Tokyo Damage Report

Rumors about the new Harry Potter

 

RUMORS ABOUT THE NEW HARRY POTTER

I was on an airplane, and every single person was reading the same book. I ain’t never read me no Harry Potter, but I knew that people were all speculating what would happen in this book. I whiled away the hours on the flight, imagining my fellow passengers having the following conversation:


I heard Harry potter can eat hot vegetarian curry and piss a STEAK.

Word? I heard Harry potter got a cursed Seguay that only bears can ride.

 

I heard Harry potter smacked a seventh grader in shop class for clowning his ashtray.

 

He’s ruuude! I heard Harry potter beat Gandalf at a karaoke battle. . . SINGING ONLY MANOWAR.

 

I heard Harry potter beat up Narnia with a SPOON.

 

Man, motherfuck Narnia. I heard Harry potter has some enchanted shelltoe Addidas that enable him to moonwalk FORWARDS.

 

I heard Harry potter got a crystal ball that lets him watch out-takes from Flavor Of Love.

 

I heard Harry potter likes to party with the Varsity Swim Team.

The kid knows no boundaries!!!!

 

I heard Harry potter got cursed cowboy boots with the spurs on the INSIDE.

 

I heard Harry potter fell off a horse and got a BONER.

 

I heard Harry potter got a bag of holding that contains every volume of “Mad’s Snappy Questions to Stupid. . ..” wait I mean, “Stupid Questions to ?“ wait, “Mad Questions to Stupid Snappies”?FUCK!!!

 

I heard Harry potter went to Grench High before the big game, and replaced their mascot with a live mandrill.

 

I heard that one too, dude! But the way I heard it was, Harry potter prank-ordered like 15 pizzas to Mr. Green’s house and each pizza had a live mandrill on TOP OF IT.

Yeah, that kid is ill.

He don’t give a FUCK.

 

I heard Harry potter got excused from Gym Class for a whole year, due to complications from aesthetic surgery (gluteal implants).

 

I heard Harry potter spent all of Junior Year trying to start a Morbid Angel cover band, BUT IT NEVER REALLY CAME TOGETHER.

 

You heard that?? Well, I heard Harry potter got an antonym for Ottoman.

 

I heard Harry potter went to the locker room during classes. (He went to your locker and he smashed your glasses)

 

I heard Harry potter plays tetherball with the fourth graders, and just beats them mercilessly. And then brags about it later.

 

I heard Harry potter got a magic Kangaroo that can TOSS SALAD.

Word??

Yeah: he puts the ingredients in the pouch layer by layer but when he pulls it out with the tongs, it is magically mixed!

Aw shit, now I remember! Yeah I heard he makes ‘em eat it right out of the pouch DIRECTLY!

Word! They’re all sitting around the table with individual tongs, with the beast all in the middle, squatting on a LAZY SUSAN.

 

Like one time, I heard Harry potter got a tattoo of Captain Kangaroo that winks when he coughs.

 

I heard Harry potter got a cursed digeridoo that can only play the opening notes of “Iron Man.”

 

I heard Harry potter got a amulet that gave the entire freshman class Jheri Curls.

 

I heard Harry potter broke into the AV Room, and dubbed Flavor Flav samples over all of Marlon Brando’s dialogue in Apocalypse Now.

Now wait, I know that story, but I heard it was a 35mm print instead of a video, and instead of apocalypse now it was Night And Fog.

 

I heard Harry potter writes fanfiction about internet nerd girls getting it on.

 

I heard Harry potter scratched so fast, the vinyl melted from friction . .. .but he RECORDED the sound of it melting, and pressed it to a 12 inch and SCRATCHED THAT.

 

Ohhh shiiiit!! I heard Harry potter got a magic Rubik’s Cube that PLUMPS WHEN YOU COOK IT.

 

I heard Harry potter cheats on every book report SO BAD…! Like, he uses wikipidia as his main source. Not only that, but he just copies and pastes a whole wikipedia page and turns that in. and it’s not even a page about the book. It’s the page about reality-tv show HOUSE OF HOGAN. Not only that, he does that for EVERY SINGLE BOOK REPORT.

And mrs. Logan is all like, “Harry, how can you turn this in? this is just a printout of a synopsis of a hulk Hogan show!!”

And Harry is all like, “or so it would seeeeemmm!! HAHA MY ILLUSION WAS PERFECT! A PLUS FOR HARRY!!”

 

I heard Harry potter started a band that covered DJ QUBERT songs using only Theremins.

