Tokyo Damage Report

2007 computer hell


"please wait while setup installs the . . . installer"


I got 2 computers – a laptop and desktop, both running windows home xp. Windows on each of them is so corroded, that between both of them I have one functioning computer!! for instance, my desktop just flatly refuses to install any drivers at all, ever, and regards the desktop as some foreign country where they speak moon-language. Seriously, if I opened up Photoshop and then tried to open a picture file located on the desktop the computer would look at me like “what is this desktop of which you speak??” Also it won’t internet.


The laptop, on the other hand, is insanely slow. Like even when I am running no programs whatsoever, and the CPU is at zero, the damn PF is being used by mysterious forces, so that it is at full capacity, 24 hours a day, causing Word to take 12 minutes to load. And I don’t even know what PF is!!! Hell yes I did virus check. Plus, asking it to shut down is like asking a Yorkshire Terrier to make you a mix tape. It is not so much ineffective but totally absurd.

It’s all,“Shut down? Shut what down?”

You’re all, “YOU motherfucker, YOU!”

and it’s, “Ok, me. What do you want me to do?”

Basically to get it to quit being on, you have to yank the plug and then bury it in unhallowed ground with a sprig of garlic. I could deal with all that, but then last week, the laptop’s internet connection went from 24 hours a day to 12 to “five minutes at a time, if I feel like it, and you jiggle the USB card. No, not that way, jiggle it this way. A little to the left. No, more. Wait, that’s too far.”


I dealt with this the old-fashioned way: a combination of exhaustive data-backup, and punching.






Having handled the problem of the laptop, (I mercifully decided the problem was not, “it isn’t working for me”; the problem was, “the neverending agony of its deformed life”), now I gotta fix the desktop. My friend told me the only way was to reinstall windows. In Japanese. By myself. so I bought a copy of the exact same version of windows I’ve been running, and JAMMED IT ON IN THERE SOMEHOW.


Result? Plan “drivers, computer make possible install them” and Plan “desktop, find out where is” were successful!!


But now, suddenly my sound card doesn’t work, the internet STILL doesn’t work, plus I lost the fucking CDs for Photoshop and Sonar so now I gotta buy them. GOODBYE MONEY. The USB Wireless Internet card worked just fine on my laptop. . . but on this computer. . . . the one that I just spent all week backing up my data , reformatting the whole fucking thing , and spent $250 on Windows SPECIFICALLY SO I COULD GET INTERNET AGAIN AND FIX THIS FUCKING PROBLEM– it is still giving me the same bullshit error message it gave me last year: “something something something your flash card.”

The fuck, flash card???



Invite my friends over for a dinner party which was a thinly-veiled pretext for me to Tom Sawyer them into fixing my computer. “Whitewashing this USB port IS SO MUCH FUN!!!” They do this for an hour before telling me, “Dude the CDR for the wireless card does not have drivers on it, it is all other, inessential software related to the card.”

This does not surprise me, since, despite keeping every single cassette tape, LP, and CD from 8 th grade on, I lose about half the software CDRs I own, every year. I apologize to them but there is nothing more we can do. I later go to the internet cafe and download the drivers from the company. I bring them back to my house and lo–!! The same exact problem as before!!


I can click buttons for hours at a time, but in the end, it is basically like I am a primate poking at this PC with a small twig. “ok how about if I use this twig? How about if I poke it here? Ok, new twig. With berries on it. Berries!!!! That oughtta — fuck!!”



This is so retarded. I call Microsoft customer support. They spend like 90 minutes with me and at the end basically tell me, “Sir, the “no sound” problem is the fault of the sound card manufacturer, the “no internet” problem is the fault of the internet card company, go ask them.” The Microsoft lady insisted that the internet card driver WAS on the CDR all along, but it was bundled with some extra software, which conflicted with windows. (even though just last week I could use that software/card just fine on my other computer (which broke in an unrelated incident (involving my fist)))

Ironically, the bundled software was supposed to help new users set up a wireless network on windows! Haha!! Anyway we spend a good half hour trying to install the drivers, then deleting the bundled software, restarting, finding that the drivers disappeared too, reinstalling them, restarting again, only to find that the crap software had somehow creeped back on, and so on.


So, after that, Naturally I try calling the fucking other companies. the one company has a message saying “you can’t call our tech support from a mobile phone.” Which, is basically the same as “fuck you in the ass” because no one under 50 here has a land-line anymore, everyone only has cell phones. And the other just gives a beeping noise. Not like a “busy signal” but more like the “there is no phone number that corresponds to those digits” noise. How the fuck can these companies stay in business treating people so crappy?? I worked on it all day and kind of forgot to eat. And got nowhere.





