticize the president, you’re a traitor!” Like even if you said something pretty obvious like, “So if 17 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi Arabian, why are we attacking Afghanistan and Iraq?” they’d say, “Shut up, Hippy McTaliban, why do you want our soldiers to die?”
Since 9/11, Bush’s approval rating slipped from 90ish% to 33ish%.
So, I am no mathemetologist, but, it seems like the majority of Americans done changeded their minds about him. The same people who said any criticism is anti-american. How did that happen?
I’m not asking WHY republicans are critical now, I’m asking HOW they justify changing their minds.
Do they ever once think, to themselves, when no one is around, “Ok, i spent 6 years saying Clinton was a murderer and a liar and should be impeached. Then Bush got elected, and I said anyone criticizing the president for any reason was a big fat traitor. And now I think bush sucks, and it is OK. Damn, how did that happen?!!! I’m so amazing!!! Hey, football isn’t on for another 5 minutes, so let’s spend this commercial break to formulate a coherent explanation for why nothing I say is every contradictory or even slightly wrong in retrospect.”
I’m talking about all these newly-enlightened Midwesterners who are just now like, “Duh? He done did something bad? What? Sorry, I was at Wal-mart searching for oversized sweatpants to fit my huge middle-american ass for the past 3 years. What’s all this about torture and domestic spying?”. . . .I know the practical thing is for the Left to unite with them and make political progress that way. But shit; they called us america-haters for like 3 years, for merely saying the same shit that they are saying now, and we’re supposed to embrace them now? FUCK IT – I want payback. I’m talking about: Tie up all the bush voters to a chair and interrogate them. It would have to be a pretty big chair. I know. I have people working on this. That is not the point. The point is, have a huge bass-heavy loudspeaker to yell at them like they yelled at us:
“WHY DON’T YOU APPROVE OF OUR WAR PRESIDENT? ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT DEMORALIZING OUR BRAVE TROOPS IN THE FIELD WITH YOUR ANTI-AMERICAN POLL ANSWERS?”
“But, he lied to us about the reasons for Iraq war.”
“SO WHAT? THAT WAS PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE BEFORE THE WAR! AND YET YOU SPENT 3 YEARS CALLING ANYONE WHO SAID ‘HE LIED’ A TRAITOR. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?’
“Well, that’s different. Back then,I thought we’d win.”
“ASSHOLE. WHY ELSE DON’T YOU LIKE HIM ANYMORE? BESIDES YOUR TIES TO AL-QUEDA I MEAN?”
“Well, his FEMA response was not good. He should have admitted he made a mistake in the planning.”
WHAT? DEMANDING ACCOUNTABILITY FROM AN ELECTED OFFICIAL? DIDN’T YOU GET DRUNK AT A FAMILY REUNION IN 2004 AND CALL YOUR COUSIN AN AMERICA-HATER FOR SAYING THE SAME EXACT THING?”
“Well, he IS an america-hater. I’m not ?I just don’t like the way the President is leading the country right now.”
“THAT IS WHAT YOUR COUSIN SAID, TOO, AND YOU JUST YELLED OVER HIM. YOU HYPOCRITICAL SWINE. SO YOU DON’T LIKE THE PRESIDENT? WELL, SADDAM HUSSEIN IS WORSE. DO YOU WANT TO PUT SADDAM BACK IN POWER? HUH? HUH?!? YOU SADDAM-LOVING TERROR-HUGGER?”
“Plus, he’s helping illegal immigrants. They’re called illegal for a reason!”
“WHO CARES? WHEN YOU CRITICIZE THE PRESIDENT IN TIME OF WAR, YOU GIVE AMMUNITION TO THE ENEMY. YOU SAID THAT YOURSELF, BACK IN JANUARY. YOU MADE ABSOLUTELY NO DISTINCTION BETWEEN CRITICIZING DOMESTIC AND FOREIGN POLICY; IT WAS ALL VERBOTEN.”
“that was different! That was about unimportant stuff like torture, not the sudden and drastic problem of Mexicans.
“WHY DO YOU REPUBLICANS ALWAYS BLAME AMERICA FIRST? ‘OH HE TOOK THE WRONG POSITION, LET’S JUST BASH THE HEAD OF THE FREE WORLD! NEVER MIND WHAT OTHER COUNTRIES ARE DOING TO ENCOURAGE IMMIGRATION, LET’S STRAIGHTAWAY BASH THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT BECAUE WE HATE FREEDOM AND JESUS. PASS THE TOFU!’ CHRIST ALMIGHTY, YOU REPUBLI-HIPPIES MAKE ME SICK.”
*sobs uncontrollably*
“SO ONE LAST TIME I’M ASKING YOU, WHY IS IT OK TO TALK BAD ABOUT HIM ALL OF A SUDDEN? TO KICK THE PRESIDENT OF THE GOD DAMN UNITED STATES OF JESUS, WHEN HE IS DOWN, AND MAKE THE TERRORISTS LAUGH AND GIGGLE AND PLAY WITH YOYOS AND SPOON EACH OTHER? WHEN DID THAT BECOME OK?”
“well, because your mom, is why. Look, i want my side to win. Logical consistency and principles are for losers and whiners. If he is doing something to piss off liberals, any criticism is unpatriotic. if he is doing something I don’t like, criticism is ok. And if he has become a political liability to the republican agenda, that is a worse crime than legalizing torture, suspending due process, domestic spying, stealing an election, and raping the environment combined. We will turn on him like hyenas, with no thought to any of our previous ‘war-president-is-unassailable’ rhetoric. Frankly, we can’t believe you guys were so stupid as to be cowed by that.”
“THANKS FOR YOUR HONESTY. YOU HOLE. HERE IS A RED-WHITE-AND-BLUE BAG FULL OF JESUS PISS AND GOD SMEGMA. NEXT TIME YOU FEEL AN OPINION COMING ON, SUBMERGE YOUR HEAD IN IT COMPLETELY UNTIL THE FEELING GOES AWAY.”
Then, untie them from the chair and let them stagger out into the light of day. Praise the lord, the end.

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