Tokyo Damage Report

COMPUTER HELL!!

here is how it went down.

tues nov 30+ 

ok, yesterday my glasses got broken at a show by some kid, and now today my COMPUTER broke too. So begins another Week Of Shit. Anyway, the computer. If it was, like, I broke it while fighting 15 bikers, or I broke it while trying to hack into the Al Queda mainframe.. then maybe it would be cool. . .but no. I broke it by just FUCKING TURNING IT ON. Jesus. That’s like dying from opening your front door. it was running on battery power but the bullshit battery runs out after 1 minute(!!) so it turns off during startup which is like this totally lowlevel compiling process which apparently just fucks up my whole hard disk.  Normally I would call my buddy E. who is like the computer wizard, but his phone number is. . . in the computer! 

i made backups last week which is good. . . . but then i sent those backups to my folks in america in case we had an earthquake here. d’oh! the timing is amazing. less than three fuckin’ days after they get the backups, I am emailing them to say, "yeah, i need those now."

wed nov. 31+

just more shit hell day. spend most of the day at “akihabara electric town” (tokyo’s electronic store neighborhood) trying to fix my computer. no deal. sectors totally rearranged.   so i say, i:ll get a new computer as long as im in akiba and the computer guy says no, the english programs don:t work on a japanese OS.  apparently the racist assholes made it so you can:t run english software.  so i:d have to buy all my software again in japanese.  not that i paid for it the first time, but still. i:m a man of principle. No deal.

the other option is to buy an apple because you can switch the OS without even slowing down, like in the middle of taking a dump you can switch the os to english, japanese, croatian and tagalog and back before even wiping.  but then i can:t read any of my fucking windows documents anymore, so fuck mac. 

it’s like every single alternative is a catch-22 clusterfuck. jesus!

he DOES tell me , though, that you can get English OS PCs at local electronics store BIC P, which is where I will go tomorrow.

THURSDAY DEC 1

kind of an ok day.  M-san meets me and we go to BIC P . . .but OF COURSE it could not be that simple. it turns out that all they do is have display models which you have to mailorder.  Which of course takes longer and costs more than just ordering the exact same shit through the internet, plus you can get to hear their annoying theme jingle over and over.  jesus, does bic p ever not suck??  so we go to the internet and search dell’s website, where we discover a funny ha ha thing.  dell america doesn’t deliver to japan because they’re , like , dude, you already got a japan subsidiary of dell right here handy.  but the japan subsidiary doesn’t sell english os computers. i mean, they sell these little toy English OS laptops which are useful as paperweights or perhaps to play minesweeper on.  if you want a powerful english system it costs over a thousand bones more than the equivalent japanese os.  how is that for sheer fucking prejudice????  plus since we couldn:t talk to a live human it took us 3 hours to figure that shit out.  fuck you dell.  jesus. 

In desperation I wind up making a huge intercontinental plan involving my parents, my best friend, several bank accounts, long-distance calls, and exhorbitant shipping fees. Thanks to everyone involved.

FRIDAY DEC 2

At the last minute before Operation Japan-Ship-Computer-To-It starts, my best friend is like, "Why don’t you just buy the English OS software in Japan instead?"

D’oh. time for a new plan.

Then M-san calls again and says, basically, hey i am free again today let:s do more boring computer stuff together even though there is nothing in it for me and you’ve never helped me half this much.  jesus.  but I say yes and we go to Akihabara and find what we should have been looking for ALL ALONG; ENGLISH WINDOWS ON CD-R! Which we can then just install on a Japanese computer and away we go. Christ, if only I’d known about this 3 days ago . . . .

  so we go to the place that sells english OS disks to go with japanese os computers, but they show me this huge ominous warning label saying, IF YOU TRY TO INSTALL ENGLISH OS ON THIS IT VOIDS YOUR WARANTEE AND PLUS YOUR COMPUTER MIGHT BREAK AND YOUR CHILDREN CATCH FIRE AND A TWO HEADED COW MIGHT BE BORN, THERE WILL BE SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE, AND OMENS AND HAILS OF FROGS MAYBE. i was like, well what the fuck? No warantee?? i mean, isn’t that precisely what a fucking warantee is for??  That’s like selling earthquake insurance that is only void in case of actual earthquakes you fuckers.  after 3 days of stress i’ve finally found what I’m looking for and now you assholes are shitting on my parade. I actually turned to M-san and asked her, why is he shitting on my parade?

 

Anyway, having scared us off, the staff directs us to this other store 10 minutes away which sells English computers with english Osses, right off the shelf.  the catch 22 is,  the english computers are, again, bascially small toys which might function as frisbees on a low gravity planet. they have one halfway decent desktop but it is like 700 dollars more than the same model with japanese os. basically it is sheer fucking prejudice and opportunism. I was all going to call Chuck D but then I was like, wait, I’m white. Damn.

so i just deicde, i am too tired to be scared so we drag our asses back to the first store and say gimme a japanese computer, gimme Japanese OS, and to hell with your warantees, bitches. and i find the exact dell computer that we saw online yesterday with totally ass ripping fast components and low price and shit, and say, yo, gimme dat.  finally. but the guy says, oh that:s just a display.  even though every single other thing in the store you can point to and say gimme dat, the dell stuff you have to mailorder.  i am like  YOU FUCKING SHITWIPE.  DO YOU DELL MOTHERFUCKERS GET A COMMISION EVERY TIME YOU GIVE ME A GRAY HAIR OR SOMETHING??  YOU SUCK ASS IN AMERICA AND YOU SUCK ASS NOW AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK AS IN THE FUTURE UNTIL EITHER THERE IS NO ASS LEFT OR UNTIL I GO STRAIGHT KAMAKAZE STYLE AND BLOW US ALL UP AND DON:T THINK I WON’T!!!

but luckily the other epson computer is also pretty awesome and so we get that and they keep telling us, it might not work with english os and if it breaks you can:t return it or complain because there is no warantee, plus we get the right to donkey punch your girlfriend and rearrange your furniture when you are not home, sign here in blood please.   i’m like NO, HERE IS HOW IT COMES DOWN.  IF IT BREAKS YOUR FAMILY WILL NEED A FUCKING WARANTEE BECAUSE I CAN GARANTEE I WILL HUNT THEM DOWN AND FLENSE THEM LIKE TROUT.

so after that then these negative nancies start yelling i have to have it delivered because it is to heavy to carry, and i:m like, dude, i need this today because the guy who will help me set it up is only free on the weekends you fucks. just give me the fucking computer and let me worry about the rest. jesus, usually i:m the negative guy, but these freaks were nothing but downers.  fucking cower before me, you fucks!! i can actually do shit without the sky falling!! 

so we get the shit in the train NO PROBLEM, me given Hulk-like strength by sheer rage, and bail back to shinookubo. 

SUNDAY DEC 4

Spend a nice afternoon in the park. The weather has turned wonderful and hella people are all up in there taking pitchers of leaves and whatnot. At 8pm my man Erik comes over and tries to install the English OS . . . . . which, exactly like you suspect, doesn’t work. Like, won’t even install because of some error message which no one has ever heard of. So then we go back to the Japanese OS and begin installing English software, which everyone told me would be all buggy and not work right, and so far it all seems to be working fine.

So, on the good hand, I’m back in merry computer-land. On the bad hand, if I would have KNOWN that the English software worked, I could have bought a computer like last fucking week and saved myself 4 days of stress!! Plus all the Windows commands are now in some kind of weird moon-language, possibly French.

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