I woke up and checked my PC, to see if maybe magically it fixed itself. What I discover is that, somehow my computer has spontaneously loaded ALL THE FILES THAT WERE ON IT BEFORE THE RE-INSTALL! They just spontaneously generated like maggots from 18 th century garbage!! Except that those programs no longer work anymore, just take up space! And my brand-new, just-formatted HD is like 97% full of stuff which is useless. I get a nosebleed. Look down, blood on the keyboard. The placid meadow of Windows’ desktop staring back at me, mocking me.

Dude, Windows is not a fucking meadow of freedom and butterflies. They should have a picture of the bleak and forbidding Gates of Mordor, but with grey office furniture and cubicles on it. The heartlessness of Orwellian beuraucracy combined with the irrationality and illogical nature of PMSing Brazillian Frankenstein, where one unclicked “radio button” in a submenu of a submenu of a submenu that nobody even knows about can make it impossible to do anything and no one will help you. Christ, I never even got a nosebleed when Immigration evicted me from Japan. It took Microsoft to give me one.


Anyway, I go and get a new internet card. It’s so easy that without even reading the manual, I got it working in 4 seconds. Even better, there is an unprotected wireless internet connection in the neighborhood that I can leech off of. I manage to connect just long enough to download the driver for the sound card but then that connection switches off. That’s fine — I don’t want to leech off of a stranger’s connection, it is immoral. Plus that connection was so slow! So, I try to connect to the network I am SUPPOSED to be on, and. . . .oh shiiii. . .. . .

Let me break it down.


If I double-click on the LAN icon, I get one window, titled “wireless connection” which says “Yay!! You’ve been connected to your LAN for over an hour!! Your signal is totally strong, dude! Way to go! Click here fore more information!” Annnnd when I click, I get another window, which says “haha!! You have never had a wireless connection!! We can’t detect the server, or your LAN card, and furthermore, we don’t even know what internet is!! We have always been at war with Eurasia!” I can display both of these windows side by side. It is driving me fucking nuts.


Oh, also, because of all this ballyhoo, I have not even STARTED the nightmare of reloading my files onto the PC and going through the ritual of, “oh shit, where is that one ? oh my GOD, DID I SAVE A COPY OF THAT?? OH CRAP I SAVED THE OLD COPY AND DELETED THE NEW COPY, OH FUCK!!” “Oh mother of Christ, all my precious insect porn was hidden in this one subfolder of this other subfolder and I totally forgot about it, FUCK IT IS GONE FOREVER I MISS YOU INSECT PORN.” I am not looking forward to this one bit.


So I click this button for the “LAN setup wizard” and off we go. You’d think it would ask me for my password or the IP address or some shit. . . but no. THE FUCKER!! it KNOWS what the IP and password are, and IT DOESN’T CARE. Everytime, on the next-to-the-last-step, it gives the same error it has been giving for months (even before I re-installed): “something something flashcard, no, bad, wrong, I have to stand over here now.” The fuck? Flash card???? Isn’t that the shit you put in your digital camera?? What the shit??


I go to my friend’s house to use her land-line phone (the only way to get tech support), and talk to the Epson; the company that made the PC. They tell me “well of course the Windows CDR you bought won’t work on a windows machine. You have to use our special Recovery Disks if you want to reinstall windows.” Luckily I had saved the recovery disks, but had no idea what they were for until now. In other words, I had wasted $250 on a new copy of Windows — THAT WAS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THIS COMPUTER!!



All because these clowns did NOT FUCKING WRITE "WINDOWS" or “OS”on the OS disks that came with the computer. This is not a case of me being a dumb foreigner who can’t read. Even in Japanese, all it says is EPSON RECOVERY. . And not only that, when you DO install windows, the default is to recover the system. I wanted to DESTROY the system. I wanted to do a total re-formatting. So THAT’S why all my crap files were still there bogging everything down. Basically they hide the reformat option in a sub-menu of a sub-menu called “partition”.


To summarize, to re-format your computer with Windows, you have to use the disc NOT marked Windows and then choose the option NOT marked reformat. Allright!!

Computers are so logical and rational!!

Because they are designed by engineers!

Who have no had human contact since infancy and no idea how people think!


Ok, then we go to the library, study, and I go home and successfully reformat the drive and install windows, using the user name “your mom.”

I even manage to make the sound card work!




I install all the software again, I rule. Then I talk to Microsoft and they help me get internet!!!! Fuck yes!!! Apparently the problem was that Windows comes with a program called Wireless Zero Configuration. Which was turned off. Despite the fact that WIRELESS INTERNET CONNECTION WIZARD is working, beckoning me to an alley with a dead end:

"Hey, this way! Almost there! Oops, can’t do it! No idea why! Let’s try again!!"

