Tokyo Damage Report

I call bullshit on mp3 players

fuck an mp3 player.

Say you got the whole “exile on main street”album in one folder on your Computer. You put it in your ipod (or whatever) and then you pick up the ipod and scroll to the rolling stones folder and there is only one song! Where did the rest of the songs go? It breaks down like this:


Rolling stones — 2 songs in one folder

The rolling stones — 1 song, different folder

The Stones — 3 songs, yet another folder

Rolling stones, the — 1 song , different folder

Roling Stnes — 2 songs, different folders.

Even finding all the variations is a hassle because of the hundreds of different artists in between "the rolling" and "rolling."


So, you figure, hey, I am a hacker, I can find a back way in ? and you go to look it up by album name instead: but there are only 2 songs in the “exile on main street” folder. Where are the rest?


Exile on main street — 4 songs

No album title — 4 songs

Roling stnes exile on main street — 2 songs

Exile?on?main?street — 2 songs


The fuck is that about???


1) Whether you’re using mac, pc or unix, you got like a “folder tree” right?

It’s not like an ipod-which-gives-you-a-folder-view is some super futuristic, MATRIX-ass shit with virtual goggles and talking robots who shoot lasers when they talk. We already have this technology for every kind of file under the sun — pictures, text files, powerpoint, even .sml and .tast files. So it’s not like they gotta invent some new shit to solve this problem. All they have to do is NOT KEEPING ON BREAKING IT. How hard is that? You drag-and-drop your pictures to an external HD, it keeps the files in the folders. You make a DVD, it keeps the files in the folders. You stick it up your butt, your butt has the folders. Why are mp3 players different? Seeing as how EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS EVER DOWNLOADED ANYTHING winds up with fucked-up mp3 tags, why can’t we buy even one mp3 player that gives a folder- view?

2) do they think we put random files in random folders all willy-nilly and hopped up on goofballs, and we are waiting for their brilliant mp3-tag-based display to sort it all out for us? "Oh finally, the songs by the Beatles are separated from that fucking shitty band THE Beatles. I always hated THE beatles. Geez, now I don’t feel so dumb about putting songs by both beatles in the same folder with Mozart, Venom and Beatles, The."


3) Why is it that I can buy an outdated, un-hip, $70 CD walkman at Longs Drugs, which displays the data in the respective folders exactly as it is on my computer, but when I pay $300 for an ipod at the fancy-ass apple store, shit gets fucked up??


4) Howcome there’s a hundred motherfuckers out ripping off Apple . . .Toshiba, Sony, for all I know TRS-80 makes one too. . . but NOT ONE OF THEM thought to themselves, “Let’s give the customers a choice. Let’s try to do something that Apple can’t do.”


5) I swear if I were president, I’d make Apple spend their entire yearly profits on a series of ads featuring those racially-ambiguous-hairstyle hipster silhouettes. They would be all gyrating youthfully at first, then they’d stop and realize they can’t find their songs, then they walk to a silhouette of an Apple computer and open up Itunes, then they go through like all their silhouette files and clean up the silhouette tags, and as they do so, they get older, fatter, and their hipster ethnically-ambiguous hairstyles go grey and fall out, and all the fun exuberance drains out of them, they slump and eat microwaved pastries and they turn into a silhouette of a mid-level bereaucrat filling out forms in triplicate, because THAT IS WHAT ITUNES FUCKING MAKES OUT OF YOU. The commercials would be filmed with no breaks, all cinema veite style, and they would each run for 9 hours.


5a) I’m not president.


So, here is what you can do to solve the problem (if you can’t become President) :


1) Spend 9 hours painstakingly making a series of 1,000 playlists on the ipod that replicate every folder on the computer.


2) Spend the exact same amount of fuckin’ time cleaning up the tags on your fucking mp3 collection — going through thousands of albums and making sure all the tags for a given album are the same. But God forbid it would be that easy — even after you make the “title” and “contributing artist” fields the same for each album, but the album would continue to insist “Hey! I am by 5 different artists! Nelly, Nelly featuring Ravi Shankar, Nelly Brought To You By Toshiba Vacuum Cleaners, Nelly And His Amazing Acrobatic Dong, Nelly Featuring Danzig The Talking Schnauzer. DOOD!”

So you basically had to change each song with pliers and duct tape, and wasted hours before you found out the problem: the “contributing artist” column is not the same as the “artist” column. You fucked up. Because why? Because someone made the decision to put the “Artist” column all the way to the right, 3 feet off the edge of the screen, beyond “re – release date”, “parental rating,” “original lp release date,” “engineer’s girlfriend’s post-op tranny name,” “address of the vinyl factory that pressed the original lp on pink vinyl,” and “number of vowels in tambourine player’s middle name.” Someone in a cubicle somewhere with florescent lighting, munching on microwaved pastries, decided that this was the best place.


Either way it is several days worth of laborious bullshit just to have an organization on your ipod that begins to resemble WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER.


Which brings me to my second point: what the fuck is all this shit about “stealing music?”


If you want a “free” mp3, you gotta find it, first of all. Then you gotta wait in the queue to download it. Then the download stops in the middle and you gotta go searching for the leftover files. Then you gotta go into your fuckin’ media player and clean up the tags, then title the folder so you can maybe find it in your collection, and then it turns out that some of the files are the wrong format, so you gotta convert those, and THEN you gotta somehow shove the whole mess into your media player and hope there are no “errors.” Jesus. That ain’t stealing. That’s work! If anything, the artists owe ME money. I earned this! I went in like a hunter and brought back the game. Sheeeit. That shit took me 9 hours to clean up. Nelly owes me LOOT.


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