Tokyo Damage Report

totally not a Jew-joke

Where do I even start with this? OK, circumcision.
Fine. That is a thing which exists.
But some really hard-core Jews turn it up a notch. They’re like some Mosaic hipsters, all “Oh, circumcision was cool back in the 12th century, but now everyone is doing it, it’s too trendy. But let’s see the gentiles try THIS!” and then they bend over and METZITZAH B’PEH all over your baby. Metzitzah b’peh is not some guy who hangs out with Cthlulhu, and it is not a death metal band. Yet.
What it is, is a 5,000 year-old Hebrew word. METZITZAH means “circumcise” and B’PEH means, of course, “by the mouth”. I am so totally not making a Jew joke. This really happens. According to Jewish Week magazine, Rabbi David Zwiebel says that it happens 2,000 times a year in NYC alone.
NY DAILY NEWS , being a respectable newspaper, describes the proccess like this:
“The practice, known in Hebrew as metzitzah b’peh, involves a practitioner, or mohel, drawing blood from a child’s circumcision wound by mouth.”
This being a mere webpage,though , I think it is safe to call it “vampire pedophile blowjobs.” Occam’s razor, motherfucker!
What is amazing is, think of all the bullshit that Jews get accused of throughout history- running the banks, doing the trade center bombings, eating christian babies and putting the blood in the catholic wafers, making up totally fake holocausts at the drop of a hat ?
. . . and the whole time racists were making up dumb rumors, some hard-core Jews were doing real shit that was like ten times worse. Just goes to show that racists do NOT HAVE IMAGINATION.
So, vampire pedophile blowjob. And that is not even the punchline.
the punchline is, what happens when you combine metzitzah b’peh with a herpes, aids, syph, ghonnorea- infested rabbi?
Well, the baby gets the disease. One child died last year, and 6 more cases of herpes-babies were reported. all 7 were b’pehed by the same guy.
This totally sounds like something you would read on or something. But I am only quoting newspapers and Jewish magazines here. In fact, the herpes-killer rabbi himself has a page! That’s right, not only is he not in jail, he is still ordained as a rabbi. and he is on the internets! The webpage talks all about how awesome it is to have a covenant with god, but omits any discussion of a) herpes or b) sucking your infant’s peter. Why, hide it, Rabbi? Why aren’t you proud of your Mosaic heritage????? God is crying!
Anyway, maybe I exaggerate. Maybe it’s ok to defend to the death your right to b’peh the night away because JEWISH PRIDE, BABY!, while at the same time totally hiding b’peh from your Jewish clients. After all, the parents can find out about that part later, when you suddenly start chugging away.
The upshot is, he was told to stop sucking for a while while the other rabbis (not cops or health officials) investigate if he poses a hazard. Because the hazard is not yet obvious, even to wise and learned men. See, this is why rabbis are smarter than you or me. To them, there are lots of ways that otherwise-unrelated children could get the same herpes. From the mother, or one of those nurses that always make those awful videos, for instance. According to Jewish Week, STD-expert and anti b’peh-er Dr. Zenilman said,
“It is also highly unlikely another nurse in the hospital or caregiver caused the infection, as that would have required the nurse to spit on the baby’s penis or have direct mouth-to-genital contact that could have infected all three babies.”
Thanks, Zenilman, you anti-Semite. But you forget something -Those seven babies, I’m not saying they were sluts,but well, they got around. That maternity ward was like, the minute the nurse left, blaow. Total orgy. Probably some non-circumcised goyische baby got loose with the cooties and infected them.
According to Jewish, Rabbi Adler suggests for families who consider fellatio-style circumcision an important tradition, but don’t want to ask the mohel if he has been tested for AIDS lately. . . .
“The father should consider performing the custom himself. Remember, the Torah commandment is for a father to circumcise his son. The mohel stands in for the father to do what the father cannot. If the father wants metzitza, the father can be shown how.”
See? These guys didn’t spent 10 years at Torah School for nothing. Sharp as a tack. But, what exactly did he mean “be shown how?” is there a training video? an anatomically correct doll like they have at Catholic Priest trials? Does Dad practice on the Mohel himself? Because that would be way more fun than a stupid doll. “Yeah, that’s right, bitch. I’m fin to bust a nut here, Now remember, bitch, pretend it’s blood. OOOHHH SHHITTTT I’M SIGNING THE COVENANTTTTTTT aww yeah.” On the downside, though, giving the Dad herpes too is kind of counterproductive.
Anyway, the NYC Mayor said he was not going to ban the practice. In fact, the NYC Department of Health stopped short of even requiring Mohels to TELL THE PARENTS THEY PLANNED TO SUCK IT. Seriously. “informed consent” was dropped from the resolution. Face it, if you don’t KNOW what “B’peh” means, you are a lousy Jew anyway, and you deserve to be surprised. “Hey check it out, Mom! Now comes the part where i do THIS!” All the board of health is doing is putting a warning on their web page, saying ‘maybe vampire pedophilia blowjobs are not a good idea from a health standpoint.’ They did not comment on the, um, aesthetics.
I, for one, agree with Bloomberg’s brave decision. After all, if you get in people’s private lives and interfere with religion, next thing you know Mormons won’t be able to have 15 wives, and next, Catholics won’t be able to molest boys, and then Muslims can’t stone women to death for going to school, and then basically we would be living in some kind of communistical, Athiest police-state at that point, right? So we have to nip this big-government thing right in the bud.
NY Daily News reports that NYC health commisoner Mr. Frieden said, “some rabbis use a glass tube, a sponge or sterile gauze pads to safely draw blood away from the wound.” Glass tube? basically he is saying it is OK to turn a Jewish baby into a human crack pipe. I guess that would cut down on the number of children dying or getting STDs, but what if the rabbis start getting hooked on babies? All running around with their glass pipe, looking for a hit. Gives new meaning to that famous “I’ll suck your dick, man!” scene in BOYS N THAT HOOD.
both sides, (the pro-herpes-herpes-sucky-sucky side (otherwise known as God’s Side) and the anti-herpes-herpes-sucky-sucky side (AKA commnist jew-haters)) have an unspoken agreement to only talk about the health aspect of the ritual. From the same Jewish Ledger article:
Rabbi Moshe Tendler, a dean at Yeshiva University’s rabbinic school and a professor of biology there, as well as an expert in Jewish medical ethics with a doctorate in microbiology, opposes metzitzah b’peh as halachically unnecessary and medically dangerous.
On the other hand, Rabbi David Niederman said “There have been seven cases, allegedly over a span of 15 years,” he said. “you’re talking about 120,000 brises of metzitzah b’peh. You tell me, is it safer to give a flu shot or to do metzitzah b’peh?” yeah, because b’peh is just pedophile blowjobs. But to get a flu shot nowadays, the doctors have to do anal double penetration on you. So that is a point.
Anyway, back to the Battle of the Rabbis, isn’t it convinient how they both happen to conclude (after rigorous study and prayer) that God wants EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED TO BEGIN WITH. I mean, talk about lucky. Plus,what’s the point of even HAVING a religion if 2 dudes can both study for 15 years of intense training and still come to total opposite conclusions about what God wants? Frankly, me and my friend Moyce can study the torah for 4 minutes and be just as confused as these 2 Rabbis, but that leaves us an extra 14 years and 11 months to drink and have shennannegans.


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