Tokyo Damage Report

celtic frost! satyricon!

Yeah i didn’t post for a while. (long excruciating story). I figured I would reward the 3 people still checking with the HEAVIEST POST OF ALL TIME — CELTIC FUCKING FROST BACK IN TOKYO FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 22 YEARS. with pitchers!!!! choke on that, all you haters who thought i was over.

 

The first band, HARGRVARGRRRRHH (real name: Naglfar) is some really corny death metal. At first I assumed they were American because they were all pretty chubby, but it turns out they were from Sweden.

The singer was all like Rob Halford in his appearance, but his voice had that "I went to Death Metal Voice Training School here is my death-diploma from that place" quality where he can scream forever without tearing up his vocal chords, but there is no passion in it and every single word has the same exact pitch and cadence. The guitarist made mean faces and every solo he did was the same triplet hammer ons. You could tell by the way he stood in front of the singer that he wrote all the songs and basically ran the band. The bassist and #2 guitarist were identical rednecks with beer guts and huge mops of hair, but their idea of "rocking the fuck out" was like a one centimeter head-bang. They looked like "playing in Tokyo for 400 people is ok, I guess. But man, I can’t wait to play tetris in the bus. That is going to be awesome!"

 

But in the end I felt sorry for them because the sound was so terrible. The guitars were thin and tinny and drowned out by the drums. The sound guy decided that they needed some roland-808 style kick drum sound even though they were neither crunk nor jiggy. So the dude’s double bass parts coalesced into a muddy BURRRRRRRRR that drowned out all the other instruments. Asswipe. I could not understand the lyrics much, but here is a partial list of what I could decipher:

"something something the chalice!!!

. . . . lord of

. . . .allright!

. . . of death!!!!!!

I!

am!

The !

something something darkness!!!!

People are scum!

This is the second track off our first album!! God of something!!!

Burrnn!!!!!

Allright!!"

 

The singer was awesome because he would use his "metal voice" between songs. Also he kept talking about how great it was to be in TOKYO, JAPAN!!! And is TOKYO JAPAN!! Ready? And how the fans in TOKYO, JAPAN! Needed to make some FUCKING NOISE!! Like there are so many other tokyos (which don’t need to make so much noise).

 

Also, his best line — "we will return to Tokyo japan!!! This! I vow!!!!!"


satyricon!!!!!!!!!

Then satyricon played. I was a bit skeptical because I had heard they are mostly a studio band with only 2 members. But the live show was just wonderful!!! In Tokyo japan!!! They had like 6 people and they all did crazy headbanging, in perfect synch, and plus they would even change up their headbanging styles to go with the riffs. Some riffs would get up and down banging but other riffs demanded windmills or even some kind of weird sideways ellipse that (short-haired) Kepler would have probably gone apeshit over, and maybe try to replicate it in his lab, all playing air-lute or something.

 

They had a keyboardist (keyboarder? Keyboardian?) and she was all rocking out with the best of them. I sort of imagined her getting in a feud with the rest of the band and sort of passive-aggresively choosing keyboard sounds which were totally un-metal. Like all of a sudden in the middle of the song she starts playing Jamaican steel-drums. STEEL DRUM SOLO, YOU MOTHERS!!! HAHA, HARMONICA SOLO, HOW YOU LIKE THAT?? TRY AND STOP THIS BAGPIPE YOU BITCHES!! She might have actually been doing just that, but she was so low in the mix it was hard to tell.

 

Anyway they were amazing and had pretty good sound. It’s funny because in the CD the two band members are usually pictured separately and I found out the reason for this ? the singer is almost twice as tall as the drummer. The singer was this insane 8 foot tall bodybuilding Viking dude with Rocky Horror makeup and a very laid-back American accent. I figured that he’d speak with a British accent, both because England is closer to his native Norway and also because England is full of wizards. But instead he was like, "hey, what’s up? We’re happy to be here," in a very normal pleasant voice.

seriously he is like 14 feet tall.

yes, everyone had matching black sleeveless tees.

 

 


celtic frizzy in the hizzy!!

 

 

Then celtic frost played. I been a fan of them since junior year of high school, all tricking the A/V dude into playing my crap dub copy of TRIUMPH OF DEATH on the lunch-time PA system. But this is my first time to see them live. It is kind of good though because I don’t have to worry about "will they be as good as when they played Nurunberger Fest in 86" or whatever bullshit like that. The drummer was the best, though. Sometimes I talk about drummers being like Animal from the Muppets, but this guy was THE EXACT THING.

Like, sticks over his head with every beat. Just singing along and sometimes screaming spontaneously even though he had no microphone. He was just so fucking happy to be playing with celtic frost and rocking Tokyo, Japan!! I didn’t even mind that he was not an "original member." Fuck it. Plus, he was all showing off tattoos on his chest?the design of the tattoos was the Korean Royal Family 3-comma symbol, which takes balls to floss that in Japan.

The singer had this style where he didn’t move much but it was appropriate. Like he wasn’t bored-standing-still, he was grim-standing-still, like Jonny Cash somehow. You’re not going to fuck with Jonny Cash for not doing windmills and high-kicks. I really thought he was charismatic. Plus he was wearing a totally random Nehru jacket, which was a refreshing change from the dumb-ass "hot topic" look of most "extreme" bands. But the best dude was Martin Fucking Ain. Dude got hella portly since the ‘80s. but he was so fucking happy to be rocking out. He had this huge mop of Sideshow Bob hair and a beard to match, and this preposterous makeup that sort of made it look like his beard was eating his face.

plus the beckoning. Martin Ain loves him some beckoning. He did that a LOT.

 

And he was so scary-jolly that I spent the whole show sort of thinking of Black Peter, the German Anti-Santa (in Der Vaterland, when Kris Kringle brings presents to the good kids, Black Peter shows up and whips the hell out of the bad kids). I was like OH NO YOU DI’INT!!!! MARTIN AIN IS BLACK PETER!!! OH SHIT BLACK PETE ALL IN THE HAAAOUSE!!! Somehow his enthusiasm and jolly beardy sense of fun were so scary that it all worked together to make the metal even heavier and more black. Like, sure he’s grinning and smiling now, but he might just whip a misbehaving towheaded child out of his waistcoat and devour it in any second.

 

The only bad thing about the celtic frost show was 1) the new guitarist with his lack of rocking, and terrible 80’s bangs and did not seem that happy to be there. He looked like he would rather be listening to Matrix soundtracks while administering a database.

2) the sound was really terrible. Even though they opened up with my favorite song ever, I didn’t even realize it until the chorus, because the sound was all BUHHHHHH, BUHHH, BUHHHHHHH GRNNNNNNduhhhh. (procreation of the wicked)

3) me. I ruined the show. I didn’t do my homework and listen to all their albums before the show. I downloaded all the fucking ablums but didn’t listen!!! So there are all these kids like half my age all singing along and I, who have been loving this band since forever, I am standing there all like, "buh, duh, um .. .satan?"

there was a wonderful spinal tap moment at the beginning of the show when they put the banner up sideways. i guess they must have corrected it when i was getting my drink on, but hell, they should have left it. I mean if you are a dead guy getting stabbed by 5 swords, really it’s not like you give a shit what direction.

again with the beckoning.

 

There was a really great spinal tap moment, when, at the end of the show, the guy said, " TOKYO! THE FROST BOWS TO YOU!" which was so awesome we walked around shibuya afterwards being like, "the frost wanted fries with that!" "The frost specifically asked for decaf!"

anyway, that is the show. hope you liked it. rock on.

!

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