 

I heard Harry potter hacked into the school computer and uploaded like 2 gigs of starsky and hutch slash fiction to mr. Henderson’s folder and then emailed the principal the link. . .. magically.

 

I heard Harry potter got a plus-5 Yo Mama joke so powerful, when he deployed it in a snap battle with Lemony Snicket, she just dropped out of magic altogether and became a born-again Christian.

 

I heard Harry potter got your mama some steak sauce! for Chanakkuh! All fed ex style : SPECIAL OVERNIGHT DELIVERY.

 

Yeah, he’s totally anti-Semitic.

His yearbook is just a copy of Protocols of The Elders Of Zion with his picture pasted in it in a tux.

 

 

I heard Harry potter carved AC/DC SUCKKKKS in his desktop, and the teacher blamed it on David Copperfield.

Aww shit. Yeah I heard david copperfield got like 2 hours detention AND plus when he got out the stoners kicked his ass.

 

I heard Harry potter has an enchanted condom … that always tastes LIKE PUTTY.

 

I heard Harry potter made the third graders eat cursed playdoh. . . . . That makes their poo extrude out their butt in a star-shaped loaf for ETERNITY.

 

I heard Harry potter has a cursed hackey sack

Yeah, word, I heard that too. I heard it is made from the scrotum of Harvey Kitel.

Yeah, yeeeahh, and whenever you kick it, it makes the “Bad Leutenaint Noise.”

Euuhhhuhhhehhhhhhh!!!!

 

I heard Harry potter got so baked he was just levitating his broom in place, 40 feet in the air, and standing on it playing hackey sack for like an HOUR.

 

I heard Harry potter got he world’s largest collection of SMORES.

 

I heard like one time yo, one time, Harry potter smacked Penn and Teller with a VIENNA SAUSAGE.

 

I heard Harry potter took Hans Moleman to the prom, and made him wear a ballgown made out of YELLOW LEGO.

 

I heard Harry potter has an 80gb ipod completely filled with jello biafra.

No I heard it was just a sample of Jello saying “Explithit lyricth” over and over, but sampled at such a high bitrate that it took up 80gb!

 

I heard Harry potter has an enchanted scepter, and he did this ritual with it that fuckin, that fuckin, uh, that fuckin uh, it fuckin sent him back in time INVISIBLY.

Yeah, he used his back in time invisibility powers to totally mess with the production of SPICE WORLD.

That was ill, though. He was all invisible, standing behind the spice girls and making meowing sounds when the actors were talking.

naw naw dude, the way I heard it, he turned invisible and altered clock times and half-eaten food in the background, thus totally destroying the CONTINUITY between scenes, and making the film look kind of unrealistic.

 

I heard Harry potter got a cursed marshmallow peep that TASTES LIKE DANZIG.

Naw, you’re fucking up again. I heard it was a nacho and it tasted like Halford.

Or wait, wait, it IS a nacho but you eat it and YOU taste like Halford.

How can it be ONE nacho?

 

I heard Harry potter got this superbad hex that makes you talk like Finnegan’s Wake.

 

I heard that, for his senior AP Anthropology class, he went to an I.T. company in San Jose and straight up started a riot between the Indian and Pakistani employees.

 

I heard Harry potter snuck behind the bleachers with Christine Wegman and frenched her so hard she could no longer pronounce glottal stops. Like her whole glottal unit got displaced several centimeters under the force of the intense frenching.

 

I heard Harry potter and some guys totally kicked the new kid’s ass and stole his Docs because he was a “Fresh Cut.”

 

I heard Harry potter got thrown out of the talent contest for doing a ventriloquist act with a Dutch Wife.

A Dutch Wife?

Yeah, it’s fuckin, it’s fuckin what the Japanese call a blow-up doll.

They call a blow-up doll a fuckin’ Dutch Wife?

Yeah, fool.

The fuck???

I know, the country has problems. Anyway he did a ventriloquist act with a Dutch Wife. But there was no racy material to the act. That was the WHOLE “BIT.” They just had a very sober discussion of North Korean containment strategy.

Plus, he used some kind of high-end Reverse Ventriliquism Sorcery, so instead of making her mouth imitate speech motions, HIS mouth imitated HERS. All just huge and round and motionless of a black hole in his face.

And at the very end of the show, huge lamprey teeth emerge from the sides of the mouth-hole and close like a SPHINCTER.

And it’s not even part of the act!!!! Like he waits till the audience is applauding and just as he bows the fangs pop out slowly and without warning. Applause all falling off replaced by people edging away and nervously eyeing each other, curtain falls.

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