Tokyo Damage Report

Haloween short dreams

 

Ok, for haloween I decided to type up some of the nightmares I’ve been having recently. I haven’t remembered hardly any dreams this year at all, but suddenly around late October I start remembering hella ill stuff, so I figure it’s a sort of omen.

 

AFEARED GOAT

 

My wife and I are in a grassy valley. There’s a line of telephone poles running through it. I nudge her ? “lookit that!” there is a mountain goat that has somehow climbed up onto the telephone pole wire and is balancing on it like a bird. But it seems like has realized that it will fall at any minute. We’re really scared for it ? there is no way for it to safely go back down again, so it goes up. The next telephone pole is waay taller, but the goat musters the ultimate effort and charges up this half-inch-wide, 45-degree-angle-up cable and somehow manages, wild-eyed and half-crazed to make it to the top of the next pole ? but there STILL isn’t any way down! Meanwhile a small crowd of dumb trendy Japanese kids has gathered round the base of that pole and is snickering at it. The goat, in sheer terrified desperation, starts EATING THE POLE. Naturally the electric shock hits it and it flies off the pole straight down. The snickering youths obscure the impact, and we can only stare at their backs as they say, “daijoubu!” and walk on. Fuckers!

 

TUNNELS AND ROACHES

 

I’m in a dark sewer tunnel, where some squatters live. Some white kid is entertaining us with a drums-only version of old black flag songs played using blastbeats. There is scum everwhere. Somehow I leave the tunnel and am now in a traditional Japanese castle with huge, bare wooden rooms and plenty of light. There are some modern, creepy Japanese nerd-girls there clustered around a table. They have coke-bottle glasses, bowl haircuts and ponytails, and pale skin. I go over. They are eating food.

A cockroach crawls out from under the table. Then another one! From out of nowhere, the girls as one whip out some blue handkerchiefs. They lay one over the roach. It is observable as an undulating lump under the cloth. Then a girl lays a kerchief next to that. Suddenly both kerchiefs are alive with undulating lumps. Then another girl lays another kerchief next to the first 2, and another, and another . It seems like the more area is covered by handkerchiefs, the more roaches there are!

 

Watching the meter-wide patchwork of blue kerchiefs roil and undulate is like watching water boiling in slow motion. The girls form a circle around it watching intently. One roach escapes from the side. A girl, moving fast so her friends won’t see, snags the roach, and pops it in her mouth. Another girl does the same. Then out of a corner, maybe a dozen larvae spew out. They are maybe half an inch long, white and greasy. Several of the girls move from the periphery of the blue kerchiefs to encircle the larvae and poke at them. Then, while they are preoccupied, I notice in another corner of the room there is a HUGE roach maybe a foot long ? but only as wide as a normal roach.

I am horrified but can not run away.

Soon the giant roach is joined by what seems to be a foot-long neudabranch (sea slug) ? lime green, slimy and pulsating. They embrace and fight, entangled like mating snakes. The neudebranch extrudes hundreds of yellow-green nubby tentacles, which start combing the shell of the roach. One of the nerd-girls notices my stricken expression and says, “Oh, that’s just our pet.” It occurs to me that the neudebranch is scouring the roach looking for parasites, the way that idle monkeys do.

 

JACKASS

 

I’m watching Jackass on TV. Johnny Knoxville is on a baseball field, trying to pitch to a bear, but the bear is armed with a bomb. Somehow if he KOs the bear with the baseball, that’s the only way they can disarm the bomb. His friends are circling him, laughing. His face is a mask of terror. He is streaming with sweat. His friends try to quench his sweat by tossing sports-towels at him, draping them around his neck. But in short order, his neck and upper back is swathed in over fifty towels- they are too heavy for him to pitch the ball, which makes him even more afraid/sweaty, and his friends, oblivious, continue to laugh and skip merrily around him and pile even more sports-towels on him. The camera zooms in on his terrified, unfocussed eyes.

 

NEXT JACKASS

 

The following night I dreamed again about Jackass. The guys are in a swimming pool, messing with passing women by pretending to have huge erections. Pretty standard stuff. But then, when one of the female bathers freaks out, they explain to her, “Hey, wait, it’s only a prank!” and the Jackass actor pulls down his trunks to reveal that , in fact, his “erection” was only a harmless foot-long pink dildo.

But the dildo was lodged inside the urethra of his real penis! With what’s supposed to be a reassuring face, he grabs the dildo with both hands and wrenches it out of his urethra. It must be 2 and a half inches wide. And he keeps pulling more and more of it out. As it comes out, loose flaps of pink skin start unraveling off the side of his penis. The folds are so convoluted they are almost spongy. What is most amazing about this is, it’s not part of the prank! The Jackass crew seems honestly unaware that this is much more traumatic for the lady swimmers than if it HAD been a real boner.

 

As the camera pans away from the horrified faces of the prank victims to a close-up of the dick, a doctor’s voice over explains that this Jackass cast-member has a rare medical condition. The penis has no meat, instead being filled with an excess of spongy, fleshy tissue.

 

The camera cuts to an operating room inside a hospital. A doctor explains that this particular medical condition occurs in two forms. In the first type, the excess flesh grows in fleshy nubs, especially common in elderly women. A grandmother in a hospital gown is shown on the examination table. She has a REALLY pissed-off look on her face, and two symmetrical horns growing out of her forehead. The horns are shaped exactly like old people’s thumbs, right down to the gray-brown wrinkled thumbnails.

 

In the second type of this disease, the doctor continues, the growths do not look like skin, but like hair. The doctor pulls out a severed human foot on a stainless steel tray. But not the whole foot ? just the front half. The foot is rotten, which the doctor seems to be oblivious to. The foot is also covered with several dozen of what appear to be 6 inch hairs which are semi-transparent and maybe 3 mm wide at the base, tending towards grey color at the tip. The doctor explains that the way to treat this sickness is to use a solering gun to solder the tip of each “hair” to the steel plate, and then administer an electric shock. As he explains, the shock occurs with a bang and lots of small lightning flying between the hairs and the foot. The foot is charred and the hair cells have been reduced to a thick oily smoke which we are all inhaling.

1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. will July 31st, 2010 8:31 am

    very funny. reminded me a bit of richard from "the beach"

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