You’d think if it was a wizard it would at some point use its magic 12 th level wand and figure out that ITS OWN OPERATING SYSTEM HAD NOT TURNED ON THE WIRELESS ZERO PROGRAM IN THE FIRST PLACE. What a fucking joke.


Anyway I am so happy to have internet that I can forgive this. Finally, I can download a movie about borat or something!!! I install the P2P software called bit-torrent to make this dream come true. It will have consequences. Dun dun dun!!!!


I celebrate by going out with some friends, dinner, shopping, riding bikes. . . .awesome fun times. . . Then everyone goes home and I hurry back and break my computer some more.

Turns out that even though BIT TORRENT ran fine last year when I had a modem connection, somehow this time around I have a wireless connection and , bit-torrent causes it to just crumble into small quivering piles of ground-up butthairs. AND somehow IT DOES THE SAME THING TO MY SOUND CARD!! Settings which, this morning, had been corrected, . . . either returned to the old, bad settings, or changed to random settings, or the devices simply vanished. And this is AFTER I DE-INSTALLED THE OFFENDING SOFTWARE.

So even though I just reinstalled Windows yesterday it is now fucked again. I had internet for, what? 6 hours??? Jesus! Plus completely random stuff starts happening, like one external hard drive suddenly refuses to move photoshop documents between folders. Naturally I remember what the Microsoft support person told me, and change the settings back to the “correct” ones, but it makes.








Spent like 2 hours on the phone with Microsoft, who were very patient but nothing they tried worked. Eventually they told me I needed to call the company of the USB LAN card maker, which is retarded for three reasons .

  • you can’t call THESE motherfuckers with a cellphone EITHER
  • Since I can connect to that unprotected wireless network just fine, clearly the card is working like it should.
  • Butthole!!!!


Plus, the corruption continues. . . .now I am getting these same error pop-up messages every 30 minutes, saying my scanner can’t find my camera. Huh???? The mouse moves in fits and starts across the screen. Windows scroll as if rolling on rusty wheels over broken glass. . And the computer still swears on a stack of Qurans that there is no sound card. Which is weird because, since I used the Epson company’s own personal Recovery Disc, made specifically for this unit, you’d think that would allow the computer to detect stuff like, I dunno. . ..the FUCKING INTERNAL SOUNDCARD THAT IS BUILT IN. and THE MOUSE THAT CAME WITH THE PONCUTER.


Windows is already this fucked up, and it’s only been 2 days!!!!

Can you imagine how corrupted it will be a week from now??? All jelly oozing out of the usb ports, all Photoshop only displaying pictures of dead family members. Every 3 seconds, an error saying, “Please connect the dolphin loaf to the CLGW port, or face data wadding may result, you have 30 seconds.”


Finally, after working for 12 hours, I give up and re-install everything AGAIN, this time with the user name “barry manilow.” Fuuuuckkk!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasted a week of my life, and even if I DO succeed this time, I will only have recovered the functionality I had last year!! I don’t even get anything new for my efforts!!


I think nobody should even be allowed to sell software or hardware unless they come to your house for free and make it work with what you already got.

People who design this shit need to see the troubles that regular users go through. I’m sure they think like, “My product works fine on MY computer–Those fucking crybaby customers – bozos who never went to computer school, all using AOL and playing Tetris, they probably forgot to plug the computer in, and now they are complaining. Hey genius, try installing a driver once in a while. In your face, you jerks!”

But if they came to our houses and saw all the errors that their products cause, when installed on a PC with dozens of other types of software, their minds would weep. All, “Holy shit, this IS some crazy bullshit going on here. I went to computer school, and I never even SEEN that error before! Or THAT one either. Jesus Christ, what is that SMELL??”


JAN 20


Ok, as you might of guessed from this being on the internet, the new installation of Windows is still working. Barely. There are troubling signs. Every time I try to save a word document, I get an error in Japanese, saying “sorry we can’t save the AUDIO DATA.” The hell????? There’s a mysterious and disturbing 5-second delay every time I try to open files on the external hard drive. But whatever, I can write rants and I guess that is what matters.


I welcome any mail about similar experiences you guys have been through. Also your guesses about what is the fuck wrong with my system. Here is what I do not welcome : anyone telling me to switch to mac. That is such a smug cop-out answer. Way to feel superior without actually knowing how to solve the problem, dick. If you want me to have a Mac, buy me one and while you’re at it, replace all my software and peripherals with mac ones becuase that is what your wonderful mac requires.

I’m just saying.

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