Tokyo Damage Report

theatrical comedy-rock blowout: qp crazy, kyonyu mandala ookoku, onanie machines, asakusa jinta,

Saw one of the most amazing shows in a long time.. .. this is a whole new genre for me. . . not punk or metal but something called ROCK and ROLL. Specifically, nude, exhibitionist rock and roll with incredibly long. . .bandnames. Everyone here was like a cousin of ESSU-EMMU (s/m), the band with the stripper singer. Let's get right to it, shall we?

巨乳まんだら王国 – kyonyu mandala ookoku (mandala kingdom of big tits)

these guys were just like an anime monty python skit. First they dress up in spandex Doraemon costumes and sing karaoke, getting all choked up with emotion and not being able to sing because they are crying. Why this is funny I have no idea. But it was. Then the rest of the band comes out ? an arab shiek on guitar, a transvestite and hippy backup vocalists, and on drums, a blow-up sex doll. Did I mention the music was all pre-recorded? And the lead singer is some kind of bodybuilding dwarf in a home-made superhero costume. The crotch of the costume is so narrow, that his testicles stick out on either side like miniature Daisy Duke butt-cheeks. It is just insane when you combine it with his French waiter moustache which is painted on to his face with graffiti pen. He is all whipping his cape around, bullfighter style and striking superhero poses and playing this kind of Korn-goes-to-the-circus big top rock and everyone is jumping up and down. The lyrics I could understand involved pubic hair.


Special guest star: DORAEMON

doraemon and his little sister, doing karaoke

kyonyu mandala ookoku's Arabian guitarist.

Dude shows off his arrow



オナニーマシーン- onanie machine (masturbation machine)



this band was just unreal. The guitarist was wearing overalls like a hillbilly with pink hair, the drummer was all serious and chubby like the a Japanese Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick fame, if bun e. was also mixed with the sartorial excess of rob halford. And the guitarist looked like a typical east bay pop punk guy, but he had the energy of like fifteen different guitar players . he was just the ultimate rock machine, constantly leaping into the air, doing the splits, windmilling his arms, and doing elaborate pantomimes that involved turning his guitar into a machine gun, a fiddle, and what might have been a Bordeaux vinyard (that one was a little unclear). He also played chords with one hand while thwacking a cymbal with a drumstick in the other, dangled from the ceiling while clutching the light rig while feeding back, played on top of the grand piano while doing high kicks, and put the guitar on the ground, playing chords with one hand while striking the strings with his FOOT and kicking it, plus playing it behind his head and etc. and that’s just the shit that I DIDN’T take pictures of. He did like 10 other stunts that I DID take pictures of, and you’ll find them in the pictures section.


Anyway, in the middle of their set, the guitar and bass got the crowd chanting ‘ONANIE! ONANIE! ONANIE MA-SHEEEN!!’ over and over, and then walked off stage, leaving the drummer to keep the beat. He drummed for like 3 minutes, just hima nd the chanting crowd. Then suddenly, the guitarist and bassist reappeared, stark naked, running in from the back of the theater, holding huge bags full of wadded-up, sticky tissue-paper, the kind which is a residue of onanism. They lept naked on to the stage and pelted the crowd with the masturbated tissues. It was the best thing ever. Fuck. shit.



The guitarist using the guitar as a baseball bat. .

huge naked jump!

throwing out sperm-clotted toilet tissue.

for everyone!

Standing on the piano!

playing 'slide guitar' with the amplifier

playing it under his foot


throwing out sperm-clotted toilet tissue


the aftermath. A whole stage covered in sticky tissues.

ソープランド揉美山 – soapland squeezing mountain (mountain of brothel squeezing)

this was 2 ladies and a nice guy. They also started with some karaoke and then played some hard rock. For the encore they chanted ‘drink milk! Drink milk!’ and made some people chug milk like a straightedge frat initiation. But fuck, they were going on after ONANIE MACHINE and what were they thinking?!?


I've seen standing up drum solos before . . . but standing ON TOP OF THE DRUMS?

bare-chested karaoke!!!!


浅草ジンタ – asakusa jinta (the small brass band from asakusa)

they are playing a style of music from the 1930s. actually it’s more a kind of brass band from the ‘30s which plays many different styles. Some is like uptempo country or rockabilly, but most of it is just frenetic klesmer. Why a Japanese brass band is playing polish jewish music is beyond me but it was fucking awesome. Just accordions and saxamophones and trombones all playing lightning fast happy melodies while stand-up bass and drums and tubas throw down polka-style rhythms. And also the Hawaiian shirts and vaguely lounge-lizard outfits were the bomb.

セックスマシーン — sex machine (machine which does the sex)

maybe it’s because I prefer onanism to coitus, but this band sucked. Just some pop ? punk garbage where the guy is all treating the audience like we’re a bunch of 5 year olds and he’s making a kids’ tv show. boring.



QP-CRAZY –  (Quite Possibly Crazy)

I really expected this band to be nuts. The stage was covered in props. In the middle there was a giant cut-out of Asahara Shoko’s head (he’s the cult leader of AUM, the guy who gassed the Tokyo subways and killed like a dozen people) the head was on top of a huge pile of fireworks, and leaning against a traditional funeral plaque, upon which was writeen ‘crazy wrestler 666’ in Chinese letters. The singer is a bona fide wrestler who moonlights as a rock vocalist. His costume is like giant spiky hair and clown paint and he lights shit on fire. So what is not to like? Well, the music, for one. Just boring, non-catchy hard rock. And the dude, despite being strong and athletic, doesn’t move around much. He sort of crouches over in what is supposed to be a menacing pose and snarls and paces back and forth. Dude, you’re a rassler. You should be all jumping and acrobatic and shit. But he made up for his lack of moves when he set shit on fire, which he did like every 5 seconds. At first, he came out with a skillsaw that shot sparks, then he used a megaphone that shot more sparks, and for the finale he just did some unheard-of shit.

Then he grabbed the funeral plaque with his bare hands and smashed it to smithereens and threw the smithereens into the crowd hella hard. Then he just lit some fireworks for good measure. But for the finale, homey lit this giant Ashahara head on fire with gasoline. Then , just for kicks, the head started shooting MORE fire from a concealed fireworks dispenser. All this in a windowless basement. The flaming head was then put on a glass table on the center of the stage. Then homey climbed ontop of a speaker cabinet, and DID A 180 DEGREE BACKFLIP ONTO THE FLAMING GLASS TABLE, sending broken glass and flame everywhere. What the fuck?? and I totally missed it because I was trying to get my fucking camera to focus properly. Jesus!! Then they took their bows, finished the set, and quietly left. Oh, then just as an afterthought he came back and put a giant meter-tall pillar of firecrackers in the middle of the audience and lit it on fire, causing huge billowing clouds of smoke to envelop the now-deafened audience, driving us outside. Sort of like, ‘oh by the way, I’ve got this PILLAR OF EXPLOSIVES, be a shame to waste it.’


a 'funeral spike' (the long wooden thing) which says 'crazy wrestler 666', plus the head of shoko asahara, the leader of the Aum cult.

FUCK!! doing a backflip onto a burning glass table in front of 200 people in an unventilated basement!!! Plus, burning shoko asahara head in the mix. . .FUCK!! I can't believe I fucked up this picture.

the flaming crotch effect


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  1. […] WEB . . . : TDR REPORT . . .: here. […]

  2. […] at these shows have included things like rolling in roman candles, molesting crucified virgins, and executing wrestling drops onto a burning cardboard cutout of the head of Aum Shinrikyo founder Shoko Asahara. As you would […]

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